Latest / The Rooted Family / Ep 16 | Why Friendships Feel Harder in Your 30s (And How to Build Deep Community)
Transcript
- Christian Cornish: Can I ask you something? When was the last time you actually felt at peace? Not just productive, not just caught up, but settled. Because most of us aren't lacking desire for a slower, deeper life, we're just stuck in the busyness that keeps us rushing right past it. Well, welcome back to the Rooted Family podcast for episode 16. Yeah, we're so glad you're here today. the reason we came up with this episode was actually from a hilarious meme that I saw on Instagram a few ago. ⁓ It was this painting of Jesus with his 12 disciples. ⁓ And it said, why isn't anyone talking about the miracle of Jesus having ⁓ That's why we created the Slow and Savor Society. It's a snail mail club. Yes, it comes straight to your mailbox. It's a simple, tangible way to slow down each month with a piece of art, a cozy recipe, and a letter designed to help you reconnect with what actually ⁓ God, with your family, and with your own soul. if your life has felt full, 12 close friends in his 30s. yeah, I mean to say I have 12 close friends, I'd have to think about it for a minute, like really counted up. Yeah, that's truly miraculous considering all the things we have on our plates in our 30s and our 40s and beyond. we are talking about friendship today and wanting to really just dive into this topic of deeply rooted friendship when we're adults. but not meaningful. This is your invitation to begin again. You can learn more or join us at legacyrootsco.com slash Mel Club. And right now, if you use Code Podcast, you'll get 50 % off your first month so you can try it out. Now back to the episode. Yeah, before we jump into today's episode, we want to take a minute to read one of your reviews because honestly, these really do mean so much to us. They are helping the podcast out tremendously. And so this one's from our listener, Haley SD, who says, wow, ⁓ love this podcast. Gave me a lot to think about, reflect on my current home life and looking forward to implementing some of these things. Beyond grateful, Kayla and Christian started this. What a blessing it's been. Aw, Yeah, that review really encourages me. we read these reviews as they come in. We read them together, and they just genuinely mean so much to us. So we do have a giveaway. Yeah, as a reminder, we want to let you know that throughout May. we're doing an Amazon giveaway for those who leave a five star review for the podcast. So at the end of the month, we're going to randomly choose a winner. And every week we've been reading one of these here on the show so that people know this is happening. so this podcast has encouraged you in some way. Leaving a quick review is one of the biggest ways you can support us here. So thanks so much. And let's jump into today's conversation, because this is a topic. We think so many adults and parents quietly struggling with. Yeah, have you ever noticed how easy friendship felt when you were younger and how strangely difficult it can feel in your 30s and ⁓ Everyone says they want community ⁓ everyone says they want deeper friendships, but somehow most are sitting at home on Friday nights wondering ⁓ why nobody reaches out anymore. And if we're honest, many people are lonelier than they've ever been. I mean, the statistics are saying that, despite being more connected online than ever before. friendship and adulthood doesn't usually disappear because people don't care. It disappears life gets so full. ⁓ Schedules get ⁓ people get ⁓ and everyone quietly waits for someone else to initiate. But what if deep friendship is still possible? What if meaningful, rooted community in your 30s and 40s isn't something you stumble into, but something you intentionally build? Yeah, you're right. And today we want to share how we've intentionally built and maintained some deep friendships that have really impacted our lives, our marriage, our family over these last 14 years. know, we've lived in three different states. ⁓ We've many different seasons of life happen ⁓ and kids along that journey. ⁓ Yeah, really been beautiful how the Lord, I mean, we give all the glory to the Lord for these friendships, but really, truly beautiful how we've been able to maintain so many deep, close friendships across. the states. And what you said earlier is really true because had texted a close friend of mine from college last week ⁓ and I actually forgot I even sent the to be honest with you because I never heard back. And then today I heard back and the first line is, hey, sorry, it took so long to get back to you. I feel like I use that so much because you see a text come through and you're like, I know I want to respond to this person, but I don't have capacity in the moment. And you know, like you have to get dinner on the table. The kids are crying. Someone got hurt and you totally forget. And it's a week later, I'll be showering and all of a sudden it'll hit me. And I'm like, no, I didn't respond to this person. I need to get back to them. It's true. It's just one of those things where it's crazy to think about after 15 years how different life is. Yeah, from college, because when you think about our college days, and I went to college together, go all of it, Nazarene University, our alma mater. Go Tigers. Go