Latest / The Mental Healness Podcast / When You Ask a Narcissist To Get Back Together

Transcript

When You Ask a Narcissist To Get Back Together · The Mental Healness Podcast

• 0:00
  So what happens when you ask a narcissist to get back with you?
• 0:04
  Like what happens when you just dig into when you are done with
• 0:08
  a narcissist, the relationship is over and then you reach back
• 0:10
  out to them and ask them to be back with you.
• 0:14
  What happens? What goes to do?
• 0:15
  What goes on in the mind of a narcissist?
• 0:17
  Y'all? That's what we're talking about
• 0:19
  today. Of course, if you're new here,
• 0:20
  I'm Lee Hammock, diagnosed narcissist myself and let's hop
• 0:23
  right into it y'all. First off, everybody's situation
• 0:27
  is different and this is not this video is not being put out
• 0:29
  there for me to judge anybody or make anybody feel judged.
• 0:33
  I'm just give you the perspective of what goes on in
• 0:34
  the mind of a narcissist. If you reach out to me asking me
• 0:38
  to be back with me. Got it good.
• 0:41
  First off, narcissistic people love to be chased.
• 0:46
  Hey, not all of them of course. I don't speak in absolutes, but
• 0:49
  most narcissists love it when you chase after them when you
• 0:52
  are the when you are the pursuer.
• 0:54
  A lot of narcissists love that, right?
• 0:57
  So if we break up and most times when you break up by the
• 1:01
  narcissist or toxic person, they've done something horrible
• 1:04
  to you, right? Like you're not breaking up with
• 1:06
  them for no reason. Typically they've done something
• 1:08
  horrible to you and you're breaking up with them because of
• 1:10
  that. Now, when the relationship ends
• 1:13
  and then you decide to reach out to me, you got to be prepared
• 1:16
  for what comes next. You know what I mean?
• 1:18
  You got to be, hey, I'm just, I'm not saying I'm just saying
• 1:21
  if you reach out to me after the breakup, asking me to come back
• 1:25
  to you, asking me to get this, this, let's talk again.
• 1:28
  Let's get back together. Let's make things work.
• 1:31
  If you do that, you are saying that you are OK with everything
• 1:35
  that I have done. Now, are you actually OK with
• 1:41
  everything that I have done? Probably not, right.
• 1:44
  But in the mind of a narcissist, they go, there's a lot of black
• 1:46
  and white thinking. There's a lot of black and
• 1:48
  white. Well, if you're not OK, why
• 1:51
  would you come back? If you're not, if you're not
• 1:53
  cool with everything, how I've been treating you, What are you
• 1:55
  doing here? You see what I'm saying?
• 1:57
  So in my mind, in order to justify myself, in order to
• 2:00
  validate myself, I'm going to say, hey, I it must not have
• 2:04
  been that bad because you came back to me.
• 2:08
  Things must not be as bad as you making them out to be because
• 2:11
  who you are right? Am I right?
• 2:14
  Yes, I try to be right. Y'all might not be right to
• 2:17
  everybody. So if you are contacting me
• 2:20
  after I've lied, after I've been consistently lying to you, if
• 2:23
  you're contacting me after I've consistently cheated on you or
• 2:25
  put my hands on you, whatever the case may be, gas lit you,
• 2:28
  whatever it is, in my mind, I'm saying that you were OK, you're
• 2:31
  OK with this stuff. So that's why in essence, when
• 2:36
  you take me back, when you ask me to come back, that's why it
• 2:41
  gets worse. Because now I understand.
• 2:44
  I think I can get away with everything.
• 2:47
  You know what I'm saying? Now, I feel like because you
• 2:50
  asked me to come back into your life because you you want to
• 2:52
  give this, you want to give this another try.
• 2:55
  I feel like you're OK with everything that that I put you
• 2:57
  through. So now I know I I already know
• 3:00
  what I can get away with. So why wouldn't I keep cheating?
• 3:04
  You said that, yes, y'all, I know y'all say the hair is gone.
