Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #627 Growing, Growing, Not Gone

Transcript

#627 Growing, Growing, Not Gone · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

0:03
Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast.
0:05
Speaker 2: It's the podcast for the time poor parent who just
0:09
Speaker 2: once answers, Now, I have got so many facets to
0:13
Speaker 2: myself because of all of the skills that I learned
0:18
Speaker 2: in those mundane, everyday interactions with my children and my
0:22
Speaker 2: family that have elevated me and allowed me to have
0:27
Speaker 2: opportunities that I would never have had without them. And
0:30
Speaker 2: now here's the stars of our show.
0:33
Speaker 3: My mom and dad. Do you think that you're ready
0:35
Speaker 3: for what's going to happen to our house today?
0:38
Speaker 2: No, that would be one hundred percent not So.
0:41
Speaker 3: For those of you who haven't heard, we moved house
0:44
Speaker 3: at the start of the year, we've moved to the coast.
0:46
Speaker 3: We've moved into this beautifu little street in a suburb
0:48
Speaker 3: that we're excited to live in. And one of the
0:51
Speaker 3: first things that we were told after we bought the house.
0:53
Speaker 2: After let's let's put this into contact.
0:55
Speaker 3: Literally after like we've gone to the auction, We've bought
0:58
Speaker 3: the house at the auction, and within ten minutes of
1:01
Speaker 3: that happening, some of the neighbors have come over to say, hey,
1:03
Speaker 3: welcome to the neighborhood. Great to have you. This is
1:04
Speaker 3: the best street in our suburb, You're going to be
1:06
Speaker 3: so excited to be here, like everyone just loves where
1:08
Speaker 3: we are, right And then they've said, oh, by the way,
1:11
Speaker 3: you should know you have bought the Halloween house. You've
1:18
Speaker 3: bought the Halloween house. And we're like, oh, we don't
1:21
Speaker 3: really do Halloween. And we're like, wow, you.
1:23
Speaker 2: Do now all the holidays that we could have picked.
1:27
Speaker 3: Yeah, what about the Thanksgiving house, Well that'd be quiet day.
1:30
Speaker 3: Australia doesn't care about Thanksgiving. Halloween.
1:35
Speaker 2: Yeah, we're not. I mean we're not against it, we're
1:37
Speaker 2: just not big on it.
1:38
Speaker 3: So I asked one of the neighbors the other day
1:40
Speaker 3: how big is Halloween in our street? And they said, oh,
1:42
Speaker 3: this is like this street goes nuts for Halloween. Not
1:46
Speaker 3: necessarily the residents in the street, although they obviously get involved,
1:49
Speaker 3: but kind of the whole suburb knows that this is
1:51
Speaker 3: the street to go to to do Halloween. Apparently this
1:53
Speaker 3: is well.
1:54
Speaker 2: I want to suggest that we have a lot of
1:55
Speaker 2: grandparents and they know how to spoil the kids. I
1:58
Speaker 2: think that's how we've got the name.
2:00
Speaker 3: The house that we bought was owned by grandparents, was
2:01
Speaker 3: owned just by a regular family before us but everyone,
2:04
Speaker 3: they said, you will get five, six, seven hundred, maybe
2:07
Speaker 3: a thousand people come through your front yard wanting to
2:10
Speaker 3: do Halloween trick or treat. I think I'm going to
2:13
Speaker 3: have to go on by more lollies.
2:14
Speaker 2: I don't have enough. I swear we're going to.
2:16
Speaker 3: Be out before we know it. This is this.
2:19
Speaker 2: I'm a bit nervous.
2:20
Speaker 3: I'm really nervous. Have you worked out what we're going
2:22
Speaker 3: to wear?
2:23
Speaker 2: I have no idea. I've been worried about the decorations.
2:26
Speaker 3: I was thinking for Halloween. I might just wear my
2:28
Speaker 3: budgy smugglers. Oh please, don't trick or treat. That'll scare
2:32
Speaker 3: some people. Maybe not, you don't think so. No, for
2:36
Speaker 3: those who were terrified and staring at their speakers now
2:39
Speaker 3: thinking he said what, I don't actually own budgy smugglers.
