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Fear of the Irreversible Decision: Why Committing Helps You · Do You F*cking Mind?

0:14
Speaker 1: Hello, my beautiful beans, and welcome to the podcast episode
0:18
Speaker 1: of today. This episode, I haven't touched on this particular
0:22
Speaker 1: topic for years, like as in a fully fleshed out episode.
0:25
Speaker 1: And this episode is all about overcoming the fear of failure,
0:29
Speaker 1: fear of judgment, fear of being alone, fear of being abandoned.
0:34
Speaker 1: all the things, all the fucking fears. That's what we're
0:37
Speaker 1: covering in today's episode. My name is Alexis Fernandez. This
0:39
Speaker 1: is Do You Fucking Mind? This is the podcast that's
0:42
Speaker 1: going to help you change your relationship with your brain,
0:44
Speaker 1: with yourself, and with your life. Now, before we get
0:48
Speaker 1: into this episode, I do want to do a quick disclaimer.
0:52
Speaker 1: This episode is not about phobias, PTSD, or trauma, okay?
0:57
Speaker 1: This is more general And when I talk about general,
1:02
Speaker 1: it's more so when I'm talking about the general population,
1:04
Speaker 1: when they experience like a fear of abandonment or being
1:07
Speaker 1: alone or things like that, but not in a clinical sense.
1:10
Speaker 1: When we are talking about phobias or post-traumatic stress disorder,
1:13
Speaker 1: it's not a simple podcast episode that's going to make
1:16
Speaker 1: the difference. It is working with a therapist or a clinician,
1:20
Speaker 1: a psychiatrist, a psychologist to get through that, working one-on-one
1:25
Speaker 1: on a very personal level. So I just obviously wanted
1:27
Speaker 1: to state that first. So it is talking about everyday,
1:31
Speaker 1: quote unquote, everyday fears that kind of get in the
1:33
Speaker 1: way of you really maximizing and enjoying your life more.
1:36
Speaker 1: you know, being scared to take action on something, being
1:38
Speaker 1: scared to put yourself out there after being heartbroken, you know,
1:40
Speaker 1: this kind of thing, being scared to go against what
1:43
Speaker 1: it is that your parents always told you what to do.
1:45
Speaker 1: These fears that really essentially cockblock you from living your
1:49
Speaker 1: life to the absolute fullest in a way that you
1:52
Speaker 1: deserve and also wouldn't be hurting anyone else if you
1:54
Speaker 1: did that. Now, some fears are relatively, quote unquote, easy
1:59
Speaker 1: to rewrite just by changing how you perceive things. Others...
2:06
Speaker 1: It's more about how you're guiding your thoughts differently. Others
2:09
Speaker 1: take a little bit more training. It's a bit of
2:11
Speaker 1: a little bit more of exposure therapy to do so.
2:14
Speaker 1: So you're going to find that as I go through
2:16
Speaker 1: this episode and give you different perspectives and different ways
2:18
Speaker 1: to look at things, you're going to find, oh yeah,
2:20
Speaker 1: that made sense straight away. My perspective instantly I've changed.
2:23
Speaker 1: And you'll find with other things, you're like, this is
2:25
Speaker 1: one I'm going to absolutely have to work on, even
2:28
Speaker 1: though I can see it from another angle, it's going
2:29
Speaker 1: to take a bit of you know, pushing and trial
2:32
Speaker 1: and error to release that fear and feel more confident
2:35
Speaker 1: in that particular area in my life. In this episode,
2:39
Speaker 1: I'm going to be covering the difference between good fear
2:43
Speaker 1: and bad fear, why fears can grow bigger over time,
2:48
Speaker 1: like when we add context to a certain situation or
2:52
Speaker 1: where your life situation changes and therefore that fear that
2:55
Speaker 1: once was like something you're kind of scared of just
2:57
Speaker 1: kind of exacerbates and you feel like it's getting out
2:59
Speaker 1: of control. spiralling versus processing something and like going through
3:06
Speaker 1: it in your mind and how to navigate that. And
3:09
Speaker 1: then the fears that I'm going to cover are fear
3:11
Speaker 1: of abandonment, more so in the sense of being dumped
3:14
Speaker 1: or being rejected, or within that context, the idea of
3:18
Speaker 1: never finding love, disappointing your parents or people who care
3:23
Speaker 1: in general, making the wrong choice and it being irreversible,
3:28
Speaker 1: And fear of being who you are or changing into
3:32
Speaker 1: who you want to be and being judged for that.
3:37
Speaker 1: So say you're like, I know the kind of person
3:39
Speaker 1: that I want to be. That person exists inside me,
3:42
Speaker 1: but I act as a different version of myself to
3:44
Speaker 1: everyone else because that's the version of me that they know.
3:46
Speaker 1: But I really want to be this like person that
3:48
Speaker 1: I know is inside me. But they're going to reject me.
3:50
Speaker 1: They're going to laugh at me. They're going to criticize me.
3:53
Speaker 1: They're going to think I'm being X, Y, Z. So
3:56
Speaker 1: I don't do that. And then I keep living in this,
3:59
Speaker 1: one version of myself. So let's begin. No life update today.
4:03
Speaker 1: I just want to kind of get straight into the episode. Firstly,
4:07
Speaker 1: let's talk about good fear versus bad fear. And I mean,
4:11
Speaker 1: that's a bit of a dumbed down way of talking
4:14
Speaker 1: about it, but in a nutshell, good fear versus bad fear.
4:18
Speaker 1: I want you to look at the circuitry in the brain.
4:21
Speaker 1: When we're talking about fear and and anxiety, the brain
4:25
Speaker 1: is using very similar circuitry for fear and anxiety. And
4:28
Speaker 1: it also uses a similar circuitry when we are talking
4:33
Speaker 1: about emotions such as anticipation and excitement. Fear in the
4:39
Speaker 1: short term and anxiety or stresses in the short term
4:43
Speaker 1: can actually serve you well. So this is acute moments
4:49
Speaker 1: of fear. This is where we're talking good fear. This
4:51
Speaker 1: is what stops you from procrastinating forever. This is when
4:54
Speaker 1: there is a deadline and you have something to lose
4:57
Speaker 1: and that anxiety that pushes you to do something in
5:01
Speaker 1: the short term. The nerves and the butterflies that actually
5:05
Speaker 1: help you perform because you get that release of cortisol
5:07
Speaker 1: as well and you're hyper-focused when you go to perform.
5:10
Speaker 1: Not debilitating stress where then it all goes out the
5:13
Speaker 1: window and you can't concentrate. It's just that right amount
5:16
Speaker 1: of stress where you're locked in. That adrenaline rush. you know,
5:21
Speaker 1: think of athletes being on stage, presentations, all of that.
5:24
Speaker 1: A lot of these people really do enjoy having a
5:26
Speaker 1: bit of that adrenaline and a bit of that anxiety
5:28
Speaker 1: because then when they're on, they're fucking on, okay? Of course,
5:31
Speaker 1: too much can be paralyzing. This is the good fear.
5:34
Speaker 1: This is the good anxiety. This is the good nerves
5:36
Speaker 1: that we're talking about. But then when we start feeling
5:41
Speaker 1: it on a chronic level, that's when it starts to
5:44
Speaker 1: really inhibit you. And it starts to make you, well,
5:48
Speaker 1: I don't want to experience that pain. I don't want
5:49
Speaker 1: to experience that discomfort. So I'm going to pull back.
5:51
Speaker 1: I'm going to pull back. Oh, I can't, I can't,
5:52
Speaker 1: I can't, I can't. And your brain kind of tells you,
5:56
Speaker 1: stop doing that. Don't do that. Get away from that.
5:58
Speaker 1: And then you start living smaller and smaller and smaller.
6:01
Speaker 1: What I want you to ask yourself is, is this
6:03
Speaker 1: an acute situation where there's like a mix of nerves,
6:07
Speaker 1: but maybe a bit of excitement where something is helping
6:10
Speaker 1: me get past the finish line? So for example, say
6:13
Speaker 1: you're about to present, you're about to get on stage
6:15
Speaker 1: or you're about to compete. Those nerves are a good thing.
6:20
Speaker 1: And we want to harness them. And you can harness
6:22
Speaker 1: them by bringing your body into it and getting quite
6:25
Speaker 1: physical so you're kind of absorbing a bit of those nerves,
6:27
Speaker 1: jumping up and down like with adrenaline so it doesn't
6:30
Speaker 1: all stay and you're not shaking. But that's a really
6:33
Speaker 1: good way of harnessing it, getting into your body and
6:35
Speaker 1: feeling ready. Versus when we're feeling really anxious about a
6:39
Speaker 1: text message that we received and that anxiety is getting
6:41
Speaker 1: worse and worse and worse and we're just sitting on
6:43
Speaker 1: the couch and we're feeling like not much can be done.
6:46
Speaker 1: I want you to try and reframe whenever possible when
6:49
Speaker 1: you're sitting there feeling anxious about something. I want you
6:52
Speaker 1: to think, what other emotions could I be feeling where
6:56
Speaker 1: the physical symptoms are similar? And this is something that
7:00
Speaker 1: you can really trick your brain. You can really trick
7:03
Speaker 1: your brain. This is what I fucking love about it.
