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Ficus Times at Ridgemont High · Very Fine Friends

0:00
so there's a FedEx in a shopping plaza that's near me that I go on that plaza fairly frequently
0:24
And this FedEx is fascinating to me because its clientele seems to be women between the age of 30 and 50 who are good looking women and they all drive nice cars.
0:42
Okay.
0:43
Like I sit in the parking lot.
0:45
With binoculars?
0:46
No, right there.
0:49
I yell a wooga.
0:49
No, but it's like the women that come out of there, it's like 75% of the people that are there are like good looking rich women at a FedEx at a just normal shopping plaza.
1:04
Isn't that weird?
1:04
Doesn't that strike you as very odd that it's not more like normal people?
1:08
What are these women shipping?
1:11
These sound like hot stepmoms near me.
1:14
they're probably
1:15
mailing
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their ugly first husbands
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for alimony
1:21
but they also have enough money
1:23
why are they doing the shipping
1:25
well don't you know it's also that FedEx
1:27
has hot delivery drivers
1:29
and attractive women
1:31
who drive nice cars
1:32
all fantasize about hooking up with
1:35
hot delivery drivers
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I bet you if you were to go into that store in the back
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they had a room with a delivery van in it
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so
1:42
they had the van in the room yeah just to help fulfill some fantasies yeah uh uh someone that i
1:50
was i was at that parking lot today and someone that i was with was like man if i was a poonhound
1:59
i would work at that fedex like yes you would you were driving around with my dad
2:05
oh my god if dennis gets a job there the line's gonna be around the block
2:12
um yeah wow i know it's it's very odd to me because it's like i'll just like sit there and
2:20
just be like just watch for like a few minutes and it's like what's going on you know i have
2:26
another angle on this you probably haven't considered what's that you were there too
2:29
you know what that means i didn't go into the fedex okay so you're hot curious yes i know i'm
2:39
worried that i that i would go into that fedex and i'd be like no i'm the ugliest one here no
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they would all part for you yeah and someone would hold open the door and you'd see the driver like
2:49
beckoning you from the van right well no but if he saw me leave my toyota corolla i don't think
2:57
he'd be no you gotta have an acura or higher actually no if he saw you he'd be like we don't
3:03
always have to follow the rules yeah and some rules are made to be broken so what if there's
3:11
a whole other like fedex like the fedex drivers are sick of the hot women so they go somewhere
3:17
where there's just average looking women that they get to have sex with um another location
3:22
you mean because if there's a hot location there's got to be like a well like no the women have the
3:26
fedex where they go and there's the room that has the van and the so where do the fedex drivers go
3:31
oh when they just want to get there's a room with a toyota corolla in it
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yeah that's probably just go home
3:39
yeah hey honey hey average honey you're my fantasy disappoint me baby i mean
3:48
as long you know i guess there's nothing wrong with it as long as there's a bunch of consenting
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adults that are doing this into FedEx.
3:59
I don't have a problem with it,
4:01
but it just is odd.
4:03
Because I mean,
4:04
there's a UPS store that I go to
4:07
to drop off my Amazon returns.
4:09
What's the clientele like there?
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Normal. Regular.
4:13
And I would argue that
4:15
this UPS store is in a nicer
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part of town.
4:20
The sexier part
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of town. It's the sexier part of town.
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Sometimes that's enough.
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Yeah, I don't know.
4:30
I'm not a doctor.
4:31
I just wanted to put it out there.
4:34
Listeners, if you want to know where this FedEx is,
4:36
if you are in the market for a lady of means who's attractive.
4:46
I have actually one friend I think I should be telling about this FedEx.
4:51
That's the friend I thought was with you in the car.
4:53
No, no.
4:54
uh no he would have just left the car and gone into fedex um no but you can um send us a dm us
5:04
on social media at very fine friends speaking of which welcome to very fine friends i said that
5:12
kind of weird it's not like very fine friends very fine friends um how are you francis i mean
5:19
yeah i'm not as good as a fedex driver in the next best part of town but i'm doing okay fedex
5:28
driver next to a pot belly but but you're doing pretty good i just picture that's what someone
5:34
describes them if they were saying next to me that's what the fedex driver it's like it's he
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he's at work and he's next to a pop belly he goes home to his average wife he's next to a pot belly
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Like, he's surrounded by it.
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Yeah.
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Isn't that a terrible name for a restaurant?
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I like pot belly.
5:54
The sandwiches are good.
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But why be like, you're going to get fat if you eat this?
6:00
At least they're honest.
6:02
Yeah.
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Like, would you go to a restaurant called Dump Truck Ass?
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Kind of.
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Kind of.
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It's probably pretty good food.
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I mean, I'm good for a joke.
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Like when I see like a Thai or like a pho place and it's like a pun, I'm like, I want to go.
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Yeah.
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There's one that was unforgettable.
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I'm like, you deserve to have me try your soup.
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Did you try it?
6:29
No.
6:29
Was it forgettable?
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I was en route to another location.
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Yeah.
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I was with someone else.
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Oh.
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They already decided on a place.
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What was I going to do?
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I'd be like, I saw a pun.
6:41
Please.
6:42
I got to go.
6:42
Go back.
