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Get To The Root of The Problem · Trauma Free Relationship

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I was giving a seminar recently to couples, married and
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otherwise, and one of the questions came up when I talked
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about how couples really aren't often arguing about what they
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think they're arguing about. If they're not really talking
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about chores, sex, kids, money, what, you know, these these BIG4
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that we we talk about with couples.
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If it's not really about that, then what is it that it's really
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about? And so I showed them a diagram
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in this seminar where you have an iceberg and you have the
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small part of the iceberg that stuck up out of the water and
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the much larger part of the iceberg that is submerged below.
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And the top part of the iceberg, the iceberg that stuck out on
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top, the smaller part is what couples think they're arguing
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about. They think they're arguing
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about, as I said, chores or or sex or kids or money or the
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burrito or, you know, whose turn it is to wash the dishes or
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these different topics that that can entangle all couples in all
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kinds of relationships. And they can cause ruptures and
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often don't get repaired. And the reason they often don't
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get repaired is because the couple is not talking about the
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part that is submerged below the iceberg and below the water,
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which is feeling supported, or feeling unworthy or abandoned or
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rejected or feeling unloved or feeling not good enough.
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Those are the things that are really what the couple is
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arguing about. And so I also said that couples
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have to learn how to discuss these ruptures and identify
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what's really happening for them on two different levels.
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The first level the couples can talk about ruptures is the level
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of the event, and they can go around and around and around and
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talk about who said what to whom and in what order.
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And by the way, there was a previous podcast on on this very
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thing right here, talking about it from a second level
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communication. The first level is to talk about
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at the level of the event. Couples have to be able to learn
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to talk about things at the level of the relationship, which
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is what I'm calling a level 2. And that is the feelings and the
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perceptions of what happened, not the actual events
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themselves. But probably most importantly is
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couples have to be able to identify the attachment wound
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that has been triggered for them in these in these ruptures.
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And that's what we're going to talk about today, how to
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identify an attachment wound if it's not about chores, sex,
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money, kids, so on and so forth. If we're talking about things at
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the level of the relationship, feeling supported, loved,
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feeling cared for, then how do we get to the root of the
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problem? How do we really identify what's
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happening so that it can be discussed at that second level
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and those repairs can be made which we know science tells us
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over and over and over again. When you make repairs, you build
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trust and you create resilience in your relationships.
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So the question is, how do we get to the root of the problem?
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Well, that's what we're going to talk about today.
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Let's get started. Welcome to Trauma Free
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Relationship, a podcast that provides support and guidance to
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help heal the wounds of attachment trauma.
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Whether you find yourself struggling with unresolved
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issues in the past or have experienced trauma in your
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current relationship, our goal is to provide accurate,
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scientifically informed information as well as the tools
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to help you create a secure connection between you and your
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partner. And here's your host, Tom
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Philip. OK, We're talking about how to
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get to the root of the problem. And one of the things we have to
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do is we have to be able to discern what the argument or the
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disruption is actually about, which means that more often than
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not, and I would say at least 80% of the time is because
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there's an attachment wound that has been triggered here.
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So what is an attachment wound? Well, it's it's basically an an
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emotional wound. And more often than not it's an
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unrepaired injury. Something that either has
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occurred earlier in the relationship or something that
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has occurred outside of the relationship that an individual
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brought into the current relationship.
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Could be from family of origin, could have been from the first
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love, could have been from adolescence, boyfriend or
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girlfriend that cheated on them and they told themselves they
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would never be that vulnerable again, and so on and so forth.
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But these unrepaired injuries, that sort of stick in the bone
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marrow of who we are, we just can't quite get over them.
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They create a deep enough wound that they can be triggered in
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any of our relationships, especially with our attachment
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partners. They, as I said, they usually
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occur in our primary relationships.
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When they get touched or poked at, they are fiercely protected,
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especially when it feels like those wounds are going to be
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exposed. They also shape our adult
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relationships because they shape the view of ourselves and the
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view of our partner. So we've carried those wounds
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around long enough that they actually can spill into our
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adult relationships at times when we get triggered through
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the expectations that we set for ourselves and for others.
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And I think it's important to note that there are two sides to
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an attachment wound or an attachment injury.
