Latest / Beautifully Complex / 343: It Isn’t Disrespect. It’s a Biological Response to Stress., with Penny Williams

Transcript

343: It Isn’t Disrespect. It’s a Biological Response to Stress., with Penny Williams · Beautifully Complex

• 0:01
  Speaker 1: We need to ask ourselves if we're going to treat
• 0:05
  Speaker 1: that behavior that feels like disrespect as actual disrespect is
• 0:09
  Speaker 1: something that should be punished or corrected at what cost?
• 0:15
  Speaker 1: Because they're already dysregulated, they're already having a hard time.
• 0:20
  Speaker 1: If we are going to push in those moments, we
• 0:24
  Speaker 1: are adding pressure to an already pretty heated up pressure cooker.
• 0:32
  Speaker 1: Welcome to Beautifully Complex, where we unpack what it really
• 0:35
  Speaker 1: means to parent neurodivergent kids with dignity and clarity. I'm
• 0:39
  Speaker 1: Penny Williams, and I know firsthand how tough and transformative
• 0:44
  Speaker 1: this journey can be. Let's dive in and discover how
• 0:47
  Speaker 1: to raise regulated, resilient, beautifully complex kids together. Oh and
• 0:52
  Speaker 1: if you want more support, join our free community at
• 0:56
  Speaker 1: hub dot beautifully complex dot life. Picture this with me.
• 1:04
  Speaker 1: Your twelve year old is yelling at you, cursing at you,
• 1:11
  Speaker 1: rolling their eyes at everything you say, snapping back, maybe refusing,
• 1:17
  Speaker 1: And this is a moment that we would label as disrespect.
• 1:22
  Speaker 1: Right every adult would call this disrespect. It stings, it's embarrassing,
• 1:30
  Speaker 1: and we fear that if we're going to allow this behavior,
• 1:34
  Speaker 1: what are we teaching our kids? What are we teaching
• 1:37
  Speaker 1: our students right, and yet is it really disrespect? I
• 1:42
  Speaker 1: want you to ask yourself in these types of moments,
• 1:46
  Speaker 1: is this actually disrespect? Or is it not a choice
• 1:51
  Speaker 1: at all? It's not a choice at all, folks, It
• 1:54
  Speaker 1: is not a choice. This is the body's biological stress response.
• 2:01
  Speaker 1: But our culture has wired us to see things like
• 2:06
  Speaker 1: this as disobedience, not being polite. Right, we want to
• 2:11
  Speaker 1: call good behavior obedient, compliant, polite, pleasant, a respectful tone.
• 2:18
  Speaker 1: They're making eye contact, right, we call this, and I'm
• 2:22
  Speaker 1: using air quotes, good behavior. And that is the way
• 2:26
  Speaker 1: we have been wired culturally, by our society, by our upbringing,
• 2:33
  Speaker 1: by the adults in our lives, to define these things.
• 2:38
  Speaker 1: So it can be really, really hard when your kid
• 2:42
  Speaker 1: is acting in a way that most people would label
• 2:47
  Speaker 1: as disrespect. Right, If you're in a public place, it
• 2:51
  Speaker 1: is super embarrassing. If you are around your parents or
• 2:56
  Speaker 1: other people in your family, they might feel like you're
• 2:59
  Speaker 1: a parent. They might tell you you need to use
• 3:02
  Speaker 1: more punishment, that your kid needs to be more obedient. Right.
• 3:07
  Speaker 1: And this is just a quiet pressure that continues to build.
