Latest / Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud / S1 Ep20: 21 Minutes of Pure Comedy Gold

Transcript

S1 Ep20: 21 Minutes of Pure Comedy Gold · Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud

0:00
SPEAKER_02: I'm on the subway, New York City.
0:02
SPEAKER_02: This guy reaches into my purse.
0:05
SPEAKER_02: He grabs my makeup case.
0:07
SPEAKER_02: I'm like, uh-oh, I'm about to get mugged by a drag queen.
0:12
SPEAKER_02: It is on.
0:13
SPEAKER_02: Because they're big and they can fight.
0:15
SPEAKER_02: You know what I'm saying?
0:17
SPEAKER_02: So then he grabs my purse and he goes, I'm gonna hit you.
0:21
SPEAKER_02: So then I said, if you hit me, you better knock me out.
0:26
SPEAKER_02: Which was stupid.
0:27
SPEAKER_02: Don't say that to somebody who's stealing your purse.
0:31
SPEAKER_02: Don't do that.
0:32
SPEAKER_02: Because that was his plan.
0:34
SPEAKER_02: He wasn't waiting for my go-ahead on that one.
0:38
SPEAKER_02: So, right, so he hit me.
0:39
SPEAKER_02: He punched me.
0:40
SPEAKER_02: Don't worry, I can take a punch.
0:42
SPEAKER_02: I went to public school.
0:44
SPEAKER_02: So he hit me and I took it.
0:46
SPEAKER_02: I don't know if it was the adrenaline, but did you ever have one of those balloon clowns as a kid?
0:50
SPEAKER_02: It was literally like nope.
0:54
SPEAKER_02: Nope.
0:56
SPEAKER_02: I eat those.
0:59
SPEAKER_02: I even did one of these, like I was gonna morph into Steven Segal and like karate chop him right in the throat.
1:05
SPEAKER_02: And then he went to hit me again and I grabbed his arm.
1:08
SPEAKER_02: And I don't know if any of you have ever been in a fight, but you start to win a fight, you were losing, and you talk so much crap.
1:16
SPEAKER_02: Like I grabbed his arm, I was like, man, who you trying to hit?
1:20
SPEAKER_02: But there was another arm I should have been looking out for.
1:23
SPEAKER_02: Because that one came out of nowhere.
1:26
SPEAKER_02: This guy literally he lifted me up off the floor and tossed me aside like nothing.
1:33
SPEAKER_02: And the whole time he's picking me up, the only thought going through my head was, oh my god, I must have lost so much weight.
1:39
SPEAKER_01: Did you see how he threw me?
1:43
SPEAKER_02: Damn it, I'm skinny.
1:50
SPEAKER_02: I'm kidding.
1:51
SPEAKER_02: It was really hard though when he picked me up, not to go, wee!
1:54
SPEAKER_01: This is fun.
1:55
SPEAKER_01: What are we gonna do next?
1:58
SPEAKER_02: The second time this happened, okay.
2:00
SPEAKER_02: Second time my mouth got me in trouble.
2:02
SPEAKER_02: This one's a biggie.
2:03
SPEAKER_02: It was with my boyfriend's mom.
2:07
SPEAKER_02: I know.
2:08
SPEAKER_02: Let me explain.
2:13
SPEAKER_02: See what happened was.
2:16
SPEAKER_02: These are here's some important information.
2:19
SPEAKER_02: My boyfriend is Mexican.
2:21
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, what up?
2:22
SPEAKER_02: Hey.
2:26
SPEAKER_02: He's from Texas, like he was born in Texas.
2:28
SPEAKER_02: His mom was born in Mexico.
2:35
SPEAKER_02: It's a very important part of the story.
2:37
SPEAKER_02: So she grew up a little more like old school beliefs.
2:39
SPEAKER_02: That if you know any tradition, even old school people, they don't have to be from Mexico.
2:45
SPEAKER_02: You know that they they don't sugarcoat anything.
2:48
SPEAKER_02: They don't have time for it, they don't care for it, they just they're blunt and honest people, and I can respect that.
2:52
SPEAKER_02: That's fine.
2:53
SPEAKER_02: But when you mix somebody who's blunt and honest with somebody that doesn't have a filter, things can happen.
3:02
SPEAKER_02: So last time I'm in New York, she sees me, comes up to me, first thing she does, put her hand on my stomach.
