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Money & Marriage · Money And Wealth With John Hope Bryant

0:00
Speaker 1: Welcome the Money in Wealth with John Hobryant, a production
0:03
Speaker 1: of the Black Effect Podcast Network and iHeartRadio. Hey, Hey
0:15
Speaker 1: is John Hope Bryant. And this is Money and Wealth
0:18
Speaker 1: And the theme of this week's episode is hot. Now
0:22
Speaker 1: that's not the theme I'm talking about. The topic is hot.
0:24
Speaker 1: You guys are going to be talking about this one
0:26
Speaker 1: for a long time and nobody wants to talk about it.
0:29
Speaker 1: It's money and dating and marriage. All right, let's get
0:33
Speaker 1: at this. The first thing I want to deal with
0:36
Speaker 1: is in the trending topic of the week, this brother,
0:39
Speaker 1: you know, really decent brother. It appears he it was
0:43
Speaker 1: all over social media. Still is Ashley Brother went with
0:47
Speaker 1: his wife for dinner for one of his wife's girlfriends.
0:50
Speaker 1: And he knew, like I know all of you know,
0:53
Speaker 1: I know most of Shafer's good friends. So if I'm
0:56
Speaker 1: going to, you know, go to a surprise party whatever,
1:00
Speaker 1: I might be the one if Chase was busy to
1:03
Speaker 1: invite the rest of her crew. Right, So in this example,
1:06
Speaker 1: Chase's my wife, by the way, Chase Bryant. So in
1:08
Speaker 1: this example, this brother, I don't know the backstory, but
1:12
Speaker 1: it appears his wife's girlfriend was having a birthday. He
1:16
Speaker 1: agreed to sponsor the birthday girl and his wife. Makes
1:20
Speaker 1: perfect sense to me, makes perfect sense to you, So
1:23
Speaker 1: far right? Okay, Somehow the brother ends up inviting the
1:26
Speaker 1: girlfriends of the birthday girl to a birthday dinner. So far,
1:31
Speaker 1: so good. Right, now you know what's coming next. This
1:36
Speaker 1: is us I'm talking about. Now, I'm not picking on us,
1:39
Speaker 1: but I'm talking about a high profile Flossie. You know
1:44
Speaker 1: where I'm going. And this is for anybody, Flossy, any race,
1:47
Speaker 1: but anybody who knows a sister or brother. You know
1:50
Speaker 1: where I'm about to go, young Flossie. And I guess
1:54
Speaker 1: a little entitled Dinner's nice, it's over, and the bill comes.
1:58
Speaker 1: It's seven hundred dollars. Looks like it's about seven people
2:01
Speaker 1: at the table. And my man says, can you bring
2:04
Speaker 1: me a check? From me and the birthday girl and
2:05
Speaker 1: my wife and then of course split the rest of
2:07
Speaker 1: the check out exceptarate checks. Makes perfect sense to me.
2:11
Speaker 1: The girls go cray cray on his brother. They go
2:13
Speaker 1: absolutely nuts, what are you talking about? And somebody's filming this,
2:17
Speaker 1: I guess, because they're just filming the birthday dinner and
2:19
Speaker 1: they get all this drama. On tape. But the short
2:22
Speaker 1: version is the girls go nuts on this brother and
2:25
Speaker 1: start lecturing him, including the birthday girl. By the way,
2:28
Speaker 1: she'd be off my Christmas list for the next time around.
2:31
Speaker 1: Me and my mate would have to have separate conversations
2:33
Speaker 1: about about homegirl. So the homegirl starts lecturing the man
2:37
Speaker 1: about how he has a responsibility. Oh, this is ghetto,
2:40
Speaker 1: she says, why are you not paying for everybody else?
2:42
Speaker 1: Now I might take a little bit of abuse from
2:46
Speaker 1: the birthday girl, given that it's her birthday and somebody
2:49
Speaker 1: I guess should be paying other than her. But when
2:51
Speaker 1: the guests start talking about you're the only man at
2:55
Speaker 1: the table, what does that mean? You know, some cases,
3:01
Speaker 1: I'm my own woman, And you know, a man is
3:02
Speaker 1: not a plan or whatever the thing is. You know
3:05
Speaker 1: in some cases is respect me and so on and
3:07
Speaker 1: so forth, and so on and so on. And by
3:09
Speaker 1: the way, I'm a brother that opens doors, and my
3:11
Speaker 1: mother raised me that way. And I just offer to
3:14
Speaker 1: pay for the bill if I'm in the presence of
3:16
Speaker 1: ladies chienerally speaking anyway, But that doesn't mean that somebody
3:19
Speaker 1: should not offer to cover their own expense. I'm not
3:23
Speaker 1: your daddy, I'm not your partner, I'm not your mate,
3:26
Speaker 1: I'm not your I'm not your financial sponsor. I'm not
3:29
Speaker 1: responsible for you. Right, You're responsible for you, and you're
3:32
Speaker 1: responsible for your eats, for your meals. And yes, I
3:36
Speaker 1: you know, maybe I invite you to come to a
3:37
Speaker 1: birthday dinner, but you have dominion an agency over your
3:40
Speaker 1: own life. And just like you paid for the valet
3:43
Speaker 1: and the gas when you came to that dinner, and
3:45
Speaker 1: all the phone calls on the way to that dinner,
3:47
Speaker 1: and the phone you're using at that dinner, I don't
3:50
Speaker 1: see why you should assume that you're not paying for
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Speaker 1: the dinner itself unless I volunteer to sponsor it, which
3:57
Speaker 1: is graciousness out of my own heart. But how dare
3:59
Speaker 1: you assume presume? And you know that old phrase, when
4:03
Speaker 1: you assume, you make an ass out of you and
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Speaker 1: me hello, But I don't know how you presume or
4:08
Speaker 1: assume anything in this situation yet alone. What responsibility is
4:13
Speaker 1: so called I have in this situation or in this case, Sorry,
4:18
Speaker 1: I'm gotting all hot now, because it's somebody who's got
4:20
Speaker 1: some means. I'm always finding that people expect I'm a
4:23
Speaker 1: pay for whatever it is, you know, going on. Maybe
4:25
Speaker 1: I'm getting a little PATSD here. But the brother here
4:29
Speaker 1: was just and he never lost as cool as you'll see,
4:31
Speaker 1: he's very, very smooth. He's very respectful even though he's
4:34
Speaker 1: being disrespected, and he holds his ground. The lady's like,
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Speaker 1: you're the only man at the table. Now you need
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Speaker 1: to pay for this. You're invited us. He invited you,
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Speaker 1: but he didn't say I'm hosting, I'm sponsoring. It'd be
4:44
Speaker 1: a different thing to me. He says, I'm hosting you
4:46
Speaker 1: and then reneged on that. And that's not what happened.
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Speaker 1: They just assumed and presumed. So that's there bad right now.
4:56
Speaker 1: I do want your opinion on this way in, But
4:59
Speaker 1: I'm telling you that's just being raised proper right. Nobody's
5:04
Speaker 1: responsible for your bills just because you're pretty and because
5:07
Speaker 1: you you're a woman, and I guess you think you're
5:09
Speaker 1: cute and all that kind of stuff, And that doesn't
5:11
Speaker 1: that doesn't mean that the guy is just responding. And
5:13
Speaker 1: this guy he said, look, he says, look, I'm taking
5:16
Speaker 1: care of my wife. That's my responsibility. And I'll even
5:19
Speaker 1: offering to take care of the birthday girl. You know,
5:22
Speaker 1: the rest of you. I thought I just told you
5:24
Speaker 1: what was going on, right, and the rest is you know,
5:27
Speaker 1: this is your bill's on you now. I guess he
5:29
Speaker 1: might have also said, if you had been nice to me,
5:32
Speaker 1: maybe I would have paid your bill. But I'm not paying.
