Latest / Claymore: Become Who You Are / #447 "Standing Strong: Good Discipline Makes Great Teens" -- Parenting Wisdom from Dr. Ray Guarendi

Transcript

#447 "Standing Strong: Good Discipline Makes Great Teens" -- Parenting Wisdom from Dr. Ray Guarendi · Claymore: Become Who You Are

• 0:08
  Speaker 1: Welcome to the Become who you Are podcast, the production of the John Paul 2 Renewal Center.
• 0:13
  Speaker 1: I'm Jack Grigert, your host, and I'm so glad you're joining me today.
• 0:15
  Speaker 1: We're going to be talking about parents and teens today.
• 0:18
  Speaker 1: My heart goes out to families, especially those raising children in a very toxic culture.
• 0:23
  Speaker 1: And just when we need parents to stand up, what do we do?
• 0:26
  Speaker 1: We get overwhelmed by the craziness of this world.
• 0:29
  Speaker 1: We kind of put our heads down and just hope for the best.
• 0:32
  Speaker 1: Intuitively, we know that's not enough.
• 0:34
  Speaker 1: But what do we do?
• 0:36
  Speaker 1: What can we do?
• 0:37
  Speaker 1: Well, we have a special guest on today, dr Ray Garundi, who's going to give you the tools that you need as a parent, not only to navigate the teen years, but also to enjoy them.
• 0:48
  Speaker 1: Buckle up and get ready for today's episode.
• 0:51
  Speaker 1: We are grateful to be with Dr Ray Garundi on the show today.
• 1:04
  Speaker 1: Dr Ray is a Catholic father of 10, clinical psychologist, author, professional speaker, national radio and television host.
• 1:11
  Speaker 1: His radio show that the doctor is in can be heard on over 440 stations, in Sirius XM, channel 130.
• 1:19
  Speaker 1: His EWTN television series Living Right with Dr Ray is aired in 140 countries.
• 1:25
  Speaker 1: Dr Ray speaks on parenting, marriage, the family and the Catholic faith.
• 1:30
  Speaker 1: He has a new book coming out that I'm very excited about.
• 1:32
  Speaker 1: In fact, it's out right now Standing Strong.
• 1:36
  Speaker 1: Good Discipline Makes Great Teens.
• 1:37
  Speaker 1: Dr Ray, we want to jump in and hear about that book.
• 1:41
  Speaker 1: Our parents are crying for help.
• 1:43
  Speaker 1: Welcome to the show, jack, thank you, my friend.
• 1:46
  Speaker 1: There are so many questions that we have.
• 1:47
  Speaker 1: For most parents that we meet today, they want their children to succeed.
• 1:51
  Speaker 1: There's this sense that they think all they have to do is periodically check their report cards, keep them busy with after-school programs and school and sports.
• 2:03
  Speaker 1: But you're saying in the book that parents need to do more, that if they want their children to succeed not only in a career someday, but more importantly as healthy human beings, healthy human adults they need to raise them to be respectful, responsible, to develop strong character.
• 2:19
  Speaker 1: Catholic social teaching always said, dr Ray, that primary educators, or their children, are their parents.
• 2:26
  Speaker 1: So I would have a multiple question, kind of to dive in for you when did parents decide to abdicate that responsibility and turn this over to these so-called experts and instead handing them a phone and leaving them?
• 2:39
  Speaker 1: Here's my biggest thing, dr Ray, is we seem to be leaving them in a moral vacuum and this culture is so toxic that it's just chewing them up and spinning them out, and my heart goes out to those young people.
• 2:53
  Speaker 2: Jack, you have raised about five levels of questions.
• 2:57
  Speaker 2: Sorry about that, dr Ray, but I know you can handle it.
• 3:01
  Speaker 1: I know from listening to you from the past many, many times that you're the man that could handle these.
• 3:07
  Speaker 1: God bless you, thank you.
• 3:09
  Speaker 2: Well, if you make them true faults, I'm better at those.
• 3:11
  Speaker 2: I got a fucking chance.
• 3:14
  Speaker 1: I asked parents in my office.
• 3:17
  Speaker 2: Do you want to raise a typical teen someone who is maybe not on drugs, gets halfway decent grades, no trouble with the law or do you want to raise a one in a hundred child so that at age 22, you look at that child and say, I think he's a one in a hundred.
• 3:40
  Speaker 2: He seeks God, he has morals, he has virtue, he's a beautiful human being?
• 3:44
  Speaker 2: Now, jack, I have never had a single parent yet say no, no, I'm not really interested in a one in a hundred kid.
• 3:54
  Speaker 1: I average is good.
• 3:55
  Speaker 1: Average is good, that's fine.
• 3:57
  Speaker 2: I mean, if he has cultural morals, that's okay with me, as long as he doesn't get in too much moral trouble.
• 4:02
  Speaker 2: Then I challenge him Are you prepared to raise and you yourself be a one in a hundred parent?
• 4:14
  Speaker 1: That's all right, dr Ray, that changes everything, Jack.
• 4:18
  Speaker 2: That changes the dates with which you give social freedom, two, three, four, five years later than their peer group.
• 4:26
  Speaker 2: It changes your level of supervision radically.
• 4:30
  Speaker 2: So they'll look at you and say, mom, none of my friends parents even asked where I'm going to go when they know the person.
• 4:38
  Speaker 2: It changes technological freedom, Jack.
• 4:42
  Speaker 2: They're the only one 15 years old who doesn't have the latest, greatest smartphone and you're standing all alone out there.
