Latest / Soul Salon with Ayandastood / 31: the paradox of being sensitive — part 1: creativity 📝🎥🎨🥹

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31: the paradox of being sensitive — part 1: creativity 📝🎥🎨🥹 · Soul Salon with Ayandastood

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  So this is your invitation to let your sensitivity be the water that hydrates you,
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  that nourishes you, rather than the water that you drown in.
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  Hello sunshine and welcome back to paradigm shift with I understood.
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  A place where we reframe what is and reimagine what could be.
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  I hope you enjoy today's episode. Let's paradigm shift together.
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  Something that I've been so desperate to talk to you about is the paradox of being sensitive,
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  especially as it relates to being an artist or a creative or to creating and allowing yourself
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  to see yourself reflected in the identity of being creative.
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  Because so often if you're not earning money for something or if someone else hasn't
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  called you something, you feel a lot of insecurity defining yourself as that.
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  But this is your sign you are creative, you should fully take ownership of that identity
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  if it speaks to you. When it comes to the paradox of sensitivity, let's first talk about
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  what a paradox is. Okay, so a paradox is a seemingly self-contradictory or illogical statement
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  that at closer assessment turns out to reveal a deeper truth. So if I say to you something like
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  the silence was so loud, you know, that's a complete contradiction. How can silence be
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  loud and yet on an intuitive level? You know that that poetic expression is revealing something
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  more true than saying the silence was very silent. You know what I mean? So it's almost like in
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  creating this contrast and this tension, you reveal a deeper truth about the nature of the thing
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  itself. What I love about paradox is I actually was able to take a class on paradoxes in my undergrad
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  degree when I studied philosophy is how they reveal that our relationship to reality seemingly
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  does not fully capture what reality is because language is a device that we use to refer to
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  and speak about reality, but language cannot capture all of reality. And I think that's what the
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  paradox shows us. Because if this concept we've called silent can also be loud, then there's
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  something we fail to capture in the concept that we have named silent. You know what I mean?
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  Perhaps we fail to capture the social context in which the silence exists in that word.
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  Perhaps we fail to capture how the silence contrasts to whatever came before it. Like if something
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  very dramatic was said, then the silence will become loud. So I love that in Alan Watts' book,
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  The Wisdom of Integrity. He speaks about how it's like language will never fully capture the reality,
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  the richness of what actually happens in the universe. Even as I'm communicating these words to you
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  or if I claim to know something, we know that's our knowledge of the universe of reality. Like we
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  can't even begin to comprehend what's really going on. You know what I mean? And so I think that
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  something that is really, really fascinating about the human experience is we need language and we
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  communicate through language and we perceive the world through language and yet so often there are
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  implicit contradictions or tensions and instabilities within our language that if we take seriously
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  actually reveal something even more profoundly true. And I think that is so sexy and delicious
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  and wonderful. So what I want to talk about today is the paradox of being sensitive specifically
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  when it comes to being creative. Because how is it that the same set of energies and capabilities
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  and sentiments towards the world? You're being in the world as a sensitive person. You're so attuned.
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  You are a deep feeler, deep thinker. You feel everything so deeply. You know what I mean? And you are
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  very attuned with your environment. That surely would make for an amazing and wonderful and
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  just sensational artist. And yet that same sensibility is what makes the thought of other people's
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  judgment and failing and criticism and being subjected to, you know, disappointing yourself and
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  others makes that existential reality so severe in your mind. Like you feel it. You feel the weight
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  of possibilities that have not even occurred. And you feel like what it would feel like to be
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  rejected by the collective, to be judged by your friends, to be labeled by your family. It's like,
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  oh no, I cannot do that. I cannot step out of my role that I've been fulfilling my whole life.
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  I cannot allow myself to play with this part of me that I know is there because I know I'm going
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  to feel it so deeply when it goes wrong. If it goes wrong, obviously. And I have grappled with this
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  so much. Like the same thing that makes you just when someone's facial expression changes a little
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  bit, you know, babe, you're like, wow, their face just changed. I wonder why you're curious. You
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  know what I mean? You're in tune. That same thing is what makes you so in tune with the consequences
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  of being creative in the world. So I have all these ideas. I'm so scared of sharing. You know,
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  you be like girl, you be sharing your ideas. I have more. I have more. But I'm so scared of being
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  ridiculed. I'm so scared of being judged. I'm so scared of being criticized. And the reality of
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  those possibilities because I'm also a human and as a sensitive person, I can empathize. I've
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  criticized people. I've judged people. I mean, I'm not hating on people in the comment section,
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  but I felt that sense of that sense of, oh, you're wrong. You know, we are. It's like the idea. I
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  read this on my word. My mind is firing on all cylinders. She's in the zone. Okay. So there's this
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  idea that when someone, when you get a critical thought of someone, what you should say in your mind
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  is just like me. This is a very powerful tool, babe. I love this. It's about opposing polarization.
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  And I don't mean political polarization. I actually mean in the Buddha sense, the idea that I
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  am on the opposite side of you. So if you do something that makes me angry, then you are the enemy.