Tigers. so. ⁓ We had a really special friend group in college. You and I were in the same friend group. It was about 30-ish people, give or take, and we ate most meals together in the cafeteria. We got together on the weekends. We were going to downtown Chicago together. I mean, it was so easy to have friendship in college and even in high school where you're in sports together, you're doing life together. I mean, really you have... no other responsibilities outside of studying. No kids to take care of, no spouse to make dinner for. I mean, truly, it's a different, time of your life. It's very different, you know, thinking about that proximity. Yeah. You mentioned we ate, ⁓ I don't remember how many meals a day had in the cafeteria, but There was never less than 15 people at the table. Always. We always had one ginormous table. Yeah. And then dinner was 25 to 30 every night. ⁓ huh. I mean, that's just who you had. Yeah. And it's such a great call out now, there's preparation there's so much responsibility around family dinner. you know, because you have such a hosting heart, you bring someone into your home. And now feeling of responsibility has grown. It's not something you would like to do every single twice day. Totally. ⁓ I think it's almost like friendships can happen accidentally because you're just rubbing shoulders with people all the time. Like you said, the proximity word. ⁓ Whereas in adulthood, later years, friendships... just can't happen accidentally. if they do they happen because there is some sort of ⁓ repeated intentionality or rhythm that has created those friendships to either form or last. And I think because our life has become so fragmented, we're stretched between ⁓ so many different things, ⁓ it's work, or the kids or the sports or different church responsibilities. are shoulders with people still as adults, but that friendship for some reason is just not forming. And I think social media has played into that. I think social media has created this illusion of connection because we're ⁓ seeing everyone's ⁓ essentially. play out their b-roll lives, or playing out in front of us on Facebook and Instagram and all these different platforms, but we aren't connecting with people. it's interesting, you and I, we've been to all of our college reunions far. for I have to be the one to plan them because I was our class president our senior year of college. ⁓ So I get the role planning our reunions. it's been kind of shocking me few people will to those reunions. ⁓ You know, knowing our parents, they've had huge reunions over the years for high school. it's sort of sad to me, but I get it because I think social media... We're seeing everyone's pictures and videos so frequently, we think we're caught up with people. And the other part of that is we've also more spread out. Yeah, than ever before. well, mine specifically, ⁓ in the same town they went to high school in. So ⁓ have a high school reunion and they're all in their ⁓ and 70s and they have a huge crowd of people show up. But For us and our college as an example, we are so far apart. They're everywhere. And so like, think it makes it easier to hang on to social media, like you said, and feel like we're connected like it is a blessing that social media is blessing in that way. ⁓ I do love that we get to see our friends lives and For our friends that are in Florida, for example, we wouldn't see their kids grow up because we don't live by them, but we get to see pictures of their kids growing up and that is very sweet. so it's kind of a catch-22. social media has been awesome, but at the same time I do think that we're almost seeing a trend where it's replacing in-person or even like voice-to-voice communication. I don't know how many people hop on the phone anymore just to have intentional rhythmic phone calls with long-distance Yeah, It takes a lot of energy. getting on a phone call is not as easy as just pick up the phone and call somebody ⁓ because most of the time aren't just going to be to pick up and talk. Well, and I think it comes under initiation, too, because we are so busy, it does take another level of assertiveness from both parties. You really need that give and take where it's not just one person trying to get on the phone with the other person, but ⁓ really both putting the energy to do that. And not all of us have that season of life we can do that. I think a lot of friendships don't fail because of conflict in the relationship or because... ⁓ they don't want to have the friendship, think it's because of drift. Over time, when both parties are not initiating, they're drifting apart ever so slowly. And there are sweet friendships where you can go years without talking. And if you were to get together in person, ⁓ feels like no time has passed. And that's really sweet. ⁓ But if you're for deep friendships where you really know each other and do life together. That's really what we're talking about today because I think there is a difference between having friendships that you kind of collect throughout your life and that is beautiful. There is a season and a reason that we are ⁓ meeting different people in life, ⁓ but I think there's category of relationships that are ⁓ supposed to be deeply rooted friends like and his 12 disciples he chose 12 people to live closely with ⁓ and I think it's absolutely possible to do