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ATTACK THE FRUIT - STRENGTHEN THE ROOT! · Mental Health and the Mission of the Church

• 0:02
  SPEAKER_00: All right, everybody.
• 0:04
  SPEAKER_00: Excited about being with you this morning.
• 0:06
  SPEAKER_00: I'm going to talk about a phrase that uh I've uh I've learned to really enjoy and find helpful.
• 0:13
  SPEAKER_00: We're still talking about how to break um destructive, unhelpful, unhealthy cycles of thought, belief, and behavior.
• 0:21
  SPEAKER_00: What do you do when you, uh someone you love, a relationship you have, uh, an area of your life is caught in a in a often recurring cycle or spiral uh to places that you just don't want to go.
• 0:39
  SPEAKER_00: Um, you know, the same argument, the same uh maybe you set a goal to lose weight or a goal to do whatever, and uh the same trapdoor that you fall through and uh fail to follow through on your hope, your plan, your dream, whatever.
• 0:57
  SPEAKER_00: All right, what we've been using is a uh a habit cycle that uh came from a book called uh Atomic Habits by a gentleman named James Clear.
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_00: Um and the four cycles of a habit are uh trigger, craving, response, reward.
• 1:15
  SPEAKER_00: Now think about it.
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_00: Something triggers us, it it feeds on a craving, and by craving I simply mean need.
• 1:23
  SPEAKER_00: Some some need, a legitimate, appropriate thing that we need.
• 1:29
  SPEAKER_00: It that's what it feeds on, you might say.
• 1:32
  SPEAKER_00: That's what it's energized by.
• 1:34
  SPEAKER_00: So trigger, um, craving, and then we respond somewhere or other, and there's where we get in trouble because we respond a certain way to get a reward.
• 1:48
  SPEAKER_00: So trigger, craving, response, reward.
• 1:51
  SPEAKER_00: And what I want to talk about today is last the last couple of weeks we've been talking about a couple of key things.
• 1:56
  SPEAKER_00: Two really important thoughts own your response, name your need.
• 2:01
  SPEAKER_00: Own your response, name the need.
• 2:03
  SPEAKER_00: What does that mean?
• 2:04
  SPEAKER_00: It means take responsibility for how you respond to people and things around you.
• 2:10
  SPEAKER_00: If you assign responsibility to other people or things, it you're intentionally or not, you're putting it outside of your power to change it.
• 2:22
  SPEAKER_00: When you own the responsibility for how I respond, you're retaining the authority and the power to alter, manage, grow in your ability to respond better.
• 2:34
  SPEAKER_00: All right, let's use a particular uh pattern that I've seen often, and I mean really often, and uh, and here's a phrase I want you to think about because I want to say it up many, many times as we go through today.
• 2:46
  SPEAKER_00: When you attack the fruit, you strengthen the root.
• 2:50
  SPEAKER_00: When you attack the fruit, you strengthen the root.
• 2:54
  SPEAKER_00: Dude, what are you talking about?
• 2:56
  SPEAKER_00: Well, I want you to imagine you're dealing with somebody, uh, whether you're trying to help them or you're caught in a cycle with them, and um you say this is the kind of thing you find yourself saying about that person.
• 3:09
  SPEAKER_00: Man, they're so controlling.
• 3:12
  SPEAKER_00: They uh they they just have control issues.
• 3:15
  SPEAKER_00: And we're we're we all seem to be pretty comfortable saying, thinking, and describing people as uh, well, that person has control issues, or that's a controlling person.
• 3:27
  SPEAKER_00: Well, here's the deal: trigger craving response reward.
• 3:32
  SPEAKER_00: The tendency to want to control our environment, the people and things around us, to get the uh response that we want from them is uh is a it's a response.
• 3:47
  SPEAKER_00: It's not, in other words, something triggers me, awakens a craving, and my response is to be controlling.
• 3:56
  SPEAKER_00: So here's what I've learned, and it seems that it helps.
• 3:59
  SPEAKER_00: Let's just maybe you ought to think for a minute.
• 4:01
  SPEAKER_00: Would anyone describe you as uh somewhat controlling or somewhat controlling?
• 4:09
  SPEAKER_00: And um, and it and let's just put it through this process: trigger, craving, response, reward.