3:07
SPEAKER_02: Why is that happening?
3:08
SPEAKER_02: I don't know why.
3:09
SPEAKER_02: I don't feel comfortable with that, do you, right?
3:11
SPEAKER_02: Because how many of us have had the guy that thought it was cute to pinch the fat on your stomach, huh, ladies?
3:15
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, right?
3:15
SPEAKER_01: The guy that goes, look at that, you have a tummy, look at that.
3:19
SPEAKER_02: I'm like, you have three seconds to live.
3:23
SPEAKER_02: Pinch me one more time.
3:26
SPEAKER_02: And your life is over.
3:28
SPEAKER_02: Right, so she touches my stomach, she goes, You're getting kind of fat.
3:31
SPEAKER_02: Are you pregnant?
3:33
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, thank you.
3:35
SPEAKER_02: That is how I felt.
3:37
SPEAKER_02: Because first of all, who says that?
3:39
SPEAKER_02: Who tells a woman she's fat?
3:40
SPEAKER_02: Every guy in here already knows.
3:42
SPEAKER_02: The question, do I look fat in this?
3:44
SPEAKER_02: What is the answer?
3:44
SPEAKER_02: No, no, absolutely not, right?
3:46
SPEAKER_02: No, sometimes it's hell no.
3:49
SPEAKER_02: Sometimes it's oh my god, baby, no, you look like you lost an ounce.
3:55
SPEAKER_02: Or whatever unit of measurement will get you out of trouble.
3:58
SPEAKER_02: But you never tell a woman she's fat, never ever.
4:00
SPEAKER_02: And you don't say that to me because I can't control what comes out of my mouth.
4:04
SPEAKER_02: She should know this.
4:05
SPEAKER_02: I've known her a while.
4:08
SPEAKER_02: So, y'all, I can't be blamed for what happened next.
4:11
SPEAKER_02: Because I was provoked.
4:13
SPEAKER_02: Because the second she said that, without pause, I looked her right in the face and I was like, oh, relax, I'm not gonna keep it.
4:20
SPEAKER_02: That's what's gonna do me in.
4:22
SPEAKER_02: That's what makes it hard for me to diet, is my my love of food.
4:25
SPEAKER_02: That and my confidence.
4:26
SPEAKER_02: I've got way too much confidence to diet.
4:28
SPEAKER_02: Because here's the thing, and let me explain it to you guys.
4:31
SPEAKER_02: I don't have like, I feel like to lose weight, you gotta look at yourself and go, you know what?
4:35
SPEAKER_02: I'm getting a little big.
4:37
SPEAKER_02: Gotta lose some weight.
4:39
SPEAKER_02: My problem is no matter how big or small that I get, I look at myself and I go, Looking good, kid.
4:45
SPEAKER_02: You look amazing.
4:47
SPEAKER_02: Keep up the good work.
4:50
SPEAKER_02: And confidence will mess me up.
4:52
SPEAKER_02: And don't get me wrong, I'm not cocky, I'm delusional.
4:54
SPEAKER_02: It's a big problem.
4:57
SPEAKER_02: It's an issue.
4:58
SPEAKER_02: I have what I like to call Latina confidence.
5:02
SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
5:05
SPEAKER_02: Latina confidence, guys.
5:07
SPEAKER_02: And you know we're confident.
5:08
SPEAKER_02: I know we have Latin people here, I know we have Latinos here.
5:10
SPEAKER_02: What's up, Latinos?
5:15
SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
5:16
SPEAKER_02: We have confidence for days.
5:18
SPEAKER_02: Latin women.
5:18
SPEAKER_02: People are always saying Latin women are so sexy.
5:20
SPEAKER_02: It's all in our confidence, guys.
5:22
SPEAKER_02: And you know we're confident because you've seen us in stuff we should not be wearing.
5:27
SPEAKER_02: We don't care what you mere mortals think of us.
5:31
SPEAKER_02: You think we can't hear you whispering?
5:34
SPEAKER_02: You guys are like, how far does Spandex stretch?
5:40
SPEAKER_02: We're still running the tests.
5:43
SPEAKER_02: We'll let you know when we're done.
5:51
SPEAKER_02: I did find out recently that I had to lose weight.
5:53
SPEAKER_02: Here's how I found out.
5:54
SPEAKER_02: Because I went to one of those fancy gyms.
5:58
SPEAKER_02: Because let me explain my gym journey first.