7:05
Speaker 1: The brain is at times quite predictable and you can
7:08
Speaker 1: do things to kind of like get ahead. If you're
7:12
Speaker 1: feeling anxious, what are the things that mimic that physical symptom?
7:16
Speaker 1: So the heart is racing. Maybe you're flushed. Your face
7:19
Speaker 1: is a bit red. You feel like there's a weight
7:23
Speaker 1: on your shoulders. You feel a bit like, oh. So
7:26
Speaker 1: what am I going to do? I'm going to use
7:28
Speaker 1: that energy because I feel like that when I'm exercising,
7:32
Speaker 1: in the middle of when I'm working out, when I'm
7:34
Speaker 1: feeling out of breath or like chest is tight. So
7:37
Speaker 1: what I'm going to do is I'm going to get
7:38
Speaker 1: up and maybe– perform some air squats or some squat
7:41
Speaker 1: jumps or some like fucking mountain climbers or whatever it is.
7:45
Speaker 1: You're going to get your body into that state and
7:48
Speaker 1: then you think, God, I'm exhausted from working out. Or
7:51
Speaker 1: what I used to do when I would go for auditions,
7:54
Speaker 1: people would say, don't you ever get anxious when you
7:56
Speaker 1: do auditions? And I used to say, no, I don't,
7:58
Speaker 1: but I get really excited before I audition. And then
8:02
Speaker 1: I put two and two together and I realised, wait
8:04
Speaker 1: a minute, That's the same thing. Maybe I was just
8:06
Speaker 1: telling myself that that anxiety was just excitement when in reality,
8:09
Speaker 1: those butterflies that I was like, oh, this is what
8:13
Speaker 1: I feel when I'm on a roller coaster. So it
8:15
Speaker 1: just must be excitement. When some people, when they go
8:18
Speaker 1: on a roller coaster, they're like, oh, I can't do that.
8:19
Speaker 1: Oh my God, the anxiety, I can't. So it's, you
8:22
Speaker 1: can just tell yourself, oh, I'm just actually really excited.
8:24
Speaker 1: I get that excitement. I get excited. Tell yourself that
8:27
Speaker 1: it's something different because the physical symptoms very often do overlap. Now,
8:32
Speaker 1: this is not the case if your anxiety is debilitating.
8:36
Speaker 1: I'm talking about generalized anxiety for the general population, not
8:40
Speaker 1: people with anxiety disorders. Please keep that in mind. When
8:44
Speaker 1: you can confuse your mind with that, you can use
8:48
Speaker 1: this to your advantage. You can snap out of an
8:50
Speaker 1: anxious moment because of a text message by getting physical
8:53
Speaker 1: with your body and exhausting your body and getting yourself
8:57
Speaker 1: out of breath, getting your own heart rate up through exercise.
9:00
Speaker 1: And then you start to calm down. The other benefit
9:02
Speaker 1: of doing that, of course, is that you're releasing things
9:04
Speaker 1: like endorphins, which are like your body's natural painkillers, so
9:06
Speaker 1: that you start to calm down anyway after you do
9:08
Speaker 1: that exercise. But it's a really good way to kind
9:10
Speaker 1: of like short circuit what's going on. Another thing that
9:14
Speaker 1: where fear is good in a way or fear slash
9:17
Speaker 1: anxiety is when you fear not having something important in
9:24
Speaker 1: your life. That is a good motivator. You don't want
9:27
Speaker 1: to sit in this fear forever, but I think it's
9:30
Speaker 1: important to have negative emotions in our life. Negative emotions
9:33
Speaker 1: are massive teachers. Discomfort is a huge teacher. If I
9:39
Speaker 1: feel regret... It means that I can learn something from it. Okay,
9:43
Speaker 1: I might never be able to turn around what happened,
9:46
Speaker 1: but I can learn from it. If I regret that
9:49
Speaker 1: I never took action on that thing, what does it
9:51
Speaker 1: mean for me if another opportunity comes up? It means
9:54
Speaker 1: I'm going to go for it more than ever because
9:55
Speaker 1: I know what it feels like to not have taken action.
9:58
Speaker 1: I know what it feels like to sit in regret.
10:01
Speaker 1: And I can use that to my advantage now. I
10:03
Speaker 1: can't rewrite the past, but I can use that to
10:06
Speaker 1: help me with my future. I know what it feels like,
10:09
Speaker 1: for example, let's say You know, you didn't treat your
10:12
Speaker 1: partner right and they left you and you did everything
10:14
Speaker 1: you could to get them back, but they're like, I've
10:15
Speaker 1: drawn a boundary, I'm done. So that sucks. But you
10:18
Speaker 1: could say, I regret what I did there. I took
10:20
Speaker 1: someone for granted. I'll never do that again. Then you
10:24
Speaker 1: end up being a much better partner to the next
10:27
Speaker 1: person you meet. You can always, well, maybe not always,
10:30
Speaker 1: I would say almost always use regret as a teacher.
10:33
Speaker 1: So negative feelings are teachers. If you are scared to
10:37
Speaker 1: miss out on an opportunity, good. This means that this
10:41
Speaker 1: is important to you. This means you need to value it.
10:43
Speaker 1: You need to prioritize it. You need to shift around
10:45
Speaker 1: your schedule so you make time to make this thing happen.
10:48
Speaker 1: Same for making time for people. If you're someone that's like, oh,
10:51
Speaker 1: I'm really scared about my family members dying, what the
10:54
Speaker 1: fuck does that mean? You need to prioritize them. Spend
10:57
Speaker 1: as much quality time with them as possible because there's
10:59
Speaker 1: nothing worse than you being one of those people who
11:01
Speaker 1: who also doesn't see them or call them or spend
11:04
Speaker 1: much time with them. And then when they do go,
11:05
Speaker 1: you think, wow, I knew I could have spent more
11:08
Speaker 1: time with them and I didn't. And I was aware
11:11
Speaker 1: that I could have prioritized them more, but I didn't.
11:14
Speaker 1: Now that's regret. That's, you know, you absolutely can't change.
11:17
Speaker 1: So this kind of fear makes you more present. And
11:23
Speaker 1: that little bit of anxiety is a good, it pushes,
11:27
Speaker 1: you know, your, yeah, navigating system to where you want
11:31
Speaker 1: to go. As long as you don't stay focused on this,
11:35
Speaker 1: the lack of or the fear of not getting or
11:37
Speaker 1: the fear of something going wrong, as long as you're like, okay,
11:39
Speaker 1: I've taken what I need to take out of that
11:41
Speaker 1: and now I can put it into action, then that
11:43
Speaker 1: fear or that anxiety has been of use. Thank you
11:46
Speaker 1: very much. On to the next. Okay. So if you're
11:50
Speaker 1: able to analyze it without getting too emotionally invested and spiraling,
11:54
Speaker 1: which I'll talk about in a little bit, then you
11:58
Speaker 1: you can do something about it. Fear mainly becomes harmful
12:01
Speaker 1: when it kind of is sitting in the background. You're
12:03
Speaker 1: trying to avoid it. You don't want to confront those
12:05
Speaker 1: thoughts because maybe they're really, you're like, oh my God,
12:07
Speaker 1: that's more, but I don't want to think about that.
12:08
Speaker 1: Like the deathbed test or your family members dying or
12:11
Speaker 1: things like that. You're like, oh my God, oh my God,
12:12
Speaker 1: don't talk about it. But because you don't think, well,
12:14
Speaker 1: what is this making me feel? Why am I feeling
12:17
Speaker 1: this way? Maybe I should reprioritize things. You just don't
12:20
Speaker 1: address it. You ignore it. And then of course, that's
12:23
Speaker 1: where it's pointless and it's not really helping you live
12:25
Speaker 1: your life to the fullest. Bad fear, quote unquote bad fear,
12:28
Speaker 1: is when it stops, when your fear stops you from
12:31
Speaker 1: doing something, when it leaves you in limbo and when
12:36
Speaker 1: choices are there but you're so fearful that you don't
12:38
Speaker 1: go here nor there. You're like, I'm too scared to
12:41
Speaker 1: risk one thing or lose the other and I'm scared
12:43
Speaker 1: to make the wrong decision. So you just sit there, right?
12:46
Speaker 1: The aim in life is not to avoid negative feelings.
12:49
Speaker 1: The aim in life is to know how to navigate
12:52
Speaker 1: through negative feelings. How do I navigate through FOMO, through fear?
12:55
Speaker 1: through fear of disappointment, through anxiety, through heartbreak, through all
13:00
Speaker 1: the other negative emotions that we can feel, feeling flat,
13:02
Speaker 1: feeling this, feeling that, distracted. These things are going to
13:05
Speaker 1: happen to us. And in order to live a full life,
13:07
Speaker 1: you're going to have a lot of bad, frustrating, annoying,
13:11
Speaker 1: sad things happen to you. But it's going to be
13:13
Speaker 1: mixed in with a lot of fucking good things. So
13:16
Speaker 1: you either have this blunted life where there's no highs
13:20
Speaker 1: or no lows, or you experience all of it. And
13:27
Speaker 1: that's why a lot of my episodes are around how
13:29
Speaker 1: do we navigate the hard things in life, because they're
13:31
Speaker 1: going to come up. If you want to have a
13:32
Speaker 1: good life, if you want to have a full life,
13:34
Speaker 1: they're going to come up. We don't aim to avoid.
