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Limerence Vs Love How Obsession is Getting in the Way of you Finding Love (E) · Do You F*cking Mind?

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Speaker 1: Hello, beautiful beans, and welcome to the podcast episode of Today.
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Speaker 1: So today is an Encore episode because I am going
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Speaker 1: on maternity leave. I have hand selected with my assistant Shanai.
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Speaker 1: We've hand selected episodes that we think will be like
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Speaker 1: just honestly your favorite. They're episodes that have either really
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Speaker 1: great feedback or have been shared a lot amongst you guys,
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Speaker 1: or have been shared a lot on socials and reshared
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Speaker 1: on stories, so we thought, you know, we'd bring back
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Speaker 1: kind of the top favorites are the ones that resonated
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Speaker 1: the most with you guys. So I'm going on just
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Speaker 1: three well, the podcast is going on three weeks of
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Speaker 1: maternity leave. I am going on four months of maternity leave.
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Speaker 1: But fear not fretno, I have created an entire back catalog.
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Speaker 1: So after these three weeks of Encore episodes, you will
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Speaker 1: be receiving your normal dose of a Monday episode and
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Speaker 1: a head Noise episode, and also some really cool mini
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Speaker 1: series scattered throughout up until the end of the year,
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Speaker 1: and then I will come back for regular programming mid
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Speaker 1: January after kind of the Christmas break. So without fucking
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Speaker 1: around any further, enjoy the episode. The encore episode of today.
1:27
Speaker 1: Love You Guys So Much is an episode that I'm
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Speaker 1: actually really really excited to bring to you because it
1:32
Speaker 1: is something that I think so many of us have experienced,
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Speaker 1: definitely myself, especially when I was younger, and it's something
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Speaker 1: that's really prevalent in like pop culture and films and
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Speaker 1: kind of really normalizes this feeling of limerence, which is
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Speaker 1: what I'm talking about as being love. So we're going
1:51
Speaker 1: to be breaking down the difference between limerens versus love,
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Speaker 1: what limerence feels like, how it can be so intense
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Speaker 1: where it differ from love, and you can also understand
2:02
Speaker 1: how you can have a lot of limerent behaviors but
2:05
Speaker 1: it actually end up being love, or it can just
2:07
Speaker 1: be straight up limerents, and why it's so difficult to
2:11
Speaker 1: deal with it when when you know the relationship doesn't
2:14
Speaker 1: unfold the way you want it to unfold, and when
2:18
Speaker 1: you are experiencing liberance to someone who does not reciprocate
2:22
Speaker 1: the feelings, and why it is so difficult to get
2:24
Speaker 1: over it. I recently did an interview. I interviewed Sabrina
2:28
Speaker 1: Zoha on my podcast, and she made a comment about
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Speaker 1: limmerens and people feeling limerents when you know, you go
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Speaker 1: on one really good date and the other person doesn't reciprocate,
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Speaker 1: they don't really like feel it, or they kind of
2:43
Speaker 1: feel it, but they kind of taper off, and you know,
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Speaker 1: end up disappearing and you're just like, how do I
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Speaker 1: get rid of this feeling? I've never met anyone like this.
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Speaker 1: It's the most perfect thing in the world. And that's
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Speaker 1: kind of librens and so many of us have experienced that,
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Speaker 1: and it's really unpleasant. It's just not a good time.
3:00
Speaker 1: So let's talk about limereents. What is it, how do
3:02
Speaker 1: identify it, how it differs from love, and what to
3:06
Speaker 1: do to help you move past these feelings. Okay, so
3:10
Speaker 1: the first thing we're going to talk about, dun dun dunn,
3:13
Speaker 1: is what is limerance as a definition, So, it is
3:18
Speaker 1: the experience of having an uncontrollable desire for someone. It
3:23
Speaker 1: is an obsession that consumes the limerent person's thoughts, feelings,
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Speaker 1: and behaviors. So if you're experiencing limerents, you're the limerent person,
3:32
Speaker 1: and then the person that you're obsessing over is the
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Speaker 1: limerent object or the l So if you're reading up articles,
3:39
Speaker 1: you might see it being described as the l Limerent object. Okay,
3:43
Speaker 1: that's the person. It's a deep infatuation and it can
3:48
Speaker 1: not for everyone, but it can feel like desperation. So
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Speaker 1: I'm going to give you a whole bunch of things
3:54
Speaker 1: that you might be feeling if you have experienced limerens. Okay,
3:58
Speaker 1: and you might be someone who's listening to this thing
4:00
Speaker 1: like yep, yep, tick tick tic tic tic tik tick.
4:02
Speaker 1: I'm going to tell you a fun fact of how
4:04
Speaker 1: I was a psychopathic limerent person in high school. But
4:07
Speaker 1: I'll tell you that a bit later. So your day
4:10
Speaker 1: starts thinking of them, and the day ends thinking of them.
4:13
Speaker 1: You're thinking about them all the time. You go onto
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Speaker 1: their social media pages repeatedly to look over images that
4:19
Speaker 1: you've already seen over and over again. You read over
4:22
Speaker 1: text messages, even if they're extremely mundane, just to be like, oh,
4:25
Speaker 1: just to revisit that, And you do this kind of
4:27
Speaker 1: thing repeatedly. You look into anything as a hint that
4:30
Speaker 1: they might feel the same way. Oh they put an exclamation, Mike,
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Speaker 1: there was one kiss at the end of that Oh
4:34
Speaker 1: my god, you know, one like exit the end of
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Speaker 1: that text. You look to see if they've watched your stories,
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Speaker 1: but in a really compulsive way. I think a lot
4:42
Speaker 1: of people kind of will like flick up and look
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Speaker 1: at who's viewed their stories, but this is more like
4:46
Speaker 1: you're checking, checking, checking, checking, checking that they've viewed your stories,
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Speaker 1: and when they have viewed your stories, it's like, oh
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Speaker 1: my god, they must you know, they must like me
4:54
Speaker 1: because they're viewing my stories, which is a while I
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Speaker 1: used to think, oh my god, if this person's viewing
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Speaker 1: my stories, they must like me, and that would be
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Speaker 1: enough to carry me over for the next couple of
5:03
Speaker 1: days or a week. But now I think about it,
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Speaker 1: I'm like, there are so many people that I'm not
5:07
Speaker 1: I mean, I'm obviously in a relationship now, very happy,
5:10
Speaker 1: but even when I was single, there's so many people
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Speaker 1: that I was not remotely attracted to and I would
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Speaker 1: view their stories. Does that mean that they're thinking that
5:17
Speaker 1: I'm into them? It's just wild how I would. Yeah. Whatever,
5:21
Speaker 1: if you are dating this person or if you're seeing
5:24
Speaker 1: each other, you hide certain aspects of yourself that you
5:27
Speaker 1: think that they might not like, such as interests or
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Speaker 1: hobbies that you have that you might think, oh, that's
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Speaker 1: going to put me in a bad light or it's
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Speaker 1: embarrassing or whatever. You try and make yourself the perfect
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Speaker 1: match for them instead of seeing if you're a good
5:40
Speaker 1: fit for each other. Being naturally who you are, you
5:43
Speaker 1: are regularly seeking validation from them. And by validation, it's
5:47
Speaker 1: not that you're so that you're going to them asking
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Speaker 1: do you like me? Do this? Do that? If anything,
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Speaker 1: you're probably doing less of that, but you're seeking validation
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Speaker 1: just by looking at their behaviors and trying to get
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Speaker 1: validation from their behaviors, like have they applied to the text?
