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Transcript

#HURDLEMOMENT: The Biggest Lessons I've Learned Being Single (& Dating) In My 30s · Hurdle with Emily Abbate

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  Speaker 1: You can't just continually look for this thing for yourself. Instead,
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  Speaker 1: you need to spend this time investing in you, following
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  Speaker 1: the things that you desire that might not have anything
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  Speaker 1: to do with romance, but rather just you being your
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  Speaker 1: best self because you are great as you are. Hey, Hurdlers,
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  Speaker 1: Emily A body here bringing you another installment of Hurdle
• 0:42
  Speaker 1: Moment from Hurdle y'all, it has been a day like
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  Speaker 1: the most dayest of days. Oh my goodness. I spent
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  Speaker 1: six hours almost in line waiting to vote early today
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  Speaker 1: and as you can probably imagine, there are a lot
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  Speaker 1: of emotions that go through your mind when you're waiting
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  Speaker 1: for six hours, and also your phone dies and you
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  Speaker 1: are just like, what is going on. I'm definitely going
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  Speaker 1: to talk about this on Five Minute Friday this week,
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  Speaker 1: so stay tuned for that. In the meantime, I'm bringing
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  Speaker 1: a juicy episode to the feed today, deviating from a
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  Speaker 1: lot of the running content that's been going on on
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  Speaker 1: Hurdle Moment Wednesdays. Today, I am sharing with you lessons
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  Speaker 1: that I have learned from being single and maybe more
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  Speaker 1: specifically from dating in my thirties. It's something that I
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  Speaker 1: get a lot of messages about and it feels really
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  Speaker 1: relevant right now because this week in particular, a lot
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  Speaker 1: of you have reached out over Instagram, and if you
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  Speaker 1: don't follow Hurdle on Instagram, it's at Hurdle Podcast. I
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  Speaker 1: am all so over at Emily a Body, but many
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  Speaker 1: of you have reached out recently to talk to me
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  Speaker 1: about being single and your frustrations that go hand in
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  Speaker 1: hand with being single and feeling like you're doing something
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  Speaker 1: wrong because you're single, and being made to feel like
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  Speaker 1: you're doing something wrong because you're single, and a few highlights.
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  Speaker 1: First of all, you are not doing it anything wrong
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  Speaker 1: because you happen to be single. You cannot put your
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  Speaker 1: value in the hands of others, whether that is a
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  Speaker 1: potential partner or your friends or your family because you're
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  Speaker 1: not attached. That's just not fair. And also of notes
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  Speaker 1: on that before we end to the meat of things,
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  Speaker 1: I also do want to say that there's some really
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  Speaker 1: awesome opportunity that comes with embracing your single miss with
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  Speaker 1: embracing being alone, and I've chatted about that here on
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  Speaker 1: the show. Before I'll put some links in the show
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  Speaker 1: notes to episodes, and also a Hurdle workshop that I
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  Speaker 1: hosted earlier this year on finding your power Alone. Now,
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  Speaker 1: before I get into all of my highlights of navigating
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  Speaker 1: the single life, I do want to take a moment
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  Speaker 1: and thank my friends at Gooder for sponsoring Kurdle. Now,
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  Speaker 1: at the track, hitting a long run, or cute enough
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  Speaker 1: even just to wear to brunch. I'm a huge fan
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  Speaker 1: of their blackout mock GE's. They've got a ton of
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  Speaker 1: different looks to suit every taste. They've got an awesome
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  Speaker 1: checkout to get ten dollars off your purchase today. Important
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  Speaker 1: to note here the glasses start at just twenty five dollars.
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  Speaker 1: So again, this deal is outrageous. Again that is Gooder
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  Speaker 1: goodr dot com. Slash kurdle and use the code Hurdle
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  Speaker 1: at checkout to get ten dollars off your purchase today.
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  Speaker 1: As always, we need anything, reach out to me over
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  Speaker 1: social and don't forget to subscribe to the weekly Hurdle newsletter.
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  Speaker 1: The link to do so is in the show notes.
