Latest / The You Project / #2189 A Conversation About Happiness - Harps & Tiff

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#2189 A Conversation About Happiness - Harps & Tiff · The You Project

0:00
Speaker 1: I get a team. It's Harps and Tiff, it's the
0:03
Speaker 1: you know what it is. I don't need to sail
0:04
Speaker 1: that shit anymore. Fuck it eight years down the track.
0:08
Speaker 1: I'm I'm just going to stop doing that. It's bullshitty anyway,
0:12
Speaker 1: isn't it, Tiff?
0:13
Speaker 2: Yeah? Who needs to know that? They know where they are?
0:15
Speaker 1: Yeah, they know where they know who you are, they
0:17
Speaker 1: know who I am. How are you?
0:21
Speaker 2: I'm very good. Thanks, I'm very I was just telling
0:23
Speaker 2: you I got to spend a bonus little day with
0:26
Speaker 2: my dad yesterday as he was flying back from Queensland
0:30
Speaker 2: to Tazzy and that was lovely because the sun came out.
0:34
Speaker 1: Oh it would make like if you had to tell me,
0:39
Speaker 1: don't overthink this, but just in the moment, give me
0:42
Speaker 1: two or three or four things that in the moment
0:45
Speaker 1: make you happy, like just top your head.
0:49
Speaker 2: Go sunshine one hundred percent.
0:52
Speaker 1: Yep.
0:53
Speaker 2: Doggies yeah one.
0:57
Speaker 1: So doggies and sunshine combined.
1:00
Speaker 2: Oh separately, either sunshine dogs and happy people.
1:06
Speaker 1: Yeah? Yeah, I just want to I just want to
1:09
Speaker 1: point out, Scott, you didn't get a mention. But that's
1:12
Speaker 1: all right, mate.
1:13
Speaker 2: Keeping a metaphorical puppy and the sunshine of my life.
1:19
Speaker 2: And also he is said happy people, Well fucking basically
1:25
Speaker 2: just said Scott, Scott, and Scott you're welcome.
1:27
Speaker 1: Yes you did? You did? I do you know what? Well,
1:30
Speaker 1: we're going to talk about happiness today, as everyone knows
1:33
Speaker 1: because it's in the title. But like, you are a
1:37
Speaker 1: much happier It's so funny that the person who didn't
1:40
Speaker 1: really want a kind of a romantic connection now has
1:44
Speaker 1: the thing. Not that you didn't want it, you weren't
1:46
Speaker 1: chasing it. Is that a more accurate yeah kind of yeah?
1:50
Speaker 1: And then you were you definitely weren't chasing it or
1:53
Speaker 1: looking for it, and now you've got it. It's like
1:58
Speaker 1: it's there's been a meta a physical, mental, emotional, social
2:03
Speaker 1: metamorphosis in you, and I fucking love it. But also
2:08
Speaker 1: so then we're talking about happiness today, right, So then
2:11
Speaker 1: I go, well, does that equal happiness? And I would
2:15
Speaker 1: say no, Scott, equals happiness for you, because you could
2:21
Speaker 1: have had it or started a relationship with ten other
2:23
Speaker 1: people and you wouldn't be having the happiness experience. And yes,
2:27
Speaker 1: there are peaks and troughs and ebbs and flows, and
2:30
Speaker 1: I wouldn't think it's a one hundred percent of the
2:32
Speaker 1: time fourteen hundred and forty minutes a day permanent state.
2:36
Speaker 1: But there's definitely a correlation with a lot of people,
2:41
Speaker 1: and maybe not just with you know, a romantic partner,
2:46
Speaker 1: but just a human in their life that's fucking great,
2:49
Speaker 1: someone that's like, like, I think you and I we
2:52
Speaker 1: have similar values apart from hopefully they're a really great person,
2:58
Speaker 1: hopefully for you. In this case, there's some kind of
3:02
Speaker 1: physical you know, attraction, et cetera, all that stuff with
3:06
Speaker 1: the shaggability you reckon shagability. That could be the name
3:10
Speaker 1: of the show. What's the level of shaggability on planet you?
3:16
Speaker 1: The Shagability scale? We could create that the yeah, Harper
3:21
Speaker 1: or no, we'll go cook Comma Harper at L the
3:24
Speaker 1: Shagabilities Scale twenty twenty six out of Monash University. We'll
3:29
Speaker 1: get it. What do we get it? We'll get it
3:33
Speaker 1: kind of approved, we'll get it peer reviewed. Oh my god,
3:39
Speaker 1: come on, harps be an academic. I will say, anybody.
3:42
Speaker 2: Out of all of the peer reviewing, I reckon, we'd
3:44
Speaker 2: have a few hands up for people participating. Probably be
3:47
Speaker 2: easier than getting all the people on board to participate
3:50
Speaker 2: in your research.
3:51
Speaker 1: Well, definitely, but I don't think you understand the process.
3:55
Speaker 1: So we've got to develop the scale, finish the scale,
3:57
Speaker 1: test the scale, and then we send it out to
4:01
Speaker 1: PhDs who peer a view the way that we developed
4:04
Speaker 1: it and the science behind it, and then they go, yes,
4:07
Speaker 1: this is credible as an assessment tool for shaggability. So
4:12
Speaker 1: that's where it gets. Hey, everyone, if you thought we
4:15
Speaker 1: couldn't get any more boring, you were wrong. You were wrong.
4:20
Speaker 1: Look at us. Fuck, Okay, can.
4:22
Speaker 2: We just make shagability a boring topic because that has
4:25
Speaker 2: got to take talent.
4:27
Speaker 1: Well, you've drawn a correlation between shaggability or maybe desire
4:32
Speaker 1: to shag is a better Like, what's the desirability to
4:36
Speaker 1: shag of your partner for you? And now that's we're
4:40
Speaker 1: talking about the micro, not the macro. What's the desirability
4:43
Speaker 1: to shag of Scott for the community? Now that would
4:47
Speaker 1: be we'd have to get a lot of people involved
4:49
Speaker 1: in that and past girlfriends. We don't want that. I
4:53
Speaker 1: don't know that we could create any kind of standard
4:58
Speaker 1: and what's our foundation kind of science that we're building
5:01
Speaker 1: off there? But it would indeed be unique. I'm sure
5:07
Speaker 1: there's some kind of attractive there. Yeah, there are attractiveness
5:10
Speaker 1: scales and all that. But anyway, so I think I think, well,
5:15
Speaker 1: obviously part of happiness is deep human connection. I don't
5:20
Speaker 1: think that's a revelation, you know, and the shaggability stuff.
5:23
Speaker 1: Of course that matters, I guess, but I think for
5:26
Speaker 1: a lot of people that matters for a time and
5:28
Speaker 1: then it probably you know, I don't think Ron and
5:31
Speaker 1: Mary are thinking about that. That's disgusting. But I don't
5:34
Speaker 1: think Mum and Dad are thinking about that too much.
5:36
Speaker 2: What all sons like to think?
5:38
Speaker 1: But you never know, oh please please don't. But you know,
5:44
Speaker 1: it's like Mum makes Dad happy. Dad makes Mum happy,
5:49
Speaker 1: but almost to the point where you know, they're both
5:52
Speaker 1: little addicts addicted to you know, when Mum walks out
5:55
Speaker 1: of the room, Dad looks like a fucking meerkat that's
5:58
Speaker 1: just lost his you know, long lost bestie or something.
6:02
Speaker 1: And then when Mum comes back in the room, it's
6:04
Speaker 1: like relief. I'm like, bro, it's okay, she just went
6:08
Speaker 1: to get a bowl of soup. It's all good. She'll
6:09
Speaker 1: be back in a minute. So but anyway, bless their
6:13
Speaker 1: little socks. Yes, they have moved momentarily. We'll get on
6:17
Speaker 1: topic in a moment, but they have moved momentarily out
6:21
Speaker 1: of respite or care back to their little independent unit,
6:26
Speaker 1: which is about sixty meters away from the aforementioned care facility,
6:32
Speaker 1: which is part of the whole place that they're in.
6:36
Speaker 1: And while on a range of levels, it is not
6:39
Speaker 1: where they should be from a functional, independent living operational
6:44
Speaker 1: point of view. But what's hilarious is they're both so
6:47
Speaker 1: happy there. They're both so happy that it's just them
6:51
Speaker 1: to in a place without care as a nurses. And
6:54
Speaker 1: I'm like, it's the care as a nurse's I want,
6:57
Speaker 1: it's the top does I want? And so I reluctantly
7:01
Speaker 1: and it isn't about me, but it's a little bit
7:03
Speaker 1: about me because I'm kind of kind of overseeing their
7:08
Speaker 1: care as best I can for a very fucking inept son.
