Latest / Do You F*cking Mind? / Navigating the end of a 2 year situationship and rebuilding myself even though it wasn't a breakup(Headnoise)

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Navigating the end of a 2 year situationship and rebuilding myself even though it wasn't a breakup(Headnoise) · Do You F*cking Mind?

0:13
Speaker 1: Hello, beautiful beans, and welcome to the podcast episode of Today.
0:17
Speaker 1: So this is a head Noise episode. It is the
0:19
Speaker 1: email head Noise episode. So I'm very excited to be
0:22
Speaker 1: going through three off your emails and answering your questions
0:27
Speaker 1: or getting you as close to coming up with an
0:29
Speaker 1: answer on your own by asking the right questions and
0:32
Speaker 1: all of that little tiny, tiny life update. I normally
0:35
Speaker 1: don't do a life update on a head Noise, but
0:37
Speaker 1: I just got too excited on Monday's episode talking about
0:41
Speaker 1: or Tuesday's episode talking about being a shit friend and
0:44
Speaker 1: like all of that. So I didn't do a life update.
0:47
Speaker 1: But last week I went to Sri Lanka with my
0:49
Speaker 1: best friend live. It was unbelievable. If you are Shri Lankan,
0:53
Speaker 1: vibes in your country very cool. We went to hear
0:55
Speaker 1: A Kataya and Colombo. It was a tropical paradise. The
0:59
Speaker 1: curry were the best things ever. I just have no words,
1:03
Speaker 1: and if you follow me on social, I've done like
1:05
Speaker 1: a vlog part one. I need to do my vlog
1:07
Speaker 1: part two. But it was just the best and it
1:09
Speaker 1: was like the really cool thing to get away with
1:11
Speaker 1: my best friend. We both have kids where she's got
1:12
Speaker 1: one kid, I've got two, And it was amazing because Tyrone,
1:16
Speaker 1: his mother and my parents like really just rallied together
1:20
Speaker 1: and kind of picked up all the pieces and looked
1:23
Speaker 1: after the twins while I was gone. So it was
1:25
Speaker 1: a really cool thing for me, and I'm very obviously
1:28
Speaker 1: grateful that I have that support around me and that
1:30
Speaker 1: I was able to do that. So just feeling too
1:33
Speaker 1: blessed to be stressed. Anyway, Let's get straight into the
1:36
Speaker 1: head noise questions. All right. First one, Hi, Alexis, if
1:42
Speaker 1: you are reading this, you've already made my day. Thank you. Well,
1:45
Speaker 1: hopefully I'll make it even better if we can come
1:47
Speaker 1: to a conclusion. I'm writing to you as I'm going
1:49
Speaker 1: through a tough time right now. I recently both broke
1:52
Speaker 1: up with my boyfriend of three years. We were living together,
1:54
Speaker 1: had a lot of fun together. We were able to
1:57
Speaker 1: connect deeply and support each other in in all kinds
2:00
Speaker 1: of ways. I honestly feel like everything was perfect except
2:04
Speaker 1: one thing. It seemed he could never control how drunk
2:07
Speaker 1: he got. It seemed he could never control how drunk
2:09
Speaker 1: he got. It seemed most of the times we'd go
2:12
Speaker 1: out and alcohol was involved, the night would end with
2:15
Speaker 1: me having to take him home early because he'd get
2:17
Speaker 1: too messy and visibly a lot more drunk than everyone
2:20
Speaker 1: else in the group and unable to make good decisions.
2:24
Speaker 1: I had expressed my concern for this lack of control
2:26
Speaker 1: many times, and I felt this was met with equal concern.
2:30
Speaker 1: He would visibly be upset that he was doing something
2:32
Speaker 1: that hurt me as well and our relationship, and then
2:36
Speaker 1: would go weeks or months without it happening, but we
2:38
Speaker 1: always seemed to find ourselves back there. I didn't plan
2:41
Speaker 1: it or even preconceived, but one day it just felt
2:43
Speaker 1: like I couldn't continue this pattern anymore. We are now
2:46
Speaker 1: broken up, but I just feel absolutely distraught. I think
2:49
Speaker 1: in my mind I had separated him into two people,
2:52
Speaker 1: one I loved and the one that did these things
2:54
Speaker 1: which hurt me, And so now I'm really missing the
2:56
Speaker 1: one I love. Alexis. Please help me understand what my
2:59
Speaker 1: brain is doing here and why I can't let go.
3:02
Speaker 1: I just feel like I'm going to be sad and
3:04
Speaker 1: miss him forever. Love Anonymous. This is a really, really
3:07
Speaker 1: deep important question to ask, and I'm really glad you
3:10
Speaker 1: sent that in because I think it's perfectly normal. What
3:15
Speaker 1: you're feeling to feel that way, because love does exist
3:19
Speaker 1: among all these other things. When we have a relationship,
3:23
Speaker 1: love is the thing that often will kind of like
3:28
Speaker 1: survive everything else, and it's really important for us to
3:31
Speaker 1: determine when we're wanting longevity in a relationship. Love is
3:35
Speaker 1: not enough. So you can have all the love in
3:37
Speaker 1: the world, you can acknowledge that you adore someone, but
3:40
Speaker 1: for a long term, healthy relationship that will make you
3:43
Speaker 1: feel safe and fulfilled and loved, you need more than love. Okay,
3:48
Speaker 1: you need compatibility. You need a deep sense of security
3:52
Speaker 1: in the sense that you can feel like you can
3:54
Speaker 1: really lean and rely on that person. But in the
3:56
Speaker 1: same sense, it makes you feel so much more confident
3:59
Speaker 1: and independent in your own because they really prop you
4:02
Speaker 1: up to be the best version of yourself, and you
4:04
Speaker 1: need to be able to provide that for the other person. Okay.
4:06
Speaker 1: That's what when we're talking about really like the healthiest
4:08
Speaker 1: forms of a long term relationship. Okay, so it's perfectly
4:12
Speaker 1: normal that you still love him because the fact that
4:16
Speaker 1: he did all that stuff and also did feel remorse
4:18
Speaker 1: or at least demonstrated that he felt remorse. That didn't
4:22
Speaker 1: take away from the good sides of him and the
4:24
Speaker 1: good parts of his personality and all of that. So
4:26
Speaker 1: it is something that you will mourn and that you
4:29
Speaker 1: don't have to convince yourself otherwise. It's healthy to be
4:32
Speaker 1: able to acknowledge that. Sometimes the hardest thing is walking
4:36
Speaker 1: away from people that you love because they're not going
4:38
Speaker 1: to be healthy for you in the long term. Now,
4:40
Speaker 1: what you need to look at is that you were
4:42
Speaker 1: with him for three years. This is and I know
4:46
Speaker 1: that he could go weeks or even months without it.
