Latest / Reflect Reclaim & Liberate - with Sallyanne Hartnell / Releasing the Past and Healing After Divorce

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Releasing the Past and Healing After Divorce · Reflect Reclaim & Liberate - with Sallyanne Hartnell

• 0:01
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to this week's episode of Reflect, Reclaim, and Liberate.
• 0:05
  SPEAKER_00: Just before we dive into this week's episode, I wanted to let you know, as a valued listener of the podcast, about something that I'm releasing soon in 2024.
• 0:16
  SPEAKER_00: Something that a few of you have asked me for.
• 0:18
  SPEAKER_00: It's going to be a small group coaching programme, and when I say small, I mean really small for women and female identifying folk who are contemplating leaving a relationship or ending a marriage, moving through separation, navigating divorce, even healing and reorganising life and family afterwards.
• 0:38
  SPEAKER_00: It's going to be a super supportive space to explore your options and receive the help and support you most need, a community and connection with others who know and understand firsthand exactly what you're going through.
• 0:53
  SPEAKER_00: Affordable and accessible with one-to-one coaching support with me in a small group setting.
• 1:00
  SPEAKER_00: So you'll get specific expert tailored support with me as your coach because I intimately understand and have supported so many others through exactly what you're experiencing.
• 1:10
  SPEAKER_00: Experiencing I've got that real life lived experience on a personal and professional level.
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_00: I've been there ahead of you and led many others along the same path.
• 1:20
  SPEAKER_00: This is going to be a super super safe, confidential, small space to really openly share, understand, be supported, uplifted, and motivated to make hard decisions and not just thrive survive, but reclaim and liberate yourself to thrive afterwards.
• 1:38
  SPEAKER_00: And sharing all of that with a small group of other women who really truly get what you're experiencing.
• 1:44
  SPEAKER_00: So be the first to know when I open it.
• 1:47
  SPEAKER_00: There'll be a link in the show notes to join the wait list.
• 1:50
  SPEAKER_00: Even if you think you might want in, I would really encourage you to join the wait list.
• 1:55
  SPEAKER_00: And now for this week's episode.
• 2:10
  SPEAKER_00: Finding the space for all of you in life and love.
• 2:14
  SPEAKER_00: I'm your host, Sally Ann Hartnell, and this podcast is for anyone wanting to reclaim and liberate themselves in their relationships and their life.
• 2:23
  SPEAKER_00: Wherever you are on your relationship journey, these conversations meet you right there.
• 2:28
  SPEAKER_00: In soulful, deeply supportive DNMs with me and interviews with other gorgeous humans, moving you from where you are to where you most want to be.
• 2:38
  SPEAKER_00: A life and love completely aligned with your deepest desires to have it all on your own terms.
• 2:45
  SPEAKER_00: If you're seeking a relationship and a life that lights up all of you, you're in the right place.
• 2:52
  SPEAKER_00: I'd also like to acknowledge that this podcast is recorded on the traditional lands of the Wuradri people and pay my respects to elders past, present, and emerging and acknowledge them as the original storytellers of this land.
• 3:06
  SPEAKER_00: Hello, hello, and welcome to this episode of Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate, all about healing after divorce, releasing the past, and moving on.
• 3:18
  SPEAKER_00: If you are relatively new to the podcast, an extra special welcome to you.
• 3:22
  SPEAKER_00: And if that's the case, I invite you to go back and listen to the first couple of episodes where I introduce myself and explain a bit of my story and my why, why I do what I do.
• 3:34
  SPEAKER_00: But for now, back to today's episode.
• 3:38
  SPEAKER_00: Healing after heartbreak, a breakup, healing after divorce is hard and it's a process, one that you need to move through, allow yourself to move through rather than just skip to the end or skip to the good parts, not stepping over the difficult parts.
• 3:56
  SPEAKER_00: So today's episode is all about healing after divorce and releasing, releasing ourselves from the past.
• 4:03
  SPEAKER_00: Now, one of my reflections at the end of 2023 was when we step over our knowing or push down our inner voice, when we dodge our intuition, it always comes back.
• 4:17
  SPEAKER_00: And similarly, when we skip over the hard parts of healing, when we minimize or push down or push away the painful parts of the healing process, they have a tendency to come back, to circle back around and find us at some future point.
