Latest / No Shrinking Violets Podcast for Women / The Grief of Blindness and the Role of Grit and Gratitude

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The Grief of Blindness and the Role of Grit and Gratitude · No Shrinking Violets Podcast for Women

0:01
Laura: Validate your feelings and then choose to take one more step forward.
0:06
Laura: And the reason I say that is because the word you just used, feel that anger and say stuck there.
0:13
Laura: What we want to do is feel that anger because it's a hundred percent valid.
0:18
Laura: We want to move forward.
0:20
Laura: Even when we're still feeling angry.
0:29
Mary: Welcome to No Shrinking Violets.
0:31
Mary: I'm your host, Mary Rothwell, licensed therapist and certified integrative mental health practitioner.
0:37
Mary: I've created a space where we celebrate the intuition and power of women who want to break free from limiting narratives.
0:44
Mary: We'll explore all realms of wellness, what it means to take up space unapologetically, and how your essential nature is key to living life on your terms.
0:54
Mary: It's time to own your space, trust your nature, and flourish.
0:58
Mary: Let's dive in.
1:00
Mary: Hey Violets, welcome to the show.
1:05
Mary: In my nearly 20 years as a school counselor, I helped young people navigate some tough situations.
1:12
Mary: One of the most difficult health issues I've ever helped students navigate was future blindness.
1:17
Mary: Over my tenure, I had two students who were diagnosed with a condition which would render them sightless in their future.
1:23
Mary: They knew what was coming.
1:25
Mary: They couldn't change the outcome.
1:27
Mary: I also had a student during my time in higher education who navigated that as a kid, and when I worked with him, was in the final stages of losing his sight.
1:36
Mary: Out of all the challenges I've seen young people cope with over the years, I still think back on those situations nearly 20 years later.
1:44
Mary: This diagnosis of future blindness and the people it impacted, both my students and their families, is one I've never forgotten.
1:52
Mary: Even now, I'm touched by their experiences, by the inevitability of knowing what was coming and having to manage the emotional and practical issues that came with it.
2:02
Mary: So when my guest today reached out to me and I learned a bit of her story, I felt like it was kismet.
2:08
Mary: I wanted to explore the outcome of someone who had faced the same type of diagnosis as my students all those years ago.
2:15
Mary: And from what I can tell, she's now sharing her story from a frame of empowerment and, believe it or not, gratitude, which also makes this a wonderful story to share as we move through the holidays into a brand new year.
2:28
Mary: At the age of nine, Laura Bratton was diagnosed with an eye disease and faced the difficult reality that she would become blind.
2:36
Mary: Over the next 10 years, she experienced a traumatic transition of adjusting to life without sight.
2:41
Mary: She is the author of the book Harnessing Courage.
2:45
Mary: Laura found UB Global, which is an organization that provides speaking and coaching to empower all people to overcome the challenges and obstacles with grit and gratitude.
2:55
Mary: Welcome to No Shrinking Violets, Laura.
2:57
Mary: Thank you.
2:58
Mary: I'm excited to be here.
3:00
Mary: Yeah, I'm so glad to have you.
3:02
Mary: And we talked a little before I hit record.
3:04
Mary: I really do feel like this is bringing some things full circle because when you work with students in public education, you typically don't know the end of their story.
3:14
Mary: And so I feel like as we explore what you went through, it'll kind of help me know, okay, here's maybe a little bit what this might have been like.
3:24
Mary: So could you start with sharing your story of your diagnosis?
3:29
Laura: So uh I can't believe the full circle of you being a high school counselor.
3:35
Laura: That just absolutely gives me chills right now.
3:38
Laura: Because yes, I was diagnosed as a nine-year-old, yet the significant vision loss didn't happen until I was in high school.
3:47
Laura: So I when I was diagnosed, all they could say was, you will lose your sight, but we have no idea at what rate and the severity.
4:00
Laura: So it's an extremely rare retinal degeneration.
4:05
Laura: So even 30 years later, still we're doing testing.
4:09
Laura: In fact, just this morning, I was sending emails back and forth to a doctor I'm working with entering a new study.
4:15
Laura: So because it was so extremely rare, there was no timeline.
4:20
Laura: So they couldn't say, you'll be totally blind by 20, by 30, or you'll be legally blind by 40.
4:29
Laura: They couldn't give us any parameters.
4:34
Laura: So I did not enter high school or even go through middle school with this.