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  I'm the subject. You're the object. I also think it links to the colonial eye and the idea that
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  in the colonized's mind, everything exists as an object. He, the white man, is the subject and
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  the world exists for him to dominate and for him to project his fantasies, illusions, and nightmares
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  onto. And I just think that that must be connected to how we've been taught to conceive of
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  selfhood and personhood. This deeply fascinates me. And I want to investigate it further. But essentially,
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  polarization is also the idea that we are each other's enemies. Like I, please be careful because
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  I don't want to add to the conversation on like how we're so polarized and the left and the right
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  because honestly, of course, nations are not meant to exist. So of course, you cannot unite
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  millions of people under a cohesive idea because we used to live in groups of 100. And even then,
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  there was, you know, disagreement. So the idea that you would have millions of people all
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  believing in the same thing is just ridiculous. Like nation shouldn't exist. And they're all
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  colonial projects. And that's why there's so much division within them because we were never
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  meant to relate to so many people in terms of how we should live and how we should rule our lives.
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  Anyways, so moving on and continuing, they're just like me too. This is from Pima Kodran. I learned
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  this in her book, Welcome Be Unwelcome, sexy, wonderful, special. And what she says is that when
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  you get a polarizing thought like, oh, how dare they be so disappointing, you say, just like me.
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  And it brings you closer to the other babe. If someone does something embarrassing and you're like,
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  oh, my word, that's embarrassing. Oh, just like me. And then you connect to that part of you that's
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  too ashamed to let yourself put yourself in a position where you might be embarrassed.
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  And I do this so much now when I'm like, why would you say that? Obviously, I don't mean like if
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  they're spewing hate or like supporting genocide or anything like that. But when I feel that sense
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  of polarization within me that you are my opponent, I am me and you are you instead of we are
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  interconnected being. We are interconnected consciousness. What I reject in you is what I have
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  rejected in myself. And there are nuances here. But what I think you're capturing what I'm
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  throwing to you. I think you are receiving it in you. So I think it's sinking in. It's it's
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  seeping in this idea that we can use this mantra, this saying to reduce our oppositional thinking
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  towards others and to bring us closer to them. So because I'm able to do that, I'm able to know
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  why there are people who would really criticize me. And I'm able to empathize with them as a
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  sensitive person. I'm like, I get it, babe, you know, I get it. Even though it would hurt me. So
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  then I create this whole reality that hasn't existed. And that evidence is contrary to the fact as in
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  people have shown me so much love and light and support. Oh, I don't like the equation of
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  light with goodness because soil literally allows for there to be earth. Actually, it's like the
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  conjunction. It's the soil and the sun. It's like you need the night to sleep, but you need the day
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  to do your activities and be in community with others. So it's like it's actually the interplay
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  between darkness and light that allows for life. And yet because of again, I think the colonial
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  imagination, the puritanical Christian imagination, the idea of light being good, illuminating,
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  enlightening, and then that's been used in the beauty context as well. Oh my goodness.
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  Sometimes I'm like, you're, I have things to say. Anyways, so it's been adopted within the beauty
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  context, glowing skin, luminous skin, bright in your skin. So this idea that brightness, glowing
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  light, higher, no, that's not the same thing. One of these things is not like the other, but that's
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  another thing that's more on the sense of like hierarchical language. Like higher is better,
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  your highest self, your highest expression, you know, like as in your closer to the divine,
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  your closer to God. So all of these, you know, even if you're not religious, we're breathing the
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  air of the residue, you know, of a collective imagination that has been shaped by colonialism,
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  by Christianity, and all these things, right? So, so I feel possessed. I'm, I'm narrating
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  my experience as I'm having it. That's also special. So back to the topic of the conversational,
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  which is this, because I am sensitive, I'm in tune with what can go wrong emotionally for me
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  if I honor my art. And so the same thing that helps me create art is the same thing that makes me
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  very terrified of creating art, not only of sharing it, but also of creating it itself, because of
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  that intuition. And I want to read this to you from a book, because you know, over here we love to
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  bring you, I love to bring you wisdoms, you know, from others. I want, I love to just like let
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  you know that I take your consciousness very seriously. And I want you to have the best of what I
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  have accessed, you know, and looked for in the world of knowing and that deeper knowing,
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  where you just have that paradigm shifting moment, that aha moment, that magical insight.
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  I love for those moments, babe. I love for them. Like if you could package that and oh, let me not
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  say that. Let me read this to you, because I love to read to you. It's just so precious.
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  Let's talk about what sensitivity actually is. I started a book just for you called sensitive.
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  And I'll put it in the show notes. I have just started it. And I'm trying to unlearn the idea
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  that I have to have finished a book before I can bring it here, because the problem is
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  then you sometimes fail to capture the magic of the beginning, because something that I do know
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  as a creative person is that we spend the most time on the beginning. Let's be real. The first
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  paragraph, the first line, because if you think about a book, the intro chapter goes so hard.
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  Have you ever read an intro chapter? Like sometimes I want to create a whole podcast just called
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  intro chapter and read intro chapters to people, because I fucking love an intro chapter.
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  I love an intro chapter. It's so delicious. I'm like, take me on this journey. It's so precise.
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  It's got all the stories and it's got the pow pow. It's like the TED talk of the book is the
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  intro chapter. And then the rest, you know, it's a bit of a longer, slower burn. It is sexy, delicious,
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  and wonderful. I'm a non-fick. Ooh, I was just about to constitute myself as something that I'm
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  actually not. I also love fiction. I love both. I love both. And we have so much to learn from
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  both. Okay. And I mean, isn't some non-fiction also a kind of fiction? Let's talk about it.
