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Is It My Trauma, Or Is It The Relationship? · Trauma Free Relationship

0:00
Welcome back to trauma free relationship podcast.
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I am so glad that you are here in this episode.
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Now it's a big one because it's a question almost everyone with
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relational trauma asks at some point.
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And the question is this, is it my trauma or is it the
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relationship? So on today's podcast, we're
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going to explore how to tell the difference, what red flags to
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look out for, and how to trust yourself when confusion and self
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doubt take over. So if you've ever asked
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yourself, am I overreacting? Am I being too sensitive?
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Is this really not OK? This episode is for you.
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Welcome to trauma free relationship.
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I'm your host, Tom Phil and I've been working for years with
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adults who struggle with relational trauma to regain
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trust in themselves and others so that they can experience a
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safe and secure relationship. Let's get started, OK?
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As I said at the opening, this one's a special 1 today because
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this one is something that I think all trauma survivors at
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some point when they're in a relationship, ask themself, and
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that is, is it me? Is it my trauma, or is it the
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relationship? And how do they tease that
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apart? How do they tell the difference
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between perhaps an overreaction on their part or reading danger
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when there really isn't danger versus something that's not OK
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in the relationship? And when I'm working with a lot
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of my individuals, working with a lot of my couples, this is
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something I really helped them learn how to do.
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How do we tease that apart? How do we know the difference
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between, oh, this must be something from my trauma that's
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coming up for me right now, not necessarily something that's in
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the relationship itself. So if you've been abandoned, if
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you've been rejected, betrayed, or for prolonged periods of time
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felt unsafe in your relationships in the past, then
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your nervous system has primed you to protect yourself.
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And as I've said thousands of times on this channel and
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probably will say thousands more, you are made for
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protection as much as you are made for connection.
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Those two systems within you are are you're just born with them.
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They're there and they're somewhat of equal balance, at
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least before trauma happens. So your body being primed to
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protect you is doing what it's supposed to do.
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This is this is not something that's broken inside of you.
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This is something that's working the way it's supposed to work so
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you don't look, get re traumatized when you come across
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something similar. It's there to protect you,
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whether that might look like hyper vigilance, meaning seeing
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danger where there may not be any danger, or it might look
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like shutting down, avoiding closeness, or even maybe
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questioning your worth when somebody gets too close
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emotionally, too near, too connected to you.
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These types of things are in place because your body has
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learned to adapt to a situation or many situations that were
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adverse in your life and in your relationship.
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So yes, sometimes the problem is the trauma.
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Sometimes the problem is the pattern of protection that you
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have adopted and the strategy you've adopted in order to keep
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yourself safe. But then, as we're also going to
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learn today, sometimes it's not the trauma, sometimes it is the
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relationship. So when you feel a wave of panic
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when your partner doesn't text you back right away, let's say
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your nervous system remembers what it feels like to be
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abandoned. And so when all of a sudden a
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little time goes by and you start to have those feelings of
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abandonment, then your protective part takes over and
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says, don't worry, I'll take it from here because that really
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hurts and I don't want you to feel that way.
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So now we're going to start getting really angry and we're
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going to start thinking this person doesn't care about you.
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And we're going to start projecting these fears onto our
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partner. And we're going to start
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thinking, well, they're just too busy or I'm unimportant for them
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to be able to respond to me. It's thinking about anything
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that might be able to lessen that hurt and protect that hurt,
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whether it's true or not, it's going to project that onto the
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to the partner. And so you might pull away
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because of that. You might shut down your partner
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might a few hours later text you back and you see it and you
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think, oh, now they've got the time.
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And so you refuse to text them back.
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And that's because that trauma that hurt often times is
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actually driving your interactions with your partner.
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And So what we want to do today is we want to be able to sort of
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tease this apart and find out if it's the relationship or if it's
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the trauma. All right, here's some, here's
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some ideas. But one big question I want to
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ask you first, because this one question I think in part really
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defines whether you whether it might be your trauma or whether
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it might be the relationship. And here's here's the question.
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And then we're going to get to some of these other signs.
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But one of the big questions I have is ask yourself, is my
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partner emotionally available and responsive to my needs?
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Now that sounds short and simple, but really in reality,
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it's huge because what that means is that more often than
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not, your partner shows up for you.
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Your partner tries to work with you when you get triggered.
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Your partner tries to give you a different experience than the
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one that created your trauma. Your partner is emotionally
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available and responsive to your needs.