4:39
Laura: Yes, I was starting to learn Braille, but I didn't have the perspective, the mindset of, okay, in two years I'll be totally blind.
4:48
Laura: You know, it wasn't like this countdown in my head.
4:51
Laura: Yeah.
4:52
Laura: So I started to lose a significant amount of sight at the end of middle school.
4:58
Laura: Then throughout high school, by the time I graduated, I have what I have now.
5:02
Laura: So very no vision at all and very limited light perception.
5:08
Mary: Yeah.
5:09
Mary: Well, I know as a therapist, so what I think people struggle so much with is uncertainty.
5:16
Mary: So was it harder or I don't want to even use the word easier, but to not know, was that hard?
5:23
Mary: Did that make it harder?
5:26
Laura: Actually, it made it better because in my teenage developmental mind, I was just focused on the present.
5:36
Laura: Like my biggest worry were is my, you know, are my clothes keeping up with all the other girls?
5:42
Laura: Yeah.
5:43
Laura: Yes.
5:44
Laura: And my my genes need to be from Abercrombie Fitch.
5:47
Laura: That was the thing then in the 90s, right?
5:50
Laura: Like, so that was my focus.
5:52
Laura: That was my worry.
5:54
Laura: Like you were saying, not this uncertainty.
5:57
Laura: Okay.
5:58
Laura: Because I I think as I look back developmentally, I wasn't worried because again, it wasn't this automatic countdown.
6:08
Laura: Like a super common question that I get all the time is did you, you know, decorate your house in Christmas in July?
6:16
Laura: Like, did you want all these experiences one more time?
6:18
Laura: And both my response and my parents' response is no, because there was no timeline.
6:24
Laura: We were expecting when she was 40 or 60.
6:27
Speaker 1: Okay.
6:28
Laura: We no one was predicting it would be that quick.
6:31
Laura: So, yes, in that regard, it was better because there wasn't this countdown in my head.
6:38
Laura: Yeah.
6:40
Mary: So when you realized it was going a little bit faster than you had anticipated, what was that like?
6:48
Mary: How did you manage the emotions?
6:50
Mary: What helped you?
6:52
Laura: So the instant emotion was denial.
6:55
Laura: This is not really happening.
6:58
Laura: I'm not going blind.
6:59
Laura: I'm just losing a little bit of vision.
7:02
Laura: By the time I graduate from high school, all my vision will be back.
7:06
Laura: If I just pray hard enough, if I manifest hard enough, make enough vision boards, it'll all come back.
7:13
Laura: No worries.
7:15
Laura: That did not last long.
7:17
Laura: What did last long was the intense grief that I cannot put into words throughout high school.
7:26
Laura: And that the grief manifested in anxiety, just that deep panic for the future, and also that deep depression of I knew how easy it was with sight.
7:39
Laura: Yes.
7:40
Laura: Yeah.
7:42
Mary: So um, yeah, I one of the things that I often would think about with my students was the social aspect of it.
7:51
Mary: So is this something that your friends or just generally people in your class knew was happening to you?
8:00
Laura: Yes, and I want to put it in context because the context really, really matters.
8:05
Laura: So I grew up in the deep south.
8:08
Laura: I grew up in South Carolina.
8:10
Laura: So I say that to say, and again, this is late 90s, so early 2000s.
8:17
Laura: So think small town, small southern town, small school.
8:22
Laura: Everybody knows everyone's life, right?
8:28
Laura: Like, there are no secrets.
8:30
Laura: When your dad has a big day at work, everybody knows, right?
8:33
Laura: Like, so yes, they knew because of the context, and I also share that to say the majority of friends that I had, those close friends, our parents knew each other in high school.
8:47
Laura: Our moms were pregnant at the same time.
8:50
Laura: Like, so we had that deep foundation of we knew each other literally our whole entire lives.
9:00
Laura: It wasn't just like we met in high school, and then all of a sudden I'm losing my sight.
9:06
Speaker 1: Yeah.
9:07
Laura: So I again I share that to say there's that deep, rich history of you're still just Lara.
9:13
Laura: We just have to help you a little bit more.
9:16
Mary: I love that.
9:17
Mary: And you know, I also think about I always think in terms of sort of themes when I talk with women, because one of the themes that often comes up on this show is the idea of anger and how it's acceptable to express anger as a woman.
9:33
Mary: So you talk about grief, and so let me, I'm gonna stick a pin in the anger thing because I want to circle back to grief for a second.