• 4:48
  Speaker 2: So, absolutely, the question always is what kind of human being do you want to raise?
• 4:59
  Speaker 2: And that changes everything in the way you approach that child.
• 5:04
  Speaker 2: Now you have asked the question the toxic culture.
• 5:08
  Speaker 2: A parent will sit in my office with a 16 year old and say I don't know who that is.
• 5:17
  Speaker 1: And Dr Ray, let's back up just one second here, because tell them a little bit about your office and your practice and these families coming in to see you, right, and so you're seeing this on a day-to-day basis, so talk to us why you're going forward here.
• 5:34
  Speaker 1: When we push this off to the experts, we're going to see more and more kids and families in your office just because we're seeing more and more anxiety, depression with these kids.
• 5:44
  Speaker 1: I'm sure this all is tying into what your book is about and what you're talking about here today.
• 5:52
  Speaker 2: My first book, jack, was a book titled You're a Better Parent Than you Think.
• 5:56
  Speaker 2: I wrote it nearly 40 years ago Now.
• 5:59
  Speaker 2: I was in middle school at the time.
• 6:01
  Speaker 2: You understand that I was a little fat and it was based upon the fact that the experts in many ways have ruined parents.
• 6:09
  Speaker 2: They've made them second-guess themselves.
• 6:12
  Speaker 2: They've made them parent in fear of making some kind of psychological mistake.
• 6:18
  Speaker 2: They've made them question their own authority.
• 6:22
  Speaker 2: They've made them feel like they're just these schleps who are kind of lumbering their way along and hopefully they won't mess it up too bad.
• 6:30
  Speaker 2: And it was so pervasive at that time, Jack, I had just become a psychologist and it was so pervasive in my office and it still is by the way that I had to write a book on it, and several of my books deal with this what the experts have done to parents.
• 6:47
  Speaker 2: There's no question To be a good parent, you have to have calm, confident, authority, standing strong in your discipline, and many experts don't like discipline.
• 7:01
  Speaker 2: You've heard it.
• 7:02
  Speaker 2: Gentle parenting, win-win scenarios, active listening, high messages All of these things can work, but for most kids, we have to go back to the wisdom of the ages, which is the parent is in charge, the parent is confident in their authority and the parent will stand against the culture often, as I said, I'm a clinical psychologist, so I still see folks.
• 7:36
  Speaker 2: I'm not just a media shrink.
• 7:38
  Speaker 2: You know, here, jack and a parent will be sitting in my office with a 16-year-old and they'll lament I don't know who that child is.
• 7:49
  Speaker 2: We didn't raise him that way, and I will say to them I believe you.
• 7:54
  Speaker 2: However, you probably underestimated the power of what did raise him that way the media, the music you let him listen to.
• 8:06
  Speaker 2: The games on the computer.
• 8:09
  Speaker 2: You let him play the smartphone that he's had since age 11.
• 8:12
  Speaker 2: All of these things shaped who he is, and he now looks at his mom and dad as though you're some kind of Neanderthal throwback that I got stuck with.
• 8:23
  Speaker 2: Of all the people I could have got his parents on this earth, and I see that constantly, jack.
• 8:28
  Speaker 1: You know by that time, by the time they're 16, I mean this is difficult for a parent because when you tell them that they're going to realize that, oh my gosh, I could have done much better At the age of 16, I imagine you start these disciplines at 16, you're a little behind the eight ball here.
• 8:46
  Speaker 1: You know what age, you know.
• 8:49
  Speaker 1: I mean I would think that this is going to.
• 8:51
  Speaker 1: This is something that we need to start right off the bat, when kids are really young and selling virtues and values.
• 8:58
  Speaker 1: You know, is your book going to help this parent that's got that 16-year-old in their office now, dr Ray, I mean, how do we come back and recover from that as a parent, because you know a lot of parents, I speak to the same situation as you.
• 9:14
  Speaker 1: They're coming to us saying you know, look, I could have done better with this.
• 9:18
  Speaker 1: I didn't instill these values, I didn't bring them to church on a regular basis, we're not praying together as a family.
• 9:25
  Speaker 1: All these things are producing children that are disengaged not only from their own hearts but from, certainly, from their marriages and their families.
• 9:34
  Speaker 1: Can we recover?
• 9:35
  Speaker 1: Can we recover from that?
• 9:36
  Speaker 1: Of course, prayer and grace we're going to have to do, but in your professional opinion.
• 9:43
  Speaker 2: The book is a Q&A book, Jack.
• 9:45
  Speaker 2: It has 70 questions that are most common ones that I get from parents dealing with discipline, dealing with confidence, dealing with the culture.
• 9:54
  Speaker 2: One of the exact questions is what you just said.
• 9:58
  Speaker 2: Is it too late?
• 10:01
  Speaker 2: The parents will come in and they will say, okay, I look back on the way I parented.
• 10:06
  Speaker 2: I realize I need to make some changes.
• 10:08
  Speaker 2: Is it too late?
• 10:11
  Speaker 2: And my answer is this the later it gets, the harder it gets.
• 10:17
  Speaker 2: However, you can never say it's too late.
• 10:22
  Speaker 2: You have to say, even at age 16, I need to make some changes, and it could get rough.
• 10:32
  Speaker 2: This is a kid who's going to say what do you do?
• 10:34
  Speaker 2: And changing the rules now.
• 10:36
  Speaker 1: After all this what is going on here.
• 10:39
  Speaker 2: You realize the way I've been talking to you the last four years and now you're going to hold me accountable for my mouth.
• 10:45
  Speaker 2: But I tell the parents, you know, if you're drinking spoiled milk, you immediately stop drinking it.