5:35
Speaker 1: Is what you copping not only an attitude, but a dude,
5:40
Speaker 1: all right, let me know what you think about this.
5:43
Speaker 1: It to me, this is just absolutely Craig Cray. This
5:46
Speaker 1: is just a this is just common sense, like and
5:49
Speaker 1: good manner. It's just good home training. That's what I'm
5:51
Speaker 1: talking about. It's good home training to say that I
5:53
Speaker 1: take care of myself. I cover my own bill. And
5:55
Speaker 1: if you covered, god, bless you and thank you. But
5:57
Speaker 1: don't come to me with a sense of entitlement. How
6:00
Speaker 1: a spirit of appreciation not a spirit of expectation. You
6:04
Speaker 1: have a period spirit of appreciation. I'm with you all day,
6:07
Speaker 1: all night. You're kind, You're gracious. I'll lean in and
6:10
Speaker 1: say you say, hey, I'm you know, I'm covering my
6:12
Speaker 1: piece or a Joe whatever, here's my credit card. I
6:16
Speaker 1: might then say, no, no, don't worry about that. Susanna
6:18
Speaker 1: or whatever your name is. I got you just because
6:20
Speaker 1: I you know you may have, you know, but the
6:21
Speaker 1: rest of y'all, I can't say what I'm thinking. The
6:24
Speaker 1: rest of y'all. That not offering your car, You're definitely
6:27
Speaker 1: paying for yours. All right, anyway, watch that, Listen to that.
6:31
Speaker 1: Let me know what you think. Okay, how stuff works?
6:44
Speaker 1: The money in marriage segment, this is this is going
6:47
Speaker 1: to be hot and popping. You thought that the trending
6:50
Speaker 1: topic section was hot, wait for this, right, and this
6:55
Speaker 1: is this should just be a radical movement of common sense.
6:57
Speaker 1: But whenever you involve money and emotions, it's going to
7:02
Speaker 1: be messy. And nothing is messier than a love relationship.
7:07
Speaker 1: But I think we've gotten marriage twisted. In fact, I
7:10
Speaker 1: know we have, and I'm going to unpack what marriage
7:14
Speaker 1: really is and I'm going to go through a lot
7:16
Speaker 1: of very detailed and difficult questions in this podcast. And
7:20
Speaker 1: then let's, as my friend Charlemagne, like God would say,
7:23
Speaker 1: let's discuss. And I'm honored to be on the Black
7:27
Speaker 1: Effect Network with Charlemagne, by the way, sir, on his board,
7:30
Speaker 1: and have this podcast where we can have these conversations
7:33
Speaker 1: every week. This is my ministry of finance, This is
7:36
Speaker 1: my pull pit, this is my weekly Opportunity on every Thursday.
7:40
Speaker 1: Tell your friends to subscribe to unpack the mysteries of
7:44
Speaker 1: money and wealth creation and all the stuff that you
7:47
Speaker 1: wanted to ask questions about you're curious about, and you
7:50
Speaker 1: were maybe too embarrassed, too ashamed for some reason to ask,
7:53
Speaker 1: and nobody havlunteered to tell you. You never got the memo
7:55
Speaker 1: on money. You're not dumb, and you're not stupid, you're brilliant.
7:58
Speaker 1: But it's what you don't know that you don't know.
8:00
Speaker 1: This killing you, but you think you know. And here's
8:03
Speaker 1: one example. Now I'm gonna deal with dating first and marriage.
8:08
Speaker 1: But you're dating your girlfriend, boyfriend, you're living together, your
8:12
Speaker 1: partners in a business together, your friends with intertwined finances together.
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Speaker 1: Here's the rule number one that will apply to all
8:20
Speaker 1: three of these examples. I'm giving you this is the
8:23
Speaker 1: only time that maths do not make sense. Two plus
8:26
Speaker 1: two has to equal more than four. If two plus
8:29
Speaker 1: two does not equal six, eight, or ten, what are
8:31
Speaker 1: you doing? If you're not better together? What are you doing? Right?
8:37
Speaker 1: So that's the first rule is that if you're in
8:40
Speaker 1: a relationship, you have to be better together. That person
8:43
Speaker 1: has to make you better, or, to quote my friend
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Speaker 1: Quincy Jones, the worst thing that being alone is wishing
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Speaker 1: that you were. The four rules of financial literacy in
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Speaker 1: a relationship. Now, this is when you are finances are intertwined,
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Speaker 1: you're living together, and or you're married. Four rules, four components,
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Speaker 1: Four places on the playing field. Place number one you
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Speaker 1: can make the money and spend it. Place number two
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Speaker 1: you can make the money and manage it. Place number three.
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Speaker 1: This is the respective of who's where there's male or
9:18
Speaker 1: female making the money. By the way, place number three
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Speaker 1: you can manage the money and spend it in accordance
9:25
Speaker 1: with the budget that you both agree on and priorities
9:29
Speaker 1: and all that stuff, and cadence meaning the process by
9:32
Speaker 1: which you spend money. But you can't just spend it.
9:36
Speaker 1: I'm gonna say that one more time. Please don't veer
9:38
Speaker 1: off the road. If you're listening to this, don't go
9:41
Speaker 1: don't flip your car. You may have to pull over
9:44
Speaker 1: and listen to this again. Hit the reverse fifteen second
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Speaker 1: mark and go back because this is really basic, but
9:49
Speaker 1: almost everybody misses this. And by the way, the number
9:53
Speaker 1: one calls her divorce is money. The number one calls
9:57
Speaker 1: for domestic abuse is money. The number one calls for
10:01
Speaker 1: police injury on domestic abuse calls. It's tied to domestic
10:06
Speaker 1: abuse calls about money. The number one calls for heart
10:09
Speaker 1: attacks is stress. The number one calls for stress is money.
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Speaker 1: Ninety percent of employees on the job today say their
10:20
Speaker 1: number one stressor is money. And just real talk. If
10:25
Speaker 1: you see a long, drawn out, contentious divorce proceeding, people
10:30
Speaker 1: say it's over this, and it's over that, and he
10:32
Speaker 1: did this, and she did that, and so on and
10:35
Speaker 1: so forth. But if you see a divorce is extending weeks,
10:39
Speaker 1: no months, no years, right, Unfortunately, something extended years, you
10:45
Speaker 1: can just add zeros because if it's extending weeks or months,
10:50
Speaker 1: then they're probably middle class to wealthy. If it's extending years,
10:54
Speaker 1: they're uber wealthy. But if you did broke, that thing's
10:57
Speaker 1: over in a day. If it's two broke people getting
11:01
Speaker 1: a divorce, it's like, Okay, I'm done, I'm done, tired
11:03
Speaker 1: to you, I'm tired of you. Okay, where's the paper,
11:05
Speaker 1: let me sign it. I'm out of here. If there's
11:07
Speaker 1: a long contentious divorce, I hate to tell it. I
11:10
Speaker 1: was so excited about this. I just connected two words.
11:14
Speaker 1: I hate to tell you I said, I hate to
11:16
Speaker 1: say it. I hate to say it. But that's over money.
11:22
Speaker 1: Well you say no, no, no, no, John, that's over the children. Really,
11:28
Speaker 1: there's no child support tied to the claim around the children.
11:33
Speaker 1: Are we just arguing over who's going to keep the child? Okay,
11:37
Speaker 1: don't trust me, Go look at the proceedings yourself. Ninety
11:40
Speaker 1: nine percent of the time it's who's responsible for the child,
11:44
Speaker 1: and by the way, the other person has to pay
11:46
Speaker 1: for the child's up keep. I'm not saying it's right
11:50
Speaker 1: or wrong. I'm not saying it's good or bad. I'm
11:52
Speaker 1: telling you the way it ti is. That's about money, Okay,
11:56
Speaker 1: alimony that's a fancy word for saying living expenses. And
12:01
Speaker 1: family court is interesting. It's the only place where it's
12:06
Speaker 1: not strictly the rule of law. Right, it's basically who
12:10
Speaker 1: does the judge in the process like favor whatever or
12:14
Speaker 1: dislike the least, and who's got the money. Now, you
12:17
Speaker 1: know it can be slightly more complicated than that, but
12:20
Speaker 1: you know, it sort of boils down to likability and
12:25
Speaker 1: you know, drawing this process out because the whole the
12:28
Speaker 1: longest draws out the machine, the you know, the lawyers,
12:31
Speaker 1: the clerks. All you're in doing is in enriching the
12:34
Speaker 1: lawyers and all the processes those folks have to get paid.
