Latest / RiseUp - Live Joy Your Way / Boundaries as Fences, Not Walls
Transcript
- Kamini Wood: Hi there. Welcome to another episode of Rise Up Live Joy Your Way, whether it's morning, afternoon, or evening. Thank you for taking some time outta your day to spend with me, and today we're diving back into the topic that I truly believe is essential for healthy relationships and personal peace, and that is boundaries. I don't think that we can talk enough about boundaries. I think it's, it tends to be misunderstood. I think also. [00:01:00] Boundaries scare a lot of people. Boundaries themselves often I think, are misunderstood as walls or pushing people away, or keeping people out. But in reality, I believe that boundaries are guidelines that we can set to not only show others how we wish to be treated, but they're also helpful for us. Our self boundaries to create a sense of self-respect as well as recognizing what is okay with us and what isn't. Now, I absolutely have struggled with boundaries. I am definitely a recovering people pleaser. I had spent years avoiding tough conversations. I would say yes when I really needed to say no, and then of course resentment would build up. But I thought that boundaries will mean honestly. I mean, if I'm gonna call myself out. I absolutely thought that boundaries were were rude and that they were mean, and really my own self work and just the work that I have now [00:02:00] really gotten into with my clients is recognizing that boundaries are more like, they're more like fences, right? They're not Walls. Walls would say, I'm going to, I'm, I'm. Cutting you off. For me, a boundary is more like a fence where I'm basically saying, this is the line I can, I can see, I can see through the fence, I can talk over the fence. I can walk in and out of the fence, and I can also move a fence. But the point here is, is that boundaries are not being mean. They're actually being really respectful of yourself and the other person, and they are a way to actually connect and to build a deeper, more healthy relationship. I mean, if you were honest with yourself. I wanna ask, like, have you ever felt drained or maybe even resentful or frustrated after an interaction? If those came up, there's a chance that a boundary either was crossed or it was never clearly set. And it's because oftentimes we feel like boundaries are super scary and we, we choose not to actually set them. So, uh, I wanna offer you my [00:03:00] framework or I said that I call them fences. My framework for fence, uh, for boundaries is fences. It's focus on your needs so you know what you need. Clearly express them kindly. Not meanly, not rudely, but we can express 'em. Kindly navigate expectations, transparently clarify consequences. If boundaries are not respected, ensure consistency by in reinforcing your boundaries. And then we stay grounded and calm during the conversation. So for example, if you, there's a work colleague that repeatedly interrupts. Your, your focused work time instead of lashing out, which is one option, or staying silent and just ignoring it and having your resentment build up. You could actually potentially say, you know, I'm noticing I, I really do need uninterrupted time to finish this project, and I would respect that during these hours. I'm not interrupted. That's not, that's not mean, that's direct. That's [00:04:00] really paying attention to what it is that you need and communicating it to the other person. Here's the caveat that I will say setting these boundaries, yes, it can be scary, and yes, people may have a negative response to it because when we set a boundary with people that we haven't had a boundary with before, they're going to have a reaction because they're a human being as well. The key here is that most people, once we set that boundary, even after they've had their response and they've had time to digest it, they will also engage in some type of communication with you. And oftentimes that's when that healthy communication can happen, where maybe there's negotiation around the boundary, maybe not, but we're, we're actually acknowledging it. It's the people that are in your life that don't respect that boundary. And have an adverse reaction to it and aren't willing to accept your boundary. Those are the people that were, that were benefiting from your lack of boundary in the very first place. And as hard as it may be, [00:05:00] those might be the relationships where you have to pause and ask yourself, is this relationship one that I wanna continue? Is it healthy for me? Just as that one caveat that I wanna say, I don't wanna ignore that because. You know, I don't wanna sit here and say boundaries are super easy and you just have to say this one simple thing and it's all gonna be fine. It is true that it can be nerve wracking and people may have an adverse reaction to it. But I'm also here to say that the boundaries are not just for them to understand, they're for you, but they're also for the ability to have a healthier dynamic with those people. And so I would also say that, you know, maybe if there's some big boundaries that you haven't set, I. That you wanna set, maybe instead of dump, jumping into that big boundary practice with setting small boundaries daily. Right? Start with something small that you're noticing you, you would like a boundary around and start practicing with that and start building up so that you're building up that muscle. Uh, because if people don't know what your boundaries [00:06:00] are, they can't really respect them, right? So like for me, if I, you know, I used to routinely just say yes to things and then I would get frustrated. I. That people, they wouldn't know how much that I was giving. But really I needed to set a boundary around my time. You know, they couldn't respect my time if they didn't know I had a boundary around my time because I wasn't communicating it to them. But once I'm able to communicate it, and now that I do communicate it people, those in my life that have and want the relationship with me, they're able to respect that. And sure, there are people that. Were benefiting from me always saying yes to them. Before that, once I started recognizing that I only have a certain amount of time to give and started communicating my boundaries around time, and they weren't willing to adjust to that, some of those relationships did have to fall off because those, those relationships were no longer healthy for me. Communicating your boundary does create a pathway for those healthier interactions and those deeper connections with [00:07:00] people. So again, it's really important, and I'll continue to talk about this time and time again, that boundaries are not walls, they're not barriers, they're actually these bridges that we can create and and communicate in order to build these more authentic, respectful, connected relationships. If you're finding that you are struggling setting boundaries or un you know, wanna get curious about how, how coaching can actually support you on the journey to understand what those needs are that you have and what is okay and what's not okay. And then how to communicate those boundaries. By all means, feel free to reach out to me at any time with coach with Kamini.com and until next time, stay well.