Latest / The Career Mentor Podcast with Fexingo: Finding Mentors, Sponsors, and Career Advisors / How to Find a Mentor When You Are a Sandwich Caregiver
Transcript
- Lucas: So there's this number that's been stuck in my head for a few weeks. The AARP and National Alliance for Caregiving put out a study in 2024 — they found that over 50 million Americans are now unpaid family caregivers. And the fastest-growing segment is what they call the 'sandwich generation' — people caring for an aging parent while also raising a child under 18. Luna: That's roughly one in five adults. And if you're in that group, your average caregiving load is almost 30 hours a week — so a part-time job on top of your actual job. Lucas: Right. And the reason I bring this up today is we get a lot of listener questions that basically say, 'I know I need a mentor. I know it would help my career. But I literally do not have one more hour in my week. How do I find a mentor when I'm already drowning?' And I think the sandwich caregiver is the extreme case of that problem, but it applies to anyone with heavy care responsibilities — could be a single parent, could be someone caring for a partner with a chronic illness. Luna: Yeah, the 'I'm too overwhelmed to invest in my career' paradox. Which is exactly when a mentor could help the most. Lucas: Exactly. So today I want to offer a few concrete approaches that aren't just 'find 30 minutes in your calendar' — because that advice doesn't work for someone in this situation. And the first one I want to call the 'micro-mentorship swap.' Luna: Okay, I like the sound of that. What is it? Lucas: It's a peer to peer arrangement with another caregiver in your network. You agree to a 15-minute check-in every two weeks. That's it. Fifteen minutes. You each bring one specific question or one decision you're stuck on. No small talk. No 'how's your week.' Straight to the problem. And you take turns being the mentor and the mentee. Luna: So it's basically a structured coffee chat with someone who gets it. Lucas: Exactly. And the beauty is, fifteen minutes is almost always doable. You can do it during your commute, or while you're waiting at a pediatrician's office, or even on a lunch break. And because it's reciprocal, you're not asking someone to give you time without giving back. Luna: I want to push back a little though. I tried something similar a few years ago when I was caring for my mom. I had a 'walk and talk' mentor — we'd do 20-minute phone calls while I walked the dog. And honestly, even that 20 minutes felt like a burden sometimes. I'd be late, or my mom would need something right as I was dialing in. I ended up canceling more than I showed up. Lucas: That's a really honest point, and I think that's where the second approach comes in. If even fifteen minutes feels like too much live commitment, then start asynchronous. Luna: Asynchronous mentoring — you mean like email or Slack? Lucas: Or voice memos. I have a friend — she's a product manager at a mid-size tech company, also a single mom of two — and she found a mentor through a women's leadership program. They never met live. Every two weeks, she sends a five-minute voice memo with her top question, and her mentor replies with a voice memo. That's it. No scheduling, no commute, no 'I'm sorry I'm five minutes late.' Luna: I love that. It respects both people's time. And honestly, a voice memo can be more thoughtful than a live conversation because you both have time to reflect. Lucas: Right. And it's actually a form of sponsored mentorship — because the mentor is committing to a low-friction cadence. They're not saying 'I'll be your career guru.' They're saying 'I'll answer one question every two weeks.' Luna: That brings up something I've been thinking about. For a caregiver, maybe what you need isn't a mentor at all. Maybe you need a sponsor — someone who will advocate for you in meetings you can't attend, or who can open a door with one email. Lucas: That's a really smart distinction. Mentor gives advice. Sponsor gives access. And if your calendar is unpredictable, a sponsor is actually lower friction. A sponsor might make one intro or one nomination on your behalf, and that takes maybe ten minutes of their time total. A mentor might need multiple touchpoints. Luna: And if you're a caregiver, you might not have the bandwidth to act on a mentor's advice right away. But a sponsor's action happens without you needing to do anything except follow up. Lucas: Let me give a quick example. One listener we heard from — let's call her Maria — she's a senior analyst at a regional bank, caring for her father with dementia and her two kids. She felt stuck because she couldn't attend networking events or after-hours career development sessions. Instead of looking for a mentor, she identified a senior leader in another division who had also been a caregiver a few years earlier. She sent a very short email — three sentences — saying she admired the leader's career path and asking if she'd be willing to nominate her for a high-visibility project team. That leader said yes. One email. That's a sponsor move, not a mentor move. Luna: So the advice is: don't default to 'I need a mentor.' Ask yourself, 'What is the smallest ask that could move my career forward right now?' Lucas: Exactly. And by the way, if that small ask is 'can I send you a voice memo every two weeks with one question?' — that's perfectly fine. Just be explicit about the time commitment upfront. Luna: One more thing I want to touch on — how do you even find these people when you're too tired to network? I mean, Maria found that senior leader, but how? Lucas: She used LinkedIn in a very targeted way. She searched for people at her company who had worked there for more than 10 years — longevity is often a clue that someone has navigated caregiving themselves — and she looked for anyone who had mentioned caregiving in their profile, even just a volunteer role with an Alzheimer's association. She found three people. She sent those three-sentence emails to all three. One replied. Luna: So it's a numbers game, but it's also a smart filter. You're not cold-emailing random executives. You're finding people whose life experience suggests they'll understand. Lucas: And that's actually something we talk a lot about on this show — the importance of finding a mentor who shares some aspect of your context. Age, industry, geography, caregiving status. It makes the advice more relevant and the relationship more resilient. Luna: Resilient because they'll forgive you if you cancel or go silent for a bit. Lucas: Right. So a quick summary of the playbook for caregivers: first, try the micro-mentorship swap with a peer — fifteen minutes every two weeks. Second, go asynchronous — voice memos, email, or even a shared document. Third, consider a sponsor instead of a mentor — one small action that doesn't require recurring time. And fourth, use targeted search filters to find people who have walked the same path. Luna: I think there's also a mindset shift that's important here. As a caregiver, you might feel like you can't invest in your career right now. But you can. You just can't do it the traditional way. Lucas: Absolutely. And I'd add one more thing: don't underestimate the leadership skills you're building as a caregiver. Time management, prioritization, negotiation with insurance companies or school systems, patience under pressure — those are executive skills. When you talk to a potential mentor or sponsor, frame that experience. Say 'I'm managing a complex care situation, and it's taught me how to triage and negotiate.' That reframes your constraint as a strength. Luna: That's a really powerful reframe. Instead of leading with 'I'm overwhelmed,' lead with 'I'm learning resilience under pressure.' Lucas: And a good mentor will value that. Which brings me to a final thought — and this is something I've been reflecting on lately. We deliberately don't run ads on this show, and we've never asked listeners for anything. But if you've found value in episodes like this one — if it's helped you think differently about your career or your next move — there is a way to support the show. It's buy me a coffee dot com slash fexingo. That's all lower-case. And it's completely optional. No pressure, no perks, no shout-outs. Just a way to keep this thing ad-free. Luna: Yeah, and I think that's consistent with what we're talking about today. Small, low-friction actions that add up. A coffee is the micro-mentorship of show support. Lucas: Ha, exactly. So back to the topic — I think the key takeaway for anyone in a caregiving role is that mentorship is not an all-or-nothing commitment. You can start with one voice memo. You can start with one email asking for a sponsorship nomination. You don't need a weekly lunch meeting. You need one person who sees your potential and is willing to invest a small amount of time — on your terms. Luna: And if you're listening and you're a caregiver, I hope you give yourself permission to make that ask. You deserve the support. Lucas: Next time we're going to talk about something that came up in our listener survey — how to find a mentor when you're early in your career and everyone around you seems to already have one. That's episode 125. Until then, take care of yourselves and each other.