that in your later adult years. I just think there are some basic principles that you and have learned about over the last 14 years that we have been really with. And think that is what we to share today Yeah. We've talked a lot about these different variables. I'm curious, what for you personally do you feel is one of the reasons that relationships have gotten more difficult over the years for you in all of this. I mean, I think the biggest variable for me has been just our moving. I mean, we've moved across states multiple times. And for any of you listening who have moved to a new city, new state or new country, mean, truly it is starting over. that takes so much energy. It is hard, because you walk through a season of loneliness in each move, where you feel like no one really knows you, and you don't really know anyone, like to their core. And you start to wonder, do I want to put the energy in again to get to know people? Is it going to be worth it? when I look back over the different places we've lived and the different friendships we've made, it absolutely is worth ⁓ it. It breaks heart think what if God hadn't moved us to Asheville, North Carolina, and we hadn't made those deep friendships that we eventually made? Or thinking about even being here in Colorado, we are beginning to see ⁓ where we have of the deep that are forming. ⁓ And I think, wow, what a treasure it is. yeah, I would say for me, is truly the energy. I always ask myself, do I have capacity and energy or time to build something again? That's a really good point. I was reflecting on how it's really in the opposite situation where we have been the ones who have moved away. Yeah, I can totally feel for now as I think about it for the people who. are staying in one place, but they're watch somebody move away. you and I made choice to leave and put ourselves in a position where we needed to make new friendships. But I know some of you listening probably feel like others have left you ⁓ and so you have to make new friendships. It was ⁓ not a choice. So the question becomes, if friendship doesn't happen naturally anymore, how do you actually build it intentionally? And we want to give you a couple principles today that are going to be very practical and give you... the opportunity to begin to build these relationships. Yeah, because you can't wait around hoping community magically appears. I think that's what we're all hoping for is that God just like plays with a friend right in our lap. We're going to be besties forever and it's going to just be wonderful. But that just really is not how it happens in your 30s and 40s. It's true. I will admit I am a little bit more of an initiator. You are. I feel like I've learned so much about. initiating from you. And it's funny because I was thinking about this and I was looking through my text messages There's a bunch at any given time that are most of the time it's like me out waiting for the responses back if you will. And that's totally fine do feel you're right that being the initiator and ⁓ I've the one that does this more, but I've seen you grow in this area especially since we moved to just in terms of your growth and what you're telling me in of you reached out to whom ⁓ or whoever. it's almost like, think of flame, ⁓ right? Like a fire. And we have a fire here in our house, right? And it's not so much that you don't want to let that thing go out, right? That's when you have to put more energy in. You have to put more kindling in. You have to do all that. But I think of like being the initiator is just kind of stroking that fire or maybe adding like an extra log, a little bit of fuel and it as it burns and yeah, every once in while I need to add some more, but it takes way less energy to add. a little bit more to that fire than it does to start it from nothing. Yeah, you're right. That is such a good visual. I love that. Thank you. I feel like I'm going to remember that every time I send a little text, you telling someone I think about them And it's not like you need to have a blazing fire all the time, as long as you just don't let it get to dying out totally. you taught me this actually, when there's something that you do that reminds you of whether it's something you're eating ⁓ or a song that you heard or an inside joke or something that you across that reminds you of a friend, you've always said, just send them a quick text and let them know ⁓ that, hey, I listened the song and it made me think of you or. Hey, do you remember when we ate waffles, you know, at like four in the morning, or whatever the case is? I just how you do that because I think that's how you keep those friendships alive. ⁓ It's not you're having full blown, conversations on the phone with people all time, but you are so good about, if there's something small that reminds me of someone, I'm just gonna send them a quick message and let them know I'm thinking about them. I really try to do that with people that I grew up with friendships really formed in college, but were really far apart. And I feel like that has worked really well to stay connected because I might go five, 10 years without seeing those people, but deep down in my heart, I would love to see them. Right. You deeply care for these people. Yeah. I wouldn't pass up the opportunity to see them in person again. Now happens, if there's someone