Latest / Do You F*cking Mind? / How to REALLY stop caring about what people think of you (E)

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How to REALLY stop caring about what people think of you (E) · Do You F*cking Mind?

0:14
Speaker 1: Hello, beautiful beans, and welcome to the podcast episode of Today.
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Speaker 1: So today is an Encore episode because I am going
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Speaker 1: on maternity leave. I have hand selected with my assistant Shanai.
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Speaker 1: We've hand selected episodes that we think will be like
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Speaker 1: just honestly your favorite. They're episodes that have either really
0:37
Speaker 1: great feedback or have been shared a lot amongst you guys,
0:41
Speaker 1: or have been shared a lot on socials and reshared
0:43
Speaker 1: on stories, so we thought, you know, we'd bring back
0:45
Speaker 1: kind of the top favorites are the ones that resonated
0:47
Speaker 1: the most with you guys. So I'm going on just
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Speaker 1: three well, the podcast is going on three weeks of
0:54
Speaker 1: maternity leave. I am going on four months of maternity leave.
0:58
Speaker 1: But fear not, fretnot, I have created an entire back catalog.
1:04
Speaker 1: So after these three weeks of Encore episodes, you will
1:07
Speaker 1: be receiving your normal dose of a Monday episode and
1:10
Speaker 1: a head Noise episode, and also some really cool mini
1:13
Speaker 1: series scattered throughout up until the end of the year,
1:16
Speaker 1: and then I will come back for regular programming mid
1:19
Speaker 1: January after kind of the Christmas break. So without fucking
1:23
Speaker 1: around any further, enjoy the episode. The encore episode of
1:27
Speaker 1: today loving guys so much. In today's episode, of course,
1:30
Speaker 1: I have the topic of today's episode, and I have
1:33
Speaker 1: a brain fact. And the brain fact, I think is
1:35
Speaker 1: going to be something that's really really interesting because it
1:38
Speaker 1: might actually be affecting a lot of people who are
1:40
Speaker 1: listening to this podcast right now. And there's people that
1:42
Speaker 1: I have mentioned this too that have never heard about
1:45
Speaker 1: this ever, and it's been like a way toward a
1:52
Speaker 1: solution for them. Okay, now, the topic of today's episode
1:56
Speaker 1: is how to really stop caring about what people think
2:00
Speaker 1: a few so that way you can be more carefree.
2:03
Speaker 1: This is something that is so fucking paralyzing for so
2:05
Speaker 1: many people, and with good reason. I'm going to explain
2:08
Speaker 1: why it is that we feel this way, why it
2:10
Speaker 1: can be so crippling, and then I'm going to go
2:12
Speaker 1: through ways that you can actually tackle it physically, like
2:17
Speaker 1: things that you can actually be doing to tackle it,
2:19
Speaker 1: but also from a psychological perspective, so you are able
2:24
Speaker 1: to deal with these emotions in a way that don't
2:27
Speaker 1: consume you and don't stop you from living the life
2:29
Speaker 1: that you want to live, and you're able to push
2:31
Speaker 1: through them in the most productive way possible because as
2:34
Speaker 1: you guys, know, when I try and give solutions, it's
2:36
Speaker 1: not about how to eliminate this feeling altogether. A lot
2:39
Speaker 1: of the feelings that we feel. It's not about I
2:42
Speaker 1: never want to feel this feeling again. It's about I
2:44
Speaker 1: want to be as productive with this feeling as possible.
2:48
Speaker 1: Because so many feelings that we feel, whether it's insecurities,
2:50
Speaker 1: whether it's fear, they just act as an alarm and
2:53
Speaker 1: sometimes they're of real good use, sometimes they're not. So
2:56
Speaker 1: it's just how do I identify this alarm and do
2:59
Speaker 1: something about it? Okay, minimize it or eliminate it, or
3:02
Speaker 1: act accordingly. So that's what we're going to be learning about.
3:06
Speaker 1: You want to be equipped with all these tools. So
3:09
Speaker 1: small things, don't you know, fucking cock block you from
3:14
Speaker 1: the big things that you want in your life. Let's
3:19
Speaker 1: get into the brain factor of today, and the brain
3:21
Speaker 1: factor of today is around something called central sensitization. Central
3:26
Speaker 1: sensitization is very common in people that experience chronic pain. However,
3:32
Speaker 1: not all chronic pain is due to central sensitization, not
3:36
Speaker 1: at all, So it just plays a big role in it.
3:38
Speaker 1: But it doesn't mean that if you experience chronic pain
3:40
Speaker 1: that you definitely have central sensitization. That's not the case.
3:44
Speaker 1: Central sensitization is a phenomenon where there is an enhancement
3:49
Speaker 1: in the function of the neurons and the circuits that
3:52
Speaker 1: are involved in no susceptive pathways. So it causes this
3:57
Speaker 1: echo or this remembered pain. And this happens because there's
4:01
Speaker 1: an increase in something called membrane excitability and synaptic efficacy.
4:08
Speaker 1: And then there's this I'm going to break this all
4:10
Speaker 1: down in a second, so I don't worry, but there's
4:11
Speaker 1: this reduced inhibition and it's basically a form of neuroplasticity
4:17
Speaker 1: that causes you to feel chronic pain. This is really
4:20
Speaker 1: common in back pain as well. Okay, Now this is
4:23
Speaker 1: an example of how neuroplasticity can work, not in a
4:27
Speaker 1: good way, because I talk about neuroplasticity all the time
4:30
Speaker 1: about how good it is, especially self directed neuroplasticity and
4:33
Speaker 1: all of that. But here's an example where neuroplasticity is
4:35
Speaker 1: not helping a sister out at all, is doing the opposite. Okay.
4:40
Speaker 1: So this all has to do with how your central
4:42
Speaker 1: nervous system processes sensory inputs. Okay, So normally Let's say
4:49
Speaker 1: you are sitting down and you're in a position for
4:53
Speaker 1: a really prolonged period of time and it causes you
4:55
Speaker 1: to feel like a twinge in your back. It's really uncomfortable.
4:58
Speaker 1: So what's happened is you've been in a position. The
5:00
Speaker 1: position is there for like prolonged, prolonged, prolonged, and then
5:03
Speaker 1: you start getting signals being like this hurts. This is
5:05
Speaker 1: really uncomfortable. This hurts because your body is saying change
5:08
Speaker 1: the position. If I stay in this position for too long,
5:10
Speaker 1: something's going to tighten or seizeup. It's not good. So
5:13
Speaker 1: then you move and once you move, then the pain
5:16
Speaker 1: signals go away. Okay, so this is normally what's going
5:19
Speaker 1: on when everything's running smoothly. If you were to injure
5:23
Speaker 1: your back, slip a disc, you were to do something,
5:25
Speaker 1: you were to fall over, slip, something was to happen
5:28
Speaker 1: to your back, you would get this crazy amount of
5:30
Speaker 1: pain signals sent to the brain. And the reason for
5:33
Speaker 1: this pain signal is to obviously let your brain know
5:35
Speaker 1: something's wrong, and you respond accordingly. You move less. You
5:39
Speaker 1: know you're not doing these big movements. You really hesitant
5:42
Speaker 1: with your movements. You're trying to get your body, give
5:45
Speaker 1: your body an opportunity to heal, and you do that
5:47
Speaker 1: by reducing movement. Again, that's relatively normal. Okay. What's happening
5:52
Speaker 1: here is that in central sensitization this input is processed differently.