9:40
Mary: I think when we hear the word grief, we think of it as losing a person, as a death.
9:46
Mary: But there are so many losses.
9:48
Mary: And so that idea of grieving this thing that you've lost is so, I mean, that's so valid.
9:56
Mary: That that had to be a process that you navigated.
10:00
Laura: Yes.
10:00
Laura: And you literally, thank you for saying that, because you literally say the words I say every single day when working with people.
10:07
Laura: We assume and think our grief is only valid when it's a human death.
10:12
Laura: Grief is called, I'm certified in grief counseling, and it's called non-death loss.
10:19
Laura: And the grief is equally as valid.
10:22
Laura: So all throughout high school, I assumed my grief wasn't valid or real or something's wrong with me because I wasn't just like getting over and moving on, because nobody died.
10:33
Laura: Like I didn't physically lose a person.
10:35
Laura: But the fact that I did lose my physical eyes, right?
10:38
Laura: Yeah, it wasn't until the conversation changed that whole perspective.
10:45
Laura: So it was the week before I was starting college, and I was in an administrator's office, and we were talking about she was one of my like academic counselors, and we were talking about schedules and you know, lining everything up and making sure everything was prepared and ready to go for the following week.
11:03
Laura: And at the end of the conversation, she said, Laura, I just want to say one more thing before you leave.
11:09
Laura: So again, I'm thinking, like, oh, she's gonna tell me that professor is terrible, you know, like something about that.
11:15
Laura: And she just said, I want to give you permission to grieve.
11:20
Laura: And of course, I looked at her like, seriously?
11:22
Laura: Like, really?
11:23
Laura: You know, again, I'm 18 in college, right?
11:25
Laura: Like, I know everything.
11:27
Laura: And she said, I want to let you know it's okay to grieve, and part of the healing process is grieving.
11:36
Speaker 1: Wow.
11:37
Laura: And I also want to give you permission that you grieve and move forward at the same time.
11:43
Laura: I know that you think I grieved through high school, I checked that box, now I can move forward.
11:50
Laura: I just want to give you permission.
11:52
Laura: You will grieve at some level the rest of your life, and that's not a weakness, that doesn't mean you have not accepted your blindness, that doesn't mean you know therapy wasn't effective.
12:05
Laura: It simply means you've lost one of your major senses, and that will be a loss you'll experience forever.
12:13
Laura: And so I just want to give you permission.
12:16
Laura: That interaction changed my whole mindset.
12:23
Laura: I'm sure.
12:25
Laura: Yeah, because she named it she named it, yeah, and the permission, right?
12:33
Laura: Uh-huh.
12:33
Laura: And so that's why everyone listening to this podcast, you have permission to grieve.
12:41
Speaker 1: Yeah.
12:42
Laura: If it's a job, it's if it's a divorce, a cancer diagnosis, any type of diagnosis, uh, even like kids going away to college, right?
12:52
Laura: Like you have permission to grieve as we go through these changes in life.
13:00
Mary: Well, any loss, yeah, you have there's a grieving process, and you point out something so important that when we lose a person.
13:08
Mary: So I've also worked with students who lost parents, you know, and then they talk about, well, when I get married, or when all the things, my dad won't be there, my mom won't be there.
13:17
Mary: But I imagine for you, anytime there is a new thing, whether you're traveling or you're meeting people, you're grieving the fact that you can't see that a hundred percent, one hundred percent, and that is so I of course, as an 18-year-old, I didn't believe her at the time.
13:36
Laura: I was like, no, I'm good, I'm good.
13:37
Laura: But it's so true, and all these huge markers I can't see.
13:44
Laura: So a real world lived example.
13:47
Laura: When as my nieces, you know, were old enough and started playing sports and tribal sports, my nieces and nephew.
13:54
Laura: I there was so much anger and grief over I can't physically see with my subdulder.
14:02
Laura: She does travel soccer.
14:04
Laura: The fact that I can't obviously I'm there, but I'm not physically seeing her, that's a loss.
14:11
Laura: Yeah, that's a grief process.
14:13
Laura: And so you I say that to say, you're a hundred percent right on when you have those new experiences, you feel that grief.
14:24
Mary: Yeah, and to know that it's okay to continually grieve different things because we also like to believe that healing is linear, that we arrive and then we're all good, and we never miss anything, or we never wish, or and that's just not true.