listening, they hadn't gone to college, ⁓ or they no longer have any relationship with high school friends. So they don't have historical ⁓ but they are their ⁓ 30s, 40s, and beyond, and they want friendship. What does it look like to be the initiator when you're starting like a baby, a baby flame, like a baby fire? I was thinking about this too with this analogy. Someone has to strike a match and has to put it in there and light the thing. That's good. actually right now in fireplace, I loaded it up because that a habit. I put the wood and the kindling in there every night. ⁓ Well, it's been too warm. to light the fire. To light it. just haven't had a need to. So there is still wood kindling sitting in the wood stove that is from probably three or four weeks ago. ⁓ nobody lights that thing, it's going to sit there till the fall. Right. That's just how life is. So ⁓ is true. You have to do that. And see you do this actually, I think, in a much stronger way than I do. You make better, faster. connections with new people than I do. So ⁓ probably like to hear it better from you. I for me, if it's dad, I say, hey, could we take the kids, and ⁓ meet up at the park sometime? That's an easy one. the difference is for you as an initiator, You're someone who isn't just going to say, hey, let's meet up sometime. ⁓ You actually go out of your way. ⁓ to ask me, I go to the park with this dad and his kids on this date at this time? And then you ⁓ reach out to that dad and make it happen. ⁓ ⁓ actually, not say you're gonna hang out with somebody, but you follow through with it. Well, thank you. ⁓ If I say it to I will mean it. ⁓ something that I think does make harder as we get older is, I can't think of a better way to say it than like a fear of rejection type thing. ⁓ And so if I get to that point somebody, I'm gonna ask this person to spend time together, I'll actually do it. Well, and I think later in the episode, we're gonna talk about your capacity and energy and how we don't have as much energy and time for friendships. ⁓ And I think there's the reality that we all only have so much time for friendship if we're going to initiate, it is gonna be with somebody that we really do see something in, special maybe connection or relationship potential ⁓ if we're gonna ask them to hang out, it's not flippant. ⁓ There's some meaning behind of like, hey, I really do want to engage with you, ⁓ get to know you. do that with our neighbors, I would say to do neighborly love. I wouldn't say that all of our neighbors we wanna be best friends with. So there is that element of reaching out to people because we want to love on our neighbors. But I think what we're trying to get at today is how do we build those richer, deeper friendships that can really last Yeah, would to hear from you, ⁓ especially around meeting someone ⁓ ⁓ for the first What it look like for ⁓ to because I think you do this so much better than I do. ⁓ Well, you. ⁓ I you're also very warm and very inviting. ⁓ And think that's why we make such a great team But I would say actually one book that comes to mind I've read so many times, but I enjoy it ⁓ more each time is the book How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie. He wrote it in like the early 1900s, I think 1930 something. And the principles in that book are timeless. Truly. I've read that book also. Actually, I haven't finished it, so I'll be honest there. But from what I've read, I would 100 % agree I mean, that's what a principle is, right? It doesn't matter what's going on. It doesn't matter how times change, it's still true. Yeah. reading that book so many I have really gained a lot of wisdom on what it looks like to build friendship and to ⁓ make connections with people ⁓ But I would say one of those ⁓ is learning how to find common ground people like right away. ⁓ It maybe is obvious to most of us, but I think that taking just a few extra minutes to questions of this new person, like if you meet someone at church that you're kind of ⁓ interested getting to know, know, asking questions about themselves, trying to find a common ground to connect on is very powerful because once two people feel like they get each other, even the slightest, like even if you're both just moms, of young children or you both enjoy a certain hobby, that one connecting point will usually lead to like a coffee hangout or a park date with the kids because you know that there's something you could talk about. I think the awkwardness comes into play when you feel like, man, I don't think this person and I are on the same page about anything. We're so different that we can't talk about anything. And all want to feel like... we are understood. And so you find a commonality, you both actually feel understood. That's really good. I think what you said there was really key about helping someone else to feel seen ⁓ you mentioned music too, mean, come on, when you're in your thirties and forties and someone brings up ⁓ they like the kind of music you do. ⁓ I mean, that is really, really deep connection. ⁓ It's an instant connection. instant connection. That's such a good point. mean, there's so many, there are many examples, but I think you're right. that makes you feel seen there's a depth when you both hone in ⁓ something very specific. And it takes ⁓ some questions to get to know somebody in that way. It's