Latest / Beautifully Complex / 266: A Summertime Plan that Can Work for Everyone, with Penny Williams

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266: A Summertime Plan that Can Work for Everyone, with Penny Williams · Beautifully Complex

• Our kids need time to explore. They need the opportunity to explore what they're interested in. You know, I've talked here before about tips, talents, interest passions. We need to be always providing opportunities for our kids to explore their talents, their interests, and their passions. That's how they build confidence and confidence. That's how they feel like they have a place in the world and a purpose and that they're good at something. Welcome to the Beautifully Complex podcast, where I share insights and strategies on parenting neurodivergent kids straight from the trenches. I'm your host, Penny Williams. I'm a parenting coach, author, and mindset mama, honored to guide you on the journey of raising your atypical kid. Let's get started. Hey, friends, welcome back. I am going to talk to you a little bit about summertime in this episode because I know that as this episode is coming out, we're starting to get to the end of the school year, and many of us know that summertime can be difficult, difficult for kids, difficult for parents. So I just want to provide you with some really good strategies that we have found personally helpful over the years for summertime and summer break. You know, for me, I always looked forward to summer break because it was a break from the trauma of school. It was a break for my kid, and it was a break for me. It was really really stressful for us, and so I looked forward to it. I know that sort of mainstream, a lot of people are like, no, it's summer, and they dread it because they might have to entertain board kids or deal with boredom, or that they don't get a break from their kids. You know, if you're a stay at home parent, you might have your kids twenty four to seven over summer, and you know, every human being needs a break from things at times. Right. It's not that you don't love your kid, it's just that you need a break. We all do. And so summertime can be difficult for a myriad of reasons. And even if you are looking forward to it, even if it's a break from the stress, there are things you can do to make it go as smoothly as possible. And that's what I want to outline for you here. So we're going to talk about four different strategies for summertime. First is Plan second, explore, third grow, and four connect. These are both things that we want to be sure that we are doing for our kids and also things that are going to make it easier. They are going to result in less stress, less boredom, and less acting out. Less of that acting out, freaking out or zoning out right, fewer meltdowns, fewer emotional outbursts. These are strategies that can help with all of that. So let's first talk about planning. I want you to make a plan, and I want you to make it visual for your kid. I used to use a post it calendar when my son was younger, and I'm going to tell you why that specific calendar in a minute. But also now, there is a company called Mighty and Bright that creates visual schedules, visual routines, lots of great tools for making plans and making things visual for our kids, and I highly recommend it. Everything that I recommend here in this episode, you're going to be able to find a link to in the show notes at the end of the episode, but I will go ahead and tell you they are at Parenting ADHD and Autism dot Com slash two six six for episode two sixty six. So we're making a plan, we're making it visual. We're going to use either a post it calendar or a mighty and bright schedule board. And the reason for those particular recommendations is that they are easily changeable. Plans change, right. I remember all the time over the summer, we would plan to get together with another kid or another family. We'd plan together the swimming pool, you know, different things, and inevitably sometimes plans had to change. Sometimes our friends would cancel a reschedule. Sometimes a thunderstorm would pop up and we couldn't go to the pool that afternoon. And those changes were very difficult for my kid because of time blindness, which sort of felt like now or not now. We talk about this concept a lot when we talk about ADHD. Everything feels like it's either now right this minute, or it's never going to happen, and that was certainly true for my kid. Plus he had no concept of time, so that time blindness was making things very difficult too, because when it was going to happen that day, that was way more tangible. When something got put off, it felt to him like it was never going to happen. So when we made that calendar both visual but also we made activities movable. I was able to work with him on things that get postponed. What that means how many days you know that post it calendar. We could pull the post note off one day, put it on the next day, move it over, counted out, you know, help him to see where that was moving to, and then it was still in his near future. That post it calendar, by the way, was weekly. I believe the Mighty and Bright kits for the schedule are also weekly. And so that was what was really helpful to us. Trying to look at anything bigger picture than that was really difficult. If we had a family vacation or something like that, we could talk about, you know, how many weeks maybe we're left until vacation, things like that, or we could talk about what we were going to do on vacation. But I focused weekly, and then I also focused daily. So on weekly, what I want you to do is make the plan together. I want you to sit down once a week with your kids, put together the visual schedule for the week, have them physically participate with you. If you're using the post it, write out you know, the swimming pool with John, and then give it to your kid and say, okay, we're doing this Wednesday at one o'clock in the afternoon. Show me where you would put that on the calendar, because we also want to use these activities as skill building, So say you hand that post it or you hand that magnet it. If you're using the Mighty and Brighter another sort of kit that helps you with visual schedules, so you could say, here's when we're meeting your friend at the swimming pool Wednesday, one pm. Right, let's count how many days until that happens. So your kid has put it on the calendar, you've talked about where it goes, They've got it in the right spot, and you can say, okay, show me where today is. Maybe it's Monday. Okay, here's where we are right now. All right, count how many days until we're going to meet John at the pool? One? Two, two days? Okay, So that's coming up pretty soon, you know, and you can talk