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  Speaker 1: With that, let's get to hurdling. I talk to a
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  Speaker 1: lot of women about their relationship status. And that's a
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  Speaker 1: funny sentence because most of the women that I talk
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  Speaker 1: to about the relationship status it's over Instagram DM and
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  Speaker 1: we don't actually know each other. As a woman in
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  Speaker 1: my thirties, I can certainly relate to this idea that
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  Speaker 1: many of you approach me with, which is, oh, my goodness,
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  Speaker 1: I don't have a life partner. So many people ask
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  Speaker 1: me how I feel about this? Maybe make me feel
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  Speaker 1: as though I am doing something wrong? How am I
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  Speaker 1: supposed to navigate this? Oh my goodness, am I inherently
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  Speaker 1: lonely because I'm not sharing my bed with someone? Like goodness?
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  Speaker 1: So many things and this is a topic I don't
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  Speaker 1: talk about that often because I don't like to get
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  Speaker 1: into my personal life that often, but I do understand
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  Speaker 1: and recognize that I have some wisdom so to speak
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  Speaker 1: on the subject matter that might be something that can
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  Speaker 1: be of assistance. So here we go. Lessons I have
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  Speaker 1: learned from being single and dating in my thirties. First
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  Speaker 1: things first. Here, you have to come first. Period. The
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  Speaker 1: thing about relationships is that if you don't give to yourself,
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  Speaker 1: if you aren't feeling fulfilled and happy in your life,
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  Speaker 1: then you can't really show up for others, especially in
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  Speaker 1: a romantic capacity. You have to make time for yourself.
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  Speaker 1: You have to do things that make you happy, whether
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  Speaker 1: or not you are single or attached. And I say
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  Speaker 1: this specific to this topic because if you don't know
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  Speaker 1: how to prioritize yourself first when you are not in
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  Speaker 1: a romantic partnership, then you could get completely lost when
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  Speaker 1: you do meet someone that you are interested in. This
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  Speaker 1: means that although you may, just like me, be someone
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  Speaker 1: who relates as a giver, you cannot, and I reiterate this,
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  Speaker 1: you cannot put aside the things that make you you,
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  Speaker 1: the things that you need to get done to satisfy
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  Speaker 1: another human. So you have to come first. Lesson number one.
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  Speaker 1: Lesson number two. The right partnership is about you choosing
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  Speaker 1: each other. Oh my god, how many times have you
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  Speaker 1: sat with someone at a bar and talked about that
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  Speaker 1: you just don't understand why this person flaked or why
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  Speaker 1: this person doesn't like you without asking yourself a very
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  Speaker 1: important question, especially when it comes to the introductory dating situation,
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  Speaker 1: that question, do I really like them? There may be
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  Speaker 1: things that you are looking for in a romantic partner
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  Speaker 1: that this person doesn't even remotely come close to you.
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  Speaker 1: But because it is human nature, we are so used
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  Speaker 1: to like wanting this person to like us. Reminder, it
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  Speaker 1: is a two way street. You are looking for a
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  Speaker 1: partner that makes you feel fulfilled, and they're going to
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  Speaker 1: be your hype man and you're going to feel like
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  Speaker 1: an equal. And if you're so busy trying to get
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  Speaker 1: this person to like you like it's a job interview
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  Speaker 1: and not doing inventory of how they make you feel
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  Speaker 1: truly in return, then you are making a grave mistake.
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  Speaker 1: Less than number three, You should never have to be
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  Speaker 1: someone you are not, or sacrifice who it is that
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  Speaker 1: you are when it comes to the right partner. I
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  Speaker 1: cannot stress this enough. There have been so many times,
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  Speaker 1: especially God in texting communication, where I have been sitting
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  Speaker 1: there asking myself, what should I say, how should I respond?
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  Speaker 1: What should I do if I do this? Are they
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  Speaker 1: going to react? Why? Or whatever analogy you want to
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  Speaker 1: throw into the mix. The reality here, the right person
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  Speaker 1: in your life that should stay in your life is
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  Speaker 1: going to stay because they like who you are, not
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  Speaker 1: someone that you are pretending to be. And if you're
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  Speaker 1: so busy pretending to be this like perfect human because
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  Speaker 1: you think that they're interested in this kind of person,
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  Speaker 1: in the long run, that's going to be really exhausting.
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  Speaker 1: You have to stay true to who you are. You
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  Speaker 1: again have to put yourself first. And when you do
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  Speaker 1: that and when you are authentic to you, that is
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  Speaker 1: when the right partner is going to stick around. Next lesson,
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  Speaker 1: it is going to be hard to clear the bench.