13:36
Speaker 1: We aim to just navigate it in the healthiest way
13:39
Speaker 1: possible when we're not sitting in pain for too long. Now,
13:43
Speaker 1: why is it that fears, for some people, grow bigger
13:47
Speaker 1: over time? I've said this recently. I think it was
13:51
Speaker 1: even last week in last week's podcast episode, but I've
13:53
Speaker 1: said it often, but when we revisit a thought, we
13:59
Speaker 1: think about the last time we thought about that thought,
14:01
Speaker 1: if that makes sense. So if I think about a
14:03
Speaker 1: holiday that I went on, I not only think about
14:06
Speaker 1: the time that I went on the holiday, but every
14:08
Speaker 1: time I've thought about it since and added detail to that,
14:11
Speaker 1: that's what I'm going to think about when I then remember.
14:13
Speaker 1: You add context. Every time you retrieve a memory and
14:16
Speaker 1: you add emotion and context to it, you enrich that
14:19
Speaker 1: memory with things that maybe didn't even happen at the time.
14:23
Speaker 1: So an example of this, and this is with a
14:27
Speaker 1: PTSD example, but this happened, I don't know how long ago,
14:32
Speaker 1: but there was a witness. This is like a very
14:35
Speaker 1: interesting study that was done on how post-traumatic stress disorder
14:38
Speaker 1: can happen well after the fact. There was a witness
14:41
Speaker 1: who was held at gunpoint when a bank was being robbed.
14:46
Speaker 1: She was the teller. A bank was being robbed. And
14:49
Speaker 1: she handed over the cash, whatever. And then she had
14:52
Speaker 1: to appear in court as a witness to, you know,
14:54
Speaker 1: identify whatever. And she had processed it and thought, yeah,
14:58
Speaker 1: that was pretty intense, but it was okay. After the
15:01
Speaker 1: court case and when she was there, she learnt that
15:04
Speaker 1: that same, like the criminal, the bank robber, had in
15:10
Speaker 1: another instance shot someone at a bank while doing the
15:14
Speaker 1: exact same interaction. And I don't know if they killed
15:17
Speaker 1: them or not. I don't know that detail. But they
15:18
Speaker 1: had actually... followed through and shot someone. So that knowledge
15:23
Speaker 1: then caused the PTSD. So the whole experience that she
15:26
Speaker 1: went through, she was like, that was fucking hectic, but okay,
15:29
Speaker 1: I've moved on, it's fine. But then she didn't get
15:31
Speaker 1: the trauma until she recalled the event with the new details,
15:35
Speaker 1: with the new knowledge. Now we can do this with
15:37
Speaker 1: the truth, like that scenario, but you can also do
15:40
Speaker 1: this with added things. Like when you recall an event,
15:42
Speaker 1: this is why the interrogations are really dangerous when it's
15:47
Speaker 1: done unethically. when police are interrogating a witness, when they
15:52
Speaker 1: give leading questions and you try and make someone believe
15:55
Speaker 1: something based on how the question was asked. You can
15:58
Speaker 1: add detail to a memory. So that's why fears can
16:00
Speaker 1: get bigger. <HAL> <HAL> <HAL> <HAL> <HAL> <HAL> <HAL> <HAL> <HAL> <HAL> <HAL> <HAL> <HAL> <HAL> <HAL> <HAL> <HAL> <HAL> <HAL> <HAL> <HAL> <HAL> <HAL> <HAL> <HAL> <HAL> <HAL> <HAL> <HAL> <HAL> <HAL> <HAL> <HAL> <HAL>
16:08
Speaker 1: Another reason why fears can grow bigger over time is
16:12
Speaker 1: that your life situation changes. So for example, with me,
16:16
Speaker 1: I used to love it. I used to fucking love
16:19
Speaker 1: real crime, murder and all of that. Now, it still
16:22
Speaker 1: fascinates me and I still will dabble here and there,
16:24
Speaker 1: but nowhere near as much. And it was a sharp
16:27
Speaker 1: change when I felt pregnant. I couldn't listen to murder podcasts.
16:31
Speaker 1: I couldn't watch these like intense murder documentaries like I
16:34
Speaker 1: used to be able to. I couldn't do it. I
16:36
Speaker 1: couldn't have that heightened stress when I was pregnant. And
16:38
Speaker 1: then after the babies were born, I did watch a
16:41
Speaker 1: few documentaries, which I found fascinating while I was watching them.
16:44
Speaker 1: But then afterwards, I was really anxious. And you guys know,
16:48
Speaker 1: I'm not generally an anxious person, but I was like,
16:52
Speaker 1: all the doors locked, this or that. And I was like,
16:55
Speaker 1: fuck me. After becoming a mum, I'm thinking about, well,
16:59
Speaker 1: how does this apply in this scenario? And then I
17:00
Speaker 1: start like going on all these like tangents and my
17:03
Speaker 1: mind goes all the... So that's another reason why fears
17:05
Speaker 1: can get bigger over time. Your life situation will change.
17:08
Speaker 1: There's certain major things that occur in your life that
17:10
Speaker 1: can cause you to view a situation completely differently. It
17:14
Speaker 1: might make you think that something is a much bigger
17:17
Speaker 1: risk than it used to be. Yeah, so that's an example. Now,
17:22
Speaker 1: let's talk about spiraling versus talking it out. Because when
17:28
Speaker 1: we're talking about fearful things, and I'm going to talk
17:30
Speaker 1: about all the main fear points that I was mentioning
17:33
Speaker 1: at the start of the episode. But spiraling is when
17:39
Speaker 1: I talk about like attracts like. A thought attracts a
17:42
Speaker 1: similar thought. And when the brain is left on autopilot,
17:47
Speaker 1: when it's our default mode network playing, that's a prime
17:51
Speaker 1: example of like attracts like. If you start daydreaming about
17:55
Speaker 1: something that you really like, before you know it, you've
17:58
Speaker 1: got quite an intricate daydream and it's quite creative and whatever,
18:00
Speaker 1: because this thought brings in another thought and that's quite pleasant.
18:03
Speaker 1: But if you're thinking about something that's you're scared of
18:07
Speaker 1: or that you're anxious about, these thoughts are bringing on
18:09
Speaker 1: more like thoughts. If you're heartbroken and then you remember
18:12
Speaker 1: something about your ex and then you remember this and
18:14
Speaker 1: then a song and then this and then that, and
18:15
Speaker 1: then it's, and you're spiraling, spiraling, spiraling. You know, those
18:18
Speaker 1: people that will always circle back and talk about the
18:20
Speaker 1: same thing in the same way, telling the same story
18:22
Speaker 1: again and again and again and again, and they spiral, spiral.
18:25
Speaker 1: And you're like, you are spiraling. You need to find
18:28
Speaker 1: a way to kind of snap out of this, but
18:29
Speaker 1: you can't say that to someone in the middle of
18:31
Speaker 1: this spiral world. There's a way you can say it,
18:33
Speaker 1: but not like that. And so You kind of think, well,
18:37
Speaker 1: how do I go from this to actually working through
18:41
Speaker 1: my thoughts without it being a like attracts like? What's
18:44
Speaker 1: the difference here? So one is being in it and
18:48
Speaker 1: the other one is observing it. So how do we
18:52
Speaker 1: pull ourselves out of being in it? When we are
19:04
Speaker 1: in it, it feels like we don't have control. It
19:06
Speaker 1: feels like we're a passenger on the ride of what's
19:09
Speaker 1: going on in our brain. But when we observe, we
19:12
Speaker 1: feel like we are watching ourselves think. And the best
19:14
Speaker 1: way to do that is by naming out loud what
19:18
Speaker 1: you are going through, because that's when you kind of
19:21
Speaker 1: snap your prefrontal cortex into action. That's like your forward,
19:25
Speaker 1: it's your reasoning, it's your executive function, it's like forward planning,
19:28
Speaker 1: it's understanding consequences to your actions, all of that. When
19:32
Speaker 1: we're spiraling default mode network being all emotional, that's more
19:35
Speaker 1: the basal ganglia. That's more other regions of the brain
19:37
Speaker 1: that's kind of on autopilot. So just by naming it,
19:40
Speaker 1: ideally out loud, because that brings in another region of
19:43
Speaker 1: the brain, but you could even just think it, you know,
19:47
Speaker 1: if you're sitting in your office and you're like anxious,
19:49
Speaker 1: I'm feeling anxious. anxious out loud, I'm sure that would
19:51
Speaker 1: be weird. But if you can, say it out loud
19:53
Speaker 1: as well. And just by naming it, that already like
19:58
Speaker 1: switches gears. Then you want to say, what exactly is
20:01
Speaker 1: it about? Pinpoint exactly what it is. Don't spiral, don't
20:04
Speaker 1: go broad, just go, I'm feeling anxious because I saw
20:06
Speaker 1: something my ex's name come up or I noticed that
20:09
Speaker 1: they watched my stories. I was looking for them to
20:12
Speaker 1: watch my stories and they are watching my stories or
20:14
Speaker 1: the opposite. I was looking for my ex to watch
20:16
Speaker 1: my stories and they haven't and now it's made me
20:17
Speaker 1: feel like shit. Now I'm spiralling. This person hasn't replied
20:21
Speaker 1: to me. We went on a great date. It's been
20:22
Speaker 1: 10 hours and nothing, crickets. And I keep thinking about
20:25
Speaker 1: that and I just checked my phone and it's made
20:27
Speaker 1: me feel even more anxious. It could be anything. But
20:31
Speaker 1: when we name it, we reduce the anxiety to exactly
20:35
Speaker 1: what we're anxious about. Sometimes if we don't name it
20:37
Speaker 1: and we try and brush it under the rug, it
20:39
Speaker 1: starts to grow and grow and grow and grow and grow.