7:12
Speaker 1: But I went up there, Yesterdon and I spent the
7:16
Speaker 1: day with them and took Ron and Mary out some food,
7:20
Speaker 1: which I'll tell you about that was fucking undertaking. But anyway,
7:24
Speaker 1: oh God, trying to get Ron from his special chair
7:28
Speaker 1: that he's pasted into into the car, that's that's a
7:34
Speaker 1: it's like a double Marathon into the car, and then
7:40
Speaker 1: Mary in the back seat holding the frame, and you know,
7:44
Speaker 1: Ron's walker and or at least accompanying that and then
7:49
Speaker 1: getting wrong there. Anyway, Nonetheless, it is all kinds of
7:54
Speaker 1: dysfunction and all kinds of inadequate from a clinical and
7:58
Speaker 1: a medical point of view, trying to get Ron to
8:02
Speaker 1: take his medication at the right time. I had to
8:05
Speaker 1: give him his insulin yesterday. And while I'm very theoretically
8:11
Speaker 1: all over you know, blood sugar and insulin and diabetes,
8:14
Speaker 1: and I've never injected myself with insulin. I've never injected
8:18
Speaker 1: anyone else with insulin, so I'm trying to figure that out.
8:22
Speaker 1: So that was you know, I had to stab Paul
8:24
Speaker 1: Ron's bloody index finger about thirteen times to get a
8:27
Speaker 1: nample amount of blood. I was just going to punch
8:29
Speaker 1: him in the nose eventually, Okay, well that'll work, but
8:38
Speaker 1: I didn't do that. We got the blood, we got
8:41
Speaker 1: the reading, we got the blood pressure. Oh my god. Anyway,
8:45
Speaker 1: so that was great. But my long winded point is
8:48
Speaker 1: if they're in proximity of each other, they are way happier,
8:52
Speaker 1: irrespective of all the other variables. Like I was looking
8:56
Speaker 1: at dad in his room when nurses are coming in
8:58
Speaker 1: and outs are coming in and out, and here's food
9:01
Speaker 1: and here's more food, and Ron take these pills, and
9:05
Speaker 1: Ron do this, and Ron, would you like a coffee?
9:07
Speaker 1: And Ron, would you like a newspaper? And you know
9:10
Speaker 1: we're gonna there's a music thing on down in the
9:13
Speaker 1: hall in about forty five minutes, would you like to come?
9:16
Speaker 1: And like it's so good? But then on another level,
9:21
Speaker 1: it's probably a shit for them because Ron doesn't like
9:25
Speaker 1: sleeping alone. Mary doesn't like sleeping alone. You know, they're separated.
9:30
Speaker 1: So it's been apart from all the clinical and medical
9:34
Speaker 1: and practical and financial and government's kind of stuff, I've
9:40
Speaker 1: had to do a rapid education in. But just sitting
9:44
Speaker 1: back there as an observer of behavior and humans and emotions,
9:49
Speaker 1: you're like, yeah, you think you know, like I think
9:51
Speaker 1: I know, And in some ways I do, But then
9:54
Speaker 1: in other ways I was looking at him yesterday. The
9:58
Speaker 1: shitfest that is them too, trying to living independently. It's
10:02
Speaker 1: like fucking romper room. It's like reminds me of people
10:05
Speaker 1: driving around in bumper cars where they're just bumping into
10:09
Speaker 1: each other and it's chaos. But they're kind of moving
10:12
Speaker 1: in the direction it's like social that it's like social
10:15
Speaker 1: bumper cars anyway. Uh, but it's such a visual they're happy.
10:23
Speaker 2: It's so interesting. Yeah, like hearing that and thinking about
10:29
Speaker 2: the same with kind of navigating picking Da up yesterday
10:32
Speaker 2: from the airport. Has had a whole day between the
10:35
Speaker 2: flights to hang about and my like thinking of my
10:40
Speaker 2: levels of patience and how and presence and how we
10:44
Speaker 2: move through the world, and because you want to do
10:47
Speaker 2: it conversation on happiness. And I was like, in order
10:50
Speaker 2: to drop him at the airport, now I have to
10:53
Speaker 2: go have to go and park and take him to
10:56
Speaker 2: the gate, check him in, show him how he had
10:58
Speaker 2: a digital ticket this time, to keep checking that he
11:01
Speaker 2: knew where to access on his phone where he aboul
11:03
Speaker 2: to access that picture that image. When he needed to
11:06
Speaker 2: check in at the gate, I needed to go in
11:10
Speaker 2: through security with him and to take him to the gate.
11:14
Speaker 2: And usually like old Tiff is like I'll drop you
11:19
Speaker 2: off and I'll head off and I'll go do this
11:21
Speaker 2: and that, you know, like I'm scramming everything into my time,
11:25
Speaker 2: and there's sometimes there's that friction point of being frustrated
11:30
Speaker 2: that I have to, but it's like, well, you'll get
11:33
Speaker 2: one whole day with your dad, and maybe thirty or
11:37
Speaker 2: forty percent of that day is just navigating, getting the
11:41
Speaker 2: boring stuff done with a great attitude and having a
11:45
Speaker 2: great time doing it.
11:47
Speaker 1: Yeah. Yeah, And also there'll be a time where as
11:51
Speaker 1: much as your dad is a little bit on the
11:53
Speaker 1: slide cognitively and practically, it's still way better than Ron
11:58
Speaker 1: and Mary. He's fucking Albert Einstein in terms of cognitive function.
12:02
Speaker 1: Bless love Mom and Dad. Right, but there'll be a
12:06
Speaker 1: time when he's not as good as he is now
12:08
Speaker 1: and then worse and worse and worse. Right, And it's
12:11
Speaker 1: sometimes like yesterday, I left early and I got home late,
12:17
Speaker 1: and it's you know, nearly five hours of driving and
12:20
Speaker 1: all that stuff, which is cool. I make the most
12:23
Speaker 1: of that time in the car and I usually do
12:25
Speaker 1: some form of work or dictation or chatters, and I
12:28
Speaker 1: have a fucking deep and meaningful conversation, which I love
12:34
Speaker 1: because it's all recorded in there and I can cut
12:37
Speaker 1: and pay stuff later. If one of us says something profound,
12:41
Speaker 1: it's usually chatters, but sometimes I can like I'm not
12:48
Speaker 1: going to not do it, but if I'm being honest.
12:52
Speaker 1: I don't have a bad attitude. I'm just like, be
12:56
Speaker 1: so much easier to not do this right, I'm being selfish.
13:00
Speaker 1: But then invariably when I go up I don't know why. Well,
13:04
Speaker 1: I think I do, because I just have this. I've
13:07
Speaker 1: had this almost profound opening of another door to a
13:16
Speaker 1: deeper level of compassion and empathy for my parents. This
13:22
Speaker 1: is just my personal, you know, experience, and and yesterday
13:28
Speaker 1: was a tricky day, and you know, there are practically
13:32
Speaker 1: it's not easy to do the things, but it's so
13:37
Speaker 1: on a way, in a way joyful and rewarding, and
13:43
Speaker 1: I feel so much. I don't know if happy is
13:47
Speaker 1: the word. We're going to explore what that even means,
13:49
Speaker 1: but yeah, I feel happier, more content, more calm when
13:58
Speaker 1: I'm driving home and I've done what I can do,
14:00
Speaker 1: and the day isn't about me. The day is not
14:03
Speaker 1: about me or my state or my happiness or I'm
14:07
Speaker 1: just going up there with the intention to be the
14:09
Speaker 1: best possible son that I can be and give them
14:13
Speaker 1: the best experience or have the most influence on them
14:16
Speaker 1: a positive way while I'm there. And you know, I
14:22
Speaker 1: took that out for lunch and Mum. I took her
14:25
Speaker 1: along as well, bless her. I want to celeb at home,
14:28
Speaker 1: but no, I took them both out for lunch. I went, Mary,
14:31
Speaker 1: sit in that chair. We'll be back in an hour.
14:34
Speaker 1: And yeah, it's like, you know, they didn't know where
14:40
Speaker 1: I was taking them, so I take them to this place.
14:43
Speaker 1: I won't say the name, but it's nice little cafe.
14:46
Speaker 1: Should I say it? Yeah? Fuck it. They did a
14:48
Speaker 1: good job. It's called Momos m m postrophe es Momos interrealgont.
14:54
Speaker 1: It's a little cafe, joint restaurant joints. It's not little, actually,
14:58
Speaker 1: it's quite big. And they were lovely stuff. And Dad's like, oh,
15:03
Speaker 1: I thought we were going to that other place. Now.
15:05
Speaker 1: We hadn't even discussed. He didn't know where. He didn't
15:07
Speaker 1: even know he was going out to lunch ten minutes ago, right,
15:11
Speaker 1: and then apparently I took him to the wrong place.
15:15
Speaker 1: I'm like, oh, this is the right place, Dad, No,
15:18
Speaker 1: you said we're going to go to the other place.
15:20
Speaker 1: I'm like, I didn't. I didn't say anything. There was
15:22
Speaker 1: no discussion. But you know, when in his mind he
15:25
Speaker 1: believes that, right then he a whole bunch of things.
