Latest / Do You F*cking Mind? / 378. Head Noise - Dealing with siblings who cannot accept you are gay, putting up with a persistent ex and MORE

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378. Head Noise - Dealing with siblings who cannot accept you are gay, putting up with a persistent ex and MORE · Do You F*cking Mind?

0:14
Speaker 1: Hello, beautiful people, and welcome to the podcast episode of Today.
0:17
Speaker 2: So this is a head Noise episode. This episode is.
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Speaker 1: All about your questions, So this is where you send
0:24
Speaker 1: in your questions. This is a voice note head Noise
0:27
Speaker 1: episode today. So I've got a handful of voice notes
0:30
Speaker 1: from you guys. Absolutely love receiving the voice notes. If
0:34
Speaker 1: you haven't already heard me bang on about it enough,
0:37
Speaker 1: I am obsess anyway, I just want to dive straight
0:41
Speaker 1: into it. I'm going to aim to get through three
0:45
Speaker 1: and then stay tuned for the part two of this episode,
0:48
Speaker 1: where it will be the questions that people send in
0:52
Speaker 1: via email.
0:53
Speaker 2: So let's begin with the first one.
0:56
Speaker 1: I'm not going to fuck around and give you a
0:58
Speaker 1: life update other than telling you that life is.
1:00
Speaker 2: Grand, everyone is happy, everyone is good, and I have
1:04
Speaker 2: a broken nail.
1:04
Speaker 1: So if you're watching this video, then please don't fixate
1:09
Speaker 1: on my ratchet nail.
1:11
Speaker 2: It's not vibe anywhere.
1:13
Speaker 3: Let's do this, Hey, I just wanted to start with
1:16
Speaker 3: a really quick thank you for your pod and all
1:18
Speaker 3: of the wisdom that you share. There's been so many
1:20
Speaker 3: times that I haven't been feeling my best, and then bang,
1:22
Speaker 3: a perfect episode from you. Pops up and I listen,
1:25
Speaker 3: and afterwards I just feel so refreshed and with so
1:28
Speaker 3: much more of a clear mind. So thank you, for
1:30
Speaker 3: the bottom of my heart for that. My issue currently
1:33
Speaker 3: is that I'm an anxiously attached girly and in all
1:35
Speaker 3: of my previous relationships, I've been the one to love
1:38
Speaker 3: or like more. It's always been very on again, off
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Speaker 3: again push and pull, definitely not very healthy. In the
1:44
Speaker 3: last six months or so, I've done a lot of
1:46
Speaker 3: self reflecting in a lot of time on my own,
1:48
Speaker 3: which has been very needed, and I found myself in
1:51
Speaker 3: a new romantic partnership with this beautiful boy who on
1:55
Speaker 3: paper is absolutely amazing. Everything is safe and secure and
2:00
Speaker 3: think's a big deal. It's very open I can rely
2:02
Speaker 3: upon him, which has been significantly refreshing from everything I've
2:06
Speaker 3: experienced previously. My current issue is that in the back
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Speaker 3: of my mind, I have this weird, niggling feeling of
2:13
Speaker 3: not knowing if I like him enough or if this
2:15
Speaker 3: is the right decision, And I'm un sure if that
2:18
Speaker 3: is the truth or if really this feeling is coming
2:23
Speaker 3: from a place of this not being my usual and
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Speaker 3: maybe I'm in a healthy The first healthy relationship I've
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Speaker 3: been in potentially ever and there's no push and pull
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Speaker 3: back and forth for this addictive feeling. And because of that,
2:38
Speaker 3: I'm not getting the usual dopamine rush that I'm used to,
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Speaker 3: and that's where this sort of unsurreness is coming from.
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Speaker 3: So I just wondered if he had any advice on
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Speaker 3: how to navigate that, how to tell the difference between
2:49
Speaker 3: that and yeah, any wise words of wisdom. Thank you
2:53
Speaker 3: so much again, and have a beautiful day, babe.
2:56
Speaker 1: Okay, So this is a really really great question because
2:59
Speaker 1: it is there's definitely a way to tell a difference. Okay, firstly,
3:03
Speaker 1: I'm going to start by saying, when you're talking about
3:06
Speaker 1: are you addicted to that dopamine hid and whatever? One
3:09
Speaker 1: hundred percent, it can be very addictive, even if we
3:12
Speaker 1: don't consciously admit it or that we're not aware of it.
