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Why It's Hard To Trust Your Partner When They Say "I'm Sorry" · Trauma Free Relationship

0:07
All right, welcome back. If you're new to this channel or
0:11
podcast, welcome. I'm so pleased to hear my name
0:15
is Tom Philp, and I've been working with couples and
0:19
individuals for decades to help them break those painful
0:24
patterns that keep them stuck so that they can communicate
0:27
better, repair more quickly, and stay connected longer.
0:31
Now, I'm really excited about this particular episode today,
0:36
and I'm really kind of surprised that I actually haven't done one
0:39
sooner about this. But the scenario just happened
0:42
most recently and I thought why this is fresh in my mind.
0:46
I want to get this down. I want to flesh this out, and I
0:49
want to get it recorded and pushed out to you all because I
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think this is really, really beneficial to talk about this
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today. And today we're going to talk
0:58
about why it's difficult to believe your partner when they
1:03
say I'm sorry, right? And I, we all could speak to
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this. I think we, if you know, if I
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took phone calls or whatever, everybody could probably tell a
1:12
story about a time when they were hurt or in pain or upset.
1:17
Somebody had done something to you that that was hurtful.
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And when you went to confront them or tell them about it, you
1:25
ended up leaving that interaction feeling worse off
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because the apology was just horrible, right?
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It was not effective at all. And I think we've all
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encountered that. And I think we all could tell a
1:39
story about that for certain. And so today we're going to talk
1:43
about the 12 reasons why it's hard to trust your partner when
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they say I'm sorry. And then we're going to talk
1:51
about what makes for a good apology because really the, the
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heartbeat behind everything today that we're talking about
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is how to make a good apology. How do we say I'm sorry to
2:02
somebody? How do we take accountability
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for what we did and and how do we focus on them and the
2:09
emotional pain less than the event as so that when we
2:14
apologize, it is heartfelt, it is genuine, and it is backed up
2:18
by changed behavior and it actually helps the person feel
2:22
better and not worse about the interaction or whatever it was
2:27
that happened. But we're going to start with
2:29
the 12 ways of almost not to do it right.
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Twelve ways that apologies land flat and the reasons why 12 ways
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that apologies aren't effective are not effective and and some
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of the reasons we just can't believe it if they do apologize.
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So here we go. Let's dive in #1 words were said
2:54
in anger and then the person says the opposite when they're
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not angry. That creates some real
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confusion. And I see this a lot.
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Somebody will come in, a couple will come in and they'll say,
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you know, well, he said he said some really mean things or she,
3:12
she said this really awful thing about me.
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And I'll say, what was it in the middle of a cycle?
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Was it in the heated argument? Yes, it was.
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But now I don't know. They say they don't believe
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that. They say they were just angry.
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But now I don't know how to believe the opposite.
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Now I don't know which to believe.
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And so often times when we say things in anger, it sticks to
3:35
the other person's bones. They don't easily forget it.
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And there's something about saying something in anger that
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oftentimes it feels like, well, that must be the truth.
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It's finally coming out. And it may or may not be.
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It could be that the person is is using that moment to actually
3:54
hurt you because they're hurt. And so they're, they're going
3:57
for what they know might be hurtful.
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It may, it may not be truthful, but it certainly is effectively
4:03
hurtful. And so it could be very
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difficult to discern in those moments.
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Well, wait a minute, You, you say this now that we're not in a
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cycle and we're not in an argument.
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You say you don't mean that. But then when it came up, you
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said it out of anger and that stuck with me and it really
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hurt. And so now I don't know which to
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believe. So part of the reason it's hard
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to believe our partner when they say I love you is because it's
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very possible that what was said was said in anger.
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And now they're trying to take it back in in in a calmer time
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in the relationship. And so it throws our body into a
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disequilibrium. We don't know what to believe.
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And so do we hang on to the word said and anger.
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Were those the truth? Or are what they saying now when
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they're being softer and kinder, is that the truth?
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And if this pattern repeats itself, then it makes it all
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that much worse because the individual now is really
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confused about, well, when you're angry, you say this, you
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say awful, horrible things. But when we're not in the middle
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of a fight, you say you don't mean those things.
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And I'm supposed to just get over it.
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And and so that really again creates this disequilibrium in
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our body about what do I believe?
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And our mind is looking for the truth.
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And they're really, they can't decide because will this happens
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in the heat of the moment, But then you say the opposite.
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And so said, words said and anger are, are very much
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sometimes why it's difficult to believe our partner when they
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come back later and apologize, even if it's a good apology,
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even if they say why didn't really mean that I'm sorry I
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said that. I should not have said that.
