Latest / Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud / S1 Ep30: Joe List/ Self-Loathing Stand-Up Special 🤣

Transcript

S1 Ep30: Joe List/ Self-Loathing Stand-Up Special 🤣 · Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud

0:16
SPEAKER_00: Thank you.
0:19
SPEAKER_00: That was way too much.
0:20
SPEAKER_00: I feel like I feel like everyone's aware that that was too much.
0:26
SPEAKER_00: There was definitely a moment where collectively everyone was like, I think we're overdoing it a little bit.
0:33
SPEAKER_00: I appreciate it.
0:34
SPEAKER_00: That was nice.
0:35
SPEAKER_00: Some of you I felt like that was more about you than it was me, to be honest.
0:39
SPEAKER_00: I feel like a couple of you are like, I'm gonna be the guy.
0:41
SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna.
0:42
SPEAKER_00: They're gonna hear me.
0:45
SPEAKER_00: At least four of you are like, I can't wait to watch this because I'm gonna point out my voice, going, hey! That's fair.
0:54
SPEAKER_00: Good to be here.
0:55
SPEAKER_00: Uh in New York.
0:56
SPEAKER_00: I said it like I'm visiting.
0:58
SPEAKER_00: I live here.
0:58
SPEAKER_00: It's nice to live here.
1:01
SPEAKER_00: I travel all the time, every week.
1:02
SPEAKER_00: I hate flying.
1:03
SPEAKER_00: I get very anxious when I fly.
1:04
SPEAKER_00: I'm not afraid of a crash.
1:05
SPEAKER_00: I'm afraid of a conversation.
1:06
SPEAKER_00: That's what I hate about flying.
1:08
SPEAKER_00: I was on a plane the other day.
1:09
SPEAKER_00: The guy next to me was like, What do you do?
1:11
SPEAKER_00: And I was like, I mind my own business on airplanes.
1:13
SPEAKER_00: That's um first of all, you're sitting too close together to have a conversation.
1:19
SPEAKER_00: The guy's trying to make eye contact.
1:20
SPEAKER_00: We're just staring at each other from this distance.
1:23
SPEAKER_00: I'm like, I could kiss you without using a neck muscle.
1:25
SPEAKER_00: That's how close you are.
1:30
SPEAKER_00: I was on a plane the other day.
1:31
SPEAKER_00: The guy next to me was eating a lollipop.
1:34
SPEAKER_00: Don't you think that's an inappropriate airplane food?
1:36
SPEAKER_00: A lollipop?
1:38
SPEAKER_00: It's too noisy.
1:40
SPEAKER_00: He's like, I was like, sir, you're turning me on.
1:44
SPEAKER_00: Could you relax a little bit?
1:48
SPEAKER_00: They don't even sell lollipops at the airport.
1:53
SPEAKER_00: That's a from home lollipop.
1:58
SPEAKER_00: That guy got a lollipop.
1:59
SPEAKER_00: He's like, I'm gonna hold on to this until I fly.
2:01
SPEAKER_00: I want to make sure I have that three inches from somebody's ear.
2:07
SPEAKER_00: I don't even know where you get a lollipop, by the way.
2:09
SPEAKER_00: Outside of a bank and a doctor's office, they don't sell them, do they?
2:14
SPEAKER_00: If you gave me$10 right now and you were like, go get me a lollipop, I would come back a week from now with my shirt torn and be like, I couldn't do it.
2:20
SPEAKER_00: I don't know.
2:24
SPEAKER_00: I hate everybody on every plane.
2:25
SPEAKER_00: We all hate each other, though.
2:26
SPEAKER_00: That's not exclusive to me.
2:27
SPEAKER_00: We all hate each other.
2:28
SPEAKER_00: You know everyone hates each other on the airplane?
2:30
SPEAKER_00: Because as you're boarding the airplane, everyone just stares at you dead in the face angrily.
2:34
SPEAKER_00: The whole flight's just.
2:37
SPEAKER_00: That's the only time as a society we're not looking at our phone.
2:39
SPEAKER_00: Everyone's like, let's put our phones away and look upset at everybody else on this airplane.
2:45
SPEAKER_00: I hate it, but I do it too.
2:47
SPEAKER_00: I'm just as guilty.
2:48
SPEAKER_00: As soon as I sit down, I'm like, look at this fucking idiot getting on the plane.
2:51
SPEAKER_00: What?
2:54
SPEAKER_00: Back there.
2:58
SPEAKER_00: It doesn't matter where you are on the plane, you feel better than everybody behind you, don't you?
3:02
SPEAKER_00: You could be in the second to last row.
3:04
SPEAKER_00: This one guy behind you, you're like, what a fucking idiot back there.
3:07
SPEAKER_00: Embarrassing, loser.
3:10
SPEAKER_00: Last row.
3:13
SPEAKER_00: I was on a plane the other day.
3:15
SPEAKER_00: I hated the guy behind me.
3:16
SPEAKER_00: He kept yawning out loud the whole flight.
3:19
SPEAKER_00: Am I a psycho or is that no way?
3:21
SPEAKER_00: The whole flight, he's like, mmm.
3:25
SPEAKER_00: For like five hours.
3:29
SPEAKER_00: I wanted him to die, I swear to God.
3:32
SPEAKER_00: I was like, I hope this guy passes away on the flight.
3:35
SPEAKER_00: First of all, you don't need to make a noise when you yawn.
3:38
SPEAKER_00: That's a decision.
3:39
SPEAKER_00: He's deciding to do that.
3:41
SPEAKER_00: It's like if you were hungry on a plane, you were like, I'm hungry! You alright?
3:47
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, yeah, I'm hungry.
3:48
SPEAKER_00: I like life people know when I'm hungry.
3:49
SPEAKER_00: I think it's important for people to know that.
3:52
SPEAKER_00: People yawn out loud, they want attention.
3:54
SPEAKER_00: That's why they're doing it.
3:55
SPEAKER_00: They want you to be like, oh my god, are you tired?
3:57
SPEAKER_00: And they're like, I am.
3:58
SPEAKER_00: Here's my entire life story of how I came to be tired.
4:02
SPEAKER_00: Don't fall for it, it's a trap.
4:04
SPEAKER_00: Plus, isn't it fun to not ask somebody a question when they really want you to ask them a question?
4:09
SPEAKER_00: You ever do that when someone's like, I had a wild night last night, and then you're like, neat, and then you just walk away.
4:15
SPEAKER_00: That's like one of my favorite things to do.
4:18
SPEAKER_00: Just tell me your shitty story.
4:20
SPEAKER_00: Don't make me ask for it.
4:24
SPEAKER_00: I flew recently, I was at the airport, LaGuardia Airport here in New York.
4:27
SPEAKER_00: That's my home airport.
4:29
SPEAKER_00: I was walking through the terminal.
4:30
SPEAKER_00: They were playing Welcome to the Jungle by Guns N' Roses at the airport.
4:36
SPEAKER_00: That's a weird airport song.
4:38
SPEAKER_00: I'm a rock and roll guy.
4:39
SPEAKER_00: I love guns and roses.
4:40
SPEAKER_00: I'm cool, but it's a little much at the airport.
4:43
SPEAKER_00: I'm walking to the terminal, I just hear da da da down, d-da-da-da-da-da.
4:49
SPEAKER_00: Like, hey, can we cool it down a little bit?
4:52
SPEAKER_00: It's 7:30 a.m.
4:54
SPEAKER_00: I'm I'm eating a muffin looking for an outlet.
4:57
SPEAKER_00: I don't think we need to rock this hard.
5:01
SPEAKER_00: Also, it's a little unnerving to be boarding a flight and hear, you're gonna die! Like, shit, am I?
5:12
SPEAKER_00: They play knocking on heaven's door next.
5:13
SPEAKER_00: I'm never flying again.
5:15
SPEAKER_00: Except the bus.
5:19
SPEAKER_00: I do fly every week, though.
5:21
SPEAKER_00: Pretty much, literally every week.
5:22
SPEAKER_00: I got upgraded a lot.
5:23
SPEAKER_00: That's the nice thing about flying all the time.
5:24
SPEAKER_00: I got upgraded recently, my wife and I, both of us, like we have two tickets in first class, but they're not together.
5:30
SPEAKER_00: We'd have to separate you.
5:31
SPEAKER_00: Is that okay?
5:31
SPEAKER_00: And I was like, 100%.
5:36
SPEAKER_00: I feel like I won't hurt your feelings.
5:37
SPEAKER_00: I love my wife.
5:38
SPEAKER_00: I'm joking.
5:39
SPEAKER_00: I love my wife.
5:40
SPEAKER_00: We gotta take first class if you can get it.
5:43
SPEAKER_00: They could be like, we have two tickets in first class, but you have to get divorced to have them.
5:46
SPEAKER_00: I would be like, baby, we had a great run.
5:48
SPEAKER_00: I love you.
5:49
SPEAKER_00: Come on, let's get comfy.
5:53
SPEAKER_00: It was cross-country first class, though.
5:54
SPEAKER_00: That's the real deal shit.
5:55
SPEAKER_00: That's where your seat turns into a bed.
5:57
SPEAKER_00: It is weird to get separated from your wife on one of those, because they put me with like a random fat guy.
6:03
SPEAKER_00: And I'm not making fun of her being fat, because some of you are fat, but he was so fat.
6:09
SPEAKER_00: He was coming into my seat.
6:10
SPEAKER_00: Like we were flush shoulder to shoulder, and then we slowly eased back into bed together.
6:18
SPEAKER_00: And then we chose the same movie, and I was like, this is the most romantic date I've ever been on.
6:24
SPEAKER_00: I'm like, if this guy makes a move, I'll bang him right here.
6:27
SPEAKER_00: I don't give a shit.
6:28
SPEAKER_00: We got blankets, turbulence.
6:30
SPEAKER_00: When Harry met Sally's on, it's nice, you know.
6:35
SPEAKER_00: At one point on the flight, I got up, I looked over, my wife had her own guy that she was in bed with.
6:40
SPEAKER_00: And then he was like the hottest guy in the plane.
6:43
SPEAKER_00: And that pissed me off because I was like, I want that guy.
6:45
SPEAKER_00: Switch guys, you take this piece of shit.
6:48
SPEAKER_00: I want the hot guy.
6:50
SPEAKER_00: I paid for these tickets.
6:55
SPEAKER_00: I like watching movies on the plane.
6:56
SPEAKER_00: We all do that, right?
6:57
SPEAKER_00: I like Delta.
6:58
SPEAKER_00: I fly Delta.
6:58
SPEAKER_00: Delta's the best airline.
7:00
SPEAKER_00: They have the best movies on Delta.
7:01
SPEAKER_00: I don't know who categorizes the movies at Delta.
7:03
SPEAKER_00: I don't think they're doing a great job.
7:05
SPEAKER_00: I was on a flight the other day.