• 4:35
  SPEAKER_00: So you may as well buckle up for the whole lived experience of healing, the hard, the painful, as well as the release, the relief, and the freedom.
• 4:47
  SPEAKER_00: Healing doesn't have to be an obvious, loud, or apparent thing or process.
• 4:53
  SPEAKER_00: It doesn't have to look a certain way, it doesn't have to look beautiful, it's not a performance that the world needs to see, or even your close people all need to see or be privy to.
• 5:05
  SPEAKER_00: Your healing is exactly that.
• 5:06
  SPEAKER_00: It's yours, and it's the messy stuff, and often it's the magic that happens within internally.
• 5:14
  SPEAKER_00: Also important to note that you can be healing and breaking both at once.
• 5:19
  SPEAKER_00: So don't be afraid if it feels like you're breaking apart in order to heal.
• 5:25
  SPEAKER_00: It is messy, it's an unraveling, and it can be messy and uncomfortable, and it can be it can feel like you are both breaking and healing all at the same time.
• 5:37
  SPEAKER_00: Also, healing isn't a race.
• 5:40
  SPEAKER_00: It's not about rushing, rushing to the end, skipping over parts, or forcing or running along to someone else's timeline, or filling someone else's agenda or idea about how you should be moving through this, fitting the story that someone else thinks you should be playing out, or even the story that you're telling yourself you should be playing playing out.
• 6:05
  SPEAKER_00: It's really about giving yourself the time and the space to allow all those pieces to come apart and then choosing what to bring back in, choosing what to release and let go of, where to shift and grow, what to expand into, and really giving your heart the space it needs to find peace again.
• 6:26
  SPEAKER_00: Now that doesn't mean that doesn't matter if you chose to leave the relationship, you were the one to choose to end it or you weren't.
• 6:34
  SPEAKER_00: Healing isn't a race, and you do still need to heal, even if you were the one that actively made the decision to leave or end the relationship.
• 6:43
  SPEAKER_00: We all have a tendency as humans to rehash, to play on loop, to go over our breakup or our divorce story, you know, over and over, retelling it, resharing it, journaling on it.
• 6:57
  SPEAKER_00: And that is really, really important.
• 6:59
  SPEAKER_00: It's really important to allow your story voice, whether it's speaking it out, whether it's journaling it, whatever.
• 7:06
  SPEAKER_00: It's important to allow that voice, but it can also be a form of remaining stuck, of not moving forward, of holding on to the past and keeping yourself in the story, keeping yourself in a past version of your story, and that can actually perpetuate the pain and the hurt and hold you back from healing.
• 7:27
  SPEAKER_00: Also, know that pure desire, pure willpower is not going to be enough.
• 7:35
  SPEAKER_00: Whether that's you having been told, you know, it's time to move on and get over him or her, that is not going to be enough.
• 7:43
  SPEAKER_00: You can't just will yourself out of the hurt.
• 7:46
  SPEAKER_00: You can't just decide.
• 7:48
  SPEAKER_00: Letting go and moving forward is not just about the intellectual cognitive deciding to do it or being told by someone else it's what you need to do.
• 7:59
  SPEAKER_00: Being being experiencing life, living as you were, being the same as you were is no longer possible.
• 8:08
  SPEAKER_00: So much has changed, so much has been stripped away.
• 8:11
  SPEAKER_00: There have likely been some really big discussions or arguments, definitely big feelings and emotions, hard things have been said and done, and you cannot simply be as you were.
• 8:23
  SPEAKER_00: You are not the same person that you were before this happened, and things are not the same as they were before.
• 8:30
  SPEAKER_00: So telling yourself just to let go and move on will actually only serve to make your subconscious hold on tighter and harder to what was, to what you knew or what you know, to what is to the things that are recognizable and known and therefore feel safe.
• 8:50
  SPEAKER_00: So willing yourself and telling yourself to let go and to move on will actually only make you more fixed and more fixated in and on what you're actually trying to heal from.
• 9:01
  SPEAKER_00: You can only move on or begin to move forward to let go and move on when you begin to build and create something new, something that meets and holds and fulfills this new you, this new version of yourself.
• 9:17
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, even if the ending of the relationship is still painful and raw, even if you don't really want to let go of that past version or release yourself from the dream of the life you thought you would have.
• 9:32
  SPEAKER_00: Letting go means accepting, processing, and healing, accepting the reality that this chapter is over.