5:58
Speaker 1: So you have the original stimulus which has caused you
6:01
Speaker 1: the pain in the first place. That's normal. So far,
6:03
Speaker 1: so good, same input. However, the processing at the level
6:07
Speaker 1: of the spinal cord for people who have central sensitization
6:11
Speaker 1: or for people who develop it, is way more sensitive
6:14
Speaker 1: and it actually changes how that input is being processed
6:17
Speaker 1: at the level of the brain. This is what then
6:20
Speaker 1: leads to chronic pain. So what happens is that process
6:25
Speaker 1: gets altered for whatever reason. And we're not exactly sure
6:28
Speaker 1: why this occurs in some people, but I will tell
6:30
Speaker 1: you on how it can be treated. But for some
6:32
Speaker 1: reason in certain people that pathway gets heightened. And I
6:37
Speaker 1: mentioned earlier something around remembered pain. So for whatever reason,
6:41
Speaker 1: this signal keeps getting sent to the brain again and
6:45
Speaker 1: again and again, after the stimulus that has caused the
6:47
Speaker 1: pain has gone or after the injury has healed. So
6:51
Speaker 1: you might be someone that has had a legitimate injury,
6:55
Speaker 1: but then you've healed from that injury, but the signals
6:57
Speaker 1: are still being sent to the brain that that injury
6:59
Speaker 1: is very much still present and very much still a
7:02
Speaker 1: danger and if you move, you're going to exacerbate that injury.
7:04
Speaker 1: It's going to cause more issues. So we're getting this
7:09
Speaker 1: remembered pain, we're getting this heightened sensitivity in those neurons
7:13
Speaker 1: responsible for sending that message. And then you're getting a
7:16
Speaker 1: reduction in inhibition, which means that the pathway is responsible
7:20
Speaker 1: for inhibiting that signal because we no longer need to
7:23
Speaker 1: send that signal. Are not working properly. So it's this
7:26
Speaker 1: whole range of things that are causing which is basically
7:28
Speaker 1: causing a pathway to send a message of danger when
7:31
Speaker 1: there is no danger present. And this happens for a
7:34
Speaker 1: prolonged period of time, and it's what can be chronic
7:37
Speaker 1: and it can be extremely debilitating because from the patient's perspective,
7:40
Speaker 1: doesn't fuck it matter what's causing the pain. They're in
7:42
Speaker 1: a world of pain. They are experiencing the pain. They're
7:45
Speaker 1: not pretending. They're not like, oh, but I think no,
7:48
Speaker 1: it's legit. The pain is there. There's just no stimulus
7:52
Speaker 1: that should be causing this signal to be sent to
7:54
Speaker 1: the brain. So people who have never heard of central sensitization,
7:59
Speaker 1: or who don't understand and the mechanisms behind it, who
8:01
Speaker 1: don't know what it is in the first place, who
8:03
Speaker 1: are experiencing it, might actually think that they've just got
8:06
Speaker 1: a really low pain tolerance, or they might think that
8:08
Speaker 1: their pain is extremely threatening if the pain is not
8:12
Speaker 1: explained to them. So one of the ways, and I'll
8:15
Speaker 1: go into it in detail, one of the ways of
8:17
Speaker 1: treating central sensitization is by teaching the patient about central sensitization,
8:23
Speaker 1: so you can actually start treating how to deal with
8:27
Speaker 1: that pain in a way that's going to calm those
8:29
Speaker 1: pathways down. Now, for a lot of people, this pain
8:34
Speaker 1: increases over time and it spreads to other areas because
8:38
Speaker 1: you're getting all this activation in certain neurons and certain fibers,
8:42
Speaker 1: and then that is kind of influencing the surrounding areas.
8:45
Speaker 1: So it's getting more intense and it's increasing and based
8:47
Speaker 1: on how the person is behaving around their response to
8:50
Speaker 1: that pain, it's basically being played out in how they're
8:54
Speaker 1: experiencing that pain. Now, this is not explained by damage.
8:58
Speaker 1: It's explained by hyperconsitivity off the nervous system in that region,
9:04
Speaker 1: and in this case it's you could liken it to
9:09
Speaker 1: an over active alarm. So normally, if you look at
9:12
Speaker 1: a fire alarm, a fire alarm detects smoke and then
9:15
Speaker 1: it sends off a signal. It's saying, hey, there's danger here,
9:17
Speaker 1: you need to move, or hey there's been an injury here,
9:19
Speaker 1: you need to do something about it. Okay, But sometimes
9:22
Speaker 1: you'll have an oversensitive fire alarm that the smallest thing
9:26
Speaker 1: will set off the alarm and you're like, this is
9:28
Speaker 1: fucking annoying. I need to reset this alarm or I
9:31
Speaker 1: need to do something about it. But I can't keep
9:32
Speaker 1: going this way because this alarm's going off when there's
9:34
Speaker 1: not even this hint of smoke. This is kind of
9:37
Speaker 1: what's going on here. You'll do a normal movement that
9:39
Speaker 1: would not cause pain normally, but it's triggering literally a
9:42
Speaker 1: perfect use of the word trigger. It is triggering this
9:45
Speaker 1: pathway to send these signals of pain to your brain
9:49
Speaker 1: when you're doing just a stretch. Whereas your brain is like,
9:53
Speaker 1: oh my god, I've slipped a disc, when you've actually
9:55
Speaker 1: just stretched in a normal movement that is completely normal
9:58
Speaker 1: within your normal range of movement, the kind of person
10:00
Speaker 1: that you are based on how you normally move. Okay,
10:03
Speaker 1: so we're getting this overactive, broken alarm system that's ruining
10:07
Speaker 1: your fucking life. Okay, it's basically going off when there's
10:11
Speaker 1: no trauma. It's recognizing pain where there is no damage.
10:14
Speaker 1: And unfortunately, this just does not disappear that easily. It
10:20
Speaker 1: can be healed over a long period of time, but
10:22
Speaker 1: it's quite difficult because, like I said, you could be
10:24
Speaker 1: strengthening these pathways based on how you're behaving to this
10:28
Speaker 1: fear response and to this pain response, because it's scary.
10:31
Speaker 1: You think I'm going to slip a disc, I've pinched
10:32
Speaker 1: a nerve, I'm going to pinch a neve. So you
10:34
Speaker 1: live very your movement is very, very restricted, and therefore
10:38
Speaker 1: it exacerbates how your body is responding to this pain.
10:42
Speaker 1: So the way it can be treated, there's several ways
10:45
Speaker 1: that you can treat this. It's obviously not an overnight cure,
10:48
Speaker 1: but the number one way, and obviously this has to
10:51
Speaker 1: be diagnosed, reason being that you have to determine that
10:55
Speaker 1: there actually isn't something that's causing that pain. In the
10:57
Speaker 1: first place. Okay, so you need someone to do You
10:59
Speaker 1: need proper scans. You need to make sure that there
11:02
Speaker 1: legitimately isn't something causing this pain. You're not in danger
11:06
Speaker 1: of injuring yourself more. Once you can identify that what
11:09
Speaker 1: is going on is central sensitization, then it's a two
11:14
Speaker 1: pronged approach, an emotional psychological approach and then a physical
11:18
Speaker 1: approach as well. Once you know that this is what's happening,
11:22
Speaker 1: it's an overinflammation where already the fear in patients is
11:26
Speaker 1: reduced and there's all this data explaining it. It's like
11:29
Speaker 1: a big part of the treatment is explanation to the
11:31
Speaker 1: patients of what's actually happening in their central nervous system.
11:34
Speaker 1: So they've got to understand what's going on, number one,
11:36
Speaker 1: and they've got a lot of people have never explained
11:40
Speaker 1: it to these patients in the first place. They've no
11:41
Speaker 1: fucking idea what's going on, and they just dismissed them, Oh,
11:44
Speaker 1: there's nothing there, there's nothing that's causing that pain. Just
11:45
Speaker 1: go home, you'll be fine. Meanwhile, this pathway is going crazy.
11:49
Speaker 1: So number one, it's going to be explained to them properly.