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Now, does that mean they're always perfect at it?
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Absolutely not. No human being can be.
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So there are times when they're not available or there are times
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when they're simply in a different emotional place and
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they just can't give you what you need in that moment.
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Maybe they feel like they've been accused or attacked
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repeatedly, and so they're just shut down in that moment.
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Well, then that by the time you decide to get vulnerable, maybe
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they're just in an emotional place where they can't respond
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to that. So I'm not talking about
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perfection here. I'm talking about by and large,
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can you answer that question? Is my partner emotionally
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available and responsive to my needs?
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Do I feel safe with my partner? Emotionally safe?
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And as I've said before, and I'll, I'll say again, I'm not
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talking about physical safety here.
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You should never, ever, ever be with somebody that makes you
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feel physically unsafe. So I'm talking about emotional
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safety here and especially as it right relates to past trauma.
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So that's one big question I just want you sort of to chew on
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because that I think is overarching of all these other
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signs. But let's let's get into some of
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these. So how do I know if the the
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relationship is safe or not? Well, first of all, are there
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patterns of disrespect, meaning that when you set a boundary,
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are those boundaries ignored? Are they minimized or dismissed?
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So that may not be trauma, that actually may be mistreatment.
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You may be with somebody who who literally doesn't respect your
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boundaries when you set them, when you say no or that doesn't
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work for me or I wouldn't, I don't want to do that.
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I'd rather do this or whatever. And and that can get tricky
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because it feels like then you're controlling your partner
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and they might even use that. You're so controlling, but but
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that's where that's where this line comes in that we're trying
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to tease apart today. There may be a difference
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between control versus what you need a boundary you need to set
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to be safe. So patterns of disrespect with
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your boundaries. How about a lack of emotional
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safety? The big question I just asked a
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minute ago, do you feel like you can share your feelings with
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your partner? Do they show up and listen and
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take those feelings seriously? Or they do they tend to shy away
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from them, deny, ignore. Do they shame you or attack you
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or mock you for having those feelings?
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That is very, very toxic in a relationship.
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If you're showing up trying to be vulnerable with your partner
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and what you get in return is somebody who tends to mock you,
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shame you, or attack you for feeling that way, that is not a
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healthy relationship. How about gaslighting or
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manipulation? If your partner twists your
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words or makes you doubt your reality, or tends to blame you
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for everything, then that's certainly a huge red flag in
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your relationship and can be very one sided.
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Right. Relationships require
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reciprocity. They give a little to you, you
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give a little to them, and if you're always the one repairing
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or apologizing or giving in, then there's an imbalance there.
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If you're with a partner, and I see this with men and I see this
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with women, and certainly I see this with gay and lesbian
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couples as well, if you're with a partner that just doesn't ever
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apologize, that's a problem. You need to have a partner that
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takes accountability, not for the whole thing, but at least
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for their role in it. You need to have a partner that
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can come back to you and they can say I'm sorry I use that
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tone or I'm sorry I use that word, or, you know, I'm sorry I
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said that thing. I really don't mean that.
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I was just angry in the moment and my protection came out and
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it was just it. It attacks when it does that and
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I don't even like that part of me.
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So they need to be able to take accountability.
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That's often times what an apology is.
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It's just simply one partner coming to the other and taking
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accountability for their role in what happened.
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And so if things are lopsided, if there's not reciprocity or
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give and take in the relationship, then that can feel
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very out of balance. And then how about if fear
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outweighs joy? If you find yourself in a
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relationship where you're walking on egg shells more than
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you're relaxed, if you're scared of your partner's reaction more
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than they feel like a safe place to land for you, then this to me
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is a big indication. And it doesn't mean that it's
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all your partner's fault, but it may mean that this particular
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person just doesn't understand how to work with you, given that
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you have some past trauma. And so every relationships going
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to have conflict. But if you spend more time being
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anxious or on edge or second guessing then you do feeling
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safe and connected, then something's probably off.
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You're just not feeling like this person is a safe resource
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for you in your life. O those are some ways that we
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can look at the situation and begin to tease apart, is this my
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trauma or is this the relationship?
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And as I just said, sometimes it can be your relationship.
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Sometimes there's just patterns that build up in your
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relationship that are unhealthy for you.
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And if that's the case, then it also might be heightening or
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triggering your trauma more often as well.
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So where do people get stuck then?
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Because their trauma responses and the unhealthy dynamics, they
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can feel so familiar in a relationship, right?
