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Why do men cheat? · Head Shrink Inc.

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_01: Hey there, men are often notorious for having affairs and cheating on their girlfriends and wives.
• 0:06
  SPEAKER_01: Let's talk about that.
• 0:19
  SPEAKER_00: Your ancestor life.
• 0:21
  SPEAKER_00: Related daily living.
• 0:26
  SPEAKER_01: Hey friends, it's another beautiful day in the Pacific Northwest.
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_01: It's great outside.
• 0:32
  SPEAKER_01: I'd love to be able to do this outside, but I gotta be uh inside where there's very little noise to be distracting to you.
• 0:41
  SPEAKER_01: I'm in a different location, so you have to tell me if the sound is different in here.
• 0:46
  SPEAKER_01: I feel like I'm kind of in a box.
• 0:48
  SPEAKER_01: In a way, I kind of am, but uh I'm not in an actual box.
• 0:52
  SPEAKER_01: So uh I wanted to talk about one of the things that um often couples come in to see me about is uh affairs and cheating and general unfaithfulness in a relationship.
• 1:05
  SPEAKER_01: And inevitably it often um becomes the men who cheat.
• 1:10
  SPEAKER_01: And I I don't know the statistics, but usually when my door um is open to couples and and it centers around some type of betrayal or unfaithfulness, it's usually the guy.
• 1:23
  SPEAKER_01: And oftentimes it's it's interesting because the phone calls I get will be a guy saying, I'm desperate for an appointment, my wife's about to leave me.
• 1:32
  SPEAKER_01: And I'll I'll ask, Oh, what's going on?
• 1:34
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, she found out I had an affair.
• 1:36
  SPEAKER_01: And so then um then you know I make the appointment.
• 1:39
  SPEAKER_01: It's it's sometimes it's the wife that calls, but usually there's an ultimatum that's given um of some something like, if you don't get us into counseling, I'm leaving, right?
• 1:51
  SPEAKER_01: And so then the guy doesn't want a divorce to happen, so he's the one that calls.
• 1:55
  SPEAKER_01: So every year um there's thousands of men all over the world that uh cheat on wives, girlfriends, fiancés.
• 2:04
  SPEAKER_01: Um thousands of dollars get spent on divorces, countless therapy sessions happen, thousands of dollars get spent on flowers and chocolates and diamond rings and things like jewelry.
• 2:18
  SPEAKER_01: Um people that get caught in in the midst of that betrayal uh you know often ask the question, why did this happen?
• 2:26
  SPEAKER_01: Um so there could be several simple answers to the why, but I I've I've found that while there maybe are simple answers, the problems that l lead to cheating usually run much deeper.
• 2:37
  SPEAKER_01: And so that's why it's important when you're picking someone to marry or be in a long-term relationship with somebody, um, it's important you pay attention to several of the things that I'm gonna be talking about right now.
• 2:51
  SPEAKER_01: Um one of the bigger things, and and I'm in a I'm in a um counseling situation right now where this issue specifically is coming up and where a couple probab where a couple who is gonna get married shouldn't be getting married because of character.
• 3:12
  SPEAKER_01: Um this particular case, the character of the of the guy is horrible.
• 3:21
  SPEAKER_01: He's flirting with other women, he's potentially using drugs, he's you know not working, etc.
• 3:28
  SPEAKER_01: etc.
• 3:29
  SPEAKER_01: But yet the the woman is in love and sees a good side of him.
• 3:35
  SPEAKER_01: That's great.
• 3:36
  SPEAKER_01: He may have a good side, but good sides aren't gonna last for five years.
• 3:41
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, five years from now, you're not gonna be thinking, most likely, at least in my experience, of working with couples, you're not gonna be thinking, oh, they hell they have that good side at least, even though they're a horrible husband and a horrible father, at least they have some good character traits.
• 3:58
  SPEAKER_01: No, I I think that paying attention to someone's character is super important when you're considering uh being in a relationship with them.
• 4:08
  SPEAKER_01: And so one of the reasons men cheat is because they just have poor character, they don't value commitment and um a monogamous relationship.
