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GRIEVING LALA: A Diagnosed Narcissist’s Unfiltered Look at Pet Loss & Vulnerability · The Mental Healness Podcast

• 0:00
  Yeah, I lost my man's best friend on Friday.
• 0:03
  We had to compassionately put my my dog Lala down because she got
• 0:09
  sick, She couldn't walk anymore. She's having seizures, just
• 0:12
  heart failure. And she inspired today's video
• 0:16
  about narcissist and dealing with grief.
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  There's no script today, y'all. This is just your good old Lee
• 0:21
  Hammock, the diagnosed narcissist giving you an inside
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  look at real life and whatnot, right?
• 0:26
  So my dog, Lala, we had her for about 13 years, almost exactly
• 0:31
  13 years. Like me and my wife moved in
• 0:33
  together our first time in December of 20 December of 2012.
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  We got Lala February of 2013. So every pretty much every time
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  since we've been living together, we always had her,
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  right? We always had her, she's always
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  been around. She's always kind of been in the
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  background of our lives. Like we got her.
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  Well, my, my oldest son, it's kind of crazy.
• 0:53
  We got her when he was literally, he was born in 2008.
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  So he was about 3 years old, 3 1/2 years old when we got her.
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  So he's 17 now. He's about to graduate from high
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  school. So she's always been around like
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  forever. And when she started getting
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  sick and stuff like that, she got diagnosed with a stage 4
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  heart murmur and whatnot. And you know, was I can't even
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  think of Cushing's disease and whatnot as well.
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  So it's really tough to hear that right in my mind, the way I
• 1:21
  process things, like I put it to the back burner of my brain,
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  right? That literally went to the back
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  burner of my brain. I like so many stuff going on.
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  She's going to live. Like it was kind of, I was kind
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  of in denial for a long time. And then she just took a sudden
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  turn for the worst. And people were just like, you
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  know, online with the online and people and stuff like that.
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  It's like it's the best decision to make to, you know, let her go
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  out peacefully as opposed to suffering and whatnot.
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  It was just very, very, very tough to deal with And just
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  seeing I, I just don't like dealing with grief, man.
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  I can't, I know this is not just narcissist.
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  Most people don't like dealing with grief, but it's just like I
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  process it very, very uniquely. And like I'm watching my kids,
• 2:00
  you know, Boo Hoo cry all of them.
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  Like she's been around all my kids, my 7th year old, my 9 year
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  old and my 5 year old. They all, especially my, my
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  younger kids, they that's their whole life, you know, and
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  watching them Boo Hoo cry and stuff like that.
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  It's just so it's so uncomfortable to me.
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  Like it's so uncomfortable and I just feel like, Oh my God, like
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  I don't like this pain, you know, I don't like this pain.
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  I just, it really does. Like even in when I've had
• 2:27
  friends who's lost their parents, my family members who
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  lost their parents or their own children, that pain that they're
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  going through, I don't want any parts of it.
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  A lot of people ask me like, Lee, do you ever want to be
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  normal? You ever want to just have a
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  bunch of empathy and feel and have all this compassion and
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  stuff like that? I just be like, look, not really
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  'cause that pain, man, that pain is something that I, I hate
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  experiencing. I hate watching my kids suffer.
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  And you, you have to let them process through it.
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  Watch, watch my wife cry, 'cause my wife is the one who picked
• 2:55
  her out, right? My wife literally picked her out
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  of a litter of a bunch of puppies.
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  And like, that's always been a little floppy eared Beagle, Jack
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  Russell Terry mix, right? That's always been, she's always
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  been literally part of our family for so long.
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  It's kind of, it's very, very difficult to imagine life
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  without her, you know, And I'm still grieving now because,
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  like, the spot where she's slept at, you know, her, her, her bed.
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  And I haven't touched her bowl, her dog bowl, anything like
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  that, Right. So it's really very difficult to
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  process it and just have matching life without her.
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  And a lot of people ask me like, do narcissists care about pets?
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  Can a narcissist love a pet, love an animal?
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  Yeah, absolutely. The, The the problem.
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  And it's not funny yet. But the problem is sometimes the
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  narcissist that you might be dealing with only cares about
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  the pets, right? They only care about the pet.
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  Like they'll come home from a long day at work, a long day out
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  in a long day out here causing chaos in the world and run right
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  past you and show the show the dog some love.
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  You know, feed the goldfish. Hey fishy, hey goldfishy pet the
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  pet, the ferret. Talk to the parrot.
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  They'll go, they'll go vent to the parrot that y'all got as
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  opposed to talking to you. There's so many different things
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  that go on in this situation that end up happening, which is
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  why it's in like, it's very difficult to deal with.
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  It's very difficult to process as someone diagnosed an MPD,
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  someone has been battling this personality disorder forever.
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  That's why it's very difficult, man.
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  It sucks. Like if you're, and this is not
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  just speaking for me, right? If you are dealing with a
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  narcissist that is dealing with grief, a lot of times what ends
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  up happening is you become the target of that grief, right?
