Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #570 Do Over - What Would You Change If You Could?

Transcript

#570 Do Over - What Would You Change If You Could? · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

• 0:03
  Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast. It's the podcast for the
• 0:07
  Speaker 1: time poor parent who just wants answers.
• 0:10
  Speaker 2: Now, let's be grateful for our regrets because they give
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  Speaker 2: us the growth, they give us the meaning. They improve
• 0:14
  Speaker 2: our performance, they improve our decisions if we're willing to
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  Speaker 2: be analytical and strategic about them.
• 0:19
  Speaker 1: And now here's the stars of our show, my mum
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  Speaker 1: and dad.
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  Speaker 3: Hey, a quick question for you, Coylie. I'm back. I'm
• 0:25
  Speaker 3: back from New Zealand.
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  Speaker 2: By the way, can I say how much I love
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  Speaker 2: being back on the Sunshine Coast where it is not
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  Speaker 2: six degrees in the middle of the day.
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  Speaker 4: I ate all the trouble.
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  Speaker 3: Yes, I noticed, coup Believe you did that. This is
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  Speaker 3: Doc Justin Colson Hallo.
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  Speaker 2: I'm the founder of Happy Families dot com, dot you,
• 0:41
  Speaker 2: and the parenting expert on Channel Line's Parental Guidance. Also
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  Speaker 2: dad to six kids who I share with the mum
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  Speaker 2: of those six kids, Kylie, this Happy Family. She joins
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  Speaker 2: me on the podcast today. And Kylie, have you noticed
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  Speaker 2: that I've been using my telephone a lot less lately?
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  Speaker 3: I know I've been in New Zealand.
• 0:57
  Speaker 2: For the last couple of days, but have you noticed
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  Speaker 2: how little I've been using my phone over the last
• 1:00
  Speaker 2: couple of weeks. That was hardly encouraging.
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  Speaker 3: Really a little bit.
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  Speaker 4: You've been reading a lot.
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  Speaker 3: I've been reading a lot.
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  Speaker 2: I've read like I can't wait for next week when
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  Speaker 2: we have our book club conversation.
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  Speaker 3: I just read.
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  Speaker 4: I'm just saying I'm excited.
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  Speaker 3: Books this month, six books. Not that I'm showing off.
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  Speaker 4: How many dishes have you done?
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  Speaker 3: I used to.
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  Speaker 2: I'm still doing the dishes like crazy, not like our kids.
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  Speaker 2: The total screen time that I normally get prior to
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  Speaker 2: my recent screen time changes, I've gone from between four
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  Speaker 2: and five hours a day on my telephone to less
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  Speaker 2: than an hour and a half per day. I've gone
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  Speaker 2: from more than one hundred pickups per day. I'm down
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  Speaker 2: to forty two pickups per day.
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  Speaker 4: You've still got a long way to go.
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  Speaker 3: Then, should we have look at your phone? Missus happy family?
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  Speaker 4: You can, but it's not very fair because my phone
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  Speaker 4: is used by three other children.
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  Speaker 2: Oh, excuses, excuses, excuse now. The reason that I'm bringing
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  Speaker 2: that up is because I wanted to talk today about
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  Speaker 2: a topic. What moments would you take back so that
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  Speaker 2: you could have them differently? If you could go back
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  Speaker 2: and do it all over again. It meant the time machine,
• 2:09
  Speaker 2: go back and stop yourself doing or do differently if
• 2:12
  Speaker 2: you had to go through that scenario again. And I
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  Speaker 2: was replaying various scenarios in my head, and I thought,
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  Speaker 2: wouldn't that be a great podcast conversation. I'll go first,
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  Speaker 2: And you know what's interesting about this. The first one
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  Speaker 2: that I thought of was the one that I talk
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  Speaker 2: about all the time in my book and my presentation,
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  Speaker 2: the one where I completely lost the plot without three
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  Speaker 2: in nature with Chanel when she was a three year
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  Speaker 2: old girl, and I lost the plot, and that was
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  Speaker 2: did you just call her a three name three naj?
