Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #330 Maintaining Influence With Your Kids

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#330 Maintaining Influence With Your Kids · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

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  Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast. It's the podcast for the
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  Speaker 1: time poor parent who just wants answers.
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  Speaker 2: Now, it's connection and understanding. Our kids want to be understood,
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  Speaker 2: but we can't understand that if we're not connecting with them.
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  Speaker 1: And now here's the stars of our show, my mum
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  Speaker 1: and dad.
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  Speaker 3: Good. It's Justin Colson, the author of six books about
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  Speaker 3: raising happy families, doctor of psychology, founder of Happy Families
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  Speaker 3: dot com dot you all that stuff here with Kylie
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  Speaker 3: mum to our six daughters.
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  Speaker 2: And you know, you don't have to speak on one
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  Speaker 2: point five speed. People can just push the button right.
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  Speaker 3: Oh, I'm talking too fast, so she took so much.
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  Speaker 3: Let me slow things down. I feel like I feel
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  Speaker 3: like I'm a little tense at the moment. I feel
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  Speaker 3: like there's just this energy around life with people being
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  Speaker 3: in lockdown and being frustrated. I feel like there's this
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  Speaker 3: low lying anxiety and frustration that's going on. And everyone
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  Speaker 3: wants to get vaccinated, and we've got government leaders saying
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  Speaker 3: hurry up and get vaccinated, but then you try to
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  Speaker 3: get vaccinated and you can't get vaccinated, and there's just
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  Speaker 3: this tension, simmering tension around what this pandemic has done.
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  Speaker 3: I kind of feel like at the start it was like, okay, pandemic,
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  Speaker 3: we'll get through this. But now we're eighteen months into
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  Speaker 3: it and it's really starting to impact people's well being.
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  Speaker 3: It's challenging. So I've slowed down just for you.
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  Speaker 2: Thank you.
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  Speaker 3: I'm so glad that you're talking to me. We've had
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  Speaker 3: a rough morning, so we record the podcast the day
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  Speaker 3: before at lands because obviously it lands in your feet
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  Speaker 3: at like five in the morning. We're not getting up
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  Speaker 3: at four thirty so that you can get the podcast.
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  Speaker 3: So it's Wednesday, the eleventh of August. We're recording for Thursday,
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  Speaker 3: the twelfth of August. And Kylie, this morning, well, it's
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  Speaker 3: been a rough morning. Let's talk about the conversation that
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  Speaker 3: happened at breakfast this morning because it's highly relevant to
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  Speaker 3: the pandemic.
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  Speaker 2: It's amazing about this this You and I have been
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  Speaker 2: planning to have this conversation for the last week and unscripted,
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  Speaker 2: not no prompting whatsoever.
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  Speaker 3: The kids brought it up.
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  Speaker 2: Our eleven year olds sitting at the breakfast table this morning, says,
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  Speaker 2: yesterday at school, we were watching.
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  Speaker 3: Behind the news. For those of you who are not
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  Speaker 3: familiar with BTN. It's an ABC program for kids to
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  Speaker 3: keep up on current events.
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  Speaker 2: And did you know that Olivia Rodrigo was found in
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  Speaker 2: the White House?
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  Speaker 3: And was found in the White House. She's stuck in,
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  Speaker 3: she was.
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  Speaker 2: He didn't give me a hard time for everything that
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  Speaker 2: comes out of mind.
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  Speaker 3: It's been a bad morning. I shouldn't have done that
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  Speaker 3: to you. I'm so sorry, Please forgive me.
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  Speaker 2: So she said that the news story that they were
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  Speaker 2: watching was all about Olivia Rodrigo, who received her first
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  Speaker 2: vaccination shot in the White House in Parliament, and it
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  Speaker 2: was newsworthy.
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  Speaker 3: For those of you who are not familiar with who
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  Speaker 3: Olivia Rodrigo is. Jr. Plays the song I Perfect. So
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  Speaker 3: Olivia Rodrigo is probably the world's number one pop act
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  Speaker 3: right now. And if you're eleven, and if you're eleven, this.
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  Speaker 2: Is you know who she is?