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  Speaker 1: You've gotta do it. I'm not gonna lie. There was
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  Speaker 1: a long time where I felt like there were people
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  Speaker 1: in my life that there were a lot of loose
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  Speaker 1: ends with, so to speak. There were a lot of
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  Speaker 1: individuals who I had relationships with previously, and for some
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  Speaker 1: reason we were still maintaining semi regular communication. And what
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  Speaker 1: I didn't necessarily realize at this time, but I recognize
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  Speaker 1: now in retrospect, was that these friendships that maybe felt
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  Speaker 1: like a little bit more than friendships, even if they
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  Speaker 1: were just texting or random phone calls or what have you,
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  Speaker 1: they weren't helping me move on to find something new instead.
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  Speaker 1: Not because I thought that there was dramatic potential with
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  Speaker 1: these individuals, but because I had them around, I wasn't
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  Speaker 1: completely open to the universe, open to a new partner.
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  Speaker 1: So is clearing the bench, as I like to put it, difficult?
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  Speaker 1: Of course, it's difficult. These relationships. They feel comfortable, they
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  Speaker 1: feel reassuring. I get it. But you owe it to
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  Speaker 1: yourself to let go so you can be available to
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  Speaker 1: whatever it is that the universe really wants to throw
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  Speaker 1: your way. And my last huge takeaway that I'm going
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  Speaker 1: to offer today, when it comes to important lessons I've
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  Speaker 1: learned from being single and dating in my thirties, solid
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  Speaker 1: friendships are diamonds in the rough. I think I've touched
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  Speaker 1: on this before. Making friends as you get older is difficult,
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  Speaker 1: and making friends that you can rely on as you
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  Speaker 1: get older is so important, especially if you are navigating
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  Speaker 1: this time. I'll bite for now by yourself. And I
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  Speaker 1: say this because it doesn't matter if those friends are
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  Speaker 1: single or attached, finding people that you can be honest
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  Speaker 1: and open with when it comes to everything from like
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  Speaker 1: that random potential partner you eyed on the streets, to
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  Speaker 1: being open about like the negatives and positives from a date,
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  Speaker 1: or even talking about that person that you hope to
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  Speaker 1: get off of the bench. Feel stuck in this tumultuous relationship.
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  Speaker 1: I mean, there are so many scenarios that you just
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  Speaker 1: need someone to talk to honestly who's not going to
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  Speaker 1: judge you. And that's why solid friendships are just so
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  Speaker 1: so important. Especially it feels like as someone who is single,
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  Speaker 1: you need to have that person or the people that
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  Speaker 1: you can rely on, the people that you can lean
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  Speaker 1: into when you're feeling lonely. And trust me, I get
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  Speaker 1: it that happens, and it's frustrating, and I've been there,
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  Speaker 1: and you are not alone at all in that feeling.
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  Speaker 1: But the last thing that I need to reiterate to
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  Speaker 1: you is that you can't just continually look for this
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  Speaker 1: thing for yourself. Instead, you need to spend this time
• 12:50
  Speaker 1: investing in you, following the things that you desire that
• 12:55
  Speaker 1: might not have anything to do with romance, but rather
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  Speaker 1: just you being your best self because you are great
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  Speaker 1: as you are. I've been there, you know. I've sat
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  Speaker 1: in my bedroom with tears in my eyes and wondered
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  Speaker 1: why it's not happening or what I'm doing wrong. But
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  Speaker 1: at the end of the day, what I have come
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  Speaker 1: to realize, with all of this time alone, with all
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  Speaker 1: of this time single in my thirties, is that I
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  Speaker 1: am so much better right this very minute, right now.
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  Speaker 1: I'm so much more ready now than I ever could
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  Speaker 1: have been years ago for that special thing. And you
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  Speaker 1: know what, I'm grateful that I haven't found it yet.
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  Speaker 1: Who a vulnerable episode coming off a crazy day to
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  Speaker 1: get me to really open up to you, guys. I hope,
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  Speaker 1: I hope this resonates with you, and again, I hope
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  Speaker 1: you own your value because you've got a lot of it.
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  Speaker 1: At Hurdle Podcast at Emily a Body, Another hurdle conquered.
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  Speaker 1: Catch you guys next time.