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The first side is a repeated, dreaded, hurtful side.
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It's Oh my gosh, I'm going to get the same thing that I've
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always gotten. I'm going to feel unwanted.
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I'm going to feel unloved. I'm going to feel uncared for.
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Not a priority. This is the dreadful, hurtful
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side of the attachment wound. But there's also a long for or
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hopeful side, which is I hope that my partner's going to
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respond differently this time. I hope that when this feeling
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comes up that there will be some kind of repair, some different
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experience I can get from my partner that would tell me
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something different about myself and create any kind of repair
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that I've never gotten before. And so there are two sides to an
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attachment injury. And in fact, both these sides
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play out in tandem in our relationships, when we, when we
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are getting dysregulated, when we're raising our voices, when
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we're getting very emotional, part of that is because we're
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protesting. We're saying, my gosh, my love,
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can't you hear me? Can't you hear how I'm
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protesting? Can't you see how much I'm
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hoping to get something different from you in this
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moment? And so they have two different
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sides that play off each other. Very much like two sides of the
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same coin. You can't have one side without
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the other And they're both present it and and it's not so
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much. This is important to the
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attachment injury is not so much the actual injury that happened,
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but actually what happens inside of us that creates the injury.
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It is our perception of that injury and it is how we carry
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that burden around with us that that creates so much of the
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trauma. And so when triggered, old
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wounds prevent repairs. So how do we get to the root of
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the problem? We have to be able to understand
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what is being triggered for me here, and can I identify this
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long enough to be able to communicate from that place.
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One of my favorite quotes is from William Faulkner.
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He says the past is never dead. It's not even past.
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And I think that applies so perfectly here.
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When we get locked in these cycles, when there's ruptures we
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have in our relationship, that past comes alive in US and it
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comes alive in terms of attachment wounds.
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And we need to be able to identify what those attachment
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wounds are. So how do we, how do we
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recognize an attachment wound? We kind of described what it is,
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some components of it, but what does it actually look like or
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show up as in our relationships? Well, one of the ways is that
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could be easily triggered, we could become emotionally
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dysregulated. Quite often in our
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relationships, we might find ourselves being excessively
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defensive. So do you do you feel a shift in
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your body and do you feel yourself becoming defensive
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quite often in your relationship?
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If so, there may be a wound that's being poked at there.
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Do this does. Does the same feelings keep
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coming up? Shame, guilt, pain, hurt,
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etcetera? So do you do you recognize that?
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Oh, here's that same feeling again.
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I'm feeling unworthy. I'm feeling unloved.
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I'm feeling not a priority to my partner, So recognize that there
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could be some thematic feelings that come up for you over and
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over, and if so, that may help you understand more of what that
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attachment wound is. Are you sensitive to being
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abandoned or feeling rejected by your partner?
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Are you consistently insecure? Do you feel like you need your
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partner to be close? Do you find yourself being
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somewhat clinging to your partner?
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Or on the opposite side, do you do you over value your
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independence? Do you?
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Does your partner feel smothering when they want to get
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closer to you and you find yourself pushing and pulling
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away? Mistrust of your partner and
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mistrust of yourself is another way to recognize an attachment
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wound. Do you.
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Do you feel like there's this gut response?
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Like when my partner says they love me or they had a good time
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with me? Is there something inside that
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just says I don't know if I can trust that?
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All that that they're just saying that.
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Do you find you make excuses for your partner's words of love and
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words of affirmation to you? Oh, they'd really.
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They said I'm pretty, but they really don't mean I'm pretty.
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Or they said I'm handsome and and they really don't.
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She really doesn't think I'm handsome.
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She's just with me because of these other reasons, whatever
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that might that might be. So there's this little gut
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response that that can't believe other people that mistrust their
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intentions. How about excessive reliance on
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your partner for soothing, comfort or nurturance or, as I
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said, excessive independence? OR how about a disproportionate
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reaction to a situation? I'm I'm in my studio here and
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I'm raising my hand. You can't see this because, boy,
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I've sure done that one. My partner says something and it
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triggers something in me. And all of a sudden all this
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emotion comes up and it spills out into the relationship and it
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kind of comes out of nowhere and it's a completely
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disproportionate reaction to the situation.