2:43
Speaker 3: I wouldn't do that to the community. It's not fair.
2:45
Speaker 3: But that's not what we're talking about today. Although it
2:47
Speaker 3: would be a fascinating conversation to have the whole Halloween thing.
2:50
Speaker 3: Maybe we can do a debrief on Friday for I'll
2:52
Speaker 3: do better tomorrow and talk about what really happened. You though,
2:55
Speaker 3: Kylie had an incident a conversation A conversation is a
2:59
Speaker 3: better word for it with a friend recently that has
3:02
Speaker 3: been insightful, and that's what we're going to talk about
3:04
Speaker 3: in our podcast today. Tell us about it.
3:06
Speaker 2: Well, a few weeks ago, it was actually an online conversation,
3:08
Speaker 2: so we weren't face to face, but one of my
3:10
Speaker 2: friends and I were chatting. I have been, you know again,
3:13
Speaker 2: just kind of revisiting this kind of concept of what
3:17
Speaker 2: I want to be when I grow up.
3:18
Speaker 3: All right, because when you're in your forties, that's the
3:20
Speaker 3: time to start to thinking about that.
3:22
Speaker 2: Well, all of the kids are getting older now, and
3:25
Speaker 2: I definitely have a little bit more time on my
3:27
Speaker 2: hands to do things that interest me. But because I
3:31
Speaker 2: have spent so much time with the kids over the years,
3:34
Speaker 2: while I've got lots of things that I kind of
3:36
Speaker 2: pique my interest, there's nothing that really stands out as
3:39
Speaker 2: being something I want to do for good.
3:41
Speaker 3: Okay.
3:41
Speaker 2: I've been writing for Kylie's Corner for the last couple
3:44
Speaker 2: of years now, and I really enjoy writing and I
3:47
Speaker 2: feel like I'm getting better at it, and I wondered
3:51
Speaker 2: whether or not that's something I might kind of look
3:52
Speaker 2: into a little bit more and So one of our
3:54
Speaker 2: friends is actually an editor for a publishing house, and
3:57
Speaker 2: so I just sent her a little message and I said, look,
3:59
Speaker 2: I'm just playing around with this idea. I've been doing,
4:01
Speaker 2: you know, a little bit of writing, and I'm really
4:03
Speaker 2: enjoying it, but I'd like to know how to be
4:05
Speaker 2: better at it. And we started this conversation going, and
4:10
Speaker 2: finally she just said, she said, I'm so excited for
4:13
Speaker 2: you that you're thinking about doing something new. She said.
4:15
Speaker 2: You know, I was talking to my husband about it,
4:17
Speaker 2: and we realized, you know, before we had the kids,
4:20
Speaker 2: we had all of these little hobbies that we used
4:22
Speaker 2: to do. We were really interesting.
4:24
Speaker 1: Rights but now we're just boring, right, And it just
4:30
Speaker 1: got me thinking about this kind of idea of being
4:33
Speaker 1: interesting and boring.
4:34
Speaker 3: You know, what they need to do have more kids.
4:37
Speaker 3: Nothing boring when you've got six kids.
4:40
Speaker 2: Well, I don't think they're talking about life being boring.
4:42
Speaker 2: I think they're talking about them.
4:44
Speaker 3: And being boring, being boring.
4:45
Speaker 2: Okay, okay, when you know, I remember back to the
4:48
Speaker 2: times when we had younger kids and all of our
4:50
Speaker 2: conversations revolved around the kids.
4:52
Speaker 3: Yeah, it was it was sleep, and it was eating,
4:55
Speaker 3: and it was yeah, yeah, and how hard it is
4:59
Speaker 3: all the growth stuff, Yeah yeah, yeah, for sure.
5:01
Speaker 2: And there wasn't a lot of me time. There wasn't
5:03
Speaker 2: a lot of time to kind of develop myself or
5:07
Speaker 2: do things that I really loved to do or lit
5:09
Speaker 2: me up.
