Latest / Living Uncertain an OCD Podcast / True Confessions of OCD (OCD)(Episode 19)

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True Confessions of OCD (OCD)(Episode 19) · Living Uncertain an OCD Podcast

• Opening: Hello, and welcome to the podcast, Living Uncertain. This podcast is dedicated to obsessive compulsive disorder, OCD, and the primary treatment, exposure response prevention, ERP. OCD comes in many forms, such as contamination, perfectionism, checking, harm, superstitious, religious or moral, sexual orientation, and or relationship. ERP is the gold standard to treating OCD. and it focuses on deliberately confronting fears, the exposure, while refraining from compulsive rituals, the response prevention. With repeated exposures and without engaging in compulsions, we learn to tolerate anxiety and break the cycle of intrusive thoughts. We are a married couple that have faced both the challenges of OCD and the incredible healing that ERP can provide to your marriage, family, and your home. As a person who lives with OCD, I am much more than this diagnosis. We all can be. Marc and Stacee: Hi y'all, I'm Stacey. And along with my husband Mark, we want to thank you for living uncertain with us again today. As everyone knows by now, this is the podcast that talks all things OCD and ERP related. And welcome everyone to episode 19. We are just so thrilled to be doing this podcast to share our story and to share our journey. And we're so humbled and grateful by those of you out there who are listening and just excited to. be a part of this OCD community, especially the perspective of a of a married couple, one of us who has the diagnosis, the other who doesn't. But together we've navigated ERP, we've navigated intensive therapy together and what an impact that has had on our life. And and to be able to share that with others and and to help build this community is just so very important to us. So thank you all for tuning in again today and and listening. And and I just want to add in there, As you're listening to episodes, if it's an episode that you like, please, you know, like it or whatever you have to do to indicate that we actually that's an episode that you like so that we can maybe add on to those type of episodes. So thank you for listening, everybody. Absolutely. And you know what we try to do in each and every episode, if you've listened to before, is we try to combine the psychoeducational piece of what is obsessive-compulsive disorder and what is exposure response prevention therapy. with what we are living on a day-to-day basis, with myself having been diagnosed with obsessive compulsive disorder and my husband who has been instrumental in helping me to overcome a lot of that in the last eighteen to twenty-four months now. It's been quite a journey. and we try to keep this as real and as raw and as authentic as we absolutely can. And we've always talked about the fact that this is happening in real life. I I'm Feeling better. I am doing better. Our family is doing better. But I still have OCD and I always will. And things come up day to day, week to week. And it really helps me to be able to share that journey with you all when something comes up so that you know out there for those of you who have OCD or struggle with that, that you're not alone and that there is hope, there is help, and that there are those of us. that can do this together. And Well, in today's episode, I mean, just before we actually sat down to actually record, you know, I was doing projects around the house and Stacy was scrolling through social media, which is awful. Which is so fun sometimes, but sometimes not a great idea. Especially if you have O C D and you know, as as many of you have heard in the past that we used to own a clinic. And Stacy's O C D was a big part of the reason why we had to step away from from the clinic and and close the doors. Yeah. but with having a company comes employees. And, you know, Stacey just, you know, just before we got on, she was about ready to go into tears because of seeing what other people are still continuously being able to do, which was move on with her life like nothing ever happened with them. Which, as we know with social media, that's a a highlight reel, and that's not necessarily the truth. And I don't know anything about what has happened. to any of my former employees or any of what their lives must look like at this point. and so I am not trying to pass any judgment there. It's just I know from my own perspective what Mark and I have gone through now. personally with our journey after having stepped away and closed the business. And it's been difficult and it's been challenging and it's It's still ongoing to be perfectly blunt with you. And and I'm having to to fight my my previous OCD tendencies too, so that I don't slip backwards into old patterns. And the original concept for today's episode was going to be I was gonna really discuss ruminations and mental compulsions because I have a lot of that. It's actually one of the reasons why I was able to keep my OCD hidden for so long. Because as a teen, it really came, it started to come out as it was just very much mental compulsions. And then it started developing into this feeling of just right and this need to constantly seek reassurance and check in and all of these other pieces and parcels that have come along with what I now know is the diagnosis of OCD. anyone who owns a business, kudos to you. It is not for the faint of heart. And there are so many challenges of being a business owner and of course managing employees at the top of that list. And I found it incredibly challenging with my need for ruminations and mental compulsions and and actually kind of goes hand in hand today with with the discussion about that to talk about how that affected me as a business owner. And The past two episodes we've talked about how O C D is a thief and a liar. And this is where I really see it being that thief. Yeah. It it stole your ability to be able to run the company