7:07
SPEAKER_00: I went to the classic section, and the hangover part two was under classics.
7:14
SPEAKER_00: I swear to God.
7:15
SPEAKER_00: It was To Kill a Mockingbird, It's a Wonderful Life, and The Hangover Part Two.
7:23
SPEAKER_00: Classic.
7:24
SPEAKER_00: I remember the first time I saw the Hangover Part two.
7:26
SPEAKER_00: My grandfather showed it to me.
7:27
SPEAKER_00: It was on Turner Classic Movies, and we watched it on his black and white TV.
7:32
SPEAKER_00: Really bonded.
7:34
SPEAKER_00: That wasn't the most egregious, though.
7:36
SPEAKER_00: The most ridiculous one I went to.
7:37
SPEAKER_00: This is true.
7:37
SPEAKER_00: You can check my Instagram account.
7:39
SPEAKER_00: I went to Documentary, and the movie A Quiet Place was under Documentaries.
7:45
SPEAKER_00: I don't know if you remember that movie.
7:46
SPEAKER_00: That was a summer blockbuster horror movie where monsters kill you if you make a sound.
7:52
SPEAKER_00: Somebody at Delta watched that movie and was like, this is an amazing documentary.
7:58
SPEAKER_00: Holy shit.
7:59
SPEAKER_00: How did I not read about this in the papers?
8:03
SPEAKER_00: I'm glad somebody documented this.
8:07
SPEAKER_00: I'll tell you what I like to do though, though.
8:08
SPEAKER_00: I probably a lot of you guys do this.
8:10
SPEAKER_00: I like to download a movie, bring a laptop on the flight, download a movie, then you can just choose any movie you want.
8:14
SPEAKER_00: But you can use you gotta use some discretion.
8:16
SPEAKER_00: Because everyone around you can see the movie you're watching.
8:18
SPEAKER_00: So you don't want to get too weird with it.
8:20
SPEAKER_00: Like one time I brought the movie Casino.
8:22
SPEAKER_00: You guys all remember that movie, great movie from the 90s, Scorsese, right?
8:26
SPEAKER_00: Very violent.
8:27
SPEAKER_00: If you haven't seen the movie, at one point in the movie, a guy has his head crushed in a vise and his eyeball pops out.
8:33
SPEAKER_00: I looked over, there was a seven-year-old child just staring at my laptop.
8:37
SPEAKER_00: He looked horrified.
8:39
SPEAKER_00: I felt so bad.
8:39
SPEAKER_00: I was like, you know what?
8:40
SPEAKER_00: Take an earbud.
8:41
SPEAKER_00: It'd be better with sound if you could hear it.
8:45
SPEAKER_00: Then he started crying, and I was like, Are you ratting me out right now?
8:48
SPEAKER_00: Because I'll crush your little head in this laptop computer if I have to.
8:54
SPEAKER_00: I was on a plane one time.
8:55
SPEAKER_00: The lady next to me, she was watching Fifty Shades of Grey on her laptop.
8:59
SPEAKER_00: Did you guys see that movie?
9:00
SPEAKER_00: Great documentary.
9:03
SPEAKER_00: It's a classic and a documentary, really.
9:07
SPEAKER_00: Very sexual film.
9:08
SPEAKER_00: I thought she was watching porn at first.
9:10
SPEAKER_00: I was like, good for you, lady.
9:11
SPEAKER_00: Get after it.
9:12
SPEAKER_00: Enjoy yourself.
9:14
SPEAKER_00: The flight attendant came by.
9:15
SPEAKER_00: She was like, Would you like more pretzels?
9:17
SPEAKER_00: I was like, more napkins, if you don't mind.
9:22
SPEAKER_00: I wasn't expecting to see tits on the plane.
9:24
SPEAKER_00: It kind of caught me off guard.
9:28
SPEAKER_00: We were landing.
9:29
SPEAKER_00: She's like, could you bring your tray table up?
9:30
SPEAKER_00: I'm like, I'd rather not write this moment.
9:34
SPEAKER_00: I'm in the full upright lock position myself, so this is a spicier flight than I'm accustomed to.
9:45
SPEAKER_00: I can't uh sleep on the plane.
9:46
SPEAKER_00: Even with first class, I can't sleep on an airplane.
9:48
SPEAKER_00: I don't know about you guys.
9:49
SPEAKER_00: My friend's like, why can't you sleep on an airplane?
9:51
SPEAKER_00: He acts like I'm crazy.
9:52
SPEAKER_00: He's like, why don't you just go to sleep?
9:53
SPEAKER_00: I'm like, I can't.
9:54
SPEAKER_00: And he's like, why?
9:56
SPEAKER_00: I'm like, is that hard to understand?
9:57
SPEAKER_00: That's not a normal sleeping situation.
9:59
SPEAKER_00: That's why.
10:00
SPEAKER_00: Like, if you went home tonight and you went to bed and there was a jet engine idling outside of your bedroom window, don't you think you might be like, I'm gonna have trouble sleeping tonight because of the jet engine outside of my bedroom window.
10:16
SPEAKER_00: And then also somebody replaced your bed with a chair.
10:21
SPEAKER_00: And there were 71 strangers in your bedroom with you.
10:27
SPEAKER_00: And then someone woke you up in the middle of the night to offer you a Coke.
10:34
SPEAKER_00: That's what they do on airplanes.
10:35
SPEAKER_00: Like, I know you're trying to sleep, but do you want a Coke right now?
10:39
SPEAKER_00: I'm like, yeah, yeah, give me a Coke.
10:41
SPEAKER_00: I'd like to break up my sleep with a can of Coke.
10:46
SPEAKER_00: That's how I sleep at home.
10:48
SPEAKER_00: I sleep for four hours.
10:49
SPEAKER_00: I wake up, I drink a can of Coke.
10:52
SPEAKER_00: Kind of spice up my dreams a little bit.
10:55
SPEAKER_00: Sometimes I boil cola right before bed.
10:58
SPEAKER_00: A little sleepy time, Pepsi.
11:02
SPEAKER_00: I love Coke.
11:03
SPEAKER_00: I had to quit Coke.
11:04
SPEAKER_00: I quit uh Coca-Cola.
11:05
SPEAKER_00: I still do blow, obviously.
11:07
SPEAKER_00: You gotta live your life, you know.
11:09
SPEAKER_00: Coke is bad for you.
11:10
SPEAKER_00: I should drink it all the time.
11:11
SPEAKER_00: People would always tell me it's bad.
11:13
SPEAKER_00: People love to do that.
11:13
SPEAKER_00: My friends, people would always say, uh, Coke could take the paint off your car.
11:16
SPEAKER_00: What does that tell you?
11:17
SPEAKER_00: And I'm like, it tells me not to put it on my car.
11:19
SPEAKER_00: That's what I'm not putting it on my car.
11:23
SPEAKER_00: I'm putting it in my body.
11:25
SPEAKER_00: And I don't have any paint in my body.
11:28
SPEAKER_00: If I did have paint in my body, I would want to get rid of it.
11:31
SPEAKER_00: So if you think about it that way, coke's actually a pretty healthy beverage.
11:37
SPEAKER_00: You don't want paint in your body.
11:40
SPEAKER_00: If your kid accidentally swallows some paint, give him a can of Coke.
11:42
SPEAKER_00: Send him back out there.
11:43
SPEAKER_00: He'll be fine.
11:44
SPEAKER_00: It's very healthy.
11:46
SPEAKER_00: My buddy tried to help me sleep on the plane.
11:48
SPEAKER_00: He's like, Do you want to borrow my sleep mask for your flight?
11:52
SPEAKER_00: I was like, I don't.
11:53
SPEAKER_00: Um first of all, I don't need a sleep mask.
11:56
SPEAKER_00: I have a built-in sleep mask called eyelids.
11:58
SPEAKER_00: My eyelids block out the light for me.
12:02
SPEAKER_00: Also, it's not the lighting, it's the farts and the announcements, is what I'm having a hard time with.
12:10
SPEAKER_00: You don't need a mask to sleep.
12:12
SPEAKER_00: Those words don't even go together.
12:13
SPEAKER_00: Sleep mask?
12:15
SPEAKER_00: That's like a masturbation helmet.
12:17
SPEAKER_00: It doesn't, they don't go together.
12:21
SPEAKER_00: Honey, have you seen my masturbation helmet and my bowel movement knee pads?
12:25
SPEAKER_00: They were with my sleep mask earlier.
12:27
SPEAKER_00: Now I can't find any of them.
12:31
SPEAKER_00: I have trouble sleeping at home too because I have anxiety.
12:33
SPEAKER_00: My same friend, he tried to help me with that.
12:35
SPEAKER_00: He goes, the key to falling asleep, he goes, you want to keep your body temperature cool.
12:38
SPEAKER_00: I was like, okay, that makes sense.
12:39
SPEAKER_00: Then he said, one way to do that, you can wear socks and gloves to bed.
12:43
SPEAKER_00: It'll draw heat to those areas and cool the rest of your body.
12:49
SPEAKER_00: I was like, nice.
12:52
SPEAKER_00: I might try that.
12:53
SPEAKER_00: Or I might flick on the air conditioning.
12:55
SPEAKER_00: That might be another thing.
12:58
SPEAKER_00: I'll either wear socks and gloves to bed, like I escaped from an asylum, or perhaps I'll turn on the ceiling fan.
13:08
SPEAKER_00: I might even stick my leg out from underneath the blankets.
13:11
SPEAKER_00: That's another way people have been cooling down for several centuries.
13:18
SPEAKER_00: Good advice though.
13:19
SPEAKER_00: I might do that in the summer, summertime, you know.
13:21
SPEAKER_00: I'll go down to the beach on a hot day and wear a couple of oven mitts and some tube socks.
13:26
SPEAKER_00: Kind of cool down my torso.
13:29
SPEAKER_00: You know how a lot of times people wear gloves to keep their nipples cool.
13:35
SPEAKER_00: Good advice.
13:39
SPEAKER_00: I tried to uh try to get healthy.
13:40
SPEAKER_00: I quit drinking a long time ago, a few years ago, you know.
13:43
SPEAKER_00: Sometimes you oh, thank you.
13:44
SPEAKER_00: I don't know if there's a boo.
13:47
SPEAKER_00: That's usually a sign that you're an alcoholic, by the way.
13:50
SPEAKER_00: If you hear someone be like, I quit drinking, it's almost like boo.
13:57
SPEAKER_00: Always getting too wild.
13:58
SPEAKER_00: Sometimes you get too wild when you're drinking, you know.
14:00
SPEAKER_00: Sometimes I think there's like a placebo effect to drinking a little bit.
14:03
SPEAKER_00: Do you ever think that you see like a person, they're acting like an asshole, they're like, it's the whiskey talking, and then you're like, that's a smear enough ice, and it's your first one.
