Latest / Beyond the Facade with Choose Recovery Services and Blueprint Institute / 103: Why Knowing Better Doesn't Always Mean Doing Better

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103: Why Knowing Better Doesn't Always Mean Doing Better · Beyond the Facade with Choose Recovery Services and Blueprint Institute

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Have you ever noticed that some of the smartest men in recovery
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are still struggling? Like, they've read the books,
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they know their triggers, they can explain like childhood
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wounds, they've done some of that inner child work, they
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understand maybe even their attachment style, and they can
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tell you exactly why they act out.
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And yet they're still stuck. Like, why?
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Because here's the deal information.
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It's not transformation. They're not the same thing.
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So that's what we want to talk about today.
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And Alan is here with us, which is always exciting.
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Welcome to Beyond the Facade podcast.
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I'm your host, Luke Gordon, and I'm thrilled to have you join me
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in this space today. What we're going to be doing is
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diving deep into the trials and triumphs and truths of seeking
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authenticity. Becoming your true self isn't
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about a single action or a moment.
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It's a relentless pursuit, a commitment to self that reveals
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the rich connection and meaning that our life has to offer.
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So whether this is your first time tuning in or you're a
0:58
regular listener, know this. What you're building here goes
1:01
beyond a conversation. You're here to challenge, to
1:04
change, and to celebrate the incredible journey of becoming
1:07
your authentic self. Because when you dare to show up
1:09
fully, the rewards are immeasurable.
1:12
So welcome to Beyond the Facade. Let's get started.
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Alana, I'm glad that you're back here hanging out with us again.
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I typically wanted you to be a part of this episode because I
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don't know, I feel like you're just going to have knowing the
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title episode is why I'm knowing better doesn't mean doing better
1:31
and be able to drag out some of the stuff points with me.
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It would be awesome. So thank you so much for being
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here. Let's first of all start with
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the recovery expert trap. I want to talk about the man who
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becomes a recovery expert. He's done so many things.
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He's done the intensives, he's done the groups.
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He the addiction cycle, he's mapped it out.
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Trauma. He knows what his trauma is or
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past traumas. The attachment stuff, he knows
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it. He's got some boundaries down,
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but the life's not really changing for him.
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There's knowledge. Sometimes their knowledge
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creates understanding, but that's true.
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But practice creates transformation.
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I want to give you a simple example.
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So you can read 10 books about swimming, but eventually you
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have to get in the water. And Alana, I know as I told you
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about this episode, you said about getting in the water.
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What does that look like? So do you want to add to that
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Alana? Oh OK click back story.
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When I was a little girl we were required to do some swimming
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lessons. It was non negotiable.
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My mom said no, you will all do swimming lessons.
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And so she signed us up and I was good for the first chunk of
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swimming lessons is you got in the water and you practice
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blowing bubbles and dipping your head.
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And I was OK with that. But in my swimming lessons we
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got to this place where we had to learn the side breathing and
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we had to swim across the pool. And I will tell you, I could
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learn all day long about the concept of side breathing, but
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it was a very different to get in the pool and actually have to
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learn to put my face in the water and then lift my face out
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and breathe air and then put my face back in the water and then
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lift my face out and breathe air.
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And for whatever reason, it scared the crap out of me.
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I hated it. I hated it with a passion.
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And there's this period between, like, I learned about it, I
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heard about it even on the wall, we practice it and it was OK.
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But there was something about getting out in the middle of the
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water and having to do the side breathing that until I learned
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how to do it, I called it the zone.
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And sorry, our podcast editors like Lana don't swear 'cause I
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take those out the crap zone, then I don't know what other
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zone to call it. About worse.
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You all know what I'm talking about, OK, But in this zone
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between the learning about it and then doing it well or even
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being competent, maybe not even like mastering it, but being
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competent at it, there is this zone that it just feels really
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hard and crappy and difficult and I hated it.
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And I had to take that Class A couple of different times.
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Side note, a lot of times when I learned something, I learned it
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really well. And I go on and I do it.
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Well, that was not me in swimming.
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It's kind of like me and riding my motorcycle.
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It has not come easy for me. It scares me.
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And it's very frustrating because I own a motorcycle, I
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have a motorcycle's license, and I still don't feel very
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comfortable on my motorcycle because I'm still in that crab
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zone where it still doesn't feel good yet.