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If you have a history of abandonment and you're with
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somebody who continues to abandon you, then, and I've said
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this on other podcasts, then you're actually drawn to this
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familiar feeling. So it's really hard to make
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yourself want to do something different.
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It's hard to be able to give yourself a different experience
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or set a boundary and stick to it.
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Or if you're determined to really leave and truly leave and
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don't come back instead of yo yoing back and forth.
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Because in some ways, your body is drawn to this response.
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It's familiar with it. And so here's a few things that
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you need to be able to work on in order to determine whether
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this is your trauma or whether this is the relationship.
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And the first thing is check in with your body when your partner
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forgets to call, do you feel a full body panic?
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Do you feel anxious or on edge? And the example I used earlier
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with the, the text that you send your partner and usually your
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partner, you know, 90% of the time text you right back right
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away. But all of a sudden they're not
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texting you back. And your thoughts don't run to,
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oh, he had that big meeting today or oh, he's probably at
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the gym or oh, she had that, that sit down with her boss.
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I think it was right at this time.
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She's probably not available, whatever it might be.
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Then your thoughts don't run to something that's reasonable.
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It runs to something that is exaggerated and that throws
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panic into your body. So if you bring it up and they
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tend to dismiss it or laugh at you or tell you it's too much.
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Hey, I got a little nervous today.
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You know, my, you know, I get kind of triggered sometimes when
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you didn't text me back right away.
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Can you, can you just tell me what took you so long?
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I just need that reassurance. And they'd, Oh my gosh, you're
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overreacting. Oh, I can't believe we're doing
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this again. And and they, they're not able
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to give you that reassurance. They're not going to say, oh,
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babe, I'm, I'm so sorry. Yeah, I was, I was in that exact
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meeting. And then I went from that one to
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another unexpected meeting or, you know, I was out on the job
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site and I left my phone in the car, totally forgot it or
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whatever it might be. But they're able to give you
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that reassurance. Then your body's going to be
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sort of the first line of defense.
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Your body's going to be the first place that's going to tell
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you something's not right, something's not wrong, or
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something is wrong. Excuse me.
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The second thing is to look for repair.
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So in healthy relationships, when when harm happens, when
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there are disagreements, when there's disruptions, as there
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are because we're human beings, do both parties take
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accountability and work towards repair?
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Now in this podcast, I have talked a ton about the rupture
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and repair process and how important it is for couples to
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be able to learn how to repair. So being able to have a partner
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that can come to you at times and they don't constantly hide
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or deflect or ignore or sweep under the rug what just
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happened, but they can actually come back and initiate that
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repair. That's really important.
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And then having yourself be able to separate the past from the
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present. And that's essentially what
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we're doing here. How can we tease apart something
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that might be coming up for me in the past versus something
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that's really happening in the present?
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Is my reaction about this specific moment, or does it feel
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bigger, like it connects the dots to old wounds?
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So is my reaction disproportionate to the
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situation? Sometimes.
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That is often a, a cue or signpost that that this is
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coming from a past hurt, coming from past trauma, because our
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reaction seems so much bigger. It seems so much more
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disproportionate to the situation than what's really
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called for. And, and if your reactions don't
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match the situation, then oftentimes that's because the
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response inside of you feels so much bigger as well.
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And that's because probably it's hitting some past trauma, it's
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hitting a wound, and that wound is screaming at that moment for
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any kind of help, reassurance, protection, anything that would
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allow it to be able to calm down or to get a response that that
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allows it to to heal a little bit in that moment.
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Unfortunately, what happens more often than not is when you have
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a big response that might be disproportionate to the
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situation that causes your partner to have a big response
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as well. And so this is where we see
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cycles that tend to escalate. Conflicts might start very
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small, but then they tend to escalate as opposed to being
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able to de escalate, but being able to notice in your body, oh,
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this feels, this feels big. This feels maybe bigger than
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what the situation really calls for.
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And so being able to learn that and being able to modulate or or
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regulate that kind of response so that you can then be able to
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practice some self soothing techniques and meet the moment
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as the moment demands, meet the moment at the level of emotional
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reaction that it deserves and that it's AT and not come in so
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hot or conversely, come in so cold, right.
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If if, if your partner, I don't know, you know, is cooking
18:29
dinner and they they they cut their finger pretty severely.
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You don't want to come in really cold and uncaring either.
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You know, you want to show the appropriate reaction there.
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Oh, my gosh. OK, we got to get you to a
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hospital. Wrap it in this.