11:51
Speaker 1: They need to understand the root of it, and a
11:52
Speaker 1: clinician would understand it, hopefully better than what I have
11:55
Speaker 1: on this podcast in detail. But that's number one. Number two,
11:59
Speaker 1: it's going to reduce that fear that you're going to
12:01
Speaker 1: injure yourself if you move more. Once you have that
12:04
Speaker 1: logic understanding, It's like, even if I was to do
12:07
Speaker 1: something that caused it to fire up, I'm at least
12:09
Speaker 1: not fearful that I've caused more pain. I understand what's
12:12
Speaker 1: going on in my nervous system. It is blowing up
12:14
Speaker 1: for no legitimate reason. So that makes me less fearful
12:17
Speaker 1: that I'm going to slip at disc or pinchion nerve
12:19
Speaker 1: or make it worse, because that's not the case. Then
12:22
Speaker 1: you can do and again with a clinician, with a therapist,
12:25
Speaker 1: you then can start practicing movement in a way that
12:29
Speaker 1: you feel comfortable. And then you continue with you know,
12:32
Speaker 1: increasing your range of movement, pushing past this pain in
12:35
Speaker 1: a way where you're less fearful. And ironically, the thing
12:39
Speaker 1: that initially is going to cause you more pain is
12:41
Speaker 1: how you can work your way through it. It's a
12:43
Speaker 1: lot more complicated than how I've explained it, and it's
12:46
Speaker 1: very case dependent. Every single patient is going to respond
12:49
Speaker 1: to the treatment differently, but it has to do with
12:52
Speaker 1: allowing movement through that because what's causing more pain is
12:55
Speaker 1: the restriction of movement, and then it's actually causing other
12:59
Speaker 1: problems in your body if you're not moving properly, especially
13:01
Speaker 1: when it comes to back pain. And then of course
13:03
Speaker 1: this fear response. When you can reduce the fear response,
13:06
Speaker 1: it actually helps reduce the symptoms of central sensitization. So
13:10
Speaker 1: if you think that you might be one of these
13:13
Speaker 1: people where pain is no longer protective but it's now
13:15
Speaker 1: become restrictive, then I think it's important that you speak
13:20
Speaker 1: to your GP, get a referral, see if this is
13:24
Speaker 1: what you might be experiencing, because there are ways to
13:28
Speaker 1: treat it, and while it's not overnight. I have spoken
13:31
Speaker 1: to people friends of mine as well, who have gone
13:33
Speaker 1: through that route and it's completely cured them when they've
13:37
Speaker 1: had I've had a friend who once had a car
13:39
Speaker 1: accident and really badly injured her arm. Then she rehabbed
13:42
Speaker 1: it to perfection, but the pain was still unbearable and
13:46
Speaker 1: she ended up going to a neurologist who ended up
13:49
Speaker 1: referring her, and it came down to central sensitization, and
13:53
Speaker 1: she had all this rehab through basically rewiring how your
13:58
Speaker 1: brain is responding to this remembered pain, working with neuroplasticity
14:04
Speaker 1: in that regard, and she was able to basically eliminate
14:09
Speaker 1: the pain altogether going down that path. So I think
14:12
Speaker 1: it is really good for people to be aware of
14:15
Speaker 1: this in case you think that you might have it.
14:18
Speaker 1: Hopefully there's like hope for you there, all right, good times.
14:21
Speaker 1: That is the brain of today. We are going into
14:31
Speaker 1: the topic of today's episode, which is how to in
14:34
Speaker 1: capitals really stop caring about what people think of you
14:37
Speaker 1: so that you can be more carefree. Doesn't that sound good?
14:41
Speaker 1: Don't we want that? I think we all do want that.
14:43
Speaker 1: And can I just say I think, for the most part,
14:47
Speaker 1: on some level, most people care about what other people
14:50
Speaker 1: think about them. That's just what I'm going to say
14:52
Speaker 1: to start with. I care, Okay, I just feel like
14:56
Speaker 1: through trial and error and practice and repetition, I've learnt
15:00
Speaker 1: care a whole lot less, and I've learned to minimize
15:02
Speaker 1: the time in which I do allocate care or a
15:07
Speaker 1: care factor to what people have said about me, am
15:10
Speaker 1: I going to stand here and hear and say that
15:12
Speaker 1: it never affects me what people say about it about
15:14
Speaker 1: my work. That's a lie. Of course it does, but
15:18
Speaker 1: it does not affect me nowhere near as much as
15:20
Speaker 1: it used to. It. Also, I can really compartmentalize it
15:23
Speaker 1: and isolate it. It's quite I can bring it down
15:25
Speaker 1: to make it a whole lot smaller, and I'm able
15:28
Speaker 1: to forget about it so much quicker. And most importantly,
15:31
Speaker 1: it doesn't impact my behavior. In other words, I don't
15:36
Speaker 1: restrict myself from doing things, and I don't think, oh,
15:39
Speaker 1: I could never do that now because I'm scared because
15:41
Speaker 1: of what people will think of me, and because of
15:43
Speaker 1: a fear of what they will think of me. That's
15:45
Speaker 1: the most important part. And if you can take anything
15:47
Speaker 1: away from this episode, it is that it's I don't
15:50
Speaker 1: want you to alter your behavior and play smaller or
15:54
Speaker 1: do less because you are afraid of what people will
15:57
Speaker 1: think of you. If you can at least overcome that,
16:00
Speaker 1: that's a huge win. Okay, huge win, because at least
16:02
Speaker 1: you're still living according to how you want to live
16:05
Speaker 1: your life. Now, it is worse for other people, for
16:09
Speaker 1: some people than for others, that's for sure, and the
16:12
Speaker 1: reason for that is very much based on your lived experience,
16:16
Speaker 1: on your upbringing, on how you have responded to criticism
16:19
Speaker 1: in the past, and also on the kinds of criticism
16:21
Speaker 1: you have received in the past and how it's affected
16:24
Speaker 1: you in the past. If you have really intense memory
16:28
Speaker 1: of a time that you were badly criticized and it
16:30
Speaker 1: affected you emotionally massively, then you're likely to be more
16:32
Speaker 1: aversive to criticism in the future versus someone who has
16:36
Speaker 1: learnt to deal with criticism at a really young age
16:38
Speaker 1: and never been dealt like a massive blow that's affected them. So,
16:41
Speaker 1: of course there's many factors that are going to influence
16:44
Speaker 1: how you deal with criticism, and not necessarily even criticism,
16:47
Speaker 1: but with what people think about you, even the fear
16:49
Speaker 1: of someone talking about you behind your back where you
16:52
Speaker 1: don't even know what's being said. Okay, now, so lived
16:57
Speaker 1: experience plays a huge role in it. You might be thinking, yeah,
16:59
Speaker 1: but my best so care free. Why is it that
17:01
Speaker 1: they don't care. You've got to understand that you and
17:03
Speaker 1: your friend and everyone else around the world have had
17:05
Speaker 1: a different you know, you've got a different makeup to
17:09
Speaker 1: what makes you you on an emotional and on an
17:11
Speaker 1: experience as and a memory standpoint. Now, we all, like
17:16
Speaker 1: I said, most of us. Most people do care what
17:20
Speaker 1: people think to some degree, some more than others. And
17:23
Speaker 1: of course, like I've said before, it comes down to
17:24
Speaker 1: survival because primitively, back in the fucking day, we needed
17:30
Speaker 1: our community to like us. We needed to be accepted
17:33
Speaker 1: by our community. We needed to not be shunned by
17:38
Speaker 1: the group. And communities were smaller, they were more you know,
17:42
Speaker 1: it's not like now where you can just like catch
17:44
Speaker 1: a fucking fly to another fucking country and find your
17:46
Speaker 1: people somewhere else. Very different. In primitive days, it was
17:48
Speaker 1: kind of like what you got, was it? So it
17:50
Speaker 1: was important to be accepted. So this care to be
17:54
Speaker 1: loved by other people, this need for validation from other
17:56
Speaker 1: people is legit. It's ingrained in us. It's not this
18:01
Speaker 1: made up concept by society in today's day and age.
18:04
Speaker 1: It's there for a reason. Okay, So we get that
18:08
Speaker 1: we are also additionally and this is instinctively as well,
18:12
Speaker 1: but we are predisposed and this is a generalization, mind you,
18:16
Speaker 1: because not everyone feels this way, but in general, we
18:18
Speaker 1: are predisposed to be more sexually attracted to charismatic, outgoing people.