20:42
Speaker 1: And we don't really know now why we feel so
20:45
Speaker 1: shit and why our heart has been racing so much.
20:47
Speaker 1: So you want to pinpoint it. Then you want to
20:49
Speaker 1: give yourself some counter thoughts to it. So for example...
20:54
Speaker 1: if we're talking about this person hasn't messaged me back,
20:55
Speaker 1: you could say, well, as into this person as I am,
20:58
Speaker 1: it is only one date. I have to take a breath.
21:00
Speaker 1: It's one date. Maybe this person views the first date
21:04
Speaker 1: as a relatively casual thing and they don't have that
21:06
Speaker 1: pressure to message immediately, whereas I would. People see things differently, blah, blah, blah.
21:10
Speaker 1: So you start to kind of talk yourself down that
21:12
Speaker 1: ledge and give yourself more neutral thoughts to kind of
21:15
Speaker 1: anchor yourself to. If it is an X thing and
21:17
Speaker 1: you feel so anxious about it, you need to then
21:20
Speaker 1: remind yourself of things that, you know, for example, you know,
21:24
Speaker 1: that the relationship is over, that you are looking at
21:28
Speaker 1: other things to make yourself feel better, that you're looking
21:30
Speaker 1: forward to dinner with your best friend tonight. She's going
21:32
Speaker 1: to come over and cook you pasta while you watch
21:33
Speaker 1: a rom-com. There are things to look forward to, even
21:36
Speaker 1: though you're going through a hard time, things like that. Okay.
21:38
Speaker 1: So when we talk about spiraling, it's more you are
21:41
Speaker 1: in your thoughts and you're taking for the ride. Talking
21:45
Speaker 1: it out is more when you are looking at that
21:47
Speaker 1: thought and you're trying to turn it more into a
21:49
Speaker 1: more neutral thought without adding fuel to the fire. Now,
21:54
Speaker 1: let's talk about the different fears that I wanted to cover.
22:00
Speaker 1: The first one was this idea of being abandoned, being
22:05
Speaker 1: alone after a breakup. Now, when I'm talking about abandoned,
22:08
Speaker 1: I am going to be specifically talking about romantically here,
22:12
Speaker 1: that fear of being left. I'm not going to be
22:14
Speaker 1: talking about the deep trauma that comes from being abandoned
22:17
Speaker 1: as a child. That's very different. Now, what I want
22:21
Speaker 1: you to do if you're going through this particular kind
22:24
Speaker 1: of fear, is you have to figure out what is
22:27
Speaker 1: the actual pinpoint what it is. Am I scared of
22:32
Speaker 1: not being desired, not being loved? Is it that I'm
22:36
Speaker 1: not valued, that I don't have validation? Because you could
22:40
Speaker 1: be someone that is really into someone and you don't
22:43
Speaker 1: want them to dump you where it's really early days,
22:46
Speaker 1: but ultimately you're really good with self-validation. And you're like, no, no, no,
22:50
Speaker 1: my sense of self is, that's not what the fear is.
22:52
Speaker 1: It's more so... I'm just so caught up on this
22:55
Speaker 1: person and the thought of them then not being into
22:58
Speaker 1: me is just so upsetting, okay? So like it's figuring
23:01
Speaker 1: out where that fear lies. The fear is going to
23:05
Speaker 1: be bigger. When we talk about abandonment fear and alone,
23:09
Speaker 1: like fear of being alone after a breakup, the fear
23:12
Speaker 1: is going to be bigger and bigger and bigger if
23:14
Speaker 1: you think that you cannot be alone. If you don't
23:18
Speaker 1: like your own company, it is okay to say, I
23:20
Speaker 1: want to be in a relationship but I still like
23:23
Speaker 1: my own company versus I cannot be alone. The thought
23:28
Speaker 1: of being alone terrifies me. I can't, I can't, I can't.
23:31
Speaker 1: Because the truth is you can, right? You might not
23:35
Speaker 1: want to, but you will survive. If you are dumped,
23:39
Speaker 1: you will live. I fucking hope. So that's a fact.
23:44
Speaker 1: So if you tell yourself, I can't, I can't do this,
23:47
Speaker 1: I can't, you start catastrophizing because And your brain has
23:50
Speaker 1: nowhere to go but to spiral around similar thoughts of
23:53
Speaker 1: this catastrophic nature. You don't come up with any proactive
23:57
Speaker 1: thought and then you stay in this fear thinking, I
24:00
Speaker 1: cannot do it. The truth is you can do it
24:03
Speaker 1: and you'd probably do it relatively well. Some people will
24:05
Speaker 1: thrive being alone and some people not so much. But
24:08
Speaker 1: you will survive and you can do it. So you
24:11
Speaker 1: have to learn to back yourself a little bit more.
24:14
Speaker 1: So instead of living from a fear-based perspective, which often
24:17
Speaker 1: is a cock block in relationships because you're so fearful,
24:20
Speaker 1: you're not relaxed, you're not yourself, you try and control
24:22
Speaker 1: the other person, you overanalyze them, you question them so
24:26
Speaker 1: much because you're like, well, I've got to make sure
24:27
Speaker 1: that they're never going to leave me. And then before
24:30
Speaker 1: you know it, you've just unintentionally pushed them away when
24:34
Speaker 1: you were trying to keep them closer. It's like that
24:36
Speaker 1: whole thing of, you know, if you love something, let
24:39
Speaker 1: it go and see if it comes back, whatever. It's
24:41
Speaker 1: more so in the sense of if you love something,
24:44
Speaker 1: you want to let it be. Let that person be.
24:48
Speaker 1: Let that person be who they are. Let them show
24:51
Speaker 1: themselves to you and vice versa. And that's how a
24:54
Speaker 1: really loving, healthy relationship will manifest out of that. If
24:57
Speaker 1: you are from a position of like, this is a
24:59
Speaker 1: possession that I have to have and I have to control,
25:02
Speaker 1: you're not treating that person like you really love them
25:05
Speaker 1: because you're trying to control what they end up doing
25:08
Speaker 1: and what they end up choosing. So the next thing
25:13
Speaker 1: that I wanted to cover is this idea of people
25:15
Speaker 1: will often stay in a relationship because they fear not
25:21
Speaker 1: finding anyone else. And the underlying fear of that is
25:25
Speaker 1: not wanting to be alone. Because if you stay in
25:27
Speaker 1: a relationship because you're like, but what if I never
25:28
Speaker 1: find anyone else? That means that you're not even fathoming
25:31
Speaker 1: the alternative, which is being alone. You're thinking, well, that's
25:34
Speaker 1: not on the cards. And if I can't find someone else,
25:37
Speaker 1: I have to stay with this person. You're saying, I
25:40
Speaker 1: cannot even imagine what it's like being alone. So when
25:43
Speaker 1: we talk about this fear of being alone, we have
25:47
Speaker 1: to ask ourselves why. Instead of spiraling, let's talk it out.
25:51
Speaker 1: Let's ask ourselves the question of like, what is this
25:54
Speaker 1: underlying problem of being alone? Because when you are alone, okay,
25:59
Speaker 1: you don't have the companionship. You don't have, there's a
26:01
Speaker 1: bunch of things that you don't get when you live
26:02
Speaker 1: alone and you don't have the partner that you always
26:04
Speaker 1: wanted to have. That's granted. But what do you gain?
26:07
Speaker 1: You gain peace of mind. If you're in an unhealthy relationship,
26:09
Speaker 1: peace of mind. You gain not having this crazy anxiety
26:12
Speaker 1: of the push-pull of someone playing games with you constantly,
26:15
Speaker 1: of a situationship that never manifests into anything, but you're
26:19
Speaker 1: telling yourself it's better than being alone. No, it's not.
26:21
Speaker 1: Because your mind is so occupied with this thing that's
26:24
Speaker 1: nor here nor there, and you are wasting your time,
26:27
Speaker 1: which is a resource you'll never get back. So there's
26:29
Speaker 1: all these things that you actually do gain from being alone.