the key is the asking questions. I think that we ⁓ a culture have become so obsessed with ourselves. We get so ⁓ up in our own achievements and what we're doing, all the things that we're becoming I think a very big lacking skill. ⁓ most people don't know how to ask good question or to just get outside of themself to a question that would get the other person to We're almost waiting for the other person to ask us questions. ⁓ And I have a rule for myself, this is just my own rule, ⁓ I wanna be the person talking the least. Whenever I'm in a with someone, ⁓ whether it's on the phone or in person, want to ask such thoughtful and open-ended questions, like who, where, how kind of questions, that the other person is talking the majority of the time. I think how I am able to build those connections with people right away, because ⁓ I'm just a listening ear. I'm not talking their ear off. That's a really good thought. that key to initiating I think is being willing to ask the questions Yeah, because builds that connection I You know, I don't usually just send a text message to somebody I haven't talked to in a while going back to that kind of initiation thing of like Hey, you're cool. I like you. ⁓ I Don't know. Sorry, ⁓ but you know, usually will say Hey, I thought of you, how is your family or or what is new in your life or how is the start of the year? I mean, that's not the deepest of questions, but it's a question. So you're saying not only are you pointing out the thing that reminded you of them, you're following it up with a question so that they can then open up and respond to you. Yes. And it becomes a true conversation. when meeting someone new, we're doing the same thing. We're asking them questions and then We ultimately have to ask hey, would you like to get together? Yes. But if you've already asked ⁓ a bunch questions before that, makes that ask ⁓ very easy. kind of warming up the fire by asking those questions and you're starting to build trust. And I think that we wrap up this point, you know, ⁓ being the initiator, I think really comes down to ⁓ not only being someone who we should hang out sometime. but actually follows through with it. be the person that means it. And not only walking away from that conversation, you know, connecting, but then sending them a text and saying, Hey, are you free Friday at two o'clock for coffee? Or, Hey, can your family come over Sunday night at seven for dinner? Put it on the calendar and just follow through. And before we leave this point, being the initiator does not mean you ask like 15 times. Yes. mean, if someone wants to engage. Yes, that's a point. You put that out there and even if they say no, they should say that I'm sorry, that doesn't work. But could we do right? And there's still a conversation. ⁓ do initiate a lot in life. I can admit to that. But I also initiate with people who respond to me. So I'm not pounding them down, that's not healthy. You're not begging people to be your friends. Some people do appreciate, and I have close friends who tell me, I appreciate that you initiated. And I don't get offended, don't think, oh, they don't care about me as much as I care about them. I never cross my mind if they reach back to me at some point. If I reach out like five times and they don't say a word, okay, I'm probably done initiating, and that's okay. I'm not even gonna judge why they're not initiating back, but I just wanna say, we're not telling you initiate with people and hound them engage with people ⁓ that engagement is two-way street. That's such a good key and I think that is ⁓ just a social skill really important because you kinda have to sense that out and that really does take some social or emotional intelligence to realize, okay, this person clearly is. either just doesn't have the time right now or just isn't interested in this relationship and that is totally okay because ⁓ we all don't have all the time in the world to have ⁓ million friends. We all are going to be selective around what deep friendships we build and develop and it may have nothing to do with you. ⁓ just may be that it's not the right season, ⁓ the right moment or just not the right friendship and that's okay. That's very true. moving into principle number two, Initiation isn't enough, so if friendship only happens it ⁓ usually won't last. So this leads us into principle number two, which is create rhythms, not randomness. if you've been around here for even a few episodes, you know we are ⁓ fans of rhythms. It's our way of talking about routines, but with more grace and more flexibility and more intentionality. really believe relationships deepen ⁓ through ⁓ rhythms. We this the You're probably sick of hearing it, ⁓ but rhythms without timestamps don't And that's the harsh that we all need to face. And a rhythm ⁓ doesn't have to be like consistent every day or every week. Relationships are a long game and we had such a beautiful experience. I think we should take a moment to share from when we first moved to Asheville, North Carolina and we were going to a church I don't remember, even our first or second time. And actually someone initiated with us. Yeah, which is rare. Very rare. Because they see all of our kids and like, who wants to have nine people over to their house? I get it. Like, I'm not even mad or offended. It's funny. Actually, I think