Latest / Finding God at Work / 22: When Your Dream Dies Again (with Katie Walter Easley)

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22: When Your Dream Dies Again (with Katie Walter Easley) · Finding God at Work

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(Transcribed by TurboScribe.ai. Go Unlimited to remove this message.) Hi, I'm Chris, and I'm Katie, and this
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is Finding God at Work.
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Just a reminder that Finding God at Work
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isn't just a podcast.
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It's also an online course.
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Check it out at findinggodatwork.org.
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Our current series is Divine Disappointments, Facing Pain
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and Sorrow at Work.
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And to catch you up, we're kind of
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wrapping up the series with a four part
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series within a series about the life of
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Joseph, but also sharing about Katie's journey and
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my journey individually and together, kind of our
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vocational lives and particularly Katie's health life, but
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also my mental health life and our life
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with God in the church and how all
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those things kind of intersect and some points
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of connection with Joseph's story.
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So we're going to start with Joseph and
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then we'll give Katie a chance to share
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a little bit about what happened next in
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our story and I'll share too.
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So, um, Joseph, uh, when we last left
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Joseph, he had been sold into slavery by
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his own brothers and taken to Egypt.
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He ends up in the house of a
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relatively high ranking official named Potiphar.
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Uh, he kind of becomes the manager of
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that household.
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Uh, but then he is falsely accused and,
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um, put in prison.
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Um, so he's falsely accused of sexual assault.
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He ends up in prison.
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So, uh, let me start in chapter 39,
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verse 20.
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And Joseph's master took him and put him
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into the prison, the place where the King's
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prisoners were confined, and he was there in
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prison, but the Lord was with Joseph and
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showed him steadfast love and gave him favor
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in the sight of the keeper of the
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prison.
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And the keeper of the prison put Joseph
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in charge of all the prisoners who were
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in the prison.
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Whatever was done there, he was the one
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who did it.
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The keeper of the prison paid no attention
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to anything that was in Joseph's charge because
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the Lord was with him and whatever he
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did, the Lord made it succeed.
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Okay.
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So ending there on an encouraging note of
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how the Lord was still with Joseph, but
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he's with Joseph in prison.
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I mean, imagine that you're in Joseph's situation,
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alienated from your family, in a different culture,
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uh, having a measure of success, and then
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ending up on the wrong side of the
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criminal justice system through no fault of your
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own, um, being literally imprisoned.
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What a dark place for Joseph to be.
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Uh, if Joseph, when he was sold into
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slavery, if that was kind of like the
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death of his dream that he had, in
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some ways being put in prison is like
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the second death or the double death of
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his dream.
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Um, and this is a pattern that we
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see in other places in scripture too, that
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sometimes when God gives a dream, the dream
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doesn't just die.
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It really dies.
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It dies a terrible, agonizing death.
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Um, and that, that's very much something that's
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resonated with me in my journey.
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Yeah.
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Talk about that.
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With what's unfolded in our lives since, um,
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since that, that kind of crisis that started
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in 2016.
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So to, to kind of fast forward a
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little bit, uh, 2017, 2018 were like better
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years, but still really challenging.
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Um, Katie and I, I was more stabilized
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mentally.
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Yeah.
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Yeah.
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Um, and you were, um, you and I
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both were going through a kind of, uh,
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contemplative spirituality program at our church called Transformation
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Intensive, which was really helping me with, with
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setting those boundaries around kind of performance and
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ministry, uh, learning how to attend to my
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own soul, learning how to attend to our
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marriage and to you personally, and then thinking
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about ministry and just doing things in a
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lot healthier way.
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So it was a real year of growth
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for me, which, which was a grace.
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At the same time, that was a really
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hard year for you in terms of your
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relationship with the church still.
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Yeah.
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Um, I think the way I would describe
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it is if you're going through a period
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of mental unwellness, just fundamentally the way you
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relate to the world and yourself and other
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people and God included is just, it's on
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the fritz.
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Um, you know, depression is isolating, isolates you
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from yourself, isolates you from others in your
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life.
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You, you're lacking that vital spark to connect
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and that applies to your relationship with God
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as well.
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It, it, it felt like just talking and
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hearing my own voice echo.
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Yeah.
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So a real sense of isolation, even alienation
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to a certain extent and, and just not
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knowing how to like find a place to
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belong in the church is what I remember.
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And we still both had this assumption that
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life was going to get back on track
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and you were going to go and be
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a pastor.
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And so I guess, you know, unspoken that
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implied I was going to be a pastor's
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wife.
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And well, what did that really mean?
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I don't think we, either of us had
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a good concept of that, but I was
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just picking up on things in the water,
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in the air, cultural assumptions, um, and realizing
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that the me I was becoming just did
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not fit that mold whatsoever.
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So that made me feel really displaced.
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Yeah.