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  Speaker 3: Yeah? Yeah.
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  Speaker 2: And the reason that I would go back is because
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  Speaker 2: it was such a hurtful experience. I was so mad
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  Speaker 2: at her and I hurt her and it wounded me.
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  Speaker 2: It still does wound me today. And yet if I
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  Speaker 2: went back and change that, I'd probably still be a
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  Speaker 2: radio announcer. I probably wouldn't have quit my career. I
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  Speaker 2: probably wouldn't have gone and done my psychology study. He's
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  Speaker 2: gotten a PhD, written the books, and we wouldn't of them.
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  Speaker 4: It was the catalyst for change. Yes, it was so
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  Speaker 4: painful that it created change.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, and so I kind of went, wow, I don't
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  Speaker 2: know if I I don't know if I would. It
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  Speaker 2: was a horrible situation. It's something that I hope I
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  Speaker 2: never experienced again, and I have that none of my
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  Speaker 2: children ever experienced, on nobody's children ever experienced.
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  Speaker 3: And yet it was so important.
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  Speaker 2: And then I thought of the other just the mistakes
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  Speaker 2: that I make when I get cranky and I call
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  Speaker 2: the kids a name, or I ignore them, or I'm
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  Speaker 2: staring at my phone. Hence my question, have you noticed
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  Speaker 2: I'm trying so hard to not use my phone anymore.
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  Speaker 2: I've actually deleted a whole lot of apps. I've blocked
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  Speaker 2: all of my all the websites. I can now only
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  Speaker 2: look at like three different websites. I've literally put as
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  Speaker 2: screen time limit so I can't look at any other website.
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  Speaker 3: I can't check them news sites, can't even check Facebook.
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  Speaker 2: It's all gone because I feel so much regret over
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  Speaker 2: the times where I've gotten it wrong. What did you
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  Speaker 2: put on your list when I asked you?
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  Speaker 4: This is a pretty tricky one because we all have
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  Speaker 4: moments that we regret, and I think probably the first
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  Speaker 4: one that stands out to me would be we had
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  Speaker 4: baby number two, and then four months later, I fell
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  Speaker 4: pregnant with baby number three. Yes, and that was a
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  Speaker 4: really huge turning point for me and my mothering. Up
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  Speaker 4: until that point, I really felt like I had a
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  Speaker 4: handle on things. But when I fell pregnant with baby
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  Speaker 4: number three, number one, I knew physically my body had
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  Speaker 4: not healed yet, and I was not physically prepared for it.
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  Speaker 4: But I was definitely not mentally prepared to do that
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  Speaker 4: again and go through that process, and as a result,
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  Speaker 4: I fell a pardon. That two years was very dark
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  Speaker 4: and very messy for all of us.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, you had some proper mental health challenges through that
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  Speaker 2: yet time.
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  Speaker 4: But I feel like it took me, like, not just
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  Speaker 4: the two years till I was kind of really back
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  Speaker 4: on my feet. It took me a long time, a
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  Speaker 4: long time to find my confidence as a much again
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  Speaker 4: and to feel whole again. That had a huge impact
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  Speaker 4: on me and as a results as a mother figure
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  Speaker 4: for my children. You know, I just I don't feel
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  Speaker 4: like they ever got the best of me for many
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  Speaker 4: many years.
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  Speaker 3: And yet I look at those kids and I'm so
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  Speaker 3: grateful for them. They were just such great kids.
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  Speaker 4: Yes, I'm not for any second saying I didn't don't
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  Speaker 4: want and didn't want that child just so close together.
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  Speaker 4: YEA was my undoing for a very long time.
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  Speaker 2: Any other regrets to anything else that if you could
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  Speaker 2: go back and change, you'd love to know.