4:49
Speaker 1: But this comes down to some sort of substance problem here.
4:54
Speaker 1: I'm not saying he's an addict, but I'm saying that
4:56
Speaker 1: he can't handle this substance and he should not drink
5:01
Speaker 1: alcohol full stop, or at least not have a night out.
5:05
Speaker 1: So maybe for him, if he has one drink at dinner,
5:09
Speaker 1: that's okay, But the moment he's socializing an out where
5:12
Speaker 1: it's something where at a pub or whatever, he needs
5:13
Speaker 1: to know to call it. And if he's not willing
5:16
Speaker 1: to do that, or if he never was willing to
5:18
Speaker 1: do that and be like, wow, I'm really concerned, but
5:20
Speaker 1: you're not willing to cut out the one factor that
5:22
Speaker 1: actually determines you behaving that way, then that's a substance problem.
5:26
Speaker 1: It's a problem if you can't cut out alcohol for
5:30
Speaker 1: the sake of your partner, because it turns you into
5:34
Speaker 1: just this really bad version of yourself. Even if it
5:36
Speaker 1: only happens a couple of times a year, or a
5:38
Speaker 1: couple of times whatever, whatever the rate is. If you
5:41
Speaker 1: can't do that, then it means that you are really
5:44
Speaker 1: needing that in your life. Why, that's a problem. Okay,
5:49
Speaker 1: And then you layer on you decide to be with
5:52
Speaker 1: this person, you layer on responsibilities with them. Let's say
5:55
Speaker 1: you married him. What if you decided that you want
5:58
Speaker 1: a children, or a mortgage or anything that just requires
6:01
Speaker 1: more responsibility, and then this happens. You fucking want to
6:04
Speaker 1: kill him? Right this happens again again? Is this going
6:08
Speaker 1: to be the outlet for stress? You have to really
6:10
Speaker 1: remind yourself that, as sad as it is, and as
6:13
Speaker 1: much as they did or didn't want to change whatever
6:15
Speaker 1: it is, as much was it his responsibility, responsibility? Was
6:19
Speaker 1: it not? His responsibility? Was he a victim? Was he
6:22
Speaker 1: the perpetrator? Was irrelevant? At the end of the day,
6:27
Speaker 1: If there wasn't significant change in a three year period,
6:31
Speaker 1: whether you feel bad for him, whether all these things
6:34
Speaker 1: it was not going to change, or at least not
6:37
Speaker 1: for a long fucking time. You also don't want to
6:40
Speaker 1: be in a relationship where you have to wait for
6:43
Speaker 1: things to get so catastrophically bad for them to then
6:46
Speaker 1: need to change. That's also not a good idea, nor
6:49
Speaker 1: is it healthy. So I think that you made the
6:52
Speaker 1: right decision. I genuinely do, and you just have to
6:55
Speaker 1: keep reminding yourself of that and reminding yourself of the
6:58
Speaker 1: core reasons why again, and this is a prime example
7:01
Speaker 1: why love is just not enough. Because when things are good,
7:05
Speaker 1: they're fucking great, right, they're great, and you miss him,
7:08
Speaker 1: and of course you're going to miss him because you
7:10
Speaker 1: did date him for many good reasons as well. When
7:14
Speaker 1: you break up with someone, in a way, it's kind
7:17
Speaker 1: of as sad as it is, it's kind of nice
7:19
Speaker 1: to be able to miss them and see all the
7:20
Speaker 1: good in them, because then you know that you did
7:22
Speaker 1: have a really good three years in many other aspects.
7:25
Speaker 1: But if you cannot handle how he would be on
7:29
Speaker 1: those nights, and if there was no way that it
7:31
Speaker 1: was ultimately going to change, even if there was weeks
7:33
Speaker 1: in between whatever. If you always ended up returning to
7:36
Speaker 1: that eventually, then I think you did make the right call,
7:40
Speaker 1: because at the end of the day, you can only
7:43
Speaker 1: really try and encourage someone to make that change or
7:46
Speaker 1: to do something about it. I don't know what he
7:47
Speaker 1: did to try and change it. Did he just try
7:49
Speaker 1: and withhold? And then why did it repeat itself when
7:51
Speaker 1: he actually did it. Did he say I'm not going
7:53
Speaker 1: to be drinking out anymore. I still socialized, but I
7:55
Speaker 1: won't have alcohol. Was that not possible for him? Did
7:57
Speaker 1: he seek therapy? I don't know, but I think I
8:00
Speaker 1: think that when it comes to things like this, this
8:03
Speaker 1: is very deep, deep, deep seated behaviors in people, and
8:07
Speaker 1: it's really hard to just change that. If that's how
8:09
Speaker 1: it behaves when he gets really drunk, that's not going
8:11
Speaker 1: to change. So the only solution is to just not
8:13
Speaker 1: get drunk. And if he wasn't willing to do that,
8:16
Speaker 1: because he didn't, then I think you're you will be
8:21
Speaker 1: fine and you will not miss him forever. You will
8:24
Speaker 1: get to a point where you can look back being
8:25
Speaker 1: like that just wasn't the right path for me, And
8:28
Speaker 1: you might feel for him, you might feel bad for him,
8:29
Speaker 1: but just because someone's going through you know somewhere they
8:33
Speaker 1: semi depend on a substance or completely depend on a substance.
8:36
Speaker 1: You can feel bad for them, you can feel sad
8:38
Speaker 1: for them, but it doesn't have to drag two people down,
8:40
Speaker 1: doesn't have to drag yet another person down. So the
8:44
Speaker 1: way I look at it is you always have to
8:46
Speaker 1: keep reminding yourself of that point, bring it back to
8:48
Speaker 1: that point, and don't make yourself feel bad for loving
8:52
Speaker 1: him and missing him. You always have to remind yourself
8:55
Speaker 1: if I want to secure safe a long, long, successful relationship,
9:00
Speaker 1: love is not enough. I had one of things that
9:02
Speaker 1: was really important to me, but I didn't have this
9:04
Speaker 1: like sense of security with how I could rely on
9:06
Speaker 1: how he would behave I couldn't rely on that there
9:09
Speaker 1: would be this You'd probably feel really fucking anxious every
9:11
Speaker 1: time he'd be having a big night with his friends.