• 9:40
  SPEAKER_00: That's that's the reality of my current situation.
• 9:43
  SPEAKER_00: You know, you realize that maybe this it's not the path, it's not the end of the path, but it's a junction that perhaps this relationship, the marriage, who you were in that relationship was actually the thing that was blocking your path.
• 9:59
  SPEAKER_00: It wasn't the path, it was blocking your path, it was a thing standing in the way of you becoming you, this version of you, and living the life you most want to or are most destined to live.
• 10:14
  SPEAKER_00: Before we dive into the second part of the episode, this is just a reminder that there's always the opportunity to book a free intro call with me to explore coaching options.
• 10:23
  SPEAKER_00: That might be one-on-one coaching or it might be my online multi-module self-paced course.
• 10:30
  SPEAKER_00: Please also feel free to jump into my Instagram DMs, ask a question, offer some feedback, and let me know what you would most like to hear about on upcoming episodes of the podcast.
• 10:42
  SPEAKER_00: And the processing, the doing the work, allowing the emotions, exploring all the thoughts and the stories as they rise up, as well as the feelings, as well as the analysing and unraveling to understand that's important.
• 10:57
  SPEAKER_00: And then the healing.
• 10:58
  SPEAKER_00: If you need to cry, scream, be messy, do it.
• 11:02
  SPEAKER_00: It as I said earlier, it's not a performance for somebody else to be watching, it is actually all about you and what you need.
• 11:09
  SPEAKER_00: So if you need to be raw and real and messy and let your foundations break down, let everything unravel, do it, and do it for as long as you need to do without someone else setting the agenda or the timeline, without you bringing your own judgment into it, without you overlaying what you should be doing or how you think you should be processing.
• 11:33
  SPEAKER_00: If you need to be messy, allow it.
• 11:36
  SPEAKER_00: Rather than muscling yourself, forcing yourself to just let go, don't.
• 11:42
  SPEAKER_00: Don't let go.
• 11:44
  SPEAKER_00: Perhaps it is better to not let go just yet, rather than muscling yourself and forcing it.
• 11:51
  SPEAKER_00: Just think about perhaps taking one small step towards that life you most want to be living, towards the person you most want to evolve into and become.
• 12:02
  SPEAKER_00: One small step rather than focusing on the whole staircase.
• 12:06
  SPEAKER_00: And in that processing and healing, ask yourself perhaps what was at the center of your experience in that past relationship in the marriage?
• 12:16
  SPEAKER_00: What was the core need or desire that was actually being met by you being in this particular relationship with this particular person?
• 12:25
  SPEAKER_00: What was maybe the feeling that you were seeking?
• 12:28
  SPEAKER_00: When else have you sought that feeling?
• 12:31
  SPEAKER_00: When is the first time you remember feeling it?
• 12:33
  SPEAKER_00: You know, maybe going in and finding that earlier version of yourself, going back to speak to that earlier version as yourself of yourself, sorry, as your older, wiser, more healed self.
• 12:45
  SPEAKER_00: Go back to that younger version of you and meet the need.
• 12:49
  SPEAKER_00: Explore the desire and the feelings, and importantly, tell that younger version of you that you will be okay.
• 12:56
  SPEAKER_00: Give that younger version of you the love, the tending, the guidance, the support and reassurance that they need.
• 13:03
  SPEAKER_00: Tell them what they most need to do to meet that need for themselves, and that what's coming in the future is actually worth moving through all this hard stuff.
• 13:12
  SPEAKER_00: That good things are coming, that they will be okay, and that everything works out, that life will life around you, but you will be okay, and it will work out.
• 13:22
  SPEAKER_00: You will work it out, and that you will be okay.
• 13:28
  SPEAKER_00: We hold the stories and we store unfinished and unresolved life experiences, yes, in our heads, but also in our bodies, in our hearts, in our minds, and also in our bodies.
• 13:40
  SPEAKER_00: So there was something in that younger version of you, something that earlier version of you wanted.
• 13:46
  SPEAKER_00: You know, maybe it was simply to feel seen, maybe it was about the love of someone who didn't actually have capacity to see or hear you or love you in the deepest way, in the way you most wanted and needed to be loved.