• 3:07
  The hair is gone. It's gone.
• 3:11
  But yeah, that's what happens, y'all.
• 3:13
  So before you reach out to your toxic narcissistic ex, make sure
• 3:16
  you answer. Ask yourself that question right
• 3:18
  there. Am I OK?
• 3:19
  Oh goodness, am I OK? What am I OK with?
• 3:26
  What has happened? What has transpired in this
• 3:28
  relationship? Because if I'm not, then I
• 3:31
  probably don't need to go back, right?
• 3:34
  I know it sounds super simplistic, but when you're
• 3:36
  talking and dealing about dealing with a narcissist,
• 3:39
  sometimes it can be very black and white.
• 3:41
  There's very, sometimes there's very little nuance When you're
• 3:44
  dealing with a toxic, manipulative person, When you're
• 3:47
  dealing with a manipulator who thinks in black and white, it's
• 3:50
  either all good or all bad. Since you came back to me, it
• 3:56
  must be all good. You see, this is how a lot of
• 4:00
  narcissists justify the stuff that they do.
• 4:03
  Because you came back, right? You didn't.
• 4:05
  You didn't have to come back to me.
• 4:07
  You were gone. You were free.
• 4:09
  You did not have to come back into this relationship.
• 4:11
  You did not have to come back here, but you did.
• 4:14
  So in my mind, I think that you're OK with everything that
• 4:18
  is transpired. I think that you are OK with
• 4:20
  everything that has happened, although you might not be.
• 4:25
  You see what I'm saying? I also think that because you
• 4:28
  came back, that means that we don't have to talk about the
• 4:31
  stuff that I did. If you ask me to come back, why
• 4:35
  the hell do I need to address things that have happened in the
• 4:38
  past? You see, why do I?
• 4:41
  Why are we talking about stuff that has already transpired?
• 4:44
  Why are we discussing things that have already happened?
• 4:47
  Why? This is the type of mentality
• 4:50
  that you have to think about when you before you go back,
• 4:52
  before you pick that phone call, before you make that phone call,
• 4:55
  before you send that e-mail, before you unblock them and tell
• 4:59
  them how much you love them, miss them.
• 5:00
  This is the stuff that you need to think about because it's not
• 5:03
  going to get better. It's just not y'all.
• 5:08
  It really is not going to get better.
• 5:10
  I promise you it's not. So that's why I tell people,
• 5:13
  think about it when I'm doing my one on ones over Zoom that I
• 5:16
  still do, right? Mental illness.net for all my
• 5:18
  one on ones. When I'm doing this stuff over
• 5:20
  Zoom, I tell people it's just like, look, there's a lot of
• 5:23
  people asking me over the zoom calls.
• 5:25
  Not everybody is trying to leave, right?
• 5:26
  Some people are trying to get back into the types of
• 5:27
  relationship dynamics. Some people want to know how to
• 5:30
  get them back here. Look, I talked to people about
• 5:31
  different, so many different things over the zoom calls.
• 5:34
  So when I'm talking to them, they asked me what, what if I,
• 5:37
  what if I'm not ready to just leave just yet?
• 5:39
  What if I call? What if I call them and ask them
• 5:41
  to come home? What if I ask them, can I come
• 5:43
  home? What goes on?
• 5:45
  I was like, are you prepared to just never talk about what you,
• 5:47
  what they've, what they've done to you?
• 5:49
  And most people say no, like, like, no, like hell no, I'm not.
• 5:52
  I'm not ready for that yet. I'm just, I want to discuss my
• 5:55
  feelings, Lee. I want to talk about what has
• 5:57
  happened. I want to talk about what
• 5:58
  they've put me through. I want to talk about what we've
• 6:00
  been through. I like that.
• 6:02
  That doesn't really work when you're dealing with narcissistic
• 6:04
  people, you know, I mean, that's not how it flows together.