9:12
Speaker 1: So I think, you know, if you couldn't handle that,
9:16
Speaker 1: which is fair enough, then you made the right call
9:19
Speaker 1: because it was just gonna keep happening again. So it
9:22
Speaker 1: is hard. It's hard, but you will. You will get
9:25
Speaker 1: to the point where you know he's not the person
9:28
Speaker 1: that you're going to love for the rest of your
9:30
Speaker 1: life that it will get there. Since since okay, next question.
9:43
Speaker 1: This one's called is my anxiety lying to me? Or
9:46
Speaker 1: is he just not the one? High lexis your podcast
9:51
Speaker 1: has helped me through some really dark moments, and I'm
9:53
Speaker 1: so grateful. I could really use your wisdom right now.
9:55
Speaker 1: I'm twenty two and I've been with my partner for
9:57
Speaker 1: over four years. He's my best friend. We have so
10:00
Speaker 1: much fun together. He's also the only person I can
10:03
Speaker 1: rely on when I'm struggling. Our relationship is steady and loving,
10:06
Speaker 1: but I deal with severe anxiety and it makes me
10:08
Speaker 1: question everything. I'm very emotional and empathetic. He's logical and
10:13
Speaker 1: not naturally expressive because he didn't grow out with much warmth.
10:16
Speaker 1: Most of the time, we balance each other, but sometimes
10:18
Speaker 1: our differences trigger my fears. I overanalyze small comments or jokes,
10:23
Speaker 1: and if he's ever a bit insensitive, my mind jumps
10:27
Speaker 1: to imagining him as a bad partner or father someday.
10:30
Speaker 1: A lot of this comes from watching my parents' relationship.
10:32
Speaker 1: They're still together, but more like roommates with no affection
10:35
Speaker 1: or shared values. I'm terrified of repeating that, so I'm
10:38
Speaker 1: constantly scanning for signs that I'm choosing wrong. His own
10:41
Speaker 1: complicated family dynamics with a lot of resentment, adds another
10:45
Speaker 1: layer of fear about what our future could look like.
10:47
Speaker 1: My question, how do I know if these doubts mean
10:50
Speaker 1: we're truly incompatible or if it's just my anxiety convincing
10:53
Speaker 1: me something's wrong. Okay, awesome, love the question, I think
10:58
Speaker 1: one of the good way to identify that you're not
11:01
Speaker 1: going to repeat it again. I doubt you will repeat
11:04
Speaker 1: it again, at least because you seem to have a
11:06
Speaker 1: really good awareness of what you don't want and what
11:10
Speaker 1: you do want. And you've experienced what you don't want,
11:15
Speaker 1: you know, very very close proximity, and you still do
11:18
Speaker 1: with your parents, so you understand that, you understand the
11:21
Speaker 1: dynamic behind that, and you're like, this is not what
11:22
Speaker 1: I want for myself. And I would imagine that you've
11:24
Speaker 1: also had that conversation with your boyfriend, and I would
11:27
Speaker 1: imagine that he has spoken to you about the fact that, well,
11:31
Speaker 1: the reason why he doesn't open up because he hasn't
11:33
Speaker 1: had this warm upbringing and whatever, So there has been
11:35
Speaker 1: that communication there. I would keep that communication open and
11:38
Speaker 1: always be speaking about not always, but come back to
11:43
Speaker 1: often what it is that you value in your relationship
11:46
Speaker 1: about that, like emotional intimacy and closeness and all of that.
11:49
Speaker 1: So I don't think it is going to repeat itself
11:53
Speaker 1: if you're both very aware of the dynamics that you
11:55
Speaker 1: don't want to repeat. Awareness itself does wonders for where
11:59
Speaker 1: you are headed, where you don't want to be, and
12:01
Speaker 1: where you do want to be, because it keeps you
12:02
Speaker 1: kind of your eye on the ball. It keeps you
12:04
Speaker 1: on track. If you have no idea, or if you
12:07
Speaker 1: are just kind of mirroring what your parents did without
12:09
Speaker 1: being consciously aware of why it was not good or
12:12
Speaker 1: why it was not healthy for the relationship, then yeah,
12:14
Speaker 1: you might repeat it, but I don't think that will
12:15
Speaker 1: be the case for you. Now. The next thing is
12:18
Speaker 1: looking at things that your partner does or when he's
12:22
Speaker 1: insensitive of whatever. So there's two things that I would
12:25
Speaker 1: recommend you do. I do think it's important to speak
12:27
Speaker 1: to your partner about it, but you also don't want
12:29
Speaker 1: to be speaking to him every single time that you
12:33
Speaker 1: get anxious about something for two reasons. Number one, because
12:39
Speaker 1: you don't want a lot of the time when we
12:41
Speaker 1: have spiraling thoughts. If the only way to talk ourselves
12:46
Speaker 1: down off that ledge is to get that approval from
12:48
Speaker 1: the person in front of you, you actually make the
12:50
Speaker 1: thoughts worse, okay, And the reason for that is you
12:53
Speaker 1: teach yourself that the only way I can feel better
12:57
Speaker 1: is if the person who caused me to feel anxious
13:00
Speaker 1: or insecure or stressed about the relationship goes and says no, no, no,
13:05
Speaker 1: and they reassure, you, reassure, you reassure. You get to
13:07
Speaker 1: the point where creating your own reassurance becomes impossible. You
13:10
Speaker 1: have to get it from that person. So that's why
13:12
Speaker 1: I don't recommend you do it every single time. I
13:15
Speaker 1: also recommend that when you do speak to him about
13:17
Speaker 1: these things, you speak to him about it, not when
13:19
Speaker 1: it's happening, but independently from that, you say, listen, I'm
13:24
Speaker 1: really going to work on making this relationship the best
13:26
Speaker 1: fucking thing ever. I'm pumped. I love You've been together
13:29
Speaker 1: for four years, You're a fucking legend, you're my best friend.
13:31
Speaker 1: All these things you know. I'm fucking anxious. You fucking
13:34
Speaker 1: know that about me. Love you so much for that.
13:37
Speaker 1: So I'm going to start really working on things that
13:42
Speaker 1: trigger my anxiety when you say something and do something
13:45
Speaker 1: and I know your intention isn't there. However, there are
13:48
Speaker 1: certain things that I'd love for you to help me with, Like,
13:50
Speaker 1: for example, you could pick out two main things that
13:53
Speaker 1: he does that might be something that normally triggers a response,
13:57
Speaker 1: and then you mention those things. Just say so, for example,
13:59
Speaker 1: sometimes if you are a bit cold to me when
14:02
Speaker 1: I try and open up whatever, I normally feel this way.