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And so that's some of the ways that we can begin to recognize
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an attachment wound. When we be able to, when we're
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able to recognize that, then what we're able to do is
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actually then be able to discern what's this really about, what's
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really going on here. I think I've mentioned on my
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podcast before the couple that had a huge knock down drag out
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fight over a burrito. And and if you've listened to my
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podcast at all, you know, I'm a big fan of saying it's not about
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that, It's about this. It's not about what's above the
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iceberg. It's about what's below the
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iceberg. And so that burrito just simply
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represented that when I asked my partner or tell my partner
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things, I'm never listened to. And and that feeling was a theme
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in that relationship. It was an unrepaired wound that
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kept coming up. So the burrito was just the
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straw that broke the camel's back in that particular case,
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because that person really wasn't angry about the burrito.
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That was a solvable problem. He could eat something else.
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They could go get another burrito.
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No big deal. But what it was about was his
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partner being able to recognize. Yes, there are times when you
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tell me you want or need something and I don't meet that
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need for you. And when when you when that
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happens, you feel not seen in this relationship, not seen by
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me. And because I'm important,
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because I love you, because I'm your significant person, the
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most significant person in your life, not being seen by me
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hurts. And that's a wound that keeps
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coming up over and over and over.
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So that's sort of an example of how our feelings and and these
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thematic thoughts can come back up over and over in a
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relationship and point us towards the actual wound that
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might be being triggered in our disruptions.
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And when that happens, we have a much, much better chance of
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being able to then drill down and get to the root of the
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problem in our ruptures. So here's an exercise I want you
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to try. And my dear listeners And so
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create a grid on a sheet of paper.
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I want. I want 5 columns.
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And let's just start with five rows.
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And so at the top of the first column on the left side of the
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page I want you to put down Interaction and then the next
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column Feeling and then the next column primary or secondary
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emotion. And then the 4th column I want
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you to write story and finally on the last column on the right
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right need. So what I want you to do then is
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use this as a little template to help yourself think about the
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interactions you have with your partner and what actually
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happens. Are there feelings?
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And are there the same thoughts that come up for me that I'm not
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getting certain needs met in my relationship?
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And if so, this might be able to funnel down more clearly for you
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what some of these disruptions and ruptures are about in your
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relationship? My guess is when you have a
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rupture with your partner, some of these themes are coming up
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and they're being poked at or your partner's getting too close
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to an area that that is an old wound and you immediately move
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into a place of protection and you might have disproportionate
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reactions to your partner at times.
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So an example might be interaction.
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We were having dinner tonight. My partner said something that
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was a tone of voice that used, a tone of voice that that brought
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up anger for me. But and so that was the feeling.
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Primary, secondary. Well, if I think about this and
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reflect on it, that was a that was a secondary emotion.
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I got angry because the tone of voice signaled something to me
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that actually was more hurtful. So I used a secondary emotion,
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but the primary emotion was actually more hurt and and the
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story I'm telling myself about that hurt was is that I'm I'm
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not listened to in this relationship that my part I'll
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say things, my partner asked me questions and then when I give
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an answer my partner immediately dismisses it.
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And so I don't feel like I'm actually valued or heard in this
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relationship if they don't want to know my opinion, so why would
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they ask in the 1st place? And that's hurtful to me.
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And so the need is that I'm lacking validation from my
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partner. Validation that I provided an
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answer that was actually valid, that was an honest answer.
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Now, it may not be completely applicable, they may not want to
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take my advice, but even just being able to acknowledge when
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they asked me my opinion on something and I gave it to them
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helps me feel seen in this relationship.
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More so I'm lacking a sense of validation.
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And so that is kind of an example of how you can fill out
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this grid. Think about the interaction that
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occurred with your partner, think about the feeling that
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came up for you. Ask yourself, was this a primary
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or a secondary feeling? Often getting to the root of the
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problem, you're going to want to get past the reactive anger and
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get to some primary feeling. That primary feeling might be,
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well, I felt embarrassed, ashamed, humiliated.
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I felt, I felt hurt. I felt guilt.
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It's going to be some harder feelings that we often don't
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want to hold on to, and so we use another feeling to actually
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protect those more vulnerable feelings.