18:25
Speaker 1: And this is it's an instinct to go for these
18:27
Speaker 1: people because someone who's outgoing, a charismatic, who's well liked,
18:33
Speaker 1: equals security. It equals that they have a safety in it,
18:36
Speaker 1: they have a community that responds well to them, they
18:38
Speaker 1: have their needs met, so it is a security and
18:42
Speaker 1: so we are attracted to that. Okay, I'm talking on
18:45
Speaker 1: a primitive level here. Not everyone is attracted to those people.
18:49
Speaker 1: You might be like, I prefer really chilled, fucking quiet,
18:52
Speaker 1: kunt and that's fine, But in general, we find charisma
18:56
Speaker 1: and big personalities and confidence attractive. Who doesn't find confidence attractive? Now,
19:01
Speaker 1: which kind of leads me to this whole idea of
19:04
Speaker 1: you know, the whole idea of the nice guy finishes
19:06
Speaker 1: last saying, which I don't necessarily think is the case.
19:10
Speaker 1: I think the reason people say, oh, the nice guy
19:12
Speaker 1: finishes last, Firstly, I don't think that's the truth. And secondly,
19:15
Speaker 1: I think that might have come from a lot of
19:18
Speaker 1: the time, an asshole is very like narcissists assholes, you know, players,
19:25
Speaker 1: They are charismatic, they're big energy, they're confident, their their
19:29
Speaker 1: energy is attractive. So people are initially attracted to this person.
19:32
Speaker 1: Is every charismatic person an asshole, not at all, But
19:35
Speaker 1: they're more likely to attract the masses. And then it's
19:38
Speaker 1: easy for someone who's quiet and timid but lovely to
19:40
Speaker 1: look at that and being like, but they're an asshole?
19:42
Speaker 1: How are they pulling everyone? It's because they have attractive traits.
19:44
Speaker 1: It doesn't mean that people love them because they're a dickhead.
19:47
Speaker 1: People love them because they have these charismatic traits that
19:50
Speaker 1: equal security as far as they are safe because everybody
19:54
Speaker 1: loves them. Okay, again, this is down to a more like,
19:58
Speaker 1: you know, instinctive level of behaving. So due to all
20:03
Speaker 1: of that, we care about what people think. If we
20:05
Speaker 1: want to be liked by everyone, what does that mean.
20:07
Speaker 1: It means that we've got to make sure that we
20:09
Speaker 1: are pleasing everyone in order for them to like us.
20:11
Speaker 1: And this is what people pleasing falls into that trap
20:13
Speaker 1: as well. So it is a survival response. It is
20:17
Speaker 1: this innate response to care about what people think. That
20:19
Speaker 1: is why you care. So it's perfectly okay, it's perfectly normal.
20:23
Speaker 1: But having said that, like so many other things, we
20:26
Speaker 1: as humans have well evolved past a lot of this
20:30
Speaker 1: primitive way of behaving. We're not primates anymore, so not
20:35
Speaker 1: having someone like you is no longer life threatening, and
20:38
Speaker 1: we have to perceive it that way. We also have
20:41
Speaker 1: to we all have to realize that we have the
20:43
Speaker 1: resources to find our own people, whereas back in the
20:46
Speaker 1: day maybe it was not that easy or wasn't possible.
20:48
Speaker 1: We can choose who we interact with. We also can
20:53
Speaker 1: find a way to not let what people think of
20:57
Speaker 1: us interfere with how we operate in our lives and
20:59
Speaker 1: how our happiness unfolds, you know. So it's very different
21:04
Speaker 1: to the past and how we operated back in the
21:07
Speaker 1: fucking day. So while there's a reason for this huge
21:10
Speaker 1: amount of care, we also have to understand that we
21:13
Speaker 1: have our logic and we have our resources, so it
21:15
Speaker 1: shouldn't be overbearing and over you know, all encompassing. Additionally,
21:23
Speaker 1: you have to realize that in this day and age,
21:25
Speaker 1: we're also in a position where we can be criticized
21:28
Speaker 1: way more than what was the norm back in the day. Okay,
21:34
Speaker 1: way more than what the brain was designed for. We're
21:36
Speaker 1: not equipped to be like criticized by the masses online.
21:41
Speaker 1: That's not normal, and that's why it can be so
21:43
Speaker 1: debilitating for so many people. And right this so it's
21:46
Speaker 1: very intense, and we weren't really designed to deal with that.
21:48
Speaker 1: Social Media, all these things, you know, we've got ways
21:50
Speaker 1: of interacting with people that's not just face to face,
21:53
Speaker 1: and it's always going to expose you to more criticism
21:57
Speaker 1: and open you up to more criticism. So now that
21:59
Speaker 1: when all of these things, hopefully you're able to start
22:02
Speaker 1: to process criticism and what people think of you with
22:06
Speaker 1: a more logic lens being like, all right, I'm aware
22:08
Speaker 1: that these feelings are normal. I'm aware that this is
22:10
Speaker 1: where it's come from. I'm also aware that times have changed.
22:13
Speaker 1: I can choose my people. And also I've probably put
22:16
Speaker 1: myself in the firing line because I exist online, whether
22:18
Speaker 1: I want to or not. I'm more so in the
22:20
Speaker 1: firing line than what is natural. Okay, so it's normal,
22:25
Speaker 1: But when should it be a concern? I think, like
22:29
Speaker 1: I said at the start of the episode, it should
22:31
Speaker 1: concern you when you when it's changing who you want
22:37
Speaker 1: to be, like primary word want to be. I want
22:42
Speaker 1: to do this with my life. I want to experience
22:44
Speaker 1: this thing. However, I'm scared of what people are going
22:46
Speaker 1: to think of me. I'm scared they're gonna laugh. I'm
22:48
Speaker 1: scared that if I fail, I'll be an embarrassment. So
22:50
Speaker 1: I'm not gonna do that. So it's changing what to
22:54
Speaker 1: do around your wants. If you are stopping doing something
22:58
Speaker 1: that you want to do, because because of your fear
23:01
Speaker 1: of judgment, that's when it should be a concern. That's
23:03
Speaker 1: when you should be like ding and alarm's gone off.
23:05
Speaker 1: I need to do something about this. I can't continue
23:07
Speaker 1: living this way because I'm going to be unsatisfied with
23:10
Speaker 1: the outcomes of a lot of the things that I
23:11
Speaker 1: choose to do because they're not the things I want
23:13
Speaker 1: to do. Also, when you stop doing something or when
23:18
Speaker 1: you're kind of paralyzed and where you feel like, oh,
23:20
Speaker 1: I feel like I don't know what I want to do,
23:22
Speaker 1: And a lot of it comes down to I constantly
23:25
Speaker 1: am thinking about will people like me? Will this make
23:28
Speaker 1: me more likable? Will I be more accepted. If that's
23:31
Speaker 1: the main kind of compass as to why you are
23:35
Speaker 1: stopping something or why you are indecisive, that's when it
23:39
Speaker 1: should be cause for concern as well. Now let's talk
23:42
Speaker 1: about why it is that people judge Because I think
23:44
Speaker 1: once you understand why people judge. There's four points that
23:47
Speaker 1: are going to cover. It becomes a lot easier for
23:50
Speaker 1: the pressure to be taken off your shoulders. For me,
23:54
Speaker 1: when someone's judged me or said something critical and look,
23:56
Speaker 1: I'm pretty good with constructive criticism. I'm pretty good with
23:59
Speaker 1: someone being like, hey, just a heads up, and then
24:02
Speaker 1: they give it to me in a constructive, respectful manner.
24:05
Speaker 1: I'm pretty good with that shit. But when someone said
24:07
Speaker 1: something like stabby and hopeful and whatever, I go through
24:11
Speaker 1: these four points pretty fucking quickly in my head. Bang
24:13
Speaker 1: bang bang bang, and then I think, oh, it doesn't
24:15
Speaker 1: affect me at all, or if it does, way less.