14:43
Laura: Yeah, I needed you 30 years ago because I thought healing was the destination, yeah.
14:51
Laura: Yeah, and then I'm good to go forever.
14:55
Mary: Right, right.
14:56
Mary: Well, I think the other thing that occurs to me, and I'm guessing there's not anything I can ask you that you haven't been asked before.
15:03
Laura: So sometimes I think we've got anything and everything because you've been asked it all, good and bad, like seriously.
15:12
Mary: Well, I love that because there were comments along the way, you know, with these students that I worked with, that, you know, would it be better that they never had sight so they didn't know what they were missing?
15:24
Mary: Right.
15:24
Mary: Or is it better to know what you're missing?
15:27
Mary: Because then when you are somewhere, you know, you know what the color red is, or you know, those things.
15:34
Mary: How does what are your thoughts on that?
15:39
Laura: I'm taking a big breath because I don't have an answer.
15:43
Laura: There is a the gift of never having sight is you don't have the level of grieving what you lived.
15:53
Laura: The gift of being in my situation is that I had full sight for so long, I know what things look like.
16:03
Laura: And even to this day, I know, I mean, my my parents will still say, and even my husband, if he can remember, you know, oh, you remember where Walmart used to be?
16:16
Laura: Oh yeah, that's now blah blah store.
16:20
Laura: And so that gives me a reference.
16:22
Laura: So, you know, like for my husband, he can say, Do you remember in high school when the hangout used to be, you know, ABC Pizza Place, that's now a car wash, you know, like those references are they are so perfect for me because it gives me that I can tap back into that visual map.
16:45
Laura: Yeah.
16:45
Laura: But the level of grief I cannot put into words and the pain of that grief I I truly I cannot say how difficult living with that grief is, and knowing how easy it used to be when I had psych.
17:05
Mary: Yeah.
17:05
Mary: So that's a perfect segue back to anger.
17:08
Mary: So were I mean, I can't imagine there weren't days that you were just furious.
17:15
Mary: And what did you get a message about you're just supposed to handle this, you shouldn't be mad?
17:21
Mary: Like, what was all that part like?
17:24
Laura: So this is where context comes in.
17:26
Laura: So remember, I was raised in the deep south in the late 90s.
17:33
Laura: You're happy, you're positive, you're smiling all the time.
17:36
Laura: That was the expectation.
17:39
Laura: That was like the unspoken expectation, right?
17:42
Laura: So I wasn't supposed to grieve, I was supposed to say, God is good, this is all a blessing.
17:49
Laura: Wow.
17:50
Laura: And not feel those, or no, no, let me say, not show those emotions, not show my anger, show my sadness, show the anxiety.
18:02
Laura: So literally to this day, and I've had these conversations.
18:05
Laura: If you go back and ask my teachers, parents, you know, my friends' parents, they would say, Laura, you were depressed.
18:13
Laura: You were anxious, you looked happy, you were smiling, you were positive.
18:19
Laura: Like we never saw that.
18:22
Laura: I did a great job of keeping on the mask, and then once I got home, then I allowed myself to express those emotions, the anger, the sadness, the anxiety.
18:33
Laura: So it was it was both.
18:35
Laura: I suppressed it, and what I mean by both is I did a really good job of keeping that mask on in public and then just bawling my eyes out once I got home.
18:45
Mary: Oh, yeah.
18:46
Mary: Yeah.
18:47
Mary: And I'm guessing there were times where you just wanted to just sit and not move forward and not try to handle it.
18:54
Laura: 1000%.
18:55
Laura: Yeah.
18:57
Mary: Wow.
18:58
Mary: All right.
18:59
Mary: So you talk about grit, which I'm not sure people really know what grit is, but there's different research on grit.
19:06
Mary: And a lot of it says that you can certainly um nurture it, but you're born sort of with grit or without.
19:16
Mary: And it seems to me like you were born with a pretty good dose of grit to dig in and just get the I'm not gonna square, get the F through stuff, right?
19:27
Mary: Right.
19:28
Mary: How did that serve you?
19:30
Mary: Talk about that as how how did you draw from that?
19:34
Laura: So, yes, and I want to explain my definition of grit because that again, that all plays into my life experience.
19:42
Laura: What I originally thought grit was was just grin and bear it, suck it up.
19:47
Laura: What kind of what I described, put on a mask, don't show the emotions, get over it, be positive, right?