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Speaker 1: What was the reply? Like? Again? Did they watch my stories?
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Speaker 1: Have they flame reacted on this thing? If I put
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Speaker 1: a first trap on my Instagram? Have they you know,
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Speaker 1: bitten the bait? All these things that could suggest that
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Speaker 1: this person likes you in and then that would then
6:16
Speaker 1: turn into feelings of validation. You can read into any
6:19
Speaker 1: minor sign of attention that they give you, and that
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Speaker 1: feeds this feeling for even longer. Your happiness and your
6:25
Speaker 1: emotions depend on getting positive reactions from this person, and
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Speaker 1: if that doesn't happen, it can cause a downward spiral
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Speaker 1: of emotions for you in other areas of your life
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Speaker 1: as well. So you could actually be in a low
6:37
Speaker 1: mood throughout your entire every at work with your friends,
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Speaker 1: your mind is foggy because you're thinking about, Oh, they
6:44
Speaker 1: haven't replied, and it's been days and they haven't replied,
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Speaker 1: and I you know that feeling of like it's overwhelmed.
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Speaker 1: You put this person on a pedestal. You feel awkward
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Speaker 1: or shy around them. This is a huge one. Feelings
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Speaker 1: of euphoria when you think of them, when you think
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Speaker 1: of being with them, crazy fear of being rejected so
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Speaker 1: often that you will veer away from behaviors that could
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Speaker 1: cause conflict, like telling them that they're wrong about something,
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Speaker 1: disagreeing with them on big or small things, pretending that
7:14
Speaker 1: you're okay with certain behaviors that normally would be crossing
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Speaker 1: a boundary for you or normally would be a deal breaker,
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Speaker 1: pretending that you like the same thing that they do,
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Speaker 1: just so you're like appeasing to them. It's hard to
7:28
Speaker 1: find anything else in your life as exciting as this
7:30
Speaker 1: person or as exciting as thinking about this person. So
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Speaker 1: even things that are normally really exciting for you, like
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Speaker 1: a vacation or this dinner with some friends, it's just
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Speaker 1: not as exciting now. As thinking of this person. This
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Speaker 1: person has taken over your mind. You are fully so
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Speaker 1: like consumed by this person and your feelings towards this person.
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Speaker 1: You are then in denial of it not progressing into
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Speaker 1: a proper relationship. So, for example, you could be in
7:57
Speaker 1: a situationship phase for months and months and make all
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Speaker 1: the excuses under the sun for this person as to
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Speaker 1: why it's not developing into the relationship that you want
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Speaker 1: it to develop into, which could be like a monogamous,
8:11
Speaker 1: committed relationship, But you also don't want to confront them
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Speaker 1: about it because you don't want to rock the boat
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Speaker 1: of where this situationship or where the relationship is at.
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Speaker 1: You are terrified that anything will go wrong. So you're like, well,
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Speaker 1: if they haven't instigated a relationship, it's probably because and
8:25
Speaker 1: that you make up all these excuses and all these reasons.
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Speaker 1: But I'm not going to instigate it because I don't
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Speaker 1: want to push them and I don't want to get
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Speaker 1: them anoyed, and I don't want to push them away.
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Speaker 1: I don't want to be twittered. So you just kind
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Speaker 1: of you would just be in basic denial because the
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Speaker 1: relationship is not progressing. But you've got every reason under
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Speaker 1: the sun why it hasn't progressed, and when people ask you, like,
8:41
Speaker 1: but what's actually happening. It's been a long time. You
8:44
Speaker 1: will have every answer for that, but you've actually never
8:47
Speaker 1: discussed it with this person. It feels like no other
8:50
Speaker 1: love or romance that you felt in the past. It's
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Speaker 1: a feeling that you can't get enough of them. You
8:55
Speaker 1: want to talk to other people about them all the time,
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Speaker 1: Like it's really hard not to bring this person up
9:01
Speaker 1: or this encounter with this person up, and it kind
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Speaker 1: of takes over most aspects of your life and a
9:09
Speaker 1: lot of your awareness and your attention. Okay, now, if
9:12
Speaker 1: you it's not to say that if you have experienced
9:15
Speaker 1: limerents before, you're going to feel all these things. But
9:18
Speaker 1: these are all a whole bunch of really really common
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Speaker 1: things that people report feeling when they are experiencing limerents
9:24
Speaker 1: or when they have a limerent object in mind. So
9:27
Speaker 1: if you kind of feel like yes to a whole
9:30
Speaker 1: bunch of those things, maybe this podcast episode is for you. Now,
9:34
Speaker 1: how can you tell the difference between true love and limerence?
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Speaker 1: Because there is a difference, So falling in love with
9:41
Speaker 1: someone really falling in love with someone. A big part
9:44
Speaker 1: of that is getting to know them and them getting
9:47
Speaker 1: to know you. Okay, it is learning about that person
9:53
Speaker 1: and learning how to be yourself around that person, and
9:56
Speaker 1: learning how you can come together as two authentic individuals,
10:02
Speaker 1: putting up with the good, putting up with the bad,
10:04
Speaker 1: working together on the things that you can work on.
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Speaker 1: And while you're going through that process, you feeling yourself. Really,
10:13
Speaker 1: you can still have certain feelings of like what I expressed,
10:16
Speaker 1: and you can still think about them all the time.
10:18
Speaker 1: You can still think about it the first thing in
10:19
Speaker 1: the morning. You can still adore them. You're very much yourself.
10:22
Speaker 1: If you disagree with something, you're able to disagree with them.
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Speaker 1: It's not all consuming either, Like you can be absolutely
10:28
Speaker 1: in love with somebody, but then you can also have
10:31
Speaker 1: excitement in other areas of your day. You don't read
10:33
Speaker 1: into every tiny, tiny thing that this person does because
10:36
Speaker 1: you understand the bigger picture of who they are. You
10:38
Speaker 1: really know this person and you're able to look at
10:42
Speaker 1: their flaws and be like, that's a flaw, but I'm
10:45
Speaker 1: willing to put up with it. Or you know, this
10:47
Speaker 1: is something that we've both discussed and we're both willing
10:49
Speaker 1: to work towards this thing together. So that's kind of
10:52
Speaker 1: the difference. You're working to get closer together. It has
10:55
Speaker 1: to do with you as much as it has to
10:56
Speaker 1: do with them. You can both be real and honest
10:59
Speaker 1: with where you're at. You can disagree, you can have arguments,
11:04
Speaker 1: but there's a deep enough connection and you can both
11:07
Speaker 1: thrive in that kind of environment. It can also be exciting,
11:10
Speaker 1: it can be romantic, it can be all of the above.