24:19
Speaker 1: Because like most things, when I talk about name it
24:21
Speaker 1: to tament, you're bringing your logical reasoning into an emotional response.
24:25
Speaker 1: It's crucial. And when you do these four points, when
24:27
Speaker 1: you remind yourself of these four points, I can guarantee
24:30
Speaker 1: you if you haven't removed the discomfort with someone saying
24:33
Speaker 1: something mean to you or judgmental, it will at the
24:35
Speaker 1: very least reduce it significantly. So give these four things
24:39
Speaker 1: a go. Say these four things in your head when
24:41
Speaker 1: someone has judged you said something behind your back, being
24:44
Speaker 1: critical being mean to you. Number one, remind yourself that
24:47
Speaker 1: people do not fucking think about you as much as
24:50
Speaker 1: you think they do. They think about you enough to
24:52
Speaker 1: talk about you behind your back because it's entertaining, But
24:55
Speaker 1: then then don't go home and continue brewing, brewing, brewing, brewing.
24:58
Speaker 1: You are one tiny blip on their fucking radar, and
25:00
Speaker 1: if it's entertaining enough, they will entertain the conversation. But
25:04
Speaker 1: I can guarantee you their care factor is relatively low,
25:09
Speaker 1: so they care enough if it's entertaining because we love
25:12
Speaker 1: to gossip, which that's the next point. But they will talk,
25:16
Speaker 1: but it's doesn't really weigh on them that much. Like
25:20
Speaker 1: they will say something to your face. They will write
25:23
Speaker 1: a comment to you behind like as a keyboard warrior,
25:27
Speaker 1: and they're probably not going to think about you again,
25:29
Speaker 1: And if they do, it's probably because they were heightened
25:31
Speaker 1: in the moment, and then once they blow off steam,
25:33
Speaker 1: they're onto the next thing. But you're living your life.
25:37
Speaker 1: These are decisions that impact your life that you're making
25:39
Speaker 1: for yourself. And if you're not going to do something
25:42
Speaker 1: because of something that's a fleeting thought for somebody else,
25:45
Speaker 1: that is very, very sad and you have to remind
25:48
Speaker 1: yourself of that all the time. This is temporary for them,
25:51
Speaker 1: it's just a flash in the pan, but for me,
25:54
Speaker 1: it's it's what I'm choosing to do with my decisions,
25:56
Speaker 1: with where I'm going today, this week, this month, in
25:58
Speaker 1: my life. Okay. So, even when someone engages in gossip
26:03
Speaker 1: or even when they're judging you, then they just think
26:06
Speaker 1: about you in that moment. They don't really care that much.
26:09
Speaker 1: And the reason being is they're probably judging a thousand
26:12
Speaker 1: other people and you can't be thinking about one thousand
26:14
Speaker 1: people at the same time, and they're judging themselves too
26:17
Speaker 1: a lot. Okay. The next thing is gossip is entertainment.
26:23
Speaker 1: Even someone that likes you will probably struggle to hold
26:27
Speaker 1: back from gossip, okay, because it's entertaining. Why is reality
26:31
Speaker 1: TV so fucking popular? Because gossip is entertaining. People live
26:36
Speaker 1: for the drama. I lift for the drama. We're all
26:38
Speaker 1: fucking lift for the drama. So it's even less personal
26:41
Speaker 1: when you look at it that way. They want something
26:42
Speaker 1: to talk about. They want substance to talk about, even
26:45
Speaker 1: if it's shitty substance. Okay, Entertainment sells. So if you've
26:51
Speaker 1: given them something to talk about, So be it. If
26:54
Speaker 1: I've given someone something to talk about, all right, I'll
26:56
Speaker 1: eat that. I'll be like, all right, fine, they can
26:58
Speaker 1: talk about it. How long is it going to last?
27:00
Speaker 1: Not that long, because people get bored of something very
27:02
Speaker 1: fucking quickly, especially if you're not adding fuel to the fire.
27:06
Speaker 1: It's more of a talking point. If you're trying to
27:09
Speaker 1: hide it, Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god,
27:11
Speaker 1: and you're trying to fight it resistant. It is what
27:13
Speaker 1: it is. Let someone talk about it. It's out in daylight.
27:16
Speaker 1: It's not a secret, it's not a scandal. Talk about
27:19
Speaker 1: how stupid you think I am for doing something, and
27:22
Speaker 1: you know that's it. The third one is judgment is comparison. Okay,
27:28
Speaker 1: so part of someone needing to feel good, not always.
27:33
Speaker 1: Let's rephrase that. When someone is feeling a little bit
27:36
Speaker 1: insecure about themselves or very insecure about themselves, the first
27:40
Speaker 1: thing they're likely going to do is compare themselves to
27:42
Speaker 1: other people. That's what if the first things you do
27:45
Speaker 1: when you feel insecure because insecurity, you're feeling I need security. Okay, now,
27:50
Speaker 1: im you this position of I need security. What's going
27:52
Speaker 1: to make me feel secure? Well, I need to look
27:54
Speaker 1: at look at what I'm working with, what I'm fighting against.
27:57
Speaker 1: Who are the people around me? Why am I feeling insecure?
27:59
Speaker 1: People perform better than me? Do they look better than me?
28:02
Speaker 1: Are there more opportunities? Am I? Do I feel threatened?
28:05
Speaker 1: Are my risks? So you weigh everything out. And while
28:08
Speaker 1: you're in this process of weighing things up, you are
28:11
Speaker 1: pitching yourself against other people. You are comparing yourself against
28:14
Speaker 1: other people. So you want to reframe it and think,
28:16
Speaker 1: if someone's putting me down, if someone's being critical, they
28:20
Speaker 1: are just very likely trying to stay on top. They're
28:25
Speaker 1: trying to stay on top emotionally and be like I
28:28
Speaker 1: am good enough. I've just highlighted that this person's flawed
28:31
Speaker 1: and I don't have that flow, so I can just
28:33
Speaker 1: rest easy for now. That's what a lot of people
28:35
Speaker 1: do with insecurities. Is it fair? Is it kind? We're
28:37
Speaker 1: not even going to get into that, because you've got
28:39
Speaker 1: to understand that people's minds are very complicated. I'm not
28:42
Speaker 1: going to if I find out that someone's judged me,
28:44
Speaker 1: but they're battling demons around their own insecurity, it kind
28:47
Speaker 1: of makes me. We're not even kind of I understand
28:50
Speaker 1: it so much more. I really get where it's coming from.
28:53
Speaker 1: Could they look at it more constructively that's going to
28:56
Speaker 1: make themselves feel better? Absolutely is comparison and is pitching
29:00
Speaker 1: someone down to make yourself better the way to actually
29:01
Speaker 1: feel better? Not at all. But do I understand why
29:04
Speaker 1: people do it? Yeah? And I think when you can
29:06
Speaker 1: look at someone being like there's a big chance that
29:08
Speaker 1: they've lashed out because they don't feel good about themselves
29:10
Speaker 1: and they're clutching at opportunities to make themselves feel better,
29:14
Speaker 1: then it's no longer this like, oh my god, they've
29:17
Speaker 1: put me down, and it's true. It's more so they're
29:19
Speaker 1: trying to pacify their feelings of insecurity. And that is
29:24
Speaker 1: a huge reason why people will judge, criticize bitch talk
29:28
Speaker 1: behind your back. Not always, but a lot of the time.
29:30
Speaker 1: That is why people do what they do. They are
29:32
Speaker 1: comparing themselves to you, even if it's in completely different leagues,
29:36
Speaker 1: even if it's in completely different careers, even if everything's different.
29:39
Speaker 1: They could be thinking, I wish I was a bit
29:42
Speaker 1: more free to just express myself the way I wanted to.
29:45
Speaker 1: Even if your careers are different, then they're going to
29:47
Speaker 1: put you down for deciding I'm going to change myself
29:50
Speaker 1: brand overnight. I'm going to start wearing a completely different style.