3:16
Speaker 1: It can be quite addictive to have this push pull
3:19
Speaker 1: because when you get validated in these push pull scenarios
3:23
Speaker 1: where someone's not giving you enough and then they give
3:24
Speaker 1: you something and then it's not enough, and that it's
3:26
Speaker 1: something This very often happens in situationships as well, or
3:29
Speaker 1: just before you start dating, that the where you don't
3:33
Speaker 1: get enough from them is like, oh, it's really painful.
3:36
Speaker 1: It's anxiety provoking. And then when you get something from them,
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Speaker 1: whether it's a text, whether they're the ones to finally
3:42
Speaker 1: initiate something, whether that feels like such a high you
3:46
Speaker 1: are running on a high, it feels unbelievable. So then
3:50
Speaker 1: we mistake this high for I'm in love. I must
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Speaker 1: be in love, but we forget that that anxiety low
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Speaker 1: of not getting much from them, not much communication or
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Speaker 1: a push pull.
4:00
Speaker 2: We then dismiss that altogether.
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Speaker 1: So we're paying attention to these really high feelings, which
4:04
Speaker 1: is actually just like you mentioned, like a bit of
4:06
Speaker 1: a hit of dopamine. It's a bit of a high
4:07
Speaker 1: that we're on of relief of validation of oh my god,
4:10
Speaker 1: it's okay, Oh my god, what a relief I can
4:13
Speaker 1: rest now.
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Speaker 2: Which is actually quite short lived.
4:15
Speaker 1: We've all been there, and when you get that hit
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Speaker 1: of validation from them, it does not last long at all,
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Speaker 1: and it just takes, you know, the next time you
4:22
Speaker 1: communicate for them not to respond or whatever, for it
4:25
Speaker 1: to feel shit again. So that's one thing that we
4:28
Speaker 1: become addicted to. Then when you end up with someone secure,
4:31
Speaker 1: you're not getting these highs quote unquote because they're available,
4:36
Speaker 1: they are there for you, they are you know, you
4:39
Speaker 1: sometimes unintentionally crave someone who's unavailable because it's more quote
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Speaker 1: unquote exciting in the sense that it gives you the
4:47
Speaker 1: ups and downs, the highs and the lows the roller coaster.
4:50
Speaker 1: But what we fail to remember is that the roller
4:52
Speaker 1: coaster includes a lot of lows that don't make us
4:55
Speaker 1: feel good, that make us feel pretty shit. Actually, whether
4:58
Speaker 1: it's valid or not, we don't feel good when we're
5:00
Speaker 1: riding those lows. Okay, But when you're with someone secure,
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Speaker 1: you've got to look at other aspects of the relationship
5:06
Speaker 1: that make you actually feel in love, because those highs
5:08
Speaker 1: and lows they do wear off after a while and
5:10
Speaker 1: it's not a fucking good time. And then that's what
5:12
Speaker 1: ends up being potentially an unhealthy situation that you find
5:15
Speaker 1: yourself in in a relationship. So you got to ask yourself, Okay,
5:18
Speaker 1: putting that aside, I'm not with someone who's available. He's
5:20
Speaker 1: not playing hard to get, he's interested, he's available, he's
5:23
Speaker 1: there for me, And here I am getting annoyed that
5:26
Speaker 1: I'm not getting these highs. So what else do I
5:30
Speaker 1: love in this relationship that makes me realize I love
5:33
Speaker 1: this person, or am I realizing this is actually just
5:36
Speaker 1: the first safe person I've been with, but they're not
5:38
Speaker 1: my person? Okay, So you've got to look at other
5:40
Speaker 1: things that you know are really fulfilling in a relationship,
5:43
Speaker 1: which when you're someone who's addicted to the highs and lows,
5:46
Speaker 1: sometimes you look back at those old relationships and be like,
5:49
Speaker 1: that was the only thing I was addicted to, and
5:52
Speaker 1: when I got that hit of validation, I thought it
5:54
Speaker 1: was everything.