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And, and I think for me, I had
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viewed the, the crisis so far, like starting
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in 2016 as maybe like a speed bump
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or a short detour, and then I still,
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and this is kind of me being headstrong
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and pursuing my dream, like I talked about
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in the first episode, um, I was like,
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okay, let's get this plan back on the
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road now, you know, like I'm all healed
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up, did my contemplative, uh, prayer ministry year,
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learned how to be healthy in ministry.
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Now let's go do this thing.
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You were so ready.
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I was so ready to go.
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And I, I still very much thought about
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Katie as eventually Katie will figure out how
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to be a mom and a pastor's wife.
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And that'll be great.
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And I really thought about the rest of
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Katie's life, including her, her work as a
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nurse, almost just like icing on the cake.
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Like I didn't really think about it that
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much.
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Whereas I, in the meantime was realizing this
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is really where my vocation is, uh, professionally
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in the nursing world.
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I'm just getting ready to take off with
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that.
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And it would be a while before I
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really started paying attention to that.
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Um, I was still really focused on my
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plan, how I was going to get things
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done.
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And, uh, where that kind of led us
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in the immediate future was I took a
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job at a wonderful ministry in Chicago called
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the Chicago campus initiative, uh, where I was
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doing student ministry on campus at the university
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of Illinois at Chicago.
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And, uh, part of my thinking with that,
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and, and, and you reflected on this too
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is, Hey, maybe a change of scenery will
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do Katie good.
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Maybe we're going to a different church.
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It's still in our tradition, still connected.
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It's a little smaller.
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Maybe, maybe that'll be easier for Katie to
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connect with.
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So I thought.
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Yeah.
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And I, I thought, you know, I'm not
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sure what does work.
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I feel like what we're doing now doesn't
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work.
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So we might as well throw some spaghetti
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at the wall and see what sticks.
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Yeah.
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And so, uh, we started throwing spaghetti and,
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uh, I started doing student ministry.
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So this would have been like January of
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2019, like the second semester of that school
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year.
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And within a few weeks, it became really
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clear that this spaghetti wall was no stickier
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than the last.
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We made quite a mess.
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Yeah.
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Um, and so I, I was, I was,
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uh, doing ministry still, but Katie really still
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felt distant from the church.
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Yeah.
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And it was impacting your work to the
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extent, like even proximity to the church in
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any way felt unbearable to me.
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Cause I just had so much baggage to
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sort through.
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Um, and so I really was not able
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to cope with the idea of you, your
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ministry taking off, I would get left behind.
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Yeah.
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Yeah.
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There was definitely a sense of even getting
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close to church created, not just like difficulty
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for Katie, but like emotional distress, like trying
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to go to a church service, you would.
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Panic attacks.
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Yeah, literally.
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And, and we didn't know why at the
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time.
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And so this was very disorienting for me.
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Part of what I began to realize was.
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I've assumed that this kind of crisis that
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Katie has gone through is a little detour,
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but I think it's something bigger than that.
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It was actually like the main through affair.
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Yeah.
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Yeah.
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It was, it was like a different road
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entirely in some ways.
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Um, and so for me, that was that
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moment of feeling like, okay, if, if 2016
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was a speed bump, 2019 was like hitting
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a wall, um, where I felt like what's
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happened to my dream?
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Like, I thought we were getting back on
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track with this.
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I thought I was getting back into ministry.
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And, and lo and behold, like my wife
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still doesn't know how to be present in
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church and church feels like strangely toxic to
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her somehow, even though it's like, we don't
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know why.
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And like, what am I going to do?
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And, and eventually we kind of got to
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a point of just like desolation of me
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realizing I'm not a dad.
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It doesn't look like I'm going to be
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a dad anytime soon.
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And I really don't think I can be
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a pastor anytime soon.
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Uh, and be a healthy husband at the
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same time.
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They felt like mutually exclusive options.
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Um, and I just remember I, uh, we,
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we, we actually changed churches again.
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So I kept in the ministry job, but
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then we started attending a church in Aurora.
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Also same tradition, same diocese called city of
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light.
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And I remember it on an Ash Wednesday
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service.
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I was just like praying with father Trevor
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there and like snot dripping down from my
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nose to my hand.
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And I was just like, I was at
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rock bottom.
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Like I, I had no idea where my
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life was going because it felt like everything
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that I had assumed up to that point
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was not coming true.
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I wasn't even able to come to that
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Ash Wednesday service because baggage, but I remember
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it being really significant for you.
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I came home and stuff was going on,
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but like, yeah.
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So, um, so to kind of leap forward
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again, um, I still had really great support
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from the church and from my team in
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the city.
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Um, my supervisor there, Nate was also very
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sensitive wanting to do whatever was best for
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Katie.
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So we eventually discerned, Hey, maybe what Katie
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needs right now is just some room and
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some space and some time.
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And like, not the pressure of like a
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ministry career for Chris moving forward at a
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hundred miles per hour.