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And I feel like what happens is a lot of people learn about
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recovery and they learn the tools, but to actually really
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practice them, you have to step into that zone and be willing to
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have it feel really difficult and really hard.
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It has to be. You have to be willing to go
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through that uncomfort of the growth zone to be able to move
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forward. And I think a lot of times,
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especially if we're talking about addiction, where you've
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avoided discomfort most of your life, that's where people get
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stuck as they're not willing to step into and be in the
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discomfort to really learn how to master it and move through
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it. Was that really long winded?
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That felt long winded, no? It wasn't long with the.
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I need a drink after that it didn't fill water.
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Water is what I'm talking about. You're.
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Talking about swimming and barely be able to breathe and
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you're like now I need to drink. In parts, now in.
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Parts I It's interesting and I wasn't planning on talking about
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this, but I used to be in the cells world and we did so much
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role plays, so many. And I love doing role plays in
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my group. So it's frankly, it's fun for
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me. Not for them so much, but
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they're like, OK, so if you want to teach somebody a concept, you
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I wish I could remember this, some of you who are going to
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know this and say it before I can say it, but you teach
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somebody a concept and then you'd show them the concept and
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then you'd have them do it and then you had to go through these
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levels. I think there was more to that,
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but teach it to them, show it to them, let them do it.
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And I think there was something else really to integrate that
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information. So it can feel really good to
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learn a concept and have it fit and resonate.
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But it doesn't mean it's stuck. It doesn't mean it sticks.
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And the amount of times that we've went through some type of
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practicing, it takes a lot. Our brain loves insight so much.
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And that aha moment feels good. It's we feel hopeful, we feel
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some movement, we feel some progress, but understanding the
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problem is not the same thing as solving the problem.
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So just notice that and let's talk about where the real change
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happens. And I wanted, by the way, do you
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like swimming? Now?
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I think some people are going to want to understand, did you do
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it? Did you figure it out?
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I. Love, just swim now.
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Yeah. Yeah, and all my kids are
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swimmers and yeah, and we'll go swim in the ocean.
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But I'll tell you what, I did not like that as a little girl.
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Yeah, scary. There's only one person in our
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family that can't swim and that's me.
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So I don't know what that I don't know what that means about
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this concept we're talking about.
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You can swim. You just look like a flailing
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duck when you do. But you can I.
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Do and flailing is the right word.
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OK, so let's talk about where real change happens.
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Here's the concept. Transformation happens through
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repetition and experience. I one of the programs I belong
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to, they were really big on that.
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They actually called it drills. They actually talked about
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practicing awareness. They talked about visualize the
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next time you experience something and how you're going
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to respond to that in that moment.
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But really you have to awareness is like here now is like naming
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what you're feeling. It's going like, OK, I'm going
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to practice this. I'm going to start to check in.
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Guys are falling in love in groups.
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By the way, right now, Alana, with this How we fill app
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because the how we fill app, if you've never seen it, go check
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it out in the App Store. I think it's free by the way.
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I only get to pay for it. But it actually starts
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practicing and it puts feelings into quadrants and says
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comfortable, uncomfortable, whatever it is.
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And you get a chance to identify what they are.
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Change isn't going to happen until I start really naming what
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I'm experiencing. You don't become trustworthy by
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understanding trust, OK? You don't become trustworthy
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through repeated trustworthy behavior.
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You don't become authentic until you learn authenticity.
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You become authentic by telling truth when it's uncomfortable.
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Can I slow you down for a second?
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OK, So what I'm hearing you say is like, yes, you have to learn
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it in your head first, right? So going and listening to the
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podcast, thanks for being here, taking the course, going to
8:56
group. Those are essential.
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Those are good because you're first gaining that information
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in your head, but to actually integrate that and embody it and
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really live that, it has to be practicing of that lived
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experience. So to actually move it from your
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head down into an embody and lived experience is there has to
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be practicing of what you're hearing.
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So what you're talking about with the How We Feel app is you
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every single day and sometimes multiple times a day getting on
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and saying, OK, this is how I feel.
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That is making it become more of a lived experience.
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So then it starts to actually change how you are living and
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how you're functioning. Yeah, like with this podcast
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right here, listening to this podcast, soaking in and your
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partner and you connecting over and saying, hey, that fits.