5:54
Speaker 2: But in reality we were a terrible match. But I
5:56
Speaker 2: was so distracted by the highs and lows, and I'm
5:58
Speaker 2: available now.
5:59
Speaker 1: I'm not an amber that I wasn't open to being like,
6:02
Speaker 1: this person is not even.
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Speaker 2: Right for me.
6:03
Speaker 1: We're not compatible at all. I don't feel comfortable or
6:07
Speaker 1: safe around this person. So let's look at actual compatibility
6:10
Speaker 1: in a relationship. Number One, You've got to ask yourself,
6:14
Speaker 1: how do I feel about myself around this person? For me,
6:19
Speaker 1: that's a huge indicator of who you should spend time with,
6:21
Speaker 1: who you should invest more time in. Should you invest
6:24
Speaker 1: more time in this relationship and seeing it's going to
6:26
Speaker 1: go any further if you feel because you could feel like, oh,
6:31
Speaker 1: they're such a healthy person, they're really kind, they're really lovely.
6:34
Speaker 2: But I'm a bit bored. I'm a bit you know.
6:37
Speaker 1: But if you feel entertained, if you feel like you
6:41
Speaker 1: could say anything and you're not second guessing what you're saying,
6:45
Speaker 1: if you feel that you can sit there in silence
6:47
Speaker 1: and feel comfortable with the other person, they're massive, massive, massive,
6:51
Speaker 1: massive green flags. If you are thinking about this person
6:55
Speaker 1: when that person isn't there. And I'm not talking about
6:57
Speaker 1: incessantly because I don't think about my partner all the time.
7:00
Speaker 1: I've got a lot of things on my plate. I've
7:01
Speaker 1: got a very fulfilled, entertaining life that I'm not like,
7:03
Speaker 1: oh my god, it's the only thing of moment. But
7:05
Speaker 1: I think about him, and I think about things that
7:07
Speaker 1: we've done together, and I think about nice things. So
7:10
Speaker 1: are you thinking about this person when he's not there?
7:13
Speaker 1: When something good happens to you? Are you looking forward
7:16
Speaker 1: to sharing that good thing with this person? Is he
7:21
Speaker 1: one of the first people that comes into your mind
7:24
Speaker 1: when something good happens? Okay, when you feel like stressed
7:28
Speaker 1: and you've had a hard day, are you like looking
7:31
Speaker 1: forward to getting home because that person is your safe
7:33
Speaker 1: space and you can offload being like, oh my god,
7:36
Speaker 1: I'm so happy that like you might say space, just
7:38
Speaker 1: oh I've had the worst day, and they're like, tell
7:40
Speaker 1: me about it, lean on me, tell me about it.
7:42
Speaker 2: You know.
7:42
Speaker 1: So all these little things start to make you realize,
7:46
Speaker 1: do I actually love this person? Am I feeling these
7:50
Speaker 1: things or not? So if you're unsure but things are
7:53
Speaker 1: going really well, I would allow myself to lean into
7:56
Speaker 1: a bit further. I don't encourage anyone to waste someone
7:58
Speaker 1: else's time, but if you're like, well, I'm this is
8:01
Speaker 1: the first time I'm experiencing something healthy, maybe I should
8:04
Speaker 1: just give it a little bit more time and really
8:06
Speaker 1: throw myself all in and really lean into what it
8:09
Speaker 1: feels like to be in a healthy relationship and really
8:12
Speaker 1: bask in this because for a lot of people, it's
8:15
Speaker 1: just the shaking off the oh wait, butterflies doesn't mean
8:18
Speaker 1: I love someone. This anxiety doesn't mean I love someone.
8:22
Speaker 1: The rollercoaster does not mean love. They're all signs off
8:26
Speaker 1: like you're getting this hit of excitement and then this
8:28
Speaker 1: low and thishit. But that doesn't mean love. Okay, So
8:31
Speaker 1: putting all of that aside, are you still getting all
8:33
Speaker 1: these pleasant things? And if the answer is no to
8:36
Speaker 1: those things, then maybe this person's just a friend who's
8:40
Speaker 1: a very healthy attachment friend, and maybe they're not someone
8:44
Speaker 1: that you actually love. Okay, So in that way, So
8:47
Speaker 1: have a think about those particular things. Are they on
8:49
Speaker 1: your mind in that way? And do you want to
8:51
Speaker 1: share things with them? And do they make you feel
8:53
Speaker 1: like they're your safe space?