11:12
Speaker 1: But the key elements of falling in love is that
11:14
Speaker 1: you're both honest and open and transparent, and you get
11:17
Speaker 1: to know each other properly, so then you can actually
11:19
Speaker 1: make a judgment call on how compatible you are because
11:24
Speaker 1: love for a real, proper relationship, Love in and of
11:28
Speaker 1: itself is not enough for a relationship to succeed. Okay,
11:32
Speaker 1: you need other aspects of compatibility in order for the
11:35
Speaker 1: relationship to have longevity. You could both adore each other,
11:39
Speaker 1: but your morals are completely way off and it's going
11:42
Speaker 1: to cause massive, massive, massive divides and massive issues later on.
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Speaker 1: So it's eventually going to be a bit of a
11:49
Speaker 1: deal breaker. So you've got to look at love, and
11:51
Speaker 1: then you've got to look at all these other components
11:53
Speaker 1: of compatibility, and everyone's idea of compatibility is very different,
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Speaker 1: so it's personal. And then you're like, is this person
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Speaker 1: a really good match for me? And am I feeling
12:02
Speaker 1: romantically connected to them as well? That is falling in love?
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Speaker 1: And I'm sure a lot of us have experienced that.
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Speaker 1: Limerence is very heavily based on your hopes and dreams
12:12
Speaker 1: of who this person could be or what this relationship
12:15
Speaker 1: could be. It's this ideal image. This person is perfection, right,
12:21
Speaker 1: they are elite, they are cream of the crop. Okay,
12:25
Speaker 1: And this is why it really really often happens with
12:28
Speaker 1: people that you only know on a surface level, or
12:31
Speaker 1: that you've only met a handful of times. So what
12:34
Speaker 1: I mean by surface level is that you could have
12:36
Speaker 1: this limberance like adoration for someone at work, and you
12:42
Speaker 1: might have like worked with them for years, but you
12:44
Speaker 1: only know one aspect of who that person is, and
12:47
Speaker 1: the rest of who that person is you've created in
12:49
Speaker 1: your head, whether you realize it or not. So you
12:51
Speaker 1: might know, like the smile they talk to you one day,
12:56
Speaker 1: they might have a little bit longer conversation one day,
12:57
Speaker 1: they might ask you about your weekend. You see them
13:00
Speaker 1: once at like social drinks for work, and you just
13:02
Speaker 1: see them interact with other people and you're like, I
13:04
Speaker 1: know this person. I've watched them for years. You don't
13:07
Speaker 1: know this person. You have been exposed to aspects of
13:10
Speaker 1: this person. But to know someone is very different than
13:13
Speaker 1: to be acquainted with someone. So a lot of the
13:17
Speaker 1: time we'll feel this crazy obsession when we know someone
13:19
Speaker 1: at that level, or when we've gone on one date.
13:22
Speaker 1: You know, we met on a dating app, we've chatted,
13:25
Speaker 1: texted back and forth, then we go on a date,
13:28
Speaker 1: and then I'm like, I'm done. I'm sold this person.
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Speaker 1: Is it? It's the one, It's the one. It's the one.
13:34
Speaker 1: Now if you're sitting here saying yeah, a Lexis, but
13:37
Speaker 1: I felt all of those things, and I'm now married
13:39
Speaker 1: to this person, and it's now amazing. You can start
13:42
Speaker 1: all these things that I spoke about with Limerens. Of Course,
13:45
Speaker 1: you're never gonna when you start dating your partner of
13:48
Speaker 1: now ten years or whatever. Of Course you don't know them.
13:50
Speaker 1: And it's okay to fall hard for someone from the beginning.
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Speaker 1: That's perfectly normal. The thing is that the difference between
13:56
Speaker 1: Limerens and love and one of the key factors to identify.
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Speaker 1: The difference is time, time is longevity, because as time
14:02
Speaker 1: goes on, you're going to know very quickly, am I
14:05
Speaker 1: editing myself to be a different version of myself so
14:07
Speaker 1: they like me more? Or am I absolutely myself? Is
14:10
Speaker 1: this person showing all the different signs? Are we able
14:12
Speaker 1: to disagree on something and see how we both get
14:14
Speaker 1: to you? There's a big difference, big difference With limerens.
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Speaker 1: It's very very very very very very often someone who
14:21
Speaker 1: you barely know because you've created an image of who
14:24
Speaker 1: you think they are in your mind, and this image
14:26
Speaker 1: is so good, it is so perfect. Everything about them
14:29
Speaker 1: is great. Like say you've met like your Prince Charming
14:32
Speaker 1: or your whatever, whoever it is. This is the perfect person.
14:36
Speaker 1: But you don't know about their really annoying habits. You
14:38
Speaker 1: don't know about like their hygiene standards. You don't know
14:41
Speaker 1: about what they think about you know how people should
14:45
Speaker 1: be treated or how they would treat it an absolute
14:46
Speaker 1: stranger when you're not around, or you don't like there's
14:48
Speaker 1: so many things you don't yet know about this person,
14:50
Speaker 1: but in your head, because they're so charming and fabulous,
14:54
Speaker 1: you think that it's kind of like the halo effect.
14:56
Speaker 1: If like, if you see one or two good traits
14:59
Speaker 1: in somebody, you then think that that trait is across
15:03
Speaker 1: every aspect of their life. That's why, you know, in
15:06
Speaker 1: movies from the past, a lot of the time, the
15:09
Speaker 1: good guys were really like aesthetically beautiful, and the bad
15:12
Speaker 1: guys they would try to like make them look like
15:14
Speaker 1: they were scary or whatever. It's because of this halo effect.
15:18
Speaker 1: You think, oh my god, they're hot, so they must
15:20
Speaker 1: be so lovely in every other area of their life.
15:22
Speaker 1: Not the case, but that's kind of what a lot
15:25
Speaker 1: of people do think, which is pretty crazy since another
15:35
Speaker 1: way to identify limerens is if you were to really
15:38
Speaker 1: break down what your relationship is with this person, there'd
15:42
Speaker 1: be not much to it. If you were to break down,
15:44
Speaker 1: what does this person actually know about my life? What
15:46
Speaker 1: do I know about their deepest thoughts and their feelings
15:49
Speaker 1: and what keeps them up at night, you probably be like,
15:52
Speaker 1: I couldn't answer those questions. You know, I don't know
15:55
Speaker 1: what do I know about their relationship with their parents?
15:57
Speaker 1: What do I know about you know, the biggest fight
15:59
Speaker 1: that they ever had with their best friend, or the
16:01
Speaker 1: time their dog died and how they dealt with that.
16:03
Speaker 1: I don't know, shit, I don't know fucking any of that,
16:05
Speaker 1: because we're not we don't have a true connection. If
16:08
Speaker 1: you know all those things and you're still in a relationship,
16:10
Speaker 1: it's not limerents okay. You're also more likely to accept
16:14
Speaker 1: red flags and ignore them because this person is so
16:17
Speaker 1: perfect in your eyes. You will make every excuse under
16:20
Speaker 1: the sun when the first red flag appears, because you're.
16:22
Speaker 2: Like, no, no, it, there was a reason that that happened,
16:28
Speaker 2: or oh, that's just a one off, like it's fine,
16:31
Speaker 2: or you know, you will be amazed at the excuses
16:33
Speaker 2: that you can create for yourself to be okay with
16:36
Speaker 2: things that you would normally find a turn off, like
16:40
Speaker 2: you know, moral issues or their opinion, or how they
16:42
Speaker 2: spoke to your or you know, when they made like
16:44
Speaker 2: a comment that seemed like, wait, you're trying to control me.