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Even if they take accountability, it's still
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really hard because it leaves the person feeling what's the
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truth? What's the truth behind this?
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OK #2 inconsistent behavior. So the words and the actions
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don't match. It's really hard to believe
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somebody when they say, I'm sorry.
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You might hear the words, but the behaviors don't change.
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So they're still doing the harmful, hurtful thing even
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though they're saying, well, I'm sorry, I'm sorry about that.
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So the behavior has to come along with the words.
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We can't just say the words and not change the behavior.
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And conversely, and I, I may be getting ahead of myself here,
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but this is a good time to, to point it out.
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Conversely, we can't just say the words or just change the
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behavior. Excuse me, and not say the words
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either. Yes, behavior change is
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important. We don't want to continue doing
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the hurtful thing. And ultimately the behavior is
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part of what matters, but the person also needs the words too.
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So there are two sides of the same coin, and they're really
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important to have both of those in an apology.
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So one of the reasons it's hard to believe our partner when they
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say I'm sorry is because we might see inconsistency.
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We might hear the words but not see the behavior change.
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Or we might see the behavior change, which is important, but
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we also might need the words too, because the words express
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some kind of accountability for what happened as well.
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All right, number three, another one.
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It's too global. The I'm sorry is too global.
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Well, I'm sorry that happened. Da da, da, da, da, da, but no
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specifics behind it. I'm, I'm, I'm sorry I, I cheated
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on you, but you know, I was really going through a rough
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time and so on and so forth, or I'm sorry I said that and hurt
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your feelings. You know, what was going on with
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me, so on and so forth. What was happening or what you
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said was this and I was thinking about that.
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And, and so it just ends up falling flat because it's too
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global. It's not specific enough.
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I'm sorry I said that, that you were a poor parent in that
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moment. That clearly is not true.
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You're clearly a wonderful parent to your child.
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I see everyday how you pour yourself into our children.
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And that was a moment where I said something incredibly
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hurtful and hard and untrue. And regardless of what I was
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thinking or feeling at the time, it never should have come out of
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my mouth. That's more specific, right?
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And you can probably even get more specific than that, but
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that's much more specific. So sometimes it's hard to
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believe our partner when they say I'm sorry because it's just
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too global. It's just too general.
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There's not enough specifics about around why you're sorry,
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what the hurt was and taking some kind of accountability for
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it. OK #4 it's qualified, meaning
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I'm sorry, but, and I know if you're listening right now or
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watching this, you're probably rolling your eyes and going,
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yeah, I've heard that one. We've we've done that one or
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heard that one before for sure. Oh, I'm sorry, but right.
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So there's always a qualification to the I'm sorry.
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And so when that happens, the person is all they're hearing is
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the butt. All they're hearing is, oh,
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you're not really sorry because you're making an excuse.
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You're qualifying. Why you think you might be
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sorry, but it's not really in a a sorry and and I'm sorry.
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And so sometimes they fall flat and sometimes apologies are very
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difficult to to accept because there's a qualification to it.
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I'm sorry, but and then there's an excuse or a reason or an
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explanation when you can't really have that around an an
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apology. You can't have excuses or
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explanations. It can't be qualified.
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It needs to be I'm sorry and then something specific on top
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of that. OK #5 The apology addresses the
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event, but not the deeper emotional wound underneath it.
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I'm sorry I left the room as opposed to I'm sorry I left the
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room. I know that leaves you feeling
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abandoned. I'm sorry I pushed so hard and
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try to get you to open up versus I'm sorry I pushed so hard and
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try to get you to open up. I know that makes it feel like
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I'm trying to control you and it makes it makes you feel
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overwhelmed. And it's hard for you to think
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in those moments. And I know you need time to kind
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of get your head around what's happening at times.
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And when I push so hard to try to get you to open up because
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I'm fearing you're going to abandon me, I know that that
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overwhelms you and it doesn't give you the space you need to
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feel safe to open up and talk. That is way more specific and
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it's not just the event itself. I'm sorry I hid money.
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I'm sorry I texted that girl or boy.
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I'm sorry I didn't didn't return your phone call.
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Whatever it might be. It it it's not just the event.
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We have to be able to address the deeper emotional wound that
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comes along with it as well. All right, number six, changed
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behavior, but never taking accountability by saying I'm
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sorry. So as I mentioned earlier,
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right, we might have changed behavior, but the words are
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important as well. Yes, the behavior matters.
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Don't get me wrong. If I come up and and sort of,
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you know, punch you in the arm every day, hey buddy, how you
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doing to punch you in the arm and you say, ow, that hurts,
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stop doing that. And then the next day I come up
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and I punch you in the arm again and you're like, hey, and I'm
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like, we'll just just forgive me.