8:55
Speaker 2: Okay? Hopefully that helped. Thank you for sending in your
8:59
Speaker 2: voice message. Next one.
9:01
Speaker 4: So, I broke up with my ex about six months ago.
9:04
Speaker 4: It was a really miserable relationship and after breaking up
9:07
Speaker 4: with him, I instantly felt better. I set really clear
9:11
Speaker 4: communication boundaries and didn't want any contact from the get go.
9:17
Speaker 4: That's your advice, by the way, Thank you so much.
9:20
Speaker 4: And since then I've been doing really well, but he
9:23
Speaker 4: has breached those boundaries several times in an attempt to
9:27
Speaker 4: try and see me and try to get back with me.
9:30
Speaker 4: I've been really firm because it's not a romantic relationship
9:34
Speaker 4: I want to pursue. The problem is, however, we have
9:38
Speaker 4: many mutual friends and in the next few months had
9:41
Speaker 4: several events coming up where we're both invited. He's also
9:45
Speaker 4: strangely invited me to his birthday event, which is odd.
9:50
Speaker 4: I do want to go to these events because my
9:52
Speaker 4: friends will be there, but thought of him being there
9:55
Speaker 4: makes me want to throw my head through a little
9:58
Speaker 4: fucking wholl.
10:01
Speaker 3: And.
10:01
Speaker 4: I feel also if I don't go, eventually I'll be
10:04
Speaker 4: excluded from these events and lose connections. So please, if
10:09
Speaker 4: you have any tips on being around your ex and
10:12
Speaker 4: eventually trying to be friends with them again, I would
10:15
Speaker 4: love to hear from you. Thank you so much for
10:18
Speaker 4: all your advice and podcasts. They have helped me immensely
10:22
Speaker 4: in my healing journey. So God bless you.
10:26
Speaker 2: Thank you so much.
10:27
Speaker 1: Okay, Okay, look, there's a lot of good things going
10:31
Speaker 1: on here.
10:32
Speaker 2: A huge thing.
10:35
Speaker 1: That I think is great for you in this scenario
10:37
Speaker 1: is that you are very happy with the breakup, so
10:39
Speaker 1: you're not on the receiving and being like, oh my god,
10:41
Speaker 1: I can't get over them because I'm around them all
10:43
Speaker 1: the time. You've made the right decision, you're happy with
10:45
Speaker 1: your decision. You are not like missing it craving, So
10:48
Speaker 1: this is amazing. You've already had a massive advantage to
10:51
Speaker 1: a lot of other people that would be in that
10:52
Speaker 1: breakup situation, but be around them as friends. So I
10:56
Speaker 1: guess the primary issue here is how do you navigate
11:00
Speaker 1: the relationship with him when he still wants to have
11:02
Speaker 1: the relationship back and you absolutely do not. Okay, when
11:06
Speaker 1: it comes to going to events, I agree with you.
11:09
Speaker 1: I would still go to these events because I don't
11:11
Speaker 1: need to make my social life suffer, because you know.
11:14
Speaker 2: I've ended this relationship.
11:16
Speaker 1: So one thing that I personally wouldn't do is I
11:19
Speaker 1: wouldn't go to his birthday, not because I don't think
11:22
Speaker 1: it's appropriate that you go to your ex's birthday, but
11:24
Speaker 1: because he still wants to be with you. He's going
11:27
Speaker 1: to look at that as a some sort of a
11:28
Speaker 1: sign you read into everything. If I invited my ex
11:31
Speaker 1: to my birthday and I was desperately still in love
11:32
Speaker 1: with him, and he came, no matter what he said,
11:36
Speaker 1: actions always spect louder than words, I'm going to interpret
11:38
Speaker 1: that as you could be anywhere tonight, but you chose
11:40
Speaker 1: to be here.
11:40
Speaker 2: So personally, when it comes to.
