Latest / Beautifully Complex / 330: When Behavior Pushes Your Buttons (And How to Handle It Differently), with Penny Williams

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330: When Behavior Pushes Your Buttons (And How to Handle It Differently), with Penny Williams · Beautifully Complex

• 0:01
  Speaker 1: Instead of asking why is my kid being so difficult?
• 0:05
  Speaker 1: Try asking yourself, what is my child's nervous system trying
• 0:11
  Speaker 1: to tell me what is it signaling. This doesn't mean
• 0:15
  Speaker 1: that you're excusing hurtful behavior. It means that you are
• 0:20
  Speaker 1: looking underneath it, that you know there's more to it.
• 0:28
  Speaker 1: Welcome to Beautifully Complex, where we unpack what it really
• 0:31
  Speaker 1: means to parent neurodivergent kids with dignity and clarity. I'm
• 0:36
  Speaker 1: Penny Williams, and I know firsthand how tough and transformative
• 0:40
  Speaker 1: this journey can be. Let's dive in and discover how
• 0:43
  Speaker 1: to raise regulated, resilient, beautifully complex kids together. Oh and
• 0:48
  Speaker 1: if you want more support, join our free community at
• 0:52
  Speaker 1: hub dot beautifully complex dot life. Welcome back everyone. For
• 1:01
  Speaker 1: the last few episodes, we've been diving into the fact
• 1:05
  Speaker 1: that behavior is a signal, not a problem. We've talked
• 1:11
  Speaker 1: about how stress responses are like animal instincts. We've talked
• 1:15
  Speaker 1: about what challenging behavior really means, and we've looked at
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  Speaker 1: a few tools that work better than consequences and better
• 1:24
  Speaker 1: than punishment. Today, I want to talk about something every
• 1:29
  Speaker 1: parent knows too well. The moments when your child's behavior
• 1:34
  Speaker 1: pushes every last one of your buttons. You know, those moments,
• 1:40
  Speaker 1: the yelling, the refusal, the big meltdown, the big emotions,
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  Speaker 1: and suddenly you feel yourself teetering right on the edge too.
• 1:50
  Speaker 1: I've been there so many times, y'all. Today I'm going
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  Speaker 1: to share some practical ways to handle those moments differently,
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  Speaker 1: because that way doesn't work. The new ways bring more
• 2:03
  Speaker 1: steadiness for you and more safety for your child, and
• 2:07
  Speaker 1: sometimes safety for you as well. Whether you participate in
• 2:11
  Speaker 1: the Behavior SOS Summit that we've been talking about or not,
• 2:15
  Speaker 1: this is something that you can use next time things
• 2:18
  Speaker 1: feel really intense at home. And speaking of the summit,
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  Speaker 1: Behavior SOS is happening soon October tenth through the thirteenth,
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  Speaker 1: twenty twenty five. It's totally free to watch live, and
• 2:31
  Speaker 1: I've gathered twenty five experts to share tools, insights, scripts
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  Speaker 1: that will help you better understand your child's behavior and
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  Speaker 1: help you respond in ways that will actually work for
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  Speaker 1: your neurodivergent kid. I'll tell you a little bit more
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  Speaker 1: about it later, but for now, I want to dive
• 2:50
  Speaker 1: into today's conversation. Here's the truth. Most of the time,
• 2:56
  Speaker 1: when our kids are melting down. It feels personal. It
• 3:02
  Speaker 1: feels like defiance, disrespect, maybe even rejection or hurt. But
• 3:10
  Speaker 1: here's what I've learned and what I remind myself often
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  Speaker 1: throughout my parenting behavior isn't the problem. I know it
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  Speaker 1: feels like it, but it isn't the problem. It's the
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  Speaker 1: signal when my kid yells I hate you, or refuses
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  Speaker 1: to do what I ask, It's not really about me.
• 3:35
  Speaker 1: It's about their nervous system saying I'm overwhelmed, I'm not okay,
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  Speaker 1: I need your help. Still. That doesn't mean that I
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  Speaker 1: don't feel it in my body. My chest gets tight,
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  Speaker 1: my jaw gets clenched. My own nervous system gets pulled
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  Speaker 1: into that storm too. That is the way we are wired.