6:00
SPEAKER_02: Because I went to a few different gyms, okay?
6:02
SPEAKER_02: Here's what happened.
6:03
SPEAKER_02: Okay, when you first go to a gym, you're not looking for a great gym, you're looking for a great deal, right?
6:07
SPEAKER_02: You're looking for a place that's not gonna charge you an arm and a leg.
6:10
SPEAKER_02: So I went to the most ghetto gym in the world.
6:12
SPEAKER_02: It didn't even have a name, it just said gym above a door.
6:15
SPEAKER_02: It was embarrassing.
6:17
SPEAKER_02: So I'm at this ghetto gym my first day, and I'm running on the treadmill.
6:21
SPEAKER_02: And if you've been to a gym, you already know the trainers come by and they try to sell you packages, that's their job.
6:25
SPEAKER_02: So I'm on the treadmill, and this tiny little paperweight of a woman walks up to my treadmill and she's like, excuse me?
6:34
SPEAKER_02: Excuse me?
6:36
SPEAKER_01: I just wanted to alert you of some of your target areas.
6:39
SPEAKER_01: I'm like, um, no thanks.
6:41
SPEAKER_01: I'm good.
6:43
SPEAKER_01: You can just keep it moving.
6:45
SPEAKER_01: She's like, well, you probably want to work on your stomach because it's a little flabby and your thighs are kind of big.
6:50
SPEAKER_02: I know.
6:51
SPEAKER_02: I was like, ma'am, this is how people get shot in my neighborhood.
6:57
SPEAKER_02: For your own safety, I'm gonna have to ask you to leave now.
7:01
SPEAKER_02: She just kept going.
7:02
SPEAKER_02: She's like, well, here's what I do.
7:04
SPEAKER_02: I don't need any carbs after nine, I don't drink any juice after 11, I don't have any thoughts, feelings, or emotions after 12.
7:11
SPEAKER_02: I was like, oh my god, someone get her a hug and a cookie.
7:15
SPEAKER_02: What is wrong with your life?
7:18
SPEAKER_02: Now go away.
7:20
SPEAKER_02: She's like, no.
7:24
SPEAKER_02: That would have been so great if it happened.
7:28
SPEAKER_02: I actually ran into a girl recently that I grew up with.
7:31
SPEAKER_02: Well, a girl that I hate.
7:33
SPEAKER_02: Well, because you know how there's always that one girl in your group of girlfriends that like infiltrates the group.
7:39
SPEAKER_02: You know what I mean?
7:40
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, you know what I'm talking about.
7:41
SPEAKER_02: This was that girl.
7:42
SPEAKER_02: So here's what happened.
7:43
SPEAKER_02: I got caught.
7:44
SPEAKER_02: You ever get caught in a conversation you don't want to have because someone sees you before you see them?
7:49
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, it's like the worst feeling in the world.
7:51
SPEAKER_02: So here's what happened.
7:52
SPEAKER_02: She caught me on the bus.
7:53
SPEAKER_02: She came up from behind me, she snuck attack me.
7:58
SPEAKER_02: This is what I heard from behind me.
8:00
SPEAKER_02: I heard, oh my god, I can't even believe it's good.
8:02
SPEAKER_02: Because I think they just stand in the net.
8:03
SPEAKER_02: I was like, I think I know that chick.
8:03
SPEAKER_02: I was gonna tap on my shoulder, but I hate what people do.
8:05
SPEAKER_02: I mean, yo, what's my famous song?
8:06
SPEAKER_02: Well, you don't bother me like that.
8:06
SPEAKER_02: And I was like, nah, she'll remember cheese five, done a dining.
8:09
SPEAKER_02: You remember me, right?
8:19
SPEAKER_02: Oh my god.
8:20
SPEAKER_02: It was like that scene in a horror movie where you know the bad guys right behind you.
8:24
SPEAKER_02: Because I was like, oh god, please don't.
8:28
SPEAKER_02: Oh god, no, she's down there.
8:31
SPEAKER_02: But here's what I did.
8:32
SPEAKER_02: I handled it so well.
8:33
SPEAKER_02: I did what everybody else does in that situation.
8:35
SPEAKER_02: I put on that fake voice that you do when you get caught.
8:38
SPEAKER_00: Like I turned on, I was like, oh my god, hey.
8:42
SPEAKER_02: Girl, I was just thinking about you.