11:42
Speaker 1: That kind of stuff where it's personally his invitation, if
11:44
Speaker 1: you're trying to set a boundary, I wouldn't go, but
11:47
Speaker 1: I would go to all the other things with all
11:49
Speaker 1: the other friends. Okay, So to me, that's already sending
11:52
Speaker 1: like a pretty clear message. And had he dealt with
11:55
Speaker 1: it differently, had he been like, yep, I understand you
11:58
Speaker 1: don't want to buy off this.
11:59
Speaker 2: I'm not going to try and get back to get
12:00
Speaker 2: with you. It's fine.
12:01
Speaker 1: That might play out differently, but at the moment, if
12:04
Speaker 1: he's still trying to get back with you, it's that he,
12:06
Speaker 1: for whatever reason, has not accepted your message is clear,
12:09
Speaker 1: which is very frustrating. Another thing to ask yourself is
12:13
Speaker 1: how clear have I been with this breakup? It sounds
12:15
Speaker 1: like you were very clear, But just do a bit
12:18
Speaker 1: of a check and say, was there anything that I
12:21
Speaker 1: said that was like maybe in the future, maybe because
12:23
Speaker 1: sometimes we do this throwaway lines, if there was one
12:26
Speaker 1: of those lines, maybe it does need one more conversation
12:29
Speaker 1: with him to be like, hey, just to clarify, I
12:31
Speaker 1: never want to lead you on. I just want to
12:32
Speaker 1: make sure that we're both on our pards in our
12:34
Speaker 1: journeys and we do have mutual friends.
12:36
Speaker 2: We are going to see each other all the time.
12:38
Speaker 1: But I just want you to know that I never
12:39
Speaker 1: want to be someone who's going to lead you on.
12:42
Speaker 1: It's a straight up, It's never going to happen again.
12:44
Speaker 1: And I just want to be really respectful because that
12:46
Speaker 1: would just be rude if you ever thought that I
12:48
Speaker 1: was holding something over your head and nothing to ever
12:52
Speaker 1: eventuate from that. So just double check in your head.
12:54
Speaker 1: How was I fucking clear with this? And it sounds
12:57
Speaker 1: like you were. I just feel like, unfortunately for you,
13:02
Speaker 1: it's going to be a waiting game.
13:04
Speaker 2: As long as you are.
13:05
Speaker 1: All you can do is be clear, which it looks
13:08
Speaker 1: like you have been, and be consistent. And consistency takes time.
13:12
Speaker 1: You can't be consistent after a week. It's something that
13:14
Speaker 1: you see over time and time and time. If you
13:17
Speaker 1: flip the rolls and you were the person who was
13:19
Speaker 1: missing this person at the start, you'll have all this
13:22
Speaker 1: hope maybe if they see me in this like maybe
13:23
Speaker 1: this maybe maybe maybe. But eventually you're going to start
13:26
Speaker 1: to realize at no point have they changed their mind.
13:29
Speaker 1: At no point are they turning around and saying, oh maybe,
13:31
Speaker 1: At no point are they drunkenly texting me or hooking
13:34
Speaker 1: up or whatever. If there is no hope that they're
13:36
Speaker 1: giving me, I will get the message. Relatively quickly. So
13:40
Speaker 1: you've got to be very clean with your actions around
13:44
Speaker 1: your ex. No flirting messages, nothing that could be interpreted,
13:48
Speaker 1: which I get the.
13:49
Speaker 2: Vibe that that's exactly what you're doing.
13:50
Speaker 1: I have no information to believe you're not doing that,
13:54
Speaker 1: but I'm just saying, just be so clear with the
13:56
Speaker 1: messages that you're sending him, and this would just be
13:59
Speaker 1: a time thing. He will get bored and move on
14:02
Speaker 1: to somebody else, because that only lasts so long, and
14:05
Speaker 1: people only entertain it for so long, and especially if
14:08
Speaker 1: they're getting something back. If he's getting nothing from you
14:10
Speaker 1: in a flirty, loving way, he will stop. Okay, And
14:15
Speaker 1: you are also allowed to put in more boundaries in place,
14:18
Speaker 1: like you are allowed to say, I've been extremely clear
14:21
Speaker 1: with you, I've been extremely respectful with you. If you
14:23
Speaker 1: continue to try and get back with me, I take
14:26
Speaker 1: that as disrespect. You're not respecting what I said. I
14:29
Speaker 1: don't want to be rude, but you're literally leaving me
14:31
Speaker 1: no choice. I'm not quite sure what else you want
14:33
Speaker 1: from me. Okay, So you are allowed to then hit
14:36
Speaker 1: him up again if he's crossing a boundary, but I
14:39
Speaker 1: think that if he's being.