12:37
Speaker 1: And the longer this thing goes back and forth with
12:40
Speaker 1: proceedings and testimony and whatever, the more the process is
12:45
Speaker 1: eating up your net worth whatever you have between you
12:48
Speaker 1: and your spouse or farmer spouse. So this is about money.
12:54
Speaker 1: Nine times out of ten is being drawn out because
12:57
Speaker 1: it's an argument over money. Again, I'm not saying that
12:59
Speaker 1: that that's right or wrong. I'm telling you that's the
13:01
Speaker 1: way a TI is. And that's not even the topic
13:03
Speaker 1: of this. That's not even the central point of this podcasts.
13:06
Speaker 1: As it said, this is how contentious and crazy this
13:09
Speaker 1: thing is because no one talks about this. Maybe I'm
13:12
Speaker 1: the first person to break this down in this way,
13:14
Speaker 1: not emotionally, but that's the least dramatic thing probably that
13:19
Speaker 1: I'm going to say. Let me go back to the
13:21
Speaker 1: four rules again. I want to make sure you write
13:23
Speaker 1: these down. There's four rules for a successful financial literacy
13:26
Speaker 1: amongst two people working together sharing resources. Number One, the
13:30
Speaker 1: person makes the money, they have the right to make
13:33
Speaker 1: it and theoretically to spend it. It's their money, and
13:37
Speaker 1: you don't get to tell them to spend that not
13:38
Speaker 1: they can't spend their money. It's just because you're connected
13:41
Speaker 1: to them. Unless there's a pre agreement in that regard.
13:45
Speaker 1: Number two, that person can make the money and decide
13:48
Speaker 1: to manage it and not spend it. Make it invested,
13:51
Speaker 1: make it, put it on it, you know, do whatever
13:52
Speaker 1: they want with it, give it away if they want to.
13:55
Speaker 1: So as long as they're made in their family obligations
13:58
Speaker 1: making it, you can make it and spend it and launs'
14:00
Speaker 1: meeting your family obligations. And by the way you spend
14:03
Speaker 1: it irresponsibly, you may not be married very long. So
14:07
Speaker 1: this is this story. I have a friend of mine
14:10
Speaker 1: who was at that point president of a very prestigious publication.
14:13
Speaker 1: I can't say too much or you might be made
14:14
Speaker 1: a backtrack and find his name. And I was staying
14:17
Speaker 1: with him as a guest in New York because New
14:20
Speaker 1: York's very expensive and this is the early years of
14:21
Speaker 1: Operation Hope, and I needed to say money wherever I could,
14:24
Speaker 1: and so I was staying at this place. He was
14:25
Speaker 1: gracious enough to allow me to stay there, and he
14:27
Speaker 1: comes back from a meeting with a bunch of black folks.
14:29
Speaker 1: He's white, very fair minded guy, but he's not black.
14:32
Speaker 1: And he's meeting with all these black people in his
14:34
Speaker 1: offices and they're just going They're talking on and on
14:35
Speaker 1: and on and on and on about something that he
14:38
Speaker 1: didn't necessarily relate to, yet alone agree with. And so
14:42
Speaker 1: he came home to his house where I was staying,
14:45
Speaker 1: very upset and frustrated. Man, I'm listening to these people
14:47
Speaker 1: all day. I guess he forgot it was black and
14:50
Speaker 1: are just so comfortable with me. And I said, look,
14:54
Speaker 1: I'm gonna say Joe because if I say again, I'm
14:55
Speaker 1: not gonna say it's real name, because you might. You're
14:57
Speaker 1: so smart the audience, you may put two and two
14:59
Speaker 1: together there. I'm gonna call him Joe. His name is
15:02
Speaker 1: not Joe. Hey, Joe, do you like being married? He's like,
15:05
Speaker 1: what does that have to do with the price of
15:06
Speaker 1: tea in China? Yes, of course I like the I
15:08
Speaker 1: like being married. But I'm telling you about this thing
15:10
Speaker 1: that happened in my office day. And they talked forever,
15:12
Speaker 1: and I, you know, I got really tired. I said, look,
15:15
Speaker 1: do you like being married? Yes? I said, Look, your
15:17
Speaker 1: wife may say something that you may think doesn't make
15:21
Speaker 1: much sense. And you sometimes may say some stuff, I'm
15:24
Speaker 1: sure do that she because you're saying something now doesn't
15:26
Speaker 1: make any sense. That doesn't make any sense to her.
15:29
Speaker 1: But in this example, she's saying something and you don't
15:31
Speaker 1: think it makes much sense. Now you may tell her
15:34
Speaker 1: that in that moment you think that she sounds crazy
15:37
Speaker 1: or she is crazy, but sounds crazy is offensive enough.
15:41
Speaker 1: I mean, maybe she said, you know, I don't know.
15:45
Speaker 1: She just saw a horse gallivanting on the moon, she
15:48
Speaker 1: saw with her own eyes, and now she wants to
15:50
Speaker 1: go ride the horse. I'm just saying something completely ridiculous.
15:53
Speaker 1: And now that technically might mean that she was on
15:56
Speaker 1: mushrooms at that moment, or had done too much marijuana,
15:59
Speaker 1: had to should rink, or maybe she is momentarily crazy.
16:02
Speaker 1: But if you say you sound crazy, you might be
16:06
Speaker 1: technically correct, but you won't be married. You got to
16:10
Speaker 1: decide whether you want to be married or you want
16:12
Speaker 1: to be right. Those two things are different. So if
16:16
Speaker 1: you decide to make the money and spend it, that's
16:18
Speaker 1: you're right, but you may not be married very long.
16:21
Speaker 1: Make the money and manage it, Okay, that's more responsible
16:24
Speaker 1: and managing it means you're going to also take care
16:25
Speaker 1: of your shared responsibilities. And by the way, you can
16:28
Speaker 1: also if you're not the one making the money, you
16:30
Speaker 1: can manage it and under agreement with the person making it,
16:33
Speaker 1: spend it. So now you're both on the same page
16:36
Speaker 1: and you're not when your outfloks het, you're inflowed and
16:38
Speaker 1: your overhead will be your downfall. So you're not creating
16:42
Speaker 1: a stressful situation where the person comes home and they're like,
16:47
Speaker 1: what is this? I mean, why don't there's no Why
16:49
Speaker 1: isn't there no money in the account? Why is a
16:51
Speaker 1: credit card built exploding? And that's just an argument waiting
16:55
Speaker 1: to happen because they're like, I can time, I can't
16:58
Speaker 1: make it fast enough. You're always spending it, and stop it,
17:01
Speaker 1: knock it off, right, So that's going to end badly.
17:05
Speaker 1: Right again, the majority of divorces and majority of drama
17:08
Speaker 1: is money related, even though it may seem like it's
17:11
Speaker 1: another situation, and what you absolutely cannot do is just
17:17
Speaker 1: spend it. The inference there is that you're not making
17:20
Speaker 1: it and you're not managing it, and you're not communicating.
17:23
Speaker 1: You're just on fire with that credit card or checks
17:26
Speaker 1: or whatever atm withdrawals and you're just spending it. That
17:30
Speaker 1: I guarantee you is a relationship that will not last.