6:43
quick interruption every week on the podcast we do something where our producer joe gives
6:51
francis and i each our own secret word throughout the course of the podcast we need to find a way
6:59
to slip the secret word into our conversation without the other person noticing if the other
7:04
person can correctly guess the secret word they get a point and right before we die we add up all
7:12
points. And then we get a prize, whoever has the most points for guessing the most secret words.
7:19
Here's Joe with today's secret words. Jenna's secret word is consenting. Jenna's decoy word
7:27
is 14. Francis's secret word is Einstein. Francis's decoy word is masturbation. Back to the pod.
7:37
you know what i'd like to do i think i have an idea let's hear it i'd like to hear the invention
7:45
of the week inventions oh i was way off what did you what did you think i'm just joshing you
7:56
oh you want an invention yeah you want an invention i'll give you an invention yeah
8:02
okay
8:04
here it is okay you know how
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traffic sucks oh i do know that you know how i had a previous invention that helped people move
8:17
around town but it was maybe not so practical your uh catapult ball yeah thing yeah yeah
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Yeah.
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I hit the drawing board.
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I have a new solution.
8:31
You know how it would be cool if we could ride a train to work if it got you there fast?
8:34
Yes, I do know that.
8:37
Is your seatbelt buckled?
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Because you're about to fly out of that thing.
8:41
Okay.
8:42
Here's my invention.
8:43
Into traffic.
8:44
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
8:45
Okay.
8:46
Here it is.
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I was thinking about this today while I was in traffic.
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if if you
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here we go if you could get in you know how sometimes like in the tube or you know on the
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subway like there's a lot of people in the tube like a jolly old jolly old bridget jones's tube
9:15
yeah yeah so there could be a lot of people standing next to each other right yeah so here
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I mean, here's where it gets cool.
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You get in.
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Okay?
9:23
You are, you're standing.
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You stay standing.
9:25
Okay.
9:25
You hold on to the ropey thing.
9:28
And you're in like a, like a train shaped container.
9:32
Okay?
9:33
Yeah.
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And then a helicopter picks it up and drives it across town and sets it down.
9:42
With other people in it?
9:44
Yeah.
9:45
It's a bunch of people.
9:46
It's like a subway.
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it's a subway for the sky.
9:50
It's a...
9:52
What's Latin for above?
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Superway.
9:54
That's it.
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The superway.
9:58
Okay.
10:01
I'm assuming they're going to have to be stops
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like a train.
10:06
Mm-hmm.
10:07
Okay.
10:09
Yeah.
10:09
So
10:10
they're still kind of far apart,
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I'm assuming.
10:15
You can't have them like...
10:17
So there's still a lot of commuting going on.
10:22
It works just like a train, except for a helicopter carries it.
10:26
Yeah, the super way.
10:28
Yeah.
10:29
What's the benefit?
10:31
What's the benefit of having the helicopter carry it if it's just taking you to fixed points like a train would?
10:40
Why not have it just be on rails?
10:41
You basically invented something between a puddle jumper and a bus.
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which there's clearly a need for.
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And the reason it's better is because, look, let's face facts.
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They're not going to lay down tracks for a subway or a big train.
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They're just not going to do it.
11:00
They've had time.
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They've shown us they're not going to do it.
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So we need to pick up the slack and do our own thing.
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We must take to the sky.
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We're away.
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what what weight capacity can a helicopter handle
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5 000 pounds okay so how much is this train itself weigh i wouldn't be surprised if a train car
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weighs close to 5 000 pounds well i did just pull that number out of nowhere so it could be more
11:36
Okay.
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Joe will look it up.
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And while we're talking about this, I mean, yes, it's not going to go from,
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although it could go for just a couple of miles.
11:45
Listen, it's just like a bus system.
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Some of them are dropped.
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You go to the one where it's taking you where you want to go.
11:50
Oh, I need to go five miles away?
11:51
You get on this one.
11:52
Oh, I need to go across town?
11:53
You get on this one.
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But I haven't told you the most exciting part.
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Okay.
11:58
You know how people are scared of falling from the sky?
12:01
Yes, I do know that.
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if there was any sort of issue,
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the helicopter could let the train go.
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The train has a couple of parachutes
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that will deploy, but also...
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Like Operation Dumbo drop?
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Yes.
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Yes, but also there's more.
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Because you're in an enclosed space.
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The cabin.
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So, you know how they say on planes,
12:20
like, oh, an oxygen mask will fall down
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and you'll be okay?
12:24
You'll be okay, kid, as they say.
12:26
Yeah.
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Little mouth tubes drop
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so that you can breathe oxygen
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because the whole cabin is going to fill the proprietary hardening foam
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that squeezes in between everyone so that if there is impact,
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you're like in a gelatinous foam where it takes most of the shock.
12:49
Okay.
12:50
And you're breathing in the air tube.
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So all these air tubes coming out the top.
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You better suck on it, yeah.
12:56
And then how long does it take to get out?
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and and how many people have had a panic attack because they're trapped in this gelatinous foam
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with just a breathing tube well keep in mind this is a rare event okay so um
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parachutes deploy from the train car presumably to as gently as possible lower it yeah um
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then the thing also fills with foam very quickly yes but you also have to put
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the tube in really quickly what if somebody misses the tube they have a 10 second window
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okay what you know how then the airplane they always say do your mask first and then a child
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yeah like what if there's not enough time to be like and then baby and then the baby
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doesn't know what's happening and uh there are risks in life this is one of those risks
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you would need two of the world's
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largest helicopters
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to carry one average
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size passenger train
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just a train or a train
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car train car
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okay
14:04
okay that makes
14:07
my invention all the richer
14:08
beautiful isn it the sight of two helicopters side by side investors if you listening and we know you are What about just helicopters that take you from place to place
14:23
Well, that can only take a couple of people.