successfully. Yeah. And and for us to be able to do it as a partnership. Right. Absolutely. And and so I think it's It's an interesting time to talk about what molt what mental compulsions look like and what ruminations look like and how significant they can be and how they can really have a huge negative impact on your life and how it is one of those pieces of of OCD that doesn't necessarily always fit the classic presentation of having to, you know, contamination OCD kind of situation, which you can see it, you you know it. But when you have mental compulsions, you can often hide it. And that's a lot of what I had done for so many years. And and that is definitely what I did for three years while I was trying to manage employees and move a business forward. And nav navigate through challenges and yeah. And you know. And so I think the best place to start is I've I've been very open about this before, which is that I have just right tendencies. And if I don't leave an interaction with someone feeling just right, I have to go back to that person and check in with them and maybe say something or or develop a conversation with them that has nothing to do with the previous conversation, just so I can kind of make sure I leave it just right. Like their tone is right, my tone is right. We're leaving it on a good, on a good path, a good way. And then I can finally relax. If I don't feel like I've left a conversation in a just right place, I tend to go into my mental compulsion mode, which I've been doing it for so long, it comes so naturally, it just happens. And I would spend hours in my office now reflecting on this. It's it's very hard to say it out loud, but it is what happened. I would spend hours in my office replaying. every word of every conversation that I had with every employee I had, and there was 20 of them at one point. And I was constantly feeding into my people pleasing because that was my way of feeling like I could leave an interaction feeling just right and not having to sit in the discomfort of what that would mean otherwise. Because if I was sitting in discomfort, I would have to do the mental compulsions Which meant first I would have to replay the conversation. Then I may have to replay it a second time in my head. Then potentially a third time. And then I would go through a ritual of telling myself sometimes out loud, which is also not this this is where it gets real and raw in every sense of the words, because it's not my finest hour for sure. I would have to sometimes say it out loud, a very ritualized I'm okay. It's okay. It'll be fine. She's not upset. She's gonna be okay. And if she's upset, then maybe that's okay. You know, and I would try to justify it and talk myself out of it. And you wouldn't go through potentially that, you know, she's okay, that type of thing. Now you do. I think because of your ERP. Although I would try to well, but that was part of the mental compulsions is I would try to convince myself that she was okay and I was okay. And what am I doing? But I could never get there. I would say it again. No, she's okay. She's okay. She's okay. Like it's constant. It's a loop. And that it doesn't let go. I mean, and you just did it the other day. Well, that's part of why, yeah, I did. I was I was telling Mark this story of the other day where I was down by the pool with our daughter Avery, and it was another gal down by the pool. And Very hot day and and Avery and I are having a little conversation. I'm still I'm not in my swimsuit. I'm just kind of standing in the pool with her and and the gal, when we get out to go lay out, she says to me in a very fun, cute way, she says, Man, it's so hot out there. I was really I was thinking you were going into that pool clothes and all. And and she and I had a little exchange, very lovely, nice exchange. And I walk to my pool seat to lay down and Out of nowhere, and I didn't even think about it. I had already, within the first three minutes of laying down, had replayed that conversation in my head no more than three times. And I caught myself at the tail end of the third time when I'm hearing her voice in my head again. This woman I don't even know, won't ever really see her again. And I'm hearing her voice in my head as she's saying the exact thing she just said to me 10 seconds prior. And I thought to myself, whoa, I'm doing it. I'm ruminating. I'm I'm having these mental compulsions because I was I felt myself checking to make sure that all of that conversation had gone okay. Because if it hadn't, I was gonna have to go back over there and say something else to her, which would have been super awkward. Who the hell wants to do that? And so I caught myself and I said, This is what I'm doing. This is what it is. It's my brain goes on automatic with the rumination, with the mental compulsions, with all of that. It's so automatic for me that I have to be very mindful of not allowing my brain to go there. And that's one of the ones that I'm having to keep myself accountable for because Mark doesn't always see that. I had to be honest with him and tell him the story. My therapist wouldn't see those. I have to be very honest in telling her the story or stories of. Myself doing this. So and I realized relating that back to the business, that that's what I was doing in my office instead of actually running a business. So for the people that don't have OCD, this is one of the easiest ways I've kind of thought about how to explain those ruminations and how quickly they can come up. And most people say, Well, why don't you just stop them? You know, just stop them. That's brilliant. It's easier said than done. So, so for the people that don't have OCD, take your phone. You have a bunch of apps on your phone. It's called muscle memory. You know what page they're on. You know where they're at on your screen. You know where they are located. And you can go to it and click on it right away. Now have somebody come and mix all your apps up. And then try to find it. It's very easy to do that muscle