Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #829 The Power of Intention

Transcript

#829 The Power of Intention · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

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  Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast. It's the podcast for the
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  Speaker 1: time poor parent who just wants answers.
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  Speaker 2: Now, might I'll do Better Tomorrow? Is really just going
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  Speaker 2: back to that idea of being a part of the village. Yes,
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  Speaker 2: you know, if we want people to be a part
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  Speaker 2: of our village, what part do we play in other
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  Speaker 2: people's villages?
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  Speaker 1: And now here's the stars of our show, my mom
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  Speaker 1: and dad.
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  Speaker 3: Before we start today's podcast. No, this is not an ad.
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  Speaker 3: This is me saying before we start today's podcast. This
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  Speaker 3: is the podcast we've actually started. I don't know what
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  Speaker 3: I'm saying. My dad's birthdays today, So happy birthday, Dad.
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  Speaker 3: I'm excited for you. I hope you have a great day.
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  Speaker 3: And I have the list of the podcast so that
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  Speaker 3: you know that I've said happy birthday just in case.
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  Speaker 2: Don't care.
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  Speaker 4: I don't because things get.
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  Speaker 3: Busy sometimes, all right, Kylie, Every Friday, I love I'll
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  Speaker 3: Do Better Tomorrow.
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  Speaker 4: I think this is my favorite podcast. We get to
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  Speaker 4: do it every week.
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  Speaker 3: It's a bit personal. We dive into our lives. We
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  Speaker 3: reflect on what we've been doing with our kids, what's working,
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  Speaker 3: what's not, what we're trying so hard to get right,
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  Speaker 3: and essentially we're talking about what we'll do better tomorrow,
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  Speaker 3: how we can be more intentional in our parenting to
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  Speaker 3: make our family function better.
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  Speaker 4: Kylie, I've thought long and hard about what i want
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  Speaker 4: to talk about today, and I'm going to go first.
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  Speaker 3: You've always finished with so much heart, you make everyone cry,
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  Speaker 3: You've always got such great things to say, So I'm
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  Speaker 3: just going to dive straight.
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  Speaker 4: Into it, all right.
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  Speaker 3: What's the others I travel? We don't make any secrets
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  Speaker 3: of this. We talk about it probably a little bit
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  Speaker 3: too often on the podcast. I travel a lot for work,
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  Speaker 3: and I've been gone. So I've been back for two
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  Speaker 3: days or a day and a half. I've been gone
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  Speaker 3: for like the last ten days. There's been so much travel.
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  Speaker 3: I've been all over the place, Bunderberg, Melbourne, the Gold Coast, Adelaide,
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  Speaker 3: Like I can't even remember where I've been a lot
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  Speaker 3: of travel, and that comes at a cost. I remember
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  Speaker 3: when COVID hit and I essentially had two years at
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  Speaker 3: home and I just thought, Oh, this is heaven. I'd
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  Speaker 3: love to never travel again. But I do the travel
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  Speaker 3: because I love the work that I do, and because
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  Speaker 3: it makes a differentference. The number of people who were
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  Speaker 3: able to touch and help as a result of the
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  Speaker 3: talks that I give. It's just something that I can
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  Speaker 3: never give up because it makes such a difference, but
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  Speaker 3: it does come at a price, and that price is
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  Speaker 3: time with our family. I'm really excited, though, because you're
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  Speaker 3: about to go away for a short while. I'm going
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  Speaker 3: to be at home with the kids. I've got full responsibility.
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  Speaker 3: I'm totally the parent, and I've started with completely wholehearted
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  Speaker 3: involvement already since I've been home in the last day
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  Speaker 3: and a half, completely involved, and it's been so so great.
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  Speaker 3: Like just yesterday morning, walking into the kitchen and cooking
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  Speaker 3: bricky with and for the kids. It was so much
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  Speaker 3: fun to bump into them, give them hugs, high fives,
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  Speaker 3: make their breakfast, talk to them about their day. It
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  Speaker 3: felt beautiful, and I just thought, so often parents are
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  Speaker 3: screaming saying the kids are driving me insane in the morning.
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  Speaker 4: I don't know how to do this stuff.
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  Speaker 3: And it just reminded me of the power of presence,
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  Speaker 3: the power of being completely focused, fully intentional, and just
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  Speaker 3: being there with them, not even doing it all for them,
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  Speaker 3: but just being there with them and gently guiding them
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  Speaker 3: through the morning. And having fun in your conversation. It
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  Speaker 3: was beautiful.
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  Speaker 2: Well, it gave me the opportunity to have a little
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  Speaker 2: bit of a breathe yesterday morning, because doing exercise can
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  Speaker 2: be really tricky when you're not around.