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  Speaker 4: You talked about the three three Manger. She has been
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  Speaker 4: one of our biggest teachers in life. And when she
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  Speaker 4: became a proper teenager and went through her rebellion and
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  Speaker 4: rebellious stage, I remember for so long feeling really calm
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  Speaker 4: and peaceful. I recognized that she was just spread her
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  Speaker 4: wings and she was just, you know, pushing the boundaries
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  Speaker 4: because that's what you do at that age. And it
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  Speaker 4: wasn't until she started sharing what she was doing that
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  Speaker 4: the panic buttons started to push. And I was so
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  Speaker 4: fearful of losing her that I did things that I'm
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  Speaker 4: not proud of. And we had conversations that I wish
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  Speaker 4: we'd never had, and interactions that were hurtful on both sides.
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  Speaker 2: And isn't it funny how how terribly badly we parent
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  Speaker 2: when we parent out a fear rather rather than trust
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  Speaker 2: or faith or whatever word you want to use instead.
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  Speaker 4: And I just wish that I had trusted my initial instinct,
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  Speaker 4: which was, she's doing exactly what she's supposed to be
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  Speaker 4: doing right now. She's right where she's supposed to be.
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  Speaker 4: She is supposed to be pushing those boundaries, she is
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  Speaker 4: supposed to be trying to work it out for herself
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  Speaker 4: because she is such a beautiful kid, and she is
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  Speaker 4: doing life her own way, and it's not the way
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  Speaker 4: I would have chosen, but it's not my life. It'
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  Speaker 4: ters and because of that, the relationship that we share
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  Speaker 4: is beautiful.
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  Speaker 3: After the break.
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  Speaker 2: I want to share some ideas to help any parent
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  Speaker 2: who has some regrets, any parent who would love to
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  Speaker 2: go back and do things a little differently. Psychological science
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  Speaker 2: has given us a couple of hints on how we
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  Speaker 2: can move forward when sometimes all we want to do
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  Speaker 2: is look backwards. If you have more than one child,
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  Speaker 2: there's a simple truth. They're going to fight, they're going
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  Speaker 2: to compete, and they're going to have relationship troubles. But
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  Speaker 2: the real secret isn't how to stop the fighting, it's
• 7:36
  Speaker 2: how to teach them kindness. The Teaching Kids Kindness webinar
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  Speaker 2: will help you to do just that, but also help
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  Speaker 2: them build lifelong sibling bonds that lead to lifelong friendships.
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  Speaker 2: Check out Teaching Kids Kindness at happy families dot com
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  Speaker 2: dot au.
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  Speaker 4: It's the Happy Families podcast, the podcast for the time
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  Speaker 4: poor parent who just wants answers.
• 7:55
  Speaker 2: Now, have you heard of the first law of holes?
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  Speaker 4: The first law of holes?
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  Speaker 2: I'll take that response as an h L E. S. Yeah,
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  Speaker 2: like as in a hole in the ground, the first
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  Speaker 2: law of holes. I guess you haven't. Based on that response.
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  Speaker 2: The first law of holes is when you find yourself
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  Speaker 2: in one, stop digging. You didn't laugh.
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  Speaker 3: I was expecting law from you that this is. Is
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  Speaker 3: this a joke? Well, well no, it ties in with
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  Speaker 3: what we're getting out.
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  Speaker 4: But that was a joke.
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  Speaker 2: Well no, no, it's actually something that's called the first
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  Speaker 2: law of holes. If you google it, I'm sure you'll
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  Speaker 2: find it. Hang on a sec, I need to google
• 8:29
  Speaker 2: to make sure that the first law of holes is
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  Speaker 2: really a thing.
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  Speaker 4: You usually got your psychology hat on, so I was
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  Speaker 4: waiting for something really profound.
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  Speaker 3: The first Law of holes on Wikipedia. Here we go.
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  Speaker 3: The first law of holes or the law of holes.
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  Speaker 2: Is an adage which states, if you find yourself in
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  Speaker 2: a hole, stop digging. When it is said, if you
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  Speaker 2: find yourself in a hole, stop digging. It's because digging
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  Speaker 2: a hole makes it deeper and therefore harder to get
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  Speaker 2: out of, which is used as a metaphor when in
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  Speaker 2: an untenable position, it's best to stop making the situation worse.