memory and to not catch yourself. She's having to try to catch herself by mixing up those apps. It's a muscle memory thing that she's having to stop. My husband is literally the king of analogies, y'all. If you haven't thought about that by now s in previous episodes, like he loves a good analogy, but I have to say, kudos. That's a good that's a particularly good one. I like that one. You know, because I'm just sitting here looking at my phone, like I know where all my apps are. You know, I want to know where the weather is at, I know exactly what folders it in. I want to go to a game, I know exactly what folders it in. You know, for sailing apps, I know exactly what folder they're in. But if you move them, I actually have to think about it then. Right. And work hard to try to find it. And that's what it is to try to minimize the the mental compulsions and the ruminations. Cause they come so fast. It was, it was I didn't even consciously tell myself. Let me replay that conversation with the woman down by the pool. I didn't even do that. It wasn't until I it just happened. I closed my eyes, laying out in the sun, and all of sudden, I'm just doing it. And I get to the end of the third time and I realize, my gosh, what am I doing? And that was just a couple of days ago. That again, absolutely. But this time, because of the ERP, because of the journey we've been on, I caught it and I thought, no, that's OCD. Whereas before in my life, I just thought that's what everyone was doing. I knew somehow on some level, no, this is weird. But I didn't know any different. I'd been doing it for so long. It was just like muscle memory. That's a great way to describe it. And I know the struggle for those of you out there who's who also have OCD and also have mental compulsions that are hidden away that people don't see. And that's one of the hardest things. Those are sneaky ones. they're the sneakiest. And those are the ones you have to be accountable for yourself. Because no one else is going to do that unless you're willing to be accountable for it and to tell someone else that that's happened too. And you don't have to necessarily do that either, just being accountable to yourself. But there is a way to you know, to Mark's analogy, there is a way to mix it up so that you are retraining your brain not to go into that place. And that's one of the things that I've been doing and and it's working. And I don't do mental compulsions or ruminations near as much as I used to. But there is every so often I will catch myself. Yep. And I and again Having walked away from the business, having lost the business, closing the doors the way that we did. and then when you when you are on social media and you see others or pe even people that you used to know, I will say I I had a career for twenty five years. I have I have a master's degree in that career. I have I owned a a business that was very dear to that career. And I feel like I lost everything. You lost your identity. I lost everything. my whole career that I had loved for twenty five years. I don't feel like I can do it anymore. And part of it is I I don't feel like I'm allowed to. And if that's something that's weird to say out loud too, but Well you think yeah, I think because of you having to walk away from the business and how you had to walk away. Yeah. that you probably feel like you know, the employees weren't happy. They they were they were very they were mad. Yeah. angry. Yeah. That that about what happened and and and how it happened. And well, and the reason why I say that is because you you know, you feel like your name is tarnished. Yeah. I absolutely feel like my name is tarnished out there. I absolutely feel like I'm not allowed to go back to the therapy side of what I was so trained to do, excited to do, love to do. I I don't feel like I can't I don't feel like I can even go back. they were upset. Our employees, they were angry. I'm definitely not their favorite person in the world anymore. I'm sure I'm sure there were some some clients that were also upset just because of the the business that we were in is very difficult to find sure. Services. Yep. And And from their perspective, I can understand that that they would feel that way. And and their side of that is is what it is and and they have their perspective. certainly Mark and I have a very different perspective on the way that things ended and the reasons why I had to walk away and and how that all kind of went down. And I finally have decided that my voice and my How do I say this? My version of the way things went down is also valid and also worth something. And that's not to take away their version of it by any means, but I certainly have my own version, which means that as a business owner who has to walk away and l loses a business and then discovers what I did to. make things even more challenging than business ownership even already is because of my O C D. it's it's hard. And yeah, I feel like I've I've been struggling since we walked away to rediscover my identity. I've been trying to get excited about some other avenues of of life and a new chapter and and while I am incredibly grateful for that and I'm so excited, it's still challenging to feel like you've lost your identity of something that has been a big part of your life for so long. And a lot of that's because O C D stole that. Yeah. Yeah. That that's the thief part of it. It it stole that Of you. I think if y if you didn't buy the business and you continued to stay there, you would have continued to operate in the same fashion that you always had, which was work out of your room, not be a part of the the Yes and and the therapist's office. And I would have still been Caught up in mental compulsions and ruminations because I was doing that when I was an employee for so many years, too. it just got really significant once I became the owner and the body. Because I couldn't I was 10. Yeah. Definitely was. I would have still lived in the in the world of checking in, reassure, be reassured by