• 3:14
  Speaker 1: And the more time and space we put between correcting
• 3:18
  Speaker 1: that behavior, the more pressure we're feeling as a parent
• 3:23
  Speaker 1: or as the adult in a kid's life. And of
• 3:26
  Speaker 1: course we want our kids to be respectful. I am
• 3:29
  Speaker 1: not saying that we need to overlook disrespect. I'm not
• 3:33
  Speaker 1: saying that at all. Of course we want our kids
• 3:37
  Speaker 1: to be respectful. But when we mislabel stress as disrespect, defiance, opposition,
• 3:47
  Speaker 1: then it costs us something. With so many of the families,
• 3:52
  Speaker 1: the parents that I coach, I ask them, Okay, this
• 3:56
  Speaker 1: is what you want, this is your expectation, but at
• 4:00
  Speaker 1: what cost. Sometimes the cost is worth the outcome. Sometimes
• 4:06
  Speaker 1: the juice is worth the squeeze, right, But many times
• 4:11
  Speaker 1: it is not worth the cost. So for example, a
• 4:15
  Speaker 1: kid who doesn't want to do homework, who you have
• 4:18
  Speaker 1: to threaten to do their homework a particular day, is
• 4:22
  Speaker 1: it worth the cost to keep pushing and pressuring them
• 4:26
  Speaker 1: until they do something that particular day, at that particular moment,
• 4:30
  Speaker 1: because the cost is going to be your relationship. The
• 4:33
  Speaker 1: cost is going to be their mental and emotional health.
• 4:37
  Speaker 1: So is it worth that cost? My answer for my
• 4:40
  Speaker 1: own parenting on those days was no, it is not
• 4:43
  Speaker 1: worth the cost. I would rather my kid get an
• 4:45
  Speaker 1: incomplete or a lower grade. Or a zero than to
• 4:49
  Speaker 1: ruin my relationship with him and to damage his mental
• 4:53
  Speaker 1: and emotional health. So we need to ask ourselves if
• 4:57
  Speaker 1: we're going to treat that behavior that feels like disrespect
• 5:02
  Speaker 1: as actual disrespect and something that should be punished or
• 5:06
  Speaker 1: corrected at what cost? Because they're already dysregulated, they're already
• 5:12
  Speaker 1: having a hard time. If we are going to push
• 5:16
  Speaker 1: in those moments, we are adding pressure to an already
• 5:22
  Speaker 1: pretty heated up pressure cooker. So it costs us something.
• 5:27
  Speaker 1: Is it worth that cost? Here's what's actually happening in
• 5:31
  Speaker 1: the body when you are receiving behavior that feels or
• 5:37
  Speaker 1: looks like disrespect, opposition, defiance, all of those things that
• 5:41
  Speaker 1: we tend to put into that bucket of what society
• 5:45
  Speaker 1: you would tell us is and I'm using your quotes
• 5:46
  Speaker 1: again here bad behavior. So Biologically, in the body, stress
• 5:54
  Speaker 1: is perceived as threat or danger, threat or danger. Our
• 6:00
  Speaker 1: autonomic nervous system, what I often refer to as our
• 6:03
  Speaker 1: personal bodyguard, perceives stress as threat and danger. Maybe not
• 6:11
  Speaker 1: physical threat, but it could be social, emotional, cognitive, right,
• 6:18
  Speaker 1: those psychological, those stresses, those dangers are all perceived as
• 6:24
  Speaker 1: threat in the body. And when the nervous system says threat,
• 6:30
  Speaker 1: threat sounds the alarm. It sends the body into action
• 6:34
  Speaker 1: again automatically, without any input or cognitive thinking or intention.
• 6:40
  Speaker 1: It goes into fight, flight or freeze, and then the
• 6:43
  Speaker 1: thinking brain dims. We either have a greatly reduced access
• 6:49
  Speaker 1: to that thinking brain or we have absolutely zero access
• 6:57
  Speaker 1: to that thinking brain. So we're going to have a
• 7:02
  Speaker 1: kid here in this scenario that feels very disrespectful. That
• 7:08
  Speaker 1: is really a survival response from their body, a one
• 7:15
  Speaker 1: hundred percent biological, unintentional automatic response to stress. So that
• 7:25
  Speaker 1: sharp tone, it means this stress, I cannot handle it.
• 7:30
  Speaker 1: I'm going to need to fight, and that internal system
• 7:36
  Speaker 1: of protection brings out the fight automatically. Stress can look
• 7:41
  Speaker 1: like eye rolling. Stress can look like yelling saying no.