19:54
Laura: That didn't work for me.
19:57
Laura: That made me more depressed, that made me More anxious, I had more panic attacks.
20:02
Laura: That didn't help me move forward in the healing at all.
20:08
Laura: What I realized grit was was feeling those emotions and then still choosing to move forward.
20:18
Laura: Yes.
20:19
Laura: So a very practical example of what that looked like in those high school days was saying, Yes, I'm in algebra and having a panic attack.
20:27
Laura: I will focus on my breathing and I will choose to just try to get through algebra.
20:33
Laura: Like I'll make that conscious choice rather than just melting in my chair and just giving up and saying no more.
20:41
Laura: So that's how I've and that's how I continue to find grit of it feeling, validating my feelings, and then still choosing to move forward.
20:52
Laura: Yeah.
20:55
Mary: And you know, the other thing it sounds like really you try to access a lot is gratitude.
21:01
Mary: So it's interesting.
21:02
Mary: So I want to talk more about that because you're able to honestly say, you know, I'm gonna paraphrase things suck sometimes, right?
21:10
Mary: This grieving is deep and intense, and you have it's not like you're done with it, you know something else will come up.
21:17
Mary: So tell how does gratitude help or factor into that?
21:22
Laura: So the way that I define gratitude is gratitude is what helps us navigate through the difficulty, recognizing and being thankful for our support through for me, through the grief, not being grateful for anything, everything, all the time.
21:40
Laura: And just like the the conversation about grief, it all started.
21:47
Laura: My the gratitude, the perspective on gratitude all started with a conversation from a mentor.
21:53
Laura: So when at the towards the end of high school, I had a mentor that said, Hey Laura, I want you to start having a mindset of gratitude.
22:00
Laura: And I looked at her like, Are you serious, lady?
22:03
Laura: FII, I'm going blind, so I'm anxious, I'm depressed.
22:09
Laura: Absolutely not.
22:11
Laura: So she said, Okay, just every night start thinking of three things that you're grateful for from that day.
22:19
Laura: What teacher were you thankful for?
22:21
Laura: What situations happened that you were grateful for to get through your day?
22:26
Laura: And I still thought, well, she's kind of weird, like right.
22:30
Laura: Like, I my goal, and this shows you how stubborn I am.
22:33
Laura: I was going to hand her a piece of paper that was blank, right?
22:36
Laura: And be like, here's what I'm grateful for.
22:38
Laura: Like, nothing's on the paper.
22:40
Laura: So the one day became three days, the three days became a week.
22:46
Laura: A week became a mind.
22:49
Laura: And I slowly realized, oh, she's not teaching me to be thankful for the blindness, she's teaching me to be thankful for what helps me navigate through the blindness.
23:05
Laura: So, again, a literal example in those high school days, she wasn't teaching me to wake up and say, gosh, this blindness thing is great.
23:13
Laura: We should all try it, right?
23:14
Laura: Like I recommend this for everybody.
23:16
Laura: Rather, she was teaching me to wake up and say, I'm grateful that today I have parents that are teaching me to live in the moment rather than being overwhelmed by the future.
23:26
Laura: Wow, yes.
23:28
Speaker 1: Yeah.
23:29
Laura: So that's what I mean by gratitude.
23:32
Laura: So I want to make it very, very clear.
23:35
Laura: I don't want anyone to hear I'm saying, be thankful for the adversity, for the trauma, for the loss, for the difficulty, or even to be grateful every day, all day.
23:45
Laura: Right?
23:45
Laura: Like, even now, 30 years later, it's as you said, like healing is a process, it's not a destination.
23:52
Laura: Just a few weeks ago, I my husband and I were like, What's our graduate day?
23:56
Laura: And I took a big deep breath.
23:57
Laura: We were sitting in chick flight.
23:59
Laura: I was like, Thank God this day is over.
24:02
Laura: And and that's the reality of life, right?
24:07
Laura: Like, there's I so I don't want to paint the picture that there becomes this like kumbaya experience of oh, we're grateful for everything all day, right?
24:19
Laura: There's still some of those days where just like I am so grateful.
24:23
Laura: This day is over.
24:24
Laura: Yeah, like it is done, and tomorrow's a new day.
24:29
Laura: So, so to me, that's a very long answer to say to me, gratitude is an empowerment resource.
24:36
Laura: Yes, it helps me reframe my mindset to navigate through the loss.