there were only seven of us at the time. But the point is, I get it. Like, someone initiated with us, which was so nice and asked us over for dinner. It was so refreshing. It really was. It was awesome. Yes. That peaked our interest right away. We're like, oh, people have gone out of their way to ask this over. We will entertain this potential relationship. And we had a great time. you know what's even funny about this? I was newly pregnant with Lila, our number six baby, sicker than a dog. Truly, I was bedridden for months and months. Like you were going to church as these. quote unquote single dad with five other kids. And this couple almost just like they took you in. The first time that they asked us over, I couldn't make it. So you literally went to their house with- I forgot about that. The five kids by yourself without your wife. And they just loved on our family. And that spoke volumes to me. I'm like, okay, these are not normal people because they were willing to have a dad and his five kids over and they didn't even have the wife there to talk to either. You know, it just was like a really sweet thing. then I remember all of this now, it's all coming back to me. And I remember having like a really great time and I came home and you were asking me all about it. And we were like, well, let's invite them over now we're going to give a shout out to you, Jake and Betty, because we love you so deeply. And you are like family to us now. But I remember Jake, I think, sent you a text message after that and said something about how we should get together monthly. I think he was the one that initiated that rhythm. That might be true. My memory is the worst. I think you're right. What's so cool about that is like we're rhythm people. Pretty soon after that, I think we got together a few more times. We made a formal rhythm. Agreed upon. Agreed upon rhythm with this family that we would get our families together month. we switched our houses. So one month was at our house and the next month was at their house. But we literally never missed a month those two years that we lived in Asheville. And the relationship was so deep. ⁓ Jake rode in the moving truck with me out to Colorado. He's been here since. Betty came to ⁓ stay with me in the hospital when Darla was the NICU last year. Yeah. These are people who we literally have lived life together when we had the conversation with them that we were moving ⁓ from North Carolina to Colorado, I mean, you and I were just a crying mess. ⁓ I mean, it was those kinds of friendships. But what's amazing and miraculous to me is how deep we went in relatively a short amount of time. Like you might think like getting together once a month is not that frequent. But when you have a commitment to do that and you do it over and over and over again, it is truly supernatural. The kind of depth that can happen with that kind of consistency. And we share that to be encouraging. You're listening to this. know we're speaking to young families for the most part, people in their thirties and forties who don't have time to get together every week, who don't have time to get together every, every day or every other week even. But want to encourage you the depth you can form by having a rhythm, even if it's monthly is very powerful and should not be missed. I think you even have a great rhythm that I love with your friends from Wisconsin and share with us about that because that's even less frequent. Yeah. So my best girlfriends, these are like long-term relationships that we have. I mean, I would say we talk almost every day via text, but we get on the phone and have like a good connecting conversation, like a good Zoom call once a quarter. And do phone calls, in between there, but this is like a good lengthy Zoom call, but it's truly just once a quarter. And it is really sweet how you develop different types of rhythms. Like you can have some ⁓ weekly rhythms with friends, but you could also it monthly or quarterly. And that really brings me into this mindset that I've had around relationships. had this almost categorical mindset when it comes to relationships for probably about a decade. And it's really served and how I see the different relationships in my life. And not because I want to put people in categories, but more so just how am I giving up my energy and time in a way ⁓ that still fosters relationships. but where I don't have to talk to everybody every day or every week or every month because we can't, right? I would describe it for you, the way you talk about it at home how I see you live it out, is this is just where you can realistically give your energy in this season of life. Yeah, right. ⁓ ⁓ not this desire. It's not a I like or don't like. It's literally like... What can I do? Yeah, or even who is the Lord putting on my heart to foster a deeper relationship with and I might put person more on the front burner of my time and energy. And ⁓ just like you said, someone goes on the back burner, so to speak, doesn't mean I like them any less. It's just the season life I'm in. ⁓ And so think of my relationships as daily relationships, ⁓ weekly, ⁓ and relationships. So the obvious for daily relationships for me always is you, my husband, my children. Because that really is the case. I want to every single day be connecting with my immediate family. ⁓ And two best