• 10:51
  Speaker 2: You don't say, well, I'll just kind of sip it a little bit and maybe it'll taste better in time.
• 10:56
  Speaker 2: No, you have to do an about face as best you can.
• 11:01
  Speaker 2: And even, jack, even if it is quote unquote, too late and that this child will now have to learn at the hands of the world, you still be able to say to yourself when I realized I needed to make some changes, I did.
• 11:21
  Speaker 1: Yes.
• 11:21
  Speaker 1: So you have a number of different tips in there.
• 11:23
  Speaker 1: So can you give us a little idea on how this is broken down?
• 11:28
  Speaker 1: Because I was reading four tips on how to help you enjoy your kids teen years, which is a good thing.
• 11:35
  Speaker 1: So you're talking about bonding here probably at some point, right?
• 11:38
  Speaker 1: I mean, when you start to hopefully have these discussions with your child, you're sitting down with them, maybe for the first time in a long time, dr Ray, and putting the phones down and saying, look, we have a problem here and as a parent I have to.
• 11:56
  Speaker 1: I probably let you down and now I have to recover from that.
• 12:01
  Speaker 1: I mean, there has to be, even when a teen gets upset, say, there has to be some kind of a bonding moment, something in the back of a teen's mind that says maybe even hey, finally my dad and mom are starting to pay attention to me crying out and pain over this.
• 12:19
  Speaker 2: I'm going to love you no matter what, son.
• 12:22
  Speaker 2: But I realize now I've been doing some things that aren't fair to you and aren't fair to me and I need to do something differently.
• 12:33
  Speaker 2: For example, son, I don't talk to anybody on this earth like I talk to you disrespectfully and you don't talk to anybody on this earth like you talk to me disrespectfully.
• 12:46
  Speaker 2: That's a great point.
• 12:48
  Speaker 2: We have a new house rule From this point forward.
• 12:52
  Speaker 2: Anytime you're disrespectful at all, anything rolling in the eyes, huffy, sighs, whatever, dad, you're lame, whatever it's going to be an essay.
• 13:05
  Speaker 2: It's going to be a handwritten essay and that essay is going to be the length I decide on the topic I decide.
• 13:11
  Speaker 2: Now, here's what happens, jack.
• 13:13
  Speaker 2: The longer this has been going on, the more likely the kid's going to look at the parent as if to say you're clueless, I'm not going to do that.
• 13:24
  Speaker 2: Where'd you come up with this one?
• 13:25
  Speaker 2: You've been listening to some shrink.
• 13:27
  Speaker 2: Okay, now here is probably.
• 13:31
  Speaker 2: This is an example of one of the techniques I offer in the book, and this is probably the single biggest technique of at least getting some of your authority back until you get the essay, which is longer now, because you couldn't shut his mouth the first time through he's on one of my clients called Blackout.
• 13:54
  Speaker 2: Blackout is total cessation of all perks and privileges and that's a lot.
• 14:00
  Speaker 2: That's dessert, that's any kind of technology, that's friends, that's outside, that's favorite sweatshirt, that's money supply.
• 14:09
  Speaker 2: That means he packs his own lunch for school until you get the essay.
• 14:13
  Speaker 2: Now, most of the time kids aren't so far gone that they will respond within a day or two.
• 14:21
  Speaker 2: I had one guy.
• 14:22
  Speaker 2: It took seven days.
• 14:23
  Speaker 2: He was 14 years old.
• 14:24
  Speaker 2: His parents had let him totally out of control for a long time.
• 14:27
  Speaker 2: They did this.
• 14:28
  Speaker 2: It took him seven days before he finally realized okay, I'm going to write the essay because I don't want to be on blackout all this time.
• 14:34
  Speaker 2: That's one technique.
• 14:36
  Speaker 2: Here's another technique I give to dads, dads in particular.
• 14:40
  Speaker 2: Jack, the people listening to you right now are probably those folks who want to raise that one in a hundred kid.
• 14:49
  Speaker 2: They want to establish morals, virtue, god seeking.
• 14:55
  Speaker 2: So their standards are higher than the cultures they are.
• 14:59
  Speaker 2: What they want to impart to their children is a level way above what the culture is doing right now.
• 15:06
  Speaker 2: So the kids look at this and the kids see what is this?
• 15:10
  Speaker 2: You are way out of the norm here.
• 15:14
  Speaker 2: You're not in sync with any of my friends' parents.
• 15:17
  Speaker 2: I tell the dads, if you're going to have high standards, you better have high love, and that love, the best way it's going to manifest itself, is in affection.
• 15:30
  Speaker 2: Don't let the child dictate how much affection you're allowed to give, especially in public.
• 15:37
  Speaker 2: Small scenario, jack when my son was 17, he played basketball at high school.
• 15:44
  Speaker 2: Before the home games I'd sit about four seats back in the bleachers.
• 15:48
  Speaker 2: When there was a break in the action Before the game, of course, I went down on the floor by the bench, grabbed my son, I hugged him and I kissed him.
• 16:01
  Speaker 2: I wished him luck and then I said, pd, try not to stink the joint out.
• 16:08
  Speaker 2: And he would laugh, you know, after those games.
• 16:11
  Speaker 2: I said PD, I didn't embarrass you when I do that.
• 16:15
  Speaker 2: Now, Jack, you got to know everybody sitting in those bleachers was looking down at me like what kind of fool is that?
• 16:21
  Speaker 2: Look what he's doing to his kid in front of everybody.
• 16:25
  Speaker 2: What is he?