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  Speaker 1: That's why we snap, yell, or shut down, not because
• 4:05
  Speaker 1: we're bad parents, but because we are human. I really
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  Speaker 1: want you to hear me on that. We don't snap
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  Speaker 1: because we are bad parents. We snap because we are human.
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  Speaker 1: So the first thing I want you to know is
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  Speaker 1: when your child's behavior pushes your buttons, your reaction is
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  Speaker 1: a nervous system response too. It's not weakness, it's not
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  Speaker 1: bad parenting. It's biology, folks. Biology. Here's a tool that
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  Speaker 1: you can try the very next time things feel heated.
• 4:43
  Speaker 1: The pause and anchor sounds really simple, right, But it's
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  Speaker 1: one of the hardest and most powerful things. We can do,
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  Speaker 1: so very hard in the moment sometimes, but I promise
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  Speaker 1: you I'm living proof of how powerful it is and
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  Speaker 1: how you can shift into this type of response. The
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  Speaker 1: pause means before you respond, before you say a thing,
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  Speaker 1: before your facial expression of your tone says a thing,
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  Speaker 1: You're just going to take a beat. Just take a
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  Speaker 1: deep belly breath. Maybe you put your hands on your
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  Speaker 1: chest inhale exhale. Maybe you even take a step back
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  Speaker 1: so that you're not so close to your child and
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  Speaker 1: in their space. Why does that work? It's so simple.
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  Speaker 1: Why does that work? Because when you pause, you're interrupting
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  Speaker 1: the automatic stress loop between you and your kid. Instead
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  Speaker 1: of two nervous systems spiraling, you create space for one
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  Speaker 1: of you to settle. And let me just tell you
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  Speaker 1: that one has to be you first. It has to
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  Speaker 1: be you first. You're the adult, You're the one with
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  Speaker 1: the practice. It is you first. I like to use
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  Speaker 1: a simple reminder for myself. Slow is safe. I just
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  Speaker 1: tell myself slow is safe. If I can slow my voice,
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  Speaker 1: if I can slow my body, if I can slow
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  Speaker 1: my reaction, then it's going to signal safety to my kid.
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  Speaker 1: Even if they're still yelling, even if there's still shut
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  Speaker 1: down and not engaging, even if nothing at all changes
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  Speaker 1: in the moment, it is still signaling safety. And here's
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  Speaker 1: the real shift, guys. The pause isn't about controlling your child.
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  Speaker 1: It's about grounding yourself. I know in those moments you
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  Speaker 1: feel like it has to be about controlling your child
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  Speaker 1: and controlling their behavior, but it is actually about grounding yourself.
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  Speaker 1: That is what's needed first. Now, well, once you've paused,
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  Speaker 1: the next step is to reframe the behavior. Instead of
• 7:07
  Speaker 1: asking why is my kid being so difficult, try asking yourself,
• 7:13
  Speaker 1: what is my child's nervous system trying to tell me
• 7:18
  Speaker 1: what is it signaling. This doesn't mean that you're excusing
• 7:23
  Speaker 1: hurtful behavior. It means that you are looking underneath it,
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  Speaker 1: that you know there's more to it. Let's look an example.
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  Speaker 1: A slammed door might be a signal of I feel powerless.
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  Speaker 1: Refusing homework might signal this is too hard and I'm ashamed.
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  Speaker 1: Talking back might really mean I don't feel seen or heard. Right, now,
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  Speaker 1: in this moment, when you make these mental reframes, you
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  Speaker 1: shift from judgment to curiosity, and that curiosity opens the
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  Speaker 1: door for connection. I can't promise you that your child
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  Speaker 1: is suddenly going to say thank you for seeing me, mom.
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  Speaker 1: Wouldn't that be nice? Right? But I can promise you'll
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  Speaker 1: feel steadier, and that steadiness changes everything. Your energy controls
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  Speaker 1: the interaction. Okay, So let's say that you've paused, you've anchored,
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  Speaker 1: you've reframed, but the moment still went off the rails.
• 8:47
  Speaker 1: Maybe you lost it and yelled, Maybe your child shut
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  Speaker 1: down completely. Here's what I want you to know. Repair
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  Speaker 1: matters more than perfect. Repair matters more than getting it
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  Speaker 1: right every single time. So you can go back later,
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  Speaker 1: you can say, hey, I wish I had handled that differently.