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  Speaker 3: Yeah, And then that prompted this fascinating converse. We had
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  Speaker 3: our whole family sitting together for breakfast, and the girls
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  Speaker 3: were like, I can't believe that they're paying celebrities to
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  Speaker 3: get vaccinated. And I said, what's the issue that you've got?
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  Speaker 3: Is it vaccination or is it paying celebrities to influence,
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  Speaker 3: and all the kids said, no, no, no, we're all They
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  Speaker 3: understand that we're pro vaccination. We believe that it's important,
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  Speaker 3: it's going to save lives, so let's get vaccinated. But
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  Speaker 3: the idea that celebrities should be being paid to endorse
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  Speaker 3: a product, or.
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  Speaker 2: Whether they're paid or not, it was the comment that
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  Speaker 2: the kids made was, I can't believe that we've had
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  Speaker 2: to go this far, We've had to stupid this low,
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  Speaker 2: that we've got to get celebrities to convince us that
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  Speaker 2: this is a good thing. That was their point.
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  Speaker 3: So while this conversation was going on, one of our
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  Speaker 3: kids has got some concerns about vaccinations.
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  Speaker 2: She's now considered an essential worker and has to make
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  Speaker 2: a decision about whether or not she will be vaccinated.
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  Speaker 2: And she's had a couple of conversations with some friends
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  Speaker 2: who are very very wary about it and have very
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  Speaker 2: strong opinions against vaccinations, and brought out a whole heap.
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  Speaker 3: Of well, they brought out some bizarre stuff that was
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  Speaker 3: clearly not factual, Like there's a lot of stuff going around.
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  Speaker 3: I joke regularly that I've had my five G injection
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  Speaker 3: because I've been vaccinated twice now and I've got five
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  Speaker 3: g I've got excellent wireless receptivity everywhere I go. I
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  Speaker 3: thought that was really funny. No one ever laughs when
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  Speaker 3: I say that. But there was a news story with
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  Speaker 3: Arnold Schwarzenegger and I put on my very best Arnold voice.
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  Speaker 2: I think that of all the things that kids are
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  Speaker 2: going to remember from this morning's conversation, it's going to
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  Speaker 2: be how bad you're Arnold.
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  Speaker 4: I always say you should know your strengths and listen
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  Speaker 4: to the experts. If you want to learn about building biceps,
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  Speaker 4: listen to me, because I've spent my life studying how
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  Speaker 4: to get the perfect peak, and I have been called
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  Speaker 4: the greatest bodybuilder of all time.
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  Speaker 2: I wish he had a stop there being a politician
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  Speaker 2: and a movie star, and we're.
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  Speaker 3: Not with some of his strengths. Anyway, Arnold goes on
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  Speaker 3: about how we should listen to the experts, and if
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  Speaker 3: you have a heart attack, don't check your Facebook group,
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  Speaker 3: you call an ambulance. If nine doctors tell you have cancer,
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  Speaker 3: any treatment or you'll die, and one says the cancer
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  Speaker 3: will just appear, always side with the nine. And so
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  Speaker 3: we had this. Really it was a great quote. It was.
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  Speaker 3: It really was, and it was a really good conversation
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  Speaker 3: with the kids about this. And what I love is
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  Speaker 3: that as parents, we've got this opportunity to really listen
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  Speaker 3: to our children. When one of the kids said, I
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  Speaker 3: can't believe we've had to get celebrities to encourage people
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  Speaker 3: to get vaccines and go to the White House to
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  Speaker 3: get vaccinated. I so badly wanted to jump in and
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  Speaker 3: say all the stuff that I know and all the
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  Speaker 3: things that I believe, and instead I took a big,
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  Speaker 3: deep breath and I said, I'm really curious about why
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  Speaker 3: you feel like that. Okay, so this has been a
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  Speaker 3: really fun conversation, but what it actually does raise is
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  Speaker 3: a really important discussion for us to have about how
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  Speaker 3: we can influence our kids, not necessarily about vaccinations, not
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  Speaker 3: necessarily about anything political, but just how we can influence
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  Speaker 3: our kids, how we can work with them, and what
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  Speaker 3: it takes to make sure that our children are going
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  Speaker 3: to make safe, healthy decisions, especially as they get older,
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  Speaker 3: Like what age do we lose our ability to influence them.