14:06
Speaker 1: So in future, are you able to do X, y Z.
14:09
Speaker 1: Or if you see me react in a certain way,
14:12
Speaker 1: just understand that the reason I'm reacting that way. So basically,
14:15
Speaker 1: what you're doing is you're showing that you are wanting
14:19
Speaker 1: to work on your anxiety. You're showing that you're willing
14:21
Speaker 1: to have this conversation because you care about the longevity
14:23
Speaker 1: of the relationship and you really know where you want
14:25
Speaker 1: it to go. And you're also showing that you're not
14:27
Speaker 1: being reactive and upset with him in the moment, because
14:31
Speaker 1: a lot of people will think, oh, you're just pissed
14:33
Speaker 1: off in the moment, you'll get over it. But if
14:34
Speaker 1: you talk about it with a level head when it's
14:36
Speaker 1: not in the moment, that the thing has occurred, then
14:39
Speaker 1: people are really more likely to meet you in the
14:41
Speaker 1: middle being like, Wow, this is really level headed. You
14:43
Speaker 1: really thought this through, You really, you know, thinking about
14:46
Speaker 1: how this is going to benefit both of us in
14:48
Speaker 1: the relationship. Okay, Then the other thing I recommend you
14:51
Speaker 1: do is do this obviously cognitive behavioral therapy technically, but
14:58
Speaker 1: like a simplified version of it, because when not in therapy,
15:01
Speaker 1: when you do it in therapy, it's a very specific
15:03
Speaker 1: version tailored for you, and it's obviously a lot more
15:06
Speaker 1: better than what I'm going to give you right now
15:08
Speaker 1: because this is simplified, but it is a form of
15:10
Speaker 1: cognitive behavioral therapy where you need to kind of address
15:16
Speaker 1: that exact feeling that you're going through. Number One, You've
15:19
Speaker 1: got to ask yourself is this real or have I
15:21
Speaker 1: created this feeling out of thin air? And if it
15:24
Speaker 1: is real, how much of it is real? And how
15:25
Speaker 1: much of it have I added tax onto I'm adding
15:28
Speaker 1: gst onto. So, for example, if he says something a
15:31
Speaker 1: bit insensitive, you could think, oh my god, he's attacking me,
15:34
Speaker 1: he's doing this, he's a bad partner. Now he's going
15:37
Speaker 1: to be a bad father. How much of that is
15:38
Speaker 1: now match how much of that have I taken and
15:41
Speaker 1: run with versus maybe he said something that was offensive,
15:47
Speaker 1: but if I highlight to him that that was rude
15:49
Speaker 1: or that I don't like you saying these things, then
15:53
Speaker 1: maybe he would take that on board and it'd be different.
15:56
Speaker 1: Or maybe I've heard him say that before genuinely thinking
15:59
Speaker 1: it's a joke and not realizing that it's actually coming
16:02
Speaker 1: off as insensitive and it's an opportunity for me to
16:04
Speaker 1: speak to him about it, or you know, maybe it
16:06
Speaker 1: just was insensitive, but it's no way near as deep
16:09
Speaker 1: as I've turned it in saying that he's not going
16:11
Speaker 1: to be a good father. So how much truth is
16:14
Speaker 1: here and how much is not? How much of it
16:17
Speaker 1: do I think he really means to hurt me versus
16:20
Speaker 1: him just not being aware? Okay, so then you start
16:23
Speaker 1: this is where just that again, this whole idea of
16:25
Speaker 1: name entertainment starts bringing your logical processing, your logical reasoning
16:29
Speaker 1: on board, Because anxiety or no anxiety, in every relationship,
16:33
Speaker 1: your partner's probably gonna do something that and they're gonna
16:36
Speaker 1: say something that's gonna either piss you off, make you
16:38
Speaker 1: feel annoyed. You're gonna think that was insensitive, and so
16:41
Speaker 1: everyone's gonna have to deal with this at some point
16:43
Speaker 1: or another, even with the most beautiful partner to the
16:45
Speaker 1: most annoying partner. So it's a matter of which battles
16:49
Speaker 1: am I going to pick? And which ones can I be? Like?
16:52
Speaker 1: You know what, after I've sat with this and ask myself,
16:54
Speaker 1: you know what's real what's not real? How can I
16:56
Speaker 1: reframe how they've said this? Is this actually a stab?
16:58
Speaker 1: Or is this something that would or what do I
17:00
Speaker 1: need to address versus what is actually doesn't need to
17:03
Speaker 1: be addressed because bigger picture things, I know what they
17:06
Speaker 1: actually meant, and I'm choosing to interpret it the other way.
17:09
Speaker 1: Just by doing this, name entertainment and bring your cognitive awareness,
17:13
Speaker 1: you'r like prefrontal cortex, you know, executive function into it.
17:16
Speaker 1: You stop spiraling, and you start to feel way more
17:20
Speaker 1: calmer and way more in control of your emotions when
17:24
Speaker 1: you are reacting to something that your partner has said
17:26
Speaker 1: or done, because based on what you've said, it doesn't
17:28
Speaker 1: seem like it's an unhealthy relationship. And you also said
17:31
Speaker 1: that he's more quieter and a bit more closed off
17:33
Speaker 1: when it comes to speaking about emotions, So his delivery
17:35
Speaker 1: might not be that great, and it might not be
17:38
Speaker 1: with intent to offend you. It might just be that
17:41
Speaker 1: because he's cold, and because it's a bit more reserved
17:43
Speaker 1: than you are oll colder, then it's not coming across.
17:47
Speaker 1: How he probably thinks it's coming across, and you're then
17:50
Speaker 1: interpreting it much worse because then you've got that background
17:53
Speaker 1: of anxiety as well. So that would be my answer
17:55
Speaker 1: to you. And I think when it comes to good
17:59
Speaker 1: part and good parent, the number one underlying foundation is communication.
18:05
Speaker 1: It is always communication. So if you can have these
18:08
Speaker 1: conversations with him, if when I said to you sit
18:12
Speaker 1: down with him and speak to him about it, not
18:13
Speaker 1: when the actual event is happening. If you were like, yeah,
18:16
Speaker 1: I could do that with him, then that already tells
18:18
Speaker 1: me that he's open to communicating at the very least,
18:22
Speaker 1: if not potentially even a decent communicator when given the opportunity.