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  You become the target. They'll blame you, they'll lash
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  out at you. You'll get some narcissistic
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  rage episodes. There'll be a lot of different
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  things that will be happening, going on and transpiring.
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  That is so difficult to deal with, right?
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  So tough, such a hard thing. And because narcissists,
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  including myself, right, we don't know how to process our
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  emotions in a healthy way. A lot of people tend to think
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  that narcissists have no emotion, that we can't feel.
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  We can't love. We can't, can't, can't, right?
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  But it's just not true. We can feel, we can love, we can
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  care. We just don't know how to
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  process it and do it in a healthy way.
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  That's the biggest struggle right there.
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  It's processing it and dealing with it in any type of healthy
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  dynamic, like, and that's why you get the anger.
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  That's why you get the rage. That's why you get the victory
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  out. It comes from a narcissist when
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  they're grieving because they don't know what to do with it.
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  And this is me and me. This is me in no way, shape or
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  form making an excuse for a toxic narcissistic person.
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  I know that. Yeah.
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  Yeah, y'all know, even though I'm a diagnosed narcissist, we
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  don't do that here. Shout out to Chadwick Boseman,
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  we don't do that here. Don't bow to me.
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  You know me. Rest in peace.
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  But that's what it really is a tough thing to deal with man.
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  Cuz like you have a narcissist in your life, like especially if
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  they're dealing with a pet or a parent or whoever it is, they
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  don't know how to deal with grief.
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  They don't know how to process things like that.
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  They will take it out on you. So when a narcissist is
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  grieving, just be careful, be on the lookout.
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  Like yesterday my son had a basketball game.
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  This is like real life. My son had a basketball
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  tournament. He got hurt and I just felt and
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  my dog had like my dog passed away Friday and we he had my, my
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  son had a basketball tournament in High Point on Saturday.
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  So I'm sitting there, I'm like still processing emotions, still
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  doing, everything's still going on in my mind and I'm like, man,
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  what in the hell? How do we you know, he got hurt
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  and I just, I was just disconnected, man.
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  I was just out there. Of course I shook myself out of
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  it and showed him love and make sure I took care of him and
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  whatnot. But like initially I was just
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  like logged out. It's embarrassing to say that I
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  was literally logged out emotionally at that point.
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  I was like, I got nothing else to give.
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  My son is hurt dog in the past, like, you know, I put my dog
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  down just like it's such such a tough dynamic to deal with
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  overall in the process. And that's why I say, I think
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  it's so important to recognize that if you're dealing with a
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  narcissist and they're grieving, sometimes it's best for you.
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  Of course, you want to acknowledge them.
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  You don't want to just disappear because they'll hold that
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  against you as well, right? You can't win for losing when
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  you're dealing with a narcissist, right?
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  You can because they'll hold it against you if you, if you are
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  there for a narcissist when they have some, when they're dealing
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  with grief, they can you, they, they'll still be angry and
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  vitriolic towards you, hurtful towards you.
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  If you decide to leave them be, they'll be hurtful and angry and
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  this damn near no winning. So it's kind of like, what do
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  you feel is the best in this situation for you?
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  Because that's what you have to choose sometimes right there,
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  right? That's what you have to choose.
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  That's what you have to pick. That's going to be the choice
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  that you have to make in order to protect yourself, in order to
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  stay as healthy as possible and safe as possible.
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  Because in these situations, you're damned if you do and
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  you're damned if you don't. So I tell people what I say,
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  choose the damned that you can live with, right?
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  Because if you're going to be like, some people will just
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  like, hey, they're grieving. They didn't show me no, when I
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  was grieving. They didn't care about me.
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  So hey, some people can't live with that.
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  Some people just like, even though I know they're going to
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  get mad, I have to show them something.
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  I have to give them something. This is not who, this is who I
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  am as a human, this is who I am as a person.
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  So I understand that point of view as well, right?
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  So it's like being able to protect yourself, being able to
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  guard yourself, being able to see what you can live with.
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  Because when you're dealing with a narcissistic person, that's
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  what you're going, this is literally what you're going to
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  be up against. You know, you're literally going
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  to be up against an abusive manipulator that is in need that
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  needs you for something. You know what I'm saying?
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  And this is a tough thing to deal with.
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  But abusive, lying, cheating, ass beating narcissist that will
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  not that probably will not be there for you unless there's
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  some strains attached. They expect you to be there for
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  them. You know, they expect you to be
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  there for them face to face in person, here, there everywhere.
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  That's what they expect. Is that what they're going to
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  get? I don't know, like it's up to
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  you. Because me, I, I said me and my
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  wife were there the whole time when they everything was going
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  on with my dog. We were there.
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  We had my my kids didn't come of course, thank goodness.
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  But me, my wife were there. I held my wifes hand.
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  We cried together. She cried, I cried.
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  We crewed together right? And I don't even like crying
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  man. I hate, I don't think I
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  understand. I hate crying.