17:34
Speaker 1: So those are ground rules. Write those down. It'll work
17:37
Speaker 1: if you apply that to your business partnerships, entangled friendships,
17:42
Speaker 1: you're dating relationships, your girlfriend boyfriend, relationships where you're sharing finances,
17:47
Speaker 1: you're certainly you're living together, anything where you're living together
17:50
Speaker 1: or you're conjoined together, and certainly marriage. Okay, I guarantee
17:57
Speaker 1: you that will make life a lot easier for you.
17:59
Speaker 1: And if you have someone who is not yet completely
18:03
Speaker 1: captured the concept of budgeting, then just give them an
18:07
Speaker 1: allocation of whatever you're going to afford and cap it
18:10
Speaker 1: like so, you're not in an argument, right, It's not
18:13
Speaker 1: bad or good, by the way, this is just you know,
18:16
Speaker 1: making things work because you know, everybody has a different
18:19
Speaker 1: role in the relationship. Traditionally, it would be said, although
18:23
Speaker 1: these roles often switch, the man turn creates a house,
18:26
Speaker 1: the woman turns it into a home. It could also
18:28
Speaker 1: be the other way around. The woman is a breadwinner,
18:32
Speaker 1: she creates a house, and the man should be trying
18:36
Speaker 1: to turn that into a home, taking the pressure off
18:38
Speaker 1: his wife. Okay, how does marriage work? Well, I sort
18:43
Speaker 1: of already just just just said a lot of that,
18:46
Speaker 1: and I'm not a marriage counselor, and that's not what
18:48
Speaker 1: this is about. This is about the money and wealth
18:51
Speaker 1: and backstory parts of this. Even though you may pick
18:54
Speaker 1: up some tricks of the trade and some cheat sheet notes,
18:59
Speaker 1: some quick notes about how you can create a less
19:02
Speaker 1: tension in your relationship. So, how does marriage work? Who
19:07
Speaker 1: should you marry? What should be part of the courting process,
19:11
Speaker 1: Thoughts on pre nupts, our marriage back contracts. These are
19:15
Speaker 1: some questions that my folks wanted to and I guess
19:19
Speaker 1: people asking questions wanted me to answer. Before I can
19:22
Speaker 1: answer or address any of that, I've got to dismiss
19:26
Speaker 1: a very very bad presumption about marriage, and this goes
19:32
Speaker 1: to mostly who should you marry? The question. We think
19:38
Speaker 1: that in Western society that marriage is romantic. It might be,
19:44
Speaker 1: but that wasn't the reason why marriage was created. The
19:47
Speaker 1: institution of marriage wasn't created nearly three thousand years before
19:51
Speaker 1: the birth of Christ, meaning before religion was introduced into
19:54
Speaker 1: the whole situation. Marriage did not originate in a romantic situation.
19:59
Speaker 1: Just very dramatic example now, but unfortunately inaccurate one. When
20:02
Speaker 1: you go to the club tonight, ladies and you see
20:06
Speaker 1: a handsome dude. Guys, you go to the club tonight
20:08
Speaker 1: and you see a beautiful woman. Oh, man, she's fine.
20:13
Speaker 1: Oh girl, he's so he's so cute. Oh he's fine. Brother,
20:19
Speaker 1: Oh she's so sexy. What's your name? Cool? Good? So
20:23
Speaker 1: far after that, after pleasantries, what's your credit score? And
20:31
Speaker 1: you think I'm kidding, I don't let it, like literally mean,
20:34
Speaker 1: what's your credit score? But I mean you got to
20:36
Speaker 1: get behind the things that are temporary, which are these
20:39
Speaker 1: looks you're observing. And here's a worse example. Brothers will
20:43
Speaker 1: go to a strip club and fall in love with
20:45
Speaker 1: a stripper, and there's nothing wrong with the stripper. She
20:47
Speaker 1: may be the most she may be the smartest person
20:49
Speaker 1: in the whole room. Because a lot of these ladies
20:50
Speaker 1: who went to college, can't afford to college, don't have
20:53
Speaker 1: wealthy parents, whatever, and go and do this thing, which
20:56
Speaker 1: I'm not judging, you know, to make extra money. Do
20:59
Speaker 1: you really think, by the way, a beautiful woman is
21:02
Speaker 1: in a strip club at two three in the morning
21:03
Speaker 1: and have some two hundred and fifty pound dudes throwing
21:06
Speaker 1: her dollar bills at three in the morning because she
21:08
Speaker 1: likes it. She's there because of the money. Real talk.
21:12
Speaker 1: So this guy, whoever the guy is, goes to a
21:14
Speaker 1: strip club, falls in lust with some woman who may have,
21:18
Speaker 1: by the way, manufactured physique and all that kind of
21:22
Speaker 1: stuff because she's trying to entice somebody. By the way,
21:26
Speaker 1: this is the whole point of this. And what better
21:29
Speaker 1: deal than to just work for tips for the night,
21:32
Speaker 1: get married, and you have a lot of brothers, very
21:35
Speaker 1: successful NBA players, NFL players, rappers, whatever, who will just
21:39
Speaker 1: fall in love with a stripper or whoever and marry
21:43
Speaker 1: them because of how they're looking. I was out with
21:44
Speaker 1: a high profile couple who was taking a high profile
21:48
Speaker 1: guy out for the night. I'm really trying to name
21:51
Speaker 1: names here, and I couldn't stick around for where they
21:53
Speaker 1: went next. Versus going to din they were going to
21:54
Speaker 1: a strip club. I couldn't go, but I wish them well.
21:58
Speaker 1: And I heard later that this person who you would
22:01
Speaker 1: know literally was so enticed by this lady he met
22:04
Speaker 1: at three in the morning, he put her on a
22:05
Speaker 1: plane the next day senator to Los Angeles, put her
22:08
Speaker 1: up for you know, he was trying to have a
22:09
Speaker 1: relationship with her. I hope it works out. Probability is
22:12
Speaker 1: that they won't. But this is the power of attraction. Now,
22:17
Speaker 1: all good, knock yourself out, you know, live the experience
22:20
Speaker 1: you want to live. But that's not the point of marriage.
22:23
Speaker 1: And yes, should you'd be attracted to each other, yes,
22:25
Speaker 1: better that than not right. But let me tell you
22:29
Speaker 1: where marriage came from. Marriage came from different places, at
22:33
Speaker 1: different spaces, with different races, at different times, for different reasons,
22:38
Speaker 1: but most of those led back to wealth and economics
22:43
Speaker 1: and power. In the Middle Ages in Europe, you had
22:46
Speaker 1: cousins and relatives who married each other. They're trying to
22:51
Speaker 1: strengthen the family bond. I think it's a very bad
22:54
Speaker 1: idea for family members to marry each other have matter
22:56
Speaker 1: relations yuck. From my perspective, you can get all kinds
22:59
Speaker 1: of medical problems and passing down to your children. But
23:04
Speaker 1: I'm just telling you that many it was a very
23:06
Speaker 1: commonplace for relatives to marry each other because they were
23:10
Speaker 1: trying to create bonds between the houses, the royal houses
23:14
Speaker 1: in Europe. That's why the bloodlines are so consistent amongst
23:19
Speaker 1: European houses. A royalty because they're all related. Now they
23:26
Speaker 1: also in some cases, in fact, in many cases, slept
23:30
Speaker 1: in different rooms. Hello, there's a presumption that you're going
23:35
Speaker 1: to sleep together today because this is a romantic situation.
23:38
Speaker 1: It wasn't a romantic situation. It was a business situation.
23:41
Speaker 1: It was about power, money, wealth, positioning in the world.
23:44
Speaker 1: Like a lot of things. Are they married relatives and
23:48
Speaker 1: they slept in separate rooms, or they didn't marry relatives,
23:50
Speaker 1: they weren't related, but they slept in different separate rooms.
