Latest / Complex Kids, Simple Solutions / Navigating Parenthood and Self-Care: Empowering Moms of Complex Kids with Lati Ghanem
Transcript
- Michelle Choairy: back everyone to Complex Kids Simple Solutions. Today we have Latte Gannum and I am so, so excited to have her. Welcome Latte, how are you? Welcome to Complex Kids Simple Solutions, the podcast for parents raising complex and neurodivergent kids who are doing their best in systems that don't always make things easy. I'm Michelle Shoeidi, founder of Special Education Concierge, a mom to a complex kid, a speaker, and an advocate. This space isn't about perfection. It's about real life, the hard days, the small wins. Before you go, take a deep breath. You don't have to solve everything today. You don't have to have it all figured out. If this episode helped you feel seen, grounded, or a little less alone, make sure you're subscribed so you don't miss future conversations. And if you ever want a deeper support, Lati Ghanem: Hi, Michelle, thank you so much for having me. Michelle Choairy: Yes, welcome, welcome. right, let's. How do do? And you can do now. Lati Ghanem: ⁓ to tell you a little bit about myself, I spent about 15 plus years in the area of communications and in corporate comms. And I realized that, you know, as we manage high stakes communications and trying to keep calm and trying to be level headed, a lot of the same patterns that showed up in boardrooms showed up in dining rooms. In terms of... Michelle Choairy: The moments where you wonder if you're doing enough, and the moments where you realize you are. Here we talk honestly, share practical insight, and simplify what feels overwhelming. One conversation at a time, you are your child's hero. Special Education Concierge is here when you're ready. One step at a time. One decision at a time. You are your child's hero. I'll see you next time. Lati Ghanem: How do you really keep calm and how do you navigate How do you navigate making that have to be, you know, sometimes impact a lot of people? And most importantly, do moms make decisions that the most important people in their lives, which is their children? And ⁓ that pattern in really dove me into exploring the world of coaching. where I became a trauma-informed, life-inconscious parenting coach, and have really, really delved deep into the topic of parenting coaching, and found what I believe is my true mission in life, because I love working with moms, I love helping them uncover the same patterns, and it's something that I also had to do myself with my own ⁓ inner Michelle Choairy: ⁓ huh. Lati Ghanem: My journey to becoming a mother has yet to be fulfilled in terms of, you know, I had to go through treatments. I have to stop those fertility treatments for some while. So all those emotions that came up, I had to work through. So that's why I feel very passionate about the work I do and why I'm so excited ⁓ to help sort of navigate all of the complexities of womanhood. Michelle Choairy: Mm-hmm. Lati Ghanem: and how those really, really get heightened with our children. Michelle Choairy: Yeah, you know, it's interesting you talk about it because we as women, we carry what our parents gave us, right? And so just the other day, I found myself doing exactly what my mother used to do, right? And we carry that on to our families. And so and it doesn't matter if you're a mother, if you're not a mother, this is about you. Lati Ghanem: Yeah. Michelle Choairy: right, the person that you are. We usually hear on the show, we talk about parenting, about, you know, how do you do this with a complex kid? How do you do these things? it's really not just that. It's about who we are and the things that we go through and our feelings ⁓ and trauma, the grief and things that we go through. Lati Ghanem: Yeah. Michelle Choairy: thank you for making that a priority to moms because really that is something that, you know, we need to worry about. And one of the things that we always talk about here too, is the part and the thrive method that I have and the ⁓ on the integration, which is taking care of yourself. So let's dive deeper into what it is that you do and how you do this. Lati Ghanem: Sure. So created a program. It's called Breaking the Power Struggle. And it really, what it helps identify is work one-on-one with women in really identifying those core patterns, the core issues that were developed and learned very much like an childhood, as you mentioned. Like we end up doing the things that our parents did with us and without even realizing it, we're like, ⁓ I'm never going to be like my mom. I'm never gonna do that to my children. And then mid-sentence, you're like, wait, I