18:26
Speaker 1: If you are like, ooh, I could never talk to
18:28
Speaker 1: him about that because he would react on then why
18:30
Speaker 1: would he react that way? And what does that tell
18:31
Speaker 1: you about where? But I just feel like you probably
18:33
Speaker 1: could have these conversations with him, And yeah, even if
18:37
Speaker 1: he's even reserved quiet people. When you set the scene
18:40
Speaker 1: to communicate comfortably, they will open up and they will
18:43
Speaker 1: tell you sometimes it just requires a bit of flight, pulling, pulling, pulling,
18:47
Speaker 1: pull and then you get it out of them. But
18:49
Speaker 1: you want to set that set, like, make it normal
18:52
Speaker 1: for you to be able to sit down and have
18:53
Speaker 1: these conversations when the actual event isn't happening. And that's
18:56
Speaker 1: what makes a really healthy relationship and good communication make
19:00
Speaker 1: for a good partner and a good father of your children.
19:02
Speaker 1: So thank you so much for sending that through. All right,
19:05
Speaker 1: So this is going to be the third and final question.
19:08
Speaker 1: Hi Alexis. I hope you're doing well, So this will
19:10
Speaker 1: be lengthy, but I just want to provide as much
19:12
Speaker 1: context as possible. I've been a long time listener of
19:14
Speaker 1: your podcast, especially during a very difficult time in my
19:17
Speaker 1: life a couple of years ago when I was leaving
19:19
Speaker 1: a toxic and abusive relationship. Your voice, your perspective, and
19:22
Speaker 1: the way you explain emotional patterns genuinely helped me ground
19:25
Speaker 1: myself and find clarity when I felt lost. I'm really
19:28
Speaker 1: grateful for the work that you do. Thank you. I'm
19:31
Speaker 1: reaching out now because I find myself in a very
19:33
Speaker 1: different but still confusing situation, and I haven't quite found
19:36
Speaker 1: an episode that speaks to it. I recently ended a
19:39
Speaker 1: situationship that lasted almost two years. It wasn't abusive or
19:44
Speaker 1: overtly toxic in the way my past relationship was. In fact,
19:47
Speaker 1: he was kind, emotionally present at times, and we shared
19:50
Speaker 1: real connection. But the issue was that he never wanted
19:53
Speaker 1: to define the relationship or commit, despite me asking for
19:56
Speaker 1: clarity multiple times. Over time, that lack of definition started
19:59
Speaker 1: to affect me more deeply than I expected. I found
20:02
Speaker 1: myself feeling insecure, questioning myself, and becoming more reactive than
20:06
Speaker 1: I'm used to. Eventually, I had to walk away, not
20:09
Speaker 1: because there wasn't care there, but because I didn't feel
20:12
Speaker 1: emotionally safe or prioritized in a consistent way. What's been
20:17
Speaker 1: hardest is that my brain has been working so hard
20:19
Speaker 1: since I ended it. There was no clear villain, just
20:22
Speaker 1: a dynamic that slowly eroded my sense of stability. I've
20:25
Speaker 1: been left with a lot of questions about situationships that
20:28
Speaker 1: feel good in the moment but lack structure, avoidant patterns
20:31
Speaker 1: in people who aren't who are kind, white so bad
20:34
Speaker 1: to leave something that isn't clearly bad? Should I have
20:38
Speaker 1: waited longer? Was I impatient? And how can I rebuild
20:41
Speaker 1: emotional stability after this kind of connection? I also moved
20:45
Speaker 1: from Australia to Canada and he became one of the
20:48
Speaker 1: strongest Sorry. I also moved from Australia to Canada and
20:51
Speaker 1: he became one of the closest people in my life here,
20:53
Speaker 1: So letting go has felt like losing both a relationship
20:56
Speaker 1: and offensive familiarity and support. I'd really appreciate it if
21:00
Speaker 1: if you ever considered creating an episode around situationships like this,
21:03
Speaker 1: especially one that involves emotional connection without the commitment. I
21:06
Speaker 1: think there are many people who don't realize how deeply
21:09
Speaker 1: those dynamics can affect them because they don't look like
21:12
Speaker 1: traditional toxic relationships. Thank you again for everything you've already
21:15
Speaker 1: shared through your work. Your voice has been a steady
21:18
Speaker 1: source of comfort for me, and I truly value the
21:20
Speaker 1: clarity you bring to complex emotional experiences. This is a
21:24
Speaker 1: really really, really really good question, and I'm very glad
21:26
Speaker 1: you sent that through. I'm mean, I hate that you're
21:28
Speaker 1: going through it, but I am very glad you sent
21:30
Speaker 1: it through because I feel like so many people can relate.
21:33
Speaker 1: I am going to actually answer each one of those
21:36
Speaker 1: questions that you laid out halfway through this email. I'm
21:38
Speaker 1: going to answer the last one first. Should I have
21:41
Speaker 1: waited longer? Was I impatient? No? Absolutely fucking not. You
21:45
Speaker 1: weren't impatient, and you should not have waited longer. And
21:48
Speaker 1: you'll see why in a moment. The reason why you
21:52
Speaker 1: say situations that feel situationships that feel good in the
21:55
Speaker 1: moment but lack structure. It didn't feel good. It felt
21:59
Speaker 1: good in the good times, but overall it didn't feel
22:02
Speaker 1: good because you weren't getting what you needed. He was
22:05
Speaker 1: getting his needs met, you were not getting your needs met. Now,
22:08
Speaker 1: it's not to say it was toxic or whatever, and
22:10
Speaker 1: I don't think situationships are toxic necessarily because there is
22:17
Speaker 1: open communication, whether you like it or not. He was
22:20
Speaker 1: clear about the fact that he didn't want to commit,
22:22
Speaker 1: he didn't want titles. He didn't, he didn't, he didn't.
22:24
Speaker 1: He was very clear. Okay, so there wasn't that commitment
22:29
Speaker 1: of being in a relationship, although at times it really
22:31
Speaker 1: did feel like it. But you did have your answers
22:35
Speaker 1: there and when someone can be emotionally vulnerable and open
22:39
Speaker 1: to talk and really kind and sweet. It's easy for
22:43
Speaker 1: us to trick ourselves into thinking, just give it a
22:46
Speaker 1: bit of time. I feel like they might be falling
22:47
Speaker 1: in love. I feel like they might be really changing
22:49
Speaker 1: their mind about this, because look how warm they are,
22:51
Speaker 1: Look how this. We could look at so many bits
22:54
Speaker 1: of that person's behavior and think, but they weren't like
22:56
Speaker 1: this at the start, and they're really opening up to this.