5:10
Speaker 3: You're sounding a little bit grandmotherly. I can imagine some
5:12
Speaker 3: of our podcast listeners who are in their late twenties
5:15
Speaker 3: sort of going, what's that like to have kids that
5:18
Speaker 3: are so old that you can say I remember back when?
5:21
Speaker 3: Because it's hard, right, I mean, when you're in there,
5:23
Speaker 3: think of it, it's hard. And I guess I can
5:24
Speaker 3: get why somebody would say, yeah, life feels a little
5:26
Speaker 3: bit boring because it is just so tiring.
5:29
Speaker 2: But you know, it just made me start to think
5:31
Speaker 2: about things, and I think about the person that I
5:33
Speaker 2: am now. It's a direct result of those years that
5:37
Speaker 2: my friend is right in the middle of right now,
5:40
Speaker 2: where she's feeling that she's not interesting, and the recognition
5:45
Speaker 2: that I am only the person I am now because
5:47
Speaker 2: of those years that felt mundane and felt at times
5:52
Speaker 2: just so ho hum and hard and you know, just
5:57
Speaker 2: day to day struggle.
5:59
Speaker 3: Yes, you're not the person because of the struggle. The
6:03
Speaker 3: person you are because of the way you approach the struggle.
6:05
Speaker 3: So the choice that you have when you're a young
6:08
Speaker 3: mum specifically, but even a young dad. I mean I
6:11
Speaker 3: made a pretty big choice around fatherhood as well. The
6:14
Speaker 3: choice that you make, the way you choose to act
6:16
Speaker 3: with intention, that determines what your destiny is. It's the
6:20
Speaker 3: day to day decisions that determine destiny. You can't so
6:24
Speaker 3: I like, you're incredible with birthday parties, You're amazing with events.
6:27
Speaker 3: You're an incredible I mean just fabulous, stunning in the kitchen,
6:32
Speaker 3: you know how to do all this stuff. But it's
6:34
Speaker 3: because when we made the decision, primarily when you made
6:36
Speaker 3: the decision that you're going to stay at home and
6:38
Speaker 3: raise the kids rather than go out to work. You
6:40
Speaker 3: put your heart and soul into it. You put everything
6:42
Speaker 3: into it. And it was mundane and it was hard,
6:44
Speaker 3: and it was banal and it was boring, but you
6:46
Speaker 3: put everything into it and that has led to the
6:49
Speaker 3: growth that's led to you being the phenomenon that Misappy
6:52
Speaker 3: Families is today.
6:54
Speaker 2: It's very much about intention. And for me, when I
6:58
Speaker 2: look back on those years and even now, I mean,
7:00
Speaker 2: I'm still developing, I'm still growing. I'm still learning. The
7:05
Speaker 2: thing that I have loved the most is there are
7:10
Speaker 2: some strengths that I have tapped into. And the number
7:14
Speaker 2: one strength would be creativity. Like I love to be creative,
7:19
Speaker 2: and so before we had kids, I was doing craft
7:22
Speaker 2: all the time. And then we had kids, and I
7:24
Speaker 2: tried to keep doing craft and it just got hard.
7:27
Speaker 2: And so you talk about birthday parties, you talk about planning,
7:30
Speaker 2: you talk about, you know, just doing events for the
7:32
Speaker 2: kids and things like that. That's where I was able
7:35
Speaker 2: to utilize my creativity in the kitchen, learning new recipes.
7:39
Speaker 2: That was how I kind of explored my creativity. But
7:43
Speaker 2: it was actually out of necessity.
7:45
Speaker 3: Can we just yeah, I want to paint the picture here.
7:47
Speaker 3: This isn't where you sort of went, well, I used
7:49
Speaker 3: to be creative like this, but now we have children,
7:51
Speaker 3: so I'm going to be creative like that. That's not
7:53
Speaker 3: what happened. I remember you would be sitting in the
7:56
Speaker 3: room on the bed in a heap, going, I don't
8:00
Speaker 3: know how I'm going to do this. I've taken on
8:01
Speaker 3: too much. This was a ridiculous idea. I've got no
8:03
Speaker 3: idea how I'm going to make this event work. And
8:06
Speaker 3: the headaches and the challenge and the trial that you
8:08
Speaker 3: went through to make each of these events what it
8:11
Speaker 3: became like, this was not an easy thing for you.