23:53
Speaker 1: You still have some situations like this in places like
23:55
Speaker 1: India where it's a arranged marriage. In Asia where it's
23:59
Speaker 1: arranged marriage, you don't even know who you marry until
24:01
Speaker 1: your parents put you together. That's not about romance either.
24:04
Speaker 1: They hope you like each other, but that's not the point.
24:07
Speaker 1: It's a class structure. Let me now go to if
24:12
Speaker 1: you want to really blow your mind, check out what
24:14
Speaker 1: traditional eskimos do with guests for dinner. I'm not gonna
24:18
Speaker 1: get into all that because I can't explain in the
24:20
Speaker 1: way that it's culturally sensitive. But you just do your
24:23
Speaker 1: own research. But it's not something that you would immediately
24:27
Speaker 1: recognize as something as a traditional marital habit. You can't
24:33
Speaker 1: judge this stuff. Go to the Middle East. It gets
24:36
Speaker 1: even stranger to a Western mind. You go to the
24:39
Speaker 1: Middle East, and if people want to judge men marrying
24:44
Speaker 1: multiple women. Now, I've been to the Middle East several times.
24:48
Speaker 1: It's been over one hundred countries. I've been in an
24:51
Speaker 1: elevator with a man who was ruling over his multiple
24:55
Speaker 1: wives and one wife, and I thought that was wrong.
24:59
Speaker 1: I still think it was wrong. I still know what's wrong.
25:02
Speaker 1: That's not what I'm talking about. What I'm talking about
25:05
Speaker 1: is that no different than check cashing comes from an
25:07
Speaker 1: honorable place and it's been perverted. And payday lending came
25:10
Speaker 1: from an honorable place. You don't have enough money, you
25:12
Speaker 1: have too much month at the end of your money,
25:14
Speaker 1: and so you need a advance on your paycheck to
25:17
Speaker 1: get you over troubled water. Or check cashing came from
25:19
Speaker 1: grocery stores that would write, would cast your convenience check
25:22
Speaker 1: for you, and the grocery stores figured out that it
25:25
Speaker 1: was more valuable to cast the checks that earn a
25:28
Speaker 1: two percent profit off of no expense of cashing a
25:32
Speaker 1: check for government employee for the government office that they
25:34
Speaker 1: know the check was good than the two percent or
25:36
Speaker 1: three percent of profit they're making on groceries on the
25:38
Speaker 1: shelf and having the fun one that inventory in the
25:40
Speaker 1: grocery store. So they went from a grocery store to
25:42
Speaker 1: a check casher, and then they just started expanding fees.
25:46
Speaker 1: So that went from an honorable thing to an unhonorable thing.
25:49
Speaker 1: Here's another example where something went from honorable to interesting.
25:54
Speaker 1: Where in the Middle Ages, in those periods where there's
25:58
Speaker 1: a lot of warfare in the Middle East, ten men
26:02
Speaker 1: would leave the village and two men would return, and
26:05
Speaker 1: these villages there was a lot of relationships, a lot
26:08
Speaker 1: of family in those villages, and when the two men
26:12
Speaker 1: came back, eight men were murdered or killed in battle.
26:15
Speaker 1: The two men who were left saw these women. There
26:18
Speaker 1: was no police departments, there was no military, there was
26:20
Speaker 1: no streets at night that these women were vulnerable to predators,
26:24
Speaker 1: and so in respect and dignity they gave them. Want
26:27
Speaker 1: to give the women dignity and cover by marrying them
26:29
Speaker 1: into their family and giving all of them cover, protection, security,
26:35
Speaker 1: safety in their family. That's where that originally. Is it
26:39
Speaker 1: shocking to you, by the way, shocking to me when
26:42
Speaker 1: I first found it out when I was in the
26:43
Speaker 1: Middle East and I actually asked the question versus making
26:46
Speaker 1: a presumption or assumption or worse, an accusation. And this
26:50
Speaker 1: is back. This stuff is actually multiple marriages are actually
26:52
Speaker 1: covered as I understand it, in the Qur'an. Somebody can
26:55
Speaker 1: correct me in the comments, but as I understand it,
26:57
Speaker 1: even this is covered in sections of the Quran. But
27:01
Speaker 1: it's irrelevant to this point because it actually happened initially
27:05
Speaker 1: because of warfare and not enough men to cover the women.
27:10
Speaker 1: So men married multiple women. Now, of course, some people
27:14
Speaker 1: men viewed as in a chauvinistic way, a way to
27:17
Speaker 1: rule over women, have power over them, to show how
27:20
Speaker 1: they're such big guys really are showing their small people.
27:24
Speaker 1: I'm trying to get you to understand that in many
27:27
Speaker 1: of these cases, marriage is about business in quotation marks
27:34
Speaker 1: not a business, but it's better together two plus tuotion
27:38
Speaker 1: equals six, eight or ten. Look, there are two women
27:42
Speaker 1: who funded that. I'm aware that I can think of
27:44
Speaker 1: who funded John O'Brien. Two women. I know, I know
27:47
Speaker 1: hundreds of thousands of people, But why am I married
27:50
Speaker 1: to Shae tra Bryant. I think I've ever told this
27:53
Speaker 1: story before there's two women. My mother has given me
27:56
Speaker 1: a check in money in Shadraun, I'd come back from Africa.
28:00
Speaker 1: I've known her for twenty five plush years now, Shatra
28:03
Speaker 1: I'd come back from Africa. I had bought some shon
28:06
Speaker 1: sculptures from Zimbabwe, Africa. Picasso was inspired by I call
28:10
Speaker 1: them African Picassos. And if you look at Picasso's work
28:13
Speaker 1: and you look at stone sculpture work from Zimbabwe, Africa,
28:17
Speaker 1: you will see the influence there. He found these sculptors,
28:21
Speaker 1: it was inspired by them. It took some of their
28:22
Speaker 1: designs and the rest is history. I bought some of
28:26
Speaker 1: his art, brought it home, and I think I had bought,
28:29
Speaker 1: you know, hundreds of pieces, and I didn't calculate the
28:34
Speaker 1: shipping costs, and the shipping costs coused more than the
28:37
Speaker 1: art pieces themselves. These were heavy pieces. When I got
28:40
Speaker 1: here to I lived in Los Angeles at the time.
28:43
Speaker 1: It broke me to pay the shipping bill. And back then,
28:47
Speaker 1: the highest technology you had in the early nineties I
28:50
Speaker 1: believe this was late eighties, early nineties, and I think
28:52
Speaker 1: it was a website, and so I had a website,
28:54
Speaker 1: but I had no way to market these shon of
28:57
Speaker 1: stone sculptures could do nothing. They did set around My
29:00
Speaker 1: thought I was a capitalist even then. I would sell
29:02
Speaker 1: twenty five percent to third of the inventory, pay off
29:06
Speaker 1: the rest of the inventory and all my expenses, and
29:09
Speaker 1: I'd become an art collector by having the rest of
29:12
Speaker 1: the art free and clear. Can I get an amen
29:14
Speaker 1: on that. I was very young when I was doing this.
29:19
Speaker 1: It was a great strategy, but I just hadn't thought
29:20
Speaker 1: it all the way through. So I was talking to
29:24
Speaker 1: Shaper on the phone one day and she said, ow,
29:26
Speaker 1: what's going on with you? And we were friends, and
29:28
Speaker 1: I told her I got myself into a bit of
29:30
Speaker 1: a pickle, got this great art is beautiful, and she's like,
29:33
Speaker 1: oh my god, this is great. So showed her some pictures.
29:35
Speaker 1: I think I think I had a website back then.
29:36
Speaker 1: Showed her the website It's Brian Group Africa back then,
29:39
Speaker 1: and told her my vision and she said, oh, I
29:42
Speaker 1: can help you. Huh, what do you mean you can
29:46
Speaker 1: help me? Well, you know, there's an event going on
29:49
Speaker 1: with wealthy black people mostly coming to it in Hershey, Pennsylvania.