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This is the work that needs to be done and that's it ends
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there. It'd be kind of like watching
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the workout video but not doing the workout video and be kind of
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like, you know, seeing it. It'd be like, yeah, that's the
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stuff, but never doing it. There has to be that level of we
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talked about authenticity. It's not about learning
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authenticity. It's about becoming authentic,
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telling the truth. And that's uncomfortable.
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So that's the doing the workout video, right?
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That's the actual work itself. So just you.
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Can even do it another example around food is I can learn about
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all the different nutrients I can get from all the different
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fruits and vegetables and I can get like how having that variety
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and really dense nutritious meal is going to be what's best for
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me. But then if I do the drive
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through at McDonald's on the way home, like all that knowledge,
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like I know it, I could teach somebody it.
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But unless I'm practicing and putting in the work, so unless
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I'm going home and actually chopping up the carrots and
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taking the broccoli and doing all of the different prep and
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putting it together, I'm not getting any of those nutrients.
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Wait, but aren't there carrots and McDonald's happy meal boxes?
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And it sounds McDonald's out the.
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Door completely apples. Apples or apples, right?
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Totally. OK, so let's talk about the
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missing bridge. One of my favorite words ever is
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the word integration or integrated.
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Let's define integration here for a second.
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Integration is 1. Something you know becomes
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something you live. So I'm going to give you some
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examples. So knowing boundaries versus
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setting boundaries, knowing why the boundary exists, knowing
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honesty versus practicing honesty, knowing self-care
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versus engaging in self-care, knowing emotional regulation
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versus regulating emotion. So let's talk about knowing for
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a second, because if you think of integration, when I was
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trying to decide when I was doing impatience and going to do
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some work that I'd never done before, I'm like looking up all
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the places in the world and like where I could go and doing some
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of the work. And one of the places I landed
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on was called Integrative Life Center.
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And I, this word meant a lot to me, but I didn't completely
12:09
grasp it, which is like, I don't want something.
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I don't want to go somewhere, somebody that just teaches me,
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teaches me about a concept. I need somebody that helps to
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become a part of who I am, right?
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So I'm like this integrated board matters and that's where
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it is. It goes from miss from knowing
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to doing, and that's what I want to do.
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So there was a bunch of practices that I had to do
12:28
there. There was so much somatic work
12:30
on learning breathing techniques.
12:32
I'm learning to name my emotions.
12:33
I'm being, I'm actually engaging my body in the process rather
12:39
than just hearing people say things.
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I had to do it. I couldn't just talk about it.
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It wasn't going to be enough. I love that because I'm just
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thinking, I did a retreat last year, two years ago is the one
12:52
that came to mind. And she gave us these beautiful
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notebooks and we were learning all of this stuff.
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But for me, I was like, OK, this is great.
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But I'm like taken away from the responsibilities and running a
13:07
business. I'm taken away from the
13:08
responsibilities of being a mom. I'm take I'm not in all of those
13:12
other demands. And so I sat down and went, OK,
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how in the world am I going to bring this home with me?
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And what is this actually going to look like in my day-to-day
13:23
life? Because I can go sit on a beach
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and learn all day and be super Zen and have really good energy
13:31
and lots of great ideas. But when I go home and there's
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these different fires burning and all these people needing me
13:38
and requirements of life, I can't do it the same.
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And so I had to really choose of what is realistic.
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When I go home for my take home plan, what from this retreat
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really do I want to go home and practice and carry?
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And some things were really cool when I was in Mexico and I don't
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do them today. Other things I do today still
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and they did carry with me, but that didn't just happen.
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I had to actually sit down and decide what am I carrying home
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and what am I going to build in? And for me with my ADHDI had to
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literally write out a schedule of how I'm already living my
14:22
life and then where this new stuff was going to fit in.
14:26
Because if anyone's read the book, oh shoot, what's the book
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where he talks, Oh, Atomic Habits?
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In Atomic Habits, he talks about how you build into what you
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already have going. Because if I came home and I was
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like, OK, they gave me this new plan and this is how I'm now
14:44
going to live my life, guess what?
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That would last three days because all of my other demands
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of regular life would be waiting there and hit me.
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So that's not going to work. So I had to really look at, OK,
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what is the life that I'm living right now?
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A, is there anything not working that I want to shift?