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  Speaker 3: Let's talk about that.
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  Speaker 1: Next.
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  Speaker 3: It's the Happy Families.
• 5:58
  Speaker 5: Podcast Imagine Home, where discipline got results without anyone having
• 6:02
  Speaker 5: to feel bad or in trouble. The Do's and don'ts
• 6:05
  Speaker 5: of Discipline as a webinar to help parents set limits
• 6:07
  Speaker 5: with love, compassion, and humanity. Find it now at happyfamilies
• 6:11
  Speaker 5: dot com dot a slash shop.
• 6:14
  Speaker 2: It's the Happy Families podcast, the podcast for the time
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  Speaker 2: poor parent who just wants answers now and today we
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  Speaker 2: have been exploring a really interesting conversation we had around
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  Speaker 2: the breakfast table with our children around influence and our
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  Speaker 2: children are recognizing the power that media and pop stars
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  Speaker 2: have on them and.
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  Speaker 3: Also being critical about it and saying, should we be
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  Speaker 3: influenced by pop stars just because they're going and doing this?
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  Speaker 3: Does that mean we should do it too? Yeah?
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  Speaker 2: So this really cool conversation now that we get to
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  Speaker 2: have about how we as parents specifically can influence our
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  Speaker 2: children and how long can we sustain that influence before
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  Speaker 2: they revert to their own ways.
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  Speaker 3: So this got me thinking about influence generally. Let me
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  Speaker 3: pose a question to you, what age do you think
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  Speaker 3: we have to start working very hard to be able
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  Speaker 3: to genuinely influence our kids?
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  Speaker 2: Early teens?
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  Speaker 3: Really, I was going to say about eighteen months. Have
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  Speaker 3: you ever tried to influence a toddler. Seriously, it's hard
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  Speaker 3: to influence a toddler. And I think that the same
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  Speaker 3: principles apply for those early teenagers as they do for toddlers.
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  Speaker 3: So when you think back, now you don't know what
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  Speaker 3: I've got here in my notes, But when you think
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  Speaker 3: back to trying to influence any of our children at
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  Speaker 3: any age, what is at the very heart of influence?
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  Speaker 3: What does it take to get them to listen to
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  Speaker 3: you and be open to what you're suggesting.
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  Speaker 2: Well, it's connection and understanding. Yeah, our kids want to
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  Speaker 2: be understood, but we can't understand them if we're not
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  Speaker 2: connecting with them.
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  Speaker 3: So at the very heart of influence. So we can
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  Speaker 3: actually influence in two ways. The police can have a
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  Speaker 3: tremendous influence on us, and they do it by virtue
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  Speaker 3: of power. Right, They've got the authority to stop us,
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  Speaker 3: to find us, to hurt us, to make us price
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  Speaker 3: if we do something that they don't like. So, and
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  Speaker 3: I'm not saying that if any any police are listening,
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  Speaker 3: I'm not suggesting that there's any kind of bad actors
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  Speaker 3: going on with this. It's just it's a power play,
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  Speaker 3: and a lot of parents raise their kids with power
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  Speaker 3: as well, and politicians they use power all the time
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  Speaker 3: as well.
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  Speaker 2: So is that not what this conversation we've had with
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  Speaker 2: our kids this morning is about. It's power, Yeah, it's influence,
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  Speaker 2: yeah yeah, yes.
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  Speaker 3: So it's got government.
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  Speaker 2: And pop stars coming together.
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  Speaker 3: But what they can do. So what happens when they
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  Speaker 3: bring the pop star in is they say, we don't
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  Speaker 3: want to use harsh power. We don't want to say.
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  Speaker 3: If you don't do it, here's what's going to happen
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  Speaker 3: to you, and it's going to hurt. They're taking a
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  Speaker 3: different tach. They're saying, let's focus on relationship everybody. They
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  Speaker 3: don't just like Olivia Rodrigo, they love her. It's not
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  Speaker 3: just about liking. It's about trust, yes, trust. So let's
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  Speaker 3: really cut to the core of what this is about.