Mark, by other people in my life. I would have still been. You you every every sudden every aspect that I live now that I've talked about on this podcast, that Mark has shared on this podcast, everything that we have made for the better in our life would have would still be happening if I had remained an employee and just continued to do what I was still doing. So And when we when now that we've been through this journey, I sit back and look at prior to owning it, what you would do and whatnot, like Sundays were always so hard. Like you never wanted to go to work. You know, and and some people just don't like their workplace. You know, and but you would, you know, you would burn through your paid time off and like no time. Cause I knew I knew that I was always feeling the mental compulsions. I always knew I was feeling that the The need to check in with people constantly if I didn't feel like I'd left something just right. And it's exhausting. It's freaking exhausting to do that. I have so much sympathy for those of you out there that that do the same thing or something very similar to this. And it's hidden away and no one recognizes it. But I know the challenge it presents you. I know the toll it takes on your brain and your energy level. It's exhausting and you you loop and you don't feel like you can move forward, which is why we couldn't move our business forward. I've talked a lot about shame, regret. Failure that I have felt. Guilt, all of it. I still feel those things. That's still part of war that's still a part of what I'm recovering from as well. And that's something that I don't know. That's gonna take time. Yeah. To to go through and process th those feelings now associated with all of that. You know, you're you're still a great therapist. I'm I'm so proud of where you were to where you are now. It it's light years. You know, if something is I mean, we talk about the driving thing all the time. How much of a weightlift did that's brought to me? Yeah. You know, that that's been awesome. Absolutely. Well, there's been so much that has come so much good that has really come out of yeah. This very disastrous business adventure. Thank you. Yes. Sure. That's good. It's definitely an adventure. so much good that has come from it that it's hard to you can't regret it. You can't You can't turn back time and do it again, that's for sure. You have to just kind of learn from it, move on, and open up new chapters. But it's easier said than done sometimes. And and I'd really be interested to hear from other people out there in the in the O C D community that struggle with mental compulsions and ruminations that get hidden away. And and how they how those challenges affect their life. 'Cause you're not alone. No, and I realize that. And I know that and and I I'm And they're not alone either. No, that's I want them to know that tenfold. You know, I think the more people hear about the different ways O C D affects people's lives, the easier it is for people that maybe not have been d that have not been diagnosed might go, maybe this is what this is. Yeah. Maybe I do need to look into it and yeah. Find out what's going on because I mean, you kinda were like unsure about what was going on with you. For many, many years. And even you and your therapist, you know, before we, you know, I jumped in with you. You know, w you guys were tackling your stuff at a different direction. We were. And and and she and I have talked many times as well about how it always felt like I would make a little progress and then I would slip backwards with what she was trying to help me with early on, 'cause I went to her specific because I was very taxed by the business. The business. And the girls being the boss and having employees and I needed help. And she has mentioned to me before, it was always such an interesting concept that we would make little progress and then you would slide and then make progress and then slide. And we just couldn't quite figure out why. And then, you know, of course, as you do with a relationship with anyone in a therapist patient relationship is no different. You gain trust, you gain rapport, you gain knowledge about the other person. And I and I had said a couple of things to her at one point that ticked her brain to say. I think we're dealing with more than just generalized anxiety. I think we're dealing with more than just challenges of being business ownership. I think we're and that's when she brought the O C D to my attention and that's when I took the test and And then sh very shortly after that was The break. Yeah. The break down. Yeah. Yeah. Mine. Yeah. Yeah. Which then canapulted your right adventure in the ERP. Yes. The the part that you had to do. It was it was non negotiable. At that point it became non negotiable, yes. And and and and a lot of it was because of your safety. Yeah. Yeah, when you're talking about hurting yourself and You know, that that's a big big piece that everybody around you worries about. Yeah. And you know, but you were good at keeping a lot of the stuff to yourself. You know, I would hear you in the showers talk in the shower talking. my God. Do have we mentioned that on this podcast yet? But that I mean that mental shower confessions. That mental compulsion that you're doing. You were talking in the shower. Yeah. I didn't know what that was. Not until we started doing therapy. Not just like, my wife is really weird. She talks to herself in the shower. But but I've heard you do that before, not really knowing what it was. Right. You know, not even in the shower. You're like you would be cleaning or doing something and you would be talking to yourself and it's like, What's going on there? There, you know. Yeah. It was always Erumination, always replaying conversations, always mentally having mental compulsions where I would have to talk myself down from being so anxious, not allowing myself to live in that discomfort. And you'll hear us say some of these phrases and words and things over and over in this podcast. And that's