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  So this is what she says about us sensitive beings. She says, they say actually it's written by
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  so here's a checklist of the most common characteristics of sensitive people. The more boxes you
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  check, the more sensitive you are. You don't need to check every box or relate to every point in
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  this book to be considered a sensitive person. Remember, sensitivity is a continuum and everyone will
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  fall somewhere along it. Also, keep in mind that your life experiences will influence how your
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  sensitivity is expressed. Which of the following statements are true for you?
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  In general, you tend to pause before acting, giving your brain time to do its work.
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  You notice subtle details, like the slight difference in shade between brushstrokes on a painting,
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  or a micro expression that quickly vanishes from your coworker's face.
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  You feel strong emotions. You have a hard time shaking intense emotions like anger or worry.
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  You have a lot of empathy, even towards strangers or people you only hear about in the news.
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  You easily put yourself in other people's shoes. Other people's moods really affect you.
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  You easily absorb emotions from others, taking on their feelings as if they were your own.
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  You feel stressed and fatigued in loud, busy environments, like a crowded shopping mall concert or
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  restaurant. You need plenty of downtime to maintain your energy levels. You often find yourself
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  withdrawing from other people so you can calm your senses and process your thoughts.
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  You read people well and can infer with surprising accuracy what they are thinking or feeling.
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  You have a hard time watching violent or scary movies or witnessing any kind of cruelty toward
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  animals or humans. You hate feeling rushed and prefer to do things carefully.
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  You are a perfectionist. You struggle to perform at your best under pressure,
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  such as when your boss is evaluating your work or you are participating in a competition.
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  Sometimes your environment is your enemy. A chair with a hard back, lights that are too bright,
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  and music that is too loud can make it feel impossible to relax or focus.
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  You startle easily at sudden noises like when someone sneaks up on you.
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  You're a seeker. You think deeply about life and ask why things are the way they are.
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  You may have always wondered why other people aren't as captivated by the mysteries of human nature
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  and the universe as you are. Your clothing really matters, scratchy fabrics or restrictive clothing
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  like pants with a tight waistband can throw off your day. You seem to have a lower pain tolerance
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  than other people. Your inner world is alive and present. You've been described as imaginative
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  and creative. You have vivid dreams and nightmares. You seem to have a harder time adjusting
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  to change than other people. You've been called shy, picky, intense, dramatic, too sensitive
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  or high maintenance. You've also been called conscientious, thoughtful, wise, insightful,
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  passionate or perceptive. You read a room well. You are sensitive to changes in your diet and
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  blood sugar levels. If you haven't eaten in a while, you might get hungry, hungry and angry.
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  For you, a little caffeine or alcohol goes a long way. You cry easily.
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  You desire harmony in your relationships so conflict can be very distressing for you. Perhaps
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  even making you feel physically ill. As a result, you may people please or go to great lengths to
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  avoid disagreements. You desire depth and emotional intensity in your relationships. Transaction
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  or service level connections aren't enough for you. Your mind moves quickly. Thus you often feel
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  out of sync with other people and this feeling can be profoundly lonely. Words really matter to you.
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  You can't easily brush off hurtful or critical words. You are self-reflective, knowing your strengths
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  and weaknesses well. You are deeply moved by art and beauty, whether it's a song, a painting,
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  or just the way the sunlight hits the autumn leaves. Or consider the following simple self-assessment
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  about what is easy for you versus what is challenging for you. If you relate to most of these
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  statements, you are likely a sensitive person. It's easy for me to read people's moods or intentions,
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  do slow, careful work to high standards, notice details that others ignore, seek holistic
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  solutions that benefit the group, find beauty and meaning in the everyday world,
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  make art be creative or deliver unique insights, empathize with others, especially when they are
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  heard. It's challenging for me to deal with strong emotions from other people, especially
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  anger, stress or disappointment, work fast under pressure or scrutiny, prioritize my own needs,
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  ignore intrusive sense, textures or noises, endure overly busy or active environments,
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  spend time in ugly or harsh settings, watch or read depictions of violence.
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  Perhaps you are realizing for the first time in your life that you are a sensitive person.
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  If so, welcome to the club, you are not alone. In fact, you're in good company. Many of
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  history's greatest scholars, artists, leaders and movement builders have been sensitive.