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So we discerned with the church, with friends
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and family for me to take a marketplace
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job.
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And I ended up working at a mortgage
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company, uh, which was not on my bingo
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card.
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I had no background in finance.
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The last time I had taken a math
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class was in high school.
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I was an English major, uh, in college.
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And so, um, this was in the pandemic
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now in 2020, and I found myself doing
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mortgage stuff 40 hours a week.
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Uh, and so that was, that was totally
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different than anything I'd ever expected.
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Um, but that actually ended up being a
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grace for me and for Katie too.
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Um, part of what happened for me is
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I realized I could meet Jesus in an
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everyday job that wasn't quote unquote, a ministry
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job.
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Um, and, and that's where a lot of
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the energy for the ministry of mission central
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actually came from.
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It's vision of forming Christians for mission and
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everyday life that your normal workplace, even if
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it's quote unquote secular can be a place
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for deep formation and meaningful mission.
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And I began to experience that.
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And that was, that was thrilling because before
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up to that point in my life, I'd
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been terrified of the idea of having a
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secular job.
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I was like, Oh no, what do I
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do if I have to do a terrible
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secular job?
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And instead I found out you can experience
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the joy of Jesus at a secular job
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by, by living a life of contemplative mission,
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just like you do if you're doing quote
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unquote ministry.
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Um, but it was also helpful for you.
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Yeah.
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And for me, something came to life, which
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I had never experienced before.
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It just felt like it made so much
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more sense to me to be the wife
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of a mortgage dude, um, instead of a
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pastor's wife.
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Um, I think because of the way that,
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that women were professionally built up and celebrated
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in your work culture, I just, I felt
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like I fit into that world so much
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more easily, not saying that the churches we've
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attended, um, have discouraged that for women or,
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or tried to, I don't know.
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Yeah.
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But there was just something that I think
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God ministered that clicked into place where you
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were like, we were at this company retreat,
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I remember.
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And talking with some of my coworkers who
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were women and just like them seeing you
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as a fellow professional, like you're a nurse
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and I'm just like celebrating you for that.
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Whereas I feel like my fear was if
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we had been having that kind of conversation
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within the church, I would be feeling like
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I needed to justify why I didn't have
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kids yet and why I was holding back
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my husband from being a pastor, um, and
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the depth of that may or may not
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be warranted.
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Yeah.
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Yeah.
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You were still working through inter interior things
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as well as thinking about church culture things
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and how do we navigate what it means
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to quote unquote be a pastor's wife.
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Um, but for me, it also was a
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season of really affirming Katie and her vocation
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outside of the house.
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Um, and the way she ministers and healthcare
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to other people, she was working in hospice
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at this point, she'd finished her bachelor's.
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She was starting her master's.
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Uh, she would eventually become a nurse practitioner.
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Um, later in the story.
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Um, but I really began to see just
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how meaningful Katie's ministry was in its, in
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its own right.
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So yeah, so that, that's kind of, um,
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I think where we'll leave the narrative at
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this point in the story, I'm working at
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a mortgage company.
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My dream has really died at this point.
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There hasn't just been a death of the
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vision.
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There's been a double death of the vision.
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There's been a death of the dream.
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So dead, so dead, beat it with a
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stick.
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I won't respond.
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Um, and yet just like Joseph in that
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prison, God was with me and I was
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discovering the joy of the gospel afresh in
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some ways for myself.
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Um, and I was seeing Katie with new
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eyes.
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Our marriage was in a healthier place.
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Um, and I was doing a ministry, active,
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more traditional ministry through mission central, um, at
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the same time, kind of evenings and weekends
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sort of thing, um, beginning to, to do
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coursework and, and help other people discover how
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to, how to meet God in everyday life.
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So there, there was a lot of grace,
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even though still that original dream of being
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a dad and being a pastor.
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It was a million miles away.
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Um, anything else you want to share in
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this episode?
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Those dreams were a million miles away and
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the dream of being us was really coming
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to life.
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Yeah.
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Yeah.
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Well, let's pray on that note.
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Lord Jesus, thank you for your faithfulness.
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Um, even through the double death of a
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dream, bringing us close to you and close
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to each other.
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Um, we pray for any listeners who are
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in that place that you would sanctify them,
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even in the suffering they face and the
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sacrifices they face, perhaps the places they've ended
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up that they didn't expect that you would
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be with them, Jesus, do your work in
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us as we do our work with you.
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Thanks for listening.
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Finding God at Work is a production of
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Mission Central, a ministry based in Aurora, Illinois,
14:35
dedicated to forming Christians for mission in everyday
14:38
life.
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You can subscribe to the podcast wherever you
14:41
listen to this episode to get 10 minutes
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of teaching on faith and work every Tuesday
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and Thursday.
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To get resources to go deeper with each
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podcast series, read our blog and get info
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about upcoming courses on faith in the workplace,
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go to our website, missioncentral.church.