29:54
Speaker 1: It was one of the social clubs that her and
29:55
Speaker 1: her family were members of, the Dalton family. Doctor David Dalton,
29:59
Speaker 1: who to day runs the twentieth lartest black owned business
30:02
Speaker 1: in America, and his wife, missus Amy Dalton, and doctor
30:06
Speaker 1: Dalton were going this event with Schatra back then Shape
30:10
Speaker 1: Dalton and she said, look, you get me this art.
30:13
Speaker 1: I will sell enough at that event they should be paying.
30:17
Speaker 1: But this they can afford that. They are all doing well.
30:19
Speaker 1: They're judges and doctors and lawyers, and they could be
30:21
Speaker 1: paying this stuff and giving back to Africa, and then,
30:24
Speaker 1: you know, solve your problem. And I said that sounds great.
30:27
Speaker 1: When's the event next week? I said, I can't do that.
30:29
Speaker 1: I don't have the money to walk around the corner
30:31
Speaker 1: yet alone get this art to Pennsylvania from the LA.
30:34
Speaker 1: She said, I didn't ask you about any money. Here's
30:36
Speaker 1: a credit card. Just get it shipped here and we'll
30:40
Speaker 1: take care of the rest. I took her credit card.
30:42
Speaker 1: Did never take turn it yes and turn it into
30:44
Speaker 1: a no. Take yes for an answer, say yes to
30:47
Speaker 1: somebody being gracious, don't take it undue advantage of them.
30:50
Speaker 1: I planned on paying her back, but I took that
30:52
Speaker 1: credit card and I put that art on U Haul
30:55
Speaker 1: and had it shipped across the country, and then I
30:58
Speaker 1: bought a two hundred dollars plane ticket up a few bucks.
31:00
Speaker 1: I wasn't dead broke, right, just didn't have the money
31:03
Speaker 1: to market the art. And I flew across the country
31:06
Speaker 1: for a couple hundred bucks on a middle seat you know,
31:09
Speaker 1: sitting on the wing, basically on CheapTickets dot com right,
31:13
Speaker 1: and got there just in time for the event. And
31:16
Speaker 1: as I walked up here as a U haul and
31:18
Speaker 1: it's like six o'clock at night, so it's just getting dark.
31:21
Speaker 1: The events reception starting, just beginning to start this black
31:24
Speaker 1: tie event. I see these workers, and I see this
31:26
Speaker 1: beautiful site. Two him in ball gowns and a man
31:29
Speaker 1: in a tuxedo. I had never met mister and missus
31:31
Speaker 1: Dalton before in my life. This is where you know
31:33
Speaker 1: somebody's got good parents. It comes from good genes. And
31:36
Speaker 1: the parents and chaterer are unloading this art with the workers.
31:42
Speaker 1: No one asked them, they just volunteered to do it.
31:44
Speaker 1: And Chaterer's parents didn't know me from a hole in
31:46
Speaker 1: the ground. They just knew I was her friend. What
31:49
Speaker 1: humility This rule I'm about to give you is not universal.
31:52
Speaker 1: And again I'm not a marriage counselor. But I think
31:55
Speaker 1: it generally works. You want to find a good man,
31:57
Speaker 1: find a man who has a good relationship with his mother,
32:00
Speaker 1: a good woman to find a woman who has a
32:01
Speaker 1: good relationship with her dad. You can still find somebody
32:04
Speaker 1: where that doesn't apply. But this is a cheat another
32:07
Speaker 1: cheat sheet and Shakehe once told me that the first
32:11
Speaker 1: guy she fell in love with that she thought was
32:13
Speaker 1: just amazing was her father. Well, I could see where
32:16
Speaker 1: this came from, and I walked up and of course
32:19
Speaker 1: started to help them. They set the art up. They
32:21
Speaker 1: sold enough for me to pay off enough of that
32:24
Speaker 1: inventory that I was free. Shater got up so upset
32:27
Speaker 1: because she wanted to sell all the inventory that had
32:29
Speaker 1: been shipped there. She said, these folks should have bought
32:31
Speaker 1: all of this stuff they could afford it. And I said,
32:34
Speaker 1: that's very nice of you, very gracious. Got back, thank
32:36
Speaker 1: you so much. How much do I owe you? What
32:38
Speaker 1: do you mean? What do you mean? What do I mean?
32:41
Speaker 1: How much do I owe you? You don't owe me anything?
32:44
Speaker 1: What are you talking about? No, No, I owe you use
32:46
Speaker 1: X for the shipping and the workers and of course
32:50
Speaker 1: profit participation, profit sharing. You know what percentage of the
32:54
Speaker 1: profits that you want from this, I assume it at
32:57
Speaker 1: least be fifty percent. She says, no, no, no, I did this.
33:00
Speaker 1: I'm a friend. That's it. There's no other reason, boom bingo.
33:05
Speaker 1: I knew she was a different person, cut from a
33:08
Speaker 1: different cloth. Then she just did it because it's the
33:09
Speaker 1: right thing to do. Here's a good cheat sheet for
33:12
Speaker 1: a relationship. A giver and a giver exotic, A giver
33:16
Speaker 1: her to taker neurotic, A taker and a taker psychotic.
33:20
Speaker 1: I'll say that in reverse, A taker and a taker psychotic,
33:23
Speaker 1: A giver and a taker neurotic, A giver and a
33:26
Speaker 1: giver exotic. Which one do you have? Are we looking
33:32
Speaker 1: over your mate while they sleep cock eyed and blaming
33:35
Speaker 1: it on me? I'm just making it plain. So marriages
33:39
Speaker 1: came from a business situation. We want to make it
33:42
Speaker 1: all romantic. Look, most things in life in balance are
33:46
Speaker 1: pretty healthy. Alcohol taken in moderation will lower your blood pressure.
33:52
Speaker 1: Wine drugs and moderation are prescribed right. The sleeping moderation
33:57
Speaker 1: will revitalize you over sleep. That's called depression, and it
34:02
Speaker 1: will make you more tired if you're sleeping all day
34:05
Speaker 1: and all night every day. So most things in moderation
34:09
Speaker 1: are healthy and good for you. So you can have
34:12
Speaker 1: this case of making sure your partner can raise children,
34:16
Speaker 1: can mentor those kids, can run a household, can manage finances,
34:23
Speaker 1: manage your budget, help you make decisions, make make you
34:26
Speaker 1: a better person. Two plus two six eight ten two
34:29
Speaker 1: plus two egos four two plus two equals three. Meaning
34:33
Speaker 1: you're dragging this person all the way through their life
34:36
Speaker 1: and day babysitting an adult. And my opinion is going
34:40
Speaker 1: to cost you a lot. So now what by actually
34:43
Speaker 1: not answering these questions, I've actually answered a lot of
34:47
Speaker 1: these questions. How does marriage work? Who should you marry?
34:52
Speaker 1: What should be a part of the courting process? Thoughts
34:55
Speaker 1: on pre nupts. Look, I knew a friend who married
35:00
Speaker 1: a sister and he had a prenup and that person
35:04
Speaker 1: was asked to write the prenup and they wrote a
35:07
Speaker 1: bad prenup. And now this is on the front end
35:10
Speaker 1: of this relationship. They're madly in love. Whatever, So the
35:12
Speaker 1: man asked the woman to write the prenup just to
35:14
Speaker 1: show him. She was trying to show her how much
35:16
Speaker 1: he trusted. And you know how this wasn't a big deal.
35:19
Speaker 1: Was just he was trying to protect his assets and
35:22
Speaker 1: you know, formality, so on and so forth in case
35:23
Speaker 1: something happened to her or whatever or whatever, who will knows,
35:27
Speaker 1: in case things got messy. But he wanted to make
35:29
Speaker 1: sure she was taken care of. And so he wasn't
35:32
Speaker 1: trying to take advantage of her, just saying, hey, I
35:34
Speaker 1: made this money, this wealth before I met you, right,
35:37
Speaker 1: and I'm just you know, let what let's build something.