15:30
Speaker 1: I don't want to share, but it's funny. Then he
15:33
Speaker 1: he ate lunch. Well, well this is shit. He's like,
15:37
Speaker 1: this is shit, by the way, my most it wasn't
15:41
Speaker 1: this is this is shit. This place is shit, Like,
15:46
Speaker 1: ah is it? And then I'm like, oh, and to
15:51
Speaker 1: get him out of the car and into the thing,
15:53
Speaker 1: and to double park and to fucking break the land
15:57
Speaker 1: speed record for a sixty two year old getting him
15:59
Speaker 1: in and out of the car. Tore my hamstrings, all
16:02
Speaker 1: nine of them, and get him in there, sit him down,
16:07
Speaker 1: and then you know, it was so it was funny.
16:12
Speaker 1: It was like if it wasn't serious, which it's not
16:16
Speaker 1: that serious, but it's funny. And I said, oh, what's
16:20
Speaker 1: the place that you thought we were going to? Well,
16:22
Speaker 1: of course he doesn't know. It's just the other place.
16:25
Speaker 1: I'm like, well, we'll go to the other place next time.
16:27
Speaker 1: He's like, all right, I don't know where the fuck
16:30
Speaker 1: the other place is, but yeah, it's a proper Italian
16:35
Speaker 1: restaurant the other place. And I'm like, well, I don't
16:37
Speaker 1: think this is meant to be an Italian restaurant, but yeah,
16:41
Speaker 1: just God bless him. And then no kind of awareness
16:45
Speaker 1: or and then but he's not trying to be He's
16:49
Speaker 1: the funny thing too, you know, like as people get
16:53
Speaker 1: to that kind of stage where you know, things are
16:57
Speaker 1: getting a bit fuzzy cognitively and emotionally, and he in
17:01
Speaker 1: his mind everything is saying is absolutely true, not trying
17:05
Speaker 1: to be difficult. And you know, sometimes I say to Mom,
17:10
Speaker 1: you know, like I don't want to say anything that
17:13
Speaker 1: people are going to repeat her. So if you ever,
17:16
Speaker 1: you know, please don't mention Mom. You know, But like
17:18
Speaker 1: Mum when they were coming out of respite and coming home,
17:23
Speaker 1: I said, Mum, do you want me to go do
17:25
Speaker 1: some shopping feud? Do you want me to do da?
17:28
Speaker 1: I'll just get some basics. Oh, no, I've been I've
17:30
Speaker 1: done it. Then I go over. I look in the fridge.
17:32
Speaker 1: It's empty. It's like she hasn't done it, but then
17:37
Speaker 1: in her mind she's done it. So then we need
17:39
Speaker 1: to figure out how to do it without hurting her
17:42
Speaker 1: feelings or going, what the fuck is wrong with you?
17:45
Speaker 1: There's nothing in the fridge but that, you know, For me,
17:49
Speaker 1: that just that I'm not trying to sound like some
17:53
Speaker 1: of the year everybody, but just where you go, oh
17:56
Speaker 1: how I feel or what I think or my it
18:01
Speaker 1: my happiness or my comfort or it's fucking irrelevant, And
18:07
Speaker 1: it's funny when I'm in that state and that space
18:10
Speaker 1: with them, it's probably about the least selfish I ever am,
18:16
Speaker 1: but it's it's like ironically painful and joyful, and I
18:22
Speaker 1: come away having had a complicated and messy but enjoyable experience,
18:28
Speaker 1: you know. So yeah, it is funny, like for me,
18:34
Speaker 1: like happiness is one of those words that we use
18:37
Speaker 1: all the time, but you think about, well, what is
18:45
Speaker 1: what is it? Because you might say I'm happy, but
18:50
Speaker 1: the state that you're in or the experience you're having
18:53
Speaker 1: is not the same state or experience that I would
18:57
Speaker 1: describe as happiness. When someone says like, are we talking
19:02
Speaker 1: about pleasure? Are we talking about satisfaction and we're talking
19:06
Speaker 1: about joy? Are we talking about peace or calm or
19:09
Speaker 1: relief or gratitude or I don't know, some sense that
19:13
Speaker 1: things are exactly as they should be. So for me,
19:18
Speaker 1: I think that happiness that just the it's an umbrella
19:22
Speaker 1: term that we use interchangeably and individually for a whole
19:28
Speaker 1: lot of states or feelings or emotions, And so I
19:34
Speaker 1: don't know, I don't know whether or not happiness is
19:38
Speaker 1: a good goal. I also don't know whether or not
19:41
Speaker 1: it's I don't think it's sustainable in that context of
19:47
Speaker 1: I'm in this elevated, joyful, happy, nirvana type state, and
19:53
Speaker 1: I think, well, what is it? How does it work?
19:57
Speaker 1: And then can we cultivated? And these are like complex
20:03
Speaker 1: things now.
20:05
Speaker 2: I think a lot of what we maybe associate with
20:09
Speaker 2: happiness that we are chasing is kind of reddle with excitement,
20:15
Speaker 2: you know, like it's we're excited, something's new, something's novelty,
20:19
Speaker 2: or novelty can never be sustained because that's the point
20:24
Speaker 2: of it's it's something that is not your day to
20:27
Speaker 2: day It's not it's not your usual state.
20:30
Speaker 1: Yes, yes, maybe, And also like perhaps happiness isn't a
20:36
Speaker 1: feeling like maybe like I can look at my life
20:42
Speaker 1: and feel quite content and grateful, realizing that I have
20:47
Speaker 1: it easy, that I am privileged, that I live in
20:50
Speaker 1: a great country. Are there problems in Australia, Yes, are
20:53
Speaker 1: their worst problems around the world? Yes? Do I personally
20:58
Speaker 1: have any real hardship? No, So I can have a sense,
21:02
Speaker 1: an over or an underlying sense I guess of gratitude
21:09
Speaker 1: and contentment in where I am in my life and
21:14
Speaker 1: what my life offers me. But also sadness, you know,
21:20
Speaker 1: momentary sadness, momentary anxiety, momentary you know, grief or fear,
21:28
Speaker 1: so that you think about the slippery slope of which
21:34
Speaker 1: is People don't say this outwardly so much, but I
21:36
Speaker 1: think it's what they think is when I get this,
21:39
Speaker 1: I'll be happy. When I do that, I'll be happy.
21:43
Speaker 1: It's almost like have you heard of that term, the
21:45
Speaker 1: hedonic treadmill?
21:46
Speaker 2: Yes, yep, yep.
21:48
Speaker 1: So hedonism is basically just the pursuit of pleasure. I
21:53
Speaker 1: want to feel good, I want pleasure, and then when
21:57
Speaker 1: I do this thing, I get pleasure. And then you
21:59
Speaker 1: do it again an event you do the same thing,
22:01
Speaker 1: you don't get pleasure. So now instead of you know
22:04
Speaker 1: this many milligrams of this drug, I need that many milograms.
22:08
Speaker 1: Or now instead of having sex with one person, I
22:10
Speaker 1: need to have sex with two people. Or now I
22:13
Speaker 1: need to whatever it is. And I know that sounds crazy,
22:15
Speaker 1: but that's true. I won't say I've experienced that, I've
22:19
Speaker 1: seen that. Well. I honestly, this is going to sound weird.
22:26
Speaker 1: I don't even know fuck it, I'm going to say
22:28
Speaker 1: it because I say everything. A friend of mine, a
22:31
Speaker 1: guy straight in one to eighty as in attracted to females,
22:37
Speaker 1: so heterosexual. He started having lots of sex when he
22:41
Speaker 1: was about sixteen seventeen because he's really handsome. And then
22:45
Speaker 1: in order to get the same response in inverted commas,
22:48
Speaker 1: it needed to get weirder and weirder and weirder or
22:52
Speaker 1: I don't know, that's my interpretation, that's a bad interpretation,
22:57
Speaker 1: but it needed to elevate. Yeah, regular sex didn't work.
23:03
Speaker 1: Then it'd have to be like fucking in a public place,
23:07
Speaker 1: like just around the corner. Then blah blah blah. Then
23:09
Speaker 1: it needed you know, and I won't go on, but eventually,
23:14
Speaker 1: eventually he started having sex with men, not because he
23:19
Speaker 1: was gay particularly well he wasn't, but women that like,
23:23
Speaker 1: he'd done everything that he could do and nothing pushed
23:26
Speaker 1: that button, so to speak. And so this is the
23:30
Speaker 1: hedonic treadmill where he would get you know, with I
23:35
Speaker 1: don't know if this is inappropriate talk about, but it's
23:37
Speaker 1: a hundred percent true because I watched him and over
23:40
Speaker 1: a period of years, because he was an addict by
23:44
Speaker 1: the way, you know, he was a sex addict. Then
23:46
Speaker 1: he would end up with men, and that was great
23:49
Speaker 1: for a little while, then it wasn't great, and then
23:52
Speaker 1: like he finally needed to go into eventually to go
23:56
Speaker 1: into rehab, you know. But it's like his his thing was,
24:00
Speaker 1: when I have that, then I'll be happy or I'll
24:01
Speaker 1: be this, And I think that happens with a lot
24:06
Speaker 1: of things and that, like you said, that need for
24:08
Speaker 1: novelty or that, it's almost like, oh, what I actually
24:12
Speaker 1: want is euphoria. What I actually want is a version
24:16
Speaker 1: of being high, you know, like sometimes happiness, I don't know.