just become my mom? I just did it. ⁓ And because those patterns have been so ingrained in us. And then on top of that, there's this cultural norms, right? What we believe a woman should be holding. And then as women carry so much of that mental load in terms of making. Michelle Choairy: Yes. I just did it. Yes, yes, yes. Mm-hmm. Yes. Lati Ghanem: decisions, especially for women with complex kids, because it's always, it's always this heightened sense of, I have to be on top of it. I have to be on top of it because no one is going to be advocating for my kid like I am. one else is going to understand my kid like I will. So it's putting all of that pressure in it. And then suddenly you realize it's almost like a pressure cooker and that pressure cooker sooner or later is going to like explode in some way or another. And some Michelle Choairy: Yes. Yes. Lati Ghanem: And those explosions or those behaviors can take a myriad of different right? It can be anger, it can be self denial, it can be trying to be the fixer for everyone and trying to continuously make sure that no bad things ever happen. But it is a pattern that I hope. Michelle Choairy: Thanks for explaining me, because that's what you just said. That is 100 % me. You just explained who Michelle is. Lati Ghanem: love it. And of us are, right? We want to make sure everything runs smoothly. The trains are on the track. No one is bothered. Everybody is okay. I think a lot of us do that. And it's just a matter of really how does that impact your self-worth and your self-esteem? And how do you understand how to prioritize yourself as a woman? Michelle Choairy: Yes. Lati Ghanem: and all the roles you play, which is not only motherhood, but also as your own personal fulfillment. Michelle Choairy: Yeah, for sure. are always moms of complex kids. We're always trying to do the best for our kids, right? We're trying to make sure that they are taken care of. We forget about ourselves. We put them before everything else. We carry who we were before our, you know, single life. Lati Ghanem: Yes. Mm-hmm. Michelle Choairy: our parents did and the load can be so heavy, so, heavy. so, and I will, you know, this is another part of this is that, you know, motherhood, when you are, when you have a complex kid, you have to grieve what you did not have. And so this is even probably the hardest part. Lati Ghanem: Yeah. Michelle Choairy: being a mom of a complex kid. So can you talk to us a little bit about that? The trauma, the grieving ⁓ how you, you help moms with that? Lati Ghanem: Yeah. For sure. mean, I think we all have a story in our heads, right, of how our life is supposed to go. I certainly did. You know, I did everything right. I college, I got into a career, I was doing... So why aren't things sort of flowing the way I wanted them to go? And I think when mom has a complex kid, there's sort of ⁓ a of blame and guilt. and sort of anger, like, why is this happening to me? What is wrong with me? Why can't I have, you know, story that I built in my head rather than the kid that you have in front of you? And that sort of acceptance, I work with moms as well, you know, with kids autism, with ADHD, and that sort of acceptance comes with understanding that the kid you have in front of you is Michelle Choairy: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Lati Ghanem: also like a full human being, right? They're not missing out because we tend to believe that they are missing out on parts of life because we have a story of what life should look like rather than really attuning to the kid that we have in front of us and really understanding that ⁓ are complete in their own beautiful and that it's really about us and our expectations and what we think. the should-ofs, would-ofs, could-ofs that we attach to that relationship is really what we need to break down and the pattern that needs to be sort of broken down for moms. then comes the acceptance and the grief, like you said. It's walking through that grief, sort ⁓ of going the process ⁓ of grieving you think you're gonna have or what you think you should have have. Michelle Choairy: Yes. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Lati Ghanem: and really coming to accept what you have today and falling in love with the beauty of it. Michelle Choairy: Yeah. Yeah, you know, that's this you know, we when we out we're pregnant, you know, you have this picture of what it is that life should be and how it's to be, you know, and then remember ⁓ when we found out we're going to have a boy, my husband went and bought like a little ⁓ baseball bat, you know. Lati Ghanem: Mm-hmm. Mm. Michelle Choairy: And so those are the things that you think that they're going to happen. My son, there's no way he's gonna play baseball, right? And so like, those are the things, we did try by the way, we did try, we tried for Little League for one year and all he did was sit on the ground and play with the dirt. you know, it's, that is the thing, right? And the picture that you have in the beginning and then what you get, Lati Ghanem: Yeah. ⁓ Michelle Choairy: and what your life truly is changes. that, and always tell my my moms and dads, and because this doesn't just happen to moms, this happens to dads too. It's, you you have to grieve and in way know how to grieve, but you have to go through the steps of grieving because if not, you are going to be frustrated. Lati Ghanem: Mm-hmm. I agree. Mm-hmm. Michelle Choairy: And it's not going to be a good experience. You're not going to have a good life with your family and with your child. So anyway, thanks for listening. It is that, you know. Is it talking? they do it Lati Ghanem: I'm sorry, you're cutting off. Michelle Choairy: How do you work with the parents? Like how does it work? Yeah. Lati Ghanem: Yeah, so it's a 10 week program. one on one coaching. We usually meet for an hour, an hour and 15 minutes depending. Usually by one hour, we really vulnerable topics. So is like ready. Mom or dad, like you said, I've had worked with some men, but usually ⁓ moms are ones that want to more readily go for support at first and then they bring in the rest of the family. Michelle Choairy: Yes. Lati Ghanem: But usually by the hour, they've already cracked open a lot, so they need some time to process. And then there's also some light support that we offer in terms of, always available. If you are having a hard moment right there in time, you can always text me. We'll walk through what is triggering you at that moment and ⁓ how those patterns that you've learned showing up? How is it that we're processing it? What is the moment? I offer them that. that advice. then there's all obviously some worksheets that ⁓ provide to them as well so that they can write their own and they are free to either share those with me or not. ⁓ But it really just helps process the emotions that we talked about during our sessions. Michelle Choairy: Hmm. Yeah, it's interesting that you talk about writing. just interviewed a woman, she does writing for kids. So when the kids are struggling with writing, she comes in, she's a specialist when it comes to that. And we did talk about this, we did talk about, you know, when you write, you're writing, it's your mind Lati Ghanem: Mm-hmm. Michelle Choairy: with what is on paper. So what you have in the visual part of it and important that is. And so I was sharing with her how like I just journaled so much when I was younger and I haven't done it in so long. It's been so long. And honestly, like back then it would help me kind of process and Now I just skipped right through and I'm super woman and I can do it all. Right. So like I have a journal enough that now I'm super woman and I don't need to journal anymore. But it's yeah. But you know, it really truly is like just the handwriting, the sitting down, the writing and putting your thoughts that are in your head actually on paper. Sometimes it helps you get that Lati Ghanem: Ha Yeah. Michelle Choairy: clarity on what it is that you're doing. yeah. ⁓ Lati Ghanem: for sure. Yeah, it helps. I think it helps process the emotions that we are sometimes, it's hard for us to verbalize when you just sort of give yourself that permission to like roam free and there's no judgment from anyone because you're, just, it's for yourself. ⁓ really, really does help. Michelle Choairy: Yeah. Yeah, I agree. agree. So tell me, let's say, a mother, one of my moms that has a complex kid comes to you, how do you start the program? What is like, what is the process that you go through? Lati Ghanem: Mm-hmm. So we usually get a 45 minute session. So it starts with that because I want moms to feel comfortable working with me and I want them to get to know me and to see if we're a good match, right? So we usually start that 45 minutes where we talk about what is going on? What is the thing that is them awake at night? What is it that they're really struggling with? ⁓ And during that session, usually uncover Michelle Choairy: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Lati Ghanem: something deeper because we help, you know, we help sort of dig into like what's really, so this is the surface thing that is really bothering you, but what is actually deeper and what is hiding underneath all of that, whether that's guilt, shame, know, grief, anxiety, what is it that is hiding