24:45
Mary: Well, I think we when we use the word gratitude, it sounds trite, and you are really doing a great job of sort of that idea of reframe, which is one of my favorite words.
24:56
Mary: It's really deciding what are you going to focus on?
24:58
Mary: Because it's some stuff, it's just not gonna change, right?
25:02
Mary: So grieving it, you know, there's an and in there.
25:05
Mary: You can grieve it and focus on the things that are blessings or are going well.
25:12
Laura: Yeah, a hundred percent.
25:13
Laura: All right, and that that reframe is the greatest healing resource I've had.
25:18
Laura: Yeah.
25:20
Laura: Yeah.
25:21
Laura: Because, like you said, there's some things you can't change.
25:24
Laura: I can't change the fact that I'll go blind.
25:30
Mary: Well, I think one of the things that I am just what word do I want to use?
25:35
Mary: I mean, I think it's so humbling for me because I think the things that people are most um intimidated by, one of them is public speaking.
25:45
Mary: Um, and it that is something you do.
25:48
Mary: You come onto podcasts, things that people um just, you know, to stand in front of people on a stage and talk to them is is that is the highest actually phobic response of anything that's measured.
26:02
Mary: But so you could have said, okay, so this is this happened to me.
26:07
Mary: I'm going to play it safe.
26:08
Mary: And one of my themes on my show often is staying small.
26:12
Mary: You could have made the choice to live a smaller life that would be a safer life, but you didn't do that.
26:18
Laura: And that's only because of one reason the support that I received in the worst of the trauma, and and still, even to this day, like because I received that support, I wanted to go and be that support in the world.
26:36
Laura: I did not want to say exactly what you were saying.
26:39
Laura: I did not just want to say, okay, I received all this great support that empowered me.
26:43
Laura: Now let me just play it small the rest of my life.
26:45
Laura: I was so passionate about saying, okay, what can I now go and do with my life that can be that support to others as they navigate through change?
26:57
unknown: Yeah.
26:58
Laura: So that was the passion.
27:00
Laura: That was a reason that made the speaking a little less scary, right?
27:04
Laura: Because it was the drive.
27:06
Laura: The drive behind the speaking is the passion to empower others so they don't play as mall.
27:15
Mary: Yeah.
27:15
Mary: And that is another reason I think it's you're a perfect guest for me to talk to.
27:21
Mary: Because, you know, what I really try to do with my episodes and my guests is to show people what's possible.
27:28
Mary: We can, we can really get stuck on the things that we wish were true.
27:34
Mary: And you're really a just a beautiful example of saying there are limits, you know, to some of the things in my life, but we all have those limits.
27:44
Mary: What can I, how can I push the boundary?
27:47
Mary: How can I move past my comfort zone?
27:50
Mary: So if you could distill down, like if you sort of had Laura's proverbs of life, what are some things that you might say to other people who are going through whatever kind of change that just brings those emotions of wanting to stay stuck and feeling angry and feeling grief?
28:10
Laura: Validate your feelings and then choose to take one more step forward.
28:16
Laura: And the reason I say that is because the word you just used, feel that anger and say stuck there.
28:23
Laura: What we want to do is feel that anger because it's 100% valid.
28:28
Laura: We want to move forward, even when we're still feeling angry.
28:33
Laura: And that's what I've learned for me has been the key of courage and of resiliency is acknowledging I am incredibly anxious right now, and I'll send that email, and I'll move forward, you know, whatever that next task is.
28:54
Laura: So again, it's not to minimize to cover up, it's rather to acknowledge that feeling and then still choose to move forward.
29:05
Laura: So it's what you said, we're not stuck in that possibility that we just think that's all that's there.
29:13
Mary: Uh-huh.
29:14
Mary: Well, it also sounds like you had some key moments with people, people that were able to say some things that you at maybe at first you weren't receptive, but you didn't tell, you know, you had this um, like to be able to say, I was gonna give her a blank piece of paper through the gratitude.
29:31
Mary: But there was a part of you that I think had to be open to some of the help, which I think is that's that's another hard thing, right?
29:38
Mary: To say I need this, or to accept or to allow someone to make a suggestion that in in some terms could be like, Do you have any idea what my life is like?
29:48
Mary: Like that's an insult.
29:49
Mary: You could have said that you felt that, but in my head, I said that.
29:53
Mary: But you opened your heart a little bit, and that seems to be another key is to to look where the help can come from.