8:14
Speaker 3: And it's not like you wanted to be doing these things.
8:16
Speaker 3: Quite often, you were doing it because you felt duty
8:18
Speaker 3: bound to do it, but you just wanted to give
8:19
Speaker 3: the kids a good experience. But again, you put your
8:21
Speaker 3: heart and soul into it, and the learning that you've had,
8:23
Speaker 3: the experiences that you've had have shaped who you are now.
8:27
Speaker 3: There's and nothing was boring about it, But it was
8:31
Speaker 3: really really hard, and at the time it felt like
8:32
Speaker 3: it was boring.
8:34
Speaker 2: You know. One of the things that actually was pivotal
8:37
Speaker 2: to shaping me was actually living on a budget. Ah yeah,
8:43
Speaker 2: all of those years while you were a student. I
8:47
Speaker 2: had to find ways to be creative and to give
8:49
Speaker 2: the kids experiences without it hurting us financially.
8:52
Speaker 3: Yeah, with literally. I remember one year we did a
8:54
Speaker 3: homemade Christmas because we had no money for Christmas gifts
8:57
Speaker 3: at all, and so we just made the decision home
9:00
Speaker 3: made Christmas. We have to make stuff for everyone, which.
9:02
Speaker 2: I thought was a great idea at the.
9:04
Speaker 3: Time, wasn't it. I Mean it was a massive drama,
9:06
Speaker 3: But how much did we learn and how much fun
9:08
Speaker 3: was it?
9:08
Speaker 2: Well? I had to make presents for everyone because but
9:11
Speaker 2: then I had to spend one on one time with
9:14
Speaker 2: six children at various ages who had all got one sister.
9:18
Speaker 2: We did secret sisters, one sister to make a present
9:21
Speaker 2: for and work with them without anyone else knowing what
9:25
Speaker 2: was going on. It was so much work and I
9:29
Speaker 2: was exhausted at the end of it. But one of
9:31
Speaker 2: our favorite Christmas memories.
9:32
Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, yeah, And I think you started preparing for
9:34
Speaker 3: Christmas in September because it was a homemade Christmas and
9:37
Speaker 3: we had no money. What's this got to do with? Actually,
9:40
Speaker 3: before I asked that question, a quick point creativity is
9:43
Speaker 3: infinite unless you're tired. Creativity is really limited. When you're
9:48
Speaker 3: super tired, you're just like, I have no capacity for creativity.
9:51
Speaker 3: But creativity itself is infinite. You think about how many
9:54
Speaker 3: bajillions of songs have been written, You think about how
9:57
Speaker 3: many stories have been told, You think about how many
10:00
Speaker 3: inventions have been created, and how many there will yet be.
10:04
Speaker 3: Creativity is infinite, and so from a parenting point of view,
10:07
Speaker 3: when we're looking at the mundane everyday ho hum, stuff
10:12
Speaker 3: that we're trapesing through, especially when the kids are young
10:14
Speaker 3: and we are that exhausted. We can come up with
10:17
Speaker 3: an infinite number of ways to play with the kids,
10:19
Speaker 3: an infinite number of ways to host a party for
10:21
Speaker 3: the kids, an infinite number of ways to discipline the
10:24
Speaker 3: kids in positive and efficient, effective, productive ways. I think
10:29
Speaker 3: we just need to illustrate that, and recognizing that creativity
10:32
Speaker 3: is infinite should give every parent who's exhausted and over
10:34
Speaker 3: it's some hope that if they just look at a
10:37
Speaker 3: little bit differently, just try something new, it will change
10:40
Speaker 3: the way their family feels. And in ten, fifteen, twenty
10:42
Speaker 3: years time, I mean we've been parenting now for twenty
10:45
Speaker 3: three plus years. Over time, it changes and shapes who
10:50
Speaker 3: you become. Being creative is really vital to that process.