14:25
We're trying to, you know, help multiple.
14:29
The masses?
14:30
Yeah, the masses.
14:31
Okay.
14:35
What about the potential for...
14:38
You're not going to have very many stops because all these helicopters would be hitting each other, going from place to place in the air.
14:44
Wouldn't they?
14:45
No.
14:46
Oh, okay.
14:47
The training is...
14:49
You looked at me like I was an idiot.
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They will be told specifically during their onboarding that that's not allowed and don't do it.
14:55
They will be shown a VHS in their half-day training that says don't hit other helicopters.
15:03
Well, the helicopters are...
15:04
See what we're doing is we're going to weld two of those helicopters together side by side with enough space so that the propellers, the blades never hit each other.
15:14
Or it could be one in the front and one in the back.
15:18
I like the idea of welding two helicopters together, though.
15:23
We don't talk about it enough, that's for sure.
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Let's go back to the foam.
15:27
the edge what about can you invent some kind of proprietary technology that makes
15:34
everybody and the train car quickly the birds are jealous i don't know if you can hear the birds in
15:42
the background listeners but they're jealous of all the new helicopters they're turning in
15:46
yes they're like no this is our space um what if um instead of foam there's a proprietary
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technology that shrinks
15:55
everybody in it
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and the train car itself down
15:59
to an ant so that it can fall
16:01
and then not get hurt, which we learned about
16:03
or which I learned about
16:04
a few episodes ago.
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It seems just as possible.
16:12
Come on.
16:13
If Rick Moranis couldn't do it,
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he did do it.
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He could do it because he did.
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They made an old movie about it.
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He shrunk the kids.
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It's titular.
16:25
Honey, he did.
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And then he blew one up.
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Then they shrunk themselves.
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Great films.
16:33
We should watch those sometime.
16:34
Yeah.
16:35
Sure, that's one way to go.
16:40
I'm trying to pitch this to people who are scared of being shrunken, too.
16:46
But not scared of being smothered to death by foam?
16:49
It's not a smothering foam.
16:50
It's a helping foam.
16:53
okay yeah um and you can get out of it it tears it's like bread
16:59
um well if you if it tears like bread then how is it saving you i guess well it's for shock it's
17:13
for impact you know if you had 2 000 sheets of bread between you and your car door and you got
17:19
into an accident it would help i actually that sounds kind of comfortable just laying a bunch
17:24
of white bread down and yeah now you're getting on it like a mattress now you're getting it
17:29
yeah that kind of sound kind of good yeah there will be signs
17:35
there's um one thing that we haven't really talked about why this is a huge
17:44
step forward for passenger technology?
17:48
Oh, well, please.
17:50
I mean, I feel like you've already sold it,
17:52
but if you feel like you need to further sweeten the deal.
17:55
I do, I do.
17:57
The reason a lot of people don't ride on trains
18:00
is because of public masturbation.
18:02
Yeah.
18:03
This will cut down on that to zero.
18:06
How?
18:07
Because you have to stand up and hold the...
18:10
Some ways you have to do that.
18:12
That's why they're called strap hangers.
18:14
Well, everyone knows it's harder to do that in the sky.
18:18
Yeah.
18:20
Everyone knows that, Jenna.
18:22
I think that'll just...
18:24
The people that are publicly doing that,
18:29
they are not...
18:30
They're not doing it because it's like,
18:32
well, it's so easy.
18:33
I have to do it.
18:35
They're doing it because of the rumbles of the road beneath them.
18:38
It wakens things.
18:41
No, I think the being in public is the main motivator.
18:48
No.
18:48
No?
18:50
Nope.
18:50
I'm telling you how it is.
18:52
Oh, okay.
18:53
That's why I don't take public transportation.
18:55
The risk.
18:55
The risk of the rumble.
18:57
Because you're a good citizen.
18:59
Yeah.
18:59
Yeah.
19:00
Also cameras and stuff.
19:02
Oh, so it's really more the fear of getting caught.
19:06
It's both.
19:07
You can be good and you can be scared.
19:10
um okay so uh so this will somehow magically prevent that yes yes it will without magic
19:25
so wait does that imply that the helicopter ride the train helicopter ride is going to be
19:32
so um it's gonna be so chaotic that people are gonna need to hold on with two hands
19:42
yep well it's fine too it's like a little bit woozy woozy travel what about for the people
19:50
who get airsick or carsick what about the people who don't like bean soup they don't eat bean soup
19:56
that don't go on our thing.
19:58
You know what I mean?
19:59
But you are pitching this as a way to help the masses.
20:03
I'm sure there are people who get card sick
20:05
who ride on the subway.
20:07
Okay?
20:08
You need to get somewhere.
20:09
You're just going to have to bring a vomit bag.
20:10
I don't know what to tell you.
20:11
I'm not God.
20:16
I can't solve every problem.
20:17
I can only use numbers and symbols.
20:20
So, okay.
20:21
So this is better than a train
20:23
because people aren't building trains?