• 4:19
  SPEAKER_01: And so usually you're gonna be able to see that prior to marrying someone.
• 4:23
  SPEAKER_01: That's why premarital counseling is helpful.
• 4:25
  SPEAKER_01: That's why interacting with their friends, letting your fiance interact with your family and friends, because your family and friends care about you, and they're gonna want to point out to you if they think that this person that you're with is not a good fit.
• 4:38
  SPEAKER_01: Um, a second thing that can lead men to cheat is a fear of intimacy.
• 4:43
  SPEAKER_01: So it's this is often used as uh as kind of a cliche phrase when someone uh gets uncomfortable with connecting with another person.
• 4:52
  SPEAKER_01: Yet when someone has multiple affairs um and can come and go in relationships that and it has nothing to do with um deep knowing of someone or or common traits, it simply has to do with sexual interaction.
• 5:08
  SPEAKER_01: It usually means they're not comfortable with with intimacy.
• 5:11
  SPEAKER_01: They're comfortable with sex, which is kind of is it's an intimate act, but there's a lot more that goes along with sex than just the intimate act.
• 5:18
  SPEAKER_01: There's knowing the person, there's valuing the person, there's um going deeper with the person, being kind to the person.
• 5:26
  SPEAKER_01: And so there's this general fear of intimacy often that goes along with a person or with a guy cheating on their significant other.
• 5:33
  SPEAKER_01: Um, there's parenting that's supposed to happen, right, that that creates intimacy between two people.
• 5:39
  SPEAKER_01: Um one-night stands do not create intimacy.
• 5:44
  SPEAKER_01: Um, several one night stands do not create intimacy.
• 5:47
  SPEAKER_01: Um, sexting does not create intimacy.
• 5:50
  SPEAKER_01: And so generally, if if you marry somebody that has a fear of intimacy, chances are high that they're gonna probably cheat on you at some point.
• 5:58
  SPEAKER_01: Um, another thing to pay attention to is discontent.
• 6:02
  SPEAKER_01: Uh and and so if you marry somebody that um is discontent in general, it's a it's a good sign that there may be um an affair ahead.
• 6:14
  SPEAKER_01: And and here's why.
• 6:14
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, pop culture is always talking about the next best thing, the newest trend, the hottest celebrity.
• 6:19
  SPEAKER_01: You go stand in a checkout line um at the store and you'll see a magazine that says, do this one thing in the bedroom and everything will be amazing.
• 6:28
  SPEAKER_01: Um, and so a lot of times men may think, My sex life is boring, I need to spice it up, spice it up.
• 6:34
  SPEAKER_01: But you, the significant other, isn't interested in spicing it up, you're completely content with um what happens in the bedroom.
• 6:42
  SPEAKER_01: And so what then will happen is a complaining or resentfulness starts to build up in the guy, and he will then seek out other people to complain to, which is often the female co-worker at work that he has some attraction to, and and now that's cliche, right?
• 6:58
  SPEAKER_01: So that conversation starts, then um a lunch starts, and then going out to drink starts, and then an affair happens.
• 7:06
  SPEAKER_01: Um all because there's some discontent in the marriage.
• 7:10
  SPEAKER_01: That's when you need to go seek out a third party to help you get through stuff.
• 7:15
  SPEAKER_01: If your husband or your partner says, Oh, we can figure this out, maybe try for a couple months to figure it out, but if it doesn't get figured out, immediately find a third party.
• 7:25
  SPEAKER_01: Because you don't want to wait five years down the road when it's when basically you are both done, and then you're hoping that some magic wand from a therapist is going to solve all your problems.
• 7:35
  SPEAKER_01: The sooner you can go to a therapist to get help with discontent, the better.
• 7:39
  SPEAKER_01: Um, so this one's a little bit difficult, difficult for women to own.
• 7:44
  SPEAKER_01: I think in a lot of relationships that I interact with, the the the woman in the relationship has a lot of control of the relationship.
• 7:53
  SPEAKER_01: And there could be any number of reasons for the control.
• 7:56
  SPEAKER_01: It could be past history, it could be I have to control him or he's gonna go cheat.
• 8:00
  SPEAKER_01: I I mean, for whatever reason, control is there.