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  Wow, I hope you feel seen by at least some of these if it serves you if you have been searching
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  for language or just confirmation to describe your sensitivity and I know that there are
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  particular ones that are deeply resonated with me, such as you desire depth and emotional
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  intensity in your relationships, transactional service level connections aren't enough for you,
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  and then even the idea of sensitivity to physical environments like I recently realized
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  caffeine is something that I'm very sensitive to, the idea that you read a room well, you read
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  feelings well, you are very deeply affected by other people's feelings and can't just move on
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  from tragic or deeply painful emotions and as it relates to this episode, the paradox where
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  the sensitivity to the beauty but also to the love, to the joy and also to the pain, to the
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  heartbreak to the grief and to the suffering and violence is what also makes you so cold to create
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  and make odds. I do also want to say that these books are always written by very very privileged
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  people and in this case privileged like white scholars who I think you can obviously hear in
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  the language around like you find it difficult to spend time in harsh or ugly settings and the
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  idea that you're just spending time there and then what is an ugly setting and how kind of coded
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  that is in elitist view and a classist view of people who only spend time in harsh settings never
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  remained and then also some of the language about like the types of examples that are given
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  in terms of what you would be sensitive to like a tight waistband and things like that which I
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  actually that's one of them that I was like that's me versus like giving examples of sensitivity
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  to like financial stress or to abuse to more socially severe and emotionally severe examples so I
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  do want to say that I tend to take what I can from these books and leave the rest and or a lot of
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  these examples did really speak to me in terms of some of the gifts of being sensitive and also some
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  of the pains so I hope that you feel seen by these words and I hope that they offer you something
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  that you didn't come into the episode with and I'll put the book in the show notes another thing
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  that I wanted to say is I feel like as a black woman I felt so erased from the notion of sensitivity
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  until I reclaimed it for myself because as a black woman you're always already made to be strong
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  and made to be fearless made to be all of these emotions and we know that like doctors don't even
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  believe that black people feel the experience the same level of pain and that the idea that we
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  have a higher pain tolerance and how dehumanizing that is but also how much that erases our capacity
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  to be sensitive as in in their minds and the imagination of like the the white imagination
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  which so influences how we're treated by people is like if you're never treated as like a subject
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  that could be sensitive and that interacts with race with gender with class with ability with all
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  of these parts of our identity but if you erase someone from the possibility of being sensitive
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  that's going to affect how you regard them how you treat them and what you're willing to ignore
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  when they end your suffering and what we see now is like what about Palestinians who are sensitive
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  you know what I mean and how much more deeply they must be suffering and feeling the pain and the
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  weight and and Congolese people who are sensitive and so who is allowed and who is allowed to be
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  coded as or recognize actually as sensitive I think that is when we think about the opposite
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  of dehumanization which is humanization then it means that there needs to be the humanization the
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  sensitization the humanization and the recognition of the sensitivity I think actually those two
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  things are very connected like because when you're dead you're in sense as in you have no
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  sensitivity you're insensitive you have you can't feel anything when you're alive there's a
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  spectrum as she says of sensitivity that you may experience because it's not just like you are
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  sensitive or you aren't she says it's a spectrum right so if the opposite of being dead is being
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  alive and if the opposite of being if if the opposite of being dead is to be alive and to be alive
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  is to be sensitive then in order to recognize someone's humanity you have to recognize their
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  capacity to be to suffer and to feel and to internalize and when you dehumanize people you remove
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  the sense that they are a suffering subject that they are a sensitive subject and so I think
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  that's very important that a lot of oppressed peoples are capacity to be seen as sensitive is
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  erased and that is used to help justify our oppression the justify the
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  completely disregard for our lives and dignity that we're treated with so I just wanted to say that
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  I think that sensitivity has a much bigger you know conversation to be had in in terms of everything
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  that we're talking about now with respect to speaking out against genocide and colonial violence
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  and capitalist like greed and stuff like that when it comes to Congo and so on so I just wanted to