26:32
Speaker 1: You gain perspective, you gain freedom, you gain more autonomy,
26:36
Speaker 1: you gain ownership over your time. So these little observations
26:43
Speaker 1: are going to help you realize, am I actually fearful
26:47
Speaker 1: of losing this person because they're a catch or am
26:49
Speaker 1: I just fearful of being alone? And that abandonment fear
26:53
Speaker 1: is is going to really drive you acting in a
26:58
Speaker 1: very reactive state in your life. I want you to always,
27:01
Speaker 1: when we look at our fears, make sure that it's
27:03
Speaker 1: a good fear. It's a fear that drives us to
27:05
Speaker 1: positive change in our life, not a bad fear that
27:09
Speaker 1: makes us do the worst things possible because we are
27:12
Speaker 1: scared to be alone, so I'm going to be in
27:13
Speaker 1: a very unhealthy relationship. Or I'm scared to be alone,
27:16
Speaker 1: so I'm going to waste all this time in this
27:18
Speaker 1: situation with someone that doesn't actually like me. But it's
27:21
Speaker 1: pacifying me and it's, you know... I'm lying to myself
27:26
Speaker 1: saying that I'm not actually alone because I've got this companionship.
27:28
Speaker 1: But in reality, I'm in love with them and they're
27:30
Speaker 1: not in love with me. And this is not a
27:31
Speaker 1: fair exchange. I'm all for situationships, genuinely, if people are aligned.
27:36
Speaker 1: But the issue is that a lot of the time,
27:38
Speaker 1: there's one person that falls in love and one person
27:41
Speaker 1: that's cruising along on easy street. And then it's not
27:43
Speaker 1: a fair dynamic, okay? Even if you say, well, no, no, no,
27:46
Speaker 1: it's fine, it's fine, it's fine. It's not fine. You're
27:48
Speaker 1: being unfair to yourself. So that's a form of self-abandonment.
27:51
Speaker 1: When you allow yourself to be in a situation... where
27:54
Speaker 1: you are breaking your own heart, you're abandoning yourself. And
27:57
Speaker 1: then that reinforces that loop of I never want to
27:59
Speaker 1: be alone. Of course you don't. You fucking abandon yourself
28:01
Speaker 1: all the time. No wonder you don't want to be alone.
28:04
Speaker 1: So in order to really validate yourself and to get
28:07
Speaker 1: rid of that fear of being alone is number one, ask,
28:10
Speaker 1: this has to be a healthy fear. I want to fear,
28:13
Speaker 1: you know, wasting time. I want to fear not making
28:17
Speaker 1: the most of the time that I am single and
28:19
Speaker 1: alone and If you can turn that fear around and say,
28:22
Speaker 1: make sure I don't regret this in the future. If
28:24
Speaker 1: I am single, what would I only be able to
28:26
Speaker 1: do when I'm single? That when I do end up
28:28
Speaker 1: in a relationship, what will I think? Oh, fuck, I
28:30
Speaker 1: should have done that when I was single. Or fuck,
28:32
Speaker 1: you know, those were the days when I had the
28:34
Speaker 1: opportunity to just really, you know, that's how you can
28:37
Speaker 1: turn it around. You start to change your perspective on
28:39
Speaker 1: a situation and you think, Make sure I'm scared of
28:42
Speaker 1: a good thing. Don't be fearful from a reactive place.
28:45
Speaker 1: Be fearful from a place where you can take action,
28:48
Speaker 1: where you can be proactive and do something about that fear,
28:50
Speaker 1: not where you're sitting there hoarding, hoarding this relationship and
28:53
Speaker 1: hoarding this situation or hoarding it close to you when
28:55
Speaker 1: it's a piece of shit anyway. It's a piece of
28:57
Speaker 1: fucking shit. It's literally what a hoarder does. They hoard
29:00
Speaker 1: shit in their home. And that's what you do when
29:03
Speaker 1: you entertain unhealthy relationships and all of this just because
29:07
Speaker 1: you're scared to be alone. Now let's talk about this
29:14
Speaker 1: fear of disappointing people, in particular your parents. This is
29:19
Speaker 1: a huge driver for people's lives where they are so
29:22
Speaker 1: worried to disappoint their parents. So it drives their life choices,
29:27
Speaker 1: where they plan to live, what job they're going to do,
29:30
Speaker 1: and in some intense cases, who they end up marrying
29:34
Speaker 1: or choosing to be with in their life. okay? And
29:39
Speaker 1: some parents have such a strong pull over their children
29:44
Speaker 1: that they're, and of course, because they've been raised by
29:46
Speaker 1: their parents, it's very hard to escape it and look
29:50
Speaker 1: at it from a different perspective. You are in it
29:52
Speaker 1: so deeply because you were raised, reared by these people,
29:56
Speaker 1: and then these crazy expectations on you that the thought
29:59
Speaker 1: of disappointing them or going against what they want or
30:02
Speaker 1: going against their beliefs feels unfathomable. And because your parents
30:07
Speaker 1: are part of who you are, it feels like a
30:08
Speaker 1: bit of an attack to your own identity to go against,
30:11
Speaker 1: especially if you have a good, I'm talking if you
30:12
Speaker 1: have a good relationship with your parents. It feels like
30:15
Speaker 1: you're going against yourself and it's your kind of, it's
30:17
Speaker 1: like a threat to yourself. But you have to always
30:23
Speaker 1: remind yourself your parents are do not own you. Children
30:26
Speaker 1: are not possessions of their parents. And parents by default,
30:30
Speaker 1: because we are just humans in general are very good
30:34
Speaker 1: at imagining things. We in our nature are going to
30:37
Speaker 1: imagine or our parents are going to imagine a life
30:40
Speaker 1: for us. And they sometimes get a little bit carried
30:43
Speaker 1: away with this imagination. They create a little movie that
30:45
Speaker 1: they've directed and they've cast all these characters in that
30:48
Speaker 1: movie and they get all excited. you're going to have
30:50
Speaker 1: this career, you're going to do this, you're going to,
30:52
Speaker 1: you know, study this and you're going to have that
30:54
Speaker 1: and you're going to have this kind of partner and
30:55
Speaker 1: this many kids and we're going to live nearby and
30:57
Speaker 1: we're going to blah, blah, blah. And that's really lovely.
31:00
Speaker 1: But that is none of your business. That little movie
31:02
Speaker 1: that they've made in their head is good if they
31:05
Speaker 1: want to use it for their own pleasure and entertainment,
31:08
Speaker 1: but it is not your business. So you are still
31:11
Speaker 1: entitled to go and own and live your own life. Now,
31:15
Speaker 1: if those things align with what your parents want, then
31:18
Speaker 1: everybody is happy. Everybody, yeah, fucking great. But if it
31:22
Speaker 1: doesn't align, then it requires your parents having to have
31:26
Speaker 1: a certain level of disappointment. But a lot of the time,
31:29
Speaker 1: what they deem as disappointment in you is just disappointment
31:33
Speaker 1: in the situation. They even themselves might feel like they're
31:37
Speaker 1: disappointed in you, but you yourself haven't disappointed them. They've
31:40
Speaker 1: disappointed themselves. They created a narrative that they had no
31:45
Speaker 1: control over. And therefore, that narrative didn't play out that
31:47
Speaker 1: way because they had zero control over it. And then
31:50
Speaker 1: they disappointed themselves. But a lot of parents will push
31:53
Speaker 1: that onto their child being like, you're a disappointment. It's like, no, mate,
31:57
Speaker 1: you disappointed yourself. You chose to create all these things. Now,
32:01
Speaker 1: there's a difference between having unrealistic expectations on your child
32:06
Speaker 1: and and healthy expectations. Like for example, I have expectations
32:09
Speaker 1: for my children. I don't want them to live a
32:11
Speaker 1: life where I have no expectations. I expect them to
32:14
Speaker 1: be respectful, to be kind people, to help other people
32:17
Speaker 1: around them. I expect them to be kind to each
32:20
Speaker 1: other growing up. I expect them to learn how to
32:23
Speaker 1: be self-sufficient and independent adults. I have expectations. I expect
32:27
Speaker 1: them to value education and knowledge acquisition. There's things that
32:31
Speaker 1: I'm going to have in their life to help them
32:33
Speaker 1: be stronger, better people. But I'm not going to say,
32:36
Speaker 1: I expect you to be a straight fucking male who's
32:41
Speaker 1: an engineer, who fucking, like, I'm not going to do that, right?
32:45
Speaker 1: I'm not going to have these expectations that ultimately have
32:47
Speaker 1: nothing to do with how I've raised them as people.