• 16:25
  Speaker 2: Some kind of nutcase?
• 16:26
  Speaker 2: I said PD, I embarrass you.
• 16:29
  Speaker 2: He said would it make any difference if it did, dad?
• 16:34
  Speaker 2: I said no, you're my son.
• 16:38
  Speaker 2: I will hug you and kiss you anywhere, jack, he told me later.
• 16:42
  Speaker 2: He said a couple of his buddies came up to him and said I wish my dad would do that.
• 16:47
  Speaker 2: You fathers, if you're going to have high standards, you better have high affection.
• 16:53
  Speaker 1: Yeah, high affection, and not only for the child before, for his wife, right?
• 16:58
  Speaker 1: You know, I learned a little late myself, dr Ray that when you start to hold high standards to kids, you better start making sure that you're treating your wife the way you just told us to treat you right.
• 17:12
  Speaker 1: In other words, anytime you say something out of whack to me or I say it out of you, we're going to remind each other about this right away.
• 17:20
  Speaker 1: My son I remember my son saying dad, how about the things that you say to mom?
• 17:24
  Speaker 1: And so so reminding me that this isn't all out thing.
• 17:28
  Speaker 1: But but it also helped, dr Ray, because I said, ok, I tell you what that's fear.
• 17:32
  Speaker 1: That's fear.
• 17:33
  Speaker 1: You know what?
• 17:34
  Speaker 1: I'm going to be a better man, as you're becoming a better man, and we're in on this together, and you know there are some things like that to come together that work pretty well.
• 17:44
  Speaker 1: And I would just finish that comment, dr Ray, is that I'm seeing young people notice something's wrong in the schools, something's wrong in the culture, something's wrong with their friends that are just looking at pornography all day.
• 17:59
  Speaker 1: That if we don't, if we don't stand up, and we don't stand up as men in the house.
• 18:07
  Speaker 1: They're going to look down on us for that.
• 18:10
  Speaker 1: Dad, are you really a man?
• 18:12
  Speaker 1: Where were you when all of this was going on?
• 18:16
  Speaker 1: So these are complex things, aren't they, dr Ray?
• 18:19
  Speaker 1: But yeah, it's a lot of its common sense, but, but common sense sometimes comes by people pointing things, things out to you, don't they?
• 18:27
  Speaker 2: There's a chapter in the book, jack, that reverberates on what you just said.
• 18:32
  Speaker 2: I call it protect and I say to the guys you would never let another human being talk to your wife the way that child talks to your wife.
• 18:43
  Speaker 2: Next time you hear her locked into a battle with a kid, don't sit in the barcalauncher in the other room thinking, ah, if I close my eyes I can't tell which one of them is a 14 year old.
• 18:54
  Speaker 2: Get in there and protect that woman.
• 18:59
  Speaker 2: That's not just your mom you're talking to that way, son.
• 19:03
  Speaker 2: That's my wife.
• 19:05
  Speaker 2: Now you go up to your room.
• 19:07
  Speaker 2: I'm gonna find out what she wants me to do about this.
• 19:11
  Speaker 2: Well, now be careful.
• 19:12
  Speaker 2: You have to make sure you get permission, and then I'm gonna do more and I'll tell you.
• 19:18
  Speaker 2: Jack, I cannot tell you how many women tell me.
• 19:22
  Speaker 2: They are now the authorities in their homes and the guys are along for a ride.
• 19:28
  Speaker 2: The guys are Disney dad.
• 19:30
  Speaker 2: The guys say do what your mother says.
• 19:32
  Speaker 2: I do what your mother says.
• 19:33
  Speaker 2: Do what your mother says.
• 19:34
  Speaker 2: Everybody does what your mother says yeah, Guys, for heaven's sakes be a man about this.
• 19:40
  Speaker 2: That doesn't mean you kick the door down with your jack boots on and tell your son back in on tick punk.
• 19:47
  Speaker 1: No, there was a key thing that you said in there that when I look back, Dr Ray, where you just said I'm gonna check with your mom, your mother, to see what she wants me to do.
• 19:59
  Speaker 1: You know that could have slipped by people, but that's important because I think, as men, when you finally, you know, when the lid finally comes off, the anger can come out and you can overdo the anger to the point where I remember times when my wife started to then protect, in the middle of this, protect the kids, because I went off too too, too hard.
• 20:18
  Speaker 1: I think that's a key what you just said.
• 20:19
  Speaker 1: If I would have said that out loud, just go to your room and I'm gonna check with mom, and first that puts us as a team together, mom and I, but also that she has some skin in the game too.
• 20:32
  Speaker 1: What does she want me to do?
• 20:33
  Speaker 1: Right, and I think that she can temper a little bit of a man, especially someone like me, that could be a little hothead.
• 20:40
  Speaker 1: You know, like you hold it in, you hold it in, you hold it in like a lot of men and then boom, it goes.
• 20:46
  Speaker 1: You know, that's a key point that you made there.
• 20:48
  Speaker 1: That was something that I wish I would have taken into consideration earlier, for sure.
• 20:55
  Speaker 2: Parents will ask me can you be too strict?
• 20:58
  Speaker 2: I'll say it's very hard to be too strict.
• 21:02
  Speaker 2: It's very easy to be too harsh.
• 21:04
  Speaker 2: Don't confuse the two.
• 21:07
  Speaker 2: It's not strict to say shut your mouth, kid, you're not gonna talk that way around here.
• 21:13
  Speaker 2: You got that.
• 21:14
  Speaker 2: Well, okay, first of all, that's not a discipline.