• 4:15
  SPEAKER_00: All right, let's let me restate your or my tendencies to be controlling, uh, whether it's of our children, whether it's of our spouse, whether it's of our parents and friends, whether it's of events that involve other people, when we're attempting to be controlling, that's a response to a trigger.
• 4:38
  SPEAKER_00: All right.
• 4:40
  SPEAKER_00: If it's a response to a trigger, remember, trigger craving, response, reward.
• 4:46
  SPEAKER_00: What would be the craving?
• 4:48
  SPEAKER_00: Remember, when you when you see the word craving, that's name the need.
• 4:53
  SPEAKER_00: So own your response.
• 4:56
  SPEAKER_00: I'm I'm controlling, I'm choosing to be controlling.
• 4:59
  SPEAKER_00: Now, here's the interesting thing about that.
• 5:02
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, attack the fruit, strength, and the root.
• 5:04
  SPEAKER_00: The roots to our behavior are in our subconscious.
• 5:08
  SPEAKER_00: We most of the patterns we get in trouble over and in with other people have been set in place decades ago.
• 5:18
  SPEAKER_00: So when when somebody says, Oh, well, you're controlling, you may literally not be aware you're doing it.
• 5:25
  SPEAKER_00: Because it's a pattern you learned years or decades ago to meet a need.
• 5:31
  SPEAKER_00: To meet a need that you needed then, that you need to learn to change and adjust now.
• 5:38
  SPEAKER_00: All right, let's play with it.
• 5:39
  SPEAKER_00: So, what triggers, something triggers you, your response is to micromanage whether it's your children or your husband, your wife, your friends.
• 5:54
  SPEAKER_00: All right.
• 5:56
  SPEAKER_00: Trigger craving response.
• 5:59
  SPEAKER_00: Craving, name the need.
• 6:01
  SPEAKER_00: What's going on when you feel the need to control?
• 6:04
  SPEAKER_00: What's missing when you feel the need to control people or things?
• 6:10
  SPEAKER_00: And again, I'm gonna cut to the chase a little bit more than I normally would.
• 6:14
  SPEAKER_00: Normally, I'd like to kind of reel you in to make you feel your way, think your way to the answer.
• 6:20
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and if you want to, throw it in the comments.
• 6:24
  SPEAKER_00: What would make someone feel the need to be controlling?
• 6:29
  SPEAKER_00: And my answer would be trust, meaning I don't trust things to work out the way I think they should unless I help them.
• 6:40
  SPEAKER_00: So what now again, trigger, craving, response?
• 6:44
  SPEAKER_00: What need, what need would be driving that?
• 6:49
  SPEAKER_00: I I'm triggered by something, I over-respond in a controlling way.
• 6:55
  SPEAKER_00: What would make me uh somebody put the answer we're moving toward, um Lisa did?
• 7:03
  SPEAKER_00: Um here's the deal.
• 7:05
  SPEAKER_00: I I have trust issues.
• 7:06
  SPEAKER_00: Why would I have trust issues?
• 7:08
  SPEAKER_00: Because maybe earlier in life, at some stage of life, and I and I'm particularly mean childhood, the people who I looked to, relied on, and trusted in to protect me, meet my needs, provide a safe, secure environment, maybe just did not do their job, or didn't do their job well, or didn't do their job consistently.
• 7:29
  SPEAKER_00: Well, what does that create in me?
• 7:31
  SPEAKER_00: It creates fear.
• 7:34
  SPEAKER_00: What's the need behind that particular fear that would lead to my being controlling?
• 7:41
  SPEAKER_00: A need for safety, a need for a consistent meeting of my my needs, love, my physical needs, even, right?
• 7:53
  SPEAKER_00: Uh I mean, it can even be in homes where you're not even physically taken care of, or you're even harmed.
• 8:00
  SPEAKER_00: And what happens is I develop a fear that I will not be safe unless I take care of it myself.
• 8:11
  SPEAKER_00: So let's let's walk this back through now.
• 8:13
  SPEAKER_00: What we're talking about is if you attack the fruit, you strengthen the root.
• 8:19
  SPEAKER_00: We started with control.
• 8:20
  SPEAKER_00: In my opinion, that's the fruit.