30:01
Laura: Yes, and that was a major part of just this healing process, learning to develop resiliency is receiving help is not a weakness.
30:14
Laura: So, again, I thought for a long time that made me weak, that made me less strong, that made me less independent.
30:24
Laura: And honestly, it came out of pure survival.
30:29
Laura: Because when I didn't ask for help, I I literally couldn't move forward, like I might as well give up in life, right?
30:36
Laura: Like there was that point where asking for help, there was no option.
30:41
Laura: Like, I would I of course I asked for help fighting, right?
30:45
Laura: Fighting in my head, like fighting myself, like resisting.
30:48
Laura: But the gift is it's a sign of strength to know our needs and to ask for what we need.
30:57
Laura: Yeah, yeah, that was beautifully said, and and again, I would love to share a story on how I got to that point.
31:09
Laura: Because again, I don't want to paint the picture that all this just magically happened.
31:13
Laura: I just woke up one day, okay, life now today.
31:16
Laura: I'm gonna receive support.
31:17
Laura: You know, it was never a magical moment, it was a series of moments.
31:22
Laura: So after college, when I had those four years of undergrad, just becoming comfortable and my slowly becoming comfortable with my own skin again, rebuilding that confidence.
31:36
Laura: I went to Princeton to get my Master of Divinity degree.
31:40
Laura: And after I was accepted, they called me and they said, you know, obviously you've been accepted, you've received our acceptance letter.
31:48
Laura: We just want to let you know you'll be the first blind person to go through this master's program.
31:54
Laura: So we don't know what really to do with you.
31:57
Laura: Like we're not equipped, we don't know what to do.
32:02
Laura: I say that to say that forced me to say, okay, here are my needs.
32:09
Laura: And and they, and this is the the gratitude part.
32:13
Laura: That I'm so thankful they're willing to say, you communicate your needs, we'll meet them.
32:18
unknown: Yeah.
32:19
Laura: So I only share that story to say that forced me to learn my needs and confidently communicate my needs.
32:27
Laura: Not in a demanding, like condescending way.
32:31
Laura: Give me this or else, right?
32:34
Laura: But just in a, hey, these are my needs, and this is why I need this, and so this is why I need to provide for me.
32:40
Laura: And that was deeply empowering to know that I could do that.
32:47
Mary: Well, I'm sure there are so many times when you're not given some of the things that you need 1000% the majority.
32:57
Mary: So, for this, the institution to say that up front, I mean, that I had that situation where I worked too, that the student we were working with had to do a lot of education for us to say, this isn't working, here's what's happening in this classroom.
33:13
Mary: You tried to do this, that's not helpful.
33:16
Mary: And so, yeah, what a great tool to be empowered.
33:20
Mary: Because when you have a situation where somebody either is totally ignorant or clueless or doesn't care, then that's a strength I'm sure you can draw on.
33:30
Laura: Yes, uh, 1000%.
33:31
Laura: And then that happens every day.
33:34
Laura: So again, I don't want to paint this picture that everyone's reaction was their reaction, because absolutely not.
33:39
Laura: It just that experience gave me the tools to build that muscle of how to state my needs and then kind of sit back and wait, right?
33:51
Laura: Yeah, because I can't control their response, but I can control how I communicate those needs.
33:58
Mary: And that's something we all need to be able to do.
34:00
Mary: It doesn't need to take sort of a crisis, a health crisis, or you know, a big life-changing event.
34:06
Mary: That is a great lesson for everyone that we all can advocate.
34:10
Mary: We can all self-advocate.
34:12
Mary: It doesn't make us the B-word, it doesn't mean we're we're difficult.
34:16
Mary: Um, it's that is just a life skill that is important.
34:21
Laura: And it doesn't mean we're demanding because I thought asking for what I need meant I was demanding.
34:27
Laura: Yeah.
34:28
Laura: It's simply just being human, right?
34:31
Laura: Just requesting what we need.
34:34
Laura: Exactly.
34:36
Mary: Well, and the other thing that I think you have, Laura, that you you didn't really mention your sense of humor.
34:42
Mary: Like you have a sense of humor so that when you it sounds like you were in certain situations, you have that sort of ability to look back and you know, like make a little fun of your reaction and and use that at times.
34:56
Laura: Yes.
34:57
Laura: So that definitely did not come in those high school college days because I was one, I was so deep in the grief.