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  But as someone who's trying to get into the acting world, I
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  need to grow. I need to know how to cry and
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  experience emotion. So that's like sometimes these
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  moments or this kind of moment of grief for me personally is a
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  self discovery journey. It's like telling myself it's OK
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  to cry, telling myself it's OK to be vulnerable.
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  Like what is my wife going to do?
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  She going to use it against me that I cried and cried when we
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  had to put our dog down that had been that had been with us for
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  13 years. What is I'm saying we're going
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  to cry about right there in this situation?
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  How are we, how are we going to cry?
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  What are you going to say? I watched my cousin cry back in
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  the day before I was on this personal development journey, I
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  would have refused to cry because I thought it looked
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  weak. I thought it was weakness.
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  Even in those moments when I was crying, even when I thought
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  before we went to before we went to the place where we went to
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  healing. Shout out to Healing Paul's in
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  Hillsborough, NC, because they were.
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  That's amazing people. Like we have to go through
• 10:01
  something and stuff like that. There's so much kindness and
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  empathy in that place. Healing Paws or we, that's the
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  place we're going to take our cat to for just get his check up
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  and stuff. But like Healing Paws in
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  Hillsboro, North Carolina over by the Walmart in Goodwill.
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  Amazing place, amazing stuff. I don't even know if y'all live
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  in North Carolina, but Healing Paws over there by Home Depot
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  and stuff like that in in Hillsboro, amazing, amazing
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  stuff. They were so kind of empathetic
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  and they would feel like they were going to cry with us, you
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  know, So I just in my mind, when I was crying, I just my thought
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  process was like, OK, this is good because I'm, I'm a human.
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  I can cry. But the narcissistic part of me
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  was like, these people are going to are judging me for being the
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  weakling for crying. The narcissistic part of my
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  brain was like, these people are literally judging me for crying.
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  So when we had to go through the process, put my dog down, like I
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  felt like I wanted to cry, right?
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  But it's part of me was holding it back because I'm like, these
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  people are going to judge me for crying.
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  These people are going to judge me for shedding tears with my
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  dog. It's my sick dog, you know, But
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  the, the part of me that I didn't, that has been working,
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  the cognizant, the cognizant part of me was like, who cares?
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  Who cares? You're a human being.
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  These are human emotions. You're a human.
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  So it allowed me to cry in that moment.
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  It allowed me to experience grief in the moment.
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  It allowed me to be vulnerable in that moment.
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  And when I'm able to be vulnerable, it lets me know that
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  I can love because you can't. I don't think you can love
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  without being vulnerable. The reason I was crying because
• 11:19
  I loved because I was vulnerable in that moment because my, my
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  dog who had been around, like literally my dog, my DA, my DAWG
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  and my DOG who had been around for 13 years, like, it's crazy.
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  My son, like when he was younger had a speech impediment.
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  So he couldn't really say a whole bunch of words.
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  So when we got her, there's so many different names we wanted
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  to name her. We named her Lala because it was
• 11:41
  easy to say. That's literally where her name
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  came from, like Lala. So this is like Mama Lala.
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  It's easy to say for him, and that's why I like he cried.
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  He cried too, 17 years old. And that's so good, man.
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  I know it's like, I hate to see my kids in pain, but it's so
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  good that they can cry and they can experience vulnerability,
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  They experience grief. I was like, damn, they're not
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  like me when I was young. And that made me so proud, man.
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  It really did. It made me so proud that they're
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  not like me. They're, they're a lot like me.
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  They're funny, they're smart and stuff like that, you know, but
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  the vulnerability, they're crying, I'm like, that's so good
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  of them being able to to do that.
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  I was so proud of them being able to do that.
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  And they like this crime. I'm like, that's I'm so proud of
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  my kids, man, So proud of my wife.
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  It was just like those moments in time right there.
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  You know, we miss my dog, my DAWG, my DOG, like it's, it's
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  she was, she was truly loved, you know, she was truly loved,
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  truly grateful for every moment we got to spend with her every
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  night in just in the background and foreground of our lives for
• 12:42
  so long. I just want to do this video as
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  a shout out and remembrance to my my DAWG La La I how even her
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  passing help. She's been helped, you know, I
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  mean just so love your love your animals.
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  Y'all hug them, kiss them tightly.
• 12:58
  You never know They they they they there even sometimes we
• 13:01
  don't notice them every single day.
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  They always there. Y'all.
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  So they got anything into the video.
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  I truly appreciate y'all. I'm truly thankful for you.
• 13:07
  Leave a a little dog emoji in the comment section as a
• 13:10
  remembrance of Lala and of all your pets and animals or cat or
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  whatever that you've lost along the way or that you own right
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  now that you have that's part of your family right now.
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  Doesn't have to be remembrance. It could be like just a shout
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  out. Anyways, y'all, I love y'all.
• 13:22
  I'm grateful for y'all. I'm still grieving now.
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  That's why I don't see that crazy energy, the crazy energy
• 13:27
  just bouncing around normally in videos.
• 13:28
  I'm getting back to me, you know, So I appreciate y'all
• 13:32
  mental illness.net for all things Lee Hammock.
• 13:35
  I'm thankful for you. Peace.