24:24
Speaker 1: I think happiness is more for me analogous with contentment.
24:29
Speaker 1: Whereas I go, could my life be better? I don't know.
24:33
Speaker 1: I don't know, actually do I am I suffering personally? Well,
24:40
Speaker 1: not generally, not really. Are there ever moments of suffering
24:44
Speaker 1: or sadness or anxiety or pain? Well, of course, but
24:49
Speaker 1: I think as long as you're human, that's not going
24:52
Speaker 1: to vanish anytime soon. So, like I wonder, is happiness
24:58
Speaker 1: an emotion or an evaluation, Like perhaps it's not just
25:03
Speaker 1: a feeling. Maybe it's like the assessment or the experience
25:07
Speaker 1: of our life, Like I feel happy is different from
25:13
Speaker 1: I have a happy life, like one is momentary the
25:16
Speaker 1: other one is reflective, you know, and it's like a
25:20
Speaker 1: bigger awareness than this moment in time. When I look at,
25:24
Speaker 1: you know, for example, my relationship with you, we've had
25:27
Speaker 1: moments I would say, you know, very few where there
25:31
Speaker 1: was you know, there was a bit of discontent or
25:36
Speaker 1: you know, aggravation or nothing significant, but more like miscommunication
25:41
Speaker 1: and understanding. Where moments in time over the years. But
25:47
Speaker 1: we're talking about days you know, where it was not great.
25:51
Speaker 1: But then I would look at the totality of our
25:53
Speaker 1: friendship and relationship over the years, I would say it's
25:56
Speaker 1: overwhelmingly positive and healthy and positive. But have there been
26:02
Speaker 1: shit moments? Of course, you know, we're going to have
26:05
Speaker 1: shit moments with anything. So I don't know, I feel
26:10
Speaker 1: like I'll shut up after this. That like happiness is,
26:17
Speaker 1: it's kind of like fitness. This is weird, but it's
26:20
Speaker 1: not like there's one type. Like there's cardiovascular fitness, there's strength,
26:24
Speaker 1: there's flexibility, there's balance. So likewise, happiness might include joy
26:32
Speaker 1: and calm and fulfillment and love and meaning and curiosity
26:35
Speaker 1: and hope and connection. Maybe it's a combination of things.
26:41
Speaker 1: Maybe it's an intersection of things, of feelings and emotions
26:44
Speaker 1: and states, but also situation, circumstance environment.
26:50
Speaker 2: I feel like and I've was thinking about this a
26:53
Speaker 2: lot lately because I have, well, I guess, engaged in
26:58
Speaker 2: different things differently, very recently, and I think for me,
27:03
Speaker 2: it is my level of engagement in something that makes
27:09
Speaker 2: me want to be present and moves me forward. Yes,
27:15
Speaker 2: So like I, you know, last year I wanted to
27:19
Speaker 2: park a lot of things and focus on speaking and
27:22
Speaker 2: do that course and do some learning and move forward
27:25
Speaker 2: in that area. And then recently this year I shifted
27:29
Speaker 2: my focus back to programming and doing a lot more
27:33
Speaker 2: learning around strength training and developing particular product in that environment.
27:38
Speaker 2: And once I come up with the idea that I
27:40
Speaker 2: wanted to follow, I'm so engaged in and excited and
27:47
Speaker 2: I want to put a lot of energy into that.
27:49
Speaker 2: And I'm like, I still want to do this speaking,
27:51
Speaker 2: but I'm just going to carve out this tiny little
27:53
Speaker 2: period of time regularly and park that over there. Which
27:57
Speaker 2: is interesting to me because of the level of excite
28:00
Speaker 2: I had last year in this speaking and I thought, oh, well,
28:03
Speaker 2: this might take a lot of work and a lot
28:06
Speaker 2: of pushing in a particular direction to really launch this,
28:11
Speaker 2: to get it where I'd like it to be, and
28:14
Speaker 2: it was just interesting for me to go. You know,
28:16
Speaker 2: when I find something that I didn't expect to bring
28:19
Speaker 2: me the joy that it has this new idea of
28:22
Speaker 2: an old thing that I was doing, that I've done
28:23
Speaker 2: for years that I thought I wasn't that I didn't
28:26
Speaker 2: think I was that excited about doing better in that
28:30
Speaker 2: area or having more products in that area.
28:34
Speaker 1: Do you ever have this experience where you want to
28:36
Speaker 1: build or create or change something, or build a product
28:39
Speaker 1: or a program, or it could be something less commercial,
28:43
Speaker 1: like a personal thing. You know, it could be I
28:45
Speaker 1: want to bench press seventy kilos or whatever. But it's
28:48
Speaker 1: in the pursuit of that thing that you're excited and
28:52
Speaker 1: the building of that thing. I'm excited. I'm happy. I'm
28:57
Speaker 1: fucking riding this wave of euphoric mode and energy and intention.
29:03
Speaker 1: And then sometimes you do the thing, or get the
29:06
Speaker 1: thing or own the thing, and you're like, oh, I'm
29:09
Speaker 1: not as happy as when I was building it. Now
29:11
Speaker 1: I've got it. Because I think we think that a
29:15
Speaker 1: certain outcome or result if we think about it logically,
29:20
Speaker 1: we probably don't, but just in the moment when I
29:23
Speaker 1: get this, have that change that I'll be happy. Yeah,
29:27
Speaker 1: And the truth is that very few people seem to
29:29
Speaker 1: be in this state of sustained happiness no matter where
29:35
Speaker 1: they are.
29:36
Speaker 2: Yeah.
29:37
Speaker 1: You know, it's like, I think one of the most
29:40
Speaker 1: interesting things is the question of like do we all
29:45
Speaker 1: mean something different when we say happiness. It's like the
29:50
Speaker 1: word stays the same, but the experience is different personal person.
29:55
Speaker 1: So you what you experience as happiness, the state the feeling.
30:01
Speaker 1: I might experience that same state or feeling, but I
30:06
Speaker 1: call it another thing. I call it joy, or I
30:11
Speaker 1: call it like I think what a lot of people
30:15
Speaker 1: really want is the absence of anxiety, because I think
30:19
Speaker 1: so many people are anxious. And if you could magically,
30:24
Speaker 1: if I could magically click my fingers when I'm talking
30:27
Speaker 1: to these people who I can see are consumed with anxiety,
30:32
Speaker 1: which is fear. Anxiety is just a byproduct of fear
30:36
Speaker 1: that something's going to happen that they don't want. But
30:39
Speaker 1: it's for a lot of people, it's just calm. It's like,
30:43
Speaker 1: oh fuck that anxiety is gone. This state of non anxiety,
30:49
Speaker 1: Oh my god, I wish I could stay here all
30:51
Speaker 1: the time. You know, I think that's a more accurate
30:54
Speaker 1: description of what a lot of people really want. A
30:58
Speaker 1: lot of people really don't want to be the anxiety driven,
31:04
Speaker 1: fear driven, analysis, paralysis, overthinking person. And then you wonder,
31:14
Speaker 1: is that actually about changing stuff around me, building one
31:18
Speaker 1: of them or owning one of them, or changing that
31:21
Speaker 1: or is it about changing me? Like do I have
31:25
Speaker 1: to do or change something in my external world? Get
31:29
Speaker 1: this accreditation, build that brand, do that thing. What if
31:33
Speaker 1: I stayed in the same practical space situation, circumstance, environment, bank,
31:39
Speaker 1: balance relationships, is it possible that I could stay in
31:43
Speaker 1: that or a version of that and work on the internal,
31:49
Speaker 1: which is a response to the external, and find happiness
31:53
Speaker 1: without actually changing the situation. Like that's almost a spiritual
31:58
Speaker 1: and a philosophical question, but it's like we all buy
32:03
Speaker 1: into this cultural paradigm of as we've said before, success
32:07
Speaker 1: is about the external stuff. Like nobody looks across at
32:11
Speaker 1: the room at a bloke who drove to the party
32:14
Speaker 1: in a thirty year old Corolla and makes four hundred
32:18
Speaker 1: bucks a week and struggles and thinks that guy's a
32:21
Speaker 1: success story purely based just on what we think of
32:26
Speaker 1: his existence. But that motherfucker could be the happiest person
32:30
Speaker 1: in the room. Yeah, but you know from the outside
32:35
Speaker 1: looking in, and of course I've done it, and of
32:37
Speaker 1: course you've done it. We go, oh wow, look at them,
32:40
Speaker 1: they're a success story. How great is this and that?
32:44
Speaker 1: And then what you don't know is that successful person
32:48
Speaker 1: is unhappy. They have the show, they have the happy
32:52
Speaker 1: show that they wheel out every time they're facing any
32:56
Speaker 1: kind of audience one or a thousand, But underneath the
33:00
Speaker 1: show and the performance is someone who's deeply sad and
33:04
Speaker 1: deeply anxious and deeply fearful and cannot sleep and is
33:08
Speaker 1: medicated for multiple things because of that. So yeah, it's
33:13
Speaker 1: it's complex, and I don't know that. Maybe happiness is
33:20
Speaker 1: not about chasing stuff. Maybe it's about letting go of stuff.