• 7:47
  Speaker 1: It can also look like silence withdraw shut down. It
• 7:54
  Speaker 1: can look like compliance when it's actually a kid who
• 7:59
  Speaker 1: is so disregulated they are in full freeze mode. Now
• 8:05
  Speaker 1: you cannot regulate tone, manners, compliance, any of those things
• 8:10
  Speaker 1: from a disregulated nervous system. If your kid is disregulated,
• 8:16
  Speaker 1: you can't come in and say, oh, tone and have
• 8:20
  Speaker 1: it shift because it's coming from dysregulation and your correction
• 8:26
  Speaker 1: is actually going to intensify and escalate that dysregulation, not
• 8:30
  Speaker 1: cause regulation. It's not permissiveness. I can hear so many
• 8:52
  Speaker 1: parents and educators right now in my head, you're being permissive.
• 8:56
  Speaker 1: You're letting something go that shouldn't be let go. All
• 9:00
  Speaker 1: of that, right, But that's not what we're doing. We're
• 9:03
  Speaker 1: not being permissive. We are following the signals of the body.
• 9:07
  Speaker 1: We are following biology to take a beat and understand
• 9:14
  Speaker 1: that that is not the time that any teaching can
• 9:18
  Speaker 1: get through that this behavior that you're seeing that is
• 9:23
  Speaker 1: challenging and unwanted and doesn't feel good at all, right,
• 9:27
  Speaker 1: doesn't feel good at all. We are acknowledging that it's
• 9:32
  Speaker 1: not intentional, that the body is sending us a signal
• 9:35
  Speaker 1: right now to say that this kid doesn't feel safe,
• 9:38
  Speaker 1: and we have to take that signal, acknowledge that it's biology,
• 9:43
  Speaker 1: acknowledge that it isn't intentional, and move in a way
• 9:49
  Speaker 1: that's actually going to be helpful. Disrespect doesn't necessarily need correction.
• 9:58
  Speaker 1: It definitely doesn't need correction in the moment. What happens
• 10:02
  Speaker 1: when we do respond in that way. What happens if
• 10:06
  Speaker 1: we respond with correction, with lectures, with making it a
• 10:09
  Speaker 1: teachable moment, with consequences, punishment, power moves. What happens when
• 10:15
  Speaker 1: we do that with an already stressed nervous system, it
• 10:20
  Speaker 1: actually escalates that threat instead of resolving it. So your
• 10:26
  Speaker 1: kid is coming at you, yelling, using salty language, saying
• 10:31
  Speaker 1: awful things that are not okay. And when you come
• 10:35
  Speaker 1: back at that with correction, with lectures, with consequences, with
• 10:40
  Speaker 1: power moves, with punishment, you're actually escalating the sense of
• 10:45
  Speaker 1: threat in their body. You are not resolving it. So
• 10:48
  Speaker 1: you're not going to resolve that behavior that you're struggling
• 10:52
  Speaker 1: with in that moment. The unintended message that our kids
• 10:56
  Speaker 1: end up receiving is that their stress makes the unsafe
• 11:01
  Speaker 1: with you. Stress is making them unsafe with you. Now,
• 11:07
  Speaker 1: I'm pretty sure that I know enough about you, even
• 11:10
  Speaker 1: though I don't know you, to know that that is
• 11:12
  Speaker 1: not what you want. That is not what you want
• 11:15
  Speaker 1: for your kid, is not what you want for yourself.