32:50
Speaker 1: So I think healthy expectation as far as building good,
32:53
Speaker 1: strong character that helps them be more resilient is a
32:56
Speaker 1: good thing. But when you get into the details, and
32:58
Speaker 1: this is where a lot of parents and children kind
33:00
Speaker 1: of clash. MUSIC Another thing that you're going to realise
33:11
Speaker 1: is if you did meet your parents' expectations and you
33:14
Speaker 1: lived and you took that job and you did whatever
33:16
Speaker 1: for them, you are only making them happy at best
33:23
Speaker 1: and you are miserable. And then what happens is the
33:27
Speaker 1: pattern then repeats itself. You think, well, I did what
33:30
Speaker 1: was expected of me, so I'm going to expect the
33:33
Speaker 1: same of my children and then this kind of cycle
33:35
Speaker 1: then continues. When the flip side of that is, There's
33:39
Speaker 1: a temporary disappointment in the parents. And if you do
33:43
Speaker 1: have a good relationship, they will get over it and
33:45
Speaker 1: they will adapt and they will move on and then
33:47
Speaker 1: they'll accept your choices. And that temporary pain is what
33:53
Speaker 1: a lot of people avoid, that temporary pain of that,
33:55
Speaker 1: I've let them down, I've disappointed them. They'll swap out
33:58
Speaker 1: that and instead experience long-term pain, long-term dissatisfaction with their life,
34:04
Speaker 1: long-term dissatisfaction with their partner, where they live, there's that.
34:07
Speaker 1: because they never lived a life that they wanted to live.
34:11
Speaker 1: When we're talking about fear, good fear versus bad, the
34:14
Speaker 1: good fear here is this fear is telling me that
34:18
Speaker 1: in order to live the life I want, I have
34:20
Speaker 1: to face up to my parents. I have to do this,
34:22
Speaker 1: whether they understand me or not. I will hope that
34:26
Speaker 1: they understand me and I'll try and explain myself, but
34:28
Speaker 1: I'm not going to over-explain myself and I'm not going
34:30
Speaker 1: to not do it until they understand. That's another thing
34:33
Speaker 1: that people think. They think, oh, well, they just don't
34:36
Speaker 1: get it yet, so I can't. They haven't come to
34:37
Speaker 1: terms with it, so I can't. No, no, no. If
34:40
Speaker 1: you've tried to explain yourself, if you've done the best
34:44
Speaker 1: you can to keep this relationship healthy, and they're refusing
34:47
Speaker 1: to see it from your point of view, then you've
34:49
Speaker 1: done what you can do. I also think that in
34:52
Speaker 1: a healthy relationship, I do think it's healthy to offer
34:55
Speaker 1: an explanation whenever feasible. You know, when people say, no
34:59
Speaker 1: is a full sentence and you don't have to explain yourself. Yeah,
35:02
Speaker 1: that's true. That's very true. And you can use that
35:05
Speaker 1: and apply that whenever necessary. But I also think that
35:07
Speaker 1: when it comes to, for example, if my friend says,
35:09
Speaker 1: do you want to come over for dinner? I could
35:11
Speaker 1: be like, boundaries, no. Or I could be like, babe,
35:14
Speaker 1: I'm so sorry. I actually would love to, but, and
35:16
Speaker 1: then give an actual explanation. It depends how much you,
35:20
Speaker 1: you know, Depends the kind of friend or child or
35:23
Speaker 1: whatever you want. So I think that there are many times, yes,
35:26
Speaker 1: there are times where you don't need to explain yourself,
35:28
Speaker 1: but there are many times where I think it's nice
35:30
Speaker 1: to try and explain yourself, to try and get that bond,
35:34
Speaker 1: like to try and get that closeness. But you don't
35:36
Speaker 1: always have to then re-explain and re-explain and re-explain until
35:39
Speaker 1: they get it. Them understanding you is not a prerequisite
35:43
Speaker 1: for you to be able to then go ahead and
35:44
Speaker 1: move on with your life. You can just explain it.
35:47
Speaker 1: If they don't get it, that's fine. It's like those
35:49
Speaker 1: parents that are like, I just don't understand. What, like,
35:52
Speaker 1: I don't understand what gay is. How can you be gay? Well,
35:55
Speaker 1: too bad, cunt. I've told you. If you choose not
35:58
Speaker 1: to get on board, then that's your fucking journey that
36:01
Speaker 1: you've got to go on and you're way slower than
36:03
Speaker 1: me on that journey and I'm not going to be
36:04
Speaker 1: held behind. I'm not going to hold your hand through
36:06
Speaker 1: this journey. I've told you what it is. I've told
36:09
Speaker 1: you what I'm doing with my life. And if you
36:11
Speaker 1: still can't comprehend it, Google it, cunt. I mean, don't
36:15
Speaker 1: say cunt to your parents. I mean, you can, but
36:17
Speaker 1: that's kind of the gist of it. Now let's talk
36:21
Speaker 1: about being your true self and this fear of being
36:26
Speaker 1: judged or rejected. Okay. So often we get so caught
36:33
Speaker 1: up in our minds, so caught up in our minds
36:36
Speaker 1: about how other people see us and what that means
36:40
Speaker 1: when we want to make a change. Now there's two
36:43
Speaker 1: kind of changes that you're going to have in your life.
36:46
Speaker 1: Let's say you want a full identity change. Let's say
36:49
Speaker 1: I want to change all these aspects about me. I
36:51
Speaker 1: want to change, you know, I want to become a
36:54
Speaker 1: morning person or I want to become someone who's really
36:56
Speaker 1: academic and I've never been that, or I want to like,
36:58
Speaker 1: or the opposite of that or whatever. Let's say it's
37:00
Speaker 1: like a full 180 that you want to do in
37:02
Speaker 1: your life. And you want to create this change based
37:04
Speaker 1: on your behavior because it's behavior first, then the change comes.
37:07
Speaker 1: There's two changes that occur. There's the change in you
37:11
Speaker 1: which is in your behaviors, your actions until you can
37:13
Speaker 1: finally say, I've now become this new version of myself
37:17
Speaker 1: in the sense of like these behaviors are now a
37:19
Speaker 1: part of me. And then there's the change of the
37:23
Speaker 1: people that know you and how they perceive you. That
37:26
Speaker 1: second change is not within your control. You can't determine
37:30
Speaker 1: how long it takes for them to come around. There's
37:33
Speaker 1: going to be times where people are like, you've changed. Oh, oh,
37:37
Speaker 1: it's the new you. Oh, fucking, and they might be
37:39
Speaker 1: smart about it. They may be like, oh, how many
37:40
Speaker 1: times are you going to change? Is this the third
37:42
Speaker 1: time you've tried this? They might be encouraging. They might
37:46
Speaker 1: talk behind your back. They might, but irrelevant. The point is,
37:50
Speaker 1: if you committed to the change and you did change,
37:53
Speaker 1: in a very short amount of time, shorter than you realise,
37:57
Speaker 1: these people will get over it and they'll move on
38:00
Speaker 1: to the next thing. They'll get over it. It's great
38:04
Speaker 1: content to talk about. It's gossip. It's whatever. It's I'm
38:07
Speaker 1: going to laugh at you. It's that cringe that you
38:09
Speaker 1: have to go through, whatever. And they will talk. They
38:12
Speaker 1: will talk. But then they get over it. So your
38:16
Speaker 1: thing is I might as well rip the Band-Aid off.
38:20
Speaker 1: Instead of easing people into it, why waste my time?
38:24
Speaker 1: Because now I've eased them into this one change that
38:26
Speaker 1: I've done. Now I'm trying to ease them into the
38:28
Speaker 1: second change. And you get anxiety each time. If I
38:31
Speaker 1: want to make changes in my life, I might as
38:32
Speaker 1: well do it at the pace that I want to
38:34
Speaker 1: do it. And if I want to do it quickly,
38:35
Speaker 1: why not rip the bandaid off and make all the
38:37
Speaker 1: changes that I want to make and start behaving like
38:40
Speaker 1: the person that I want to start behaving? Because they're
38:43
Speaker 1: going to talk about it regardless. And in order for
38:46
Speaker 1: them to have that second identity change where it's how
38:49
Speaker 1: other people perceive us, which I can't control anyway, I
38:52
Speaker 1: might as well do it at the pace that I
38:55
Speaker 1: want to do it at. I might as well do
38:57
Speaker 1: it all in one go. Why ease them into it?
39:00
Speaker 1: it ultimately has to do with your experience and how
39:03
Speaker 1: you want to change. We think that people are going
39:05
Speaker 1: to reject us when we don't, when we start expressing
39:09
Speaker 1: our truest self. But if we are not being who
39:12
Speaker 1: we are, if you are not being your true, the
39:14
Speaker 1: true version of who you are, and the only reason
39:17
Speaker 1: someone is accepting you is because you're pretending to be
39:21
Speaker 1: something that you're not, then you're not accepted. You haven't
39:24
Speaker 1: really been accepted. And that's probably why you have insecurities
39:28
Speaker 1: because deep down you're like, well, the only reason they
39:30
Speaker 1: people like me is because I'm pretending to be someone
39:31
Speaker 1: that I'm not and this and that. You're wasting your time.
39:35
Speaker 1: You're better off having this particular group of people decide
39:39
Speaker 1: if they want to accept the new version of you
39:41
Speaker 1: and how you want to live your life and how
39:43
Speaker 1: you want to be and whatever. Or They don't accept you.