friends from Wisconsin, we text ⁓ very It's almost kind of like a daily relationship, I would say, but then the next category for me is weekly. ⁓ And are the people that I am touching base with on a... pretty regular weekly basis and that to me would be like very, very few amount of friends. But mostly like my local people. when I think about weekly, I think about who are we seeing eye to eye on a weekly basis in our community, ⁓ whether like at school drop off or your church community or maybe your small group, but these are people you're seeing or talking to on a weekly basis. And then relationships and then. ⁓ seasonal relationships I would say are maybe older friends or older acquaintances that maybe you hop on the phone once a year with or maybe you see, you know, a couple times a year. But there's not the pressure there where you have to be talking to them every single day. And I think the healthiest relationships, don't blame ⁓ or you feel ⁓ If you can't talk to them every single day or every single week, they respect boundaries, so to speak, or they respect the capacity that you have for the relationship, and they still treasure it nonetheless. That's a really good point because if they're making you feel bad, that's just manipulation. Yeah. And that's not healthy. Totally. Or they're expecting more from you than you can give. And that just is not that's not fair to put on the relationship. It's not having a heart like Christ would want us to have where we care about the needs of other people. Yeah. We're only caring about ourselves. Yeah. Or that other person is only caring about themselves. They're not really caring about you. That's good. And those relationships are fluid. So I think some friends will move in and out of those categories. And that's OK, too. that is completely healthy. At the same time, I do think we need to be really realistic with what kinds of rhythms we can have with friends and not just say, ⁓ we should talk some time or ⁓ we should catch up more. ⁓ No, no, no. Like that does not work for growing deep relationships. We would be fools to think that we could have a close friendship with someone that we just theoretically want to get together with. So I loved how you shared this about the two types of rhythms we can have with friends or with other people. ⁓ you share what two different rhythms could look like in friendship? Yeah, these are rhythms we've had for a long time, so I know they work. and we've moved multiple times. So I know that they help us build those relationships and to find the relationships ⁓ to deepen them. So we've spent a lot of time already talking about the ⁓ relationship I won't too far into that, but that's where we had that monthly relationship. Just for clarity, you are saying like this is going to be a dedicated rhythm with a specific person. ⁓ yes. Or specific family. Like this is a rhythm you have with somebody ⁓ over and over and over again. exactly right. That is a specific or specific friend. We created this rhythm in life. that's kind of the opposite, that I think helps us start to find those deeper relationships that we wanna build the dedicated relationships with. And that's been our open space rhythm. So I'm just gonna share from our perspective, what works for us as a large family is we love to have people over for Sabbath on Friday night. And that is kind of an open spot in our calendar. We actually look at the calendar and say, hey, on our Sabbaths this upcoming month, here's who we're having over or here's where they're open. And we treat that like an open spot that we can fill. so whether it's from a list or, just somebody you've been talking to lately, we just have a quick conversation of, hey, should we invite this family over this person over for that opportunity? And that's just an open spot on our calendar. For us, it happens to be every week, and sometimes we block those off on a week that's very abundant, and we say, no, we want to recharge that night. We don't want to host that night. But we try to have at least two open spots a month, and we invite friends over so that we can have the quality time together. And it's really a great opportunity not only to welcome different people into our home and different families and relationships, but it's a way to build our relationships and then over time, if we feel led to creating a dedicated rhythm with those people, then we know it's right. We've spent the quality time together to invest into building something deeper. Yeah, like an example of this could be if you're a mom who's been deeply desiring to get coffee with friends, maybe you don't have a specific friend that you're gonna do coffee with like, you know, every other week. But instead, maybe you say, on Saturday mornings, every Saturday morning at 9 a.m., I'm going to block this time out on my calendar as a coffee date with somebody. Maybe it's agreed upon time with your spouse so that your spouse can hang out with the kids so you can do this. And you're then just actively filling that spot 9 a.m. every Saturday with a different friend that you've been wanting to get together with. And you're the one initiating and reaching out and saying, hey, can you get coffee with me at nine? So it's like a dedicated open space for coffee on your calendar every single week. I find that this strategy for rhythms is helpful because