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  say that um it's very intersectional as well the notion of sensitivity and who's allowed to
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  claim that and also even if you claim it for yourself we're social beings so we need the society
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  to recognize us as such so how can we invite ourselves to like see that any person of any
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  gender of any race of any can be sensitive and has a capacity to be sensitive like for example I
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  think a lot of men and masculine people are erased from the notion of sensitivity which then
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  contributes to their dehumanization and to the erasure of their suffering um many black people
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  many like it's it's across the spectrum many black women so it's not just yeah it's very complicated
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  anyone who is um what is the word masculinized um and then racialized and there's there's many
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  different um identities which I could go on forever on this intersection thing but I want to get
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  back to the paradox of sensitivity so I'm going to read you one more quote and then let's continue
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  with the episode woohoo if you are sensitive everything affects you more I don't even need to
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  tell you that because you already know but you do more with it but you do more with it I think
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  that's so powerful if you're sensitive everything affects you more but you do more with it in fact
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  a better word for sensitive might be responsive if you are a sensitive person your body and mind
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  respond more to the world around you and this is why I touch a form of gaslighting to be like
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  you're overreacting you're too sensitive why are you so sensitive and in this moment that kind
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  of language is being weaponized to literally legitimize and justify and ignore and erase the
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  literal genocidal violence that's happening so now you become the subject that is too something
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  too sensitive overreacting well who is the like who is that calibrated against
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  aren't they underreacting aren't they not sensitive enough and when this takes the word
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  responsive and replaces it with you are literally just responding to the fact that there
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  is violence in the world and you are suffering because of it because that is a natural
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  and human reaction a responsive reaction to a genocide so if you are a sensitive person your body
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  and mind respond more to the world around you you respond more to heartbreak pain and loss but
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  you also respond more to beauty new ideas and joy and I think that's also kind of the paradox
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  of being sensitive is you get both the high highs and the low lows okay you go deep
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  with others only skim the surface you keep thinking when others have given up and moved on to
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  something else if you're like me you feel so seen you feel so seen so see hey hey and isn't
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  it such a delight in this universe to feel seen in a world full of so little seeing and so little
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  being seen I feel like when words see us when words hold us it feels so wonderful and so
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  human and to that note I want to quickly read you a little bit of a poem that I saw yesterday
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  and it's by some person called Sean Thomas Dougherty and the poem is titled why bother and if
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  you're an insecure creative or insecure artist or you're working on something and you're getting
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  to that place where you're feeling defeated or you haven't even started because you're like oh
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  it's just going to take so much out of me why even bother this poem is for you why bother
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  because right now there is someone out there with a wound in the exact shape of your words
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  why bother because right now there is someone out there with a wound in the exact shape of your
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  words isn't that so profound and special and wonderful and I think that is the sensitive artist's
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  dilemma or calling is that why am I even putting myself through this well because somewhere out
• 28:00
  there there is someone with a wound in the exact shape of your words our words all hold each other
• 28:06
  I felt a lot of fear before this episode because I'm sensitive babe and so I feel my feelings
• 28:11
  I'm in touch with them and yet the paradox becomes how can we invite ourselves into seeing our
• 28:20
  emotions as things that are our gifts and that propel us forward as artists or propel us
• 28:28
  closer towards how we want to exist as artists rather than as blockers that prevent us that
• 28:37
  silence us from sharing our own voice I think that this if we can answer this question of what would
• 28:45
  it mean or what would it take for the magic of our emotions to propel us into to tumble us into
• 28:53
  our art and into our voice and sharing it in the way that we deeply feel called to rather than
• 29:01
  that being a poison that literally we sicken and die on like the Audrey Lord essay the transformation
• 29:10
  of silence into language and action that is such a central paradox that we have to navigate
• 29:18
  as sensitive people that we feel so deeply we're so affected we're so moved and we're so attuned
• 29:27
  and in tune and we are living in a reality this is what I said we would come to that tells us we
• 29:36
  are wrong to feel this way that tells us we are overreacting we are too sensitive and so we
• 29:42
  haven't been invited to see the gift the strength the magic of being sensitive and I know many of you
• 29:51
  listening to this may have even done this work and you're like I have no I would not have it any
• 29:55
  other way and that's what how I feel like most of us what we come to is yes I'm sensitive and I
• 30:00
  would not have it any other way I love this about myself and what I'm trying to call in is more
• 30:05
  like-hearted beings who are similarly sensitive because what I'm tired of is one-sided relationships
• 30:12
  I'm tired of listening to people who don't deeply listen to me I'm tired of being someone sensitive
• 30:17
  friend without having a sensitive friend you know so it's more about the magic of this is who I am
• 30:27
  I love this part of me this part of me is something that is so missing in the the consciousness