16:46
Speaker 1: This is a kind of slightly controlling behavior, but I'm
16:48
Speaker 1: just going to turn a blind eye to it. That
16:49
Speaker 1: kind of thing, And you're going to be so focused
16:52
Speaker 1: and fixated on the good things that you're literally willing
16:54
Speaker 1: to turn a blind eye to all the flaws. And
16:57
Speaker 1: you know, the deal breaking flaws that are going on
17:00
Speaker 1: the opposite is also true when you aren't into somebody
17:05
Speaker 1: but you're trying to like see if it's going to work,
17:07
Speaker 1: and they're really into you, so you're giving them a chance,
17:09
Speaker 1: but you're like, oh, my heart's not in it. You're
17:11
Speaker 1: going to pick things about their behavior that's so mundane,
17:15
Speaker 1: but you're like, I hate that they did this, and
17:16
Speaker 1: I hate that it's like, no, you didn't. You're looking
17:19
Speaker 1: for excuses to say why this person isn't isn't a
17:22
Speaker 1: good fit, instead of just being open and honest with
17:24
Speaker 1: yourself and being like, we're just not a good fit.
17:26
Speaker 1: The person's lovely, I'm just not into it and it's fine,
17:29
Speaker 1: but you come up with all these ix in your
17:31
Speaker 1: mind to be like, this is a reason why should
17:33
Speaker 1: push them away. This is another reason why would never work. No, no, no, no, no.
17:36
Speaker 1: You know it's the same in reverse. Okay, So we
17:38
Speaker 1: will highlight when someone seems like a good match, we'll
17:42
Speaker 1: dim down the bad traits and like blow up the
17:46
Speaker 1: good traits. And when someone really likes you but you
17:48
Speaker 1: don't think it's a good match, you're going to blow
17:50
Speaker 1: up their bad traits and dim down their good traits.
17:52
Speaker 1: That's just human nature. It's what we do. Now. Of course,
17:55
Speaker 1: because you're doing all of this, it's going to make
17:58
Speaker 1: you create this unreal version of this person in your head.
18:01
Speaker 1: It's a one dimensional, one sided representation of a person,
18:05
Speaker 1: and that's what makes it an illusion and not a
18:07
Speaker 1: real emotional response to a person, and therefore it's not love.
18:11
Speaker 1: It's limerates. You're the limerent person with a limerent object. Okay, Now,
18:16
Speaker 1: when you're experiencing limerens, it does not really feel too
18:21
Speaker 1: different to love in the early stages, so it is
18:24
Speaker 1: difficult to identify it from the get go. Both can
18:26
Speaker 1: feel like a high. Both can give you this dopamine
18:28
Speaker 1: rush at the start. Both can feel like it is
18:31
Speaker 1: a deep love at the start. Both can feel like euphoria.
18:34
Speaker 1: But like I said, love is deeper. There's a connection
18:37
Speaker 1: and you are also your true self, and there is
18:39
Speaker 1: progression within the relationship as well. You're seeing progress, you're
18:43
Speaker 1: seeing growth, you're working together as a team towards common goals.
18:48
Speaker 1: That's another really big one. A big difference in a
18:50
Speaker 1: proper loving relationship is that you work together towards common goals,
18:54
Speaker 1: whether it be goals within the relationship or any goal
18:57
Speaker 1: versus I'm obsessing over this person and they fucking don't
19:00
Speaker 1: know who I am. They barely know me. I'm an acquaintance.
19:02
Speaker 1: That kind of thing. Now, Another thing that I wanted
19:06
Speaker 1: to get into is this idea in films like rom
19:11
Speaker 1: coms and stuff, they make limerens seem so normal, and
19:16
Speaker 1: seeing that limerence is love, they give off this impression
19:19
Speaker 1: that these limerent behaviors and where you fall so heavily
19:22
Speaker 1: for someone and these persons the one and everything's perfect
19:25
Speaker 1: and there's no you know, a lot of rom coms
19:28
Speaker 1: are limmereates and you look at it and it's like,
19:31
Speaker 1: this is fucking limmerens, and so many rom coms like
19:33
Speaker 1: You've got Great Guts, be sleeping sleepless in Seattle, You've
19:37
Speaker 1: got male pretty woman. A whole bunch of scenes in
19:40
Speaker 1: love actually, like Juliet and Mark, where he's, you know,
19:44
Speaker 1: holding up the signs and then he kisses his best friend,
19:46
Speaker 1: Like Mark is the most toxic clown. If you guys
19:51
Speaker 1: have watched Love, actually toxic clown I've ever met. It's
19:54
Speaker 1: his best friend. Anyway, whatever, go watch the film. But
19:57
Speaker 1: I'm just like this guy is a joke. He's ignored,
20:00
Speaker 1: boring this woman that he's obsessed with, he's got like
20:02
Speaker 1: his limerence that he's feeling, doesn't even talk to her.
20:06
Speaker 1: How does he know he's in love with her, spends
20:08
Speaker 1: the whole wedding filming her face, you know, is going
20:12
Speaker 1: behind his best friends back doing all of this. Then
20:14
Speaker 1: behind his best friend's back, he does this whole the
20:17
Speaker 1: proclaimment of love to this woman he ignores, and then
20:22
Speaker 1: she fucking kisses him. And it's romantic. I mean, I
20:24
Speaker 1: love Love. Actually it's one of her favorite films of
20:25
Speaker 1: all time. It's so good. But toxic is all I
20:28
Speaker 1: have to say about that, saying also while you were sleeping,
20:32
Speaker 1: great film from the nineties. All of these films I love,
20:35
Speaker 1: and all of these films are limerens like it is
20:38
Speaker 1: just it's not it. It's not love. And there's a paper
20:43
Speaker 1: actually that was written called the Emotional Politics of Limerence
20:45
Speaker 1: in Romantic Comedy Films, And the author of his paper
20:48
Speaker 1: is Wyat Moss Wellington. If you're in the mood to
20:50
Speaker 1: read a paper on that, go check it out. And
20:52
Speaker 1: he states that rom coms present these limerent feelings that
20:57
Speaker 1: encourage audiences to draw meaning from these emotions. So instead
21:01
Speaker 1: of feeling these feelings and be like, oh, it's just lust.