about that timetable with your kid, because it is a struggle for so many of our kids, but it doesn't a struggle for your kid. You're still working on planning organizing skills, You're working on a lot of executive functioning skills here. So I still would do it, maybe just don't emphasize the timing as much as you might if your kid is really struggling with the concept of time or time blindness. Now here's why I recommend this and why it's so good for our kids. It helps them to learn to plan. As I just said, it helps to mitigate that time blindness issue, which for us led to a lot of meltdowns. So it reduces meltdowns. And it also helped to build flexibility because they could see that not now didn't necessarily mean never, so it helped to build that skill of flexibility as well. It also gives your kids a sense of ownership and control, and those senses of ownership and control change everything. They change everything. So you're going to get more buy in from your kid, You're going to get more flexibility from them, and it's just going to add a layer of ease to what is going on now. We also got together each morning when the kids got up and we looked at what our day was going to be like. We looked at that visual schedule, and we talked about what that day was going to look like for all of us. Where's mom, Where's Dad? Where am I going where's my brother or sister going? Right. I was fortunate enough that I had a flexible schedule at the time. I was not doing the work that I needed to do now full time, but I still was able to set my own schedule. And so sometimes they were spending the afternoon with Grandma because Mom was going to work, and it changed because my schedule for that particular type of work really was very fluctuating, and so it was really critical for us to sit down and look at that. Dad's schedule was very predictable. Every day he went to the same job, right, and he went for roughly the same hours, But for me, it was very different, and so my kids really needed to know when they were with me, when they were with Grandma, what was going on, right, And so looking at it every morning was very helpful for them to understand what was coming up, and you know, for my son to sort of get okay with what was happening that day, right, because maybe there were some things that weren't his choosing. And we had already filled out the calendar for this week, so we've already talked once about what was going to happen, and he already had some time to sort of get used to that idea if it was a non preferred task like going to the doctor or something like that. I want you to also make sure that you're making time for downtime and free play. It is very very important to our kids development that they have free play. It is also really important for our neurodivergent kids to have lower demands, and this summer can be a really good time, a really good opportunity to lower your demands on your kids. So make sure that you are giving them time for free play. Don't overschedule. Whatever you do, please don't overschedule because all that does is add stress for both you and your kid. It does not help anyone. I know that there are a lot of interventions and therapies and tutoring and activities that your kids are interested in, but you can't do everything because no one enjoys it. You can't enjoy anything if you're trying to do everything. So make sure that you're building in time for downtime for everyone. You know. One other tool that I want to mention around planning and time blindness is the timetimer. It's something that we used a lot because my son, as I said, had a lot of time blindness and time needed to be more tangible for him, and the time timer. I'm going to put one on the screen here for you to see it if you're watching this as a video, But it has a red dial that overlays the face of the clock, and it overlays for the amount of time, so maybe it's fifteen minutes, so you're gonna have a red shaded area over fifteen minutes, and it disappears in sync with time disappearing, so that kids who don't have a good concept of time can sort of see it. And it's really helpful, especially with transitions for us. And again i'll link that up in the show notes for you, but I wanted to mention that one too. You know, I searched high and low starting out because it was so long ago and there was very little online for at the time ADHD, and so I was constantly finding products and trying them out. And these are the things that were really helpful for us over the summer break to sort of mitigate some of the things that we're really challenging at that time. So let's talk about number two. Explore. Our kids need time to explore. They need the opportunity to explore what they're interested in. You know, I've talked here before about tips, talents, interest passions. We need to be always providing opportunities for our kids to explore their talents, their interests, and their passions. That's how they build confidence and competence. That's how they feel like they have a place in the world and a purpose and that they're good at something. And the summertime can often just allow more opportunities for that exploration. Ask your kids what they want to do over the summer. What topics do they maybe want to explore and learn more about. What activities might they want to do? What do they want to try or do more of. I know it's cliche, but you also have to get your kids outside. We have science that proves that sunshine and greenery help our kids' brains. They also help with sleep. They also help with our physical well being. So we need time outside for our kids. I know this is difficult for a lot of families and a lot of kids, even if it's only fifteen minutes a day, even if it's only fifteen minutes a week. Starting out, start somewhere and just encourage them to spend a little time and then sort of broaden that window of tolerance for them, because not every kid loves to be outside. My kid had a giant fear of bees when he was younger because there had been some bees in my mom's car. She didn't know it, and she was driving the kids somewhere and they had gotten on the sweat on his neck and stung him repeatedly before she realized what was happening. And after that he a huge, huge fear of bees. And anytime we're outside. The first time you saw a bee, we were done being outside. Right. So you know, we're going to talk about just right challenge in a minute, and that is one of those areas. If it's tough for your kid, give them that just right challenge. So just a little bit to start out is better than none at all. Don't harp on them about the fact that they should be spending more time outside. Just get them out there a little bit, and then encourage those activities as you go with as low of a demand as you