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All right, here we go. Let's get in the car.
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Right. That would be sort of an
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appropriate. You don't want to.
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Oh, yeah, that's a pretty deep cut.
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Wow. How did you do that?
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Let's walk through that together.
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And your partner's all in a panic.
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No, that would be a response that's not exactly appropriate
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to the situation. So, you know, with our nervous
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system, we can go fight flight or we can go freeze and fawn.
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And so we can go above sometimes or we can even go below and a
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fawn response is actually up in the the fight or flight area.
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But the freeze and the disassociation that we
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experienced sometimes that is down below the window of
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tolerance. So it's where we kind of go numb
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inside. So those are some ways that you
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can sort of check in with yourself and say, look, you
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know, it is, is this coming from me or is this coming from my
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relationship? Is my relationship?
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Is my partner gaslighting me? Do I constantly feel like I'm
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walking on egg shells 'cause I'm scared about their their big
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response? Do I, do I feel more fearful
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than I do happy being with this person?
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Is my body giving me clues and signs that I'm just not feeling
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safe? Does my partner ever come back
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and and initiate repair or is it me that always does that?
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And can I look at these situations and go, OK, this was
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a response that was larger than the moment dictated because
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probably it hit a a, a wound inside of me.
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And when that happens, I tend to respond real big or I tend to to
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freeze and disassociate. And so I have very little
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response and nothing my partner can do can get me to respond
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emotionally in that moment. I just completely shut down no
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matter what might happen. And so looking for these two
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kinds of responses. And this is the beauty and the
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power of of learning about insecure attachments style is
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that it teaches us how our body tends to respond to
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disconnection in our relationships.
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And so being able to notice that is going to be really important
21:00
for you to be able to determine and tease apart.
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Is this reaction me or is it the situation?
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So trauma teaches us to doubt our feelings.
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It it teaches us to silence our needs, and at times it teaches
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us to believe that we're just too much.
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So it's really important that as you begin to work on these
21:23
things, what you're actually doing is rebuilding trust in
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yourself. You need to be able to trust
21:30
your own emotional reactions. You need to be able to trust the
21:33
signals your body's telling you and not override them.
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When your body says yeah, you don't feel safe with your
21:40
partner, you do feel like you're constantly worried about his or
21:44
her response to bring up anything sensitive.
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No matter how often you might approach your partner in the
21:50
best way or try to remain really calm, or let them know that you
21:53
don't want this to be an argument, but there's something
21:55
really important you want to talk about, it doesn't matter.
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There's still this part inside of you that doesn't trust
22:03
yourself and doesn't trust your partner.
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And so a couple of things you could do.
22:09
You can journal some of these experiences.
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So just take the next week or two and notice what tends to
22:15
happen in your relationship. Do you tend to feel more anxious
22:20
or nervous around your partner even when there's not conflict?
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Or do you tend to notice that you're having these big
22:27
disproportionate emotional reactions to the situation, even
22:31
if it's not necessarily called for it?
22:33
And so does your partner run right through your boundaries?
22:37
You know, some of those other things we talked about as well,
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do they tend to be very one sided in in terms of apologizing
22:47
or taking accountability, things like that?
22:50
Just notice some of the stuff we've talked to throughout this
22:53
podcast that can help you determine and tease apart.
22:58
OK, I can see times where it's definitely my trauma or I see
23:03
that my reaction to something actually creates more of an
23:06
argument and it escalates things than if things weren't if I
23:12
didn't have such a big reaction. Now I can also see times where
23:17
my partner it does not always make me feel safe.
23:21
My partner does is not always available and emotionally
23:25
responsive to my feelings. Even when I'm not having these
23:28
big reactions now I get it's under it's hard when my partner
23:32
can't reach me during those times when I'm triggered, I'm in
23:35
fight or flight. But even when I'm not, my
23:38
partner's still not able to soften and be that really soft
23:43
place for me to land and feel safe.
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So you can just journal these the the next couple of weeks and
23:50
just notice what kind of responses you get.
23:53
Take take notice of the interactions you have with your
23:57
partner and it it might be 5050, it might be 7030, whatever it
24:02
might be, that's a starting place for you to begin to figure
24:06
out, is it my trauma or is it the relationship?
24:11
Thank you so much for listening. As always, I really appreciate
24:15
it. I really hope this was helpful
24:16
today. My name is Tom Phillip, and I'm
24:19
reminding you to stay grounded, clear and connected.
24:35
Yes.