• 6:07
  Most times when you're dealing with a toxic, manipulative,
• 6:10
  abusive person, most times they're going to want to just
• 6:13
  get off Scott free. Most times they're just going to
• 6:15
  want to do what they want to do. They don't want to talk about
• 6:18
  the past because the past is not how the past how how to talk
• 6:21
  about the past right now help us moving forward.
• 6:25
  That's how most narcissist minds work, right?
• 6:27
  This is how most narcissist mind works is like, how the hell does
• 6:30
  talking about stuff that our we've already done help us out
• 6:33
  at all right here? How does that type of stuff
• 6:36
  work? So if you pick up that before
• 6:38
  you pick that phone up and call that person, y'all you have to
• 6:41
  be OK with. I'm just saying, look,
• 6:43
  narcissist is this can be very simple, all good or all bad.
• 6:47
  Like I said earlier, you have, but it's the focus is on you and
• 6:51
  that's why I tell so many people, so many people see my
• 6:54
  story and how I'm still married and whatnot, right?
• 6:56
  It was like, well, let you still married.
• 6:58
  Why your wife give you another chance?
• 6:59
  Why can't we give my partner another chance?
• 7:00
  Your wife gave you another chance, Yo, because I've been
• 7:03
  putting into work. I've been in therapy for eight
• 7:07
  years. I have and not just not just not
• 7:11
  to get my family back because I like therapy.
• 7:13
  I actually like going talking to a therapist.
• 7:15
  I like actually like the the the stuff that the therapist helps
• 7:18
  me out with. I actually love going to therapy
• 7:20
  because it helps me vent. It's inventing place.
• 7:22
  I enjoy it. Therapy has been a place place
• 7:24
  of growth for me. You know, most narcissists are
• 7:28
  not going to go sit down and talk to a therapist.
• 7:29
  They just want you to get over. That's what I'm asking you like
• 7:32
  if you are you, if you go back into this, if you call me, if
• 7:35
  you break no contact, in my mind I'm like oh hell yeah, hell
• 7:39
  yeah. And y'all, this is a sidebar,
• 7:42
  right? This is a side thought.
• 7:44
  Sometimes when you unblock them and go back to them, they will
• 7:47
  take you back, but only to hurt you.
• 7:51
  Sometimes if you broke my heart, you broke over me.
• 7:53
  Even though I cheated on you or whatever I've done to you, you
• 7:56
  broke over me, right? So you hurt my ego.
• 7:59
  So now I want to get you back. I want to hurt your ego now I
• 8:04
  want to, I need to, I need to pacify myself.
• 8:06
  I need to make myself feel better.
• 8:08
  So in in in order to make myself feel better, you know what I'm
• 8:10
  going to do? I'm literally going to go out
• 8:12
  and do it. I'm literally going to break up
• 8:14
  with you. I'm going to get you back.
• 8:16
  I'm like, Hey, this is nice relationship.
• 8:18
  Might clap the cheeks a couple times, might take you out to
• 8:20
  dinner. Then in the movie, then I'm
• 8:23
  going to break up with you. Then I'm going to leave you
• 8:25
  because show you how it feels to be embarrassed because this is
• 8:28
  what some narcissists will do. They will absolutely get back
• 8:31
  together with you in order to just break up with you.
• 8:34
  They want to be the ones that break up with you.
• 8:37
  They want to be the ones that hurt you.
• 8:38
  They want to be the ones that end it just to protect their
• 8:41
  ego, just to safeguard their egos.
• 8:44
  So this this is something you got to think about before you
• 8:46
  hop back into of you. I'm just telling you because
• 8:48
  most narcissists will now will some of them take you back?
• 8:51
  Yes. Then there are some narcissists.
• 8:55
  They're looking to hurt you, right?
• 8:56
  Remember I said earlier they're looking to hurt you.
• 8:58
  So there are some narcissists out here, right?
• 9:00
  That will not take you back. They'll you'll call them.
• 9:04
  You open, you break no contact. You're opening up the door.
• 9:06
  Look, you're opening up the door of communication.
• 9:09
  And then guess what happened? They'll use that opportunity,
• 9:12
  that access to you to hurt your feelings.