29:52
Speaker 1: I want to express myself differently, And they'll be laughing
29:54
Speaker 1: at you behind your back, being like, oh my god,
29:56
Speaker 1: they think there's some fashion icon now lol. Whatever it is.
30:00
Speaker 1: They will laugh at the fact that you've decided to
30:02
Speaker 1: quit your job and go for something with a much
30:04
Speaker 1: lower paycheck. They will laugh at whatever. People will pick
30:07
Speaker 1: anything to judge you on. This also happens if you
30:10
Speaker 1: did something that actually was a scandal that people were like,
30:13
Speaker 1: ah see, you are flawed. You had the affair. Now
30:15
Speaker 1: it's compublic say you're flawed. People, no matter whether whether
30:18
Speaker 1: it's a scandal, whether it's something that you're choosing to
30:21
Speaker 1: do personally, whether it whatever it is, people will try
30:24
Speaker 1: and pick apart what you're doing so they can feel
30:27
Speaker 1: better about themselves. And when they have the opportunity to
30:29
Speaker 1: do so, they will take the opportunity. Okay, whether it
30:32
Speaker 1: makes them evil or whether it doesn't, it doesn't matter.
30:34
Speaker 1: The point is that that is one of the reasons
30:36
Speaker 1: why someone would behave that way. Okay, a lot of
30:39
Speaker 1: the time they also do that so the attention is
30:41
Speaker 1: on you and not on them. If they feel that
30:43
Speaker 1: they are quote unquote flawed, they will shine the light
30:46
Speaker 1: on something else that's flawed in quotation marks. So that
30:49
Speaker 1: way the attention the energy is going there, and their
30:52
Speaker 1: energy is going there too, So they're less likely to
30:54
Speaker 1: think about their problems and they're like, I'm not thinking
30:57
Speaker 1: about your problems. And fourth, people are just in general
31:02
Speaker 1: likely to judge something that's new. It's new, it's novel,
31:05
Speaker 1: it's a novelty. Whether they deem it as a threat
31:08
Speaker 1: or not, it's something that they're going to be like, oh,
31:10
Speaker 1: I don't know this, I don't like this. Let's bitch
31:12
Speaker 1: about it, let's talk about it. That's ridiculous, you know.
31:14
Speaker 1: That's why older generations always laugh at younger generations, are like,
31:18
Speaker 1: what's this fucking shit that the younger generations are doing it?
31:20
Speaker 1: Because it's new, it's novel, they're not used to it,
31:22
Speaker 1: and they're not good at it. Okay, So that's just
31:26
Speaker 1: you know, you always get every generation that's older will
31:29
Speaker 1: always laugh at the younger generation until it becomes the
31:31
Speaker 1: normal and then they use it. Look at Facebook now,
31:33
Speaker 1: it's only used by the older generation. Who's using Facebook
31:35
Speaker 1: these days unless you're in my Facebook group, Love you
31:37
Speaker 1: so much. I use it just for the group as well.
31:40
Speaker 1: But that's just an example. So you're always going to
31:42
Speaker 1: get people that will. If they don't understand, they judge.
31:45
Speaker 1: So when something's new, different, fresh, they're not understanding, they're
31:48
Speaker 1: going to judge instead. So these are the four reasons.
31:50
Speaker 1: So every time someone judges, you just think, Look, they
31:52
Speaker 1: either number one, they don't think about me as much
31:55
Speaker 1: as I think they do. Number two, gossip is entertainment.
31:58
Speaker 1: I've obviously given them men to take and it's not personal.
32:01
Speaker 1: Number three, judgment is comparison. They are insecure, likely possibly,
32:06
Speaker 1: and they're comparing and pitting others against me so they
32:08
Speaker 1: can feel a bit better about themselves in the moment.
32:10
Speaker 1: And number four, people are likely to judge something new
32:13
Speaker 1: or different unfortunately. Now let's talk about seven ways to
32:26
Speaker 1: help you tackle it. Number one, like I mentioned earlier,
32:30
Speaker 1: name it toertainment. Identify what's happening. If you sit here
32:33
Speaker 1: and you read negative comments, and you read something that
32:35
Speaker 1: someone said to you, read a text message that someone said,
32:37
Speaker 1: something said, someone said something to you on the street
32:38
Speaker 1: about your outfit or whatever, someone's put you down. On
32:42
Speaker 1: the first podcast episode that you put out, you only
32:44
Speaker 1: got three listeners to your podcast episode, and you thought
32:46
Speaker 1: it'd be a lot more than that. You're feeling down
32:49
Speaker 1: about yourself. Name the emotion, So you say, I am
32:53
Speaker 1: feeling right now insecure because I have been judged because
32:58
Speaker 1: this person said this thing. Get specific, Get clear. This
33:02
Speaker 1: person said this thing and it's made me feel this way. Okay,
33:05
Speaker 1: when you start to name it, and I've spoken about
33:09
Speaker 1: this a thousand times, but I'll remind you again, the
33:11
Speaker 1: logic part of your brain intercepts the emotional pathways of
33:16
Speaker 1: the brain, and you start to talk yourself down off
33:18
Speaker 1: the ledge. The stimulus still exists. But perception is everything.
33:24
Speaker 1: How we perceive the world determines how we experience our life.
33:27
Speaker 1: That's a whole that's a topic for a whole episode
33:30
Speaker 1: that I'm going to probably do in the next few weeks.
33:32
Speaker 1: How you perceive the world is literally how you're going
33:34
Speaker 1: to experience your life. Okay, and name it, totame It
33:38
Speaker 1: helps you tweak how you're experiencing that situation in the moment,
33:41
Speaker 1: you're bringing logic into it, and you'll be like, all right,
33:43
Speaker 1: it's still happening, but it's not all consuming, it's not
33:46
Speaker 1: taking over my world. My logic has come in and
33:48
Speaker 1: it's like, all right, this thing's there, but I'm not
33:50
Speaker 1: dying right now, and I'm able to name it, get specific,
33:53
Speaker 1: compartmentalize it into the much smaller category that it is. Okay,
33:57
Speaker 1: Number two, think of those that someone might be judging
34:01
Speaker 1: you because the moment you think, okay, it's not. Actually,
34:05
Speaker 1: for the most part, it's not that personal. It's this
34:08
Speaker 1: person is expressing what's going on for them. They're in
34:12
Speaker 1: need of entertainment, they're fearful, they're comparing, they're trying to
34:14
Speaker 1: fit in, they're insecure, or they might just be an asshole.
34:19
Speaker 1: That's another possibility, but normally assholes are insecure, so assholes.
34:23
Speaker 1: So not all insecure people are assholes, but most assholes
34:26
Speaker 1: are insecure. So it comes down to one of these
34:29
Speaker 1: reasons around fear or a need for entertainment. Okay, So
34:32
Speaker 1: when you remind yourself of that again, you're like, Okay,
34:34
Speaker 1: I feel a little bit better again. I've named entertainment.
34:36
Speaker 1: I've reminded myself of all these reasons. Okay, I can
34:39
Speaker 1: breathe a little bit easier. It's less personal. Okay, the
34:42
Speaker 1: next thing, Number three, ask yourself, can I live with this?
34:46
Speaker 1: Can I live with with the people I know laughing
34:51
Speaker 1: about this behind my back or talking about what I'm
34:53
Speaker 1: doing behind my back? Yes, yes, I can live with
34:57
Speaker 1: it because I understand now now why it is that
35:00
Speaker 1: they do it, and I also understand that it doesn't
35:04
Speaker 1: even mean that they hate me. Sometimes it could be
35:06
Speaker 1: that they're jealous. Not always. People don't always talk about
35:10
Speaker 1: you behind your back because they want what you have.
35:12
Speaker 1: But sometimes it is and it doesn't, and a lot
35:16
Speaker 1: of the time it's a reflection on how they're feeling
35:18
Speaker 1: about themselves in that moment. So I know of people
35:21
Speaker 1: that will bitch about other people knowing that they love
35:23
Speaker 1: the other person knowing. Okay, it happens all the time.