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  Speaker 3: Yeah, you're you're doing the single parent thing. So the
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  Speaker 3: support of another parent makes a big difference.
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  Speaker 2: And so I went for my run first up, and
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  Speaker 2: I didn't get a phone call. Yeah, and I was like,
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  Speaker 2: you know what, I'm going to go sit down at
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  Speaker 2: the rock and just you know, have a few minutes
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  Speaker 2: to just.
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  Speaker 3: Breathe, thinking maybe Justin is more competent than I've given him.
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  Speaker 3: I know he's written the books, but I'm the one
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  Speaker 3: that does it all.
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  Speaker 4: He can do this, And so I did.
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  Speaker 2: I spent a few minutes of just downtime and it
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  Speaker 2: was so good and I came home and everything was
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  Speaker 2: under control, and it just it makes such a difference.
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  Speaker 3: I think that there's a second message there in this
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  Speaker 3: conversation that is, not only is it wonderful as a parent,
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  Speaker 3: and especially for dads. I mean it's Father's Day coming
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  Speaker 3: up in a couple of weeks, right, especially for dads.
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  Speaker 3: Wherever you can get to work a bit later be
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  Speaker 3: there in the morning, be present for the kids and
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  Speaker 3: really be involved in healthy, positive ways, getting ready with them,
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  Speaker 3: guiding them, getting them to do whatever they can on
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  Speaker 3: their own. But with your gentle support, it makes such
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  Speaker 3: a difference and it takes the weight off Mum. Of course,
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  Speaker 3: we're talking about the standard nuclear family here. People who
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  Speaker 3: have other family configurations. The same principle applies to other things.
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  Speaker 3: Just on this whole intentional presence. I was able to
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  Speaker 3: spend some time playing in the yard with the kids,
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  Speaker 3: a bit of volleyball, bit of frisbee, and again just
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  Speaker 3: twenty or thirty minutes of that sort of play, and
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  Speaker 3: I felt so fulfilled. I really, It's such an incredibly
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  Speaker 3: beautiful feeling. And I can't, for the life of me
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  Speaker 3: understand why some parents don't want to do this so
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  Speaker 3: they want to leave it all to the other parent.
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  Speaker 4: It feels so good to do it. I just love it.
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  Speaker 3: I know that you've been go for some bike rides
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  Speaker 3: in the afternoon with the kids, squeezing fifteen or twenty
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  Speaker 3: minutes in here and there. I'm gonna guess it's the
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  Speaker 3: same thing for you, just that time where it's carefree,
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  Speaker 3: you're not worried about all the things that have to
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  Speaker 3: be done.
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  Speaker 4: You're just in the moment. Yeah.
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  Speaker 2: I think the thing that really jumps out at me
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  Speaker 2: is just when I'm going to say we become selfish
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  Speaker 2: with our time as adults. There's so many things to do,
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  Speaker 2: and selfish probably might not be the right word because
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  Speaker 2: I'm busy doing the laundry or I'm.
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  Speaker 3: Challenged with other priorities. Maybe that's a better word than selfish.
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  Speaker 3: Although you know what, sometimes the phone is out, sometimes
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  Speaker 3: the iPad's on. Sometimes there is that little bit of
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  Speaker 3: I just want some downtime, and that's the unhealthiest way
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  Speaker 3: to get the downtime, by the way, but that's often
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  Speaker 3: what we go to because it's easy.
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  Speaker 2: But as a result, if I don't invest in those relationships,
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  Speaker 2: the connections are severed in some ways, and if they're
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  Speaker 2: not completely severed, they're really strained. And it's hard for
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  Speaker 2: the kids to know where to come because it just
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  Speaker 2: looks like Mum's always busy, Dad's always busy, and so
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  Speaker 2: just make in the little tweaks to our afternoons to
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  Speaker 2: spend a few extra minutes. I've noticed that the girls,
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  Speaker 2: they're coming to me a lot more just for a hug, yeah,
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  Speaker 2: you know, just to have.
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  Speaker 4: The out of the touch.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, literally, just to kind of have a hug. Whereas before,
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  Speaker 2: when I was kind of feeling a little bit more
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  Speaker 2: time for and wasn't putting the energy into them, they
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  Speaker 2: did never come for a hug.
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  Speaker 4: Yep, yep, yep. So that's my older better tomorrow.
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  Speaker 3: It's the power of intention, the power of presence, the
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  Speaker 3: power of actually being there and really being focused.
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  Speaker 4: And I'm super excited for the next few days.
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  Speaker 3: I can't wait to get the house in order, get
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  Speaker 3: those meals cooked, pull out the meal list, and be
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  Speaker 3: the perfect parent while you have a few days off
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  Speaker 3: and get some mum time.
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  Speaker 4: What's your old do better tomorrow?