14:40
Speaker 2: Overall respectful and just hopeful.
14:42
Speaker 1: Then that's just a time thing. But I would definitely
14:45
Speaker 1: keep going to the friend events. It doesn't hurt you
14:48
Speaker 1: to be going there, so you shouldn't have to suffer
14:50
Speaker 1: and not be with your friends and not be as
14:52
Speaker 1: part of that group that should like fade out with time.
14:56
Speaker 1: But it's fucking annoying and it's frustrating, and I know
14:58
Speaker 1: you don't want to be around him the paid like
15:00
Speaker 1: the other side of that is not seeing your friends
15:03
Speaker 1: at all.
15:04
Speaker 2: So for me, that wouldn't be worth it.
15:06
Speaker 1: But you've just got to weigh up the cost of
15:09
Speaker 1: each thing and what you're willing to have and not have.
15:12
Speaker 1: Thank you so much for sending a voice message.
15:20
Speaker 2: All right, one more, Hi, Alexis.
15:23
Speaker 5: I wanted to start by saying thank you for everything.
15:25
Speaker 5: You've definitely changed my life for the better and I
15:27
Speaker 5: give myself far less shit now, So dunker to you.
15:32
Speaker 5: I'm a thirty five year old woman and last year,
15:34
Speaker 5: after a lifetime of dating boys and men, I got
15:38
Speaker 5: my first girlfriend and it's the best relationship you ever
15:41
Speaker 5: I love you so much. It was accepted and celebrated
15:44
Speaker 5: by everyone in my life, except for my sister, who
15:48
Speaker 5: was hesitant to tell her kids, who I was really
15:51
Speaker 5: close to until this point, and she said she hesitated
15:54
Speaker 5: in order to protect their innocence her words, and after
15:58
Speaker 5: coming around or so, I thought, she's recently recommitted to
16:01
Speaker 5: saying she's cautious what she exposes her children to. In
16:04
Speaker 5: reference to us, one of her kids, who's only seven,
16:08
Speaker 5: had said a few hurtful things along the lines of, ooh,
16:11
Speaker 5: do you guys kiss, don't marry her, it's bad to
16:14
Speaker 5: be gay, etc. I know that kids do talk shit,
16:17
Speaker 5: but I can't help but think this is a learned attitude.
16:20
Speaker 5: I hit her up about it, and she apologized and
16:22
Speaker 5: said she was teaching them to be kind regardless of
16:24
Speaker 5: different beliefs. My question is this, how can I go
16:28
Speaker 5: about trying to maintain a relationship with the kids if
16:31
Speaker 5: my sister's trying to protect their innocence. I've been listening
16:36
Speaker 5: to your You Don't Have to be the Bigger person episode,
16:38
Speaker 5: which helps my mindset, but any concrete advice would be
16:41
Speaker 5: so helpful. I'd love to keep the kids in my life,
16:43
Speaker 5: but I just don't know how to do it while
16:45
Speaker 5: I'm being gay. Anyway, Love your work so much. Thank you.
16:49
Speaker 2: Bye.
16:51
Speaker 1: Oh my god, this is so fucking frustrating because your
16:53
Speaker 1: sister is clearly a homophobe.
16:55
Speaker 2: That's what's going down.
16:56
Speaker 1: She's a fucking homophobe, and we make But anyway, this
17:03
Speaker 1: is I find this so infuriating, this concept of protecting
17:06
Speaker 1: someone's innocence but then proceeding to expose your children to
17:12
Speaker 1: being hateful, to being homophobic.
17:14
Speaker 2: Children don't talk shit for the sake of talking shit.
17:17
Speaker 2: It is absorbed.