8:49
SPEAKER_02: But here's the thing, now I'm stuck in small talk because we have to keep talking.
8:52
SPEAKER_02: Like, I can't just leave after that.
8:53
SPEAKER_02: So I'm like, hey, what's been going on?
8:54
SPEAKER_02: How's life?
8:55
SPEAKER_02: I kid you not.
8:56
SPEAKER_02: She looks at me and goes, You're not gonna believe this.
8:59
SPEAKER_02: I'm a nurse in a hospital.
9:05
SPEAKER_02: Oh my god, you're right, I don't believe you.
9:10
SPEAKER_02: But seriously, what hospital?
9:11
SPEAKER_02: Because I like never want to go there.
9:13
SPEAKER_02: Because I don't know if any of you guys have ever stayed overnight in a hospital.
9:17
SPEAKER_02: I have, and it's a terrible situation.
9:20
SPEAKER_02: You have to trust a stranger with your life.
9:23
SPEAKER_02: Can you imagine being in that position?
9:26
SPEAKER_02: And that chick walks in, right?
9:29
SPEAKER_02: You're laid up in the hospital bed and she comes in holding your chart all official, and she's like, um, the other day I had looked there at your chart.
9:38
SPEAKER_02: And you're not gonna make it.
9:44
SPEAKER_02: That's messed up, right?
9:47
SPEAKER_02: You spent all this money, we can't even save you.
9:51
SPEAKER_02: If I was you, I was too for real.
9:54
SPEAKER_02: But I'm gonna do what I can.
9:55
SPEAKER_02: So, do you want chicken or fish?
9:59
SPEAKER_02: No, you gotta specifically tell me.
10:02
SPEAKER_02: I think it would be so great if she walked back in like five minutes later and was like, oh my bad.
10:07
SPEAKER_02: I was reading your horoscope.
10:11
SPEAKER_02: No, because it says here that you are a cancer, and I was like, damn, I'm a matodo.
10:21
SPEAKER_02: I can't get bad news from that voice.
10:24
SPEAKER_02: You feel me?
10:26
SPEAKER_02: Like, I can't be laid up in the hospital bed and getting bad news from that person.
10:29
SPEAKER_02: It has to be somebody with a more comforting demeanor.
10:32
SPEAKER_02: You know what I mean?
10:33
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, you know what I'm talking about.
10:34
SPEAKER_02: Like, if I'm laid up in the hospital bed, I think perfect people for this job, southern people.
10:40
SPEAKER_02: Right?
10:40
SPEAKER_02: You get the right southern accent.
10:42
SPEAKER_02: It's so comforting.
10:44
SPEAKER_02: I could be laid up in my hospital bed, my southern nurse comes in, she's like, I'm sorry, sweetheart.
10:49
SPEAKER_02: Turns out it is fatal, you're not gonna make it.
10:54
SPEAKER_02: Do you want some sweet tea?
10:55
SPEAKER_02: Help you deal with that.
10:57
SPEAKER_02: I would be like, oh my god, yes.
11:01
SPEAKER_02: I'm so sorry, my death is ruining your day.
11:05
SPEAKER_02: I think my girlfriends scared me from the whole idea of pregnancy.
11:10
SPEAKER_02: Because not every woman looks at a pregnant woman and goes, Oh my god, you look amazing.
11:14
SPEAKER_02: I want to do that.
11:15
SPEAKER_02: Some of us go, you look uncomfortable.
11:19
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, right?
11:20
SPEAKER_02: Especially when your girlfriends get weird.
11:22
SPEAKER_02: You ever have any of your girlfriends talk to you when they're pregnant and it sounds like they're trying to get you to join a cult?
11:28
SPEAKER_02: You know what I'm talking about?
11:29
SPEAKER_02: Where it's like, oh my god, you should totally do it.
11:32
SPEAKER_02: It's the best thing I've ever done with my life.
11:35
unknown: Be one of us.
11:40
SPEAKER_02: I had a girlfriend who really seriously, she started whispering everything.
11:44
SPEAKER_02: Everything.
11:45
SPEAKER_02: Because she didn't want to affect the baby.
11:48
SPEAKER_02: I was like, you're affecting me.
11:51
SPEAKER_02: I need to stop what you're doing immediately.
11:53
SPEAKER_02: Because she would say weird stuff too.
11:54
SPEAKER_02: She'd be like, There's a life inside me.