• 21:16
  Speaker 2: That's just yelling and screaming, that's just beating your chest and going like this.
• 21:20
  Speaker 2: That's not discipline, that's just ugly.
• 21:22
  Speaker 2: All right.
• 21:23
  Speaker 2: But if you say something like well, you know, you just got yourself a 400 word apology to your mother for talking that way, now you didn't raise your voice, you backed it up with consequences.
• 21:35
  Speaker 2: You're gonna use blackout if you have to.
• 21:37
  Speaker 2: Your wife's gonna love you.
• 21:39
  Speaker 2: All kinds of smoother things are gonna happen.
• 21:42
  Speaker 2: Parents oftentimes say to me we don't tolerate that and I'll say well, what do you do?
• 21:49
  Speaker 2: Well, we don't tolerate it.
• 21:51
  Speaker 2: What do you do?
• 21:53
  Speaker 2: Well, they know, we tell them.
• 21:55
  Speaker 2: We tell them we're not gonna put up with that.
• 21:57
  Speaker 2: What do you do About the seventh?
• 22:00
  Speaker 2: What do you do, jack?
• 22:01
  Speaker 2: They?
• 22:01
  Speaker 1: finally hear what I'm saying.
• 22:03
  Speaker 2: You can talk all you want, that I'm going to not allow that and I'm going to do something about it and I expect you to act right.
• 22:10
  Speaker 2: But if you don't do anything about it, you're just.
• 22:12
  Speaker 2: This is not the order of discipline.
• 22:16
  Speaker 2: This thing just has the tendency to get loud and nasty if you don't back it up.
• 22:21
  Speaker 1: Yeah, and that means then that I had house rules.
• 22:25
  Speaker 1: You have a section in the book for simple house rules that lead to success.
• 22:29
  Speaker 1: In other words, if I don't lay those house rules down, it just becomes what you said, dr Ray a chaotic yelling and screaming and see who can scream the loudest, who's the biggest, who's the strongest.
• 22:41
  Speaker 1: But I remember growing up myself we were the.
• 22:44
  Speaker 1: I was the oldest of five boys and my dad worked a lot.
• 22:47
  Speaker 1: He was a professional chef gone all the time, and so we lacked house rules.
• 22:52
  Speaker 1: The only time we really knew we did something wrong is when my mom would go to my dad and say they did this, this and this, you know, and it was a little unfair sometimes because we didn't really know why we were being disciplined, and there was a real anger that came out of me because of that, not because I didn't deserve it, I wasn't sure what I did to deserve it, you know.
• 23:12
  Speaker 1: And so what you learn as a parent and what I think you're getting to with these house rules is that, hey, we got to lay these things down ahead of time.
• 23:21
  Speaker 1: So everybody's playing on an even I know, when I walk in my door how I should act, what my responsibilities are.
• 23:29
  Speaker 1: Do I have to clean the room?
• 23:30
  Speaker 1: Do I do the dishes?
• 23:31
  Speaker 1: What do I do so that I'm not as a child?
• 23:34
  Speaker 1: I'm not just getting screamed at all the time either, and parents are taking out their frustration on me, so I'd love to hear your comments on that.
• 23:44
  Speaker 2: I asked a group of parents one time Jack, when do you discipline?
• 23:47
  Speaker 2: The number one answer was when I've had enough.
• 23:52
  Speaker 1: Yeah, see, now many times we hear that.
• 23:55
  Speaker 2: Discipline because you've had enough.
• 23:57
  Speaker 2: You discipline because it's wrong.
• 23:58
  Speaker 2: If he's gonna mistreat his sister and you tell him leave your sister alone please, and he ignores you, or he leaves her alone for seven seconds and then he goes back at mistreating her and you say this 19 times on time, number 20.
• 24:14
  Speaker 2: You are not going to say you know, conan, I'm beginning to feel some anger pangs and if I repeat myself 12 more times, I I think I will probably be obliged to raise my voice.
• 24:28
  Speaker 2: No, you want to kill?
• 24:30
  Speaker 2: Okay, so I tell parents, don't discipline when you've had enough.
• 24:34
  Speaker 2: You discipline to teach whether it's right or wrong.
• 24:38
  Speaker 2: You know, it's like you go to confession.
• 24:41
  Speaker 2: Bless me, father.
• 24:43
  Speaker 2: You know, before I had children I was pretty nice.
• 24:48
  Speaker 2: Now I'm not pretty or nice Because we allow ourselves to get to the point where we're so frustrated that any discipline that we use comes out with a lot of volume, a lot of emotion and a lot of attack.
• 25:04
  Speaker 2: You don't want to get to that point.
• 25:06
  Speaker 2: I mean, we all do it, we're human, okay, especially when you're raising something Tough like a kid and not something easy like a timber wolf.
• 25:17
  Speaker 1: Given that, and they're not all the same, right?
• 25:19
  Speaker 1: I mean, you have 10 children and and you, you, you don't treat them, you can't discipline them.
• 25:25
  Speaker 1: Exactly all the same, right?
• 25:27
  Speaker 1: I mean, you have to know their, their idiosyncrasies, long as we have what, long as we have the ground rules that are fear for everybody.
• 25:33
  Speaker 1: And then I know one, one child I do have to get a little more firm what the other one just cries when I look at her.
• 25:39
  Speaker 1: You know, and that happened in my, with my children, you know, I have one daughter that all I had to do is look at her and she would start to cry.
• 25:47
  Speaker 1: I didn't have to do much else.
• 25:48
  Speaker 1: And my son and was another story.