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  Speaker 2: More generally, it advises how one should solve problems of
• 8:58
  Speaker 2: their own making. This second law of holes is commonly
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  Speaker 2: known as when you stop digging, you are still in
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  Speaker 2: a hole. And that's why I just thought the law
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  Speaker 2: of holes was. We're talking about regrets, we're talking about
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  Speaker 2: the things that we get wrong, and I wanted to
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  Speaker 2: bring up the first law of holes because when we
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  Speaker 2: think about the scenarios where we wish we could go
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  Speaker 2: back and do them differently, what we're really saying is,
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  Speaker 2: we found ourselves in a hole, did we stop digging?
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  Speaker 3: What did we do?
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  Speaker 2: And when we stop digging and get ourselves out of
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  Speaker 2: the hole, we're doing hard things.
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  Speaker 3: Yes, yes, that's exactly right.
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  Speaker 4: We're stretching our muscles, we're becoming stronger in whatever it
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  Speaker 4: is that we're striving to achieve.
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  Speaker 2: Okay, so let's talk about regret, because we both have
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  Speaker 2: these regrets from the way we've raised our kids and
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  Speaker 2: we know that every parent does. So I want to
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  Speaker 2: highlight some advantages to regret.
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  Speaker 4: Well, they stop you from making the same mistake.
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  Speaker 3: Yes, yeah, that's exactly right.
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  Speaker 2: I've got three ideas that the tie in with that.
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  Speaker 2: What regret does is, first off, it improves a decision making.
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  Speaker 2: So because we've made the mistakes that we've made, we
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  Speaker 2: can now look at those mistakes and say, well, next
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  Speaker 2: time I'm in a hole like that, I'm going to
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  Speaker 2: stop digging sooner or I'm not even going to pick
• 10:09
  Speaker 2: up shovel and allow myself to get into that hole.
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  Speaker 2: So our decision making becomes much better because of the.
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  Speaker 3: Experiences that we've had.
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  Speaker 2: Some people say, oh, I don't have any regrets in
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  Speaker 2: my life, and my response to that is, then you
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  Speaker 2: haven't learned anything.
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  Speaker 4: You haven't actually been true to yourself.
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  Speaker 3: Maybe yeah, I mean, like you're not acting. Do you
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  Speaker 3: know what your values are?
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  Speaker 1: Like?
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  Speaker 2: Have you ever transgressed your values? How could you not
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  Speaker 2: regret things in your life?
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  Speaker 4: I think that if you've learnt to people, please, I
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  Speaker 4: think that's where that comes from.
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  Speaker 2: But wouldn't you regret that as well? Because you're not
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  Speaker 2: living authentically, You're.
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  Speaker 4: Not living haven't even worked out well.
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  Speaker 3: So you need to know who you are, that's right.
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  Speaker 4: So I think that people that say they don't have
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  Speaker 4: any regrets are people that don't actually truly know who
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  Speaker 4: they are.
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  Speaker 2: When I think about how regret improves decisions, and I
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  Speaker 2: think about the mistakes that I made with Chanel that
• 10:57
  Speaker 2: day when she was three, the decision that I made
• 11:00
  Speaker 2: following that regret has changed our lives and the lives
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  Speaker 2: of hundreds of thousands of people around the world literally
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  Speaker 2: because of that one thing. I still regret it, but
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  Speaker 2: I wouldn't change it. I wouldn't jump into the way
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  Speaker 2: back machine, go back and try to stop myself from
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  Speaker 2: losing the plot that day because it has fundamentally changed
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  Speaker 2: everything for so many Well.
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  Speaker 4: And I think about the experiences we had with her
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  Speaker 4: as a teenager, and in some ways, as much as
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  Speaker 4: I wish that we could take that back as well,
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  Speaker 4: I actually feel like she saw us wrestling, She saw
• 11:29
  Speaker 4: us wrestling with our own internals, and as a result,
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  Speaker 4: could recognize just how hard it was for us to
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  Speaker 4: get from A to B, and the respect that she
• 11:41
  Speaker 4: actually has for us now that we're at B only
• 11:45
  Speaker 4: came because she was intimately aware of that wrestle.