21:04
Speaker 1: That was a fun feeling. Move on, people are like,
21:07
Speaker 1: there's meaning behind this. This is my true love. If
21:09
Speaker 1: I'm feeling this way, this is the one. This is
21:11
Speaker 1: the one, and I've seen it in rom comms. My
21:13
Speaker 1: life is now a fairy tale. This is supposed to
21:16
Speaker 1: happen because it happened in Sleepless in Seattle, where I
21:20
Speaker 1: flew to the other side of the world because I
21:21
Speaker 1: heard this man's voice on a radio. I'm obsessed. So
21:24
Speaker 1: basically rom coms and a lot of like pop culture
21:27
Speaker 1: is trying to while not trying to, they're just the
21:30
Speaker 1: storylines are that limerens is like a rite of passage
21:34
Speaker 1: to falling in love. So then a lot of people,
21:35
Speaker 1: when they don't feel these crazy emotions, they're like, well,
21:38
Speaker 1: this is not the one. I'm not feeling it. I
21:40
Speaker 1: don't feel like you know, I'm not feeling it. But
21:43
Speaker 1: sometimes the best, most successful relationships are kind of like
21:46
Speaker 1: the slow burn. Really get to know each other, really
21:48
Speaker 1: feel comfortable in your own skin around this person. Before
21:50
Speaker 1: you know it, you're like, this person is the fucking
21:52
Speaker 1: love of my life. And I never had this insane
21:55
Speaker 1: roller coaster of emotions that happens for a lot of people,
21:58
Speaker 1: and a lot of people will have like a tie,
22:00
Speaker 1: and they always chase this type and they go for
22:02
Speaker 1: this one person, and it's always this roller coaster, roller coaster,
22:04
Speaker 1: and they always end up marrying someone who's so far
22:06
Speaker 1: from that type because it was a different, more grounded
22:09
Speaker 1: feeling that they ended up feeling with this person. Now,
22:13
Speaker 1: putting aside this whole rom com thing, because you know,
22:15
Speaker 1: we're you know, leaning off all of that, I thought
22:17
Speaker 1: i'd give my own anecdote for my you know, Limerens.
22:21
Speaker 1: When I was in high school, there was an exchange student.
22:24
Speaker 1: Antoine loved him so much. It was from France. It's
22:26
Speaker 1: probably where my love of her from France even started.
22:29
Speaker 1: Curly hair, gorgeous angel would wear like a headband. Oh,
22:33
Speaker 1: Limerens obsessed, didn't know this guy from a bar of soap.
22:37
Speaker 1: I'm like exchange student tick France, tick curls, tick head band,
22:41
Speaker 1: tick plays soccer tick tick tick. I loved him. He
22:44
Speaker 1: was in my sister's grade. He would talk to my
22:46
Speaker 1: sister because she was like really like she was really
22:48
Speaker 1: into soccer and sports as well. So they got along
22:50
Speaker 1: and my sister's like, look, alexis, maybe you should find
22:52
Speaker 1: something in common. Maybe you should start playing Hackey Sack.
22:54
Speaker 1: And I'm like, I'm gonna start playing Hacky Sack. And me, meanwhile,
22:57
Speaker 1: I was so obsessed with this guy. This was like,
22:59
Speaker 1: this would be stalking behavior if this if I was
23:03
Speaker 1: doing this now, like I would be so understanding if
23:07
Speaker 1: someone got like a restraining order against me, because it's
23:09
Speaker 1: so fucked. I knew every class that he had, Like
23:12
Speaker 1: I knew that if I had English, he had science,
23:14
Speaker 1: or if I had this, Like it was just so weird.
23:17
Speaker 1: So I'd walk the long way in hopes that we
23:19
Speaker 1: would just like cross pads and maybe he'd notice me.
23:22
Speaker 1: And then one day I was trying to play Hacky Sack.
23:24
Speaker 1: I was practicing and practicing in the hope that he'd
23:27
Speaker 1: invite me to play Hacky Sack. How far fetched is that?
23:29
Speaker 1: But lo and behold, he saw me holding the Hacky
23:32
Speaker 1: Sack and he invited me to play Hacky Sack. I
23:36
Speaker 1: was like, all my dreams have come true by the tiny,
23:38
Speaker 1: tiny detail that I still haven't mastered how to juggle
23:42
Speaker 1: hacky sack. But we were here, and I'm like, this
23:45
Speaker 1: is now never a Lexis, You've got to shine in
23:47
Speaker 1: this moment. So he starts playing. I was I can't
23:49
Speaker 1: believe he's invited me. I'm so again, so nervous. I'm
23:51
Speaker 1: acting like an idiot. I'm so clumsy. He's like kicking
23:54
Speaker 1: the hacky sacking. It kicks it to me, and I
23:56
Speaker 1: kick it straight back into his balls. I kick it
23:59
Speaker 1: into his balls. So then the bell rang that God
24:02
Speaker 1: literally saved by the bell. That is like the that
24:06
Speaker 1: statement was literally made for me, I think. And then
24:09
Speaker 1: I ran. I grabbed the hackey sack and I'm like bye,
24:11
Speaker 1: and I ran away. And I never spoke to him again,
24:14
Speaker 1: apart from like graduation day when or like the end
24:17
Speaker 1: of the year where people signed each other's shirts and
24:18
Speaker 1: I think he signed my shirt, I think, or maybe
24:21
Speaker 1: that's just like something I've put in my head. But anyway,
24:24
Speaker 1: that is limerens to a crazy degree in here. I
24:26
Speaker 1: was like, I'm in love. I love him. I didn't
24:28
Speaker 1: know him. I did not know this man, this poor man,
24:31
Speaker 1: like knew nothing about him to this day, know nothing
24:33
Speaker 1: about him. So just love that he made an appearance
24:37
Speaker 1: on my podcast, But that's Limerens. And I've experienced that
24:39
Speaker 1: a couple of times, more so when I was younger
24:41
Speaker 1: and in my early twenties, where I just fixed it
24:43
Speaker 1: and fall in love with someone that I actually didn't
24:45
Speaker 1: really know. So let's go over some key points. If
24:49
Speaker 1: we think limerence is love, then we've got to make
24:51
Speaker 1: sure that there's connection there and that we're able to
24:55
Speaker 1: grow with this person. Often limerence is not reciprocated and off,
25:00
Speaker 1: and once it ends, it really takes a really long
25:02
Speaker 1: time to move forward from it because you think this
25:04
Speaker 1: person was so perfect and they just you know, you
25:07
Speaker 1: felt this way, but they didn't feel that way back
25:09
Speaker 1: and it's really really hard to move from that. And
25:12
Speaker 1: connections that do feel this way are really hard to
25:14
Speaker 1: let go off because you think that you're letting go
25:17
Speaker 1: of a true love situation. That's like the illusion that
25:19
Speaker 1: we're playing in our head. Another thing is that the individual,
25:22
Speaker 1: the limerin object that we've had these feelings towards, will
25:25
Speaker 1: just not be able to live up to this crazy standard,
25:28
Speaker 1: this version that you have of them in your head.
25:31
Speaker 1: No one could live up to that version that you had,
25:33
Speaker 1: because it's just this perfection. It's like this person that
25:36
Speaker 1: you've created in your head and there's just like a
25:38
Speaker 1: vessel that you know as a human being, as a
25:40
Speaker 1: representation of that person. Okay, it's just something that's really
25:44
Speaker 1: difficult for you to move on when you have you know,
25:47
Speaker 1: it's not like an interaction with someone. And going back
25:50
Speaker 1: to the rom com thing, the issue is that almost
25:54
Speaker 1: every rom com that's around limerens calling it love. Oh
25:58
Speaker 1: my god, the chase, the chase, the check and now
26:01
Speaker 1: we're together. We don't fucking know each other. We don't
26:03
Speaker 1: know each other, but now we're together and it's true love,
26:06
Speaker 1: and then bang the movie ends. Of course, the movie ends.
26:08
Speaker 1: The movie ends, because how the fuck is that going
26:11
Speaker 1: to unfold moving forward? The people don't know each other.