• 11:17
  Speaker 1: Right that is heartbreaking. So we are not going to
• 11:22
  Speaker 1: blame ourselves. We're not going to shame ourselves. We are
• 11:26
  Speaker 1: doing the best we can with the knowledge that we
• 11:29
  Speaker 1: have in this moment. But now right here, you're listening
• 11:32
  Speaker 1: to this podcast and you are learning something new that
• 11:37
  Speaker 1: is going to help you to do better, is going
• 11:39
  Speaker 1: to help you to show up in the way that
• 11:40
  Speaker 1: your kid actually needs you to show up, the ways
• 11:44
  Speaker 1: that really you want to show up, because they're going
• 11:47
  Speaker 1: to be far more effective than those instinctual ways that
• 11:51
  Speaker 1: you might have learned in your own childhood and from
• 11:55
  Speaker 1: our society. So we need to shift from how do
• 11:59
  Speaker 1: I stop this? To what does this tell me? How
• 12:05
  Speaker 1: do I stop this? Behavior? Is what we want to
• 12:08
  Speaker 1: stop thinking, and we want to replace it with what
• 12:12
  Speaker 1: does this behavior actually tell me? What signal is it
• 12:17
  Speaker 1: sending me? Disrespect is a signal, their tone or volume
• 12:23
  Speaker 1: of voice is information, behavior is communication. Behavior is a signal.
• 12:32
  Speaker 1: So instead, here's what you can do. Your twelve year
• 12:35
  Speaker 1: old is screaming, it's going really poorly, You're not feeling
• 12:39
  Speaker 1: good about it. You want it to stop. I'm telling
• 12:43
  Speaker 1: you they want it to stop. Also, what can you
• 12:47
  Speaker 1: do in that moment? First start with slowing it down.
• 12:53
  Speaker 1: Slow down your body movements, slow down your language, soften
• 12:58
  Speaker 1: your tone of voice, volume. Those are signals to the
• 13:03
  Speaker 1: body of safety. So you're creating signals of safety for
• 13:08
  Speaker 1: your kid's nervous system that is in that danger mode, right,
• 13:13
  Speaker 1: So we're trying to help to restore that sense of
• 13:17
  Speaker 1: felt safety. We also want to lower demands in those
• 13:21
  Speaker 1: moments because they cannot manage the demand, They cannot process
• 13:25
  Speaker 1: the language. If their thinking brain is offline and they
• 13:28
  Speaker 1: cannot manage that demand, they're not going to be able
• 13:31
  Speaker 1: to meet that expectation in that moment. Again, we're not
• 13:35
  Speaker 1: saying that we are lowering demands forever. We are not
• 13:39
  Speaker 1: being permissive about behavior that is not acceptable. We are
• 13:43
  Speaker 1: understanding the behavior, we are reading the signals, and we
• 13:46
  Speaker 1: are adjusting in the moment so that later we can
• 13:51
  Speaker 1: address their nervous system response to stress and that will
• 13:56
  Speaker 1: help us to change these types of behaviors. Regulate first,
• 14:01
  Speaker 1: teach later. That's why I'm all about nervous system first, parenting,
• 14:07
  Speaker 1: nervous system first, educating. Everything needs to be nervous system first.
• 14:13
  Speaker 1: This is where dignity lives. Folks, for both you and
• 14:17
  Speaker 1: your kid, this is how you treat them with dignity
• 14:23
  Speaker 1: and meet them where they are. I know that's what
• 14:26
  Speaker 1: you want for your kid, and these interactions will start
• 14:31
  Speaker 1: to get better for both of you when you make
• 14:34
  Speaker 1: this type of change in the way that you respond,
• 14:37
  Speaker 1: and then let's think about what changes long term. Kids
• 14:41
  Speaker 1: learn self awareness, they learn to repair after rupture, they
• 14:47
  Speaker 1: learn accountability without the shame and blame without the shame
• 14:54
  Speaker 1: and blame. And you, the parent, you're going to experience
• 14:59
  Speaker 1: fewer powers struggles. I can hear some of you say
• 15:02
  Speaker 1: and amen to that. Fewer power struggles, more trust between
• 15:06
  Speaker 1: you and your kid, and fewer intense moments explosions, complete
• 15:12
  Speaker 1: shutdowns over time. So we're looking at long term. If
• 15:17
  Speaker 1: you change the way you respond to moments like this
• 15:19
  Speaker 1: one time, no, it's not going to make a lasting change.