• 30:34
  that we are taught to have the collective consciousness it exists and yet it's very silence and
• 30:40
  suppressed why because it would mean the downfall of the status quo they need unfeeling desensitized
• 30:47
  people in order to cope with the world that they've created which is a world that is so overly
• 30:52
  stimulating a world that is very loud and prioritizes and prizes very loud voices and a world that
• 30:59
  is rooted in unfeeling and uncaring and looking the other way and doing what you have to do just
• 31:04
  being in this completely robotic state that is now being brought to its fullest expression and
• 31:09
  conclusion with the rise of AI and the types of inhumane questions that are being asked about AI
• 31:14
  and its role in our society something that I've learned recently about is the idea of wisdom
• 31:22
  keepers and it's something that exists in many indigenous traditions but it's actually if you
• 31:27
  think about it it's more like an archetype of being that I think exists in many different
• 31:32
  cultures and families and structures which is this idea that there are members of the society
• 31:39
  who are deeply connected to ancestors to the earth's wisdom to spiritual wisdom and traditions
• 31:46
  and to their own wisdom in the life that they've lived that they become the wisdom keepers of
• 31:53
  the generation and by generation I actually mean the people who are alive at that time
• 31:59
  and I feel like what I love about the idea of a wisdom keeper is it's not institutionally based
• 32:04
  you know already you listening to this if you are a wisdom keeper it's a role that is so
• 32:09
  socially rooted because it's something we are assigned and we assign ourselves in harmony
• 32:16
  with how we exist as social beings it's a relational reality so I know in my life
• 32:23
  I just have connect that there's so many people who say to me wow that conversation we had
• 32:28
  literally changed how I was thinking about this or they'll say I really appreciate that question
• 32:32
  or they just little little glimpses from people of all ages in my life and so it's like I see myself
• 32:38
  as a wisdom keeper and I love that I don't have to there's nothing I can call of like I don't
• 32:42
  have to have it's not about the degrees you have it's not about whether you have a degree it's not
• 32:47
  about it like literally it's how you exist as a being in the world and I feel like there are
• 32:52
  certain people you just think of of oh yes that's a wisdom keeper you just you just know they have
• 32:59
  this within them and they represent this deep wisdom within them and for me it's like that's how
• 33:04
  I've come to see myself as a being on this earth that's why I feel like this podcast is part of my
• 33:09
  calling that's how I see my role part of my role on this earth what I meant to be on this earth
• 33:15
  is a wisdom keeper and a wisdom shareer and I think that idea is so special to me and I particularly
• 33:22
  love the fact that it's just not mediated by anything there's no school you can go to there can
• 33:28
  be in the school of life you don't have to have any certain kind of education or like I just really
• 33:33
  love that it really speaks to me I'm so tired of all of these like I kind of resent the hyper like
• 33:40
  qualification of being okay so I just really love that idea and so what I was thinking with
• 33:46
  respect to this conversation is if there are wisdom keepers they must surely also be feeling keepers
• 33:51
  they must be beings in the collective who carry the emotional I don't want to say that carry
• 33:59
  the emotional reality of the collective and unfortunately they carry a burden because most of
• 34:05
  the collective is so desensitized and often made to be that it becomes this pressing weight
• 34:12
  on the shoulders of the feeling keepers and the feeling keepers it's like if two thousand years
• 34:18
  from now if they were to interview someone from this time about what was happening what did people
• 34:23
  think how did you feel how did how did people feel you would want to speak to a feelings keeper
• 34:28
  you know someone who was deeply in tune with themselves at that time with their feelings with
• 34:33
  their emotions and with the feelings and emotions of the collective you wouldn't want to speak to
• 34:37
  someone who was like oh no everything was fine nothing to see like oh I just keep going to work I
• 34:41
  was I mean it was kind of on my Instagram but like I just keep you know you would want someone who
• 34:46
  deeply could speak to the reality of the time and that deep wisdom that deep feeling is crucial
• 34:53
  to our survival today and to us piercing through into a new world that's not rooted in crushing
• 35:01
  people's feelings and crushing people's sensitivity because so often the people who are no longer
• 35:08
  sensitive or who are not sensitive it's not because they just like in their wildest dreams would
• 35:14
  never be sensitive it's because they've been demonized for it it's because it's been squashed
• 35:19
  out of them it's because it's been you know we're all trying to survive and so I think many people
• 35:23
  have not been allowed to safely be in their emotions since childhood people parents caregivers
• 35:29
  have told us don't be too sensitive don't overthink don't over feel move on keep going you can't
• 35:35
  always think about your feelings because then how will you like make it in the world you actually
• 35:39
  have to silence those thoughts you know mind management control don't be weak that consciousness
• 35:46
  is killing this planet and us and it needs to shift so I think that's really amazing and important
• 35:53
  and at the same time my darling with respect to the topic of conversation which is how this
• 35:59
  affects you as an artist is that it has a deeply silencing effect it stops you from sharing your
• 36:08
  voice so what I believe is like if the paradox is also like we need our artists to feel encouraged
• 36:18
  to make art and to share it if they want to because I love that Tony Cade Bambara quote which is
• 36:24
  the artist's job is to make the revolution irresistible and I think about that so often isn't that
• 36:31
  such a profound quote I literally get chills the artist's role is to make the revolution irresistible
• 36:40
  and then when all of us sensitive people are too scared of our own ideas and too scared of being
• 36:45
  judged and too scared of taking that step and we haven't been taught okay babe how do I work
• 36:50
  in the face of fear because trust me I'm terrified and I'm always going to be terrified I just don't
• 36:55
  see a day like but before this episode for days even sometimes and today I was thinking oh my word
• 37:03
  another one and then I got going and it was like yes but if we leave art making to the ones who
• 37:10
  have no fear who's the kind of person who's going to make art if we leave art making to the
• 37:15
  confident ones who's going to make art and you can already see it in the collective and in fame and
• 37:20
  in you know all of these things and it's it's so tied to we need people who are willing to show up
• 37:27
  and say okay there is fear there is there is fear of judgment of criticism there's resistance
• 37:34
  there is shame I'm not good enough I'm not worthy who am I to be doing this I'm too old I'm too young
• 37:41
  I'm too ugly I'm too poor I'm too anything the society has told me I don't deserve to be in this
• 37:48
  position but I'm going to say the fear is here the shame is here but it's a wave and I'm the ocean
• 37:55
  you know what I mean it's a wave we sometimes get so consumed by the overwhelm the perfectionism the
• 38:02
  fear we don't know how to say this isn't the ocean this is a wave it's it's here and when you start
• 38:11