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I won't do it again. And then the next day I do it
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again, that I've got to stop the behavior.
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I've got to stop the, the hurtful behavior that that is
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happening or else that person's never going to be able to
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forgive me. But then there also has to be a,
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a, an apology of the impact. So at some point, not only do I
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have to stop hitting that person in the arm every time I see him,
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but then I've also got to say, you know, I'm really sorry I
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didn't stop that sooner. It clearly was upsetting you and
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not only was it physically hurting you was hurting your
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feelings, probably even sending the message that I didn't like
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you or you weren't a good friend of mine or whatever.
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And I'm really sorry I continued to do that.
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That was really, that was really bad on my part.
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And so the the apology matters as well, not just the changed
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behavior. All right #7 the apology focuses
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on ending the conflict, not understanding the partners hurt
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or pain. And we all probably are rolling
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your eyes on this one as well because we've experienced that
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when you're only saying you're sorry because you just want me
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to stop talking about it. You're only saying you're sorry
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because you just want the conflict to end.
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You're only saying you're sorry because you're trying to de
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escalate me being upset and our cycle that we might fall into.
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It's not a true apology. It's apology to meet another end
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and that is just to end the conflict.
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You're not really addressing the, the heart or the pain or
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the wound that lies underneath it.
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And so that one's really important as well, because I
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think often times people do have sort of an ulterior motive.
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Well, I'm sorry that that happened and I could see that
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was wrong. And can we just drop it now?
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Because they, they don't want to, they don't want to create a
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cycle around it and it's uncomfortable for them.
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So they're apologizing, but they're apologizing to to please
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somebody else or appease them, right.
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It it could be a fight, flight, freeze or appease response.
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Well, I just yeah, yeah, yeah. No, you're right.
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You're right. I shouldn't have done that.
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No problem. Because now you're just focused
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on them not getting more upset. Or it certainly could be a fight
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or flight apology where you're just hoping that it it, it just
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stops the cycle and I can go away and I can think about it
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and I can have my time. Or they'll calm down and not get
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upset. And we don't, we won't play out
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our same pattern. But you're not really addressing
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the hurt or pain underneath it. All right #8 there's not been a
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meaningful repair in the past. I see this a lot as well.
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So this might come around because there's a series of
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hurts or there's a series of painful events, and there's
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never really been any good repair.
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And So what that means is that the I sorry might land flat
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because we're not really digging down and deeply repairing what
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actually happened. Even if there's an apology, a
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good one, even if we changed the behavior, we might not have had
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sufficient repair around that. So that we actually learned how
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we showed up in the moment, how we contributed to the hurt and
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the pain and what was it that helped us actually heal and feel
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better about that. And so there's not sufficient
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repair to that rupture. Yes, we might have the behavior
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might have stopped the the apology might have come, but but
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there's a lack of a repair for the past or it's happened so
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many times. It's just a deeper wound than
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what one apology can withstand. And so sometimes that's another
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reason as well. All right, here's the next one.
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Past emotional wounds or attachment injuries make trust
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difficult. Now, this is on the person that
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actually is needing the apology. And sometimes I see this a lot
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for sure. It's hard to believe your
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partner when they say I'm sorry, even if they've changed the
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behavior, even if it's a good apology, heartfelt, they're
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addressing the pain because internally in you, you have
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trust issues anyway. You've got trust issues because
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there's past wounds, hurts or traumas that you've even brought
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into this relationship. That makes trusting your
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partner, even when they say I'm sorry, viable.
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And so this, this rests with you and the work that you need to do
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in being able to work on your trust issues with your partner.
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So when they do say I'm sorry, when they do disappoint or mess
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up, just like I'm sure you do them, that their apology
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actually has an impact. It can affect you.
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And you can take that in and internalize that and that helps
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heal your wounds. Maybe that's an experience for
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you that you're not used to having.
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And it feels uncomfortable because you grew up in a family
16:54
that never apologized. And so actually having a partner
16:58
apologize it, it feels weird to you and you're not sure what to
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do with it because you've got past trust issues anyway.
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So that's definitely one I've seen as well where it can be
17:09
difficult to trust your partner when they do give a good apology
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because of your own mistrust issues.
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OK, the next one, the apology sounds scripted, rehearsed or
17:23
not genuine. And, and this can happen as
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well. An apology has to be heartfelt,
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it has to be meant and your partner's going to know if it
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comes across as genuine or not. And we've all probably
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experienced and I'm sorry, that felt really flat.
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Like that doesn't sound sound genuine at all.