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  Speaker 2: Also, the things that we went through with her have
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  Speaker 2: made us better parents, and they've made us better like
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  Speaker 2: we make much better decisions in terms of who we
• 11:57
  Speaker 2: help and how we help them and the families that
• 11:59
  Speaker 2: I'm able to help. Everything that we regret has actually
• 12:03
  Speaker 2: been turned to our good for our learning and benefit
• 12:06
  Speaker 2: and the benefit of those around us. Even having two
• 12:09
  Speaker 2: kids forty months apart, we make better decisions.
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  Speaker 3: Didn't do that again? Did we?
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  Speaker 2: We go way better at the Second thing that regret
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  Speaker 2: does is regret helps you to improve your performance, like
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  Speaker 2: you just do things better. That's why my regrets around
• 12:21
  Speaker 2: not being available to the kids because I'm staring at
• 12:23
  Speaker 2: a screen. I now leave the phone in the bedroom,
• 12:27
  Speaker 2: or I leave the phone somewhere where I'm not with
• 12:29
  Speaker 2: the kids. I don't know if you've noticed, I just
• 12:30
  Speaker 2: don't have the phone on me.
• 12:31
  Speaker 4: I wonder if we had tabs on a book, whether
• 12:34
  Speaker 4: or not it would have the same.
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  Speaker 2: Well, you know what, though books have, books have natural
• 12:40
  Speaker 2: stopping places right end of chapter, end of paragraph, end
• 12:43
  Speaker 2: of sentence, whereas with Instagram, once you get onto those reels,
• 12:47
  Speaker 2: once you get on TikTok, there is no natural stopping place.
• 12:50
  Speaker 3: It's engineered that way. You're watching a TV show, if
• 12:52
  Speaker 3: you're reading a good book.
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  Speaker 4: It's hard to put it down. Of course it is,
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  Speaker 4: even if there is a natural stopping place.
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  Speaker 2: All I'm saying is the regrets that we have help
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  Speaker 2: us to do better. I'm on my phone less and
• 13:02
  Speaker 2: I think about times where I might have called the kids.
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  Speaker 3: A name, for example.
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  Speaker 2: The hurt that that creates leads to the regret that
• 13:08
  Speaker 2: makes me say, I can't do that again. And so
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  Speaker 2: regret doesn't just improve our decisions, it improves our performance.
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  Speaker 2: But the big one, and you've really skimmed around this
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  Speaker 2: the whole time we've been talking without actually saying it,
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  Speaker 2: is regrets deepen. Meaning So when you think about these
• 13:25
  Speaker 2: hard things that we've been through, you think about the
• 13:27
  Speaker 2: mistakes we've made, You think about the regrets that we make,
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  Speaker 2: the regrets that we create as parents, because we work
• 13:34
  Speaker 2: through them and figure out how to reconcile from the ruptures,
• 13:37
  Speaker 2: because we work out how we can become better, how
• 13:39
  Speaker 2: we can tune our character to a higher level, how
• 13:42
  Speaker 2: we can work with our kids and help them to
• 13:44
  Speaker 2: improve after a regretful moment. What that does is it
• 13:49
  Speaker 2: deepens the quality of the relationship. It deepens the meaning
• 13:52
  Speaker 2: of our lives the regrets that we have. Actually, I
• 13:56
  Speaker 2: love that song. I don't even remember who sings, and
• 13:58
  Speaker 2: I think it's a Frank Sinatras.
• 14:00
  Speaker 3: The line is regrets.
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  Speaker 2: I have a few, and I think we don't recognize
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  Speaker 2: the value of regrets. When people say regret nothing or
• 14:07
  Speaker 2: I've got no regrets, I'm sort of going, I don't
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  Speaker 2: think you're thinking hard enough about it.
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  Speaker 3: I'm so grateful for the things that I regret.
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  Speaker 4: I don't think it's the same for everyone, though. I
• 14:15
  Speaker 4: think that some people feel stuck by regret sure, and
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  Speaker 4: this probably doesn't allow them to actually move forward.