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  Speaker 2: A handful of months ago, I had a conversation with Chanell.
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  Speaker 2: She'd been out with her friends.
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  Speaker 3: She's our eldest daughter for those of you who are
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  Speaker 3: unfamiliar with our family, and.
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  Speaker 2: I happened to bump into them while I was out
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  Speaker 2: and about. We had a quick exchange and I headed
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  Speaker 2: off on my errands and they went and had a
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  Speaker 2: great time. But later in the afternoon she rang and
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  Speaker 2: talked to me and was acknowledging that she felt like,
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  Speaker 2: I was really distant and I just wasn't my usual happy, engaging,
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  Speaker 2: welcoming self with her new friends. And she was feeling
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  Speaker 2: a bit upset about it, and so we talked about
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  Speaker 2: it a little bit more, and I said, I said,
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  Speaker 2: I want you to think about your friends specifically, and
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  Speaker 2: think about your childhood friends, and then think about these
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  Speaker 2: new friends, and can you see any difference. And she
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  Speaker 2: kind of thought about it for a little bit, and
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  Speaker 2: she was like, well, yeah, you were really close to
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  Speaker 2: my friends when I was younger. And I said, what
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  Speaker 2: do you think, what do you think the difference is.
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  Speaker 2: So she's been living out of our home now for
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  Speaker 2: more than five years, living her own life, socializing with
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  Speaker 2: her friends. They're not coming back to my house for
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  Speaker 2: afternoon tea. They're not coming back for a sleeper.
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  Speaker 4: You've never met them. I haven't met that.
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  Speaker 3: So when you're bumping them on the street, they're are
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  Speaker 3: random year old that just happens to be friends with
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  Speaker 3: our daughter.
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  Speaker 2: And so she had kind of built this up in
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  Speaker 2: her head about all of the reasons why I possibly
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  Speaker 2: was not being nice to her friends in her mind,
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  Speaker 2: and it wasn't until I reconnected her with the friends
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  Speaker 2: that I do know and I am still in contact
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  Speaker 2: with in spite of the fact that they no longer
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  Speaker 2: come to my house every weekend. And it kind of
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  Speaker 2: was a bit of an eye opener for her. She
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  Speaker 2: was like, Oh, I said, I haven't met your friends, darling.
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  Speaker 2: I don't spend time with them. I said, So, if
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  Speaker 2: you want me to be engaged with them, I said,
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  Speaker 2: they need to be in my space. Give me the
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  Speaker 2: opportunity to be the person you want me to be
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  Speaker 2: in their lives, which.
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  Speaker 3: Isn't going to happen because she's moved out and she's
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  Speaker 3: living her own life and her friends aren't coming over
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  Speaker 3: to our house now, like different place, different friends, the
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  Speaker 3: whole thing.
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  Speaker 2: So a few weekends ago, we celebrated the upcoming baby
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  Speaker 2: with a baby shower and I had her old friends
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  Speaker 2: come from all over the place. They flew, they drove
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  Speaker 2: all to be here to celebrate this beautiful miracle in
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  Speaker 2: our lives. So there was a mixture of family, old
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  Speaker 2: friends who I knew, loved and adored, and knew friends
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  Speaker 2: who I hadn't met and what I loved is A
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  Speaker 2: couple of weeks ago, on the podcast, we talked about
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  Speaker 2: this idea of the village, yes, and I wasn't expecting it,
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  Speaker 2: but I was absolutely overcome with emotion as I sat
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  Speaker 2: there with all of these people who are just adorable
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  Speaker 2: and have loved our daughter for different reasons and in
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  Speaker 2: different ways and for different lengths of time, but they've
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  Speaker 2: all come together to celebrate her. And she said to
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  Speaker 2: me at the end of it, she was like, kind
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  Speaker 2: of felt like my wedding day. They were literally there.
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  Speaker 4: For me, like just me.
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  Speaker 2: There wasn't even a baby yet, you know, like it
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  Speaker 2: was just it blew her mind. But what I loved
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  Speaker 2: was that I got to catch up with some of
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  Speaker 2: her school high school friends, and a few of them
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  Speaker 2: still call me mum, Like they just came up and
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  Speaker 2: gave me the biggest hug and were celebrating with me.
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  Speaker 2: I so excited to see, you know, them grow and
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  Speaker 2: change and to be able to talk with them about
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  Speaker 2: the things that are important in their lives.
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  Speaker 3: Well all they were the ones who came to our
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  Speaker 3: house and they ate around our dinner table and we
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  Speaker 3: played games until late in the night with them playing
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  Speaker 3: I don't know, card games, all sleepovers, and I told
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  Speaker 3: them they had to go to sleep, and we celebrated.
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  Speaker 4: Their birthdays and pulled out cakes and they swim it out.