can possibly give. Right. The other thing that helps our kids explore during the summer, and we probably did this as kids too, is summer camp. If your kid is open and willing and you have the means to do summer camp. There's some amazing camps for neurodivergent kids out there. The one that I know that I have been recommending for more than a decade is Sore. Their base camp is here in North Carolina, is actually one county over for me, about thirty or forty minutes from my home, beautiful setting here in the mountains. They also have camps in other areas why Owming, California, I believe, And they do a lot of traveling, so there are camps for the older kids where they're going to the Florida Keys and all sorts of places. So it's an outdoor adventure camp, which normally I would shy away from because I'm not the most outdoorsy person. But there's a reason for it, and the structure of that program is fantastic, especially for kids who struggle with discomfort and pushing through hard things and learning that they can do something that's hard and it can be okay. So I highly recommend Soor and I will link it up in the show notes. We did their family weekend. I think it's been about twelve years ago now, and it was amazing, completely amazing, helped even challenge my own anxiet any so I strongly recommend that one in particular, but any camp I think for neurodivergent kids will be a pretty good match in general and really helpful. Number three or third sort of strategy for summertime is growth. I want you to add just right challenge to what you and your kid are doing during the summers. They need to be able to learn that they can do hard things, and very often our nervedivergent kids really avoid doing hard things, and so we have to sort of plan it. We have to schedule it, we have to make time for it. We have to be very purposeful and intentional with helping them build this skill. So it can be done in a million different ways. Right, Be creative, lean into whatever your kid is interested in. Ideas would maybe be a complex lego set that might take days or weeks to finish. Trying writing lessons if your kid is really sort of anxious because horses might be big or scary to them, you know, trying something that they would normally just avoid because it seems too unpredictable or to anxiety provoking or just too hard. Right, maybe building a doghouse for your family pet out in the backyard. It can be anything again, as long as it's challenging but also doable. And that's what I mean by just right challenge, which is something that I think Vaidovski came up with many years ago in psychology, and it just means that kids have sort of that window of tolerance we all do, and if you don't push at all, there's no growth. They stay stuck and stagnant in the same place. So if things are super easy for them, are not going to grow. But if you push way too far and it's not doable at all, we basically break our kids. Right. We see meltdowns, We see them internalizing bad feelings about themselves and blaming themselves, all things that we don't want. So what we need is that just right challenge in that window in between where something's challenging, it's pushing them, but it is doable, whether doable by itself or doable with some accommodation or some support, but it is doable. That is a just right challenge that is going to help your kid grow in those skills, right, being less avoidant, being able to try things, to have that grit and resilience that we really want our kids to have last item to talk about for summer. My last strategy is connection. Connection is everything, folks. Connection is what we need as human beings to be able to feel good and do good. Connection means we're regulated. Connection means that we're feeling good emotionally, we're feeling good socially, we're feeling good in our family. If we're talking about connection among family members or that parent child connection. I was just interviewing doctor Adam Price for the next episode after this one, and he said parenting isn't a skill, it's a relationship, and that really hit home for me just in using that language around it. Our relationship with our kids is everything. It guides everything, so it has to be your top priority. So when we're talking about summer, how do you build in activities time to make connection, to build that bond and to also help them connect with others, whether it's a sub or a friend, or even another adult like a mentor or someone for maybe teens or older kids. How do you build in time for those activities Because it's very, very, very important, and again, a lot of times over the summer we have more opportunity for that. Even if your two working parents maybe you're taking a vacation and you can really focus on connection during that family vacation. We have talked in detail about specific connection activities and ideas in past episodes here on Beautifully Complex, and so I'm going to link those up in the show notes for you as well. I'm not going to take the time to go into those again, because you may already have a good list of ideas. I just want to encourage you to do more of that for summer because it's really going to help in all aspects and well beyond summer. Everything that I have talked about here, note it all is going to help you well beyond summer. We're talking about building skills, We're talking about building connection. We're talking about finding our kids passions and interests and purpose. We're talking about validating their interests. Right, all of these things are going to help well beyond the summer months. So I hope that you'll sit down make a plan kind of for the whole summer, but also make plans with your kids each week and review it with them each day, and get out there and explore and connect and grow because that's what they need from us most, and that's really what you need most too. I promise it does sound like maybe I'm asking you to do a little bit more. There is more planning here, but what I'm really asking you to do is just show up with purpose and intention and everything else is going to fall into place from there. So again, those show notes with all of these links to the different products that I recommended. The episodes on Connection are at ADHD and Autism dot com slash two sixty six for episode two hundred and sixty six, and I really hope that you'll go over there and take advantage of the fact that I've been there and these are tried and true resources, and I will see everyone on the next episode. Take good care. Thanks for joining me on the Beautifully Complex podcast. If you enjoyed this episode, please subscribe and share, and don't forget to check out my online courses and parent coaching at PARENTINGADHD and Autism dot com and at the Behavior Revolution dot com.