35:39
Speaker 1: What we build together is ours, right, And she went
35:44
Speaker 1: and wrote this prenup that was no good and she
35:49
Speaker 1: knew that from Jump Street. So when they broke up,
35:51
Speaker 1: it was, you know, a series of uncomfortable conversations. And
35:55
Speaker 1: imagine how that guy felt. Right, and this could happen
35:58
Speaker 1: the other way around. By the way the households, Black
36:01
Speaker 1: households are run by women. In many cases, the woman
36:04
Speaker 1: is the one bringing in the big bucks, and it
36:07
Speaker 1: might be her that her net worth and income. I've
36:12
Speaker 1: know of a situation I can think of right now
36:13
Speaker 1: where oh, I'm thinking about a specific situation. And this
36:17
Speaker 1: was a very wealthy couple. You used to stay at
36:19
Speaker 1: their house all the time in California when I traveled
36:22
Speaker 1: there in northern California. He romanced her white couple and
36:27
Speaker 1: married her, made her feel safe, said he was this
36:30
Speaker 1: big baller. She was actually already doing very well. She
36:35
Speaker 1: bought the houses and all that stuff, and he went
36:39
Speaker 1: off and did his thing anyway. They did his thing, me,
36:41
Speaker 1: not their thing, did his thing for himself. They get
36:44
Speaker 1: a divorce and she and he takes her to the cleaners,
36:48
Speaker 1: and because ultimately it finds out he has nothing and
36:51
Speaker 1: she's the one making the money, she has to pay
36:54
Speaker 1: him alimony, even though he's the jerk in the whole situation,
36:58
Speaker 1: which clearly was a manipulation and a setup from jump.
37:02
Speaker 1: In both these situations, a person knew from day one
37:05
Speaker 1: they were manipulating the other and had intended to get
37:08
Speaker 1: in that marriage for financial gain, not because they love
37:12
Speaker 1: the other person. And this person, this lady I know,
37:16
Speaker 1: is still just retreated from social life in some ways
37:19
Speaker 1: because she's so hurt. And I get that right. So
37:23
Speaker 1: it's not about the prenup, it's about the people writing it.
37:27
Speaker 1: So you can have a situation where there is no
37:29
Speaker 1: prenup but the person's character is strong so that you
37:33
Speaker 1: don't need one, or you have a prenup because people
37:35
Speaker 1: are like, well, of course I don't want and it's
37:37
Speaker 1: not mine, and sure, so this is cool. Think about
37:40
Speaker 1: the situation with Kevin Costner recently where they had children
37:46
Speaker 1: and seemingly a great relationship and then they didn't and
37:48
Speaker 1: she went off, and it appears when I mean, I'm
37:51
Speaker 1: not saying Kevin Costner was a saint. I'm sure he
37:53
Speaker 1: was an interesting person, maybe hard to deal with, but
37:57
Speaker 1: it seems like both of them were full of drama.
38:00
Speaker 1: She went off and did her thing you fill in
38:02
Speaker 1: the blanks, and she started asking for a mint like
38:07
Speaker 1: day one, and the judge denied her, and he had
38:11
Speaker 1: and there was a prenup and the judge upheld it.
38:14
Speaker 1: I believe she still got a nice check, but it
38:17
Speaker 1: was a fraction of what she wanted every month and
38:19
Speaker 1: what she wanted in the end, and God don't like ugly,
38:21
Speaker 1: and it didn't turn out so nice for the people
38:23
Speaker 1: trying to manipulate him in that situation. But both of
38:26
Speaker 1: them are miserable now they're not. There's no winners in
38:28
Speaker 1: a divorce. It's a death right, so you can have
38:31
Speaker 1: all the money in the world, and instead doesn't guarantee
38:33
Speaker 1: you of being happy. So our marriage is bad contracts. No,
38:39
Speaker 1: they're wonderful. It's about bad people. So marriages, like money,
38:44
Speaker 1: like success, just amplifies who you really are already. If
38:48
Speaker 1: you're a good person, money success marriage just makes you
38:52
Speaker 1: a better person. If you're a bad person, you're a jerk.
38:55
Speaker 1: It just makes you a bigger jerk. Right, So as
39:00
Speaker 1: you need to do is understand the origin story. I
39:02
Speaker 1: try to lay some of that out. I don't use
39:05
Speaker 1: notes when I do this stuff, so I'm just telling you,
39:08
Speaker 1: giving you a sense of where my head is. You know,
39:11
Speaker 1: on these topics. There's probably a dozen more examples of
39:15
Speaker 1: the origins of marriage. I gave you a European example.
39:19
Speaker 1: I gave you an Indian example. I gave you an
39:21
Speaker 1: Middle Eastern example. I gave you, you know, the Western example.
39:25
Speaker 1: You're living it. And I've told you about the millennial
39:28
Speaker 1: sort of approach to this, or the young people's approach
39:30
Speaker 1: to this, which is, I don't know blinging approach to this,
39:33
Speaker 1: which is you know this almost in the moment only situation,
39:38
Speaker 1: which you don't want to make a decision in an
39:41
Speaker 1: instant that creators your life forever, and you know, you
39:47
Speaker 1: get hooked up with the wrong person with ill intent,
39:50
Speaker 1: and it will follow you forever. I mean, there are
39:53
Speaker 1: people who will target you to hook up with you,
39:57
Speaker 1: to connect you with them for life through a child,
40:02
Speaker 1: and they don't love you, they love the situation. There
40:05
Speaker 1: was another podcaster I'd lot to give him credit. I
40:07
Speaker 1: can't remember his name. At the moment, he was like,
40:09
Speaker 1: most relationships are conditional, is conditioned upon you know, do
40:15
Speaker 1: you fund me, do you sponsor me? Do you take something?
40:18
Speaker 1: And if you don't do that, then the contract's over.
40:20
Speaker 1: You know, you don't believe me. Look at what happens
40:23
Speaker 1: five years after an NFL player leaves the NFL. The
40:27
Speaker 1: contract's over. Look, don't trust me. The vast majority of marriages,
40:31
Speaker 1: the vast majority, end in divorce within five years of
40:35
Speaker 1: a professional NFL player or NBA player losing their job. Hello,
40:42
Speaker 1: So we could go on with this forever. I hope
40:44
Speaker 1: you found this valuable. I am a fan of relationships.
40:48
Speaker 1: I'm a fan of love. But love is work. Non
40:52
Speaker 1: love is laziness. Anti love is evil. Evil exists, but
40:55
Speaker 1: it's very rare. Most people are just lazy, financially lazy,
40:59
Speaker 1: spiritually lazy, intellectually lazy, emotionally lazy. They don't want to
41:03
Speaker 1: do the work, They want somebody to do it for them.
41:06
Speaker 1: And only in the dictionary does the success come before
41:08
Speaker 1: the word work because it's alphabetical. So love is work
41:13
Speaker 1: and I believe God is love. Get that love is
41:15
Speaker 1: work and I believe God is love. So why wouldn't
41:20
Speaker 1: if God separate man and woman as a spirit so
41:22
Speaker 1: that we might come together as a union to learn
41:25
Speaker 1: from each other. Because you don't grow except through constructive friction,
41:28
Speaker 1: then why wouldn't you want to be in a relationship,
41:32
Speaker 1: to have a union, to have a bond. But you
41:35
Speaker 1: need to make sure that when you connect with somebody,
41:39
Speaker 1: that person is a long term player. They're playing for
41:43
Speaker 1: the marathon, not the one hundred yard dash. They're playing
41:46
Speaker 1: for the long, long haul and not for the short sell.
