Latest / AWAKEN with Dylan Ayaloo: Inner Work, Healing, Yoga & Meditation / [EP56] Why you're not yourself with the people closest to you

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[EP56] Why you're not yourself with the people closest to you · AWAKEN with Dylan Ayaloo: Inner Work, Healing, Yoga & Meditation

• 0:00
  So I'll start off with the last bit, which is saying, you know, the environment has conditioned you or any one of us strongly.
• 0:09
  I would suggest that we've conditioned ourselves. The environment is what it is.
• 0:14
  And the conditioning may or may not have been conscious. It might have been unconscious.
• 0:19
  But no one has, you know, that power over us.
• 0:22
  So we might not have been conscious, but, you know, certain decisions we've made have allowed certain things to be shaped in certain ways.
• 0:31
  So therefore, we become conditioned within us.
• 0:33
  So let me get to the actual question you're asking, which is, you know, the crux of it, right?
• 0:41
  Like, how come I get into survival mode when I'm at home, let's say, or with the closest people in my life?
• 0:48
  I would say from my experience, it's because the people closest to us, normally, you know, if it's home environment, family, family has, let's say, emotional history.
• 1:05
  Don't think I've said it like that before, but, you know, whatever, just came up.
• 1:08
  So as in through timeline, right?
• 1:11
  So this emotion that has been shaped over timeline and not just emotion, but a certain narrative upon a narrative upon a narrative, like layers of the story that has been shaped and very deep conditioning.
• 1:26
  You know, even though as a child, you know, it didn't feel like we chose it, obviously, but it got shaped.
• 1:34
  so why do we come most guarded around the people who we should feel maybe relaxed or safe around
• 1:42
  and maybe it's not that they're unsafe but then we feel the need to protect ourselves
• 1:48
  and it's because of i would you know i would say it's because of the years of
• 1:54
  what has happened and how things have shaped and it's not like you know you see the person and go
• 1:59
  okay, this person's coming, I need to act in this way.
• 2:02
  Like it's not a conscious thing.
• 2:04
  It just happens in a split second.
• 2:06
  It is, you know, that's a conditioning, right?
• 2:07
  So it's like shaped within us.
• 2:10
  And, you know, so maybe around a certain person,
• 2:15
  I'm just giving a random example based almost on nothing,
• 2:20
  not anyone in particular.
• 2:22
  But let's say, you know, maybe around someone,
• 2:25
  a certain person, you might find yourself being more,
• 2:30
  grumpy or short-fused, you know, like less tolerant, let's say. I've certainly had that
• 2:36
  and I won't name names. And these are people that I love, right? And they're close to me.
• 2:41
  And I started to observe, like, why do I feel like, why do I act like that? Why do I react like
• 2:49
  that? A lot of times it was unconscious, you know? So I would find myself just reacting or acting in
• 2:57
  that way or showing up you know or even if i was kind of quite joyful the moment that person you
• 3:03
  know comes near nearby and just starts like tone the joy down and you know turn up the grump turn
• 3:10
  up the the the you know whatever resistance and i started to see that i was like what that's not
• 3:21
  you know and the logical reason like there's i could logic the reason but you know it's it's an
• 3:27
  emotional thing right like so around this person i'm not going to show too much joy because maybe
• 3:33
  there was a time or many times when i was joyful and that person would you know didn't you know
• 3:41
  they had their own thing going on so they didn't like it so they tried to like you know extinguish
• 3:48
  that so put that down right or tell you to put that down or tone it down or they get snappy when
• 3:55
  you know you are kind of relaxed and joyful for example so those little things i'm just this is
• 4:01
  a random example but you know i mean like those little things can actually over time accumulate
• 4:04
  and shape so without thinking you know we come in touch with a certain person or people or a group
• 4:10
  of people and you know you might have been quite joyful getting there but the moment you get there
• 4:15
  you see them you're like you know let's like put a lid on that straight away and that's just one
• 4:19
  example of many it doesn't shift until we make it conscious and at least from my experience
• 4:29
  consciously choose not so much even the analysis is in like why is this happening how come and how
• 4:35
  many times and when and what you know what points in my timeline did this happen and I don't have
• 4:41
  to analyze it but i find like okay there might have been you know the past at the it's a past
• 4:48
  with this person because they're close to me but how i'm showing up is not how i want to continue
• 4:55
  to show up you know they might be less joyful but i'm not going to tone down you know my sense of
• 5:05
  feeling free or open or calm or joyful around them. As a matter of fact, I'm going to let myself
• 5:15
  be that because that's where I feel most relaxed in, most natural in. So I'm going to let myself
• 5:24
  bring that me into these environments and let them have whatever reaction or non-reaction or
• 5:36
  You know, if it inspires them to be joyful, then amazing. If it makes them grumpy for a while, then fine. That's, you know, they get to choose. So almost going back to, I think what you might have heard me say many times over time, like, what do I want? What's this vision that I have for, you know, my relationship with this person or people?