26:14
Speaker 1: The next step two of that is now I've actually
26:16
Speaker 1: got to get to know each other, and now the
26:18
Speaker 1: disagreements begin. Now the conflict begins. Is it actually going
26:21
Speaker 1: to work? That's not as exciting and romantic as this
26:24
Speaker 1: idea of like, oh my god, I just met you yesterday.
26:26
Speaker 1: Bad we're now getting that rid. It basically ends at
26:29
Speaker 1: the peak of the excitement, the peak of the thrill,
26:31
Speaker 1: and it leaves the audience to imagine that the rest
26:34
Speaker 1: of their life is going to be just as passionate
26:37
Speaker 1: as the peak of the end of that film. And
26:40
Speaker 1: the same goes for when you're feeling it in yourself.
26:43
Speaker 1: You think, if it's as good right now, it means
26:46
Speaker 1: that the rest of our lives together would be this good.
26:49
Speaker 1: But that's not the case. That's why I think it's
26:52
Speaker 1: really great that people spend a few years dating, you know, somebody,
26:57
Speaker 1: if they're like, I need to get to know this
26:58
Speaker 1: person good, so you should get to know them. I
27:00
Speaker 1: think it's great that people can move in together now
27:02
Speaker 1: before they marry somebody. I think all these things are
27:04
Speaker 1: really really good because you're like, I'm actually getting to
27:06
Speaker 1: know you. I want to see if our future could
27:08
Speaker 1: be as great as I think it's going to be
27:10
Speaker 1: at the start. And that's how you work it out.
27:12
Speaker 1: You learn about people, you get to know these people. Now,
27:15
Speaker 1: let's go through the stages off Limerens. The first one
27:17
Speaker 1: is infatuation. Okay, absolutely infatuated with this person. You see
27:21
Speaker 1: them for the first time, you see them on the
27:23
Speaker 1: app whatever, You're like, I'm done this person, this is amazing. Okay,
27:25
Speaker 1: So you're infatuated. Now there's this Gotman framework that you
27:29
Speaker 1: can look up, but it explains these different stages in limerens,
27:33
Speaker 1: and it explains to stage two as crystallization. So this
27:36
Speaker 1: is where you try and strengthen the relationship at all costs.
27:40
Speaker 1: So you're going to avoid any kind of rejection. You're
27:42
Speaker 1: going to make yourself into the best version as far
27:44
Speaker 1: as they're concerned that you can be in their eyes
27:47
Speaker 1: so that they're more likely to keep hanging out with
27:51
Speaker 1: you or seeing you whatever. So you're also going to
27:55
Speaker 1: make sure that you don't put yourself in any light
27:57
Speaker 1: that could turn them off, in which case you be
28:00
Speaker 1: editing so many things about yourself and trying to be like, oh,
28:02
Speaker 1: I can't say that, I can't do that, I can't
28:04
Speaker 1: show them that I do this weird hobby on the weekends.
28:05
Speaker 1: They're going to think I'm a freak. They're gonna this,
28:06
Speaker 1: They're gonna that. So I'm gonna edit myself. And then
28:10
Speaker 1: there is step three, the breakdown, And this is where
28:14
Speaker 1: sometimes you lose interest and are extremely disappointed in this
28:19
Speaker 1: person that they ended up not being anything like this
28:22
Speaker 1: image that they that you had set out, or what's
28:25
Speaker 1: probably way more common is that that person is not
28:29
Speaker 1: interested and does not reciprocate, and it feels like all
28:31
Speaker 1: the power has been taken away from you. You feel
28:33
Speaker 1: completely powerless, and therefore it feels extremely difficult to get
28:36
Speaker 1: over because you were convinced that it was the image
28:39
Speaker 1: of true love. Now, let's quickly break down some steps
28:43
Speaker 1: on what to do if you are dealing with these feelings.
28:45
Speaker 1: So the first thing you want to think about it's
28:47
Speaker 1: always about you and not the other person. There is
28:51
Speaker 1: nothing that they can say that will help you get
28:55
Speaker 1: over this. So a lot of the time people and
28:58
Speaker 1: I get asked this a lot. I'll go on such
29:01
Speaker 1: a great date with someone and then they weren't interested,
29:03
Speaker 1: they kind of fere like, oh no, or they just
29:05
Speaker 1: literally ghosted me after the date we met on a
29:08
Speaker 1: dating app. This is and I get this so often.
29:10
Speaker 1: So if you're experiencing this, it happens all the time.
29:12
Speaker 1: It's so fine. Even if you were the only person
29:14
Speaker 1: experiencing it, it's still fine. But it's really common. And
29:19
Speaker 1: when this happens a lot of people think, well, what
29:21
Speaker 1: do I do? I need to reach out, Like, I
29:23
Speaker 1: can't just let it go. I don't want to throw
29:25
Speaker 1: away the best date I've ever had in my life.
29:27
Speaker 1: I'm never going to have a date like this again.
29:28
Speaker 1: So now I need to like somehow like reach How
29:31
Speaker 1: can I see this person maybe or across paths with them?
29:33
Speaker 1: Maybe I can. This is all about you. There's no
29:36
Speaker 1: answer that this person could give you that would satisfy you.
29:38
Speaker 1: There's nothing other than them wanting to be with you.
29:42
Speaker 1: There's really nothing that you can do. And the reason
29:46
Speaker 1: why you're so caught up on this person again is
29:48
Speaker 1: because you've actually created an image of themselves in your head.
29:53
Speaker 1: The reason it was so perfect is because yes, you
29:55
Speaker 1: had a good encounter, but then you added GST on
29:58
Speaker 1: top of that and you're like, that's amazing, right when
30:02
Speaker 1: normally you'd be like, wow, that was great. Let's do
30:04
Speaker 1: a second time and see how good it is. And
30:06
Speaker 1: if that person then doesn't want it's like, well, obviously
30:08
Speaker 1: didn't read the room. Probably obviously was not that great.
30:10
Speaker 1: If this person doesn't want a second date. Part of
30:12
Speaker 1: a date being successful is that both people like each other.
30:15
Speaker 1: There's a difference between a successful date versus I thought
30:19
Speaker 1: you were amazing, but you actually didn't like me back,
30:21
Speaker 1: and I did not notice it at the time, but
30:23
Speaker 1: now that I know that you're not into me, it
30:25
Speaker 1: no longer makes for a successful date. I've experienced it too.
30:29
Speaker 1: I've gone on dates before when I'm like, oh my god,
30:31
Speaker 1: this is amazing, this is so great, this is perfect,
30:32
Speaker 1: this is everything, and then I don't hear from them again,
30:35
Speaker 1: and I was like, oh, okay, So clearly they didn't
30:40
Speaker 1: experience it the way that I did. Me chasing them
30:43
Speaker 1: down not going to change their mind. You're not here
30:45
Speaker 1: to change someone's mind. You're here to find well. Firstly,
30:49
Speaker 1: you don't even need to find someone, it's up to you.