20:26
Yes, the government won't do it.
20:29
I don't know.
20:29
I feel like they keep trying to force new light rail on us.
20:33
Yeah, but not in the way I want.
20:40
What about an elevated train?
20:41
You know I'm all about it.
20:42
Less light rail, more white bread to cushion our transport.
20:48
I think we just found our shouting campaign thing in front of City Hall.
20:54
less light rail more white bread to cushion our falls thank you joe
21:03
okay this is better than an elevated train i understand not creating a subway that's a lot
21:11
of infrastructure that needs to be that's like a lot of hard work um for an established city
21:17
we can't do it here because of our caliche because of what our caliche what what what
21:23
our thick clay-like soil oh i have not heard that term before let me say it again caliche
21:30
okay
21:32
okay noted literally yeah
21:45
um what were you okay what were we naming this thing my first thought was
21:52
we
21:54
because of us
21:57
being on it
21:59
because we're all on it
22:01
cute right
22:03
why do I call it us
22:06
because we also
22:08
as the like fun
22:09
hands of of course you know
22:11
we should start saying us
22:13
when we have fun though
22:14
I'm down
22:16
do you have any backups
22:20
Joe's usually the
22:21
the naming einstein that's right we were calling it the super way super way because it's subway but
22:29
super way yes yes yes um this is a side note but you saying we just reminded me
22:37
yesterday there were plumbers at our house and they were doing like hydro jet cleaning of inside
22:43
our pipes it's like blasting water into it and i was inside the house and um uh
22:50
I heard one of them be like alright ready
22:52
like a ready let go and then
22:54
the other guy goes we
22:56
it was funny to me
23:00
that would have been me as the plumber
23:01
anyway that was a side note
23:03
okay so the super way
23:05
super way is cute
23:07
why don't they call elevated trains that
23:09
I don't know Jenna
23:13
I don't know why I'm looking at you
23:15
super bus is cute too right super bus
23:17
wait yeah they
23:19
they call those super buses don't they do they those like elevated maybe
23:25
i don't know sorry sorry for looking at you like it was your fault that they're not named that joe
23:32
we know the power you have and refuse to use
23:35
baby are you down um okay well um you'd ride it right i'd ride it sure if it existed yeah i'd ride
23:47
it of course all of this is going to exist existence yeah i kind of actually hope that
23:52
it falls out of the air just so i can experience this so you want to see the foam in action well i
23:57
i i people will so quickly freak the f out because of claustrophobia and just the panic
24:06
that sets in from feeling like you're trapped and you're never going to be able to get out again
24:10
well only one way to find out okay so interestingly the super bus was or maybe it's pronounced
24:18
superbus i don't know but it was a dutch like high speed electric luxury transport
24:23
vehicle concept uh and it was designed to carry 23 people at a time at
24:28
250 kilometers an hour which is 155 miles per hour nice on dedicated super lanes alongside
24:35
highways featuring a sleek carbon fiber body so it looks really cool um and as far as the status
24:42
it says the project which receives significant public and private funding developed and tested
24:46
prototypes demonstrate impressive capabilities however the extensive infrastructure required for
24:51
its high speeds meant it was it remained a concept rather than a widely deployed transport solution
24:55
like the high-speed rail in in california it's lost like hundreds of billions of dollars and not
25:01
a single track has been laid.
25:03
Just give it to us. I know.
25:06
You know how great it would be if you could take
25:07
a high-speed rail
25:09
from Phoenix to San Diego? It'd be awesome.
25:12
Yeah. And you'd think
25:13
hundreds of billions of dollars would have gotten it.
25:15
Ooh, that's cool looking.
25:17
It looks like an eggplant
25:19
with wheels.
25:21
Yeah.
25:23
I love it.
25:25
Look it up, listeners. It looks cool.
25:28
The Dutch Superbus.
25:29
um well there it is where the dutch have failed we shall succeed yes we
25:38
us okay well i guess that wraps up the invention of the week
25:44
it's time now for our next segment freaky thursday
25:53
Oh my god, this Thursday is so freaky.
26:03
In this segment, one of us, namely Francis, is going to start a story.
26:11
If at any point in time I could jump in and say the same word Francis is about to say at the same time,
26:17
then we switch and I need to continue telling the story.
26:20
And then Francis has to try and jump back in.
26:23
Back and forth.
26:25
Until the story's over.
26:26
Or one of us dies.
26:27
Oh, okay.
26:29
Jody, you have bets on which one's going to happen first?
26:32
Well, I plan to kill one of you, so I don't think that this is a fair bet.
26:37
Hey, well, use your insider knowledge.
26:39
Yeah, this is the time to let it shine.
26:41
I don't play that way.
26:42
Okay.
26:43
He looked really menacing audience just now, just so you know.
26:46
Yep.
26:46
He scared us.
26:48
And he pulled out a shotgun.
26:52
Okay.
26:53
So I'm going to begin a story.
26:54
Okay.
26:55
You may not know this about me, but I was a super Harry Potter head.
27:01
And I was obsessed to the point where it was my entire personality.
27:05
And when the movies were, or sorry, when the books were being released, you'd have to wait a long time.
27:11
But they had these events that you would go to.
27:15
So the book was being released at midnight.
27:17
So there would be a long line around the block and people would be waiting for the doors to open.
27:22
Oh, okay.