17:18
Speaker 1: It is learnt exactly like you said, they have absorbed
17:21
Speaker 1: that from your sister. Okay, because parents, especially when it
17:26
Speaker 1: comes to these deep seated beliefs, children aren't just picking
17:29
Speaker 1: it up out of fucking nowhere or even at school,
17:32
Speaker 1: but that's something that would then get challenged again at home.
17:34
Speaker 1: So these beliefs have been supported or at least reinforced
17:38
Speaker 1: by your sister. Okay, because any other household where you
17:44
Speaker 1: are openly loving to every kind of person, you teach
17:48
Speaker 1: them about being gay, being trans being by being, you
17:52
Speaker 1: teach them all that you can love anyone whatever. Those
17:55
Speaker 1: kids are growing up with an open mind. They're not like, oh,
17:57
Speaker 1: oh my god, this that you know. They've learned that.
17:59
Speaker 2: Their children, and they're regurgitating what they've been exposed to.
18:02
Speaker 1: So this is just a facade being like I don't
18:04
Speaker 1: want to expose my kids and want to maintain their innocence,
18:07
Speaker 1: So I'd like you to ask, well, I mean, you
18:09
Speaker 1: don't have to ask her.
18:09
Speaker 2: This is me just shit staring.
18:11
Speaker 1: But it's like, does that mean that you're not going
18:12
Speaker 1: to expose them to anybody kissing, anybody embracing?
18:17
Speaker 2: Because if you've got a problem with.
18:18
Speaker 1: You know, a man and a man and a woman
18:20
Speaker 1: and a woman kissing, then what about that is damaging
18:25
Speaker 1: their innocence versus a man and a woman kissing, Like,
18:28
Speaker 1: where's the innocence being lost? Is it in the kiss
18:31
Speaker 1: or is it the fact that it's two people with
18:33
Speaker 1: the same gender, Because how is that damaging to your innocence? Right,
18:38
Speaker 1: You've been exposed to a couple being intimate with each other,
18:43
Speaker 1: straight or gay? What's the fucking what's the problem? Okay,
18:47
Speaker 1: so obviously this is all stem from your sister. I'm sorry,
18:50
Speaker 1: but that's like whatever, So let's talk about what you
18:53
Speaker 1: would do.
18:54
Speaker 2: I'm going to tell you what I would do.
18:56
Speaker 1: One thing that I really, really, really really encourage is
19:00
Speaker 1: that you never hide who you are, because that would
19:04
Speaker 1: be reinforcing that it's something wrong and it's not fucking wrong.
19:07
Speaker 1: So never hide who you are, talk about it completely normally,
19:11
Speaker 1: and whenever possible, maintain that relationship with the children.
19:14
Speaker 2: You're not rubbing it in their face. But you're not
19:16
Speaker 2: going to.
19:17
Speaker 1: Hide anything, okay, just like I don't rub my relationship
19:20
Speaker 1: in other people's children's face, like I'm engaged, just so
19:23
Speaker 1: you know, Like it's just you bring it up when
19:26
Speaker 1: it's relevant to bring up.
19:27
Speaker 2: You can say they say, oh my god, do you kiss? Yeah?
19:29
Speaker 2: Of course, she's my fiance or she's my partner. Are
19:33
Speaker 2: you gonna get married? Maybe I love her, there's a
19:36
Speaker 2: big chance I'm going to marry her. And if they
19:37
Speaker 2: go like ooh, then you can ask them, so.
19:40
Speaker 1: Why do you say oh, Like we're not Especially with children,
19:43
Speaker 1: I think when children just repeat something that an adult
19:46
Speaker 1: has said, the best thing.
19:47
Speaker 2: You can do.
19:48
Speaker 1: You don't want to reprimand or make them feel guilty
19:50
Speaker 1: or whatever is. You want to be curious because the
19:52
Speaker 1: moment children start to question, they are lots smarter than
19:56
Speaker 1: we give them credit for children, when not given the
19:59
Speaker 1: opportunity to question something, we'll just believe something that they're told,
20:03
Speaker 1: especially at a very young age. But the moment you
20:05
Speaker 1: open it up to be like, why is it wrong?
20:07
Speaker 2: What's the difference? And then they'll start to be like, oh, I.