33:24
Speaker 1: Maybe it's or that calm or that contentment whatever we
33:28
Speaker 1: want to however we want to frame it. Maybe that's
33:31
Speaker 1: there when we get certain things out of our lives
33:35
Speaker 1: rather than bringing things into our lives. What do you think, Professor,
33:40
Speaker 1: I've got some thoughts.
33:41
Speaker 2: We cann't go and have a quick Wii have a
33:43
Speaker 2: quick Wi first?
33:44
Speaker 1: Can you leave that in the podcast? Can you you
33:48
Speaker 1: can go and have a Wii? You know what I'm
33:51
Speaker 1: going to keep talking. You go and have a Wii
33:54
Speaker 1: and the audience, So now I will count how long
33:56
Speaker 1: you're gone. Please wash your hands.
33:57
Speaker 2: I'm going to be so fast and wipe well. I'm
34:01
Speaker 2: just going to wait till it around toire with thirty
34:02
Speaker 2: four minutes in almost thirty.
34:04
Speaker 1: Roe, No, you're not anything, all right? Everyone? We are.
34:09
Speaker 1: We tips gone off for a wee. We'll count. I
34:13
Speaker 1: think it's going to be somewhere around thirty seconds, depending
34:17
Speaker 1: on her hygiene and her foot speed, and also the
34:22
Speaker 1: distance travel to the aforementioned WI house. We'll see how
34:27
Speaker 1: she goes. But while I'm here talking and she's off wing.
34:30
Speaker 1: If you don't already follow us on the you Project
34:34
Speaker 1: Facebook page, it'd be great if you did. If you
34:38
Speaker 1: do and you don't interact much, it would be great
34:42
Speaker 1: if every now and then you said, hey, I would
34:45
Speaker 1: love you to do.
34:46
Speaker 2: Are you could second on the clock?
34:49
Speaker 1: Didn't we You definitely didn't wipe, and you definitely left.
34:53
Speaker 2: A trail, got wet hands from washing them.
34:56
Speaker 1: I don't believe it. Hang on, let me finish my
34:58
Speaker 1: little blurb. Oh you project Facebook page. I would love
35:04
Speaker 1: we have a fair bit of interaction, but we have
35:06
Speaker 1: a lot of the same people, which I love you
35:08
Speaker 1: people don't stop, but I'd love a few more jumping
35:12
Speaker 1: on there, just going hey, could you guys think about
35:15
Speaker 1: this or talk about this, or even ask the group
35:19
Speaker 1: a questions. I love it when someone else jumps on
35:21
Speaker 1: and says, hey, has anybody else dealt with this or
35:24
Speaker 1: experienced this? And then all of a sudden, I think
35:27
Speaker 1: there's forty one hundred people in this group. Then we've
35:31
Speaker 1: got other like minded people jumping in and supporting. It's
35:36
Speaker 1: very rare that we have anything negative in there. In fact,
35:39
Speaker 1: I would say almost never. But I'd love that to
35:43
Speaker 1: become a little online kind of safe space where people
35:47
Speaker 1: could have meaningful conversations and support each other. And let's
35:52
Speaker 1: build something really positive on the interwebs. All right, you
35:56
Speaker 1: were going to say something, and you said, but first,
35:58
Speaker 1: can I have a we do not edit any of
36:01
Speaker 1: that out. Now that you are I'm going to think
36:05
Speaker 1: by I'm not sure what your rate of wei is
36:09
Speaker 1: per second, but now that you're about three hundred grams lighter,
36:13
Speaker 1: three hundred mills lighter, let's hear your profound wisdom.
36:20
Speaker 2: Well again, I've been thinking about this heaps lately, because
36:23
Speaker 2: I observed I've done a lot of observing myself in
36:27
Speaker 2: the midst of being in a relationship that I never
36:31
Speaker 2: expected to be in, and as a result seeing seeing
36:37
Speaker 2: parts of myself or perspectives of myself that I don't know.
36:44
Speaker 2: I feel like I'm learning and I'm changing, but to
36:46
Speaker 2: the point of happiness and getting and I guess getting
36:50
Speaker 2: things done. I think I've always had such a high
36:53
Speaker 2: value on moving forward and producing and getting things done
37:00
Speaker 2: in order to feel my version of a sense of happiness.
37:04
Speaker 2: And you know, like this weekend, I had social things
37:11
Speaker 2: on on Saturday, so that day wasn't a productive day.
37:15
Speaker 2: And then it's Saturday afternoon. Dad calls and everything gets
37:19
Speaker 2: dropped as much as possible to spend the day with him.
37:22
Speaker 2: And I was driving home last night late and thinking,
37:28
Speaker 2: I've had such a beautiful weekend and with no Normally
37:32
Speaker 2: there's this underlying voice going you got nothing done, that
37:36
Speaker 2: you didn't move forward. But over the time, I've also
37:41
Speaker 2: been reassessing what does moving forward look like. You have
37:45
Speaker 2: less time to just meander around making shit up because
37:49
Speaker 2: you're spending time with somebody now, and that means you
37:54
Speaker 2: can't just wake up at six am and just produce
37:57
Speaker 2: all day long and throw shit at a wall like
37:59
Speaker 2: you have to get a bit more deliberate about what
38:01
Speaker 2: does moving forward look like? Where do you want to
38:03
Speaker 2: spend that time so that time has return on investment
38:07
Speaker 2: by way of whatever that is, whether it's learning, I
38:11
Speaker 2: think for me learning, I think the fact that I'm
38:14
Speaker 2: learning so much about myself is filling my learning cup
38:18
Speaker 2: as much as just doing other things. So it's been
38:22
Speaker 2: interesting to go is what do I want my life
38:25
Speaker 2: to look like? And what do I want it to
38:28
Speaker 2: feel like? And what have I previously interpreted that to
38:31
Speaker 2: be and what might it be now? And has that changed?
38:36
Speaker 2: I don't think we do that very much.
38:39
Speaker 1: Well. I think I love all those questions. I also
38:41
Speaker 1: love this question. And who do I want to be
38:45
Speaker 1: in the middle of all of that stuff? Like in
38:48
Speaker 1: this life? Who do I want to be? You know?
38:52
Speaker 1: How am I going to be? I think? Do you
38:57
Speaker 1: think all of us? I know we've opened this or
39:00
Speaker 1: too many times, but I'll open it once again, just briefly,
39:03
Speaker 1: so you know, objective reality, subjective experience, and then you
39:09
Speaker 1: think you could have come back from yesterday and gone
39:14
Speaker 1: your story could have been. I love Dad, but honestly,
39:17
Speaker 1: that was a bit of a waste of time. I
39:19
Speaker 1: wanted to get this and that done. I really need
39:22
Speaker 1: to be more productive and effective and proactive and I
39:26
Speaker 1: can't get distracted by you know, stuff that's not moving
39:29
Speaker 1: the needle and blah blah blah blah. Right, you tell
39:32
Speaker 1: yourself that story, then you are frustrated, Then you are sad,
39:38
Speaker 1: or then you are in some kind of state that
39:42
Speaker 1: you don't want to be because your interpretation of the
39:46
Speaker 1: day has an emotional consequence. Right now, you are in
39:52
Speaker 1: a self created state of disappointment and frustration in yourself versus, Fuck,
39:59
Speaker 1: what beautiful day that was with my dad. I don't
40:03
Speaker 1: know how many beautiful days with my dad I have left.
40:08
Speaker 1: That's a paradigm shifter. I look at my mum and dad,
40:12
Speaker 1: and as practically difficult as it is, sometimes I go
40:18
Speaker 1: there will come a day where I wish Ron was
40:22
Speaker 1: around to complain about the food. I wish he was
40:25
Speaker 1: around to complain about the restaurant that we should have
40:28
Speaker 1: gone to, not the one that we're currently in, do
40:31
Speaker 1: you know what I mean? And I think that is
40:32
Speaker 1: a real self development, just not awareness of my life
40:38
Speaker 1: in you know that is part of it, because we're
40:42
Speaker 1: constantly consciously or unconsciously in this rhythm, in this energy
40:49
Speaker 1: that we call life, but in the middle of that
40:53
Speaker 1: being aware of what is the impact that my stories,
40:58
Speaker 1: in other words, my interpret having on my level of
41:03
Speaker 1: happiness or misery or contentment or chaos. And a really
41:09
Speaker 1: cool example of this is when I take, and you
41:13
Speaker 1: know this because you're a motorbike rider, when I take, like,
41:18
Speaker 1: I remember when you rode motorbikes when you were young.