it does give you more flexibility. to getting to know more people. And like you said, if it's an abundant week, you can easily just say, you know what, I'm not gonna do it this week. But I do think that especially when you're in a new city, or if you're in a season where you just don't have close friends and you just wanna start building new relationships, I think this is a genius strategy to get in the habit of getting together with people. ⁓ Yeah, the key is scheduling. We schedule the things we truly value. Yeah. And so if you value building relationships, just encouraging you to create the intentional space. And I promise you, ⁓ will fill the space. Yeah. Because other people want to get together. creating the space, then we start to think differently. We start to plan around it and it's in the calendar and it no longer becomes, hey, sometime we should get together. ⁓ now the times of getting together begin to happen. Yeah. I think of another fun example We had a game club Asheville with the and the ⁓ and it was ⁓ perfect because got together at our house. It agreed upon we going to get together monthly at our house. And after the kids went to bed, so we started the game night at o'clock. But all of us loved playing Settlers of Catan. and we had some snacks, we had some wine, and we stayed up till like midnight once a month playing games with our friends. Yeah, it was a connecting point. I think the game became the connecting point, actually. I don't know how it came up, but it came up in conversation and we had all been wanting to spend time together. And so it created this runway of, then if we all love this game, why don't we get together and play it? And then someone's like, well, I'll bring the wine. And someone was excited to bring the cheese. ⁓ You know, they loved our kids, so they would always wanted to come close enough to like say goodnight to them and see them quick. But it was so fun to be able to spend that quality time together. again, that just came from finding a connecting point, you know, creating the rhythm around it. all of us committing to it and all of us were committed to it. so, you know, If friendship only happens when there's leftover time, it's not going to usually happen. Yeah. We need to create the space. I hope you hear us say that today. And I'm encouraging you that when you create the space, the depth will happen because you have now created the opportunity for it to happen. That's so good. So let's recap what we've talked about in this episode because I know in future episodes we're gonna talk a lot more on this topic because it is so important as deeply rooted believers that we have. deeply rooted friendships. But today we talked about the first principle that we follow, which is being the initiator, being who takes the first step and really puts themselves out there to build relationships. ⁓ then the second principle we offered today was creating rhythms, ⁓ randomness. So being ⁓ intentional to create time blocks in your schedule, in your week, in your month. to getting together with people and not being the person that just says, let's get together, but actually develops rhythms with certain people or just having a hosting rhythm that you can rely on or a coffee date rhythm that you can rely on, but just really being intentional to having consistent time with people. we really just wanna encourage you today that friendship in your 30s and your 40s and beyond, is so possible. If you don't have a best friend right now or a deep relationship with other people in your local community, you can make it happen and the Lord can absolutely bring those people into your life. And so I just, I want to encourage you to pray about that. If you don't have someone that you feel like you can have a safe space to just. do life with and share your heart's desires and all the things, like pray about it, because we really believe God will and can bring those people into your life. ⁓ be to go out your comfort zone. I think that is the key is we have to get out of the mundane of this life as adults, ⁓ of like the typical ⁓ the kids to school, go work, come home, eat dinner, watch TV, go to bed, rinse and repeat, we have to get out of that. We really do. And I want to encourage you that relationships grow slowly and they grow intentionally. So there will be a level of patience, but as you begin to follow these principles, you'll begin to cultivate relationships. And just like a plant, once that plant comes out of the ground, it goes so much. faster on the early stages of when it's underground. ⁓ And can do so. It just takes some intentionality, through invitations, rhythms, and and small repeated acts of courage, you can do it. Community is just, it's rarely found by accident. It's built intentionally. So maybe this week, that looks like sending a text. It may be inviting somebody over, starting a monthly dinner, scheduling that coffee date that you keep saying, yeah, we should get together sometime. Or maybe it starts by simply just praying today and asking the Lord to bring the right people into your life because rooted friendship is still possible and it's worth fighting for. we love you. We're praying for you in this area ⁓ drop a comment on spoke to you the most today. and we look forward to seeing you next time. Yeah, thanks for being here on the Rooted Family Podcast.