27:23
and um i remember one time i got in right at midnight and i was like not very i was kind of
27:29
close to the beginning of the line and you were dressed like hagrid yeah oh and um no they had
27:38
activities and one of those activities was to create your own magic wand and so uh i
27:48
pulled out so i got to the front of the line where they were had the magic wand creating station
27:55
and uh right then and there i pulled out a box of licorice burrillo spaghetti
28:04
and i said you can't stop me i'm gonna make every single one of these a wand and
28:14
And the employee at the event was like,
28:18
No.
28:19
Damn, he found a loophole.
28:21
And they proceeded to have to sit there and watch me take each strand Spaghetti
28:34
Of spaghetti.
28:36
Which is a great pasta.
28:38
And create my magic wand.
28:41
While I was halfway through, we ran out of supplies,
28:45
and there was a lot of children crying as a result.
28:47
But I'm a Slytherin, and I didn't care.
28:49
as a matter of fact I broke all the wands in front of them
28:53
and laughed
28:55
so did you
28:58
I didn't say emphatically enough keep going
29:01
anyway they let me continue
29:03
anyway I got the book at midnight
29:05
and we went home
29:07
and I immediately started to read it
29:09
and the weird thing was
29:14
I had all of my spaghetti wands
29:16
and I was playing with the spaghetti wands while I was reading opening the book
29:24
and I as I opened to the very first chapter I dropped my spaghetti wands and then suddenly
29:35
the words on the page started to jumble up and change and then I was and then they rearranged
29:43
themselves and then the introduction page said for jenna francis because i am you in this story
29:53
i have taken over yeah and i open up the first chapter and it says francis you boy
30:07
who lived
30:10
ruined a night
30:12
for a bunch of children.
30:16
Which did hurt
30:17
my feelings a bit, but also
30:19
I didn't really care.
30:22
So I kept
30:23
reading and it
30:24
said that actually I was
30:27
also a wizard, which seemed
30:29
a little on the nose because
30:30
like what are
30:33
the odds? Get a new idea. Yeah.
30:35
Come on. But I was
30:37
willing to keep reading because it was about me and that's cool and uh but things got a little
30:43
weird because it was uh it wasn't just like oh here's your invitation to magic school it was like
30:47
i need you to commit this dark heinous crime and then you can get your birthright and i was like
30:53
what but i wanted my birthright so i had to do it so i went to the local food city
31:10
which is where this heinous crime was going to take place and i purchased all the baby food
31:19
and threw it into the dumpster as per the instructions.
31:24
And then tons of mothers arrived screaming hungry babies in tow.
31:32
And they went to the food city and they're like, quickly, my baby's about to starve.
31:39
And I was like, shut up.
31:41
You know what your babies aren't?
31:43
Wizards.
31:44
And then I laughed and I turned back and I said, check the dumpster.
31:49
and then I laughed some more.
31:52
And then while they were checking the dumpster,
31:53
I said it on time.
31:59
While they were checking the dumpster,
32:00
you started throwing your excess spaghetti wands at them and laughing even
32:05
more.
32:06
And as the wands hit their weary backs,
32:10
as they were scurrying through the dumpster,
32:14
the babies cried louder and louder.
32:16
and you decided
32:19
and you decided
32:23
that you were going to take these children
32:27
and make them wizards.
32:31
And so you thought,
32:34
screw Hogwarts.
32:36
I'm going to create my own wizarding academy.
32:40
And so you took all of these
32:42
stolen starving babies
32:44
and you shepherded them into an abandoned tuna factory.
32:54
And you said, babies, I'm going to make y'all wizards.
33:03
And the babies suddenly weren't hungry anymore.
33:06
And they snapped to attention.
33:09
There was something about the command in my voice that made them really want to listen and see what I was all about.
33:24
Also, they were in keto now, so they weren't hungry anymore.
33:28
And once the danger of hunger and the distraction of hunger was behind them, we could really get to work.
33:34
So we developed a plan.
33:36
these babies would go out into the world
33:39
and find
33:40
babyless mothers
33:42
and cry in front of them
33:45
and when the milk
33:46
when the mothers bent down
33:49
to pick the babies up
33:50
the babies would
33:52
the babies would slap them
33:57
and then the mothers would cry
33:59
and then while the mothers were crying
34:01
I would go to the mother food aisle
34:04
and throw all of that food in the dumpster.
34:08
And then, but oh no, plan backfired
34:12
because now your army of baby wizards
34:14
had all these mothers to take care of.
34:16
So now the army of baby wizards
34:19
brought the crying mothers to Food City.
34:22
And they were like, well, quick, we need food for our husbands
34:26
who have been silent this whole time.
34:30
And then they wondered, should we all get divorced?