• 5:59
  and then is it what I want it to be from this point forwards,
• 6:05
  like the future?
• 6:06
  And if it's not, then how would I like to show up?
• 6:12
  What is it that I have authority over,
• 6:14
  which is how I show up, right?
• 6:16
  So how am I going to bring what I can bring to the table
• 6:22
  that might shift things?
• 6:24
  And I'm not trying to change them.
• 6:26
  I'm not trying to transform them.
• 6:28
  I'm not trying to make them more joyful or open or trusting or whatever.
• 6:33
  I just find that I'm not being me around them.
• 6:36
  I'm not being as relaxed as I just would be or would like to be.
• 6:41
  Or I'd find myself being more relaxed around other environments and other people,
• 6:45
  but not around this person or people.
• 6:47
  So I'm like, no, I'm not going to be different characters with different people.
• 6:53
  You know, I want to show up just me consistently across the board.
• 6:58
  So that's where my work is.
• 7:00
  It's like to drop whatever is in the way of me showing up as me.
• 7:04
  You know, so if it's relaxed, if it's calm, if it's playful,
• 7:08
  if it's, you know, curious, interested, kind, loving, you know, whatever the thing is.
• 7:15
  And letting myself bring that.
• 7:17
  The resistance to bringing me, you know, the resistance to bringing who I am.
• 7:23
  That's my work.
• 7:24
  how they show up in response to that that's up to them you know i don't have any control over that
• 7:31
  i don't want to have control over that that's up to them a lot of times it changes them anyway
• 7:37
  like in this example you know i found myself going from like you know putting a lid on myself to
• 7:44
  to actually lifting the lid off and just letting myself be me just how i am normally and over time
• 7:50
  like didn't take very long they started to relax they started to be more joyful and actually just
• 7:56
  kind of we're both more relaxed and steph that's just a deeper you know love and connection um
• 8:03
  but you know with them anyway so it normally does transform uh but sometimes you know like
• 8:11
  it takes time because maybe they have had certain things in the past and then you know they don't
• 8:16
  feel they can trust or they don't feel safe enough and they're not even thinking i'm doing
• 8:20
  safe it's just it's you know subconscious um in how we show up it's kind of the programming
• 8:27
  the conditioning as you say so i hope that answers your question let me read the question again so
• 8:33
  more guarded reactive survival base actually within my home environment and close community
• 8:39
  not because my heart isn't kind but because something's protective comes online doesn't
• 8:45
  feel like trust expression of who I am
• 8:48
  how do we begin
• 8:49
  softening the survival patterns
• 8:52
  yeah
• 8:53
  and I would say it is yeah like
• 8:55
  you know well said it is the
• 8:57
  survival patterns we go into
• 8:59
  some kind of like survival mode
• 9:01
  and that's the
• 9:03
  stuff that's not conscious within
• 9:05
  ourselves so it's bringing
• 9:08
  awareness bringing consciousness like
• 9:09
  huh
• 9:11
  just notice I'll show up like this with this
• 9:13
  person or people or in this environment
• 9:16
  not why, as in I need to analyze it,
• 9:19
  but is that what I want?
• 9:21
  And if it's not, then how do I want to show up?
• 9:24
  If it's more relaxed, okay, let me start now.
• 9:27
  You know, let me just let go of the grip or the resistance now.
• 9:32
  It might not be able to let go completely, but you start.
• 9:36
  Like, let me relax a little bit
• 9:38
  and practice relaxing a bit more and a bit more and a bit more.
• 9:41
  And over time, you just, you know, how you are elsewhere.
• 9:45
  dynamic as well and you're relaxed and the why and you know the why and the analysis kind of
• 9:51
  doesn't really matter i find most of the time it's what sends us in circle like chasing our own tail
• 9:57
  you know in circles round and round and round and round and round not getting anywhere
• 10:02
  yeah that's i find a lot of times the analysis not useful sometimes it is
• 10:06
  uh can be present in the environments yeah and i think presence is the other word
• 10:13
  bringing awareness and getting present
• 10:16
  because we're actually not present in those times.
• 10:20
  It's like something else is running the show.
• 10:22
  So I'm showing up as not me.
• 10:25
  So it's practicing, well, paying attention.
• 10:30
  And it's like, oh, funny, I show up like this in this environment.
• 10:34
  That's not how I want to.
• 10:36
  Or is this how I want to show up?
• 10:39
  and how do I want to show up in this dynamic and where would I like this to go like what's my
• 10:45
  vision for it doesn't mean they don't have a say but you definitely have you know part of the say
• 10:51
  and they have part of the say so you can begin shaping your part of it