35:25
Speaker 1: We've seen it. We've all seen it in our friendship groups.
35:27
Speaker 1: It happens. So can you live with it? Of course
35:30
Speaker 1: you can, especially understanding the why behind it. Number four,
35:34
Speaker 1: Remind yourself, this does not last forever. This is temporary.
35:39
Speaker 1: This is temporary for many reasons because, like I said,
35:41
Speaker 1: people take a while to adapt to the new. This
35:43
Speaker 1: is not going to be new forever. This change that
35:45
Speaker 1: I'm doing this decision that I'm making, this scandal that
35:47
Speaker 1: I'm involved in. Everything that I've done here is temporary,
35:51
Speaker 1: because time is a thing, and time will pass, okay,
35:55
Speaker 1: And what is new and the hottest topic right now
35:57
Speaker 1: won't be in a week or in a month, month
36:00
Speaker 1: or however long. It will dissipate. People will get over it,
36:03
Speaker 1: people will find something else to talk about. So it's
36:06
Speaker 1: short lived. But what's not short lived is your regret
36:09
Speaker 1: of not doing what you actually wanted to do, if
36:12
Speaker 1: not making that decision that served you in that moment.
36:14
Speaker 1: So if you're like I wanted to actually follow this career,
36:16
Speaker 1: but I was worried that people would laugh at me
36:18
Speaker 1: or not believe in me or not think that I
36:19
Speaker 1: could do it, so I didn't do it. You're comparing
36:22
Speaker 1: a long term decision with a temporary feeling, and it's
36:25
Speaker 1: not fair that don't weigh up. So you've got to
36:27
Speaker 1: say to yourself, this won't last. This feeling of this judgment,
36:31
Speaker 1: it's not going to last. Feels like it, but it won't, Okay,
36:35
Speaker 1: And I'm the one that's got to live with myself
36:37
Speaker 1: after these decisions are made based on how people think
36:40
Speaker 1: of me, and can I live with that decision? Not
36:44
Speaker 1: Can I live with this judgment? Can I live with
36:45
Speaker 1: my decision? That's the more important question you also have
36:49
Speaker 1: to think about. I think this is in the same
36:51
Speaker 1: point discomfort, which I've done so many episodes on but
36:55
Speaker 1: you always have to You can't escape discomfort, and when
36:58
Speaker 1: someone judges you. This is another opportunity of choosing which
37:03
Speaker 1: discomfort you're going to deal with. Am I going to
37:04
Speaker 1: deal with the discomfort of some plab talking about me
37:07
Speaker 1: behind my back right now and dealing with it and
37:12
Speaker 1: still following through with what it is that I'm going
37:14
Speaker 1: to do, still staying true to my decision to rebrand myself,
37:18
Speaker 1: to go after that thing, to make that decision to
37:20
Speaker 1: leave that person that I know I need to leave
37:21
Speaker 1: despite what everyone says about me behind my back? Am
37:24
Speaker 1: I still going to do that and have the discomfort
37:26
Speaker 1: of people judging me now? Or am I going to
37:28
Speaker 1: please the people around me when they don't really fucking
37:30
Speaker 1: think about me outside of this hour, especially when I'm
37:33
Speaker 1: living to please them. They're even thinking about me less
37:35
Speaker 1: because it's not a scandal. So am I going to
37:38
Speaker 1: not suffer that discomfort but then suffer the discomfort long
37:41
Speaker 1: term of the lack of action or lack of decisions
37:44
Speaker 1: that I chose to make for myself that now it's
37:47
Speaker 1: not serving me. And now I'm looking back with the
37:49
Speaker 1: regret and the discomfort of the regrets, saying I wish
37:51
Speaker 1: I'd fucked off all that feeling, all those feelings and
37:54
Speaker 1: all those judgments and done that thing anyway. Okay, Number four,
37:59
Speaker 1: you have to weigh up the pros and cons all
38:01
Speaker 1: the time. Okay, is this person liking me more important
38:06
Speaker 1: to me than doing what matters for me in the
38:09
Speaker 1: long term? Or is this person liking me more important
38:13
Speaker 1: than my own self esteem? Because every time you turn
38:15
Speaker 1: your back on yourself saying no, I won't do that
38:17
Speaker 1: thing that really matters to me, No I won't say
38:19
Speaker 1: that thing that I need to say. No I won't,
38:21
Speaker 1: No I won't, No I won't, No I won't. That
38:23
Speaker 1: affects your relationship with yourself. You are telling yourself again
38:26
Speaker 1: and again and again, this person's opinion of me, or
38:30
Speaker 1: decision about my actions or where my life is headed
38:33
Speaker 1: is valued higher than my own. And you do that once,
38:37
Speaker 1: and you do that ten times, you do it one
38:38
Speaker 1: hundred times. How are you feeling about yourself after the
38:40
Speaker 1: hundredths of time. Probably not that confident, okay, because everyone
38:44
Speaker 1: else's opinion you've put before your own. That can be reversed,
38:46
Speaker 1: of course, but that's what it ends up becoming. Number six.
38:52
Speaker 1: Give yourself a pep talk. Just say to yourself, when
38:55
Speaker 1: someone judges you, after you've reminded yourself of all the shit,
38:58
Speaker 1: why people do it, name it entertainment. Then you say,
39:01
Speaker 1: what is this shit? It is relatively useless. Okay. It's
39:07
Speaker 1: preventing me from doing what I want to do, it's
39:09
Speaker 1: stopping me from changing. It's causing me to live in fear,
39:12
Speaker 1: which then causes more of the same. I'm not interested,
39:16
Speaker 1: not interested. Next time this happens, next time someone judges you,
39:20
Speaker 1: laughs at you, talks behind your back, just say, what
39:22
Speaker 1: is this shit? I'm not interested? Okay. If you're interested,
39:28
Speaker 1: then it's game over for you. So remove the interest.
39:32
Speaker 1: It's like when someone says to you, oh, do you
39:35
Speaker 1: know what so and so said about you? And people
39:39
Speaker 1: are like, yeah, what do they say about me? No,
39:40
Speaker 1: you say, I don't want to know. I'm not interested,
39:42
Speaker 1: not fucking interested. Okay, don't taint my mood. Caun't I'm
39:45
Speaker 1: not interested. I don't If I start giving energy into
39:49
Speaker 1: what someone said about me behind my back when their
39:51
Speaker 1: intention was likely for me not to hear it in
39:53
Speaker 1: the first place, what's that going to do to my mood?
39:55
Speaker 1: Not good not good news. I don't need to know
39:59
Speaker 1: that shit. Kind of shit that we don't need to know.
40:02
Speaker 1: Perception is everything, Okay. If I don't need to know
40:05
Speaker 1: what someone said about me behind my back, it's a
40:07
Speaker 1: need to know basis, then I'm not going to know.
40:09
Speaker 1: If you think, okay, well I really fucking need to
40:11
Speaker 1: know because that I am married to this person and
40:13
Speaker 1: they got okay, yes, then say yes I need to know.
40:15
Speaker 1: But in general, for the most part, a lot of
40:17
Speaker 1: the time, when people talk shit about other people, it
40:19
Speaker 1: does not need to be heard by the person. Okay,
40:22
Speaker 1: it just doesn't. So if someone's offering up this information
40:25
Speaker 1: to me, unless it's crucial, I'm likely not going to
40:27
Speaker 1: want to hear about it, okay. And seven last one,
40:31
Speaker 1: number seven, remind yourself of why you are doing what
40:35
Speaker 1: you are doing. Okay. Discomfort is everywhere. You're always going
40:40
Speaker 1: to feel it. Like I said before, you got a
40:42
Speaker 1: weigh up which discomfort you're going to choose. But what's
40:45
Speaker 1: permanent and what's going to make you feel good is
40:47
Speaker 1: your why for doing things, for making decisions for yourself,
40:51
Speaker 1: for living on your own terms, for having autonomy. Okay,
40:56
Speaker 1: and autonomy also comes from choosing your decisions for yourself
40:59
Speaker 1: based on the people around you and what they think
41:02
Speaker 1: is good for you. Because a lot of the time
41:04
Speaker 1: people have a different agenda as to why they think
41:06
Speaker 1: something's good for you versus what you do. They're going
41:08
Speaker 1: to judge you based on their criteria, not on your criteria.