• 25:51
  Speaker 1: You know, it had to go a little bit deeper.
• 25:52
  Speaker 1: So these four simple Kind of house rules that leads to success.
• 25:56
  Speaker 1: Do you want to crack open one or so, for an example?
• 26:00
  Speaker 2: One of them is no disrespect for anybody.
• 26:02
  Speaker 2: That means parent to parent, kid to kid, parent to kid, kid to parent.
• 26:08
  Speaker 2: No disrespect, you don't.
• 26:09
  Speaker 2: There's no disrespect now.
• 26:11
  Speaker 2: Obviously, we don't punish ourselves.
• 26:13
  Speaker 2: I'm not gonna give myself an essay, okay, but I do know some parents who did do that.
• 26:18
  Speaker 2: They said if I talk to you that way, I will write you a letter of apology.
• 26:22
  Speaker 2: So okay, no disrespect.
• 26:26
  Speaker 1: Technology.
• 26:27
  Speaker 1: Yeah, big one, big one, huge.
• 26:29
  Speaker 1: Okay.
• 26:30
  Speaker 1: So let's that crack this open just a little bit.
• 26:33
  Speaker 1: But yeah, especially with the common question, I'm sure you get, I get it all the time what do we do about these phones?
• 26:39
  Speaker 1: What do we do about the internet in the house?
• 26:41
  Speaker 2: You know how do we handle that, you know parents asked me Jack, what's the one thing I can do, the one single thing I can do that will most sabotage my parenting?
• 26:52
  Speaker 2: And I'll say, oh, that's very simple, get him a smartphone too early.
• 26:56
  Speaker 2: Hmm, Do you know the fine to find too early, Dr Ray we well, okay, first of all, jack, you know the average age of a smartphone now.
• 27:03
  Speaker 1: I Too young, too young to 10.
• 27:06
  Speaker 1: 9 to 10.
• 27:07
  Speaker 1: Now keep in mind.
• 27:08
  Speaker 2: This is, this is the universe, mm-hmm.
• 27:11
  Speaker 2: In this 10 year olds hands he can see anything, go anywhere, talk to anybody.
• 27:17
  Speaker 2: Any kind of sewage, any kind of danger, right here in his hand.
• 27:20
  Speaker 2: Now, if you hold out to your kid is 13, you're gonna be in the bottom, probably 5%.
• 27:27
  Speaker 2: All right Now.
• 27:29
  Speaker 2: First of all, I tell parents you realize the strength you got to have to be in the bottom 5%, because everybody's gonna question you, everybody.
• 27:36
  Speaker 1: That's how kids, that's how they communicate nowadays, you know that he's got to have friends.
• 27:41
  Speaker 2: How's he gonna know what's going on?
• 27:42
  Speaker 2: That's exactly.
• 27:42
  Speaker 2: Well, they're coach.
• 27:43
  Speaker 2: That's how their coach connects with them.
• 27:45
  Speaker 2: You know he's got a coach and the coach, that's it.
• 27:47
  Speaker 2: That's all the stuff.
• 27:48
  Speaker 2: That's off.
• 27:48
  Speaker 1: Well.
• 27:49
  Speaker 2: I gotta know where they are.
• 27:50
  Speaker 2: You know, I feel comfortable knowing where they are, so it's a safety factor.
• 27:53
  Speaker 2: All of these justifications, here's what I tell parents the age at which that kid gets a smartphone is based on one thing, not chronology Trustworthiness.
• 28:05
  Speaker 2: Now, and I'm gonna say trustworthiness, you start thinking about it at age 1560.
• 28:12
  Speaker 2: Hmm, if you're worried about a safety factor, get them a, get them a flip phone, get them burner phone.
• 28:20
  Speaker 2: Now, I'll tell you, jack, it's interesting how kids react to this, if If they say mom, I got a text, you have, practice runs late.
• 28:29
  Speaker 2: Okay, you know, here's a, here's a flip phone, no internet, oh no, no, no, I'm not using that in front of my friends.
• 28:38
  Speaker 1: No, that's not gonna happen.
• 28:40
  Speaker 2: You see what happens, jack, it's not a matter of Convenience, mom, it's a matter of I want the latest and the greatest.
• 28:46
  Speaker 2: So I tell parents, you, you, you've got to hold off so that here's the reason and here's the number one assault parents get.
• 28:55
  Speaker 2: You can't protect them forever.
• 28:56
  Speaker 2: That's a real world out there.
• 28:59
  Speaker 2: They've got to face life.
• 29:00
  Speaker 2: Yes, that's true, it is a real world and you can't protect them forever.
• 29:07
  Speaker 2: What you're doing is protecting them long enough so you have a few more years of your morals Kicking in before the culture starts to swamp them.
• 29:19
  Speaker 2: That's the difference.
• 29:22
  Speaker 1: So would you say, bottom line 1516.
• 29:26
  Speaker 1: So you're looking at high school, high school, is that?
• 29:29
  Speaker 1: So that's as a clinical psychologist, you're saying, look it, I wouldn't give my child iPhone, a smartphone, and tell there, in high school at least, I Didn't have one through high school because she wasn't trustworthy.
• 29:46
  Speaker 1: Yeah, now, when you say trustworthy, though, and you again, I'm getting back to your 10 kids.
• 29:51
  Speaker 1: If I've got 10 kids, and they're and they're going through, you know, school right now, I, you know I'm playing favorites now though, right and?
• 29:59
  Speaker 1: And so how do I get over that?
• 30:01
  Speaker 2: Oh, yeah, I had some kids drive before others.