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  Speaker 3: If we want to influence our kids, we've got to
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  Speaker 3: have a connection with them. And that favorite definition of
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  Speaker 3: connection that we use from Brene Brown that is just
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  Speaker 3: so powerful.
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  Speaker 2: Seen, heard, and value. They want to feel seen, heard
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  Speaker 2: and valued.
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  Speaker 3: So if you want to influence your toddler, make sure
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  Speaker 3: that your toddler feels seen, heard and valued. And what
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  Speaker 3: that does is that it gets the relationship to a
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  Speaker 3: point where your toddler looks at you and says, since
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  Speaker 3: you can see me and hear me and value me,
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  Speaker 3: and I'm feeling that that means that I can trust you.
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  Speaker 2: But okay, so then how does that equate to a
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  Speaker 2: pop star because I don't know me, they can't see me,
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  Speaker 2: they can't hear me, they can't value me.
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  Speaker 3: No, but there's a sense of shared humanity. There's a
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  Speaker 3: sense of I look to this person as a role model,
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  Speaker 3: and because of their position in society, they occupy a
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  Speaker 3: position of trust. You always hear sports people and pop
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  Speaker 3: stars and people who have those positions say I'm not
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  Speaker 3: a role model. I'm just living my life. People should
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  Speaker 3: live theirs. But that's an abdication of responsibility. You can't
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  Speaker 3: be in that position and not influence others. It's simply
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  Speaker 3: not possible. And so Olivia Rodrigo, by virtue of her status,
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  Speaker 3: has influenced why because people feel connected to her through
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  Speaker 3: her music and through her videos, through her social media channels.
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  Speaker 3: They feel connected to her, which means that since they
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  Speaker 3: feel that connection, they feel like she gets them, like
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  Speaker 3: if you're a seventeen year old kid, And let's acknowledge
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  Speaker 3: as well. In the United States, vaccines have been approved
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  Speaker 3: for all kids twelve and up now, so they really
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  Speaker 3: want to push the vaccines into the younger demographic see
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  Speaker 3: gott I did they push the vaccines in? Yep?
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  Speaker 1: All right.
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  Speaker 3: So what happens is Olivia Rodrigo, they young kids, they
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  Speaker 3: look to her, they feel connected to her, therefore they
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  Speaker 3: trust her. Therefore they'll be influenced by her. And the
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  Speaker 3: same principles apply here in our family. If you want
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  Speaker 3: to influence your children, get the connection right, make sure
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  Speaker 3: the kids feel seen, hurt and valued.
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  Speaker 2: So our first take home is that connection is everything.
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  Speaker 3: Every time, every time I think that it will solve
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  Speaker 3: probably about eighty to ninety percent of all challenges that
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  Speaker 3: we face with our kids. The second thing is, when
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  Speaker 3: you get the connection right, you create trust. And my
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  Speaker 3: definition of trust is that we believe that the other
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  Speaker 3: person will act in our best interests Now, that makes sense, right,
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  Speaker 3: because if you're connected with someone and you feel seen,
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  Speaker 3: hurt and valued, of course you're going to believe that
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  Speaker 3: they're going to act in your best interest. Why because
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  Speaker 3: you feel seen, hurd and valued, so you can trust them.
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  Speaker 3: And when you trust them, you become open to their influence.
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  Speaker 2: Often parents will come and say, my relationship with my
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  Speaker 2: teenager is strained. We don't have any connection, there isn't
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  Speaker 2: any trust.
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  Speaker 3: And there's the zero influence as a result.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, So how do we get our teenagers to believe
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  Speaker 2: that we have their best interests at heart?
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  Speaker 3: That's the critical question and that goes back to well,
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  Speaker 3: that's the definition of trust, right, best interest at heart.
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  Speaker 3: And the way you do that is, you know the
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  Speaker 3: three e's of effective discipline that I talk about.
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  Speaker 2: Explore, explain, and empower.