20:10
Speaker 1: Guess it's not that bad, you know, Like they'll start
20:12
Speaker 1: to work it out for themselves. So instead of saying
20:14
Speaker 1: it's not wrong, it's this, it's that we're not there
20:16
Speaker 1: to argue. You're there to be like, this is who
20:18
Speaker 1: I am, and we're really great people, so what's the problem.
20:22
Speaker 2: And children are not They're not fucked in the.
20:25
Speaker 1: Head, okay, they they can learn, they can see, they
20:28
Speaker 1: can have an open mind.
20:30
Speaker 2: So personally, that's what I would do.
20:32
Speaker 1: But I wouldn't be like not bringing up my partner,
20:35
Speaker 1: pretending that I'm not gay around these kids, just so
20:37
Speaker 1: I can spend time with these kids. Because at the
20:39
Speaker 1: end of the day, if your sister wants you to
20:42
Speaker 1: spend less time with her children, unfortunately there is nothing
20:46
Speaker 1: you can do about that because they are her children.
20:48
Speaker 2: Okay.
20:49
Speaker 1: So but at the same time, I don't think you
20:52
Speaker 1: should ever, ever, ever, ever be hiding who you are,
20:56
Speaker 1: especially when it's for no good reason, for no gitimate reason,
21:00
Speaker 1: because it is who you are to like, please your
21:04
Speaker 1: sister when the reason that she's being this way is
21:06
Speaker 1: because she's homophobic.
21:08
Speaker 2: Okay, So that would be my advice to you.
21:11
Speaker 1: I would just be absolutely proud of who I am.
21:13
Speaker 1: If it's relevant in conversation, I would be talking about it.
21:15
Speaker 1: I would try and open up the conversation if they've
21:18
Speaker 1: brought it up, like if they say ooh this, ooh, that.
21:21
Speaker 2: Turn it into a conversation.
21:22
Speaker 1: Be really calm, be really understanding that they're just regurgitating something,
21:26
Speaker 1: and see how that conversation goes.
21:28
Speaker 2: And if your sister has.
21:29
Speaker 1: A problem with that, then I would just point blank
21:32
Speaker 1: ask her like, where did this homophobia stem from? And
21:35
Speaker 1: if she denies being homophobic, then just say so. I
21:38
Speaker 1: presume that you're not letting your children out of the
21:41
Speaker 1: house if you want to protect their innocence, you're keeping
21:44
Speaker 1: them in the house. You're keeping them in a compound
21:46
Speaker 1: right where they can't say fucking anything, exposed to anything,
21:49
Speaker 1: because you don't want them to see anybody holding hands,
21:51
Speaker 1: anybody kissing, anybody having any romantic interaction. Because if you
21:55
Speaker 1: say I'm not homophobic and then proceed to protect their
21:57
Speaker 1: innocence by not exposing them to gay people, that she's.
22:00
Speaker 2: A fucking homophobe. Okay, fucking homophobic. It is what it is.
22:04
Speaker 1: Um Ah like grinds my years so much. And I
22:08
Speaker 1: know this exact situation. I've got a couple of people
22:12
Speaker 1: that are very close to me that have gone through
22:13
Speaker 1: something very similar and it's just.
22:17
Speaker 2: Sad. It's really sad. That's the only way to describe it.
22:20
Speaker 1: But I'm fucking thrilled that you have found the healthiest
22:24
Speaker 1: relationship you've ever been in and someone that you love.
22:26
Speaker 1: Love that so much, and you know what, just keep
22:29
Speaker 1: doing what you're doing and the kids, eventually, as they
22:31
Speaker 1: get older, will hopefully come around and see it for themselves.
22:36
Speaker 2: Cool beans, guys.
22:37
Speaker 1: That is all for today's episode. Make sure to check
22:40
Speaker 1: out episode. The second part of this episode will be
22:43
Speaker 1: the email questions coming through. Love you guys so much,
22:46
Speaker 1: thanks for tuning in, and always remember, be kind to yourself,
22:49
Speaker 1: be kind to your brain. Don't text it from anyone,
22:51
Speaker 1: and especially don't text it from yourself.
22:54
Speaker 2: Don't