34:34
meanwhile i'm back at my home watching all this from the food city cctv
34:38
app and i was loving it i was loving it it was nothing but chaos and as you know for a new wizard
34:46
chaos is supreme um so i looked at the book i had i went to the back and there was a phone number
34:52
because i didn't want to read the whole thing and i called a number that was on the back it was 1-800
34:55
wizard wizard and the operator on the other end said hello francis
35:03
and I said
35:05
how do you do
35:07
alright
35:09
hi I'm trying to reach JK
35:11
I need to tell her about how my evil
35:14
plan is going and the operator
35:16
said
35:16
what have you learned along the way
35:20
and I said to the operator
35:22
I learned that it
35:24
doesn't pay to make mothers
35:26
cry and it
35:28
doesn't pay to try
35:30
to make an army of wizards
35:32
wizards wizards and then the operator said that's the incorrect answer
35:44
my son i'm sorry you were supposed to have enjoyed your army of baby wizards and um i i just lost i
35:57
had a mental breakdown because I just realized at this moment I did not take my antipsychotic
36:02
medication this morning. And I started to wonder, how much of this is real? Did I really hurt babies
36:09
and mothers? Who am I and who do I want to be? So first thing Monday morning, I made an appointment
36:14
with my psychiatrist. Luckily, it could get me in the same day because I was their only client.
36:21
And we talked for a while. I got a new subscription to a prescription.
36:25
and the weirdest thing happened they um they hit on me they said francis i'd like to go out on a
36:34
date which was super inappropriate awkward because i was only 14
36:43
and someone that's 14 should not be dating their psychiatrist but then i thought what the hell i
36:55
can't get in trouble they're gonna get in trouble and now i have an angle to blackmail them but i
37:01
said all this out loud so they very quickly retracted the offer for a date so i went home
37:08
asked all the remaining babies to leave asked a few mothers to stay and we watched dr phil
37:17
And on this episode of Dr. Phil, the good man himself said, you out there on TV land, I got a message for all of you.
37:35
Keep watching.
37:37
Thanks.
37:38
It was super poignant.
37:41
My whole worldview started to change.
37:44
and even though I felt like a normal person again
37:47
in my heart I knew
37:48
that part of me would always be
37:51
a little wizard
37:52
the end
37:54
wow
37:56
I can't believe that happened to you
37:58
I know
37:58
I remember hearing something about the baby food shortage at Food City
38:02
but I didn't realize it was
38:04
because of you
38:05
I didn't know you at the time I just saw it on the news
38:07
it was a super dark period and I don't really identify with that person anymore
38:10
well thank god
38:12
Dr. Phil
38:13
pulled you out of it.
38:16
What a man. You know the reason he's bald
38:17
is because every time he helped someone a hair went away.
38:19
Yeah. What a man
38:21
what a man what a man what a mighty
38:24
fun. Mighty mighty
38:25
fun.
38:27
Wow.
38:28
Wow.
38:29
I'm glad we made it through.
38:33
Freaky
38:33
Thursday.
38:37
That was the
38:38
freakiest Thursday I've ever
38:39
had.
38:43
Okay.
38:44
It's time for one final segment.
38:48
The Big Question.
38:52
The question is very big.
38:55
Do you have a question?
38:57
No.
38:58
It's okay.
38:59
I do.
39:00
Yay.
39:01
Okay.
39:01
I want you to come up with a few catchphrases and their meaning or like new expressions in
39:08
society and like when you would use them.
39:13
You know what I mean?
39:14
Oh, yes.
39:15
Okay.
39:20
What a man, what a man, what a man.
39:22
What a modified man.
39:32
Here's one.
39:35
Ficus time.
39:36
Oh.
39:37
that is when you you need to overhear somebody else's conversation but you can't be seen
39:46
oh so it's ficus time i get it yeah uh it's like what does janice up to i don't know we
39:51
managed to do a little ficus time that's great actually thanks oh your first one right at the
39:57
gate ficus time yeah holy hell i came to i came to play my friend you did no you not came to play
40:06
you came to you came to win okay um you came for the foam
40:13
um do you have one i'll think of some more sure but if you have one we can go back and forth yeah
40:23
that would be speaking of foam i think we should do something with foam so maybe like um
40:27
catching foam or like i'm yeah catching foam what when when does that happen uh when things
40:38
are about to get rocky like when the foam would release in one of our trains um you need to like
40:43
lock in you know and hold steady so it's literally catching foam it's not a euphemism for something
40:50
No. Kitchen phone.
40:53
Sorry, I didn't know Ficus time.
40:55
I've got one.
40:57
Okay.
40:57
Food dumpster.
40:59
It's for when a bunch of people want something
41:02
and they're all clawing at it.
41:05
Food dumpster?
41:06
Yeah, like the new iPhone model
41:08
that just came out.
41:09
Oh, a total food dumpster.
41:10
Everyone wants it.
41:13
They're all crying for it.
41:15
Like a bunch of babies.
41:17
Or mothers.
41:18
and I asked a few of the mothers to stay.
41:23
Okay.
41:36
Shadow life.
41:39
Shadow life is, you know,
41:42
Plato's The Cave,
41:45
where people just see shadows and they think it's what's happening in real life
41:51
shadow life is is anyone who's just in denial he's living a total shadow life my man
41:59
i think the phrase shadow life already exists oh i hope that's not your word
42:03
no it's not i'll give you a pass on that one um because it's like when you live a double life
42:11
that's like a i thought that was just like if you were like living in the shadow like no one
42:16
knows you i i'm reappropriating the term shadow not every one of these can be ficus time
42:22
oh okay i see how it is i'm just saying yeah yeah but
42:26
um what about um
42:33
What?
42:38
What about He a real unibrow What does it mean
42:49
It means, um, a guy who he looks, he, he looks like he's got two, two eyes.
43:01
He looks like you see him with two eyes, but no, he's singularly focused.