• 8:03
  SPEAKER_01: And so if you if you're in a place where you're having to control your partner, this is not gonna bode well for your relationship.
• 8:09
  SPEAKER_01: The sooner you can loosen the grip, the sooner your relationship will be so much better, or the sooner it will end, and then potentially you'll you'll feel better.
• 8:17
  SPEAKER_01: Because when men in general, when men believe they're they're being controlled, they will oftentimes react to it, and they will react to it by complaining to their their bros at work, or they'll react to it by complaining to their um female co-workers at work, and then it puts you in a bad light, and then it leads men to um want to be out of the home because no one, I mean, no one wants to be controlled, it's not a good feeling.
• 8:46
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, I you as a woman, you don't want to be controlled by your man, and so I think it's important to know just to be honest with yourself like, am I a controller?
• 8:54
  SPEAKER_01: Am I controlling my husband?
• 8:56
  SPEAKER_01: And once you can own that and and recognize that in yourself, then you can start to change that kind of behavior in the home.
• 9:04
  SPEAKER_01: Um, a lot of times, and this could go back to like some discontent, I guess.
• 9:09
  SPEAKER_01: Men may feel caught in a rut in a relationship, and so the rut leads them to believe that you know the grass is greener somewhere else.
• 9:17
  SPEAKER_01: And it's it's a little bit similar to discontent.
• 9:20
  SPEAKER_01: It is different that it's more fueled by the routine of life, you know, getting up with kids, taking kids to events, going to work nine to five, um, not connecting with your spouse, not having date nights, and things like that, and and kind of living separate lives.
• 9:36
  SPEAKER_01: And so couples in that dilemma, they often start with saying, like when they come and see me, they the the big thing that they say is, we don't have anything in common anymore.
• 9:46
  SPEAKER_01: Well, generally that's true because they've formed they've made their life so they don't have anything in common anymore.
• 9:52
  SPEAKER_01: Um, and so my encouragement to them, just as generally, is you gotta find ways to get things back in common, right?
• 9:59
  SPEAKER_01: And that's hard because you've you've taken, you know, however many years to create this life for yourself, and it's a very separate life.
• 10:08
  SPEAKER_01: And what I'm suggesting is like you're gonna have to stop doing some of those things that create separateness in your relationship.
• 10:14
  SPEAKER_01: Um addiction is another reason that men may cheat.
• 10:17
  SPEAKER_01: They may be addicted to drugs, they may be addicted to sex, and you may be in a relationship with a man who's willing to take risky behaviors that typical that that will do risky behaviors that typical people wouldn't do or take, all and all in the name to satisfy a sexual need.
• 10:36
  SPEAKER_01: And so I think of in the news Robert Kraft was just um caught up in a sex sting at a massage parlor.
• 10:43
  SPEAKER_01: Um that's risky behavior, right?
• 10:46
  SPEAKER_01: Um or men who I've worked with men who will go and uh visit prostitutes in another town and come back home, that's risky behavior.
• 10:58
  SPEAKER_01: Any if you're married to somebody that is willing to take that kind of risk, simple counseling isn't gonna work.
• 11:04
  SPEAKER_01: They're probably gonna need to go to some type of sex addiction group to work through some of the challenge that they have and some of the issues that are um coming up in the relationship with you that you have with them.
• 11:16
  SPEAKER_01: A final thing um that I think that a lot of relationships where there's cheating happens is respect.
• 11:24
  SPEAKER_01: Respect is not happening.
• 11:26
  SPEAKER_01: Um men highly value respect, and so when when the woman they're in a relationship with consistently doesn't show uh that she respects her man, he will find somebody that does respect him, and inevitably that person um is often at work, or they find him on an app, or they find him at a club, social club that they go to, or at the gym, or what have you.
• 11:57
  SPEAKER_01: This respect can be shown in simple ways, right?
• 12:00
  SPEAKER_01: You may be saying, Well, I don't know how to respect my husband, he's such a jerk.
• 12:03
  SPEAKER_01: Well, there was a period of time that you did respect them enough to marry them, and so you got to get back to those initial feelings that you had for him, or those initial ways of showing respect that you did show in the beginning of the relationship with him.