30:51
Speaker 1: But you're here to encourage good matches and the matches
30:55
Speaker 1: that aren't good and strong, especially right at the start,
30:57
Speaker 1: you've got to let them go. So when you're feeling
30:59
Speaker 1: these feels of Limerens Number one always reminds you off,
31:02
Speaker 1: this is about me. It's not about that person. I've
31:05
Speaker 1: created this crazy image of them in their head. If
31:06
Speaker 1: I really knew them properly, I would have a much
31:09
Speaker 1: better rounded opinion of this person and our interaction with
31:13
Speaker 1: each other. But I actually don't know them. So a
31:15
Speaker 1: lot of my heartbreak is the loss of this dream
31:18
Speaker 1: that I held in my head. Whether it was for
31:20
Speaker 1: twenty four hours, it doesn't matter how short it is.
31:22
Speaker 1: We can fall very hard, very fast when we find
31:25
Speaker 1: someone that fits the brief to be our limberent. Object
31:29
Speaker 1: Number two self awareness and just be aware of yourself
31:33
Speaker 1: mindfulness in these moments. Okay, So when you're feeling like
31:37
Speaker 1: it's absolutely taking over, write things down. What's triggering this?
31:41
Speaker 1: Have I received a text? Have I not received a
31:44
Speaker 1: text at all? Is it a reply that I got
31:47
Speaker 1: that was a bit cold, and now I'm feeling like
31:48
Speaker 1: all these feelings? Is it that they completely ghosted me?
31:51
Speaker 1: Is that like when am I feeling at the like
31:54
Speaker 1: when it's super heightened? Name it toertainment. You've got to
31:58
Speaker 1: start writing things down. It If you don't want to
32:00
Speaker 1: write it down, just be aware and note it in
32:03
Speaker 1: your mind, being like, okay, this is what triggered this feeling.
32:05
Speaker 1: Right now, I walked past the cafe that we met,
32:08
Speaker 1: and now my heart is racing. I feel really okay,
32:10
Speaker 1: I'm just unnoting it. I'm noting it. I'm allowing the
32:12
Speaker 1: logical part of my mind to kind of talk to
32:15
Speaker 1: my emotional part of my mind. I'm just being aware.
32:19
Speaker 1: That helps. So much. Just this awareness. Don't avoid. Don't
32:22
Speaker 1: be like, oh, I'm feeling anxious, but now I'm going
32:23
Speaker 1: to avoid, because then you start to increase these intense
32:27
Speaker 1: emotions towards these things instead of like calming these intense
32:31
Speaker 1: emotions down. Okay, Number three, you need to limit checking behaviors.
32:37
Speaker 1: Don't go on their social media under no circumstance, under
32:40
Speaker 1: no circumstance. Stop reading over messages between you and that person,
32:43
Speaker 1: because you're going to start looking for clues. One of
32:45
Speaker 1: the main things when you're feeling themerents is looking for clues.
32:48
Speaker 1: People will go on three dates with somebody and then
32:52
Speaker 1: the person will tune out, tap out, ghost them, whatever,
32:56
Speaker 1: and then you'll be looking over text messages being like,
32:58
Speaker 1: but they said that we should go on a week
33:01
Speaker 1: and away, so maybe they just need time because they
33:05
Speaker 1: clearly last week suggested a weeken away. So then and
33:09
Speaker 1: then you go fucking nuts because you're like, this person
33:12
Speaker 1: said this, and if this person was the ideal version
33:15
Speaker 1: that I had created with them in my head, then
33:16
Speaker 1: of course we're going to go on this weekend away.
33:17
Speaker 1: And why would they? Why would they? Because you don't
33:19
Speaker 1: know them, and people talk shit and people say shit
33:22
Speaker 1: that they don't mean and people are fucked okay, And
33:24
Speaker 1: unfortunately you might have had an encounter with someone who's fucked,
33:27
Speaker 1: but you're not factoring that into the realm of possibility
33:31
Speaker 1: because them being fucked wouldn't fit into the image that
33:33
Speaker 1: you've created of them in your head. And I've been there,
33:36
Speaker 1: so I know. So limit the checking behavior, stop reading
33:40
Speaker 1: of a text message to stop. It's done. It's done,
33:42
Speaker 1: it's done, it's done. Okay. Number four, focus on doing
33:47
Speaker 1: more things for yourself. This is the time where you're like,
33:49
Speaker 1: all right, instead of me just sitting here and feeling
33:52
Speaker 1: a lot of pain and thinking it's never gona happen again,
33:54
Speaker 1: instead think, look, that was a great connection. Initially, I
33:57
Speaker 1: don't actually know this person, but it was a good connection,
33:59
Speaker 1: which means that, like, what are the chances that out
34:02
Speaker 1: of the eight billion people that they are in this world,
34:03
Speaker 1: I met the one for me in the same city
34:06
Speaker 1: and we had this connection. No, that's pretty that's not
34:08
Speaker 1: the case. There's a lot of people out there that
34:10
Speaker 1: you can have a good connection with, Okay, a lot.
34:14
Speaker 1: So you look at that and you're like, all right,
34:15
Speaker 1: this is an example of a good connection. I can
34:17
Speaker 1: have more good connections instead of thinking that was the
34:20
Speaker 1: only one and then never again. You're thinking more of this,
34:23
Speaker 1: more of this, more of this. But in the meantime,
34:26
Speaker 1: I'm not going to sit here and experience a void.
34:29
Speaker 1: I'm going to do something with my time. I'm going
34:31
Speaker 1: to do something with the time that i'd be like
34:33
Speaker 1: festering in my mind about this person. I'm going to
34:36
Speaker 1: be now engaging in these other things that I really
34:38
Speaker 1: enjoy doing. I'm going to start picking up an old
34:40
Speaker 1: hobby or do doing things for myself, really lean into
34:44
Speaker 1: doing things for myself that I like. Number five, you're
34:47
Speaker 1: going to focus on other things that make you feel
34:49
Speaker 1: good about yourself, like past achievements, your other relationships that
34:52
Speaker 1: are going really well, friendships, all of that. Number six.
34:56
Speaker 1: Find ways of validating yourself without seeking the approval of
35:00
Speaker 1: other people. Okay, because approval, I think it's important that
35:04
Speaker 1: the really people, the really close people to you, of course,
35:08
Speaker 1: are validating you by being like, yes, I love you,
35:10
Speaker 1: Yes I want to be in your life where friends,
35:12
Speaker 1: we're family or whatever. But you should also really be
35:15
Speaker 1: the primary source of validation. So that's where you're doing
35:20
Speaker 1: behaviors that aren't going to increase your self esteem where
35:22
Speaker 1: you look back at your life and be like, this
35:24
Speaker 1: is a really good decision. That was a great decision
35:26
Speaker 1: for myself. This is really you know what I did
35:28
Speaker 1: here for myself, and you're validating the things that you've
35:32
Speaker 1: done for yourself in the past. You're doing things that
35:35
Speaker 1: you know. Make a decision where you don't ask anyone's
35:37
Speaker 1: opinion on it feels good, you know, like I really
35:40
Speaker 1: want to go on this trip, but maybe I should
35:41
Speaker 1: ask my friend, Maybe it's not a good time for
35:43
Speaker 1: Maybe book the trip, go alone, Okay, things like that,
35:46
Speaker 1: like go do this thing, purchase the thing, sign up
35:49
Speaker 1: for this courts. Don't ask for people's opinion on a
35:51
Speaker 1: couple of things, and notice your self esteem start to improve. Okay,
35:56
Speaker 1: Then you start feeling better and better about yourself. And
35:58
Speaker 1: when you feel good about yourself, you feel a lot
36:00
Speaker 1: better about you know, heartbreak or this limerent feeling that
36:06
Speaker 1: you're feeling. Number seven. Just be aware of your attachment
36:11
Speaker 1: styles because this might also play into it. And if
36:13
Speaker 1: you're interested, I have an episode on attachment theory, So
36:16
Speaker 1: just go into the podcasting and search in the bar
36:18
Speaker 1: attachment theory and it will come up, and that will
36:20
Speaker 1: give you a bit of an insight into how you
36:22
Speaker 1: operate because this sometimes sometimes it doesn't play a role,
36:25
Speaker 1: because if you're like anxious attached, you might be falling
36:28
Speaker 1: a lot faster for this limerence kind of feeling than
36:32
Speaker 1: other people maybe. But you know, I dare myself to
36:36
Speaker 1: be extremely securely attached, and I've fallen for it as well,
36:39
Speaker 1: so it doesn't necessarily work. Also, constantly remind yourself that
36:44
Speaker 1: you are in love with an image of someone and
36:46
Speaker 1: not that person because you don't actually know them well enough, okay,
36:50
Speaker 1: And this actually helps rationalize your feelings. It helps talk
36:53
Speaker 1: you down off that ledge of like anxiety and stress.