14:09
SPEAKER_00: So I feel like it's your personality talking, actually.
14:14
SPEAKER_00: I think there's some placebo effect to alcohol.
14:16
SPEAKER_00: Because I haven't had a drink in years, but I had a cold recently, so I went to a health food store and I got a shot of wheatgrass.
14:22
SPEAKER_00: I don't even know what wheatgrass is, but they put it in a shot glass, and I fired it back, and I was like, Who wants to see my dick?
14:26
SPEAKER_00: And I kicked over a table.
14:30
SPEAKER_00: I was like, sorry, that was muscle memory.
14:34
SPEAKER_00: I haven't drank anything one and a half ounces at a time in a while.
14:37
SPEAKER_00: I got fired up.
14:38
SPEAKER_00: I apologize.
14:40
SPEAKER_00: Give me some vitamins, I want to sort them up.
14:45
SPEAKER_00: But it's hard to be healthy.
14:46
SPEAKER_00: It's hard for everyone.
14:47
SPEAKER_00: I'm like on the road all the time.
14:48
SPEAKER_00: I'm traveling, so it's like hard.
14:49
SPEAKER_00: Like sometimes I eat McDonald's because it's the only thing open, and also because it's my favorite restaurant.
14:54
SPEAKER_00: So I was at McDonald's the other day.
14:58
SPEAKER_00: I was dining in.
14:59
SPEAKER_00: Um it's funny, right?
15:02
SPEAKER_00: That's the term they use.
15:04
SPEAKER_00: You order your food, they're like, Will you be dining in?
15:07
SPEAKER_00: I'm like, I'll be eating over there.
15:09
SPEAKER_00: I feel like dining feels a little dramatic.
15:15
SPEAKER_00: I'm going to chew my food in the corner as fast as I possibly can in the hopes that nobody sees me.
15:23
SPEAKER_00: I'm not gonna cut my burger in half and put a cloth napkin in my shirt and light a candle.
15:29
SPEAKER_00: But I was.
15:30
SPEAKER_00: I was dining in and the phone rang while I was at McDonald's.
15:35
SPEAKER_00: That blew my mind.
15:36
SPEAKER_00: You guys don't even seem weird enough by that.
15:38
SPEAKER_00: Not my phone, their phone.
15:40
SPEAKER_00: Somebody called McDonald's on the telephone.
15:44
SPEAKER_00: A human being was at their house and was like, you know who you need to call?
15:46
SPEAKER_00: McDonald's.
15:47
SPEAKER_00: Let me get them on the phone.
15:49
SPEAKER_00: I didn't even know they had a phone.
15:50
SPEAKER_00: The employees didn't know.
15:52
SPEAKER_00: They were like, what the hell is that sound?
15:53
SPEAKER_00: Do we have a phone?
15:54
SPEAKER_00: What?
15:56
SPEAKER_00: Who calls McDonald's?
15:57
SPEAKER_00: I'm like, what are you making?
15:58
SPEAKER_00: Reservations?
16:00
SPEAKER_00: That must have been the breathiest phone call of all time.
16:03
SPEAKER_00: Just, are the new toys in yet?
16:11
SPEAKER_00: I asked the lady, I was like, what was that phone call all about?
16:13
SPEAKER_00: And she was like, it was somebody complaining about the food.
16:17
SPEAKER_00: That blew my mind even more.
16:18
SPEAKER_00: I didn't know we could complain at McDonald's.
16:20
SPEAKER_00: It's shit food.
16:21
SPEAKER_00: That's what you bought.
16:22
SPEAKER_00: That's a gamble.
16:24
SPEAKER_00: I could go to McDonald's.
16:25
SPEAKER_00: My burger could be bleeding.
16:26
SPEAKER_00: I'd be like, that's hilarious.
16:28
SPEAKER_00: You guys are crazy.
16:28
SPEAKER_00: Let's get out of here.
16:32
SPEAKER_00: Imagine complaining to a McDonald's employee.
16:34
SPEAKER_00: Excuse me, my meal wasn't great.
16:35
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, my fucking life isn't great.
16:37
SPEAKER_00: Are you shitting me?
16:39
SPEAKER_00: Go to a real restaurant, asshole.
16:41
SPEAKER_00: I don't care.
16:45
SPEAKER_00: You can complain at McDonald's, I think, if they get your meal wrong.
16:48
SPEAKER_00: That's like one thing.
16:48
SPEAKER_00: You get your meal in the right way, you know.
16:51
SPEAKER_00: But even that's not great.
16:52
SPEAKER_00: You could be like, uh, excuse me, you put pickles on this.
16:54
SPEAKER_00: I don't really like pickles.
16:55
SPEAKER_00: And what they do for you, they'll take the pickles off and they eat them while making eye contact with you, and then they slide your burger back to you.
17:06
SPEAKER_00: I had a complaint recently at McDonald's, but I didn't complain because I'm a good American, goddammit.
17:10
SPEAKER_00: This is my complaint.
17:11
SPEAKER_00: I went to the McDonald's and I ordered my meal.
17:13
SPEAKER_00: My meal came to$9.89, and I paid with a$10 bill.
17:17
SPEAKER_00: My change is 11 cents, and the woman went, Do you need your 11 cents or no?
17:23
SPEAKER_00: I thought that was weird.
17:24
SPEAKER_00: Once again, none of you are affected by this.
17:26
SPEAKER_00: I thought that was strange.
17:27
SPEAKER_00: I was like, Well, I would like it.
17:29
SPEAKER_00: That belongs to me.
17:30
SPEAKER_00: So typically you would just give that to me at this point in the transaction.
17:34
SPEAKER_00: But she was like, right, but do you need it?
17:39
SPEAKER_00: And I was like, I don't need it.
17:40
SPEAKER_00: No, I guess not.
17:41
SPEAKER_00: And then she was like, great, thank you.
17:43
SPEAKER_00: She took it out of the drawer, put it in her pocket, and just walked away.
17:46
SPEAKER_00: And I was like, what the fuck just happened to me?
17:49
SPEAKER_00: I just got robbed with my permission.
17:51
SPEAKER_00: That was very strange.
17:54
SPEAKER_00: It was like a Jedi McMind trick.
17:57
SPEAKER_00: She's like, you don't need your 11 cents.
17:58
SPEAKER_00: I'm like, I guess I don't.
17:59
SPEAKER_00: Take it.
18:01
SPEAKER_00: I eat a lot of fast food.
18:02
SPEAKER_00: I eat Chipotle a lot.
18:04
SPEAKER_00: That's like my go-to.
18:06
SPEAKER_00: Thank you.
18:08
SPEAKER_00: A Chipotle.
18:09
SPEAKER_00: I live here in New York.
18:09
SPEAKER_00: Now, when you go to fast food restaurants in New York City, they have like a secret code on the bathroom door.
18:14
SPEAKER_00: Because like they don't want, if you don't have a secret code in New York, people will move into your bathroom.
18:18
SPEAKER_00: They're like, this is our apartment now.
18:21
SPEAKER_00: But I don't know if you know this.
18:22
SPEAKER_00: When you go to the middle of the country, people don't want to live in the Chipotle bathroom.
18:25
SPEAKER_00: So there's no code on the bathroom door.
18:28
SPEAKER_00: Which is confusing to us New Yorkers.
18:30
SPEAKER_00: Like I was I was in like rural Illinois recently, and I went to a Chipotle and I walked up to the counter and I was like, hey, what is the uh bathroom code?
18:37
SPEAKER_00: And the guy had no idea what I was talking about.
18:40
SPEAKER_00: He was like, um, number one, urine.
18:42
SPEAKER_00: Number two, shit.
18:47
SPEAKER_00: Like, is that the code you're asking me for?
18:50
SPEAKER_00: I was like, no, I know that code, of course.
18:53
SPEAKER_00: That's the most popular bathroom code, of course.
18:55
SPEAKER_00: Number one, pee, number two, poo.
18:57
SPEAKER_00: We all know that.
18:58
SPEAKER_00: That's international.
19:00
SPEAKER_00: That's all over the world.
19:01
SPEAKER_00: This should be a statue or a plaque to whoever came up with the number one, number two system.
19:06
SPEAKER_00: I Googled it for like three straight days.
19:08
SPEAKER_00: I couldn't get to the bottom of who came up with it.
19:11
SPEAKER_00: I think this though, I think it was a woman.
19:13
SPEAKER_00: I think a woman came up with it because I think women like to let you know when they have to go number two, but they don't want to say anything because it's not socially acceptable.
19:20
SPEAKER_00: Like my wife, she lets me know when she has to go number two.
19:23
SPEAKER_00: She telegraphs it slightly.
19:24
SPEAKER_00: This is what she does.
19:25
SPEAKER_00: She scrunches up her body and then she whispers, she goes, I have to go to the bathroom.
19:32
SPEAKER_00: And I'm like, Did you date a guy that hit you when you shit?
19:37
SPEAKER_00: Why do you look afraid of me right now?
19:40
SPEAKER_00: Baby, I love you.
19:41
SPEAKER_00: Get in there, let it rip.
19:44
SPEAKER_00: Am I putting on an anti-bobble movement vibe?
19:48
SPEAKER_00: I'm pro-shitting.
19:49
SPEAKER_00: We can make out why you do it.
19:51
SPEAKER_00: I like it.
19:52
SPEAKER_00: I'm not I'm not into shitting, but you gotta get it out there.
19:57
SPEAKER_00: I'm cool with the bathroom.
19:59
SPEAKER_00: I have no bathroom uh issue.
20:00
SPEAKER_00: I have one bathroom issue, but this is only I think only men deal with this.
20:03
SPEAKER_00: At some point, uh, men reach an age where at some point they start taking their penis out several feet before they arrive at a urinal or stall.
20:14
SPEAKER_00: I don't like that.
20:15
SPEAKER_00: I don't know when that starts happening.
20:18
SPEAKER_00: Every once in a while, I'm in a public restroom.
20:20
SPEAKER_00: You just see a guy like, ah, I gotta take a piss.
20:24
SPEAKER_00: I'm like, dude, you gotta leave earlier or get less complicated pants.
20:29
SPEAKER_00: Something's going wrong.
20:31
SPEAKER_00: It's not like taking your keys out before you get to your car.
20:34
SPEAKER_00: It's offensive.
20:37
SPEAKER_00: I think that's just men, by the way.
20:38
SPEAKER_00: I don't go to ladies' rooms, but I don't picture women being like, heads up, Barbara! I had too many coffees.
20:43
SPEAKER_00: Whoa, Sue, great ladia.
20:45
SPEAKER_00: I've got anyways.
20:56
SPEAKER_00: I'm trying to eat healthier.
20:57
SPEAKER_00: It's hard.
20:58
SPEAKER_00: I tried to go vegetarian for like a week.
20:59
SPEAKER_00: I was like, let me go one week, detox, vegetarian.