43:07
he's a real unibrow
43:08
okay
43:12
okay
43:13
that's interesting
43:15
what about
43:18
you're gonna be saying that all the time now
43:23
yeah maybe
43:24
what about
43:26
Juice Magoo
43:29
it's someone who bungles everything
43:35
but they do it so sweetly
43:36
or like always well-intentioned you know like i know they were trying but they messed up
43:43
yeah yeah juice magoo that's good i think that'll catch on that's a good one okay
43:49
um hello zeitgeist
43:53
as Juvia used to say
43:55
tentacle freeze
44:07
that's when
44:10
that's when you have
44:13
like a lot of projects going on
44:15
but you can't finish any of them
44:18
it's like you got a lot of tentacles
44:20
going all which ways
44:22
but then
44:23
that's good
44:24
It's a real tentacle freeze.
44:25
Like there's so much going on that you can't know what to do?
44:29
I have tentacle freeze.
44:30
I can't finish anything.
44:31
I've started eight different projects.
44:34
Yeah, that's good.
44:35
That's good.
44:39
What about...
44:44
Table tooth.
44:48
It's when you invite someone new to your group, but they talk too much.
44:54
Oh.
44:55
You know?
44:55
Yeah.
44:55
Like I was trying to give you a chance to be in our group.
44:57
And then no, it's like you're exhausting.
44:59
Yeah.
45:03
Yeah.
45:03
Yeah.
45:04
It's not worth it.
45:05
Yeah.
45:13
How about a silent scream?
45:21
That's when you make eye contact.
45:23
you make eye contact with um uh a friend of yours like when you're in a public situation
45:33
and you both know you're thinking the same thing we just silent screamed okay i feel like that
45:38
it's pretty close to a real thing but but we're putting words to it and that's good yeah
45:44
yeah well what what you mean the what it means or the silent scream or like silent screaming is
45:51
like a thing no i'm reappropriating it because i want it to be fun i don't want it to be about
45:56
screaming i want it to be like it was so loud to both of us but you know that thing where you like
46:01
kind of like side eye your friend and then you both like raise eyebrows because you you know
46:05
you're both thinking the same thing that's a silent scream i got one okay condom popping
46:13
is that where you're trying to trick a man into marrying you no no it's when you're with your
46:21
friends and you see someone really hot in public and you point to him you're like condom popping
46:26
condom popping yeah implying that you would pop a condom oh i thought it meant like just wood
46:34
slug bug hottie which by the way i i really love the just saying wood i don't know i don't know
46:43
why it's very funny to me um and no one will ever know which one you're referring to
46:48
maybe there's a u and an l in it yeah maybe maybe it's l woods from legally blonde no one will ever
46:58
know uh i have one for when you when we've been saying the name first and then saying what it's
47:08
for i want to try saying what it's for first saying the name uh when you try to think of
47:14
something in the moment and then like you forget about it and then a week later you remember what
47:17
it is last week's lottery oh lwl
47:24
situation um that's good so i was smart to think of the situation first as opposed to working
47:36
backwards from the phrase which is what i've been doing we wouldn't have gotten ficus time
47:41
without that that's true we'll always have ficus time
47:45
um um
47:49
no i can't work i can't work that way i gotta i can't come up with something
47:57
that needs fixing and then me have a phrase for it
48:00
zucchini fingers go on that's um a person who
48:09
has really chubby fingers,
48:13
but the rest of their body
48:14
isn't proportional to their chubby fingers.
48:18
Okay.
48:18
Because it's like,
48:19
sometimes people use zucchini
48:21
as a substitute for meat.
48:23
That's true.
48:24
Yeah.
48:24
So it's like,
48:25
they look like they're meaty fingers,
48:27
but the rest of their body isn't meaty,
48:28
so it's fake meat.
48:30
Zucchini fingers.
48:32
Okay.
48:33
That's nice.
48:34
Thank you.
48:35
What about,
48:35
ranch bastard.
48:41
You know how people put ranch on things
48:43
and other people judge them? Yeah.
48:45
It's for a person that judges
48:46
something you like. So it's like
48:48
a grammar Nazi for
48:50
food. For food. A ranch bastard?
48:53
That's good. That's real good.
48:55
That'll catch on.
48:56
Yeah.
48:59
Yeah, that's real good.
49:00
That's your trellis time.
49:01
what did you just say that's your trellis time why are you saying wait not trellis
49:10
ficus god
49:14
trellis time trellis time is when if you're listening and we know you are trellis time is when
49:26
when you have that late afternoon feeling
49:34
and you just, it's that early or late afternoon glass of wine.
49:40
It's trellis time.
49:40
Because it's like you're sitting under a trellis in Italy.
49:44
I thought it was going to be it's ficus time,
49:46
but when you have to spy on someone from above instead of horizontally.
49:50
That would be good.
49:51
Super spy.
49:52
Yeah.
49:54
I don't know why I said trellis.
49:55
I'm sorry.
49:56
I think that's because I'm looking at one.
49:58
Maybe.
49:58
Could be.
50:01
Do you have any other catchphrases?
50:05
Nope.
50:07
All right.
50:07
Sorry, I got distracted for a second there.
50:09
I think we can end on Ranch Bastard.
50:12
I think that was a good one.
50:14
That's great.
50:15
That wraps up the big question.
50:18
The big question.
50:19
All right.
50:21
Hey, you.
50:23
Yeah.
50:24
Okay.