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  Speaker 2: Out of my windows.
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  Speaker 4: That's right.
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  Speaker 3: But we had those memories with them, We have that experience,
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  Speaker 3: so it must have been nice to catch up.
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  Speaker 2: It was beautiful. My old do better Tomorrow is really
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  Speaker 2: just going back to that idea of being a part
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  Speaker 2: of the village. Yes, you know, if we want people
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  Speaker 2: to be a part of our village, what part do
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  Speaker 2: we play in other people's villages?
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  Speaker 1: You know?
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  Speaker 2: This experience of having these girls coming back into my
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  Speaker 2: home was just such a delight. And to know that
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  Speaker 2: in some small way I had contributed to helping them
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  Speaker 2: feel safe, loved and secure, feeling valued, seen, heard all
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  Speaker 2: of those things, and that they knew that I was
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  Speaker 2: a safe place to come back to was just so adorable.
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  Speaker 3: It makes me think of that saying that I always share,
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  Speaker 3: and that is that to a child, love is spelled time.
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  Speaker 3: So we've spent the time with them, which means they
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  Speaker 3: felt loved, and that means that ten years down the
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  Speaker 3: track or eight years down the track, when they do
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  Speaker 3: catch up with this, even if it is interstate, there's
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  Speaker 3: just a joy because of the time that was spent.
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  Speaker 3: It's that whole you said connections, seene Herd value just
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  Speaker 3: I say this all the time of my presentation. It's
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  Speaker 3: just like dollars of the currency of our economy, connection
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  Speaker 3: is the currency of our relationships. If we want our
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  Speaker 3: children to thrive and if we want to have thriving
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  Speaker 3: communities and relationships, we've got to build connections. That's that's
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  Speaker 3: the message that I'm really hearing you you share.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, it's just it's so it's magical, it feels magical.
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  Speaker 3: So I'm just thinking about this from a because a
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  Speaker 3: lot of the parents who listen to our podcast are
• 11:52
  Speaker 3: not dealing with mid twenties children who are having their
• 11:54
  Speaker 3: own babies now they're dealing with.
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  Speaker 2: So they're back, They're back where I walk back there.
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  Speaker 3: And that's the point when you've got your seven year
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  Speaker 3: old or your sixteen year old the power of bringing
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  Speaker 3: their friends into your home, the power of bringing them
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  Speaker 3: in and giving them the opportunity to experience life in
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  Speaker 3: your home and your family and build that relationship. That's
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  Speaker 3: you'll see the fruit of it there and then, although
• 12:17
  Speaker 3: sometimes it might not be a very ripe fruit, but
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  Speaker 3: all these years down the track, you can see the benefits,
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  Speaker 3: the impact that it actually.
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  Speaker 2: Had I love it.
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  Speaker 3: Well, Hey, we really hope that there's been an uplifting
• 12:28
  Speaker 3: and helpful conversation for you. We hope that it helps
• 12:30
  Speaker 3: to make your family happier. The Happy Family's podcast is
• 12:33
  Speaker 3: produced by Justin Roland from Bridge Medium. Craig Bruce is
• 12:35
  Speaker 3: our executive producer. On Monday, I just want to quickly
• 12:37
  Speaker 3: mention Monday, we've got a free webinar for you. Oh
• 12:40
  Speaker 3: hang on, it's not free. The free one is actually
• 12:43
  Speaker 3: on Thursday of next week. I'm going to talk about it.
• 12:46
  Speaker 3: Do you have a free one coming up?
• 12:47
  Speaker 4: Monday?
• 12:47
  Speaker 3: Is not free unless you're a Happy Family's member. Then
• 12:49
  Speaker 3: it's included in your membership and it's a really it's
• 12:53
  Speaker 3: kind of free.
• 12:53
  Speaker 4: It's talking about parent well.
• 12:55
  Speaker 3: Being because this is one of the big, big, big
• 12:58
  Speaker 3: issues and it affects our ability be parents. We're talking
• 13:01
  Speaker 3: about that on Monday morning on the podcast and then
• 13:04
  Speaker 3: on Monday night the webinar. If you're not a Happy
• 13:06
  Speaker 3: Family's member, you can pay for the webinar at thirty
• 13:09
  Speaker 3: five bucks or become a member for eighteen dollars a
• 13:12
  Speaker 3: month and three months.
• 13:15
  Speaker 4: I think you'll love it.
• 13:16
  Speaker 3: Big conversation, important conversation, talking about parent wellbeing. That's happening
• 13:20
  Speaker 3: on Monday morning on the podcast and then the actual
• 13:23
  Speaker 3: webinar that night. Can't wait to see they have a
• 13:26
  Speaker 3: great weekend and make sure you get some of that
• 13:28
  Speaker 3: time with your kids.