21:02
SPEAKER_00: I didn't, I tried.
21:03
SPEAKER_00: I didn't do great.
21:04
SPEAKER_00: I went five days.
21:05
SPEAKER_00: I ate spaghettios, MMs, and fruit loops exclusively for five straight days.
21:09
SPEAKER_00: And I was like, I feel like shit, my teeth hurt.
21:11
SPEAKER_00: This diet sucks.
21:14
SPEAKER_00: I broke the diet by accident.
21:16
SPEAKER_00: Day six, I ordered spaghetti and meatballs at a restaurant.
21:18
SPEAKER_00: I swear to God, this is true.
21:19
SPEAKER_00: I'm an idiot.
21:20
SPEAKER_00: I was halfway through before I was like, you know what?
21:22
SPEAKER_00: I think there might be meat in meatballs.
21:23
SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna let me just double check on this.
21:27
SPEAKER_00: I was like, by any chance you guys not put meat in your meatballs?
21:30
SPEAKER_00: You do.
21:31
SPEAKER_00: This ball, your balls of meat.
21:32
SPEAKER_00: Okay, that's great.
21:33
SPEAKER_00: Thank you.
21:34
SPEAKER_00: Do you need fruit loops by any chance?
21:36
SPEAKER_00: I wanna.
21:41
SPEAKER_00: I wanna be healthy.
21:42
SPEAKER_00: I feel like I'm relatively healthy.
21:43
SPEAKER_00: I went to the doctor uh recently.
21:45
SPEAKER_00: I can afford to go to the doctor now.
21:46
SPEAKER_00: I still don't have health insurance, but like I can afford a visit.
21:49
SPEAKER_00: I'm not this is where I'm at financially.
21:50
SPEAKER_00: I'm not rich, but um here's where I'm at.
21:53
SPEAKER_00: I had a big milestone recently.
21:55
SPEAKER_00: This is my point in life.
21:56
SPEAKER_00: If I pay for something with a debit card and it doesn't go through, I say Run it again.
22:05
SPEAKER_00: That's like a big moment in your life.
22:08
SPEAKER_00: Most of my lives are like, that didn't go through.
22:09
SPEAKER_00: I'm like, that makes perfect sense.
22:10
SPEAKER_00: I'll get the hell out of here.
22:12
SPEAKER_00: I apologize.
22:13
SPEAKER_00: I hate myself.
22:14
SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna move back in with my parents.
22:15
SPEAKER_00: Still call the cops.
22:16
SPEAKER_00: But now I'm like, no way, that's on you.
22:19
SPEAKER_00: I got 300 bones in there.
22:25
SPEAKER_00: I went to the doctor.
22:26
SPEAKER_00: It's nice to go to the doctor, you know.
22:27
SPEAKER_00: I went to the ear doctor.
22:28
SPEAKER_00: Most people don't go to the ear doctor.
22:30
SPEAKER_00: In fact, so few people go to the ear doctor, they had to combine forces with the nose and throat doctor.
22:36
SPEAKER_00: That's one doctor, ear-nose throat.
22:39
SPEAKER_00: That's the only doctor that combines body parts.
22:42
SPEAKER_00: There's no doctor that's like, I'm foot, pussy, forehead.
22:44
SPEAKER_00: Those are my three areas.
22:48
SPEAKER_00: Cool, man.
22:50
SPEAKER_00: He's like, yeah, those are my three favorites.
22:52
SPEAKER_00: So I just studied those, and now I'm like, nice.
22:54
SPEAKER_00: That's awesome.
22:57
SPEAKER_00: So I went to the ear-nose throat doctor, which is a cool doctor.
23:00
SPEAKER_00: It's one doctor.
23:01
SPEAKER_00: He knows all three body parts.
23:02
SPEAKER_00: I was hoping it was three doctors saving money by sharing a small office.
23:06
SPEAKER_00: He's like, I'm Bill, this is Susan and Ted.
23:08
SPEAKER_00: Ear-nose throat.
23:09
SPEAKER_00: Who do you need?
23:10
SPEAKER_00: And they all kind of I went for my ear.
23:14
SPEAKER_00: I have an ear issue called uh tinnitus or tinnitus.
23:17
SPEAKER_00: That's when your ears ring, you got it?
23:18
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, it's frustrating.
23:19
SPEAKER_00: It's when your ears ring or buzz all the time.
23:21
SPEAKER_00: I don't know how you say it.
23:22
SPEAKER_00: I thought it was called tinnitus.
23:24
SPEAKER_00: But then I watched a YouTube video, and the doctor on the video, he kept saying tinnitus.
23:28
SPEAKER_00: And so then I was like, oh, I guess it's pronounced tinnitus.
23:31
SPEAKER_00: But then I went to the comment section, and the first comment said, This guy's a fake ass fucking retard doctor.
23:38
SPEAKER_00: It's pronounced tonight us.
23:41
SPEAKER_00: All caps.
23:44
SPEAKER_00: And then I was like, shit, now I don't know how to say this word.
23:49
SPEAKER_00: This gentleman's a doctor, he seems very smart.
23:52
SPEAKER_00: This fella seems less smart, but extremely adamant about the pronunciation of this word.
23:57
SPEAKER_00: Tomato tomato.
23:58
SPEAKER_00: However you say it.
23:59
SPEAKER_00: If you haven't, don't go to the doctor.
24:00
SPEAKER_00: They don't do shit.
24:02
SPEAKER_00: I went to the doctor.
24:03
SPEAKER_00: I was like, doc, I have a tinnitus or tinnadist, whatever you guys are calling it.
24:06
SPEAKER_00: My ears are ringing.
24:07
SPEAKER_00: And then he said, okay, I'm gonna test your hearing.
24:10
SPEAKER_00: And I was like, oh no, that's okay.
24:11
SPEAKER_00: My hearing is great.
24:12
SPEAKER_00: I hear everything plus ringing.
24:14
SPEAKER_00: So I kind of have superpower hearing, if you think about it.
24:20
SPEAKER_00: I'm hearing shit that's not even in the room.
24:24
SPEAKER_00: He gave me the hearing test.
24:25
SPEAKER_00: I passed it, nailed it.
24:26
SPEAKER_00: Great hearing.
24:26
SPEAKER_00: Then he said, uh, I'm gonna look in your ears to make sure it's nothing obvious.
24:31
SPEAKER_00: I thought that was kind of hilarious because he didn't explain what obvious would be.
24:36
SPEAKER_00: Like he's gonna look in my ear and be like, oh, there's a tiny alarm clock in your ear canal.
24:41
SPEAKER_00: That's a very rare condition.
24:43
SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna reach in there and hit the snooze for you.
24:46
SPEAKER_00: You'll be fine for like nine minutes.
24:48
SPEAKER_00: But he looked at my ear.
24:51
SPEAKER_00: It was nothing obvious.
24:52
SPEAKER_00: So then he was out of things.
24:55
SPEAKER_00: He's like, Well, your hearing is great, and it's nothing obvious causing the problem.
24:57
SPEAKER_00: Then he said this.
24:58
SPEAKER_00: He goes, You have an overbite, might have something to do with your overbite.
25:03
SPEAKER_00: That was it.
25:03
SPEAKER_00: No science, no confidence.
25:06
SPEAKER_00: He just picked out a thing I'm physically self-conscious about.
25:10
SPEAKER_00: I was like, maybe that?
25:13
SPEAKER_00: Could be your small dick, also.
25:15
SPEAKER_00: I don't know.
25:17
SPEAKER_00: You have a lot of problems.
25:18
SPEAKER_00: You're very unattractive.
25:19
SPEAKER_00: And I'm like, that's unfair.
25:25
SPEAKER_00: I always feel insulted at the doctor.
25:26
SPEAKER_00: Don't you feel so vulnerable at the doctor?
25:28
SPEAKER_00: Everything he says.
25:28
SPEAKER_00: He tried to explain tinnitus.
25:30
SPEAKER_00: He's like, you have tiny little hairs in your ear.
25:32
SPEAKER_00: And I was like, you have big hairs in your nose, asshole.
25:35
SPEAKER_00: Why do you leave me alone, you bully?
25:41
SPEAKER_00: Then he said uh, he goes, I recommend getting a white noise machine.
25:44
SPEAKER_00: And I was like, You're a white noise machine.
25:48
SPEAKER_00: I was like, what does a white noise machine do?
25:50
SPEAKER_00: He goes, Well, that way you're hearing the white noise instead of the sound that you're hearing.
25:54
SPEAKER_00: And I was like, right.
25:55
SPEAKER_00: The sound I'm hearing is white noise.
25:57
SPEAKER_00: Like, I have a white noise machine in my head.
25:59
SPEAKER_00: That's the issue.
26:01
SPEAKER_00: You're telling me to get surround sound of the problem I'm telling you I have.
26:06
SPEAKER_00: That'd be like if you had a bad smell in your nose and you went to the doctor and he was like, put a little dog shit on your lip.
26:14
SPEAKER_00: Just every morning, scoop a little dog shit on your upper lip.
26:16
SPEAKER_00: That's what I would do.
26:18
SPEAKER_00: That way you're smelling dog shit.
26:21
SPEAKER_00: That'll be$8,000.
26:22
SPEAKER_00: We don't take any insurance.
26:24
SPEAKER_00: God bless America.
26:28
SPEAKER_00: Then I went to the dentist.
26:30
SPEAKER_00: I'll be going to the dentist a lot.
26:31
SPEAKER_00: I didn't go to the dentist for like 10 years.
26:33
SPEAKER_00: Don't skip years.
26:33
SPEAKER_00: I thought you could just skip over those years, but they make you make up for the time you missed.
26:37
SPEAKER_00: I hate the dentist.
26:38
SPEAKER_00: I love my dentist personally.
26:40
SPEAKER_00: Like he's a good guy.
26:40
SPEAKER_00: We're friends.
26:41
SPEAKER_00: I love him.
26:41
SPEAKER_00: But dentists are the doctor I trust the least.
26:44
SPEAKER_00: I think they're just making shit up.
26:45
SPEAKER_00: Like cavities, I feel like those are completely made up by the dental industry.
26:50
SPEAKER_00: Nobody's on board with this, but my dentist's like, you have a cavity, and I was like, Do I?
26:54
SPEAKER_00: It doesn't hurt.
26:55
SPEAKER_00: And he's like, cavities don't always hurt.
26:57
SPEAKER_00: And I was like, I don't see anything.
26:58
SPEAKER_00: And he's like, you can't really see cavities.
27:02
SPEAKER_00: I was like, this is awfully convenient for you, isn't it?
27:06
SPEAKER_00: It doesn't hurt and I can't see it, but you need to fix it?
27:09
SPEAKER_00: That's a little suspicious, if you ask me.
27:11
SPEAKER_00: He's like, you can ignore it, but it'll turn into a root canal.