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That doesn't sound like you're really sorry.
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Again, it might, it might dovetail one of the others we
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talked about where it just sounds like you're saying I'm
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sorry because you want me to stop talking about.
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So having a genuine or heartfelt apology should not be scripted
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or rehearsed. And now that's not to say you,
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you can't script it out for yourself to make sure you
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include certain things because I've seen that happen and be
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effective. In other words, a person writes
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out some of the specifics of, of what they're taking
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accountability for and what they're apologizing for and the
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hurt that it caused. And so maybe they've, they've,
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they've put a list together because they want to cover that,
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but it's not like word for word rehearsed.
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And, and, and when they do, even if they use their list, they
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say, Hey, I want to make sure I cover off on everything.
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So I've written a few things down, you know, forgive me for
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writing it down, but but I might want to make sure I, I get
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everything because this is important to me.
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It can still come across as very genuine and heartfelt.
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OK number. I believe this is number 11.
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The apology is followed by pressure to move on quickly.
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And we probably all felt that one before as well.
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So our partner apologizes, but then they're like, OK, can we
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move on now? Can we just drop it?
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We don't have to talk about this anymore.
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We've talked about this for forever.
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So there you go, there's yours. There's yours apology.
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There it is. Let's move on now.
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Two things come to mind about this one.
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One is that that may be a legitimate concern for the
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person apologizing for the apologizer, because maybe it
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does keep coming up and and the person that got hurt needs
19:30
something else. There's something missing there
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for them than just having the apology.
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So the apologizer needs to be able to recognize that and say,
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you know, we've talked about this probably a half a dozen
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times and I've given the best apology I know how to give.
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I'm wondering if there's something else that's missing
19:50
there for you that it's not just about me saying I'm sorry.
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I'm wondering if something else is happening here.
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Because I, I, I, I'm, I'm getting frustrated myself
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because this keeps coming back up.
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I keep taking accountability. I keep trying to give you every
20:06
good apology that I know and it doesn't seem to be working or
20:10
helping. So it makes me think maybe
20:12
there's something different going on here.
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And then the other option of that is that, OK, what is
20:18
happening that's not allowing us to be able to move on?
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Or it falls so flat that the person that's needing the
20:25
apology is just being told that the wounds not that serious and
20:29
we just need to move on. Hey, I said I'm sorry and you
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should be able to accept that and we need to just move on.
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And so, you know, at I think this could look a couple of
20:40
different ways what it could be a legitimate concern from the
20:43
apologizer standpoint. Wait a minute, I've given you
20:46
the best apology. I know how I've taken full
20:49
accountability and I've changed my behavior and it's not
20:52
helping. What else might be going on here
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or the other side of that is, OK, I've told you I'm sorry, now
20:59
just forget it and move on. And the wound is deeper that
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it's going to take more times than just one time, especially
21:07
for sustained hurts or attachment injuries in the
21:12
relationship for sure. Because that's really important
21:16
when we have a sustained a hurt over over months or years.
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An apology is important, but it probably is going to be needed
21:26
to to be more than one. It might be, you know, the, the,
21:30
the damage that was done to the relationship might need to be
21:34
apologized at multiple points for many years, at multiple
21:39
times where you take accountability in addition to
21:42
any change behavior. All right, the final one, number
21:46
12, the hurt person's body still holds stress, fear, anger or
21:51
grief around the event as well. And again, this this I think is,
21:56
is some of the work of the person that needs the apology,
21:59
the hurt person. It is possible, and I think this
22:03
is some of the trust issues I talked about before, that that
22:07
there's still grief and hurt and anger around the event.
22:11
And you being able to work that through individually, you being
22:15
able to offer also comfort yourself, you being able to work
22:20
on any of your own self criticisms or your own inner
22:27
critic that might be a part of that that comes out well, you
22:31
just deserve this because you know that was bound to happen.
22:34
And all your relationships end up look like this.
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And here you go again. You pick someone that does the
22:38
exact same thing and you're just a big loser.
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OK, so that's, that's some work you need to do because your body
22:44
is still holding some grief, hurt or anger around the event,
22:50
possibly because it it, it, it, it Harkins back to some past
22:58
hurts or traumas that you might have as well.
23:01
Or you might need to just be able to communicate to your
23:03
partner. Hey, thank you so much.
23:05
I may need to hear that more often too.
23:08
So I can really take it in. I want you to know I'm working
23:11
really hard on that. I'm trying really hard to let
23:14
all of that in and to let it go. I need you to be patient with me
23:18
as I'm working towards that. I may not always get it perfect,
23:21
I may not always get it right, but I want you to acknowledge
23:24
that I'm really trying. And so just asking for patience
23:27
Sometimes as your body begins to release the hurt, the anger is
23:33
important as well. OK, so those are a list of 12
23:37
reasons why it might be hard to accept our partners apology or
23:44
believe our partner when they apologized.