36:57
Speaker 1: You also want to, you know, win when you look
37:00
Speaker 1: at an encounter that was so good or relationship that
37:03
Speaker 1: was so good limerent or not. Fifty percent at least
37:07
Speaker 1: of the goodness of that encounter that relationship was you. Okay,
37:11
Speaker 1: So you brought so much to that table, and when
37:14
Speaker 1: that person walks out of your life, they haven't taken
37:16
Speaker 1: all the good that you've brought to the table. You
37:18
Speaker 1: still retain all that good that you bring to the table.
37:21
Speaker 1: So don't give the person all the credit. You can
37:24
Speaker 1: take some of that credit too. The reason we had
37:26
Speaker 1: such a good time is because of fucking me as well.
37:30
Speaker 1: If I was a fucking brick wall, we would not
37:33
Speaker 1: have had a good time. Okay, So I bring things
37:36
Speaker 1: to the table. I also was having a good time.
37:38
Speaker 1: I also incapable of doing all these good things. The
37:41
Speaker 1: same goes like when I look at past relationships when
37:43
Speaker 1: I used to like struggle getting over them. Sometimes I'd
37:45
Speaker 1: remind myself, wait a minute, A lot of those good times,
37:48
Speaker 1: would you to me? So I still have it. I
37:50
Speaker 1: haven't lost that. I still carried this and I can
37:52
Speaker 1: bring those good times to another relationship and I will
37:55
Speaker 1: thank you very much. So remind yourself of those things,
37:58
Speaker 1: and it makes you be like, I'm not completely powerless.
38:01
Speaker 1: I was in control of a bunch of those things. Yes,
38:03
Speaker 1: it's limerens, but that's okay. I can take the power
38:05
Speaker 1: back and I can use that energy that I had
38:08
Speaker 1: into another relationship where I, you know, take my time
38:11
Speaker 1: and get to know this person. And then the last
38:13
Speaker 1: thing is learn from this encounter with someone to learn
38:19
Speaker 1: what you're like deepest desires and needs and wants are.
38:23
Speaker 1: Sometimes you can learn quite a bit from this experience
38:26
Speaker 1: you know, sometimes you'd be like, all right, I made
38:28
Speaker 1: this person up in my head. But but I really
38:32
Speaker 1: loved how social they were. I loved that they could
38:34
Speaker 1: talk to anyone. I loved that they were like they
38:36
Speaker 1: would make friends with anyone that they met, and I
38:38
Speaker 1: really liked Okay, great, great, that's a trait that I
38:40
Speaker 1: really like. You know, what are actual traits in this person?
38:44
Speaker 1: And you're like, yeah, I liked that, because it's good
38:45
Speaker 1: to identify that, and it's good to be like, this
38:48
Speaker 1: is something I like, and a I could look out
38:50
Speaker 1: for that in other people in the future, or even better,
38:54
Speaker 1: be how much of the stuff that I liked about
38:56
Speaker 1: that person can I do myself if that person was
39:00
Speaker 1: super charismatic and I just wish a lot of the
39:02
Speaker 1: time your wishes in a relationship with wishes for yourself.
39:05
Speaker 1: Sometimes we gravitate to really charismatic people, either because we
39:08
Speaker 1: are charismatic or we wish we were charismatic. So sometimes
39:12
Speaker 1: it's like, maybe I'll just put myself out there and
39:14
Speaker 1: be a bit more social. Maybe I'll start saying yes too,
39:16
Speaker 1: or maybe maybe I'll be the one inviting people. If
39:18
Speaker 1: you're someone that never invites people and you're like, Wow,
39:20
Speaker 1: it's so cooled that they just I'm going to start
39:22
Speaker 1: doing that, or they're so driven. I loved how driven
39:25
Speaker 1: they were. I'm going to start being more driven. There's
39:27
Speaker 1: a lot of things that you can learn. Every encounter
39:31
Speaker 1: serves as a lesson. So instead of looking at it's like,
39:33
Speaker 1: oh my god, it's just limerens. You know, I was delusional. Okay, yeah,
39:37
Speaker 1: a little bit delusional. We've all been there. But you
39:39
Speaker 1: can also be like, okay, delusion aside, what can I
39:43
Speaker 1: learn from this? What can I take from this? Make
39:45
Speaker 1: this useful? Like, make this fucking person that goes to
39:48
Speaker 1: you useful in your life? What did I like about you?
39:52
Speaker 1: What traits can I bring on in my own life?
39:55
Speaker 1: And what didn't I like about it? And then it
39:59
Speaker 1: really like kind of helps you make that person human
40:03
Speaker 1: again and put them, you know, take them off the
40:05
Speaker 1: pedestal and be like they're just a human just like
40:07
Speaker 1: I am. Okay, they've got traits that I also could have,
40:09
Speaker 1: and they've got traits that a lot of people also have.
40:12
Speaker 1: Those are the eight points, hopefully or nine points. So
40:15
Speaker 1: hopefully that helped if you're feeling that you're going through Limerens.
40:20
Speaker 1: Even just understanding what Limerence is helps a lot. I know,
40:23
Speaker 1: when I first realized what it was, it was like, oh,
40:27
Speaker 1: I actually felt relieved. I was I actually felt like, Oh,
40:29
Speaker 1: it's actually like a thing that people go through, and
40:32
Speaker 1: you know, it's true. I don't actually know this person,
40:34
Speaker 1: and I'm really more mourning an imagination than an actual
40:39
Speaker 1: person because they didn't really have that true connection that
40:42
Speaker 1: I thought could happen. Okay, guys, thank you so much
40:46
Speaker 1: for listening to this episode. As always, remember i'd be
40:49
Speaker 1: kind to yourself, be kind to your brain, don't take
40:51
Speaker 1: shit from anyone, and especially don't take shit from yourself.
40:54
Speaker 1: Dunk