27:14
SPEAKER_00: And I was like, no, I feel like you're threatening me.
27:15
SPEAKER_00: I think you're making shit up and you're threatening me with it.
27:18
SPEAKER_00: I was like, whatever, fill it, I guess.
27:20
SPEAKER_00: He filled the cavity.
27:21
SPEAKER_00: I think he filled it.
27:21
SPEAKER_00: I have no idea.
27:23
SPEAKER_00: They numb your mouth.
27:24
SPEAKER_00: You can't feel what they're doing, and you can't see what they're doing.
27:26
SPEAKER_00: So he might have been crocheting.
27:27
SPEAKER_00: I have no idea what this guy did.
27:29
SPEAKER_00: But he charged me 500 bucks, which seemed high, you know.
27:31
SPEAKER_00: And then I went back six months later.
27:33
SPEAKER_00: You gotta go every six months.
27:34
SPEAKER_00: And this time I needed a root canal.
27:35
SPEAKER_00: Different tooth.
27:36
SPEAKER_00: Wasn't even hurting.
27:37
SPEAKER_00: He's like, you need a root canal.
27:38
SPEAKER_00: And I was like, which tooth?
27:39
SPEAKER_00: He's like, whichever one you want.
27:40
SPEAKER_00: Just pick a tooth.
27:40
SPEAKER_00: I just want to make some extra cash for the holidays.
27:44
SPEAKER_00: I was like, Are you sure I need a root canal?
27:46
SPEAKER_00: He's like, oh yeah.
27:46
SPEAKER_00: He showed me the x-ray.
27:47
SPEAKER_00: Doctors love to show you the x-ray as though you've read an x-ray at any point in your entire life.
27:52
SPEAKER_00: He tossed it up there.
27:53
SPEAKER_00: He's like, take a look.
27:57
SPEAKER_00: I'm like, I don't know what that is.
27:59
SPEAKER_00: I don't.
28:00
SPEAKER_00: I read books and tweets almost exclusively.
28:02
SPEAKER_00: I don't.
28:04
SPEAKER_00: And he's like, see how it's all white right here?
28:06
SPEAKER_00: And I'm like, well, it's a black and white photo.
28:08
SPEAKER_00: So the whole goddamn photo is white.
28:13
SPEAKER_00: I was like, I can't afford a rookinet.
28:14
SPEAKER_00: I was like, what are those, like$3,000?
28:16
SPEAKER_00: He goes, they're not$3,000.
28:17
SPEAKER_00: He said like I was an idiot.
28:18
SPEAKER_00: He's like, they're not$3,000.
28:20
SPEAKER_00: And I'm like, all right, well, I'm not a dentist, and you're a menu with prices on it, okay?
28:25
SPEAKER_00: I was like, how much do they cost?
28:26
SPEAKER_00: He said$1,800.
28:29
SPEAKER_00: Which is a little frustrating because I feel like I was in the ballpark.
28:32
SPEAKER_00: It's not like I said$75,000.
28:34
SPEAKER_00: I was pretty close.
28:36
SPEAKER_00: They did the root canal, which was fine.
28:38
SPEAKER_00: And then afterwards, he's like, now you need a crown.
28:39
SPEAKER_00: And I was like, how much did the crown cost?
28:41
SPEAKER_00: And with a straight face, he said,$1,200.
28:46
SPEAKER_00: I swear to God, that's not even a joke at all.
28:49
SPEAKER_00: I was like, what?
28:51
SPEAKER_00: I'm sorry.
28:52
SPEAKER_00: That sounds an awful lot like$3,000.
28:56
SPEAKER_00: You could have at least given me the satisfaction of nailing it.
29:00
SPEAKER_00: I should get both prizes for getting the.
29:06
SPEAKER_00: Have you guys had root canals?
29:07
SPEAKER_00: They're a bummer.
29:07
SPEAKER_00: They're not that bad.
29:08
SPEAKER_00: I've had like nine in the last three weeks, but they cut their hooks in me.
29:14
SPEAKER_00: They're not that bad.
29:15
SPEAKER_00: They numb your mouth, like I said.
29:16
SPEAKER_00: So it doesn't hurt, but this is what they do.
29:17
SPEAKER_00: They drill into your tooth.
29:19
SPEAKER_00: I won't get too grab, but they drill into your tooth, and they just pull the roots out.
29:21
SPEAKER_00: They toss them or plant them.
29:23
SPEAKER_00: I don't know what they're doing with the roots.
29:24
SPEAKER_00: They collect them.
29:25
SPEAKER_00: Then they do what they do is they whittle your tooth down to like a little piece of shit nub, and then they glue a fake tooth on top of that, and then they go like this.
29:33
SPEAKER_00: We saved it.
29:34
SPEAKER_00: We saved your tooth.
29:36
SPEAKER_00: I'm like, you did, you saved it.
29:38
SPEAKER_00: You did quite a bit of damage right before you saved it.
29:43
SPEAKER_00: Most of my tooth is on my glasses right now, but you fixed it up new.
29:49
unknown: I am.
29:50
SPEAKER_00: I'd be like if you're about to get a haircut and they just shaved your head and gave you a wig and they're like, we fixed it.
29:54
SPEAKER_00: It looks a lot better.
29:55
SPEAKER_00: It looked ridiculous for a minute there.
29:58
SPEAKER_00: That'll be 1800 for the haircut and 1,200 for the wig.
30:02
SPEAKER_00: It's a package deal.
30:07
SPEAKER_00: Then I went to the eye doctor.
30:08
SPEAKER_00: I got an eye exam.
30:08
SPEAKER_00: I didn't get an eye exam for like 10 years.
30:10
SPEAKER_00: Do you know why I didn't get an eye exam for 10 years?
30:12
SPEAKER_00: Because I was basically off dental prices.
30:13
SPEAKER_00: I thought I couldn't afford an eye exam.
30:16
SPEAKER_00: I was like, it cost me$3,500 to fix two teeth that weren't even bothering me.
30:20
SPEAKER_00: What the hell is eyesight gonna cost?
30:25
SPEAKER_00: $75.
30:26
SPEAKER_00: That's how much.
30:27
SPEAKER_00: That's how much an eye exam costs in New York City.
30:29
SPEAKER_00: $75.
30:30
SPEAKER_00: I showed up with$5,000 in my pocket.
30:37
SPEAKER_00: I walked in there with all my money.
30:39
SPEAKER_00: I was like, just let me see again.
30:40
SPEAKER_00: I'll give you the rest when I have it.
30:43
SPEAKER_00: They're like, that'll be$75.
30:45
SPEAKER_00: I'm like, are you shitting me?
30:46
SPEAKER_00: Give me two eye exams.
30:47
SPEAKER_00: Double check both eyes.
30:48
SPEAKER_00: I'll pay for that.
30:49
SPEAKER_00: I'll pay for everybody's eye exams all day.
30:52
SPEAKER_00: I'm like Daddy Warbucks in here.
30:56
SPEAKER_00: I don't think eye doctors have any idea how much dentists are charging out there.
31:00
SPEAKER_00: They could really up their prices if they wanted to.
31:04
SPEAKER_00: I thought maybe like eye doctors, like the lowest self-esteem doctor.
31:07
SPEAKER_00: They're like, can you read the bottom line?
31:09
SPEAKER_00: It's fine if you can't.
31:10
SPEAKER_00: I can't either.
31:10
SPEAKER_00: I'm a fucking idiot.
31:12
SPEAKER_00: Stupid.
31:13
SPEAKER_00: My dad hates me.
31:14
SPEAKER_00: And you're like, geez, you're alright.
31:19
SPEAKER_00: How are teeth more expensive than eyes?
31:21
SPEAKER_00: That's like unbelievable to me.
31:23
SPEAKER_00: You have so many more teeth.
31:26
SPEAKER_00: If you lose a tooth, nobody even notices.
31:29
SPEAKER_00: If you lose an eye, you have a new nickname.
31:31
SPEAKER_00: People notice.
31:35
SPEAKER_00: If you lose an eye, your friends are gonna be like, didn't you used to have multiple eyes?
31:39
SPEAKER_00: You did, you had two.
31:40
SPEAKER_00: I thought you had two.
31:44
SPEAKER_00: Plus, teeth has other options, too.
31:46
SPEAKER_00: Like, if you can't afford a root canal, they can pull the tooth for you.
31:48
SPEAKER_00: It takes like three minutes.
31:49
SPEAKER_00: It's fairly cheap.
31:50
SPEAKER_00: They don't have that at the eye doctor, you know?
31:52
SPEAKER_00: You're like, I can't read the bottom line.
31:54
SPEAKER_00: You're like, wants to pull that out?
31:55
SPEAKER_00: We can toss that thing right away for you.
31:57
SPEAKER_00: They'll give you some gauze and some Vicodin.
31:59
SPEAKER_00: Don't eat anything solid for a couple days.
32:03
SPEAKER_00: I'm going to therapy.
32:04
SPEAKER_00: You guys going to therapy out there?
32:06
SPEAKER_00: Mental and dental.
32:08
SPEAKER_00: No?
32:08
SPEAKER_00: Not a big therapy.
32:10
SPEAKER_00: In New York, too.
32:12
SPEAKER_00: I love it.
32:13
SPEAKER_00: I can do it for you.
32:13
SPEAKER_00: If you guys wanted to go, maybe you can't afford it.
32:15
SPEAKER_00: I can do it for you.
32:16
SPEAKER_00: I don't I didn't go to college or anything, but I know how to do therapy.
32:18
SPEAKER_00: I've been going long enough.
32:19
SPEAKER_00: Whatever you're dealing with, it's because of your family.
32:22
SPEAKER_00: Look no further than your own family.
32:26
SPEAKER_00: That's all therapy is.
32:27
SPEAKER_00: You complain about your problems, and then he says, it's your family.
32:29
SPEAKER_00: And then you're like, still, great.
32:30
SPEAKER_00: Then you give him your money, and then you leave.
32:33
SPEAKER_00: At first I was skeptical.
32:34
SPEAKER_00: I was like, I don't know.
32:35
SPEAKER_00: And then I spent 11 seconds with my family, and I was like, he nailed it.
32:37
SPEAKER_00: These are the worst people I've ever met in my life.
32:40
SPEAKER_00: I don't know how I didn't see this earlier.
32:45
SPEAKER_00: My Aunt Betty, she's a big source of my anxiety.
32:47
SPEAKER_00: I don't know if you guys know her at all.
32:50
SPEAKER_00: She was a babysitter, late 80s, early 90s.
32:54
SPEAKER_00: I have anxiety.
32:55
SPEAKER_00: That's like my big issue.
32:56
SPEAKER_00: I think I know where my anxiety began.
32:58
SPEAKER_00: I think it was because of my Aunt Betty.
32:59
SPEAKER_00: When I was eight years old, this is a true story.
33:00
SPEAKER_00: My Aunt Betty said this to me.