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But B, what little things can I build in from there to go with
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what I already have? And that's what integration
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looks like in in real life, That's what integration looks
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like. So when I have a guy come to an
15:16
intensive, if he goes and he goes, OK, I'm going to go home,
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my life's going to look totally different.
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I'm like, I, I would love that for you, but that's probably not
15:25
realistic. So what is realistic and where
15:29
can we start building? I actually really love the book
15:32
Atomic Habits because let's. Go back to Atomic Habits.
15:36
The principle that it is is it says, hey, the reason why you
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fell, you don't fail to meet your goals.
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You fell to the level of your system that's in place.
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I guess you could Google it, Maybe I should Google it right
15:46
now, but you don't fail to meet your goals to you follow the
15:49
level of the system that you're using.
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So the system has to be overhauled.
15:53
It doesn't mean. I can I give a plug for what
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you're building at your new company?
15:58
Because this is actually why I'm really passionate with what
16:01
you're doing over at Blueprint Institute is it's all about what
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you just said is we get so focused on the things we want,
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but we don't have systems to back it up.
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Or we try to just all of a sudden put in these new goals,
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but there aren't, there's not a system to support it.
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What you're creating over a blueprint about helping people
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have systems, I think is pretty huge.
16:30
Yeah, and how hard is it to tackle life and overhaul at the
16:34
same time? How hard is it to drive your car
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to work and also overhaul the engine at the exact same time?
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It's impossible. Sometimes you have to really
16:41
take a look and dig in and see what's broken, to fill in the
16:44
gaps, to fill in the holes with something different.
16:46
Yeah. And be kind to yourself for all
16:48
the many times you've tried something new and failed because
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you try to just completely override everything.
16:55
That's a really good analogy, Alana.
16:57
Thank you so much. In his book, he gives an example
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of working out. Somebody wants to go start
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working out. And so they go, OK, I'm going to
17:06
start running every day. But they don't do anything to
17:08
make that simple. And so he said, you want to
17:12
start stacking what you already have.
17:13
So if every night before you go to bed, you brush your teeth,
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then you build something around that.
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I'm already brushing my teeth every day.
17:20
So you brush your teeth and then you grab your workout shoes and
17:23
set your workout shoes on the floor next to where you're going
17:26
to brush your teeth in the morning.
17:27
Now you're adding something into something that already has a
17:32
habit. And it makes it that much
17:34
simpler that the next day when you go workout, your workout
17:38
shoes are there. And then maybe after a while of
17:40
doing that, when you grab your workout shoes, because that's
17:43
now your habit, you put your whole workout outfit out in the
17:46
morning. So now all you're doing is
17:48
you're waking up, you're getting dressed, you're brushing your
17:50
teeth and you're out the door. And so now going and working
17:53
out, you've already knocked out five decisions that you were are
17:58
you're trying to make yourself do every single day.
18:01
But instead we found this way to ease it into your life.
18:06
And I hope our examples are helpful to you to show what this
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embodiment is, the word that keeps putting in mind for me,
18:14
because that's my word. It's the right word.
18:16
It's the right word. It's my word of the year.
18:18
But what was, oh, integrative? But that's what it looks like.
18:23
To integrate recovery into your life is to build it into what
18:27
you're already doing. OK, so all on to your favorite
18:31
year, the year of the word. Here's an embodiment mind's
18:33
integration, but basically it's the same concept.
18:36
Oh, it's funny too, because I don't think either of us have
18:38
talked to each other about our word of the Year.
18:40
Yeah. In fact, I'm not quite sure if I
18:42
knew I had a year of the word of the year.
18:44
I just have talked about it so much that it feels like, hey,
18:47
yeah. Any other thoughts on this
18:49
Alana? I just, you know, where you
18:51
talked about this being gentle with yourself, It is, it's
18:55
there's this balance between for a change to actually happen, we
19:02
have to put in effort and we have to be willing to step into
19:05
the discomfort zone because growth doesn't happen in the
19:09
comfort zone, right? So there has to be a level of
19:13
effort and a level of change that you're willing to step
19:17
into. And you have to balance that
19:19
with being gentle with yourself because typically with the
19:24
individuals I work with, they tend to do a lot of self
19:26
loathing and beating themselves up.
19:28
And you can't love yourself. I mean, you can love yourself.