• 14:01
  SPEAKER_00: So processing and healing is about recognizing what that need was, releasing our old attachment to that need, letting go of letting go of longing for what we didn't or couldn't get, have or receive in that relationship, and shifting focus to building what you do want, becoming who you want to be, being the human, the partner who can welcome someone who does actually have capacity.
• 14:30
  SPEAKER_00: It's about creating the life you want by being the person you need to be, shifting your focus from where you are and the past and start building this future version, future life for yourself.
• 14:46
  SPEAKER_00: You can grieve and feel sad and feel the loss of that younger version of yourself, what she wanted, what they needed.
• 14:54
  SPEAKER_00: Look back, yes, and see her, acknowledge your younger self and that you did the best you could with what you knew at the time, and then forgive and release her.
• 15:04
  SPEAKER_00: Think about releasing that old version of you, the old life that you are no longer living, and changing the story you're telling yourself, the narrative you're running in your head, shifting your perspective to rewrite how you think about the breakup, how you speak to yourself about it, how you tell the story both to yourself and to others, and then shifting your focus toward the future.
• 15:30
  SPEAKER_00: Write it out if it helps.
• 15:32
  SPEAKER_00: This is the story, and this is what I'm choosing to tell myself about it, this is what I'm choosing to believe, and this is how I'm choosing to move forward.
• 15:41
  SPEAKER_00: This is what I needed, this is what I was seeking, this is what I didn't get, and this is what I'm calling for in my future.
• 15:49
  SPEAKER_00: And you can't do this, you can't move on, heal, release the past, find your peace while you're walking through the fire or even standing in the ashes, standing still or stuck.
• 16:03
  SPEAKER_00: You can only heal and release and move forward by focusing forward, by future tripping, by shifting your focus from what was and what is to what is coming, reclaiming and redefining your future.
• 16:18
  SPEAKER_00: And this redefining is where I start with all of my one-on-one clients.
• 16:22
  SPEAKER_00: How do you want life to look and feel in two, five, ten years' time?
• 16:27
  SPEAKER_00: Redefine and then reclaim by doing one small step at a time, one small step each day.
• 16:35
  SPEAKER_00: And while you're navigating the hard stuff, while you're accepting the new story and you're processing the big emotions, releasing the past, releasing what you thought your future would look like while you're doing the healing work, take really good care of you.
• 16:52
  SPEAKER_00: Tend to you, care for and love you.
• 16:57
  SPEAKER_00: Take care of this current version of yourself.
• 17:01
  SPEAKER_00: You've been through so much, you've worked really hard to become this version of you.
• 17:07
  SPEAKER_00: So take care of yourself in this chapter, in this season, so that you can become the next version of yourself, healed and ready for what's coming, ready for the good things that are waiting for you.
• 17:20
  SPEAKER_00: And just to reframe, maybe, just maybe, this separation, your breakup, your divorce, rather than breaking you down, has actually awakened a part of you that maybe never would have surfaced, that you never knew was waiting to be uncovered and to be liberated.
• 17:39
  SPEAKER_00: So healing after divorce, releasing the past requires doing the work, shifting your vision, shifting your focus to the future.
• 17:48
  SPEAKER_00: And that is something you would like my support to help you do.
• 17:53
  SPEAKER_00: Let's chat.
• 17:54
  SPEAKER_00: Book a free intro call via the link in the show notes.
• 17:57
  SPEAKER_00: I would love to talk to you about coaching options and the support that is available for you to heal, release, and move forward through separation after divorce.
• 18:08
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you for being here.
• 18:09
  SPEAKER_00: I hope this has been a supportive listen for you.
• 18:12
  SPEAKER_00: Please feel free to share it with somebody that you know who would be supported and uplifted to hear it.
• 18:18
  SPEAKER_00: Until next time.
• 18:20
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Sally Ann Hartnell, Relationship Coach, and you've been listening to Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate.
• 18:26
  SPEAKER_00: You can follow me on Instagram at ReflectCoaching, and if you can think of anyone who would love this episode, please, please share it with them.
• 18:34
  SPEAKER_00: I'd also be so grateful if you'd follow the podcast and review this episode so we can get it in the ears of a whole lot more humans just like you who are ready to reclaim and liberate themselves in life and love.
• 18:47
  SPEAKER_00: I hope you'll join me next time for another episode of Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate.
• 18:52
  SPEAKER_00: Until then.