33:01
SPEAKER_00: She said, Joe, my biggest fear.
33:03
SPEAKER_00: She told me her biggest fear.
33:05
SPEAKER_00: I didn't ask her what her biggest fear was because I was eight years old.
33:09
SPEAKER_00: I did not give a shit about her fears, but she told me anyway.
33:13
SPEAKER_00: She said, My biggest fear is that when I go to the bathroom, there'll be a man hiding behind the shower curtain, waiting to get me.
33:22
SPEAKER_00: And I was like, Well, that's my biggest fear now, also.
33:29
SPEAKER_00: Previously, my biggest fear had been wetting my pants, but that's now the solution to avoiding my new biggest fear: entering the bathroom at my parents' house.
33:42
SPEAKER_00: My parents are like, What do you want for your ninth birthday?
33:44
SPEAKER_00: I'm like, How about a urinal in my bedroom?
33:46
SPEAKER_00: And maybe a firearm and a new babysitter, the big three.
33:53
SPEAKER_00: That was my big fear when I was a kid, wetting my pants.
33:55
SPEAKER_00: If you get like frightened of anything or scared, which I was scared of everything, if you get frightened by something, you can just urinate right in your pants.
34:02
SPEAKER_00: And then your life is ruined.
34:03
SPEAKER_00: That's a weird mind-body connection I never understood.
34:06
SPEAKER_00: Like your brain is like, I'm terrified.
34:08
SPEAKER_00: And then your bladder's like, we'll go ahead and piss then.
34:14
SPEAKER_00: And then your brain's like, that didn't help at all.
34:17
SPEAKER_00: And your bladder's like, that's all we know how to do.
34:19
SPEAKER_00: We just want to let you know we were helping.
34:23
SPEAKER_00: And then your colon's like, we're ready to rock also if you want us to fire something up.
34:30
SPEAKER_00: Fortunately, my Aunt Betty was never attacked by a man behind the shower curtain, which is good.
34:35
SPEAKER_00: I mean, it can still happen.
34:36
SPEAKER_00: She's still alive.
34:38
SPEAKER_00: It probably won't.
34:39
SPEAKER_00: She lives with her parents.
34:40
SPEAKER_00: They have a security system set up.
34:42
SPEAKER_00: She's always lived with her parents.
34:43
SPEAKER_00: She's never moved out, she's never been married.
34:45
SPEAKER_00: She had the wrong worst fear.
34:48
SPEAKER_00: Um, she should have been praying for a man behind that shower curtain.
34:55
SPEAKER_00: She might have been held to scooch on out of that house, but that joke up mean, evidently, but she's an asshole in real life.
35:02
SPEAKER_00: Don't worry about it.
35:03
SPEAKER_00: You guys really took her side.
35:04
SPEAKER_00: That hurt my feelings, goddammit.
35:05
SPEAKER_00: What about my feelings?
35:09
SPEAKER_00: I'll tell you what's good about therapy.
35:10
SPEAKER_00: You get a diagnosis.
35:11
SPEAKER_00: You find out what's going on, like what's wrong, you know?
35:13
SPEAKER_00: Like we're all fucked up, you know.
35:15
SPEAKER_00: You go to therapy, you get a diagnosis.
35:16
SPEAKER_00: Like, I have OCD, obsessive compulsive disorder, which is fun.
35:20
SPEAKER_00: I like to say I have it.
35:21
SPEAKER_00: Some people will word it differently.
35:22
SPEAKER_00: Some people will say this, I am OCD.
35:24
SPEAKER_00: You ever meet those people?
35:26
SPEAKER_00: They're like, I gotta go wash my hands, I'm OCD.
35:29
SPEAKER_00: That triggers my OCD.
35:31
SPEAKER_00: Because I'm like, you're not saying it properly.
35:33
SPEAKER_00: I guess it sounds normal, because you hear it, so it sounds normal.
35:35
SPEAKER_00: But watch me replace it with something else.
35:37
SPEAKER_00: I gotta go wash my hands, I'm genital herpes.
35:39
SPEAKER_00: See how that's like I'm sorry, you have genital?
35:45
SPEAKER_00: No, no, I am genital herpes.
35:48
SPEAKER_00: It's who I am.
35:49
SPEAKER_00: Call me Jen for short.
35:50
SPEAKER_00: It's very serious.
35:54
SPEAKER_00: I'm trying to relax more.
35:56
SPEAKER_00: It's hard.
35:56
SPEAKER_00: I got into Buddhism.
35:57
SPEAKER_00: I'm like a Buddhist, sort of.
35:58
SPEAKER_00: I read a Buddhist book, you know.
35:59
SPEAKER_00: It wasn't a book, it was a meme, if I'm being honest with you guys, but I like to say book.
36:04
SPEAKER_00: You sound smarter when you say you read a book.
36:06
SPEAKER_00: But memes are more, they're preferable, they're more succinct, you know.
36:10
SPEAKER_00: This is what it said, and a good quote.
36:11
SPEAKER_00: It said, let negative thoughts come into your head, but don't serve them tea.
36:19
SPEAKER_00: Because you don't want your negative thoughts lingering around drinking tea.
36:24
SPEAKER_00: That's like the analogy, I guess.
36:25
SPEAKER_00: My negative thoughts aren't drinking tea.
36:26
SPEAKER_00: Mine are doing cocaine.
36:27
SPEAKER_00: That's a better analogy.
36:29
SPEAKER_00: My negative thoughts are like climate change is gonna make the world uninhabitable.
36:33
SPEAKER_00: Tomorrow! Jesus.
36:41
SPEAKER_00: I read this: human beings have up to 70,000 thoughts a day.
36:44
SPEAKER_00: Did you guys know that?
36:45
SPEAKER_00: I thought it was like nine.
36:46
SPEAKER_00: I had no idea.
36:48
SPEAKER_00: 70,000 is too many.
36:49
SPEAKER_00: I don't think I have 70,000 thoughts a day.
36:51
SPEAKER_00: I feel like I have four thoughts a day.
36:52
SPEAKER_00: They just repeat 70,000 times.
36:56
SPEAKER_00: My four thoughts are my parents gonna die, I'm horny.
36:58
SPEAKER_00: Is that cancer?
36:59
SPEAKER_00: Is this funny?
37:00
SPEAKER_00: Those are the only four thoughts I ever have in my life.
37:11
SPEAKER_00: I've been traveling a lot.
37:12
SPEAKER_00: It's stressful to travel.
37:13
SPEAKER_00: I went to uh Israel last year.
37:15
SPEAKER_00: I don't know if you guys have been.
37:16
SPEAKER_00: It's New York, you probably have.
37:20
SPEAKER_00: I went to the Dead Sea.
37:21
SPEAKER_00: That's like a big attraction in Israel.
37:22
SPEAKER_00: You guys know about the Dead Sea, even if you've never been, you're familiar.
37:25
SPEAKER_00: But you can float, that's like the big attraction to the Dead Sea.
37:27
SPEAKER_00: You float.
37:28
SPEAKER_00: I don't know if you guys know this.
37:29
SPEAKER_00: Did you know this?
37:30
SPEAKER_00: You can actually float in any body of water.
37:32
SPEAKER_00: You do not have to travel to the Middle East if you'd like to float in water.
37:36
SPEAKER_00: You can do that right here in America.
37:39
SPEAKER_00: They don't know that over there.
37:40
SPEAKER_00: They're like, get in the water, you'll float! I'm like, we have chairs that float.
37:45
SPEAKER_00: They have little cup holders.
37:46
SPEAKER_00: We do it all summer.
37:47
SPEAKER_00: It's terrific.
37:49
SPEAKER_00: We got foam noodles, you can buy them for three bucks.
37:53
SPEAKER_00: But I went.
37:54
SPEAKER_00: I didn't want to go to it, but you gotta try new things.
37:56
SPEAKER_00: That's very important in life.
37:57
SPEAKER_00: That's what they say.
37:58
SPEAKER_00: I think new things are overrated, honestly.
38:00
SPEAKER_00: Once you get to a certain age.
38:01
SPEAKER_00: I'm 37.
38:02
SPEAKER_00: I like chicken parm and missionary sex.
38:04
SPEAKER_00: That's all I'm really into.
38:07
SPEAKER_00: People were like, what about veal and reverse cowgirl?
38:09
SPEAKER_00: I'm like, those are inhumane, if you ask me.
38:11
SPEAKER_00: I don't think we should live.
38:16
SPEAKER_00: But I went to the Dead Sea.
38:17
SPEAKER_00: I had a tour guide, he gave me some fun facts with the Dead Sea.
38:19
SPEAKER_00: He said it's the lowest body of water on earth.
38:21
SPEAKER_00: And I was like, oh, that's neat.
38:22
SPEAKER_00: Then he added a second part that I thought was annoying.
38:24
SPEAKER_00: He said, he goes, uh, it's actually below sea level.
38:28
SPEAKER_00: And I was like, I don't know if you're smarter than me or dumber than me, but it's not below sea level.
38:34
SPEAKER_00: It is sea level.
38:37
SPEAKER_00: It's the sea.
38:38
SPEAKER_00: Whatever the level is, that's the level.
38:40
SPEAKER_00: You can't be below yourself.
38:43
SPEAKER_00: And he's like, actually, you can be.
38:44
SPEAKER_00: And I was like, maybe you should below yourself.
38:46
SPEAKER_00: I thought that was hilarious.
38:49
SPEAKER_00: Right off the top of my head, that was pretty good.
38:52
SPEAKER_00: He didn't laugh at all.
38:53
SPEAKER_00: I think someone was lost in translation, but I thought it was a good singer.
38:57
SPEAKER_00: Then he said this, he warned me.
38:58
SPEAKER_00: He said, When you get in the water, if you have any cuts or nicks or abrasions on your body, you're gonna really feel it because the salt can get in there.
39:05
SPEAKER_00: And I was like, well, I don't have any cuts or nicks or abrasions on my body, so I'm not too worried about it.
39:09
SPEAKER_00: But then I got in the water, and you know what I found out?
39:11
SPEAKER_00: Your pee hole qualifies as a cut, nick, or abrasion.
39:18
SPEAKER_00: I had no idea.
39:19
SPEAKER_00: All these years I'm gonna walk around with a cut on the end of my penis.
39:23
SPEAKER_00: Or a nick, might be a dick, nick, I'm not sure.
39:26
SPEAKER_00: I got in the water, I was like, ah, ah.
39:30
SPEAKER_00: And then he was like, is your pee hole burning a little bit?
39:32
SPEAKER_00: And I was like, You fucking knew about this?
39:36
SPEAKER_00: You gave me that shitty Snapple fact about the sea level, but failed to mention I might have a burning pee hole.
39:46
SPEAKER_00: He goes, it's normal.
39:47
SPEAKER_00: I'm like, no, it's not.