19:32
You can't hate yourself into change that does not work long
19:36
term. So there's this balance between
19:39
challenging yourself, finding people in your world and in your
19:43
support system that will help hold you accountable and keep
19:46
you challenged and motivate you while also being gentle with
19:50
yourself as you're giving yourself a room to be in that
19:55
discomfort zone and to be in that zone where you don't have
19:59
it figured it all out and it doesn't feel good yet someone, a
20:02
team of people, including yourself, that can help you
20:05
through that. You know, so just again from the
20:11
compassion, the kindness for self, maybe the wrong question
20:14
is, is what else do I need to learn?
20:15
And the right question might be, what do I already know that I'm
20:19
not practicing? And because you might not be
20:22
suffering from lack of information to probably
20:24
suffering from lack of being integrated, lack of being
20:27
embodied. So just be kind to yourself like
20:30
that and go, what's something that I can do this week that
20:33
leaves me in a place of more practicing more, that's not like
20:36
completely changing everything about my life, but make small
20:42
shifts. OK, awesome.
20:45
Well, Alana, thank you for joining us through this dialogue
20:47
and this conversation. Hey, so let's talk about a
20:51
reclaimed intensive coming up. I know we have some buzz around
20:53
it and I'm hoping we get to see you there.
20:55
But let me tell you what it's about.
20:56
Have you ever felt like a part of you genuinely wants recovery
21:00
while another part of you keep sabotaging it?
21:03
Where one part wants like connection to another part wants
21:05
escape? Where one part wants honesty and
21:08
another part wants to hide? And let me give you one more
21:12
where one part wants to be present with your kids, your
21:15
partner, and your life, but another part of you wants to
21:18
numb out, wants to check out, wants to disappear all together.
21:22
Many men spend years fighting this internal battle without
21:26
even understanding what's actually happening beneath the
21:28
surface. The truth is, you're not broken,
21:31
you're not crazy, you're not fighting against yourself by
21:34
accident. You're carrying a system of
21:37
parts that were developed for a reason.
21:39
That's why we created the Reclaimed Intensive.
21:42
So reclaim is a four day men's intensive build around internal
21:45
family systems and parts work in other various tools of recovery.
21:49
So together we want to identify these different parts of you and
21:52
we want to understand the wounds and what they're protecting and
21:56
how to be LED through your internal system so you can find
22:00
some clarity and confidence and self energy that you haven't had
22:02
before. Because this isn't about trying
22:05
harder. It's about understanding what's
22:07
happening inside of you. So if you're struggling and you
22:11
want to move beyond managing some of the systems and start
22:14
addressing it or please join us from August 18th to the 21st in
22:18
Spanish Fork, UT. So go ahead and visit
22:21
chooserecoveryservices.com, go to the intensive section and
22:25
with the reclaimed intensives. And even if you want to schedule
22:29
a consultation, we can talk about it more.
22:35
If part of you keeps wondering, should I come to this Courage to
22:38
Thrive intensive, I want you to listen to that question with
22:42
compassion. Because many women minimize
22:45
their pain, they tell themselves other people have it worse.
22:48
Or I should be over this by now. Or maybe I just need him to get
22:52
better and then I'll be OK. But the trail trauma impacts
22:55
your mind, your body, your nervous system, your sense of
22:59
safety, your identity, and your ability to trust yourself.
23:03
And healing was never meant to happen alone.
23:06
Courage to Thrive is a space where you can finally exhale, A
23:10
space where you don't have to explain why it hurts so deeply.
23:13
A space where women around you simply get it.
23:18
You'll experience powerful workshops, experiential healing
23:21
activities, nervous system support, connection, education,
23:25
and practical tools that you can take home with you.
23:28
Most women leave saying I finally don't feel crazy
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anymore. And many also leave realizing
23:35
that I matter too. So if something inside you feels
23:38
drawn to this experience, honor that.
23:42
That quiet voice inside you may already know what you need.
23:46
I hope you'll join us August 25th through 28th in Spanish
23:49
Fork, UT. Hey, thanks for joining us
23:58
today. If this is something that you
23:59
connected with, I'd love to meet with you more and talk about it.
24:03
So what you can do is go to chooserecoveryservices.com or
24:06
check the show notes and there what we can do is set up a quick
24:09
conversation meeting. Thanks so much for listening to
24:12
Beyond the Facade where we unmatched the authentic cell.