• 12:18
  SPEAKER_01: So, do you let your guy know that you value him for what he does?
• 12:22
  SPEAKER_01: Do you let him know that he is important to you?
• 12:25
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, if you're not doing those basic kinds of things, then he's going to look for those basic kinds of things elsewhere.
• 12:33
  SPEAKER_01: Um the reason I think it happens at the workplace so often is that those are places where the the guy can show, like they're doing work, right?
• 12:43
  SPEAKER_01: And they're being valued, there's and they're getting recognized for the value that they um have at work.
• 12:50
  SPEAKER_01: And and so potentially there's respect from other coworkers that are female at work, and so that feels good to a guy.
• 12:57
  SPEAKER_01: Um, so those types of respect-driven relationships lead to more conversations, more interactions, more involvement.
• 13:05
  SPEAKER_01: That doesn't need to actually happen because if you were showing that same kind of interest in your spouse at home, um there's a potential that it wouldn't happen.
• 13:15
  SPEAKER_01: And so then ultimately that lack of interest at home can potentially lead to affair.
• 13:21
  SPEAKER_01: Now, some some may say when they're hearing this that I'm blaming the woman, and I want to I want to you to hear very clearly from me that I'm not blaming the woman for an affair.
• 13:33
  SPEAKER_01: I don't, I often don't think an affair is as simple as, oh, the guy just went out and cheated.
• 13:39
  SPEAKER_01: I think there's a multitude of different things that can lead a guy to go out and cheat.
• 13:45
  SPEAKER_01: Um, but ultimately it's the guy's responsibility for what he did.
• 13:50
  SPEAKER_01: And so I in no way place blame on people other than the person that's doing the affair.
• 13:57
  SPEAKER_01: But I do recognize that there's a complicated um series of relational things that are going on that lead a person to have an affair.
• 14:07
  SPEAKER_01: Now, and and I'm talking specifically about men.
• 14:10
  SPEAKER_01: You know, women have a list of things that lead them to have affairs as well.
• 14:14
  SPEAKER_01: Um, and and we'll there will be a podcast on that eventually.
• 14:18
  SPEAKER_01: But this I want to specifically focus in on men.
• 14:21
  SPEAKER_01: So there are many things, hopefully you can see, there are many things that can lead to affair.
• 14:26
  SPEAKER_01: This is just a short list of things that that I've seen that can lead to affairs.
• 14:30
  SPEAKER_01: But the key is to make sure that you're doing everything in your power to pay attention to things that can lead to the affair.
• 14:36
  SPEAKER_01: And so I've given you several things.
• 14:38
  SPEAKER_01: And if there's any of these things that are going on in your life that you just feel like you can't manage, um, my encouragement to you is to get with a local therapist to help you start having difficult conversations about some of these things and some of the worries that you may have in the relationship.
• 14:55
  SPEAKER_01: And uh, and maybe you are in the midst of an affair, or maybe your husband you did catch your husband in an affair.
• 15:01
  SPEAKER_01: Um, it's worth trying to work it out, especially if you have kids.
• 15:05
  SPEAKER_01: It's worth trying to work it out rather than just say, I'm done, I'm not gonna have a relationship with you.
• 15:09
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, that's my opinion.
• 15:11
  SPEAKER_01: I'm pro very pro-marriage, and so uh I I think you should at least give it a go in trying to work it out.
• 15:19
  SPEAKER_01: Um, most cheating relationships, and I want to leave you with this, most cheating relationships begin with a conversation fueled by a starving relationship at home.
• 15:27
  SPEAKER_01: And so I would encourage you if if you think that maybe you have a starving relationship at home, that you solve that problem by feeding the relationship that you have at home.
• 15:39
  SPEAKER_01: Hey, thanks for listening in today.
• 15:41
  SPEAKER_01: Uh I'm Doc David, and my website is docdavid.net, and you can email me at Headshrink Inc.
• 15:48
  SPEAKER_01: That's HeadShrinkinc at gmail.com.
• 15:52
  SPEAKER_01: Have a great weekend.