39:49
SPEAKER_00: That's abnormal.
39:51
SPEAKER_00: Normally I have no burning in my penis while swimming.
39:55
SPEAKER_00: He's like, you'll get used to it.
39:56
SPEAKER_00: And I was like, I'm not gonna get used to it.
39:58
SPEAKER_00: I'm going to get out of the water and go back to America.
40:00
SPEAKER_00: I'm not.
40:02
SPEAKER_00: I don't want to just have a burning dick and be like, ooh, it's an acquired taste after a few minutes.
40:06
SPEAKER_00: Invigorating.
40:10
SPEAKER_00: Guys, if you want to experience the Dead Sea, go home tonight, get a glass of water, fill it with salt, and then just ease down into the sense of what the Dead Sea is about.
40:24
SPEAKER_00: Ladies, it's harder.
40:25
SPEAKER_00: It's harder to dip your vagina in a glass.
40:30
SPEAKER_00: Vaginas don't dangle, you know.
40:33
SPEAKER_00: Some do, but I feel like I don't know what happens with women, because I was with a friend of mine, Rachel, she's a uh woman.
40:40
SPEAKER_00: We got out of the water.
40:41
SPEAKER_00: And I was like, Rachel, my pee hole burned.
40:44
SPEAKER_00: Did your vagina burn at all?
40:46
SPEAKER_00: And she was like, I only went in knee deep.
40:48
SPEAKER_00: And I was like, oh, me too.
40:50
SPEAKER_00: Um thank you.
40:55
SPEAKER_00: It was the proudest moment of my comedy career.
41:04
SPEAKER_00: I went to Ireland uh last year.
41:06
SPEAKER_00: I've been there a couple times.
41:07
SPEAKER_00: That's a beautiful country.
41:08
SPEAKER_00: They have uh they like to fight there.
41:10
SPEAKER_00: That's like a big stereotype, fighting Irish.
41:13
SPEAKER_00: I don't like stereotypes, but they nailed that one.
41:16
SPEAKER_00: I saw so many fights.
41:17
SPEAKER_00: I saw the biggest fight I've ever seen, a big brawl.
41:19
SPEAKER_00: It was two bouncers.
41:20
SPEAKER_00: I was in Dublin.
41:20
SPEAKER_00: It was two bouncers from a bar fighting this one other guy, and I think he was like a patriot.
41:24
SPEAKER_00: I don't know how the fight started.
41:25
SPEAKER_00: It was already in progress when I got there.
41:27
SPEAKER_00: They might have been fighting for centuries, but it was two on one, and the three of them, they just kicked the shit out of each other.
41:33
SPEAKER_00: Eventually, the two guys, they beat up the one guy because they had more arms than he had.
41:36
SPEAKER_00: That's that's a big advantage in a fight.
41:40
SPEAKER_00: They knocked the guy down.
41:40
SPEAKER_00: This is what happened.
41:41
SPEAKER_00: They knocked the guy down finally, and they didn't hit him while he was down.
41:44
SPEAKER_00: They just kind of stood there, like we've won the fight.
41:46
SPEAKER_00: And I was really, I was like, I respect that.
41:48
SPEAKER_00: Because here in America, if you get in a fight and you get a guy down, you kick him until he dies.
41:52
SPEAKER_00: You know what I mean?
41:53
SPEAKER_00: We're number one, goddammit.
41:58
SPEAKER_00: I'm from Boston.
41:59
SPEAKER_00: Maybe you guys aren't.
42:03
SPEAKER_00: But he didn't kick him, he didn't hit them all.
42:05
SPEAKER_00: He just kind of stood there, and then I was like, these guys are real gentlemen.
42:07
SPEAKER_00: They don't hit a man when he's down.
42:09
SPEAKER_00: But then, plot twist, the guy he was laying on the ground, his girlfriend came running over, and she was like, You sons of bitches! And one of the guys blasted her right in the face.
42:19
SPEAKER_00: And I was like, wow, I seem to have jumped the gun on my assessment of these fellows.
42:24
SPEAKER_00: Not quite as gentlemanly as I first suspected.
42:28
SPEAKER_00: Won't hit a man when he's down, will hit a woman when she's up.
42:31
SPEAKER_00: So I was like, I better do something, goddammit.
42:34
SPEAKER_00: I'm a man, I'm an American, I'm gonna take action.
42:36
SPEAKER_00: So I did, I tweeted.
42:37
SPEAKER_00: I was like, I just saw some crazy shit.
42:40
SPEAKER_00: Hashtag blessed, fire it off.
42:42
SPEAKER_00: Hit him where it hurts.
42:44
SPEAKER_00: The lady was fine, by the way.
42:46
SPEAKER_00: She wasn't injured.
42:46
SPEAKER_00: I would not make a joke if she was hurt.
42:48
SPEAKER_00: She was completely fine.
42:49
SPEAKER_00: I think she might have been on meth.
42:51
SPEAKER_00: Um, I think that because I read there's a meth problem in Dublin, and then when the woman got punched in the face, she went like this.
43:02
SPEAKER_00: And I was like, I think that might be one of those meth people I was reading about.
43:05
SPEAKER_00: That seems like a methy reaction to a punch in the face.
43:09
SPEAKER_00: And by the way, she won the fight.
43:11
SPEAKER_00: Both guys were like, oh shit, that's crazy.
43:12
SPEAKER_00: Let's get out of here.
43:14
SPEAKER_00: They kind of left.
43:16
SPEAKER_00: And then she was crying, and then she kind of hugged her man.
43:18
SPEAKER_00: He was bleeding in the street, they kind of hugged.
43:19
SPEAKER_00: And for a moment, I got like kind of jealous.
43:22
SPEAKER_00: I was like, my wife and I never do fun stuff like this anymore.
43:24
SPEAKER_00: That's really sweet, you know.
43:27
SPEAKER_00: Then this part, you're gonna think I'm making this up, but I swear to God, this really happened.
43:30
SPEAKER_00: The woman, she walked over to the bar, she opened the front door of the bar, and she yelled inside.
43:34
SPEAKER_00: She went, All we wanted was some chips.
43:42
SPEAKER_00: That's when I was like, I really wish I saw the beginning of this fight, because I feel like there has to be more to that story.
43:49
SPEAKER_00: There's no way.
43:51
SPEAKER_00: Like that woman was sitting at the bar, she was like, Can we get some chips right over here?
43:57
SPEAKER_00: Take them outside, beat the shit.
44:00
SPEAKER_00: Out of him and punch her right in the fucking face.
44:03
SPEAKER_00: We do not sell chips at this establishment.
44:10
SPEAKER_00: The rest of my time in Ireland is like, can I get some chips?
44:12
SPEAKER_00: But if not, no big deal.
44:13
SPEAKER_00: I don't want to cause a big.
44:15
SPEAKER_00: I know you're very particular about your chip distribution in this country.
44:19
SPEAKER_00: I understand you had a famine some time ago.
44:21
SPEAKER_00: I don't want to cause any problems.
44:27
SPEAKER_00: And you have a wife, we have sex.
44:29
SPEAKER_00: You guys having sex out there?
44:31
SPEAKER_00: You like that segue?
44:35
SPEAKER_00: You know what I like about sex?
44:37
SPEAKER_00: I like sex because you keep learning.
44:38
SPEAKER_00: You know what I mean?
44:38
SPEAKER_00: Like I've been having sex for a number of years, but like sometimes I still feel like it's a learning experience.
44:42
SPEAKER_00: Like recently, my wife and I had sex.
44:43
SPEAKER_00: She had a cold.
44:44
SPEAKER_00: We had sex anyways.
44:46
SPEAKER_00: She's a real trooper, you know.
44:48
SPEAKER_00: In the middle of the sex, she coughed and it ejected my penis out of her body.
44:52
SPEAKER_00: Did you guys know how that happens?
44:57
SPEAKER_00: Not a little bit, a hundred percent out of her body.
45:00
SPEAKER_00: I was like, whoa, what?
45:02
SPEAKER_00: It was like a magic trick.
45:04
SPEAKER_00: Evidently, that's one tube all the way down.
45:06
SPEAKER_00: Ear, nose, throat, vagina.
45:08
SPEAKER_00: It's EN TV.
45:12
SPEAKER_00: I was like, I gotta get some cough drops or a bigger dick.
45:14
SPEAKER_00: Something has to change here.
45:19
SPEAKER_00: Ladies, you know you can do that?
45:20
SPEAKER_00: Next time you're having sex with your man and he's not giving to you the way you like it, just give him a good.
45:27
SPEAKER_00: Don't come back here with that weak ass shit.
45:31
SPEAKER_00: I'll cough you right out of this relationship.
45:37
SPEAKER_00: I was nervous to get back in there.
45:38
SPEAKER_00: I'm like, if she sneezes, I'm gonna be dead on the ceiling over here.
45:45
SPEAKER_00: I got back in there, back on the horse, as they say.
45:48
SPEAKER_00: The horse being my wife in this particular situation.
45:51
SPEAKER_00: She's more of a pony.
45:52
SPEAKER_00: She's very petite.
45:54
SPEAKER_00: I got in there.
45:54
SPEAKER_00: I was literally holding on to that headboard because I was nervous.
45:56
SPEAKER_00: And then she did have to sneeze.
45:57
SPEAKER_00: I thought she was having an orgasm at first.
45:59
SPEAKER_00: They sound similar.
46:01
SPEAKER_00: She's like, huh?
46:05
SPEAKER_00: For like one second, I was like, I'm fucking hitting it today.
46:08
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
46:11
SPEAKER_00: Then she sneezed and blew it in my face.
46:12
SPEAKER_00: I was like, oh, that makes more sense.
46:15
SPEAKER_00: Then I came and said, God bless you.
46:17
SPEAKER_00: So that was kind of hot.
46:18
SPEAKER_00: That's fun.
46:19
SPEAKER_00: That's actually a better time to say, God bless you, really.
46:30
SPEAKER_00: Sex is fun.
46:30
SPEAKER_00: I love it.
46:31
SPEAKER_00: Sex is different when you're married, though.
46:32
SPEAKER_00: Because I like I'm a dirty guy.
46:33
SPEAKER_00: Like I like to get dirty and weird, you know?
46:35
SPEAKER_00: Like I'm a dirty guy.
46:36
SPEAKER_00: But like when you're married, you can't get too dirty because you have to segue back into your regular life together.
46:41
SPEAKER_00: You know what I mean?
46:43
SPEAKER_00: Like when you're single, you can say crazy shit, you can do whatever.
46:45
SPEAKER_00: You can be like, I can't ever see this person again.
46:47
SPEAKER_00: That was weird.
46:47
SPEAKER_00: But when you're married, it's hard to be like, step in my balls and choke me, bitch.
46:54
SPEAKER_00: And then five minutes later, you're like, I'll do the dishes if you vacuum.
46:57
SPEAKER_00: Is that cool?