there? And then we, we sort of, I give them some sort of tip or, you know, Michelle Choairy: Mm-hmm. Lati Ghanem: that they can use in the moment. And then ⁓ talk about potentially turning that into our program. ⁓ And some people decide, yes, of course, ⁓ wanna work more, I wanna do this, I'm ready to change the way I show up for myself. And I think most moms, once they're ready, they just once they seek help, it's because they really want to. Michelle Choairy: Mm-hmm. Okay. Lati Ghanem: want a change in their life. They know they are drowning in some ⁓ or form, and they really want to change that relationship with themselves and the relationship they have with their children. Michelle Choairy: Mm-hmm. Yeah, yeah, for sure. So then you start the program and you go basically kind of what it is that they're struggling with and in a process. Now, when you are teaching the women and talking to them, like what are certain things that you are teaching them? Like what are you talk like just pick whoever pick, know, if you have a mom that has a complex kid, let's talk about pick that mom and let's talk about that. Lati Ghanem: Yeah. Yeah. So I think I mentioned to you before, I am working with a mom that has, she has two kids that diagnosed with autism and she's just postpartum. So it's a lot, right, going on for her because she just diagnosed herself with postpartum depression. She has two autistic kids. So it's really, what is uncovering under all that? So there's obviously a lot of fear. There's anxiety there because she just had her third baby. She knows her two older children are autistic. So there's a lot of fear attached with this new pregnancy. There's a lot of anxiety about what that baby will grow up with. And then transitions that are happening right then and now with our current children in terms of training and food. So how you navigate all of that? And her biggest concern is bandwidth. I want to do it all. But you can't do it all if you're not taking care of yourself first. Right? And you have a diagnosis. You have been diagnosed with postpartum depression. And that is a real serious issue. So if you don't, like you can't continue giving, giving, giving, giving to others if you're not giving to yourself. So we first need to work on that. What is her, what are her main needs? How do we process all of the emotions that are going on in her current life right now with herself? And then we can focus on how does she show up the best with her children. But ⁓ it's really about giving her the tools to sort of help herself, right? Michelle Choairy: Mm-hmm. Yeah. Some of those tools. would love to hear what the things that you tell her, hey, you should be doing this. remember, going go a little bit and we'll go back to but I ⁓ had postpartum depression with both my kids. ⁓ One was because my son, Hugh, all of that stuff, I mean, it just comes along with it, right? And with my daughter, was because like here I was trying to both of them. And so, but it was ⁓ hard myself to do something for me. Cause all I wanted to do was during that time was go to sleep. I didn't have the kids or I had anything. I just wanted to go to sleep instead of doing something to get out of that mood, get out of that. So, Going back to the question that I had, what are some of the interventions that you teach them to do to themselves so they can get out of that phone? Lati Ghanem: So I use meditation. I help them meditate. I help them learn how to meditate. Or journaling is another really good tool. ⁓ a lot of breathing techniques in terms of when things get overwhelming. There's four, four by four method. That method really helps to sort of ground you and bring you back into your body when you're sort of overwhelmed and want to. Michelle Choairy: Mm-hmm. Lati Ghanem: do everything at once. And then really it's more about the emotional underlings. Like how do you uncover that pattern that's been hiding there? And what is truly the fear, right? So once you uncover the fear and a lot of that fear comes again with what if my third kid is also autistic and how am I going to deal with all, three autistic children? Should I even have had another child? What the hell was I thinking? So there's a lot of guilt and shame that is attached to that. And there's still a lot of a grieving process of those two children because she hasn't processed that fully. So it's also helping her grieve and understand. I think I mentioned that to you before, that how do you accept the children that you have today? Today, right? Michelle Choairy: Yes. Uh-huh. Yes, yes, yeah, yeah. Lati Ghanem: And let's not live in the future. Let's come back to the present. And at the present, you