12:00
SPEAKER_02: Sounds like you ate someone.
12:01
SPEAKER_02: That is ridiculous.
12:04
SPEAKER_02: She would go crazy when the baby would kick, she'd be like, oh my god, oh my god, he's kicking, oh my god.
12:09
SPEAKER_02: I was like, what?
12:12
SPEAKER_02: I would be so mad if I was pregnant and that baby had the nerve to kick me.
12:18
SPEAKER_02: I would be like, listen here, you little freeloader.
12:22
SPEAKER_02: You're stealing my food, you're making me fat and uncomfortable, and now you've taken to violence.
12:28
SPEAKER_02: Really?
12:29
SPEAKER_02: Where's your face?
12:30
SPEAKER_02: I'm gonna smack you right in your baby face.
12:32
SPEAKER_02: That's right.
12:32
SPEAKER_02: Discipline starts in the womb, people start it early.
12:36
SPEAKER_02: Start it early, or they get lippy when they get out.
12:41
SPEAKER_02: I know what it is with my boyfriend's mom.
12:44
SPEAKER_02: She's afraid that I'm getting too old.
12:46
SPEAKER_02: That's her fear.
12:48
SPEAKER_02: Because I just turned 34 last month.
12:51
SPEAKER_02: Thank you.
12:55
SPEAKER_02: Oh my god, thank you.
12:57
SPEAKER_02: I actually love being 34.
12:59
SPEAKER_02: I love my 30s, which is because it's a different set of confidence I feel.
13:03
SPEAKER_02: You know what I mean?
13:04
SPEAKER_02: When I was in my 20s, yeah, I was confident.
13:06
SPEAKER_02: I had that like cute confidence where I was like, oh my god, I'm so cute.
13:08
SPEAKER_02: You're so cute.
13:10
SPEAKER_02: We're so cute.
13:12
SPEAKER_02: But like if I got all dressed up and I would walk down the street and some guy would cat call me, I'd be like, um, you're disgusting.
13:19
SPEAKER_02: This is not for you.
13:21
SPEAKER_02: That is not why I got dressed up.
13:24
SPEAKER_02: But now, like in my 30s, if you guys catcall me, I'm like, oh my god, still, thank you.
13:30
SPEAKER_02: Thanks so much.
13:33
SPEAKER_01: That's exactly why I got dressed up.
13:35
SPEAKER_02: Thank you.
13:36
SPEAKER_02: That was amazing.
13:38
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, I am I am getting I'm getting older.
13:40
SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
13:41
SPEAKER_02: So I had to stop doing certain things.
13:44
SPEAKER_02: Thank God I have a supportive group of girlfriends to help me through this time.
13:47
SPEAKER_02: Which, by the way, I think girlfriends are so essential.
13:50
SPEAKER_02: Every woman should have her solid set of girlfriends.
13:53
SPEAKER_02: Ladies, you need chick friends.
13:54
SPEAKER_02: You need them.
13:55
SPEAKER_02: They're your support system.
13:56
SPEAKER_02: And they'll support you no matter what.
13:59
SPEAKER_02: You could be crying over a breakup that you caused.
14:03
SPEAKER_02: Doesn't matter.
14:05
SPEAKER_02: They're still on your side.
14:07
SPEAKER_02: You could be sitting there like, but I cheated on him.
14:11
SPEAKER_02: They're like, no, girl, he made you cheat.
14:13
SPEAKER_02: Don't put this on you.
14:15
SPEAKER_02: Don't put this on you.
14:19
SPEAKER_02: We never liked him anyway.
14:22
SPEAKER_02: There were certain things I had to stop doing, though, with some of my girlfriends.
14:26
SPEAKER_02: Like with my younger girlfriends, I had to stop shopping with them because they all go to young people's stores.
14:30
SPEAKER_02: You know what I mean?
14:31
SPEAKER_02: They all go to like Forever 21, which is a great store.
14:34
SPEAKER_02: It's a great name for a store, too.
14:35
SPEAKER_02: I ought to be 21 forever.
14:39
SPEAKER_02: I just can't lie to myself and go in that store.
14:42
SPEAKER_02: You know what I mean?
14:43
SPEAKER_02: You reach a certain age, I can't go into that store anymore.
14:45
SPEAKER_02: And I hate when I see like 45-year-old women like walking out of that store.
14:48
SPEAKER_02: I'm like, give me the bag.