10:55
Speaker 2: At one of the times in our lives where time
10:59
Speaker 2: was so funds were so low, and we were really
11:03
Speaker 2: really struggling nice today, I needed I needed an outlet.
11:09
Speaker 2: I remember finding joy in mending. People would hand clothes
11:13
Speaker 2: down to us all the time because we had six girls,
11:15
Speaker 2: and so they were constantly hand me downs coming through
11:18
Speaker 2: the door. Left her own center and I would go
11:20
Speaker 2: through the bags and find clothes that were ripped or
11:23
Speaker 2: you know, kind of just stretched out of place, and
11:25
Speaker 2: I would spend a handful of minutes just putting them
11:28
Speaker 2: back into shape. And I found so much joy out
11:31
Speaker 2: of that finding something that was completely ruined, destroyed, couldn't
11:34
Speaker 2: be used again, and I would make it into something
11:36
Speaker 2: that the kids could wear.
11:37
Speaker 3: I haven't seen that sewing machine for a while. I
11:39
Speaker 3: remember one time you pulled apart a few pairs of
11:41
Speaker 3: jeans and turned them into a cushion cover.
11:43
Speaker 2: I mean, well before that, it was actually a baby's
11:47
Speaker 2: activity blanket, and that was my favorite.
11:49
Speaker 3: That's right.
11:49
Speaker 2: Yeah, you use it, which is the bolt loops for
11:52
Speaker 2: toys to be attached to it, pockets to hide things,
11:54
Speaker 2: and it was so much fun.
11:55
Speaker 3: So when you're having this conversation with our friend and
11:57
Speaker 3: she's saying life's boring, We're boring. Having children has ruined
12:01
Speaker 3: the fun that we have in life, what's the real upshot?
12:04
Speaker 3: What's the real outtake here of this conversation? Because I
12:07
Speaker 3: feel like we've talked a lot about being creative and
12:09
Speaker 3: maximizing resources with even when they're limited, being creative with that,
12:14
Speaker 3: But what's the central thing that you're trying to get
12:16
Speaker 3: up for any mum who's kind of going, yeah, yeah,
12:18
Speaker 3: I kind of missed my life before kids.
12:20
Speaker 2: For me, as I look back on those years, I
12:22
Speaker 2: recognize that the person I am today I couldn't be
12:25
Speaker 2: this person, and I feel like I'm quite an interesting
12:28
Speaker 2: person these days. I have got so many facets to
12:32
Speaker 2: myself because of all of the skills that I learned
12:36
Speaker 2: in those mundane, everyday interactions with my children and my family.
12:42
Speaker 2: I didn't see it at the time. It just often
12:44
Speaker 2: felt really hard, and I was frustrated because I wanted
12:48
Speaker 2: more time to be able to do the things that
12:49
Speaker 2: I loved. But it's actually been those hard years in
12:54
Speaker 2: the trenches, working alongside my kids to create experiences for
12:58
Speaker 2: them that they'll remember that have elevated me and allowed
13:03
Speaker 2: me to have opportunities that I would never have had
13:07
Speaker 2: without them, would never have had without them. And now
13:10
Speaker 2: my events aren't little kids' birthday parties. I'm doing big
13:12
Speaker 2: events for big adults, weddings and things like that that
13:16
Speaker 2: I would never have attempted to do if it hadn't
13:18
Speaker 2: have been for the little birthday parties I did in
13:20
Speaker 2: the backyard.
13:21
Speaker 3: I love that. I love that idea, the idea that
13:23
Speaker 3: you've got to start somewhere, So it start small with
13:25
Speaker 3: a two year old, because it doesn't matter what it's like,
13:26
Speaker 3: but the more you do it, the better you get
13:28
Speaker 3: at it. It's another reason to have more kids.
13:30
Speaker 2: Well. The other thing that really stood out to me
13:32
Speaker 2: about it is in those early years, often we spend
13:37
Speaker 2: our time with other mums, and I think about all
13:40
Speaker 2: of the skills that I learned, Like I wasn't always
13:42
Speaker 2: good at doing things, but there were always other people
13:45
Speaker 2: around me who were, and we were able to share
13:47
Speaker 2: ideas with each other. And that's what I absolutely loved.