  to make that shift of like this is part of me but this doesn't have to become me this doesn't have
• 38:17
  to block me entirely from expressing my voice this is part of the human experience and my
• 38:23
  achievement to it is part of my experience as a sensitive person and I'm going to use energy
• 38:29
  like use alchemize that energy that sensitivity to create my work and do my work create my art and do
• 38:37
  my art but when that sensitivity is saying oh this is scary oh you're not good enough oh you're
• 38:43
  unworthy which is of course words shaped by a life lived in a paradigm of shame in a paradigm of
• 38:50
  othering in a paradigm of anti-blackness in a paradigm of patriarchy in a paradigm of all of the
• 38:55
  isms that you are deeply affected by I'm going to say okay that's there that voice is there
• 39:02
  but it's a branch on the tree it's not the whole tree it's a wave in the ocean it's not the
• 39:06
  whole ocean it's a cloud in the sky and it's deep and it's full and it's just full of water that
• 39:12
  wants to rain on me and just like never let me be be great um and by great I just mean live my
• 39:18
  truth but it's not the whole sky just listening back to this episode I do want to say sometimes
• 39:26
  it is the whole ocean sometimes it is the whole sky sometimes it is the whole tree and that has to
• 39:31
  be okay sometimes the overwhelm will stop you and from a kind of anti-ablest view I feel like the
• 39:40
  idea that you it's never okay to be completely consumed by the things that deeply affect us is
• 39:46
  of course not true and not correct so I want to amend that and say of course there's nuance here
• 39:52
  of course take care of yourself of course forgive yourself when the overwhelm is too much to bear
• 39:57
  because you're an individual and you are surrounded by a society a culture a collective being that
• 40:06
  is toxic to your not only creativity but like life and so I feel like when it is the whole ocean
• 40:13
  when it is the whole sky and when you're grappling with also of course is such a range of
• 40:17
  mental health experiences that people have as they're listening to this and so if for you
• 40:22
  you're suffering from chronic depression anxiety or any of those things I obviously don't want
• 40:27
  to come across as like being insensitive of just like oh it's just a wave it's just a run it's
• 40:33
  just a cloud like that's not true that's not true it can be completely debilitating and take all
• 40:41
  the time you need and forgive yourself because you can't on your own solve a whole life and history
• 40:49
  and background and culture and society and all of the things that have come at you in a certain
• 40:52
  way so I do want to be gentle and amend what I said because I think it does kind of fall into that
• 40:59
  like just think about it differently just have a different mindset just conceive of your reality
• 41:05
  differently and will become a new reality and it's like if only it were that simple and I think
• 41:09
  that can be a form of gas lighting as well I love you so much please do take care of yourself
• 41:14
  and I'm going to go back to the episode as it is but if it did speak to you and you do feel like
• 41:19
  sometimes you let it become the ocean when it doesn't have to be I hope these words can offer
• 41:24
  you something and I hope that you can make this experience than this episode what is most
• 41:30
  meaningful to you I always feel like we're co-creating something together I say what I have to say
• 41:35
  you take it and you do with it what will make it something more beautiful something more meaningful
• 41:40
  and by that I mean the spiritual kind of beauty and I trust you and I trust that you are doing that
• 41:45
  and I hope that you have some level of trust in me as well okay love you so much and back to the
• 41:51
  episode and this sensitivity within me I don't get to just take the good things and leave the
• 41:57
  risk that's not how it works unfortunately a holistic life means we get all of it and so I know
• 42:05
  that it's my sensitivity that allows me to speak from a place of love from a place of feeling and
• 42:15
  at the same time every single time to feel I didn't say enough why did I say it this way not that
• 42:20
  way how did I come across like this why did I come across like I don't care about this why
• 42:26
  did I not acknowledge that I have thought about that this every single episode I'm gonna make an
• 42:30
  episode that says there'll always be more to say and there'll always be more to know because yes
• 42:36
  that is there but I will not allow it to completely stop me it's just not is I'm not gonna allow it
• 42:41
  to stop me okay I saw this deeply sad comment on a TikTok yesterday where it was about friendship
• 42:48
  breakups was really sad and emotive and someone commented this is why I'm never gonna get close
• 42:53
  to anyone again and that is sensitivity used as a weapon against us and against the collective
• 42:59
  because that person is hurting they feel betrayed they feel deeply they're grieving they're mourning
• 43:05
  they feel angry they feel deeply hurt and let down and disappointed and instead of
• 43:12
  alchemizing that energy into how can I take the lessons I learned from this relationship deeply
• 43:18
  grieve it grieve the future we were supposed to have as best friends grieve the past and the
• 43:23
  memories that will continue to come up and the songs that will remind me of them and the movies
• 43:27
  that will remind me of them and the experiences I wish we had had and how can I say I'm not going
• 43:31
  to let this close me off I'm actually gonna tap even deeper into the wisdom of my sensitivity
• 43:40
  so in relationships as well sometimes we let our sensitivity be a blocker towards connection
• 43:47
  instead of expanding it because we're so attuned to how much people can hurt us that sometimes
• 43:52
  we then block ourselves or from the position of being able to be hurt which is what that person
• 43:56
  was doing saying I'm just never gonna put myself in a position to hurt again and we hear this
• 44:00
  all the time I'll never love again I'll never trust again and I understand where that comes from
• 44:04
  and I don't want to diminish how painful an experience had to have been for you to not literally
• 44:12
  believe in love which is love is the ultimate reality and love is an abundant potential that
• 44:17
  exists on this earth I know it doesn't feel that way because society hasn't been structured in that
• 44:22
  way but love is something that is always going to be available for us to tap into as an energy
• 44:29
  as a reality as a way of moving through the world and so just as as sensitive artists we cannot
• 44:37
  let our sensitivity stop us from artting from creating and we can't let all the negative emotions
• 44:44
  that come up become the full experience of our art we similarly in our relationships
• 44:51
  needs to learn when our sensitivity is actually being used as a weapon against us and against each
• 44:56
  other so this can also come up in the form of things like resentment and anger and fear like all
• 45:04
  of these things are things that we feel but sensitivity doesn't only mean like sensitive to love and
• 45:10
  to you know pain and grief and heartbreak it also means anger it also means holding grudges it also
• 45:16
  means being resentful and holding onto bitterness it also means envy oh my word I have to do an
• 45:24
  episode on that I keep telling you how envy has plagued me in my life but how I've learned
• 45:31
  what envy is actually trying to say to me and it's been very life changing so we also need to be
• 45:37
  creative in how we approach our emotions and never let our sensitivity block us from connection
• 45:44
  and connection looks like relationships but connection also looks like our creations that's