14:50
SPEAKER_02: No, give me the bag, and walk over to JC Penny like a grown-up.
14:56
SPEAKER_02: He's super macho.
14:57
SPEAKER_02: I like that.
14:58
SPEAKER_02: I'm old school.
14:59
SPEAKER_02: I like a macho guy.
15:00
SPEAKER_02: I like my guy's macho.
15:01
SPEAKER_02: You know, the kind of guy that's like, get in the car.
15:06
SPEAKER_02: Where are we going?
15:09
SPEAKER_02: Doesn't matter.
15:11
SPEAKER_02: There is part of me that wants to be like, don't talk to me like that.
15:16
SPEAKER_02: But I'm gonna get in the car now.
15:19
SPEAKER_01: I'm gonna do it easy.
15:21
SPEAKER_02: On my own accord.
15:26
SPEAKER_02: Here's the thing.
15:27
SPEAKER_02: I think women do like macho guys.
15:28
SPEAKER_02: I think we do.
15:29
SPEAKER_02: You guys just gotta know when to bring it out in the relationship.
15:32
SPEAKER_02: Because a lot of guys hide their macho.
15:34
SPEAKER_02: They're afraid it's too much.
15:35
SPEAKER_02: You gotta bring it out that first fight.
15:36
SPEAKER_02: The first fight you have with your girl, show it.
15:39
SPEAKER_02: You know how sexy that is?
15:40
SPEAKER_02: You're having your first fight with your guy, right?
15:42
SPEAKER_02: You guys are going back and forth, and he just punches a wall.
15:44
SPEAKER_02: You're like, oh my god.
15:47
SPEAKER_02: He was pretending that was my face.
15:49
SPEAKER_02: Jesus.
15:51
SPEAKER_02: I might have to marry this one.
15:54
SPEAKER_02: There's something sexy about that, because there's not a lot of guys now that are like that.
15:58
SPEAKER_02: There's not a lot of guys.
15:59
SPEAKER_02: There's guys now that are just they're wearing skinny jeans.
16:06
SPEAKER_02: Can we just discuss this for a second?
16:09
SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
16:11
SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
16:16
SPEAKER_02: Why is this happening?
16:18
SPEAKER_02: I don't feel safe.
16:21
SPEAKER_02: I don't.
16:21
SPEAKER_02: Why are you wearing skinny jeans?
16:22
SPEAKER_02: I what if I am in a situation and I'm with Mr.
16:25
SPEAKER_02: Skinny Jeans?
16:26
SPEAKER_02: Something goes down, he's like, save yourself.
16:31
SPEAKER_01: Make a run for it, baby.
16:42
SPEAKER_02: We are talking marriage, me and the boyfriend.
16:45
SPEAKER_02: I know.
16:47
SPEAKER_02: Was that disappointment or excitement?
16:49
SPEAKER_02: You're like, oh, don't do that to yourself.
16:54
SPEAKER_02: I know we have married people here, right?
16:56
SPEAKER_02: Married people?
16:57
SPEAKER_02: Woo-hoo! I take marriage really seriously.
17:02
SPEAKER_02: My parents have been together 55 years, maybe over that.
17:07
SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
17:10
SPEAKER_02: You can clap for them.
17:12
SPEAKER_02: They're in the back.
17:13
SPEAKER_02: Just give it up.
17:14
SPEAKER_02: They're in the back.
17:15
SPEAKER_02: I'm like, thank you, thank you.
17:17
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, so I take it super seriously.
17:19
SPEAKER_02: So if I was gonna get married, I'd want a really good wedding.
17:22
SPEAKER_02: Here's the problem people are messing up their weddings nowadays.
17:25
SPEAKER_02: Just went to my girlfriend's wedding.
17:26
SPEAKER_02: She wrote her own vows.
17:28
SPEAKER_02: I don't like it.
17:29
SPEAKER_02: Because she didn't just write vows, she wrote like an epic poem of every feeling she's ever had.
17:35
SPEAKER_02: Like she got up there, she was like, our love.
17:48
SPEAKER_01: And over time it has become a garden of love.
17:56
SPEAKER_01: And as the butterflies of the future.
18:00
SPEAKER_01: I'm like, what were you on when you wrote this?
18:03
SPEAKER_02: Love is like a butterfly, couldn't it be like a cheetah?
18:06
SPEAKER_02: I want to get out of here.