• 9:15
  I don't want you back. I was cheating on you the whole
• 9:17
  time. You're a horrible person.
• 9:19
  You broke my heart. You got you got the audacity to
• 9:21
  call me and ask me to give you another chance.
• 9:23
  Hell, now you see how that works right there.
• 9:26
  They will literally hurt. Try to just bring pain to your
• 9:30
  life because they felt like you bought it to theirs.
• 9:32
  Fair is fair, is it not? This is how their minds work.
• 9:35
  Just like with fair is fair. You hurt my heart, you broke my
• 9:37
  feelings, Me you hurt, You brought my feelings, you hurt my
• 9:39
  heart. I need to break your feelings
• 9:40
  and hurt your heart. Fair is fair, is it not?
• 9:44
  That's that mentality that so many people will face.
• 9:47
  This is this is the type of stuff you will run into.
• 9:50
  We're dealing with a toxic manipulator.
• 9:52
  Yeah, yes, y'all. Some, some of y'all's feelings
• 9:54
  are hurt. Some of y'all want closure.
• 9:55
  I'll do another video on closure this week.
• 9:58
  Some of y'all just want to talk to him.
• 9:59
  Some of y'all just want to. It's just there's things that
• 10:01
  you feel like need to be said, but ask yourself, do they
• 10:05
  actually need to be said? I know the trauma bomb is tough.
• 10:08
  I know so many people. You can't just turn your
• 10:10
  feelings off like you can't. I know you have to turn your
• 10:12
  feelings down over time. You can't just flip them off
• 10:15
  like a light switch. But these are things that you
• 10:17
  have to understand that if you're dealing with the abusive
• 10:19
  manipulator, they don't care. At the end of the day, they're
• 10:22
  trying to make themselves feel better.
• 10:24
  They're trying to pacify their own egos.
• 10:26
  They're trying to do a lot of different things in these
• 10:28
  situations to make them to, to justify their own actions and
• 10:31
  justify their own behaviors. So these are things that you
• 10:35
  absolutely must consider as you decide to move forward when
• 10:38
  you're dealing with a toxic, manipulative, abusive person.
• 10:42
  You mean I'm just telling. I'm just telling you, before you
• 10:43
  reach out, before you unblock that person, before you call
• 10:46
  them, before you reach out to their friends or their family
• 10:49
  members, before you unblock them on social media and message
• 10:51
  them, ask yourself the question, am I OK with what they have done
• 10:55
  to me? Now I know some people are going
• 10:57
  to say yes because you're hurt, because you're still in that
• 11:00
  you're still in that cloud of manipulation.
• 11:02
  Sometimes they, they make you feel delusional, right?
• 11:05
  Ask yourself the question, why am I OK with this?
• 11:08
  Dig deeper. In order to heal from
• 11:10
  narcissistic abuse, you must dig deeper, right?
• 11:13
  And Speaking of digging deeper, I do have a course about digging
• 11:16
  deeper. It's called finding your why
• 11:20
  healing for narcissistic abuse. You can find it at my website at
• 11:23
  mentalillness.net. You can enter the code mothers
• 11:26
  or fathers for 50% off Y'all this is super cheap courses. 40
• 11:30
  long 40 deep in depth videos. I wrote a 25,000 word script, no
• 11:36
  AI. All from here, all from personal
• 11:38
  experience, all from this the the clients that I've helped
• 11:40
  over the years. I put it all into a course.
• 11:43
  It's called finding your why. It's available at
• 11:45
  mentalillness.net. Mothers and fathers get you 50%
• 11:48
  off y'all. Anyways, y'all hit that
• 11:50
  subscribe button. I'm interviewing for my podcast
• 11:52
  this week. Link in the description to apply
• 11:54
  to be on the podcast of every video that I do.
• 11:58
  The podcast will be longer episodes and whatnot.
• 12:00
  I'm thinking about keeping posting them here, but decisions
• 12:02
  will be made some. Y'all hit the subscribe button.
• 12:04
  I'm out please.