35:07
Laura: To me, it felt like if you use humor, you're you're not validating my experience, like you're minimizing my pain.
35:14
Laura: You're saying my pain is not valid.
35:16
Laura: It was only through the college experience where I was around other people with guide dogs, other people with blindness.
35:25
Laura: I mean, obviously, if they had guide dogs, I didn't even say that, but other people with disabilities, and they could laugh.
35:32
Laura: And I'm like, that is so weird.
35:35
Laura: Like, why are you doing that?
35:37
Laura: Like, that's not healthy.
35:38
Laura: That's not why are you laughing?
35:41
Laura: And then I just I honestly learned through their experience that actually they have more joy than I did.
35:49
Laura: Like, they're more at peace, is the word I'd use, and not peace like this is okay, peace just like I am who I am.
35:58
Laura: Yeah, except they just had way more grounding, way more confidence than I did.
36:05
Laura: And so when I looked at how they lived, I was like, what are they doing different?
36:09
Laura: And that's when I realized, oh, they're just using humor in a fun, joyful way, not in like a put yourself or others down way, just like we've done this conversation.
36:23
Laura: I didn't even realize that until you pointed out just that natural everyday humor that's deeply healing.
36:30
Laura: So once I started to integrate that into my life, it was a game changer for my mindset.
36:36
Laura: It wasn't, I didn't see it as it means the pain is less valid.
36:41
Laura: I saw it as just a healing tool.
36:44
Laura: Yeah.
36:44
Laura: Yeah, to find joy in your life too.
36:47
Laura: Yeah.
36:48
Laura: Yeah.
36:48
Laura: Right.
36:48
Laura: So thank you.
36:49
Laura: Thank you for pointing that out.
36:51
Laura: Because I seriously, I didn't realize that we've done it in this conversation.
36:54
Laura: And we have, because it's just it's part of the mindset.
37:00
Mary: Yeah.
37:01
Mary: Well, I just think you have the most amazing story.
37:06
Mary: I am so happy, humbled, etc., that you agree to come talk to me.
37:12
Mary: So before we end, share a little bit about where people can find you, what you offer.
37:17
Mary: I will link, of course, all of that in the show notes, but talk a little about what you bring into the world and what you can offer.
37:24
Laura: So, what I do through speaking to companies, organizations, associations, and then also one-on-one coaching work with people, it's all about when we experience change, when we experience loss, how do we move forward?
37:41
Laura: And I do that through the work specifically of grit and of gratitude.
37:47
Laura: So when I speak, I'm talking to corporations specifically focused on how when we experience this change, how do we move forward?
37:55
Laura: And so I use stories from my own life, but then tailor that to their specific change to tell them and empower them with how they can use grit and how they can use gratitude to move forward.
38:10
Laura: So I do that on a group level and then also on an individual level.
38:13
Laura: And then my book, Harness and Courage, does that exact same resource.
38:18
Laura: It's a resource to empower people that they can pick up and read when they're navigating through change.
38:24
Laura: And all that can be found on my website.
38:27
Laura: So LauraBratton.com has everything about the speaking, the coaching, the book.
38:31
Laura: It's all there.
38:33
Mary: All right.
38:33
Mary: I will link that.
38:34
Mary: And I love all of that.
38:35
Mary: And I want to thank you sincerely for being here today and sharing your story.
38:39
Mary: Absolutely.
38:40
Laura: And thank you for your amazing deep insights that recognized all that.
38:45
Laura: Because I can honestly say very, very, very few people recognize the ongoing grief.
38:54
Laura: Most of the reaction is, well, why isn't your grief over?
38:58
unknown: Yeah.
38:58
Laura: Like, well, but when I experience new situations in life, that brings the grief back up.
39:05
Laura: So thank you for the gift of you creating this conversation that brought all that up and noticing the humor.
39:12
Laura: So a hundred percent credit to you for creating the container for this conversation.
39:18
Mary: Oh, well, it was truly my pleasure.
39:20
Mary: And I want to also thank everyone for listening.
39:23
Mary: As I enter the second season of my podcast, I want to offer sincere gratitude.
39:28
Mary: Is that not appropriate, Laura, for today?
39:30
Mary: For those of you who took the time to leave a review, send your thoughts in an email, or support my show.
39:35
Mary: It means the world to me and it makes a huge difference in the life of a little indie podcaster like me.
39:41
Mary: So until next time, go out into the world and be the amazing, resilient, vibrant violet that you are.