• 9:12
  Speaker 1: I got overwhelmed too. Can we try again? Think about
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  Speaker 1: how that feels in your body for a moment. Repair
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  Speaker 1: isn't about taking the blame for your child's behavior. It's
• 9:25
  Speaker 1: about modeling, honesty and regulation. You're showing them we can
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  Speaker 1: get upset, we can get really messy, and we can
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  Speaker 1: still come back together. We're still a team. That's the
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  Speaker 1: skill that your child is needing the most. Not perfection. Repair.
• 9:46
  Speaker 1: So let's recap when your child's behavior pushes your buttons. First,
• 9:53
  Speaker 1: pause and anchor. You want to interrupt the stress loop
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  Speaker 1: and regulate your nervous system. Second, reframe, shift from the
• 10:04
  Speaker 1: thought of bad behavior to signal what is it signaling?
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  Speaker 1: And then third repair when things go off the rails,
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  Speaker 1: when things break, when they don't go the way that
• 10:18
  Speaker 1: you wish they had come back together. These are small,
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  Speaker 1: doable steps, folks, and they add up to much bigger
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  Speaker 1: change and transformation because parenting isn't about never losing it.
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  Speaker 1: It's about building a relationship where you and your kid
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  Speaker 1: both feel safe enough to come back and to try again. Now,
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  Speaker 1: if this resonates with you, if you want more scripts
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  Speaker 1: like this, more tools like this, more, here's exactly what
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  Speaker 1: to say in that moment. That's exactly why I created
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  Speaker 1: the Behavior SOS Summit. From October tenth through the thirteenth.
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  Speaker 1: You're going to hear from therapists, educators, parents, advocates who
• 11:08
  Speaker 1: get it. They get it, people who've been in the
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  Speaker 1: trenches and found ways to create real change, real change
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  Speaker 1: without shame, without blame, and without looking for quick fixes.
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  Speaker 1: Each day of the summit, we have a theme that's
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  Speaker 1: going to help you dive deeper into transforming behavior. First,
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  Speaker 1: understanding the signal beneath the behavior. That's phase one. Phase two,
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  Speaker 1: we're going to provide tools for regulation and connection. In
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  Speaker 1: phase three we are looking at creating safe environments, and
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  Speaker 1: then phase four is learning to advocate and grow. And
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  Speaker 1: because I know these events can feel really overwhelming, We've
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  Speaker 1: built in some grounding reminders, pacing options, and even an
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  Speaker 1: all access path that lets you take it slow in
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  Speaker 1: your own time, in the ways that work for your
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  Speaker 1: nervous system. I hope you'll grab your free ticket at
• 12:16
  Speaker 1: behavior soos dot com. Before I wrap up, I just
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  Speaker 1: want to remind you of this. You are not failing
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  Speaker 1: just because your child struggles. You are not failing because
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  Speaker 1: you sometimes lose it with your kid. You are human
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  Speaker 1: and your child is human, and both of you are learning.
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  Speaker 1: One of the quotes the anchors that I used to
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  Speaker 1: lean into constantly when my kid was younger and things
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  Speaker 1: were more challenging, was when you know better, you do better.
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  Speaker 1: When you know better, you do better. Give yourself grace,
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  Speaker 1: be kind to yourself because you are doing the best
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  Speaker 1: you know how to do right now, and you are
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  Speaker 1: here listening and learning to do better. That's all anyone
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  Speaker 1: can ask. So next time the behavior feels impossible, try
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  Speaker 1: the pause and anchor, try the reframe and trust that
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  Speaker 1: repair is enough. And if you want more support, come
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  Speaker 1: join us at the summit. I would love to see
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  Speaker 1: you there. I would love to connect with you in
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  Speaker 1: that sort of community environment. Until next time, I will
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  Speaker 1: see you again soon. Take good care. I see you.
• 13:46
  Speaker 1: You're doing hard and meaningful work and you don't have
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  Speaker 1: to do it alone. If you found this episode helpful,
• 13:53
  Speaker 1: share it with someone who needs it and leave a
• 13:55
  Speaker 1: quick review so others can find this support too. When
• 13:59
  Speaker 1: you're ready for next steps, the Regulated Kids Project is
• 14:02
  Speaker 1: here with the tools, coaching, and community to help you
• 14:06
  Speaker 1: raise a more regulated, resilient child. Get more info at
• 14:11
  Speaker 1: regulated kids dot com