18:09
SPEAKER_02: That's why I wish it was the guy's idea to write the vows.
18:11
SPEAKER_02: I feel like you guys just get to the point right away.
18:13
SPEAKER_02: Like he would have just got up there and been like, I'll try not to have sex with anybody else.
18:18
SPEAKER_02: I'll try.
18:19
SPEAKER_02: Then they would high-five and the wedding's over.
18:23
SPEAKER_02: It would be the best wedding ever.
18:25
SPEAKER_02: There was actually a sign-up in one of the vegetarian restaurants I used to go to that said, if animals could speak, we would all be vegetarians.
18:31
SPEAKER_02: That's not true.
18:32
SPEAKER_02: That's not true because people can speak, we still hate them, so why wouldn't it work for animals too?
18:37
SPEAKER_02: Some animals are gonna have an attitude problem.
18:39
SPEAKER_02: Sorry, cat people.
18:41
SPEAKER_02: I just feel like if animals get dog, you would walk into a diva fit every day.
18:47
SPEAKER_02: You would just walk in, your cat's like, excuse me, excuse me.
18:51
SPEAKER_02: I don't approve of the new food you bought, that kitty litter is disgusting, and your presence is annoying me.
19:00
SPEAKER_02: I'm gonna go lick my butt for 20 minutes.
19:04
SPEAKER_02: I expect you to be gone by the time I return.
19:10
SPEAKER_02: You know what's great about being an animal person is that when you have a pet, when you have an animal, people with kids always try to remind you that you don't have a baby.
19:19
SPEAKER_02: Right?
19:19
SPEAKER_02: All your friends with kids are like, oh my god, he's your baby.
19:23
SPEAKER_02: He's your baby, because you don't have a real one.
19:27
unknown: So sad.
19:29
SPEAKER_02: And don't get me wrong, I would love, love to have a baby.
19:32
SPEAKER_02: I mean, not physically because it looks uncomfortable.
19:36
SPEAKER_02: I would love to acquire a baby.
19:39
SPEAKER_02: Like leave a trail of Skittles or something.
19:43
SPEAKER_02: Just have one follow me home.
19:46
SPEAKER_02: Kid baby.
19:48
SPEAKER_02: Because I think they're awesome.
19:50
SPEAKER_02: I really do.
19:50
SPEAKER_02: I think my favorite age for kids is that toddler age.
19:53
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, right?
19:54
SPEAKER_02: Because they have this cute, they they have no filter, first of all.
19:57
SPEAKER_02: They have no filter, and that's that's what I connect with.
20:00
SPEAKER_02: Because I struggle with that.
20:01
SPEAKER_02: I struggle a lot with not having a filter, but I get in way more trouble than kids do.
20:06
SPEAKER_02: Kids say whatever they want, and we think it's adorable.
20:08
SPEAKER_02: I say something wrong, and my brain is like, you really should have checked with me.
20:13
SPEAKER_02: Before you let that one slip out.
20:17
SPEAKER_02: It's the beauty of being a kid.
20:18
SPEAKER_02: They can test the waters, they can say whatever, and they will, because kids don't have a filter until you put it in as the grown-up.
20:24
SPEAKER_02: Right?
20:24
SPEAKER_02: Like you ever been insulted by a kid?
20:27
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, it legitimately hurts your feelings, doesn't it?
20:31
SPEAKER_02: But you can't say anything about it.
20:34
SPEAKER_02: Because they'll just walk right up to you and be like, you're ugly, and then walk away.
20:39
SPEAKER_02: Right?
20:40
SPEAKER_02: And you just gotta stand there like he's so cute.
20:50
SPEAKER_02: I just wanna hug him around the neck.
20:56
SPEAKER_02: He's adorable.
20:58
SPEAKER_02: But when you think about it, you know what I mean?
21:00
SPEAKER_02: That kid isn't trying to mess with you.
21:01
SPEAKER_02: Like, if that kid said you're ugly, it's because he genuinely thinks you're ugly.
21:07
SPEAKER_02: But like so ugly, he had to stop whatever he was doing and inform you of the situation.
21:15
SPEAKER_02: Like he was doing something and he was like, no, put the Legos away.
21:20
SPEAKER_02: What is that?
21:23
SPEAKER_02: Get it fixed.
21:24
SPEAKER_02: What's your mom with you?
21:26
SPEAKER_02: I can barely keep my lunchables down, guys.