41:11
Speaker 1: They're going to judge your actions based on their criteria,
41:13
Speaker 1: not on yours. So it's important that you remind yourself
41:16
Speaker 1: why am I doing what I want to do? Why
41:17
Speaker 1: am I going to pursue this thing? Because it aligns
41:19
Speaker 1: with what I want, it aligns with my morals, it's
41:21
Speaker 1: what's going to help me grow, what's going to make
41:23
Speaker 1: me feel good. And if I don't do this thing,
41:25
Speaker 1: I'm going to sit here and regret, which doesn't make
41:28
Speaker 1: me feel good. Remind yourself of this often when you
41:30
Speaker 1: wake up in the morning, say why am I doing
41:33
Speaker 1: what I'm doing for these reasons? Because it makes it
41:35
Speaker 1: feel connected, makes it feel like I'm growing. It makes
41:37
Speaker 1: me feel on my path. I feel fucking good when
41:39
Speaker 1: I do it. I feel like, you know, I could
41:41
Speaker 1: always keep having more when I do this thing. That's
41:43
Speaker 1: why I'm doing it, Okay, And when you remind yourself
41:47
Speaker 1: of that, it minimizes what other people are saying and doing.
41:51
Speaker 1: It still exists, but again because perception is everything that exists,
41:56
Speaker 1: but you've is shrunken it down to a little nub,
42:00
Speaker 1: and you've expanded on the things that matter to you,
42:04
Speaker 1: like your why, like the decisions that you're making, like
42:07
Speaker 1: your happiness, like your independence, and all of the above. Okay,
42:11
Speaker 1: every time you stop doing something that you want to do,
42:14
Speaker 1: or you mute a part of who you are, you
42:17
Speaker 1: mute a part of your personality for the sake of
42:21
Speaker 1: either fitting in more, which in a way, sometimes fitting
42:23
Speaker 1: in more can make you more invisible a lot of
42:26
Speaker 1: the time getting someone to like you. You know, all
42:29
Speaker 1: of that ultimately will negatively impact your confidence, and it's
42:33
Speaker 1: going to negatively impact yourself self esteem, and then it
42:36
Speaker 1: makes you second guess yourself. And when you second guess yourself,
42:38
Speaker 1: what do you do? You seek opinions from other people,
42:42
Speaker 1: and then you get really bad at figuring out what
42:45
Speaker 1: it is that you want. You get really good at
42:46
Speaker 1: ignoring yourself. And then when people say, oh, listen to
42:49
Speaker 1: your heart, listen to yourself. I don't know how to
42:50
Speaker 1: listen to myself. I I f ickn't know because you
42:52
Speaker 1: haven't trusted yourself. And it starts bit by bit by bit.
42:55
Speaker 1: It starts by trusting the small decisions and then trusting
42:58
Speaker 1: the bigger decisions. I've got whole episodes on how to
43:00
Speaker 1: trust yourself, how to get better at decision making, and
43:02
Speaker 1: all of that. Now, will you ever not care? Again?
43:05
Speaker 1: The more you put all these things into practice, you
43:08
Speaker 1: will reduce your level of care significantly. But you are
43:11
Speaker 1: going to care about what the people. But the people
43:15
Speaker 1: that you love and what they think about you doesn't
43:17
Speaker 1: mean that it has to stop you from doing certain things. No,
43:20
Speaker 1: but I care what my family thinks about me. I
43:22
Speaker 1: care what tyrone thinks about me, what my best friends
43:24
Speaker 1: think about me. And I use it as a compass
43:26
Speaker 1: because I aligned with these people morally. So if I'm
43:29
Speaker 1: doing something and my family was to pull me up
43:31
Speaker 1: and say, hey, Alexis we've noticed this was happening, feels
43:34
Speaker 1: pretty cold. Feels that you're being a bit like whatever.
43:38
Speaker 1: If they thought that I was being really callous about
43:39
Speaker 1: something or whatever, I would hear thembout being like really
43:42
Speaker 1: that I was coming across, and I'd think about it,
43:44
Speaker 1: and then I think, is this aligning with me? Is
43:46
Speaker 1: it true? Maybe I got distracted, maybe I did something
43:49
Speaker 1: that wasn't right. Now I can tweak my behavior. So
43:52
Speaker 1: it's fine to care about the people who were who
43:55
Speaker 1: have your best interest at heart and who you are aligned
43:57
Speaker 1: with on a moral standpoint. That's perfect normal and it's healthy.
44:01
Speaker 1: I don't think it's healthy to not give a flying
44:03
Speaker 1: fuck about what anybody thinks about you, even the people
44:05
Speaker 1: that love you. I think that would be callous. Exactly that,
44:08
Speaker 1: it'd be callous. But care about that. But again, even
44:12
Speaker 1: when you care about the people that have your best
44:15
Speaker 1: interest at heart, it doesn't have to stop you from
44:17
Speaker 1: doing it. You could be like, all right, I've considered
44:19
Speaker 1: everything you've said. I appreciate you voicing that, but I'm
44:21
Speaker 1: still going to move to France. Okay, so still care.
44:25
Speaker 1: So will it make you not care at all? I
44:27
Speaker 1: don't think so. This episode is not geared to not
44:30
Speaker 1: make you give a shit about what anyone has to
44:32
Speaker 1: say about you. It is geared for you to be
44:34
Speaker 1: able to deal with those feelings in a very productive
44:36
Speaker 1: way and in a way that you are able to
44:39
Speaker 1: still proceed and still feel confident and happy with your
44:42
Speaker 1: decision without being feeling crippled by people's judgment and gossip
44:47
Speaker 1: behind what it is that you are doing. Hopefully this
44:51
Speaker 1: episode has helped you deal with this feeling. I think
44:57
Speaker 1: we all deal with it, and I'll be dead honest
44:59
Speaker 1: with you. I think it comes in waves. I think
45:01
Speaker 1: depending how stressed I am will determine how much I
45:04
Speaker 1: care what other people think. If I'm feeling overwhelmed, stressed,
45:07
Speaker 1: less balanced in my life, of course it's going to
45:09
Speaker 1: target going to get to me more because I'm less balanced.
45:11
Speaker 1: There's cracks in this, you know, like in this solid
45:15
Speaker 1: you know, confidence bubble that people have. It's always in
45:20
Speaker 1: a state of flux. So it's something that can always
45:23
Speaker 1: be worked done. And when you start feeling better about
45:25
Speaker 1: yourself and you're feeling more confident in your abilities, it
45:27
Speaker 1: affects you less and it comes in waves, so you
45:29
Speaker 1: always got to remind yourself of this shit. It's an
45:32
Speaker 1: ongoing process. Self esteem, self love, confidence, your relationship with
45:38
Speaker 1: yourself is never ending in a good way. It should
45:40
Speaker 1: always feel like it's a good thing. Okay, that is
45:43
Speaker 1: all for today's episode. Hopefully you found it helpful. If
45:45
Speaker 1: you want to send this episode to someone else, please
45:47
Speaker 1: do so. Please also rate and review the podcast wherever
45:50
Speaker 1: you listen to your podcast, because it significantly helps my
45:53
Speaker 1: podcast to be more reachable for other people. And that's
45:56
Speaker 1: obviously the aim is to reach as many people and
45:59
Speaker 1: to help them better their relationship with themselves. And you
46:01
Speaker 1: guys do fucking God's work in spreading my podcast, So
46:04
Speaker 1: thank you. That is all. Love you guys so much.
46:07
Speaker 1: As always, remember becond to yourself, becan't to your brain,
46:10
Speaker 1: don't take shit from anyone, and especially don't take shit
46:13
Speaker 1: from yourself. Don't care