• 45:51
  connection connection with ourselves even if you create for yourself I'm not always obviously
• 45:56
  I come from a specific orientation which is like sharing things but you don't have to share
• 46:00
  everything you create you don't have to share anything you create but you deserve to create in
• 46:04
  spite of the fear in spite of the doubt in spite of the resistance in spite of the feelings of shame
• 46:08
  and avoidance and I'm not good enough and I'm not perfect enough and this could be so much better
• 46:13
  oh this was so much better in my imagination oh my standards are so much higher than my capabilities
• 46:17
  and my talent and when will this gap close and it just terrible to be a beginner and this is so
• 46:21
  embarrassing shifting that emotional wisdom into something more loving I want to end this
• 46:30
  episode with a quote from Rick Rubin's book the book is called the Creative Act the chapter
• 46:36
  is called self-doubt and I was feeling that so I went and listened to that chapter again and
• 46:42
  all of this came up and it was so funny because I was like oh my word is this where I learned this
• 46:47
  idea from the idea of like the paradox of being sensitive but then I really think we pretend like
• 46:52
  there's this ownership of ideas it's a very also colonial understanding of like property and ownership
• 46:58
  and I came up with this idea like no you know what I mean we're all coming up with ideas because
• 47:03
  we're all going through a human experience and then some people are writing books about it and
• 47:06
  making a tick talk about it but how often in the comment section do we see oh my what I've
• 47:10
  thought about this for so long it doesn't mean that creator came up with the idea we're all it's
• 47:15
  like we're breathing in we're saying oh no this is my air this I kept this is my air because I
• 47:20
  breathe that we're all breathing air we don't we co-own the air and ideas are in nature and ideas I
• 47:28
  think the manifestation of ideas is something that is very unique to the being but the idea itself
• 47:32
  the source of the idea I think we're all tapped into a source that's what I believe and the
• 47:39
  book speaks about this as well so let's listen to Rick Rubin and I'm going to play a clip for you
• 47:45
  from his book the people who choose to do art are many times the most vulnerable there are singers
• 47:54
  considered among the best in the world who can't bring themselves to listen to their own voice
• 47:59
  and these are not rare exceptions many artists in different arenas have similar issues
• 48:05
  the sensitivity that allows them to make art is the same vulnerability that makes them more tender
• 48:13
  to being judged still many continue to share their work and risk criticism in spite of this
• 48:19
  it's as if they have no other choice being an artist is who they are and they're made
• 48:25
  whole their self expression if a creator is so afraid of judgment that they're unable to move
• 48:32
  forward it might be that they desire to share the work isn't as strong as they desire to protect
• 48:37
  themselves perhaps art isn't their role their temperament might serve a different pursuit this path
• 48:44
  is not for everyone adversity is part of the process we're not obligated to follow this calling
• 48:52
  because we have a talent or skill it's worth remembering that we are blessed to get to create
• 48:59
  it's a privilege we're choosing it we're not being ordered to do this if we'd rather not do it
• 49:06
  let's not do it some successful artists are deeply insecure self sabotaging struggling with
• 49:12
  addiction or facing other obstacles to making and sharing their work an unhealthy self image or
• 49:19
  hardship in life can fuel great art creating a deep well of insight and emotion for an artist to
• 49:25
  draw from they can also get in the way of the artist being able to make many things over a long
• 49:31
  period of time people who are particularly challenged in this sense generally can't produce
• 49:37
  creative work over and over again this isn't because they're not artistically capable but because
• 49:43
  they were only able to break through their own issues one or two times and share great work
• 49:49
  one of the reasons so many create artists die of overdoses early in their lives is because
• 49:53
  they're using drugs to numb a very painful existence the reason it's painful is the reason they
• 50:00
  become artists in the first place they're incredible sensitivity if you see tremendous beauty or
• 50:07
  tremendous pain where other people see the little or nothing at all you're confronted with big
• 50:12
  feelings all the time these emotions can be confusing and overwhelming when those around you
• 50:18
  don't see what you see and feel what you feel this can lead to a sense of isolation and a general
• 50:24
  feeling of not belonging of otherness these charged emotions powerful and expressed in the work
• 50:33
  are the same dark clouds that beg to be numb to allow sleep or to get out of bed and face the day
• 50:39
  in the morning it's a blessing and a curse
• 50:48
  I'm going to do an episode on how anything can be used against us or for us
• 50:56
  so a knife for example a knife can be used to cut fruit or bread and share between friends
• 51:03
  a knife can be used to offer a piece of art to someone you know if you've carved it out of
• 51:10
  something but it can also be used as you know to harm to kill to violate a stone or a rock can be
• 51:18
  used to make a piece of art that can be given as an offerings your beloved it can be used as a
• 51:25
  reprieve from the from a long walk with friends you could sit down on the rock and say oh I'm so
• 51:31
  tired thank goodness for this rock for being here in front of me or it can be used to persecute
• 51:38
  to harm to abuse and so how can we think of our sensitivity in a similar way it can be used
• 51:48
  for us to demonize ourselves you're not good enough you're going to disappoint so many people
• 51:53
  if you do this everyone's going to be so rattled by you stepping into this version of yourself
• 51:59
  they've never seen before and so you can't do that you can't bring that up for them
• 52:05
  you can't have the difficult conversation because it's just gonna bring up so much shame for you
• 52:09
  so don't have the conversation at all avoid it or it can be used as wow I felt so in tune today
• 52:18
  I'm gonna just create a song about that feeling wow I fell in love on the train today
• 52:24
  I'm going to create a song about that wow I'm feeling a deep sense of grief I'm going to be
• 52:30
  the words that someone's wound is calling for wow I'm so angry that I have to live in complete
• 52:41
  misalignment with my values by continuing as if everything is normal when I'm literally processing
• 52:47
  videos and images of literal genocide and abuse and harm and violence and suffering against my
• 52:55
  siblings Congolese people Palestinian people Sudanese people I will write something about this so
• 53:04
  that I can try to put this feeling into words and give my words as an offering to the collective
• 53:12
  and in so doing I'm going to attract like-hearted people to my universe and maybe we could even
• 53:19
  form a community together so this is your invitation to let your sensitivity be the water that you
• 53:28
  drink that hydrates you that nourishes you rather than the water that you drown in I love you so
• 53:36
  much and I'm sending you all my love goodbye I hope some paradigms have been shifted for you in
• 53:41
  today's conversation as always if you can please leave a five star rating on apple and Spotify
• 53:46
  like comment subscribe I love you so so much okay I love you join me on my sub-slag links in the
• 53:54
  comment section go there okay love you so much love you bye