• 15:25
  Speaker 1: This is something that has to continue and to be
• 15:27
  Speaker 1: a practice. And the more that you're able to show
• 15:30
  Speaker 1: up this way, the more your kid feels safe when
• 15:34
  Speaker 1: things get hard. The more they feel safe when things
• 15:38
  Speaker 1: get hard, the less challenging behavior their nervous system is
• 15:44
  Speaker 1: going to create in an effort to keep them safe,
• 15:47
  Speaker 1: because it's already going to sense safety. This is kind
• 15:51
  Speaker 1: of this beautiful biological cycle, and we can get stuck
• 15:57
  Speaker 1: in the hard part where kid just doesn't feel safe
• 16:01
  Speaker 1: most of the time. So we're seeing a lot of
• 16:04
  Speaker 1: this fight flight or freeze, or you can create the
• 16:08
  Speaker 1: environment and the relationship where you can cycle with more safety.
• 16:14
  Speaker 1: So I want to invite you this week to do
• 16:18
  Speaker 1: one thing, one change, based on what you've learned here.
• 16:22
  Speaker 1: Pause before you label something as disrespect, Pause before you
• 16:28
  Speaker 1: label something as opposition, defiant, any of those things. This
• 16:33
  Speaker 1: isn't about manners. This is about capacity. This isn't about manners.
• 16:39
  Speaker 1: This is about safety. This isn't about manners. This is
• 16:43
  Speaker 1: about lagging skills. Use that sort of framework of an
• 16:49
  Speaker 1: affirmation for you as a parent, and plug into it
• 16:54
  Speaker 1: what is true for your kid. But when you are
• 16:57
  Speaker 1: met with what feels like disrespect, I want you internally
• 17:01
  Speaker 1: to tell yourself this isn't about manners. This isn't about
• 17:06
  Speaker 1: my kid's moral compass. This is just about capacity and
• 17:13
  Speaker 1: their nervous system. You're not learning expectations, you're not being permissive.
• 17:19
  Speaker 1: You're just meeting the nervous system where learning actually lands.
• 17:25
  Speaker 1: In order for us to be available biologically to learn,
• 17:29
  Speaker 1: we have to be regulated. And in these moments, your
• 17:34
  Speaker 1: kid is clearly disregulated. So you have to get back
• 17:38
  Speaker 1: to regulation, which comes with a sense of safety, and
• 17:42
  Speaker 1: then you can start to build lagging skills. You can
• 17:46
  Speaker 1: start to work on different responses that they have. You
• 17:49
  Speaker 1: can work more on creating more of a sense of
• 17:53
  Speaker 1: safety for them with you in your home environment or
• 17:58
  Speaker 1: teachers with you in the classroom. This is how you're
• 18:03
  Speaker 1: able to make change. Anything else in these moments is
• 18:08
  Speaker 1: not going to work. Head over to PARENTINGADHD and Autism
• 18:13
  Speaker 1: dot com for the show notes and so much more resources,
• 18:19
  Speaker 1: parent training community, so many things that I know are
• 18:22
  Speaker 1: going to help you in your parenting or in educating
• 18:27
  Speaker 1: Kids who are NERD divergent are complex kids. Thank you
• 18:31
  Speaker 1: so much for being here and listening, and I will
• 18:34
  Speaker 1: see you next time. Take good care. I see you.
• 18:39
  Speaker 1: You're doing hard and meaningful work and you don't have
• 18:42
  Speaker 1: to do it alone. If you found this episode helpful,
• 18:45
  Speaker 1: share it with someone who needs it and leave a
• 18:48
  Speaker 1: quick review so others can find this support too. When
• 18:52
  Speaker 1: you're ready for next steps, the Regulated Kids Project is
• 18:55
  Speaker 1: here with the tools, coaching, and community to help you
• 18:59
  Speaker 1: raise a more regulated, resilient child. Get more info at
• 19:04
  Speaker 1: regulated kids dot com. M