just had a baby that is only a month old. Why are you already worried about how that baby's going to grow up? Let's just try and enjoy the moment. Enjoy today, enjoy the smile, enjoy the, know, try to come back to the present because you're living in the future. And when we live in the future, it tends to be overwhelming and anxiety driven. Michelle Choairy: Yeah. Yes. Yeah. So for some of the moms that I talk to, I talk a lot about, you know, taking deep breaths. Sometimes like, sometimes that's what we need. I talk about taking time for yourself. am Lati Ghanem: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Michelle Choairy: I don't know if you heard of the 5 a.m. Breakfast Club or something. That's I don't know what it's called. 5 a.m. Club or something like that. And I for a while and not lately, but for a while I was getting up at five and I would go and I would take care of myself like I would go to the gym. I would get things done. You know why? Because there's nobody awake and you can get all that shiz done. You know? Lati Ghanem: Uh-huh. Yeah Michelle Choairy: And so, and here's the thing, like this is, of course, a lot of moms are working moms and they're trying to get by. so like getting that time uninterrupted, right? Because the kids are still in bed. Getting that time alone, just to do something, to go in the kitchen and just get a cup of coffee and sit down and read the news or, you know, Lati Ghanem: Yeah. Michelle Choairy: write your journal or whatever it is that or read a book or go to the gym or read a book, know, just something like that. are things that teach my because as comics kids, moms, need to do it and what if they're all in A. Well, your children are not going to be well, right? And that's kind of what it is that you talk about too. Lati Ghanem: Yeah. Exactly. Yeah, for sure. Michelle Choairy: So yeah, so let's talk a little bit about like where my listeners can find you or like if they, like what are some of the signs they would have to look for you? Lati Ghanem: Of course, mean, if they're feeling overwhelmed, if they're feeling like, you know, ⁓ are getting out of hand, if they understand I'm drowning, but I don't know what kind of help I need, and don't necessarily want a psychiatrist, and I don't necessarily want a psychologist, because coaching is also very goal-oriented. That's why it's a 10-week program, because you really focus on getting through. a very specific thing, right? So it's very, it's not, it's not like a psychologist, and I'm all for psychologists. It's the, I think we work in tandem, but it's not like a long, drawn out process where we're gonna work for two years together. It's really more of a, am drowning right now and I don't know how to get out of this situation. I would invite them to check out my website at www.livinginprogress.com. Michelle Choairy: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Lati Ghanem: There's a free pattern quiz. There's a way to book a free coffee chat. I mean, I'm always happy to just talk and have coffee with someone. There's absolutely no obligation whatsoever. they can also find me on Instagram. They at livingin underscore where I share tips. I share some funny videos as well about how to handle situations. But I really just want them to know that Michelle Choairy: Mm-hmm. Lati Ghanem: There's no right way or wrong way raise children. There's no guilt. There shouldn't be shame. They doing the best can with the tools they have, and that is worthy enough. just, you know, if could leave them with anything is pat yourself in the back. You're doing an amazing job. And, you know, if you need help, we're here to help. Michelle Choairy: You know, was just going to ask you what are your last words of for my moms and you just went right into it. Is there anything else you would like to share? Because now I feel like I didn't get to ⁓ ask my question of the podcast. Lati Ghanem: MWAH-HUH! Oh, sorry. Sorry. No. Michelle Choairy: it's perfect. It's perfect. It led right into it. I loved it. Lati Ghanem: The last, yeah, I just wanna say you're doing great, Mala. You are doing great and don't be hard on yourself. Give yourself grace, find yourself the support that you need because life is hard and we have to, if we're not good to ourselves and if we're not kind to ourselves first, then how do we expect life to be easier and kinder, right? Michelle Choairy: Yeah, for sure. Well, Lati, thank you so much for being on the show. appreciate it. We will have ⁓ the notes ⁓ how to find you and all of that on the notes for the show. Thank you so much. And everyone, welcome. Everyone, we'll see you next week. Bye bye. Lati Ghanem: Thank you.