39:47
Speaker 1: And then you be who you really are and you
39:49
Speaker 1: find your people. But you sitting there lying to yourself saying, oh,
39:54
Speaker 1: they're not going to accept you if I really are.
39:55
Speaker 1: They already don't then. If you have to pretend to
39:58
Speaker 1: be someone that you're not, you're not really putting out
40:01
Speaker 1: who you are and you are wasting your time in
40:03
Speaker 1: the process. So that's something that you've got to come
40:06
Speaker 1: to terms with as soon as possible because then you
40:09
Speaker 1: will realize, again, it's that fear. I don't want to
40:12
Speaker 1: waste time. This is a healthy fear. What's the good
40:14
Speaker 1: fear here? I don't want to waste my time. It's
40:17
Speaker 1: time I'll never get back. Like I've spoken to people
40:21
Speaker 1: that came out and it's not this whole thing isn't
40:24
Speaker 1: necessarily about coming out or whatever but as an example
40:28
Speaker 1: and a lot of them had said, you know, now
40:30
Speaker 1: that I've fully come out and now that everyone's accepted
40:32
Speaker 1: me for who I am and my personality is like
40:35
Speaker 1: even that's changed how I carry myself, my style, everything's changed.
40:40
Speaker 1: I then think of all the years that I suffered
40:42
Speaker 1: because and how I felt so held back. Now I'm
40:45
Speaker 1: not saying, oh, fucking just fucking come out, whatever. You
40:48
Speaker 1: have to come out in your own time. But it's
40:50
Speaker 1: really sad that these people had to suffer for so
40:52
Speaker 1: long before they were able to do it because they're like,
40:54
Speaker 1: I just won't be accepted. And it's this fear that
40:56
Speaker 1: people carry. And obviously that's something that you have to
40:59
Speaker 1: like work through and come to terms with. But it
41:04
Speaker 1: requires your attention. It requires addressing. It requires thinking about
41:08
Speaker 1: why and what do you have to lose, but what
41:10
Speaker 1: do you have to gain? Okay. Okay. And this also
41:13
Speaker 1: goes for smaller things. Say you want to start your
41:15
Speaker 1: own fucking thing on social media and you're so scared
41:17
Speaker 1: to be judged. They're going to talk about, you know,
41:19
Speaker 1: people say no one's talking about you behind your back
41:22
Speaker 1: because they're thinking, yes, they are. Don't kid yourself. They are.
41:26
Speaker 1: But it's just not as important as you think it is.
41:29
Speaker 1: When someone talks about you behind your back, it could A,
41:32
Speaker 1: be someone that actually doesn't like you and then does
41:33
Speaker 1: it really matter? Because you're not even friends, so who cares?
41:36
Speaker 1: If the people that don't like you talk behind your back, well,
41:38
Speaker 1: that's a given. So that doesn't matter. Then you've got
41:40
Speaker 1: people that actually like you and talk behind your back.
41:43
Speaker 1: Sometimes people talk behind your back and it's not even
41:45
Speaker 1: out of malice. They're like, oh, shame, that fucking video
41:48
Speaker 1: that they posted, it's whatever. But they still like you, okay?
41:50
Speaker 1: They're laughing at you, whatever. You can live with that.
41:53
Speaker 1: You can actually live with that. If you just prepare
41:56
Speaker 1: being like, this is, probably what's going to happen. And
41:59
Speaker 1: I'm prepared for that. And if that's the worst case scenario,
42:02
Speaker 1: I think I can live with that. And then I'll
42:04
Speaker 1: push through. But if you say to yourself, no, no
42:07
Speaker 1: one's going to, no, it's okay. No one's thinking about me.
42:09
Speaker 1: They're thinking about their own. You know, you fucking know
42:12
Speaker 1: people talk behind your back because you talk behind other
42:14
Speaker 1: people's back. You probably talk behind people's back, people that
42:17
Speaker 1: you like. It's just in our nature. It's not the
42:19
Speaker 1: end of the world. So you've got to acknowledge it
42:21
Speaker 1: for what it is. Understand that people talk shit. It's
42:23
Speaker 1: part of the human experience. Move on. Still do what
42:26
Speaker 1: you need to do. Put yourself out there. Have the
42:28
Speaker 1: cringe moment. Everyone laughs at you. So be it. And
42:31
Speaker 1: then before you know it, people are talking about other shit.
42:34
Speaker 1: They're talking behind someone else's back or they're talking, whatever. Okay.
42:38
Speaker 1: It's really not that bad. Once you come to terms
42:40
Speaker 1: with the inevitable, then you are able to process it
42:44
Speaker 1: and then you can take action and go ahead. Just
42:46
Speaker 1: don't kid yourself and don't be deluded. Then lastly, the
42:52
Speaker 1: last fear that we're going to talk about is making
42:55
Speaker 1: the wrong choice and not being able to go back.
42:57
Speaker 1: This is, I feel like I might've once done an
43:00
Speaker 1: episode on this back in the day, but if I haven't,
43:02
Speaker 1: this needs to be done. It's the fear of the
43:04
Speaker 1: irreversible decision. And I'm going to tell you a great
43:08
Speaker 1: study about this irreversible decision. There were people that were
43:12
Speaker 1: made to choose, like it was like a print, a
43:14
Speaker 1: photographic print out of maybe like six. And they were able,
43:18
Speaker 1: there was two groups. One was like, you choose your print.
43:22
Speaker 1: And then once you've chosen that print, That's it. You
43:25
Speaker 1: can't change your mind. So they went, they chose the print,
43:27
Speaker 1: they took it away. That's it. Then the second group
43:30
Speaker 1: is like, you choose your print, but then you can
43:32
Speaker 1: change your mind in like two or three days. And
43:34
Speaker 1: in that group, a few of them came back and
43:36
Speaker 1: they looked at the, and then some of them changed
43:38
Speaker 1: their mind. Oh, actually I want that print now. I think, yep. Okay. Well,
43:42
Speaker 1: cause they knew that the decision was reversible. So they're like,
43:44
Speaker 1: I actually changed my mind. I'm not going to do that.
43:46
Speaker 1: I'll pick the other print, whatever. After a period of time,
43:50
Speaker 1: I want to say maybe it was one or two weeks.
43:53
Speaker 1: they polled the two different groups on their level of satisfaction.
43:57
Speaker 1: The ones that made the irreversible decision were all of
44:00
Speaker 1: them way more satisfied with their decision. They're like, I
44:02
Speaker 1: love the print. I fucking love it because they got
44:04
Speaker 1: it and they committed. They stopped thinking about the options.
44:07
Speaker 1: They weren't like, oh, but maybe this and that. They
44:11
Speaker 1: were like, bang, I've committed. I fucking love it. I'm thrilled.
44:13
Speaker 1: I've got it in my home. Yes, yes, yes, I
44:15
Speaker 1: love it. The other people took it, but they're like, hmm.
44:19
Speaker 1: And then they're thinking about the other five prints and
44:21
Speaker 1: they're like, Yeah, I might be able to swap it
44:23
Speaker 1: for that one. Did I like that one better? So
44:24
Speaker 1: instead of in the days that they had the first selection,
44:27
Speaker 1: they're not relishing it. They're not like, this is so
44:29
Speaker 1: cool and I love it. This is amazing. Look at
44:31
Speaker 1: this detail and this, and I love it. I'm going
44:32
Speaker 1: to sit in my wall. They're thinking about all the
44:35
Speaker 1: other good things about the other prints. So when you
44:37
Speaker 1: can make your decision reversible, people think they'll be happier.
44:41
Speaker 1: But in the end, they're more confused. Now, this doesn't
44:44
Speaker 1: apply to every single thing in your life. And you
44:46
Speaker 1: obviously have to make informed decisions. Sometimes it's not as
44:49
Speaker 1: quick as picking something once. But once you have the
44:52
Speaker 1: data that you need, the information that you need, so
44:55
Speaker 1: in this scenario, they were able to choose it relatively quickly.
44:57
Speaker 1: But say it's like a job or say it's dating.
45:01
Speaker 1: Sometimes we have enough information, but we still want to
45:04
Speaker 1: make the decision reversible. We still think that the only
45:07
Speaker 1: way that we can be happy is by making the
45:09
Speaker 1: decision reversible. But that is not true. Committing to something
45:14
Speaker 1: makes you dive deeper and give it your all. When
45:16
Speaker 1: you lean in you are more likely to experience the
45:20
Speaker 1: full benefit of it. Same goes with dating. If I'm
45:23
Speaker 1: dating someone and they're quite entertaining, but in the back
45:25
Speaker 1: of my mind, I'm like, but there's all these other
45:28
Speaker 1: people that I'm texting and there's this and there's that
45:30
Speaker 1: and there's the app and I'm getting so much attention
45:33
Speaker 1: on the app and I really enjoy the attention, then
45:35
Speaker 1: I'm not fully committed. I'm not really giving that person
45:39
Speaker 1: my all in which then would likely make them give
45:42
Speaker 1: me their all and then it would be this really
45:44
Speaker 1: nice interaction where we're so into it. You kind of
45:47
Speaker 1: give half of yourself and then you might get half
45:50
Speaker 1: back and then you're like, ah, it's falling flat. And
45:54
Speaker 1: the problem is that it's reciprocal as well. So it's
45:56
Speaker 1: like not always all in your control. It happens both ways.