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  Speaker 2: And in some cases there'd be some terrible trauma associated
• 14:24
  Speaker 2: with some things. And so I want to be sensitive
• 14:26
  Speaker 2: that I'm not putting this blanket statement of that we
• 14:29
  Speaker 2: should regret everything or whatever it is.
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  Speaker 3: But I just want to highlight that regrets.
• 14:32
  Speaker 2: Serve valuable purposes if will harness the value of them.
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  Speaker 2: And that's because we can do two things with regrets
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  Speaker 2: that we can't do with things that we don't regret.
• 14:42
  Speaker 2: The first one is that we can undo it. So
• 14:45
  Speaker 2: that's where apologies come in. That's where we learn from
• 14:48
  Speaker 2: what we don't make the mistake again, and when we
• 14:51
  Speaker 2: can't undo it, because some things you can't undo, like
• 14:53
  Speaker 2: you can't undo having two kids forty months apart, you.
• 14:56
  Speaker 4: Know you can't, but you do learn to say no.
• 15:01
  Speaker 2: Yes you do, don't you Missus Coulson, Yes you do.
• 15:04
  Speaker 2: My mummy used to always say three things never come back,
• 15:07
  Speaker 2: the spent arrow, the spoken word, and the lost opportunity.
• 15:12
  Speaker 2: It's actually a quote from William Gregory page. But Mummy
• 15:16
  Speaker 2: used to say that all the time. And when I
• 15:19
  Speaker 2: think about the regrets that we have, those words that
• 15:22
  Speaker 2: I've spoken that I wish they're gone, they never come back.
• 15:27
  Speaker 2: So I can't undo those things, just like a couple
• 15:31
  Speaker 2: of kids forty months apart. But if you can't undo it,
• 15:34
  Speaker 2: you can at least it. And when you at least it,
• 15:36
  Speaker 2: you say, well, I do regret it, but at least
• 15:40
  Speaker 2: and then you find the silver lining, You find the
• 15:42
  Speaker 2: bright side, You find the growth, you find the learning,
• 15:44
  Speaker 2: you find the benefit that came. Even though I wish
• 15:48
  Speaker 2: that I hadn't done what I did with my daughter
• 15:50
  Speaker 2: that day when she was three, I do, I really
• 15:53
  Speaker 2: wish that I hadn't, But at least because it happened.
• 15:56
  Speaker 2: All of these things have cascaded through our lives in
• 15:59
  Speaker 2: the life of other people. Does that make sense? Yeah,
• 16:01
  Speaker 2: totally so with regrets. Undo it if you can. If
• 16:04
  Speaker 2: you can't, undo it, at least it. But let's be
• 16:08
  Speaker 2: grateful for our regrets because they give us the growth,
• 16:10
  Speaker 2: they give us the meaning, They improve our performance, they
• 16:12
  Speaker 2: improve our decisions if we're willing to be analytical and
• 16:15
  Speaker 2: strategic about them.
• 16:16
  Speaker 3: That's my big idea for today's podcast.
• 16:20
  Speaker 4: It's a big idea, but I like it.
• 16:23
  Speaker 2: The Happy Family podcast is produced by Justin Ruland for
• 16:26
  Speaker 2: Bridge Media. Craig Bruce is our executive producer. If you'd
• 16:28
  Speaker 2: like more information about finding out how to make your
• 16:30
  Speaker 2: family happier, We've got a webinar this coming Monday night,
• 16:33
  Speaker 2: August fifteenth that I think you are going to love.
• 16:35
  Speaker 2: It's called what to Do When Kids Won't Listen? What
• 16:37
  Speaker 2: to do when kids won't listen so they don't end
• 16:40
  Speaker 2: up doing things that you'll regret. Join us for the webinar.
• 16:43
  Speaker 2: All the details are at the Facebook page doctor Justin
• 16:46
  Speaker 2: Colson's Happy Families on Facebook, or you can find more
• 16:50
  Speaker 2: info at happy families dot com.
• 16:51
  Speaker 3: Dot a you