46:58
SPEAKER_00: Sorry.
46:58
SPEAKER_00: Sorry about earlier.
46:59
SPEAKER_00: I don't know what happened there, I guess.
47:06
SPEAKER_00: That's why I go entry-level dirty talk, just kind of regular, you know what I mean?
47:09
SPEAKER_00: Like the other day we were having sex.
47:10
SPEAKER_00: I don't know if I get too graphic out of respect, but she was on top, and I went, Yeah, fuck me.
47:18
SPEAKER_00: Something, right?
47:19
SPEAKER_00: Standard.
47:21
SPEAKER_00: And then she said, I am.
47:26
SPEAKER_00: I had to be like, no, I know.
47:28
SPEAKER_00: I know you are.
47:30
SPEAKER_00: It was more of a rhetorical.
47:34
SPEAKER_00: Then I tried to cough her off a bit.
47:35
SPEAKER_00: I want to see if I could do it to her.
47:36
SPEAKER_00: Kind of nothing doing.
47:40
SPEAKER_00: I gotta do some kiggles or something.
47:45
SPEAKER_00: I love my wife.
47:46
SPEAKER_00: I love her uh family.
47:47
SPEAKER_00: She has a sister, we're buddies.
47:48
SPEAKER_00: I was hanging out with my wife's sister the other day.
47:49
SPEAKER_00: And uh you ever send a text message too quick and you miss a letter or a word, and it like changes the whole text?
47:55
SPEAKER_00: We've all had that.
47:56
SPEAKER_00: I had that happen recently.
47:57
SPEAKER_00: I was hanging out with my sister-in-law, and my wife texted, and she wrote, How's things going with my sister?
48:01
SPEAKER_00: And I wrote back, Great, she's a lot of fun.
48:03
SPEAKER_00: I wish you were her.
48:08
SPEAKER_00: That's a bad text.
48:12
SPEAKER_00: I bet you write, I wish you were here, obviously.
48:17
SPEAKER_00: I felt bad.
48:17
SPEAKER_00: I had to call her.
48:18
SPEAKER_00: I was like, I didn't mean to write that.
48:19
SPEAKER_00: I was distracted.
48:20
SPEAKER_00: I was trying to fuck your sister, but I got a little confused.
48:24
SPEAKER_00: I wish you were here so we could all fool around a little, you know?
48:27
SPEAKER_00: Like in the movies.
48:32
SPEAKER_00: It's weird when you date or marry someone with a sibling, because siblings tend to look alike, because they have the same parents, but you can't you're not supposed to be attracted to the sibling because it's inappropriate.
48:41
SPEAKER_00: But they look alike.
48:43
SPEAKER_00: You gotta pretend they don't.
48:44
SPEAKER_00: You're gonna be like, baby, you're the most beautiful woman I've ever seen in the whole world.
48:48
SPEAKER_00: But this younger version of you is very off-putting to me.
48:50
SPEAKER_00: I don't.
48:53
SPEAKER_00: I would never be attracted to a slightly newer version of you.
48:56
SPEAKER_00: I don't.
48:58
SPEAKER_00: That's those.
49:05
SPEAKER_00: I'm very attracted to my wife.
49:07
SPEAKER_00: Because you wanna I want her to be like attracted to me.
49:08
SPEAKER_00: I don't know.
49:09
SPEAKER_00: It's hard because like when you're married, you want the person to be attracted to you.
49:12
SPEAKER_00: I Googled things that are sexy to women, and uh you shouldn't do that.
49:15
SPEAKER_00: That's a that's a mistake.
49:17
SPEAKER_00: I read about 25 articles.
49:19
SPEAKER_00: I had none of the things in any of the articles, which was a bummer.
49:22
SPEAKER_00: One thing said making the bed is sexy.
49:24
SPEAKER_00: I make the bed, but I feel like that's a bullshit article.
49:27
SPEAKER_00: That's just a woman trying to get guys to make her bed, I'm pretty sure.
49:31
SPEAKER_00: Like some woman was like, put down making the bed, let's see if they try that.
49:36
SPEAKER_00: Her editor's like, that's not really sexy.
49:37
SPEAKER_00: She's like, I know, but let's get our beds made, if nothing else.
49:39
SPEAKER_00: These guys are idiots.
49:41
SPEAKER_00: I don't picture a woman being like, ooh, look at the way he snaps out the wrinkles.
49:45
SPEAKER_00: That's so hot.
49:48
SPEAKER_00: Some things I think should be sexy to women, but they're not.
49:50
SPEAKER_00: Like, I don't understand women.
49:52
SPEAKER_00: Like the other day, I was putting my socks on and my foot just ripped right through it.
49:55
SPEAKER_00: I was like, I turned to my wife, I'm like, uh.
50:05
SPEAKER_00: You want a bang or what?
50:08
SPEAKER_00: She's like, what are you talking about?
50:10
SPEAKER_00: I'm like, I'm too much man.
50:11
SPEAKER_00: That's what I'm talking about.
50:12
SPEAKER_00: My goddamn socks can't even contain me anymore.
50:17
SPEAKER_00: She's like, no, you idiot, you have a hole in the toe.
50:19
SPEAKER_00: I'm like, all right, whatever it is.
50:22
SPEAKER_00: Sometimes it's confusing what sex he is.
50:24
SPEAKER_00: My wife and I one time, we were watching Broke Back Mountain together, and she got turned on.
50:28
SPEAKER_00: Not by the sex, there's a scene in the movie.
50:29
SPEAKER_00: I don't know if you saw the movie, I won't give anything away in case you've been waiting 17 years to watch this master taste.
50:35
SPEAKER_00: We were watching the movie.
50:36
SPEAKER_00: There's a scene in the movie where Jake Gyllenhaal's character he yells at his father-in-law.
50:40
SPEAKER_00: He says, Sit your ass down, you old son of a bitch.
50:43
SPEAKER_00: It's like a big scene in the movie.
50:44
SPEAKER_00: And then my wife was like, ooh, that was hot.
50:49
SPEAKER_00: I was like, is that hot?
50:50
SPEAKER_00: Should I be yelling at your dad?
50:52
SPEAKER_00: Is that a turn on?
50:55
SPEAKER_00: That never even crossed my mind.
50:57
SPEAKER_00: I wake up every morning, I do a hundred push-ups, and I make the bed.
51:00
SPEAKER_00: I never thought to reprimand your father.
51:05
SPEAKER_00: I aim to please, though, you know.
51:08
SPEAKER_00: We're to visit her parents, her dad's like, I'm gonna take my princess out for ice cream.
51:11
SPEAKER_00: I was like, that's what you think, you fat fuck.
51:19
SPEAKER_00: He was like, What is wrong with you?
51:20
SPEAKER_00: I'm like, I don't know.
51:21
SPEAKER_00: What's wrong with her?
51:22
SPEAKER_00: That's the real question.
51:24
SPEAKER_00: You raised this weirdo.
51:26
SPEAKER_00: I'm trying to stay sexually relevant.
51:28
SPEAKER_00: I would love an ice cream.
51:31
SPEAKER_00: But that's not what she's into.
51:32
SPEAKER_00: So sit down, you son of a bitch.
51:37
SPEAKER_00: Didn't turn her on at all, by the way.
51:40
SPEAKER_00: But turned her mother on.
51:41
SPEAKER_00: She loved it.
51:42
SPEAKER_00: She was like, yeah, give it to him.
51:44
SPEAKER_00: Hate this dipshit.
51:47
SPEAKER_00: I think I have a chance with her mother.
51:48
SPEAKER_00: We'll see.
51:49
SPEAKER_00: Feels inappropriate.
51:52
SPEAKER_00: You gotta spice it up, though.
51:53
SPEAKER_00: We've been together a long time, you know.
51:55
SPEAKER_00: Sex, you gotta mix it up.
51:56
SPEAKER_00: I like, I'll tell you what I like.
51:57
SPEAKER_00: I like shoes in bed.
51:58
SPEAKER_00: That's my thing.
51:58
SPEAKER_00: Anybody?
52:00
SPEAKER_00: I'm talking like high heels, not new balance or asics.
52:04
SPEAKER_00: Gotta be something nice.
52:05
SPEAKER_00: I like shoes in bed because they don't belong in bed.
52:07
SPEAKER_00: It's like a threesome.
52:08
SPEAKER_00: You shouldn't be here, but stick around.
52:09
SPEAKER_00: I like where this is going.
52:12
SPEAKER_00: That's a sexy look on a woman, by the way.
52:14
SPEAKER_00: Naked with shoes.
52:15
SPEAKER_00: Not a man.
52:16
SPEAKER_00: Man, we're not quite able to pull that look off just yet.
52:19
SPEAKER_00: If I'm naked wearing shoes, I look like a toddler that ran away from his mother while she was changing him.
52:27
SPEAKER_00: You ever seen that when someone's changing the kid and the kid makes a run for it?
52:30
SPEAKER_00: He's like, no! Tiny dick flipping everywhere, he hides in the curtain.
52:34
SPEAKER_00: That's me, you know.
52:36
SPEAKER_00: I think as when a woman is naked wearing shoes, it's kind of like she's like, I forgot to get dressed.
52:43
SPEAKER_00: A man naked with shoes is like, I forgot to take my medicine.
52:46
SPEAKER_00: I don't know what got into me.
52:47
SPEAKER_00: I'm sorry.
52:51
SPEAKER_00: I like morning sex.
52:52
SPEAKER_00: That's my favorite sex, morning sex, first thing, right?
52:55
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, there you go.
52:57
SPEAKER_00: I love it.
52:57
SPEAKER_00: My wife doesn't like it.
52:58
SPEAKER_00: I'm like, let's have some morning sex.
52:59
SPEAKER_00: She's like, no, I want to start my day.
53:03
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I want to start my day, also.
53:06
SPEAKER_00: That's what I was referring to.
53:08
SPEAKER_00: Frankly, it's a little hurtful that you wouldn't consider that part of your day.
53:14
SPEAKER_00: That's just eating cereal.
53:15
SPEAKER_00: I just got cock blocked by Tony the tiger.
53:18
SPEAKER_00: It's not a great feeling.
53:20
SPEAKER_00: I think the problem with morning sex, morning breath.
53:23
SPEAKER_00: That's the main problem.
53:24
SPEAKER_00: Morning breath, I'm pretty sure, is how doggy style sex got invented.
53:30
SPEAKER_00: But there was a couple having sex first thing in the morning, and then 30 seconds in, the woman's like, let's try this with my face, buried in the pillow.
53:36
SPEAKER_00: That'll be better.
53:38
SPEAKER_00: We can still do it.
53:38
SPEAKER_00: I'll just lift my genitals to you and hide my nostrils in the linen.
53:43
SPEAKER_00: Thank you for making the bed, by the way.
53:45
SPEAKER_00: That's really nice of you.