13:50
Speaker 2: Because now we're all kind of older and our kids
13:53
Speaker 2: are moving on, people are doing different things with their lives,
13:55
Speaker 2: and it's harder to get together than it was when
13:58
Speaker 2: we had little kids at home.
14:00
Speaker 3: Here say that, what I'm really hearing is it can
14:02
Speaker 3: be easy for some people to forget who they were
14:05
Speaker 3: when they become a mum. But that's I think what
14:08
Speaker 3: you're saying is part of the beauty of becoming a mum.
14:12
Speaker 3: You in some ways you don't completely leave that behind.
14:15
Speaker 3: Who you were shapes who you become. But once you're
14:18
Speaker 3: a mum, if you invest in it the right way.
14:20
Speaker 3: It actually shapes you and helps you to grow in
14:22
Speaker 3: a whole lot of new ways that make you better,
14:25
Speaker 3: more capable, and change the trajectory of your life.
14:29
Speaker 2: There is nothing boring about being a mum. And I
14:33
Speaker 2: look at these two friends of ours and I think
14:35
Speaker 2: they've got a fascinating life and they are so creative,
14:39
Speaker 2: and they bring so much joy to their children's lives
14:41
Speaker 2: into that families that associate with them.
14:44
Speaker 3: Yeah, let's wrap up with just some really cool research
14:46
Speaker 3: from Harvard psychologist Daniel Gilbert. He's written a bunch of
14:49
Speaker 3: really really best selling books, really really best selling. Can
14:52
Speaker 3: I say that? He's a really great psychology books And
14:55
Speaker 3: he talks about how when you ask people in their
14:58
Speaker 3: thirties how much they've grown in the last decade, they say, oh, amazingly,
15:02
Speaker 3: so much. But when you ask them, do you think
15:05
Speaker 3: there's much to go, they'll usually say, oh, yeah, a
15:07
Speaker 3: little bit, there's definitely summary for growth. But the last
15:10
Speaker 3: decade was seriously the most growth that I've ever had
15:12
Speaker 3: in my life. And then you ask people when they're
15:14
Speaker 3: forty what happened in the last decade, and they say,
15:16
Speaker 3: I thought my twenties was big. But the thirties holy smokes.
15:19
Speaker 3: And how much to go? Well, yeah, I reckon, there's
15:20
Speaker 3: probably a bit more to go, but this was the
15:22
Speaker 3: big decade. And then you get somebody who's fifty and
15:24
Speaker 3: they say, oh, my forties, Holy cow, I can't believe
15:26
Speaker 3: how much I progress, how much I grew. What the
15:30
Speaker 3: research shows is this pattern continues up until the time
15:32
Speaker 3: we're about eighty. We're in our eighties before we start
15:35
Speaker 3: to say, oh yeah, maybe I'm slowing down a bit now.
15:38
Speaker 3: And what that tells me is there is so much hope.
15:40
Speaker 3: There's so much opportunity for growth and development if we've
15:43
Speaker 3: got our eyes open for it, if we're looking for it,
15:45
Speaker 3: and if we can somehow find the opportunity for a
15:48
Speaker 3: little bit more creativity, a little bit more contribution, a
15:50
Speaker 3: little bit more involvement with the kids, it makes a
15:53
Speaker 3: huge difference. I'm so glad you had that conversation. Thanks
15:55
Speaker 3: for the insights.
15:56
Speaker 2: I am too. It was really good to reflect on
15:58
Speaker 2: it and to see how much I've grown over the years.
16:01
Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, you have. The Happy Families podcast is produced
16:05
Speaker 3: by Justin Ruland from Bridge Media, with Craig Bruce acting
16:07
Speaker 3: as our executive producer. For more information about making your
16:10
Speaker 3: family happier, please visit us for a whole lot of
16:13
Speaker 3: resources at happy families dot com dot au