• 30:04
  Speaker 2: I.
• 30:04
  Speaker 2: Had some kids driving at a younger age.
• 30:07
  Speaker 2: So if I gave, if I gave.
• 30:09
  Speaker 1: I'm just trying to talk through this because I know I'm gonna have questions.
• 30:12
  Speaker 1: So if I gave my 15 year old a phone, but my 16 year old, I go you know what I'm you're not gonna get it.
• 30:20
  Speaker 1: You're not gonna get it.
• 30:21
  Speaker 1: I mean it from a psychological standpoint.
• 30:25
  Speaker 2: You know they're gonna say am I?
• 30:26
  Speaker 1: damaging my kid.
• 30:28
  Speaker 2: You see exactly what you're doing.
• 30:30
  Speaker 1: Yeah, oh, no I know I point.
• 30:32
  Speaker 1: Yes.
• 30:33
  Speaker 2: Parents, parent in fear.
• 30:35
  Speaker 2: Okay, they can't say to themselves this child is more mature and responsible, so I can give this one a few more privileges.
• 30:43
  Speaker 2: This one has yet to show me that they are mature enough, either in their attitude or their schoolwork, or their chores or their treatment of siblings.
• 30:53
  Speaker 2: But see what you say immediately.
• 30:55
  Speaker 2: You say, oh, but what will that?
• 30:56
  Speaker 2: Do, will that damage them.
• 30:57
  Speaker 2: That's what parents are parenting under right now, and that's why this book is geared toward getting there stand strong.
• 31:06
  Speaker 1: So that's why I need my ground rules right.
• 31:08
  Speaker 1: Because, in other words, to a child, if I'm not careful, that's just a subjective decision.
• 31:13
  Speaker 1: You know that I like Martha better than I like Jim.
• 31:16
  Speaker 1: So I have to have these ground rules in place so that they again they know right what what.
• 31:21
  Speaker 1: Because I want to, I wanted, I wanted to be fear, and fear is the ground rules right.
• 31:26
  Speaker 2: But even if you have the ground rules in place, jack, they don't like your ground rules, yeah, the point being, they're not gonna understand and, as a parent, I had two kids that didn't drive till they were 18 when their brother drove when he was 16, so how did you get?
• 31:42
  Speaker 1: how did you get?
• 31:43
  Speaker 1: How did this is tough.
• 31:45
  Speaker 1: I this would be a tough thing.
• 31:47
  Speaker 1: So look at, just come at me, doctor.
• 31:49
  Speaker 2: It was not possible.
• 31:50
  Speaker 2: Yeah, it was understood.
• 31:52
  Speaker 1: Jack it what look.
• 31:54
  Speaker 2: I loved my kids tremendously, as hard as I could.
• 31:56
  Speaker 2: My 10 children are adopted, by the way okay.
• 32:00
  Speaker 1: Wait wait, wait, wait.
• 32:01
  Speaker 1: All 10 of them.
• 32:01
  Speaker 1: Yes, whoa, wow, okay, so some of them had very, very tragic early lives.
• 32:10
  Speaker 2: Wow, and because of that, they didn't mature at the same pace and Me putting something in their hand like a smartphone or four wheels underneath them was taking a high risk now Am I going to say well, they're gonna be mad at me.
• 32:26
  Speaker 2: Well, they're not gonna understand.
• 32:27
  Speaker 2: Well, they're gonna be resentful.
• 32:29
  Speaker 2: Well, they're gonna get sneaky.
• 32:31
  Speaker 2: Well, they're gonna think I play favorites.
• 32:33
  Speaker 1: You know, there was probably some of that, but I will say this there.
• 32:37
  Speaker 2: Yes, I believe there was enough love in our home that they knew this was nothing personal.
• 32:43
  Speaker 2: This was just a decision that a mom and dad had to make, and that's the way it was and it wasn't something we were gonna argue about or be badgered about or feel guilty about.
• 32:54
  Speaker 2: But these kids are all grown now and, like you, said they all take different levels of parenting.
• 32:59
  Speaker 2: I got some gonna serve the church, I got some probably gonna serve time.
• 33:02
  Speaker 2: You know, mm-hmm, I'm on the Penn State one going to state the pen, yeah it's just like real life, dr Ray.
• 33:08
  Speaker 1: It's just like.
• 33:09
  Speaker 2: Let's see the problem here, jack, and this is this is something I've just as I've gotten older and older in this shrink world.
• 33:16
  Speaker 2: Hmm, it's something I've seen Especially among religious parents.
• 33:21
  Speaker 2: They're scared.
• 33:23
  Speaker 2: They're afraid to make good decisions that they believe is the right thing to do because of their children's reaction yeah, and not just Momentary reaction.
• 33:36
  Speaker 2: They're afraid that somewhere down the road, five years from now, this kid is gonna hate him, resent him, not want to have anything to do with him, all because of what they did when he was 15 and that's all the parenting now.
• 33:52
  Speaker 1: Yeah, so the book it's got 70, 70 questions, answers to those 70 questions.
• 33:58
  Speaker 1: So I I have a pretty good chance here, as I'm, as I'm trying to, to find my way through this minefield of raising children today, that I'm gonna find some questions and answers in that book that are gonna help me do this.
• 34:10
  Speaker 1: Will it help me lay out some of these strategies then, dr Ray?
• 34:14
  Speaker 1: And then, and how to make these Decisions?
• 34:16
  Speaker 1: You know this is not easy, like you said, for a parent today.
• 34:19
  Speaker 1: They're fighting a lot in order to do the right thing.