45:59
Speaker 1: So then we always make these decisions reversible. Well, I
46:02
Speaker 1: go back to the drawing board on this or that.
46:04
Speaker 1: We have a situation that lasts forever instead of thinking, no,
46:07
Speaker 1: I'm actually looking for a relationship. So this is not
46:08
Speaker 1: going to serve me because I want to date to date,
46:11
Speaker 1: not to just fuck around. The same goes with a job.
46:14
Speaker 1: The same goes with moving cities or moving here. We
46:17
Speaker 1: think that if a decision is irreversible, it's too big
46:21
Speaker 1: a decision and then we hold ourselves back from making
46:23
Speaker 1: that decision. But this is what's gonna happen when you
46:25
Speaker 1: make an irreversible decision. Number one, the likelihood of you
46:28
Speaker 1: being happier goes up because you commit. Number two, you're
46:32
Speaker 1: more likely to go all in You put more energy,
46:37
Speaker 1: more effort, and you're more optimistic about it because you're
46:40
Speaker 1: not thinking about maybe I should have. You're thinking, well,
46:42
Speaker 1: we're here now. This is it. Let's milk it for
46:45
Speaker 1: what it's worth. This is everything. So because of that,
46:47
Speaker 1: you're more likely to enjoy that experience or you're more
46:50
Speaker 1: likely to find success in that thing because you are committed.
46:54
Speaker 1: And then the other benefit is that if it doesn't
46:57
Speaker 1: work out, you have learnt, you have gone far enough
47:01
Speaker 1: in committing to that thing that you've gained perspective, you've
47:04
Speaker 1: gained knowledge, you've likely gained relationships along the way. So
47:07
Speaker 1: let's say, for example, here's an example. Let's say you've
47:10
Speaker 1: got a job and it's like, yeah, it's okay. And
47:12
Speaker 1: then a really good job opportunity comes up at another
47:15
Speaker 1: place and you're like, I'm fucking going for it. And
47:17
Speaker 1: you end up going for it, you quit the safe
47:19
Speaker 1: job that you had, you go for this job and
47:20
Speaker 1: then you realise... I don't think this is what I
47:23
Speaker 1: wanted and I've gone all in. So you give it
47:26
Speaker 1: your all and you meet people and you network and
47:28
Speaker 1: this and you give it six months and you give
47:30
Speaker 1: it everything because you can't reverse it. They've rehired at
47:33
Speaker 1: the other job. And then after six months, you still
47:35
Speaker 1: think it's just not for me. When you leave that job,
47:38
Speaker 1: you've got more experience, you've networked, you've made new friends.
47:41
Speaker 1: You've probably outgrown the old job too. If you really
47:44
Speaker 1: think about it, you've probably outgrown it. So now you're like, well,
47:48
Speaker 1: This probably wasn't the best decision in the world, but
47:49
Speaker 1: now I'm probably more equipped for a different role altogether.
47:52
Speaker 1: Maybe it's opened a door for another role altogether and
47:56
Speaker 1: you've won out in the end. It took a longer
47:59
Speaker 1: path to get there, but you've won out. So the
48:02
Speaker 1: concept of the irreversible decision is oftentimes a good thing.
48:06
Speaker 1: So It's not something to fear away from. Irreversible decisions
48:11
Speaker 1: make you give it your all. It makes you dive in.
48:15
Speaker 1: You don't want one foot here, one foot there. I
48:18
Speaker 1: don't know, I don't know, I don't know. Indecisiveness is
48:21
Speaker 1: the biggest kind of block in your road to enjoying something.
48:26
Speaker 1: It's like when you look at a menu and there's
48:27
Speaker 1: way too many things on the menu and you can't decide.
48:29
Speaker 1: This is the problem when we turn on Netflix and
48:30
Speaker 1: there's way too many options and then everything's like meh.
48:34
Speaker 1: Whereas free-to-air TV, go to a hotel and they don't
48:36
Speaker 1: have fucking Netflix and you've got free-to-air TV, watch yourself
48:39
Speaker 1: get enthralled about a documentary about some bridge that was
48:42
Speaker 1: built in fucking Japan, right? You'll be like, oh my God,
48:46
Speaker 1: this is amazing, right? Because you've got no fucking other
48:49
Speaker 1: options and you're into it. So that, in my opinion,
48:54
Speaker 1: is what you need to do. Make more irreversible decisions
48:57
Speaker 1: on purpose. Buy that fucking flight and make that ticket non-refundable.
49:01
Speaker 1: Go and, you know... I mean, within reason, without being
49:04
Speaker 1: a psychopath, quit that job and go for that thing
49:07
Speaker 1: that you wanted to do. Go and get that lease
49:10
Speaker 1: and put the deposit money on it. There's certain things
49:14
Speaker 1: that will make us, that's why, you know for example,
49:16
Speaker 1: I'm going on a tangent here, but before we wrap
49:18
Speaker 1: up this episode up, You know, when you really want
49:21
Speaker 1: something done, sometimes you just have to have the first
49:23
Speaker 1: step done and then you're more likely to follow through.
49:25
Speaker 1: So for example, when I went to Europe months prior,
49:29
Speaker 1: I just booked the flight. If I ummed and ahed
49:31
Speaker 1: and spoke to people and I said, you know what,
49:33
Speaker 1: I'm thinking about going to Paris and I'm thinking about this.
49:35
Speaker 1: People would have talked me out of it, but you
49:37
Speaker 1: got this and this and this and this. But because
49:39
Speaker 1: I'd already booked the flight, even when I spoke about it,
49:41
Speaker 1: I'm like, there's no way I'm getting talked out of it.
49:43
Speaker 1: And then Everything started falling into place. I was able
49:46
Speaker 1: to get this, get that apartment there, quit my job,
49:49
Speaker 1: save some money, well, save some money, then quit my job.
49:52
Speaker 1: All of these things eventually fell into place, but I
49:54
Speaker 1: had that one anchor that was the irreversible thing, and
49:56
Speaker 1: it was the flights that I had paid for that
49:58
Speaker 1: I couldn't get a refund on because it was the
49:59
Speaker 1: cheapest version of that flight, right? So do things like that.
50:04
Speaker 1: Put the deposit down. Book that ticket. Buy that thing.
50:07
Speaker 1: You know, end your lease or start... Those irreversible things
50:12
Speaker 1: act as a strong anchor to make you take action.
50:16
Speaker 1: And when you are taking action, you're way less scared
50:20
Speaker 1: because you're doing. When you're sitting on the couch thinking
50:23
Speaker 1: of every worst case scenario under the sun, you are
50:26
Speaker 1: scared because your imagination is very creative. But once you're
50:31
Speaker 1: doing it, you're way less scared because you don't have
50:33
Speaker 1: time for that shit. You don't have time to sit
50:35
Speaker 1: and dwell. You're taking action. You're moving mountains. You're making
50:39
Speaker 1: things happen. And so then not only you're not scared
50:41
Speaker 1: because you're not wasting your time spiraling, but you're also
50:44
Speaker 1: realizing that it's actually not that bad. And even if
50:47
Speaker 1: it didn't work out, there's this other opportunity here. There's
50:49
Speaker 1: one right here. I can talk to this person. This
50:51
Speaker 1: person can help me here. If I don't like this city,
50:53
Speaker 1: maybe I'll just fly to another one and maybe I'll
50:55
Speaker 1: try this. There's always a diversion. There's always another path
51:00
Speaker 1: you can take. Once you've made that irreversible decision, you
51:02
Speaker 1: can always pivot and go somewhere else and somewhere else
51:04
Speaker 1: and somewhere else and somewhere else. Just because you can't
51:07
Speaker 1: go back It doesn't mean you can't keep going forward
51:09
Speaker 1: in other directions. Just because you can't get that exact
51:13
Speaker 1: place that you had or the exact job you had,
51:15
Speaker 1: it doesn't mean that there still aren't thousands of options
51:18
Speaker 1: for you. So when it comes to the irreversible decision,
51:21
Speaker 1: I would actually welcome more of them in my life
51:25
Speaker 1: on purpose to make me more comfortable making them. Guys,
51:28
Speaker 1: that is the episode of today. Thank you so much
51:31
Speaker 1: for listening. Hopefully that gave you some food for thought
51:33
Speaker 1: on a particular decision that you're working through, whether it's
51:36
Speaker 1: the irreversible decision whether it's got to do with, you know,
51:39
Speaker 1: fear of being alone or whatever. Yeah, hopefully it helped. Anyway,
51:43
Speaker 1: that is all for today's episode. Thank you so much.
51:45
Speaker 1: As always, remember, be kind to yourself, be kind to
51:46
Speaker 1: your brain. Don't take shit from anyone and especially don't
51:49
Speaker 1: take shit from yourself. Danke.