23:47
Now real quick, let's pivot and talk about what makes for a
23:50
really good apology, right? If all these others don't work,
23:54
how do we do it right? The first thing, take clear
23:58
responsibility. You have to be able to take
24:01
ownership and responsibility for your actions and or words.
24:05
What was it you did or said that was on you?
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It's not what your partner might have provoked.
24:12
It's not what they said right beforehand or right after.
24:14
It's not how they've hurt you in the past.
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It is about what did you say or do that was so hurtful.
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You have to make a full stop there.
24:24
I did this. I take full responsibility for
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it and never should have come out of my mouth.
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The words never should have come to mind at all.
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And I take full accountability for that.
24:34
OK. It does not include excuses or
24:37
defensiveness. I'm sorry, I, I never should
24:40
have said that, but right, Well, I'm sorry, but you don't, you
24:45
don't understand. And that's defensiveness, right?
24:47
There's a tone behind that. So it has to be heartfelt and
24:51
genuine and said with some kind of vulnerability.
24:55
It needs to acknowledge the emotional impact of the other
24:58
person. Saying you're sorry for what was
25:00
done is fine. You have to say you're sorry for
25:03
the impact it had on the other person as well, Saying I'm sorry
25:07
just for the event or for the words it.
25:09
It's going to fall short. I'm sorry I said that you were a
25:13
bad parent. I never should have said that
25:15
because one is simply not true. And #2 I can see how being a
25:22
good parent is so important to you.
25:24
And I know that you didn't have good parents.
25:27
And you're doing everything you can to make sure that you break
25:31
that lineage, that you are a wonderful parent to your child.
25:35
And I know how important that is to you.
25:37
And so I know how deeply my words cut you and hurt you
25:42
because of all that that holds for you.
25:44
And I'm so sorry about that. OK, Being able to tolerate
25:49
discomfort, being able to tolerate the discomfort of the
25:53
person being hurt or angry. And maybe they don't accept your
25:57
apology immediately. Maybe they need to hear
25:59
something a little bit different from you.
26:01
Maybe their anger doesn't dissipate immediately.
26:05
You need to be able to tolerate the discomfort of an apology.
26:09
And that can be hard because I know you want them to accept
26:12
your apology, but they may not be able to do it right away.
26:16
You need to be able to sit with the discomfort of that and
26:20
acknowledge that your partner might need some additional time.
26:24
The the next one is willingness to make a repair.
26:27
Not only am I sorry, not only am I going to do something
26:30
different in the future so the behavior doesn't occur, but I
26:34
want us to work towards collaborating on how can we
26:38
together make sure we don't get to that place again either.
26:42
You know, I, I have a habit of saying horrible things in the
26:45
middle of a fight, hurtful awful things in the middle of a fight,
26:48
and I don't ever want to do that to you again.
26:51
It leaves me feeling horrible. It leaves you feeling worse and
26:54
it damages our relationship. I want to be able to work
26:58
together. Can we figure out a code word?
27:01
Can we use the in three technique, notice, name and
27:04
normalize so that we catch our cycles early so that we'll start
27:09
to learn how I, I, I cannot get to that place and I can stop it
27:14
early so I don't have that happen again.
27:17
So willingness to make a deeper repair and actually change maybe
27:21
something about the relationship so that we don't even get close
27:24
to that happening anymore. And finally, a good apology
27:29
keeps the focus on the injured person.
27:31
Remember, it may be vulnerable and uncomfortable for you to
27:35
apologize, but make sure you keep the focus on them.
27:39
It's not about you, it's about them.
27:42
So you don't want to turn this around somehow.
27:44
And I see this happen where all of a sudden we end up talking
27:47
about your hurts or your pain or your suffering or your past and
27:52
not your what you did to your partner and the hurt that they
27:55
sustained. So keep the focus on them.
27:59
Don't make the focus turn around on you.
28:02
All right, thank you very much. If you want to learn more, I
28:06
invite you to click the link below.
28:09
I'll put it down on the linear notes down below.
28:13
You could sign up for a clarity call and we would love to talk
28:17
to you about our cycle reset program.
28:20
If you're tired of playing out the same hurtful patterns in
28:24
your relationship, we have got a step by step program that works
28:29
wonders to help you break those patterns so you can or
28:32
communication and connection in your relationship.
28:36
If you want to learn more, just click the link down below.