41:22
Speaker 1: Then you stopped riding for a while, and then one
41:25
Speaker 1: day day you and I went to train at another
41:29
Speaker 1: gym and I went come on the back of my bike,
41:32
Speaker 1: and you hadn't been on a bike for years. You
41:34
Speaker 1: came on the back of my bike. I loved it
41:38
Speaker 1: because I love being on a bike. You loved it
41:40
Speaker 1: because you love being on a bike. You loved it
41:42
Speaker 1: so much that by the time we got to the gym,
41:45
Speaker 1: You're like, I've got to get a bike. Fuck this,
41:48
Speaker 1: I need to be riding. That was the best. And
41:50
Speaker 1: all we did was ride up South Road and down
41:53
Speaker 1: Warrigal Road, the most boring fucking ride of all time. Well,
41:56
Speaker 1: you just had four Christmases on the way to the gym.
42:00
Speaker 1: You know, Now that's a subjective interpretation. And you were
42:05
Speaker 1: happy and joyful and you got excited about getting a bike,
42:09
Speaker 1: and then the next day you started looking at bikes
42:11
Speaker 1: and within about fourteen minutes you bought a new bike.
42:14
Speaker 1: And now I'm not saying that's the way people should respond.
42:18
Speaker 1: I'm saying that's how you responded. Conversely, I've taken people
42:23
Speaker 1: for a ride with the same level of care and
42:25
Speaker 1: the same safety and the same awareness of a human
42:29
Speaker 1: being being on the back of my bike and really
42:32
Speaker 1: in my care and my responsibility, and that person has
42:39
Speaker 1: fucking hated it, and they're screaming at me, Can you
42:42
Speaker 1: pull over? Can we go back? And we get back
42:46
Speaker 1: and they get off and they're like, that was fucking horrible,
42:49
Speaker 1: that was terrifying. That was everything I don't want. I'm
42:51
Speaker 1: never doing that again. Fuck you for making me get on.
42:54
Speaker 1: I didn't make them get on, but all that and
42:56
Speaker 1: you go, Ah. Two people can go through what see
43:00
Speaker 1: to be the same experience while actually having dimetrically opposed
43:06
Speaker 1: or divergent experiences because the experience is not created by
43:12
Speaker 1: the motorbike or the ride, it's influenced by the bike
43:17
Speaker 1: or the ride, but it's created by the person sitting
43:21
Speaker 1: on the back. So when you tell yourself. And by
43:23
Speaker 1: the way, I'm not saying anyone's wrong or right. I'm
43:27
Speaker 1: just explaining how this individual self created. You think one
43:31
Speaker 1: person gets there, you you're happy, another person comes back,
43:35
Speaker 1: they're overwhelmingly and sometimes quite rightly because you know they
43:41
Speaker 1: have an ingrained fear, but their state is extremely negative.
43:48
Speaker 1: And I think that's a metaphor for life. You know,
43:51
Speaker 1: I get on stage to talk like a fucking kid
43:55
Speaker 1: in a candy shop. Someone else would have to do
43:58
Speaker 1: a three minute presentation in two months at work to
44:03
Speaker 1: twenty people they know, and they don't sleep for two
44:06
Speaker 1: months almost because they're doing the same thing.
44:10
Speaker 2: Yeah. Also thinking about the control that we have over
44:14
Speaker 2: our emotional state. So I was thinking about I'm taking
44:19
Speaker 2: Dad to the airport. He gets quite anxious about like
44:23
Speaker 2: do I'm going to find the gate? What do I
44:25
Speaker 2: do here? What do I dare? Old Tiff again would
44:28
Speaker 2: have been like, just you know, don't wry about it.
44:31
Speaker 2: We're doing this and I tell you once, and you know,
44:32
Speaker 2: I get frustrated if I have to explain it again.
44:34
Speaker 2: And just being in a hurry all the time, and
44:36
Speaker 2: now it's like, want I have a great day with Dad,
44:39
Speaker 2: And the best way to influence his emotional state is
44:44
Speaker 2: for my emotional state to lead that so I be
44:47
Speaker 2: not stressed, so nothing's an issue, nothing that he raises
44:50
Speaker 2: an issue. We head to the airport, we do the things.
44:52
Speaker 2: I'm having a good time when we're doing it. When
44:54
Speaker 2: he asks a question again that I've just answered before
44:58
Speaker 2: about how to do a thing at the airport, I'm
45:01
Speaker 2: not stressed about it. And then like I'm training my
45:04
Speaker 2: own nervous system. And then I leave there and I'm
45:08
Speaker 2: driving home at the end of the day hours later,
45:11
Speaker 2: going just tay was an amazing What an amazing day.
45:14
Speaker 2: And it's probably just because I have managed my own
45:17
Speaker 2: nervous system an emotional state all day that to train
45:20
Speaker 2: it not to be reactive and to think about others
45:23
Speaker 2: like rather than just you know, it's like when you
45:26
Speaker 2: were talking about your parents before. I was like, that
45:29
Speaker 2: is such an intensified version of what you talk about
45:32
Speaker 2: in your research, But you're forced to do it with
45:36
Speaker 2: the people you love the most because now it's so
45:39
Speaker 2: obvious and understandable that their interpretation of the world has changed,
45:44
Speaker 2: so now you have to be really curious about, oh,
45:47
Speaker 2: what does that look like, what does this experience like
45:51
Speaker 2: for them now? Because it's not the same as what
45:52
Speaker 2: it used to be.
45:54
Speaker 1: That's very insightful. You are exactly right, because now you
46:00
Speaker 1: you are looking at the situation through your dad's eyes.
46:04
Speaker 1: Now you have moved into empathy. Now you are you
46:10
Speaker 1: have a different kind of awareness. You have a dad awareness.
46:14
Speaker 1: You have a situational awareness and context awareness. And when
46:20
Speaker 1: you know on a level from the outside looking in,
46:26
Speaker 1: people might say to you, ah, tif, that must be
46:29
Speaker 1: oh God, that must be hard work or whatever, and
46:33
Speaker 1: I would understand just as an observation. And so many
46:37
Speaker 1: people are saying, you know, nice things to me at
46:40
Speaker 1: the moment about my relationship with my parents, and I
46:43
Speaker 1: appreciate that very much. But at the same time, I
46:48
Speaker 1: don't feel at all like I'm doing anything special because
46:53
Speaker 1: one in my mind, I'm like, well, I'm the only kid, right,
46:57
Speaker 1: so it's not like I've got three backups. I do
47:00
Speaker 1: have some awesome people helping shout outs in the realm,
47:05
Speaker 1: my pseudo sister and mary Anne, But that you know,
47:13
Speaker 1: this is an opportunity rather than going this is a
47:16
Speaker 1: penalty or this is a problem, or this is a
47:18
Speaker 1: fucking labor or this is some kind of emotional anchor
47:23
Speaker 1: to my fucking happiness. No, this is where it lives.
47:28
Speaker 1: This is like I think that happiness, or as close
47:32
Speaker 1: as we can like real happiness, is tied into deep
47:38
Speaker 1: human connection. Yeah, the most. If there's one thing that
47:42
Speaker 1: correlates with the most, I through the craigharp window. For sure.
47:49
Speaker 1: It's not about money or achievement or accolades or brand
47:54
Speaker 1: or praise, all of those things my ego loves. But really,
47:58
Speaker 1: when I feel the most like I am truly being
48:02
Speaker 1: the person I need to be, it's always when I'm
48:07
Speaker 1: responding out of a version of love or connection or kindness,
48:12
Speaker 1: and I'm not even being what's the word. I'm not
48:17
Speaker 1: doing it for that. I'm not doing it so that
48:19
Speaker 1: I feel good. But that is just the byproduct, you know.
48:23
Speaker 1: So when you're doing that with your dad, there's literally
48:27
Speaker 1: nothing other than anything criminal that I would not do
48:31
Speaker 1: for my parents, you know. And so you just go, Okay,
48:36
Speaker 1: where are we at? Now? What do I need to do?
48:38
Speaker 2: Now?
48:38
Speaker 1: This is where we are? Can I magic away? Can
48:41
Speaker 1: I make Dad get up and walk? Well? No, can I,
48:47
Speaker 1: you know, magic away the Parkinson's or the arthritis, or
48:50
Speaker 1: the diabetes or the whole fucking litany of stuff that
48:54
Speaker 1: we're dealing with. Well, no, you can't. You can't. So
48:58
Speaker 1: doesn't matter, Craig, what I wish this or all that's
49:01
Speaker 1: bullshit because that's not where you're at, That's not where
49:06
Speaker 1: they are at. Where you are at right now is
49:09
Speaker 1: this is the practical reality of the situation. The only
49:13
Speaker 1: real variable is how I respond, is how I manage me,
49:18
Speaker 1: and how I love them. That's the variable that you
49:21
Speaker 1: can control because all the other you know, yes, you
49:24
Speaker 1: can influence some of the practical stuff by making sure
49:27
Speaker 1: the medications right no time and we're getting the best
49:31
Speaker 1: practitioners and all of that. You know. That's very left
49:35
Speaker 1: brain strategic, logical, analytical. But the rest is very right brain.