50:24
One last bit of business.
50:27
Yep.
50:27
We all know what it is.
50:29
Everyone waits for it.
50:31
Secret words.
50:33
Secret words.
50:35
You want me to make some guesses?
50:37
Sure.
50:38
I wrote down sexier.
50:42
No, I don't even remember saying sexier.
50:45
Maybe it was a state of being.
50:48
I also wrote down...
50:50
You think I was just being my secret word?
50:54
you were embodying it yeah okay it's crazy
50:56
i wrote down potbelly no i was legitimately talking about potbelly the sandwich shop next
51:05
to the fedex i wrote down you're welcome potbelly if you're listening we know you are we have
51:14
advertising opportunities available for you that one was a freebie watch as your numbers go up
51:21
big time, your sales are going to increase by a good 3% to 5%.
51:26
Then you're going to come call and you're going to want a regular spot on this show.
51:30
Let's just say you're going to see a lot more hot, rich 30 to 50-year-old women pretty soon.
51:35
Next door to your store.
51:36
No, no, no.
51:37
They're going to start coming in because they heard this episode.
51:40
All right.
51:40
Hot, rich 30 to 50-year-old women, if you're listening, and we know you are.
51:44
Don't make liars out of us.
51:46
Yeah.
51:47
I wrote down the word shadow.
51:48
you know this one really scares me because i said it a bunch ficus no i thought you were
51:57
gonna guess trellis i thought you were doing some fancy i thought you were saying trellis
52:02
so that i would say ficus another time you mean ficus and you could be like oh i wish i was that
52:06
clever you are that clever that's why i worry no do you want to know what my words were yes i do
52:12
my secret word was consenting
52:16
and I used it
52:20
before we even introed the show
52:22
I said whatever happens in the back
52:24
of that FedEx between consenting adults
52:26
it's not my business
52:27
the word consenting should never be secret
52:30
okay
52:32
and
52:33
my decoy word
52:35
was 14
52:38
that's why you said that
52:41
yes
52:41
yep why was that why did that word get populated that's such an interesting
52:47
suggestion and literally right after consenting
52:52
that's true your your suggestion general i'm not saying any more than that i'm just pointing out
52:58
a fact of what happened yeah um but also it kind of fit i i should have used it in a weirder context
53:04
because you said you were waiting for the harry potter books to come out so you were a child in
53:10
the story and so then you're now dating your therapist anyway okay it worked too well you did
53:17
a great job as per usual thanks as per usual i saw you writing some things down and sometimes i
53:23
didn't love so i'm going to just like i'm just going to accept that this week i may lose
53:31
um
53:34
okay
53:36
it's your secret word
53:38
kalichi
53:40
no
53:44
okay
53:44
um
53:47
is it
53:49
masturbate
53:52
decoy word
53:53
no that was
53:54
oh wait
53:55
no
53:55
it wasn't
53:56
it's
53:58
you wrote the incorrect form
54:01
but you said oh well then i
54:04
oh but you said i'm pretty sure you said the verb form all right well then i didn't guess your
54:13
secret word or i didn't guess your decoy word but you did reveal that you're a bad friend
54:19
um for not fully listening oh i could have
54:24
swore and i wrote that down correctly well i guess i'm lucky that i didn't
54:29
well I still have another guess
54:32
for your secret word
54:34
you never know what
54:35
worst masturbation or bad masturbation
54:38
is your secret word
54:42
anti-psychotic
54:44
no
54:45
those are my meds
54:47
just kidding I'm off of them
54:52
those were my guesses
54:56
oh good I really thought you
54:57
I really thought, didn't you think she had this?
55:00
I didn't hear what you said.
55:02
Oh, it was Einstein.
55:05
Einstein was your single word?
55:06
Yeah, I said, like, Joes are naming Einstein, so let's hear it.
55:10
Oh my god.
55:11
I know, I heard my name and I just went off in the paradise.
55:15
That checks out.
55:16
And you know my decoy word was masturbation.
55:20
Which is so funny.
55:21
I was just today thinking
55:24
would that ever
55:26
would masturbate ever be
55:27
a word that came up on that suggestion
55:30
generator I don't remember
55:32
there was something that prompted me to think of it as a potential
55:34
secret word and that's why when I wrote it down
55:36
I was like what are the odds I literally was thinking
55:38
of this today
55:39
I think it was oh because I remember
55:48
I was listening
55:49
to the episode
55:51
where Francis guessed
55:53
master as
55:55
my secret word.
55:58
That's why. And then I was like, I wonder
55:59
if masturbate would ever be
56:01
a secret word.
56:03
And then I was trying to think how I would get it in
56:05
without being gross.
56:09
Well, I'm
56:09
glad that I accidentally wrote down your secret
56:11
word wrong and you look so pissed.
56:13
I feel like I
56:14
got screwed. Yeah, and I feel like I
56:17
got saved by a bunch of foam
56:21
surrounding me so that I didn't
56:23
hit impact with your decoy word.
56:24
See? Proprietary foam. Yep.
56:27
Save a life, everyone.
56:29
Well, I'm glad
56:30
we did some good work.
56:33
Yep. I'll be
56:34
going away in my
56:36
helicopter train now. It's been great, you guys.
56:39
There he goes
56:42
Bye
56:43
Bye
56:45
Bye listeners
56:47
Bye