22:58
Speaker 1: So maybe I'll just wait and maybe think will turn
23:00
Speaker 1: a met and you can think all these things, and
23:02
Speaker 1: there are situations where they do turn around and you
23:05
Speaker 1: do get it. But what I'm saying is that ultimately
23:08
Speaker 1: communication was there that he didn't want to put a
23:11
Speaker 1: label on it. You also said you had expressed to
23:14
Speaker 1: him that you wanted something more and he didn't go
23:18
Speaker 1: about it. They didn't want to, like, kind of do
23:21
Speaker 1: more with you. He didn't want to have that locked
23:23
Speaker 1: in relationship with you. And on top of all of that,
23:26
Speaker 1: it's two years. So what we know for sure is
23:30
Speaker 1: that at no point did he want to be in
23:34
Speaker 1: a relationship. He could have really liked you, He could
23:36
Speaker 1: have had enough of his needs met with you, and
23:39
Speaker 1: really enjoyed aspects of it. But for whatever reason, and
23:41
Speaker 1: we don't need to know the answer to this, because
23:43
Speaker 1: that's not what's going to fix anything or change anything
23:46
Speaker 1: or heal you. But for whatever reason, you didn't mean
23:50
Speaker 1: enough of his needs, his personal needs that we might
23:52
Speaker 1: never know what they were for him to be like, yes,
23:55
Speaker 1: I want an exclusive relationship with you. Okay, Now it
23:59
Speaker 1: doesn't have to be villain in this. Like you said,
24:01
Speaker 1: there's not really a villain, and that's fine. The villain
24:03
Speaker 1: ends up being this emotion that we can't let go of,
24:07
Speaker 1: you know, but you said here situationships that feel good
24:11
Speaker 1: in the moment but lack structure. A situationship by default
24:15
Speaker 1: doesn't have to have much structure. But a good situationship
24:18
Speaker 1: requires neither of the two parties to fall in love
24:21
Speaker 1: with the other person. You were falling for him, which
24:24
Speaker 1: is fair enough, and that's the downside of most situationships,
24:27
Speaker 1: because someone does, most of the time fall for this person.
24:30
Speaker 1: The ideal situationship is where no one falls in love. Obviously,
24:34
Speaker 1: so the moment you start having feelings for him, which
24:36
Speaker 1: you did, otherwise you wouldn't have wanted to be in
24:38
Speaker 1: a relationship with him the moment that situationship is fucked, fucked,
24:42
Speaker 1: and it's a terrible one. Okay, never ever, ever have
24:48
Speaker 1: a situationship with someone you are in love with. Ever. Okay,
24:53
Speaker 1: this is what you do. You're in a situationship. You
24:56
Speaker 1: then start getting feelings for this person. You then say
24:58
Speaker 1: to this person, where do you see this going? I
25:01
Speaker 1: really like you, that's the honest truth. I really want
25:04
Speaker 1: this to go further. I want an exclusive relationship with
25:07
Speaker 1: you or whatever it is that you want. You lay
25:08
Speaker 1: it out on the table. They say, I am not
25:11
Speaker 1: really looking for this, I'm not really looking for that,
25:13
Speaker 1: and you say, you know, I'm really sad to hear that,
25:14
Speaker 1: and I'm going to be heartbroken to not see you again.
25:17
Speaker 1: But it's the only solution. Now, now that I don't know
25:19
Speaker 1: where you stand and you know where I stand, I
25:20
Speaker 1: think the healthiest thing is that I walk away and
25:23
Speaker 1: you leave, which you're probably not gonna want to do
25:24
Speaker 1: because you're heartbroken and you're so in love with them
25:26
Speaker 1: and whatever. But you leave. Only then is there a
25:30
Speaker 1: flicker of possibility that they then think, oh my fucking god,
25:34
Speaker 1: I never realized I would miss them so much, And
25:37
Speaker 1: they come back to you wanting exactly what you said
25:39
Speaker 1: you wanted, or the much bigger chance that they will say, well,
25:44
Speaker 1: that really sucks. They might then become a bit, a
25:47
Speaker 1: bit kind of slack by trying to still rope you
25:51
Speaker 1: back in and hang out with him because they like
25:52
Speaker 1: the convenience of it. But hopefully they respect that and
25:55
Speaker 1: then they walk away. Okay, if you're standing here right
25:58
Speaker 1: now listening to my podcast and you're currently in this
26:01
Speaker 1: situationship and you're thinking, ooh, but I couldn't have that
26:03
Speaker 1: conversation with that person, then you already know the answer.
26:06
Speaker 1: I've been in that situation. I remember I was in
26:08
Speaker 1: this situationship with this guy. This is like when I
26:10
Speaker 1: first moved to Sydney, was like ten years ago, and
26:12
Speaker 1: I was so into him, so into him, and it
26:16
Speaker 1: was just kind of the same. It never progressed. Their
26:18
Speaker 1: hangouts were the same. Every time we would kind of
26:20
Speaker 1: have similar surface level conversations. We would kind of have
26:24
Speaker 1: you know, like ban tar, but it never really got anywhere.
26:28
Speaker 1: And this went on for a couple of months and
26:30
Speaker 1: I was telling these clients of mine, I was teaching
26:32
Speaker 1: them polities, and I was telling these women and I
26:34
Speaker 1: was like so this is kind of what's happening. And
26:35
Speaker 1: they're like, lexis like literally giving the advice that I give. Now.
26:38
Speaker 1: They're like, just ask him, say where do we stand?
26:40
Speaker 1: And in my head, I'm like, I'm not fucking going
26:42
Speaker 1: to do that. I don't think he'd like respond well
26:44
Speaker 1: to that, like is that not your fucking answer? I
26:47
Speaker 1: was so into him, and I'm thinking, well, god, no,
26:51
Speaker 1: I could never raise that because I know deep down
26:53
Speaker 1: he's going to say no, what if he rejects me,
26:54
Speaker 1: then I won't be able to handle it. He was
26:55
Speaker 1: already rejecting me. He was already rejecting me in my heart.