49:41
Speaker 1: The rest is very emotional. It's creative. Yeah, it's a
49:47
Speaker 1: different thing. And the more right brain I become or
49:51
Speaker 1: I I operate from in those situations, the greater the
49:56
Speaker 1: joy because the left brain is really this I mean,
50:01
Speaker 1: it's great because we need the left brain to figure
50:03
Speaker 1: shit out and solve problems, which I use all the time,
50:06
Speaker 1: as to you, But it's not renowned for its compassion
50:10
Speaker 1: and empathy.
50:11
Speaker 2: You know, do you think that we have the capacity
50:15
Speaker 2: to achieve happiness whatever that is in the middle of
50:23
Speaker 2: really hard times like sorrow or grief? Do you think that?
50:28
Speaker 2: Do you think? And what does that look like? And
50:31
Speaker 2: how do we do it?
50:33
Speaker 1: Yeah? I think we touched a bit on that before.
50:35
Speaker 1: I would maybe just remove like, different cultures teach us
50:41
Speaker 1: different things, like some cultures value excitement, some cultures value harmony,
50:46
Speaker 1: some achievements, some like belonging. But I think that being
50:56
Speaker 1: like I can be content, quite content and calm, but
51:01
Speaker 1: also is there any sadness attached to what my mum
51:06
Speaker 1: and dad are going through or constantly constantly, But it
51:10
Speaker 1: doesn't hijack me, It doesn't monopolize my thoughts or hijack
51:15
Speaker 1: my nervous system or choices or behaviors. And so it's
51:21
Speaker 1: not something like if I wasn't sad on some level
51:26
Speaker 1: about what's going on with anyone that I love that's
51:29
Speaker 1: going through pain, I would be worried because I would
51:33
Speaker 1: think I'm you know, in the proximity of sociopathy. You know,
51:39
Speaker 1: like Craig, you should be worried, you should care there
51:42
Speaker 1: should be. You know, this is this is not you
51:45
Speaker 1: being bad or weak or broken. This is you being
51:48
Speaker 1: a good human. But in the middle of your sadness,
51:51
Speaker 1: what can you do practically? What can you do for yourself?
51:54
Speaker 1: What can you do for your parents? Yeah, and so
51:59
Speaker 1: I think it's like almost you know, when I say
52:03
Speaker 1: I still walk out in front of a crowd or
52:06
Speaker 1: an audience, and my fear, which is ever present, the
52:14
Speaker 1: volume goes up and down, but my fear is telling
52:16
Speaker 1: me you're still a fraud. People just haven't figured out
52:21
Speaker 1: how much of a fraud you are. You're fucking great
52:24
Speaker 1: with words, and you think you're hilarious and a bit charming.
52:27
Speaker 1: By the way, You're not. You've just been lucky. You're
52:30
Speaker 1: a fuck stick with a brand. Right, This is truly
52:33
Speaker 1: what I feel Sometimes I feel like a fraud. I
52:36
Speaker 1: feel not good enough. Right left brain though logic, well,
52:42
Speaker 1: I've done this literally thousands of times and I'm okay
52:47
Speaker 1: at it. So the knowledge that I'm good enough can
52:51
Speaker 1: coexist with the feeling that I'm not good enough, and
52:54
Speaker 1: then it's up to me as to what I allow
52:58
Speaker 1: to dictate what I do next. So this hoping like
53:02
Speaker 1: it's when people talk about people being fearless. I think
53:06
Speaker 1: that's a fucking stupid goal, because fear is necessary. There's
53:12
Speaker 1: a difference between having fear and being dominated and controlled
53:18
Speaker 1: by fear and living in some kind of emotional and
53:23
Speaker 1: or psychological prison that's built from fear. And being sad,
53:28
Speaker 1: same thing too, Yeah, be sad your mum and dad
53:31
Speaker 1: a crook, your dad's crook, or you know, or your
53:34
Speaker 1: friend died. I've had five six seven people that I'm
53:42
Speaker 1: real close to. A lot of people that I know
53:43
Speaker 1: have died, but people that I was close to died,
53:47
Speaker 1: and I've spoken at funerals and carried coffins of friends
53:51
Speaker 1: at funeral at funerals, and that shit's the saddest shit ever.
53:57
Speaker 1: But I can't change what's happened. So I feel the
54:01
Speaker 1: grief and I feel the sadness, but I know that
54:03
Speaker 1: this is being human. But I don't allow that too
54:08
Speaker 1: often to derail me. You know That's I mean. I
54:14
Speaker 1: think so much of this. Yeah, happiness, joy fulfillment, calm,
54:19
Speaker 1: good state, bad state. It's influenced by what's happening in
54:23
Speaker 1: our world, for sure, but then ultimately it's determined by
54:30
Speaker 1: how we frame it or reframe it. You know, Oh,
54:34
Speaker 1: you failed, like I've failed so many times in that
54:39
Speaker 1: I didn't achieve what I set out to. Right, the
54:42
Speaker 1: thing that I wanted to do be create change, I
54:44
Speaker 1: did not do it. I did not get there. So
54:47
Speaker 1: one way is to go, Craig, you had a goal,
54:49
Speaker 1: you didn't get there. You failed. That's legit.
54:53
Speaker 2: I go.
54:54
Speaker 1: I recognize that. I recognize I didn't achieve what I
54:57
Speaker 1: set out to. And I've had this happen many times
55:00
Speaker 1: personally and professionally. I go, but I built resilience, I
55:05
Speaker 1: built understanding, I built awareness, I have more knowledge, I've
55:11
Speaker 1: developed some skill. All of these good things came from
55:15
Speaker 1: this experience that I had. So I go. It was
55:19
Speaker 1: an experience. I'm not pretending I did great, But I'm
55:22
Speaker 1: also not throwing myself under the bus going well I'm fucked.
55:27
Speaker 1: I can't you know, I just go, Well, that isn't
55:30
Speaker 1: the way that it worked. So what could I do
55:33
Speaker 1: or change or adapt that might make it work next time?
55:37
Speaker 1: So much of all of the stuff that we do,
55:40
Speaker 1: like even you thinking, even thinking now about this conversation,
55:45
Speaker 1: So what everybody is listening to is the same stimulus
55:49
Speaker 1: you and me talking about a topic and a range
55:52
Speaker 1: of related topics. Some people go, I really enjoyed that podcast.
55:58
Speaker 1: It made me think. It kind of open the door
56:00
Speaker 1: in my brain. I had a bit of awareness. I
56:02
Speaker 1: had a light bulb moment. Someone else might go, ah,
56:06
Speaker 1: fuck too, say me, I've heard this bullshit before. And
56:08
Speaker 1: they get halfway through and they turn it off. Right,
56:12
Speaker 1: They're both being stimular. They're both having the same stimulus
56:17
Speaker 1: come into their awareness. And I'm not saying people should
56:20
Speaker 1: respond anyway. I'm just saying the impact of this on
56:25
Speaker 1: the person is not so much about what you and
56:27
Speaker 1: I do or say, but rather the subsequent interpretation of
56:33
Speaker 1: it and then what people might do. You know, when
56:36
Speaker 1: you think about what changes a person's state, is it
56:41
Speaker 1: knowing something or is it doing something with the knowledge,
56:47
Speaker 1: it's always be It's well, it's quite often we're talking
56:51
Speaker 1: about sustained positive change. That's why you know. I was
56:56
Speaker 1: a personal trainer. I've been a personal trainer forever. I
56:58
Speaker 1: guess an next si science all that, But there was
57:01
Speaker 1: a time which I've spoken about, where I wasn't living
57:06
Speaker 1: what I was teaching. And because I had the knowledge
57:10
Speaker 1: but not the behavior wrapped around the knowledge, I got
57:14
Speaker 1: out of shape. I felt shit. I was embarrassed. I
57:18
Speaker 1: was humiliated, but also I ate all the food. I
57:23
Speaker 1: didn't do the workout. I So, here's the same guy
57:26
Speaker 1: with the same knowledge and the same genetic potential and
57:29
Speaker 1: the same hours in a day, not applying what he
57:33
Speaker 1: knows he should, creating a shit outcome. So the shit
57:37
Speaker 1: outcome was not determined by hours in a day or
57:41
Speaker 1: shit genetics or other people, or it was all created
57:46
Speaker 1: by me. And then when I got in shape, also
57:50
Speaker 1: created by me. There's no ego in that. That's just
57:53
Speaker 1: how it works. So you know, knowledge is not power.