• 34:22
  Speaker 1: I need a resource like this really to help me and then to build, probably, a community around me of like-minded parents, a community that that so my child's not the only one in this group that doesn't have a phone at 14 years old that there's other people within this group.
• 34:39
  Speaker 1: I mean, this is again difficult, I realize it, but is this a goal for for parents, or should it be a goal, dr Ray?
• 34:46
  Speaker 1: Remember?
• 34:48
  Speaker 2: when Jesus sent out the disciples in pairs of two Mm-hmm, he knew just one other person beside you.
• 34:55
  Speaker 2: Inordinately boosts your strength, boost your strength.
• 35:01
  Speaker 2: So that's the first thing.
• 35:02
  Speaker 2: Yeah, you're right, you do.
• 35:03
  Speaker 2: You do got to associate with people who think like you, so you don't think you're this lone ranger and you're the nutcase that you're that your mother is now questioning you.
• 35:12
  Speaker 2: Okay, that's the first thing.
• 35:13
  Speaker 2: Are you coming from your home?
• 35:16
  Speaker 2: Is that your home in the background that I see it is.
• 35:19
  Speaker 2: Do you think a hundred years ago, where your home is now, there was a farm?
• 35:26
  Speaker 1: Yeah, I guarantee you there's a farm Okay.
• 35:30
  Speaker 2: Do you think that that farmer, when his son turned 14?
• 35:34
  Speaker 2: Said oh boy, we're heading into the teen years.
• 35:39
  Speaker 2: Now this is gonna be rough, he's not gonna cooperate, he's not gonna give me any help around here.
• 35:44
  Speaker 2: Boy, this, this teen, this teenage stuff was really tough.
• 35:48
  Speaker 2: You think he said that?
• 35:49
  Speaker 1: no, no, he had an.
• 35:51
  Speaker 1: He had an expectation of what those kids yes.
• 35:55
  Speaker 2: Yes, and and that's what I said in the book I said, you know, teenagers are full of zest, they're full of life, they're a lot of fun, and the word teenager was not even used on that farm a hundred years ago.
• 36:07
  Speaker 2: That's a new term.
• 36:08
  Speaker 2: So what we've done is we've taken these years and we we've made him tough.
• 36:14
  Speaker 2: But I Believe they're tough not because of the development, but because of the culture.
• 36:23
  Speaker 2: Hundred years ago, that boy was still 14 and that farmer was ecstatic that he was 14.
• 36:28
  Speaker 2: He was bigger and stronger and more able to help, and the farmer didn't have to deal with the culture all around him.
• 36:34
  Speaker 2: So he was, he was pleased.
• 36:37
  Speaker 2: This is good.
• 36:37
  Speaker 2: My boy's 14.
• 36:38
  Speaker 2: He could start to do some of the things that I do.
• 36:40
  Speaker 2: But now when a kid turns 14, we go oh boy, what's ahead of us?
• 36:45
  Speaker 2: Boy, it's gonna get ugly navigating all this.
• 36:49
  Speaker 2: Because that's what we do, because the culture.
• 36:51
  Speaker 2: You got to know how to navigate that culture.
• 36:53
  Speaker 2: As a parent, I really hit that hard in the book.
• 36:56
  Speaker 1: Okay, good, well, we're gonna wind down here.
• 36:58
  Speaker 1: I know you have an appointment coming up, but let me just add this you've got tips in here to help enjoy your kids teen years, just like you said, tips for become a calmer parent.
• 37:08
  Speaker 1: So so this what I'm getting out of this, doctor ray, is that that this could be a joy, a joy filled experience, and it should be right.
• 37:16
  Speaker 1: This is family, this is, this is something that you know.
• 37:19
  Speaker 1: We can't be afraid to love our kids and to love them in the truth, and to speak truth in love, and and, and try to find some like-minded people around me.
• 37:28
  Speaker 1: Get a good book like this, and and take it on, and and and Maybe have confidence again in who I am as a parent.
• 37:36
  Speaker 1: You know my, in my own values and virtues, and and don't let me get bowled over by the culture, because I think that's what's happened to a lot of Young parents, especially millennials.
• 37:45
  Speaker 1: They bought into the lie and so they don't have anything to pass down, doctor ray.
• 37:50
  Speaker 1: They need a book like this to really help them go, you know, kind of find their way.
• 37:55
  Speaker 1: I'm gonna have links for the for the book in the show notes.
• 37:58
  Speaker 1: I've got a Facebook page or two and a Twitter, but anything else I should, I should be including dr Ray in the show notes, any way that they can get the book at their local Catholic bookstore.
• 38:09
  Speaker 2: They can get it at EWTN or if they want a signed copy, they go to my website, doctor ray calm doctor ray, calm.
• 38:18
  Speaker 1: Alright, I'm gonna have that in the show notes too.
• 38:20
  Speaker 1: Hey, god bless you, doctor, you're.
• 38:21
  Speaker 1: You're a joy.
• 38:22
  Speaker 1: I I've been a fan for a long, long time, so it's been wonderful to have you on the show.
• 38:26
  Speaker 1: You look the same.
• 38:28
  Speaker 1: I don't know what you're doing, but but keep up the good work.
• 38:31
  Speaker 1: Huh, it's the lighting jack.
• 38:32
  Speaker 1: It's the light, yeah, well.
• 38:33
  Speaker 1: Well, I'm gonna get some of that lighting myself then.
• 38:36
  Speaker 1: Hey, god bless you.
• 38:37
  Speaker 1: Thank you so much for your time.
• 38:38
  Speaker 2: Thank you, my friend, you.