26:59
Speaker 1: He probably didn't realize because he probably thought that I
27:01
Speaker 1: was also into it as a situationship, but without me
27:04
Speaker 1: acknowledging it, there was already that rejection of I don't
27:06
Speaker 1: want to progress this further, you know. And I would
27:09
Speaker 1: refuse to bring it up to him because I didn't
27:11
Speaker 1: want to hear what I knew was going to happen. Okay,
27:15
Speaker 1: So you just can't feel good about a situationship when
27:19
Speaker 1: you're in love. You only ever feel good about a
27:22
Speaker 1: situationship when you when the stakes are not high for you,
27:25
Speaker 1: and the only time the stakes are not going to
27:27
Speaker 1: be high is if you are not in love with
27:29
Speaker 1: that person. If you are not in love with that person,
27:31
Speaker 1: you're only inconvenienced. If they end the situationship, You're like, oh,
27:35
Speaker 1: now I have to find another fuck buddy, want a
27:36
Speaker 1: shame whatever, But you're not heart broken, You're not upset.
27:40
Speaker 1: Doesn't ruin your day. You're like, oh, I kind of
27:41
Speaker 1: visit a little bit, but it's fine, right, never saw
27:44
Speaker 1: them as being my long term partn I never saw
27:45
Speaker 1: that it only breaks your heart or hurts you if
27:49
Speaker 1: you actually cared for them and loved them. Okay. Next
27:52
Speaker 1: one is avoidant patterns in people who are kind. There's
27:56
Speaker 1: many avoidant patterns and people who are kind. But I
27:58
Speaker 1: don't want you to confuse someone who doesn't see you
28:01
Speaker 1: as a long term partner as someone who's avoidant, because
28:06
Speaker 1: avoidant people can show that they love you and enter
28:11
Speaker 1: into a serious relationship but still have avoidant behaviors, but
28:15
Speaker 1: show that they want to have a serious relationship with you.
28:18
Speaker 1: A situationship is not necessarily avoidant behaviors. It's them knowing
28:22
Speaker 1: what they want and knowing what they don't want. So
28:24
Speaker 1: a situationship may have some avoidant behaviors, but by default
28:29
Speaker 1: a situationship is this lack of deep emotional intimacy, right
28:35
Speaker 1: like the love, the real love you've got the physical
28:38
Speaker 1: side of things. You might have a bit of like
28:39
Speaker 1: fun and whatever, but it's like it ends at a
28:42
Speaker 1: certain point. So there is going to be this avoidant
28:46
Speaker 1: nature in a situationship for sure, Right, So you avoid
28:51
Speaker 1: getting too deep in certain things and too close in
28:53
Speaker 1: certain things because you just don't want it for whatever reason,
28:55
Speaker 1: either you're scarred or you're just not interested or whatever.
28:58
Speaker 1: But there's reasons. So I wouldn't look at a situationship
29:02
Speaker 1: as someone who's, oh, it's because they're avoidant or whatever.
29:04
Speaker 1: At the end of the day, avoidant people do still
29:06
Speaker 1: enter into romantic relationships. They might just have this whole other,
29:10
Speaker 1: you know, array of issues that they have to deal
29:13
Speaker 1: with with their emotions and whatever. But you normally can
29:16
Speaker 1: see when someone still really likes you and wants to
29:19
Speaker 1: be with you, and how much initiative they take and
29:21
Speaker 1: do they progress things further with you, even if they
29:24
Speaker 1: don't want to be the ones that says I want
29:26
Speaker 1: to be in a relationship with whatever, their actions do
29:28
Speaker 1: show that they want something deeper than that. Okay, Then
29:31
Speaker 1: you said why it's so hard to leave something that
29:34
Speaker 1: isn't clearly bad? It is clearly bad. It's fucking bad,
29:38
Speaker 1: bad for you, not for them. Not when you're together,
29:41
Speaker 1: hanging out and going on you know, announting or whatever,
29:44
Speaker 1: like it's all fun and games, but it's eating away
29:46
Speaker 1: at you. Two fucking years you were with this guy,
29:49
Speaker 1: but not with this guy. Of course it's bad for you.
29:54
Speaker 1: But we try and act like you know what, you
29:56
Speaker 1: know what. So many people's problem is we've all been there,
29:59
Speaker 1: mind you, and so it's not an attack on you
30:01
Speaker 1: at all, But we do this to us, and it's
30:03
Speaker 1: so unfair to us. It's telling yourself that you're cool
30:07
Speaker 1: with it. Why do we do that to ourselves? Why
30:10
Speaker 1: don't we say, oh no, it's okay, it's cool. It's
30:11
Speaker 1: not cool. It's not fucking cool. It's okay to actually
30:14
Speaker 1: like someone and want something further with this person. It's
30:16
Speaker 1: okay to say I fucking like you and i'd like
30:18
Speaker 1: something more. And if they don't like you back, you
30:20
Speaker 1: don't have to act cool. You don't have to act like,
30:22
Speaker 1: oh it's all good, I'm like I'm child I'm chilled. No,
30:24
Speaker 1: I'm not fucking chilled. I'm hurt, but I need to
30:26
Speaker 1: protect myself and I need to just walk away. You've
30:28
Speaker 1: told me what I needed to hear. It's not about
30:30
Speaker 1: someone being toxic, in someone not being toxic. It's just
30:33
Speaker 1: I now need to step away from this because I'm
30:35
Speaker 1: just gonna own I'm just gonna hurt myself being here. Like,
30:38
Speaker 1: we need to stop pretending we're cool with things that
30:40
Speaker 1: we're not cool with, because then this is exactly what happens.
30:43
Speaker 1: You said, you know, you didn't feel emotionally safe for
30:48
Speaker 1: prioritizing a consistent way. You've been left with all these
30:53
Speaker 1: different questions. Your brain's been working so hard. You're feeling insecure,
30:56
Speaker 1: you're questioning yourself. You became more reactive than you used to.
30:58
Speaker 1: Of course, I understand you're in a situation where you
31:04
Speaker 1: are waiting, you're giving it. You're all you're looking. When
31:08
Speaker 1: you love someone or you are really into someone, you're
31:11
Speaker 1: always looking for pockets of reassurance and what they said
31:14
Speaker 1: and what they message in their behavior. Did they look
31:16
Speaker 1: at me this way? You start second guessing everything, and
31:20
Speaker 1: then you start feeling this person is giving me their time,
31:23
Speaker 1: but they don't want to give me all of them.
31:26
Speaker 1: Just I'm good enough to hang out with, but I'm
31:27
Speaker 1: not good enough to whatever, which is great if it's mutual.
31:30
Speaker 1: It's great if it's mutual. But the moment you're in
31:32
Speaker 1: love with someone and they're like, oh, this is convenient
31:35
Speaker 1: for me. They're always available, they're always like really nice
31:39
Speaker 1: to me. They'll always show their best side of themselves
31:42
Speaker 1: to me because they're fucking in love with me. So
31:43
Speaker 1: for them, it's awesome, but for you, it starts to
31:46
Speaker 1: erode at your self esteem because you know deep down
31:51
Speaker 1: that this person doesn't value the way you value them.