41:49
Speaker 1: They are a win win, not win lose. They are
41:53
Speaker 1: a giver and a giver, not a taker and a
41:56
Speaker 1: giver meaning you, because that will end badly. You want
42:01
Speaker 1: exotic A giver and a giver is exotic. You want
42:03
Speaker 1: to thus go through the process of marriage counseling. If
42:08
Speaker 1: you have to talk to a pastor, if you have
42:10
Speaker 1: to talk to a marriage counselor, if you have to
42:12
Speaker 1: upset that twice because I want to emphasize it. Talk
42:15
Speaker 1: to yourself. Whatever decision you make emotionally is a bad decision. Hello,
42:19
Speaker 1: Whatever decision you make purely emotionally is a bad decision.
42:23
Speaker 1: Just be thoughtful about it. And if somebody really loves you,
42:25
Speaker 1: they're not going to run away because you're not making
42:27
Speaker 1: a decision in this instant, or making a decision irrationally,
42:32
Speaker 1: or because you want to just simply protect what you've
42:34
Speaker 1: built your whole life and not put it at risk.
42:37
Speaker 1: Because you have fallen in love with somebody, you think
42:39
Speaker 1: you have a un reasonable about it right, and you
42:42
Speaker 1: would never want to hurt somebody you love. So if
42:45
Speaker 1: a relationship doesn't work out, you should want them to
42:48
Speaker 1: be good when you are done, particularly if they're raising
42:52
Speaker 1: your children. Why would you want to penalize somebody raising
42:55
Speaker 1: your children. You're penalizing your child. And please never use
42:58
Speaker 1: your children as pongs and negotiating points between relationships. And
43:02
Speaker 1: stop all this baby daddy and baby I'm not getting
43:04
Speaker 1: off way off script now, but stop all this baby
43:06
Speaker 1: daddy and baby mama stuff. Nobody, no kid wants to
43:09
Speaker 1: think that they are baby daddy situation of mommy daddy.
43:13
Speaker 1: I can't get this out of my mouth straight. I'm
43:14
Speaker 1: so frustrated about it. You want a mother and a father,
43:17
Speaker 1: you want parents? Hello? Can I get an amen? No,
43:19
Speaker 1: baby daddy, no, baby mama. I don't know what that
43:22
Speaker 1: is you want. This is my mother and this is
43:25
Speaker 1: my father. These are my parents, and they love me
43:28
Speaker 1: whole and complete. My mother told me she loved me
43:30
Speaker 1: when Nita Smith, God bless her, God rest her soul,
43:33
Speaker 1: and God bless her. So she told me every day,
43:35
Speaker 1: I love you. She told me, I love you every
43:37
Speaker 1: day of my life. There's nothing more powerful than a
43:40
Speaker 1: child being told they're loved by their parent. Nothing. So
43:43
Speaker 1: there's a difference between being broken being poor. Being broken
43:46
Speaker 1: is economic. Being poor is a disabling frame of mind,
43:49
Speaker 1: a depressed condition of your spirit. EMA's vow never ever
43:52
Speaker 1: ever to be poor again. That is the ethos of
43:54
Speaker 1: Operation Hope to this very day, by the way, come
43:57
Speaker 1: to Operation Hope for counseling, for financial counseling as part
43:59
Speaker 1: of that marriage counseling at marriage AD marriage planning process.
44:03
Speaker 1: Because you want to buy a home, you want to
44:04
Speaker 1: make investments, you want to build together. You want to
44:07
Speaker 1: build together that's what you want to be, that's what
44:08
Speaker 1: you want to do. You want to build together. You're
44:10
Speaker 1: not building together, then what are you doing? You can
44:12
Speaker 1: be single and just date each other, like if you're
44:14
Speaker 1: not building something, what are you doing? You don't have
44:17
Speaker 1: to be marriages because you're a madically attracted to somebody
44:20
Speaker 1: and that cannot be the only criteria. Can me get
44:23
Speaker 1: off my horse here? Start riding another one? An award
44:28
Speaker 1: this one out fan question. Samantha Soupei s A M
44:41
Speaker 1: T h E. Underscore s Upe from Instagram says, just
44:44
Speaker 1: move from Detroit to Chicago. Rental rates are crazy? How
44:47
Speaker 1: should I prep my budget carefully? Is the answer? Yeah,
44:53
Speaker 1: Detroit is going to have a lower cost of living
44:55
Speaker 1: than Chicago by by far. The further you get away
44:58
Speaker 1: from the from the Senate of Chicago, the further get
45:02
Speaker 1: away from the center of enterprise business activity, the cheaper
45:05
Speaker 1: the rental rates are going to be. Also, you want
45:07
Speaker 1: to think about maybe you had an your own apartment
45:10
Speaker 1: or your own house that you rented in Detroit, but
45:12
Speaker 1: when you get to Chicago, you may want to think
45:14
Speaker 1: about an apartment or an efficiency suite. You may want
45:17
Speaker 1: to have roommates, you may get a house and then
45:21
Speaker 1: and then get creative and do an airbnb situation on
45:25
Speaker 1: some of the rooms of the home, having somebody else
45:28
Speaker 1: to pay the bills for you. Similar it's like the
45:30
Speaker 1: reverse of a roommate. Well, it's actually the business version
45:34
Speaker 1: of a roommate. Go to operation hope they will help
45:38
Speaker 1: you create a budget. You don't want to spend more
45:41
Speaker 1: if you can than a thirty eree income on your housing.
45:44
Speaker 1: My father spent a half of our income on housing.
45:47
Speaker 1: So poor and struggling families sometimes because they have less
45:50
Speaker 1: complicated life. Sometimes it can work if you really are
45:54
Speaker 1: thoughtful about your bills, to spend half of your income
45:58
Speaker 1: on housing. But you know, my family has a lot
46:02
Speaker 1: of other expenses, so housing cannot be the overwhelming expense.
46:06
Speaker 1: But a but when I was coming up, we were
46:08
Speaker 1: a lower income and housing was the most expensive thing
46:12
Speaker 1: we had in our house. And we didn't have multiple
46:14
Speaker 1: cars and all that stuff. We had a house and
46:16
Speaker 1: we had a car. So my father made that a work,
46:19
Speaker 1: but it was handed hand combat every month. So don't
46:22
Speaker 1: feel bad if you're just struggling here, but you need
46:25
Speaker 1: to trip pull every trick of the trade out of
46:27
Speaker 1: the toolbox. Earn income tax credit. If you're making less
46:30
Speaker 1: than sixty thousand dollars a year, you got a check
46:32
Speaker 1: coming to you from the federal government. If you're living
46:35
Speaker 1: in Detroit and you're a teacher and you moved to
46:38
Speaker 1: Chicago and you make thirty eight thousand dollars a year,
46:40
Speaker 1: you're going to need to have be creative about housing.
46:42
Speaker 1: And if you have three children when you'd made that move,
46:45
Speaker 1: you're going to also be able to get a check
46:47
Speaker 1: back from the federal government of about sixty five hundred dollars.
46:50
Speaker 1: And if you never filed EITC, it's retroactive for three years,
46:53
Speaker 1: so there's now almost twenty thousand dollars as a starting
46:56
Speaker 1: point for your new life in Chicago. Go to Operation
47:00
Speaker 1: to Hope to explain how to do all of that
47:02
Speaker 1: for you, and good luck. This is John O'Brien. This
47:06
Speaker 1: is Money and Wealth. This was a firecracker of an episode.
47:09
Speaker 1: I'm sure you're many things at the moment, but you're
47:11
Speaker 1: on board. I'm out. Money and Wealth with John O'Brien
47:29
Speaker 1: is a production of the Black Effect Podcast Network. For
47:32
Speaker 1: more podcasts from the Black Effect Podcast Network, visit the
47:35
Speaker 1: iHeartRadio app Apple Podcasts or wherever you listen to your
47:40
Speaker 1: favorite shows. The dep