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So ask yourself, was my reaction a primary or a secondary
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feeling? And then finally, what's the
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story I'm telling myself about this feeling.
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If I if I drill down and I recognize that, well I was
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actually hurt by my my partner blowing off my comment my
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suggestion when they asked me, then that hurt is gonna tell
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your tell you a story about your experience in this relationship
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and you need to be able to tap into that.
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And so understanding, OK, what is the story I'm telling myself?
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Well, I'm telling myself that I am not seen and I'm not
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recognized and I'm not validated.
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At times when I speak in this relationship, when I tell my
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partner something, they are very quick to dismiss it.
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And that is hurtful to me because they're my attachment
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partner. They're the ones I look to for
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that sort of validation more than anybody else in the world.
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And so there's an unmet need here for me.
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I need my partner to at least validate.
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They don't have to agree, but they can at least validate that
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I've said something worthwhile. So I want you to try that
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exercise and then once you do, I want you to be able to go to
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your partner and be able to communicate some themes that are
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coming up for you. So as you go through and you
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look at several interactions that you might have, that's why
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we did 5 lines in addition to those five columns that were
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coming up. So you look at 5 different
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events that are coming up for you or that have transpired with
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you and your partner, five different interactions.
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Then you're going to be able to pick up on some themes.
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Do I often get hurt when my partner invalidates me?
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Yes, I do. Do I often react more with anger
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and and I don't let my partner see the hurt.
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Yes, I do. Does that hurt usually tell me
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the same story? Yes, it does.
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It tells me that I'm not being seen and that there's a need
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that's not being met in my relationship by my partner.
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So then I want you to go and I want you to sit your partner
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down and I want you to walk through with your partner these
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different events that you have outlined and the themes that are
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coming together for you. And I want you to structure this
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no more than 15 minutes and I want you to speak from your own
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sense of self. You are not here to.
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To blame your partner. You are not here to try to
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solicit advice or counsel from your partner.
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You are not trying to get their feedback.
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You just simply want to share this with them when you're not
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triggered and when you are not in in a defensive place so that
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they can hear it better. So when you're describing this
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to them, you don't want to use a secondary motion.
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You don't want to start getting angry.
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You want to stay in that primary emotion of hurt so they can hear
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you better, and you want to be able to walk this through with
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them and then be able to ask them.
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There's something that I'm missing that I would really like
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for you in this relationship, and I've only been able to
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recognize it by by plotting these different themes.
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Could you please start validating more of the things
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that I'm saying to you, especially when you asked my
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advice or you asked my opinion. Would you please start?
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But before you go off and say the things, could you validate
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just what I'm saying? It would really help me.
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I think it would meet a need in this relationship and then and
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then they can respond however they need to, but you just want
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them to listen. You want to structure this, sit
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down with them and you want to be able to sort of pull some of
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these events and examples together for them.
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This is very important. Now the last thing I want to say
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is this might be really, really risky for people that are are
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identifying traumatic themes for them and so going and sitting
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down and talking with them, I could be extremely vulnerable.
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And if it is, if that is too scary for you, then don't do it.
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I'm not trying to re traumatize anybody here.
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We're doing the the opposite of that.
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I want to I want to heal on this podcast, not re traumatize
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anybody. So if if that seems like a
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really risky thing for you going and talking to your partner,
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then don't do it. You can simply fill out the
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sheet and identify these themes for you and try to get yourself
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into a place so that next time you don't respond with the
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secondary emotion, you respond with a primary emotion.
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And when you do that, what I think will happen is I think
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that you guys will get to the root of the issue much better,
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much quicker, and give yourself a much bigger chance to repair
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those ruptures when they happen by getting to the root of the
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problem. Thank you so much for listening.
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I really enjoy all the feedback you guys have been getting.
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I really encourage you to continue giving feedback and
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we're going to keep pushing these different topics out and
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hopefully are able to enrich you and enrich your relationships so
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we can start to prevent and build some trauma free
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relationships out there. Thank you very much.
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And we'll talk to you next time. Thank you for listening to
23:18
Trauma Free Relationship, a podcast for the healing of
23:21
attachment trauma. You can find us on Facebook,
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Instagram, or our website at traumafreerelationship.com.
23:28
Be sure to look for our next episode on your favorite
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streaming service.