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  Speaker 3: Yeah, so you explore their world. You literally put your
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  Speaker 3: agender asside and say, hey, tell me how it is
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  Speaker 3: for you. What's going on for you? Why I think
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  Speaker 3: so hard? Case in point eleven year old this morning
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  Speaker 3: upset missing our dog, and I just sat with her
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  Speaker 3: on the bed and said, what's really going on? Tell me,
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  Speaker 3: help me to understand. And as I did that, as
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  Speaker 3: I really explored, what it did was that we restored
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  Speaker 3: the connection that was missing this morning. She felt seen
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  Speaker 3: and heard and valued. And as I explored that with
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  Speaker 3: her and she opened up and told me, I was
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  Speaker 3: able to huger and say, all right, I get it. Now,
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  Speaker 3: let's explain what we've got to get through this morning,
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  Speaker 3: and then I empowered her. I said, so what do
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  Speaker 3: you think we should do? Now? How do we get
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  Speaker 3: things going? That's a really simple example. Sometimes it takes
• 12:40
  Speaker 3: longer than that, but I think that's kind of where
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  Speaker 3: we need to land. If you want to build trust,
• 12:45
  Speaker 3: you've got to explore their world. Let me use one
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  Speaker 3: other metaphor, and then we'll have to wrap up. I
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  Speaker 3: often look at our relationship as a bucket, and the
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  Speaker 3: quality of our connection is the water that goes in
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  Speaker 3: the bucket. So a bucket can hold two things. That
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  Speaker 3: can hold water and it can hold air. The water
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  Speaker 3: is the connection feeling seen, heard and valued. And the air, well,
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  Speaker 3: that's correction and direction. When there's correction and direction, there's
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  Speaker 3: no trust because people don't feel seen, heard and valued.
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  Speaker 3: There's no connection. They don't feel when you're constantly correcting
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  Speaker 3: and directing, people don't feel like you're going to act
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  Speaker 3: in their best interests. And so our job as parents
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  Speaker 3: is to put as much water in that relationship bucket
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  Speaker 3: as we can put as much connection in there. As
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  Speaker 3: we put that connection in, the kids feel seen, heard
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  Speaker 3: and valued. That builds trust, a belief that my parents
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  Speaker 3: are going to act in my best interests, which opens
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  Speaker 3: them up to our influence. And that is why what
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  Speaker 3: Olivia Rodrigo did in the White House, getting he vaccination
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  Speaker 3: and being on global news broadcasts, that's why it's influential
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  Speaker 3: because people trust Olivia Rodrigo, the kids, the people that
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  Speaker 3: they're aiming for, they trust her and they'll follow her.
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  Speaker 2: So if we were to break this down quickly for everybody, yep,
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  Speaker 2: we're talking about building and maintaining strong connections with our children,
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  Speaker 2: and in our efforts to do that, what we do
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  Speaker 2: is build relationships of trust right and as we do that,
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  Speaker 2: we're then able to allow our children the autonomy that
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  Speaker 2: they seek and want in their lives to make better
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  Speaker 2: decisions because they will allow us to be influential without
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  Speaker 2: us having to force our influence on them.
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  Speaker 3: Spot on, we don't need to control them. We get
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  Speaker 3: to empower them and say, hey, what do you think
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  Speaker 3: you should do now? Or where do we go from here?
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  Speaker 3: Or how do we make this work? And if they
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  Speaker 3: give us allows the option because they're open to our influence,
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  Speaker 3: because we've given our power away, they actually give us
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  Speaker 3: that power back and say, well, what do you think
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  Speaker 3: That's how we maintain influence not just with two year olds,
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  Speaker 3: but even with twenty two and maybe even with forty
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  Speaker 3: two year olds.
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  Speaker 2: Well, I've loved having this conversation, just that reminder that
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  Speaker 2: even when our kids are being challenging, that those bids
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  Speaker 2: for connection are actually where our real influence comes from.
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  Speaker 3: The Happy Families podcast is produced by Justin Roland Bridge Media.
• 15:00
  Speaker 3: Craig Bruce is our executive producer. This has been a
• 15:03
  Speaker 3: kind of a heavier topic than what we would normally
• 15:05
  Speaker 3: dive into, but we hope that it's been helpful. I
• 15:08
  Speaker 3: feel like we've shared a handful of real gems in
• 15:11
  Speaker 3: the things that we've shared today. If you've found the
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