31:54
Speaker 1: This person is ultimately and I don't think a lot
31:58
Speaker 1: many people in situationships don't mean to do this, and
32:02
Speaker 1: it is unfair, But I don't think they see it
32:04
Speaker 1: as unfair because they're like, well, I'm being honest. I
32:05
Speaker 1: told you how I feel, so whatever. But it is
32:07
Speaker 1: unfair because there is a slight, unconscious manipulation of the
32:11
Speaker 1: other person because they know how easy it is for them,
32:14
Speaker 1: and you're in love with them, and they're like, this
32:16
Speaker 1: is kind of easy for me, even if they don't.
32:18
Speaker 1: Even if you haven't said I'm in love with you,
32:19
Speaker 1: they know it's fucking they know then you can tell
32:21
Speaker 1: when someone's fucking into you, right, And so then you're
32:25
Speaker 1: stuck in this pattern of the person that you love
32:28
Speaker 1: just doesn't remotely reflect that you're good enough to be around.
32:32
Speaker 1: The bit you're not good enough to date long term
32:34
Speaker 1: is kind of what you're starting to feel on a
32:35
Speaker 1: subconscious level. And then, of course you don't feel so
32:39
Speaker 1: confident in yourself anymore, and you think that by leaving
32:43
Speaker 1: the person the moment they showed you that they weren't
32:46
Speaker 1: ever interested in having a relationship, you think that that
32:48
Speaker 1: would be worse for your self esteem. You think that
32:49
Speaker 1: that would be worse for your overall happiness, and you'd
32:52
Speaker 1: be so heartbroken, And it would, but it wouldn't. It
32:54
Speaker 1: never is. Acutely, it would be more painful in that moment,
32:59
Speaker 1: obviously than just like avoiding the ending of the relationship
33:03
Speaker 1: because you actually like them, Like ripping the band ad
33:06
Speaker 1: and taking control and walking away from someone where you
33:08
Speaker 1: still have the opportunity to see them all the time
33:10
Speaker 1: really hurts, right, But the difference is that you can
33:14
Speaker 1: protect yourself and you then look at look back and say,
33:17
Speaker 1: I actually did that. I stepped away for the sake
33:21
Speaker 1: of my own mental health, for the sake of, you know,
33:24
Speaker 1: my own self esteem. They told me what they wanted.
33:28
Speaker 1: I now need to tell myself what I want, and
33:30
Speaker 1: I want a serious relationship or nothing at all. So
33:34
Speaker 1: of course you are going to feel defeated with your
33:37
Speaker 1: self esteem, with your confidence. You start like seeking you know,
33:41
Speaker 1: approval from all these other places because you wanted it
33:45
Speaker 1: from that person and you never got it. So the
33:47
Speaker 1: way to rebuild from that is to learn from these
33:50
Speaker 1: situations in your life and nowhere to draw the line.
33:53
Speaker 1: Know when you've put enough out on the line to
33:56
Speaker 1: get a response from someone, and if they still don't reciprocate,
33:59
Speaker 1: then you're like, okay, well, thank you, I've told you
34:00
Speaker 1: what I needed to tell you. Thank you so much
34:02
Speaker 1: for being honest with you. I need to pack this
34:03
Speaker 1: shit up and go okay. And only then would it
34:07
Speaker 1: give them the sly chance that they will turn around
34:08
Speaker 1: and say, I made a mistake. Whatever came been, Cross
34:10
Speaker 1: that bridge when you come to it. But that will
34:11
Speaker 1: only ever happen if you were to leave, and you
34:14
Speaker 1: don't do it for that reason. Anyway, You're doing it
34:16
Speaker 1: to protect yourself okay, and then you said, how can
34:20
Speaker 1: I rebuild emotional stability after this kind of connection. It
34:24
Speaker 1: comes from identifying patterns in the future of the same thing,
34:27
Speaker 1: because you can't you can't know for sure that you're
34:29
Speaker 1: not going to the next person you meet doesn't also
34:31
Speaker 1: want a situationship. But what you can know for sure
34:33
Speaker 1: is if you enter another situationship where you don't want
34:35
Speaker 1: it to be a situationship, that you can walk away
34:38
Speaker 1: way earlier on in the pace, way earlier, that you
34:41
Speaker 1: can identify it that you're you're allowed to request things
34:44
Speaker 1: from other people and if they don't and if they
34:49
Speaker 1: don't meet you there, if they don't reciprocate, that's okay,
34:52
Speaker 1: and it's not an attack on you. What will be
34:54
Speaker 1: an attack on you is when you continue to return
34:57
Speaker 1: to a person who doesn't want you the way you
34:59
Speaker 1: want them. That ends up being an attack on you.
35:01
Speaker 1: And it's like this villainless crime, but at the end
35:05
Speaker 1: of the day, you end up getting really hurt. Okay,
35:07
Speaker 1: So hopefully that was helpful. I hope that gave you
35:10
Speaker 1: a little bit of insight into it. But yeah, no,
35:12
Speaker 1: wonder you're feeling hurt and you know it's you don't
35:15
Speaker 1: have to tell yourself that it's all good and it's okay,
35:17
Speaker 1: and there was not No, it was not okay. Two
35:19
Speaker 1: years is way too long. Of course you're going to
35:21
Speaker 1: be feeling the way you're feeling. I've been there and
35:23
Speaker 1: I know what it feels like and it's just awful.
35:25
Speaker 1: And you want to be able to take that and say, well,
35:28
Speaker 1: I don't want this to have been a waste. I
35:29
Speaker 1: want to look at this and say this is a
35:31
Speaker 1: very good lesson and I'm not gonna I'm not gonna
35:33
Speaker 1: do that again. Good times, but no more cool. Thank
35:37
Speaker 1: you so much, great questions. As always, thank you so
35:40
Speaker 1: much for writing eh. And that is all for the
35:43
Speaker 1: episode of today, the head noise episode of today. So
35:45
Speaker 1: if you do want to send in your head noise questions,
35:47
Speaker 1: of course email info at dyfmpod dot com or you
35:50
Speaker 1: can send the voice note little speak pipe thing in
35:54
Speaker 1: the website at www dot dwifmpod dot com. Love you
35:58
Speaker 1: guys so much. As always, remember beclind to yourself, do
36:00
Speaker 1: your brain, don't take STU from anyone, and especially don't
36:03
Speaker 1: texture from don't care m