57:58
Speaker 1: Knowledge is a resource. Knowledge is a tool, but knowledge
58:03
Speaker 1: that becomes operationalized or acted upon. Now we're moving the
58:09
Speaker 1: needle and you can apply this to Oh, this is
58:13
Speaker 1: a good conversation. I think I like this, not because
58:16
Speaker 1: we're just having it, but fuck, it's so like this
58:20
Speaker 1: shit is so relevant to everyone, all of us. I
58:28
Speaker 1: think I actually wrote down something here before while I
58:32
Speaker 1: was jotting down notes, and it answers the question kind
58:36
Speaker 1: of that you set and it was can you be
58:38
Speaker 1: happy while suffering? And I wrote this sounds contradictory, but
58:43
Speaker 1: many people with terminal illnesses report or speak of this
58:50
Speaker 1: deep gratitude that they have. You know, It's like parents
58:56
Speaker 1: can be exhausted and in going through a type of suffering,
59:01
Speaker 1: but they're fucking happy in the middle of it, because
59:04
Speaker 1: these little monsters that create all less chaos also give
59:08
Speaker 1: them overwhelming joy in the bigger picture. But in the moment,
59:14
Speaker 1: you want to put that little motherfucker in the insincorator,
59:17
Speaker 1: you know, but probably don't. You know, too dark, you know,
59:24
Speaker 1: like when you're sleep when you're sleep deprived, or you
59:27
Speaker 1: in your case hungry, which is really interesting because you
59:31
Speaker 1: can literally be angry in the moment while being in
59:35
Speaker 1: the middle of a really great life. I'm angry, I'm hungry,
59:41
Speaker 1: I hate my life, I hate Scott Everyone's you know,
59:45
Speaker 1: it's not It's just like, no, my life is good.
59:48
Speaker 1: I am moving the needle every day and I'm learning
59:51
Speaker 1: and evolving, and yes I fuck up and sometimes I
59:54
Speaker 1: go backwards. And but that momentary physiological state that you
1:00:00
Speaker 1: get in which creates an emotional response, and we know
1:00:05
Speaker 1: for you just to how to operate Tiff step one,
1:00:09
Speaker 1: page one, don't let her get overly hungry, you know,
1:00:14
Speaker 1: in the Tiff Operating Manual, but in the Craig Operating Manual.
1:00:17
Speaker 1: I could be hungry at nine am and literally not
1:00:21
Speaker 1: eat till nine pm, and I'd be fine because it
1:00:24
Speaker 1: doesn't affect me the way that it affects you. Yes, yes,
1:00:29
Speaker 1: So what is the thing in terms of happiness or
1:00:35
Speaker 1: what is the thing that you move away from? Like
1:00:38
Speaker 1: we all talk about, you know, I've spoken about setting
1:00:41
Speaker 1: goals and also setting anti goals. There are things that
1:00:43
Speaker 1: we want to move towards which we see as being
1:00:47
Speaker 1: some kind of light in the darkness or some kind
1:00:51
Speaker 1: of positive Are there things that you have consciously chosen
1:00:55
Speaker 1: to move away from?
1:01:01
Speaker 2: Perhaps I've looked at I take more time to look
1:01:06
Speaker 2: at relationships in my life and their impact on me
1:01:14
Speaker 2: and the reciprocity of them. Like ah, much like yourself.
1:01:20
Speaker 2: I help a lot of people, or I have big
1:01:23
Speaker 2: conversations with a lot of people, both professionally but also personally,
1:01:29
Speaker 2: and sometimes there are scenarios where I have to pause
1:01:34
Speaker 2: and look at how much give and take there is
1:01:39
Speaker 2: and ask myself how that does that deplete me? Or
1:01:44
Speaker 2: does that deplete me or does it ever fill my
1:01:46
Speaker 2: cup as well? Because sometimes I think our need to
1:01:50
Speaker 2: connect belong be significant. All of the core human needs.
1:01:53
Speaker 2: Our need for that pulls us in a direction that
1:01:57
Speaker 2: we don't step back and look at. So it's like
1:02:01
Speaker 2: we just chase this feeling of I feel empathy for
1:02:05
Speaker 2: someone or compassion and they need help and they come
1:02:09
Speaker 2: to me, and I want to be that help and provide.
1:02:13
Speaker 2: But sometimes it's not always a really healthy dynamic. So
1:02:18
Speaker 2: I do that a lot more now. I don't think
1:02:19
Speaker 2: it's easy.
1:02:21
Speaker 1: Yeah, well, there are some times when and it's not
1:02:25
Speaker 1: being selfish to prioritize you, it's actually for the greater good. Yeah,
1:02:30
Speaker 1: Like I know, for me, if I don't eat well,
1:02:33
Speaker 1: if I don't sleep well, if I don't train well,
1:02:37
Speaker 1: I am not the version of me that is the
1:02:39
Speaker 1: best for everyone else. If I'm eating badly, sleeping badly,
1:02:44
Speaker 1: not working out, I'm not looking after me. Then the
1:02:47
Speaker 1: version of me that the people who need me get
1:02:53
Speaker 1: is not going to be great for them because I'm
1:02:55
Speaker 1: not being great for me. I think. Like the funny
1:02:59
Speaker 1: thing about I guess one of the other questions was
1:03:04
Speaker 1: and we'll wind up. Are you heading towards hangry yet.
1:03:07
Speaker 2: A little bit peggish?
1:03:09
Speaker 1: Yeah? I can tell. I can tell. I can tell
1:03:15
Speaker 1: because you become less engaged in the conversation. And when
1:03:20
Speaker 1: I finish things, when you're good, you jump straight in.
1:03:24
Speaker 1: When I know you're getting hungry or hungry, that stops.
1:03:29
Speaker 1: And I noticed that stopped about fifteen minutes ago. I
1:03:33
Speaker 1: can read you like a book. But we'll finish on this,
1:03:36
Speaker 1: so that's all right, and I'll let you go and
1:03:38
Speaker 1: get some food. Fucking oh god.
1:03:43
Speaker 2: It's twelve thirty, guys, it's definitely lunch time.
1:03:46
Speaker 1: That's funny. I think, like whether or not happiness, pursuing
1:03:50
Speaker 1: happiness is a good goal. I think the problem with
1:03:55
Speaker 1: pursuing happiness as a goal is that every unhappy moment
1:04:01
Speaker 1: feels like failure, do you know what I mean? But ironically,
1:04:07
Speaker 1: accepting discomfort often increase as well being.
1:04:14
Speaker 2: I also think happiness is a very self driven thing.
1:04:18
Speaker 2: Happiness is all about so it's a feeling of me
1:04:21
Speaker 2: for me. It's for me, and I get it by
1:04:23
Speaker 2: doing things for me. How do I feel happiness? When
1:04:26
Speaker 2: you think of joy, I often think of things that
1:04:31
Speaker 2: come from like maybe joy is observing other things or
1:04:35
Speaker 2: having an impact on other things, and then you feel
1:04:37
Speaker 2: a sense of joy. So that even the word happiness
1:04:41
Speaker 2: makes me think about what it is and where it
1:04:43
Speaker 2: comes from?
1:04:46
Speaker 1: Well that was fun. What are you going to stuff
1:04:48
Speaker 1: in your face? Your little guts?
1:04:49
Speaker 2: I've when thinking about it, to be honest, I.
1:04:52
Speaker 1: Know, because your focus went from ten to four.
1:04:57
Speaker 2: Well, I think I'm going to cook up some poached
1:04:59
Speaker 2: eggs and I've got some lovely pumpkin sowdo and some
1:05:02
Speaker 2: avocado and some spinach on my makeup. But beautiful breakfast.
1:05:05
Speaker 2: Thanks for asking.
1:05:08
Speaker 1: Can I tell you a secret about it? That does
1:05:10
Speaker 1: sound yummy? But my mum, my mum was quite when
1:05:15
Speaker 1: I was young. She and older as well. Mum was
1:05:20
Speaker 1: very like, has a funny sense of humor. But when
1:05:24
Speaker 1: I because I was a fat little kid, all I
1:05:26
Speaker 1: wanted to do was eat. That was my favorite thing. Food,
1:05:30
Speaker 1: No shit. Right When I would bug mum about dinner
1:05:35
Speaker 1: and she hadn't thought it, I'm like, what's for dinner?
1:05:36
Speaker 1: What's for dinner? Because that's all I cared about. What's
1:05:39
Speaker 1: for dinner. She used to go to me shit sandwiches.
1:05:45
Speaker 1: I was like, I was like eight years old. I'm like, oh,
1:05:49
Speaker 1: I don't want that. But that was her way of saying,
1:05:53
Speaker 1: shut up. But we're talking about the seventies. It was
1:05:56
Speaker 1: a very different time.
1:05:58
Speaker 2: So we got shit on toast in our house. So yeah,
1:06:02
Speaker 2: I mean maybe it just it just got put in
1:06:04
Speaker 2: the toaster for the eighties, yeah.
1:06:06
Speaker 1: Or she would say when she wasn't so offensive. A
1:06:09
Speaker 1: glass of water and a look around. I'm like, what
1:06:12
Speaker 1: does that fucking mat? I didn't know. I still don't
1:06:15
Speaker 1: really know what that means. Glass of water and I
1:06:18
Speaker 1: look around. I'm like, it doesn't seem fulfilling or satisfying.
1:06:23
Speaker 1: All right, It's been fun. Don't forget folks. If you
1:06:28
Speaker 1: get a chance, go jump on typ page. Also, if
1:06:33
Speaker 1: you don't follow me on Instagram, Craig Anthony Harper a
1:06:39
Speaker 1: daily gems as well, that's what I call them. Maybe
1:06:44
Speaker 1: daily bullshit for some definitely daily bullshit. Enjoy your lunch,
1:06:49
Speaker 1: thanks too soon, so ya