• 8:23
  SPEAKER_00: That's someone's response to a trigger.
• 8:26
  SPEAKER_00: The root is the need down here.
• 8:30
  SPEAKER_00: So, this is how I think control is a trust issue.
• 8:35
  SPEAKER_00: Why would we have a trust issue?
• 8:38
  SPEAKER_00: Because of fear.
• 8:39
  SPEAKER_00: Fear of what?
• 8:40
  SPEAKER_00: Fear of some need or needs not being consistently sufficiently met.
• 8:45
  SPEAKER_00: So what happens is I learned that I couldn't trust the people who were supposed to take care of me, who were responsible for taking care of me.
• 8:55
  SPEAKER_00: So I learned to take care of myself.
• 8:58
  SPEAKER_00: I I developed a, and this is where it gets important, a subconscious cycle, response cycle, to where if I feel the least bit threatened, I'm gonna I'm gonna kind of make sure things work out the way I think they should.
• 9:15
  SPEAKER_00: And that translates into my being controlling.
• 9:19
  SPEAKER_00: Now, what are we talking about?
• 9:21
  SPEAKER_00: The root is a need down here that's attached to a fear.
• 9:27
  SPEAKER_00: The fruit is controlling behavior.
• 9:31
  SPEAKER_00: Now, here's what's interesting.
• 9:33
  SPEAKER_00: If you attack the fruit, the controlling behavior, you're just so controlling.
• 9:39
  SPEAKER_00: I just you you you're so disrespectful.
• 9:42
  SPEAKER_00: I just never feel like you trust me.
• 9:46
  SPEAKER_00: What are you what are you doing?
• 9:48
  SPEAKER_00: You're attacking the fruit, and what you're doing, remember what the root is.
• 9:53
  SPEAKER_00: The root is fear, the root is my needs are not going to be consistently and sufficiently met.
• 10:00
  SPEAKER_00: What you're doing is you're strengthening the root.
• 10:04
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, so what do I do?
• 10:06
  SPEAKER_00: Just ignore it?
• 10:07
  SPEAKER_00: No, you don't ignore it, but you earn the right, and that's important, you earn the right to get down to the soft, scary part of the person's heart and soul, which is that little person in there that way back somewhere didn't feel safe.
• 10:28
  SPEAKER_00: What you want to do is try to be a safe place.
• 10:33
  SPEAKER_00: A safe place for yourself or a loved one.
• 10:35
  SPEAKER_00: Again, please catch what I'm saying.
• 10:38
  SPEAKER_00: The trigger is some threat to a perceived or real need that I have.
• 10:44
  SPEAKER_00: It triggers a craving in me.
• 10:46
  SPEAKER_00: I I want to feel safe.
• 10:47
  SPEAKER_00: I want to feel we feel safer when we have some degree of control.
• 10:54
  SPEAKER_00: Now we could talk a lot about that and whether it's real or or helpful.
• 11:00
  SPEAKER_00: But the bottom line is my response is to be controlling.
• 11:04
  SPEAKER_00: But the tr the the the the root of that response is my fear and the need that drives it.
• 11:13
  SPEAKER_00: If you attack the fruit, the the controlling behavior, the anger, whatever else it might be, you strengthen the root.
• 11:21
  SPEAKER_00: When what we need to do is learn how to listen past the troubling behavior.
• 11:27
  SPEAKER_00: Talk enough to get to the underlying need and fear so that we can develop healthier responses.
• 11:37
  SPEAKER_00: Attack the fruit, you strengthen the root.
• 11:41
  SPEAKER_00: We want to learn to minister to the root of our own issues as well as the people around us that we love.
• 11:48
  SPEAKER_00: Alright?
• 11:49
  SPEAKER_00: Love you guys.
• 11:50
  SPEAKER_00: I hope that made sense.
• 11:51
  SPEAKER_00: Alright, hey, do me a favor.
• 11:54
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• 11:59
  SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna be doing some things going forward.
• 12:00
  SPEAKER_00: I'm working on a book finally, uh different things, but need your email if you want to stay in the loop of some of the different things we're doing.
• 12:09
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• 12:13
  SPEAKER_00: Love you guys.
• 12:14
  SPEAKER_00: Bye.