because this these are the things that are so important to remember on your journey to healing. Mm-hmm. Which is you have to allow yourself to sit in the discomfort. You have to allow yourself to have the anxiety raise, get to its height, and then lower itself on on its own without engaging in the compulsion in order to heal, in order to break the cycle of compulsions, in order to break the cycle of OCD. That's why we talk a lot about when I need to when I feel the need to check in or get reassurance from Mark, and he would always give it to me. Which just fed my O C D and now our dynamic is much different. And that is not how we operate anymore. And so now I have learned essentially that A, I don't need to check in and get reassurance anymore. But B, even if I do, he's not gonna give me the response that I'm looking for. So Why even ask? Yeah. That's huge. It is. It is huge. And and again I didn't allow, you know, Mark and I went into this business as partners. And I didn't allow him to be the partner that I think he absolutely could have been for me. And and if we were to ever try business ownership again in the future someday, I it would look much, much different for us. And we know this now. And it's not if, it's when. It is when. That that is that is that is I'm Yeah, we're not gonna we're not gonna let this one be the the legacy. There's an there's a new adventure out there. Yeah. I mean you in your you're letting yourself explore other avenues as well. Yeah. Which is exciting. Yeah, like you're writing. I mean you're yeah that's an avenue you couldn't even It's been an avenue I've been thinking about for a long time and and I'm excited to be exploring that one. For sure. But your OCD wouldn't allow you to go there. No. Because of what you think other people would be thinking about you, though. That is true. Yes. So you never even wanted to put anything out there. Yeah. Yeah. And I think about things differently now. And that's another part that ERP has given me back, which is my voice, my version, me. That my thoughts, my ideas, my opinions, they matter just as much as everyone else's does. Yeah. It's a big, big episode for you. Yeah. To kind of go through it it's more down memory lane and then seeing what other people are doing post business. Mm-hmm. That, you know, social media makes everybody look happy and healthy and wonderful and great and you know rainbows and sunshine and unicorns and Skittles. But that might not be the case. no, definitely not. might not be the case and that's why it's I I I'm at least old enough and adult enough to recognize the highlight reel that social media is. It's just the idea that it's hard when I feel like everything I had been or who I was for those decades of my life is now just crushed and gone and everyone else just kind of got to move on and still do what they were meant to do. And live their best life. And live their life. And I'm over here still trying to recoup. Yeah. Emotionally, mentally. But you're healing though. You're yes. And I am. And I feel so much better. But there are just certain days, certain moments that They get to me. Yeah. And the today literally today was one of them. But it was it's a good segue because I was intending to talk about mental compulsions and ruminations. And and honestly, it's hard to talk to talk about those without talking about how it affected me as a business owner. So it kind of went hand in hand today. Yep. Do you anything else you wanna share? I don't think so. We have lots more episodes for them for anything else. I mean, we have a trip coming up. Yes. And that's gonna tax your ERP on the road, everybody. That's gonna tax your your O C D. Uh-huh. I mean, I'm I'm even sitting here thinking about our trip like What's the next shoe that's gonna drop? I know, and I hate that for you too. I don't want you to You know, because I I it's it's you know, I want to be able to enjoy it. You know, our daughter wants to be able to enjoy it and you want to be able to be able to enjoy it. And but the great part is is you've been through ERP and you can recognize. Yes. You can pinpoint what Yes. How you're feeling, why you're feeling, and we can you and I together can work through those those feelings. And and let your anxiety or discomfort come into play without wrecking an entire day. Yeah. Absolutely. Might be ten, five, ten, fifteen, twenty minutes, but at least we can work through it and then go on the other side. And I look forward to that. Absolutely. And that's because you've been through the ERP side of the world. Yes. And as always, y'all, we want to hear from you. Yeah. Anytime Please message us, let us know your story, your journey. We'd love to give you a platform to share your thoughts on OCD and ERP and and really again continue to build this community of those of us who who have it and those of us who love someone who has it. It's and it's not easy to share your story. You feel very vulnerable when you do. Absolutely. And I mean that's kind of how we felt when we started this. Yes. But every time we do an episode, it's easier and easier and easier. It does get that way. And and we want to be a place of of of support and and safety for those of you who are still feeling very vulnerable to to share. Yeah. So reach out if you do. And once again, thank you for listening. Thank you for living uncertain with us. Till next time. Bye. Marc & Stacee: Thank you for joining us on today's episode and Living Uncertain with us. We are not therapists and this podcast is intended to provide information and support. It should not replace traditional means of seeking help from a licensed mental health professional. If you like this episode or would like to hear more, please like, subscribe or share with someone you think may benefit. Here at Living Uncertain, we're building a community of support. If you and your significant other would like to share your story, we would love to have you on the podcast. Please click on the link in the episode description and fill out the interest form.