Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #506 I'll Do Better Tomorrow

Transcript

#506 I'll Do Better Tomorrow · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

• 0:03
  Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast. It's the podcast for the
• 0:07
  Speaker 1: time poor parent who just wants answers.
• 0:10
  Speaker 2: Now, I think that the reality is we need to
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  Speaker 2: recognize it and understand that our kids a human and
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  Speaker 2: they're going to get it wrong just like we do.
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  Speaker 1: And now here's the stars of our show, my mom
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  Speaker 1: and dad.
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  Speaker 3: Hello, this is doctor Justin Colson. I'm here with my wife, Kylie.
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  Speaker 3: I'm the founder of Happy Families dot com, dot you
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  Speaker 3: and the author of six books about raising happy families.
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  Speaker 3: And Kylie we parents to six children, six baby girls.
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  Speaker 3: I've got a question for you. I'm a little bit
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  Speaker 3: confused about something that happened just recently in our family.
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  Speaker 3: I'm trying to work out if I'm a good parent
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  Speaker 3: or not. Got a phone call from one of the
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  Speaker 3: kids and she said, Dad, I left my iPad. I'm
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  Speaker 3: the charger and if I don't have it at school today,
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  Speaker 3: I can't submit my assignment. And if I don't submit
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  Speaker 3: my assignment, I might fail and I don't want to fail.
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  Speaker 3: And can you please bring me my iPad the school?
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  Speaker 3: And I'm trying to work out is that good parenting
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  Speaker 3: that I did it? Or is that bad parenting? Because
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  Speaker 3: kids have got to learn to be responsible for themselves.
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  Speaker 4: Well, I guess that depends whether I'm a good parent
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  Speaker 4: or a bad parent.
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  Speaker 2: Because I had to take Miss ten to office works
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  Speaker 2: this morning because she needed a piece of cardboard and
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  Speaker 2: she couldn't go to school without that piece of cardboard.
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  Speaker 3: So while I was running iPads to one school, you
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  Speaker 3: were taking another child to office works. What is it
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  Speaker 3: with kids? Why can they not remember stuff and tell
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  Speaker 3: us about it the day before, Like.
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  Speaker 4: It only becomes urgent when it's urgent.
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  Speaker 3: Okay, that doesn't answer my question good parent or bad parent?
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  Speaker 3: Because I feel like I get a gold star. I
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  Speaker 3: feel like I've been a good parent if I look
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  Speaker 3: after my children and save them from the emergencies that
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  Speaker 3: they've created.
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  Speaker 2: Look, I feel like there's another podcast episode in this
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  Speaker 2: that's a pop out.
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  Speaker 4: I just want to enough. But isn't it.
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  Speaker 3: It's this tension. We'll have to talk about it later,
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  Speaker 3: But there's this tension where you want your children to
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  Speaker 3: learn to be responsible and therefore that might mean facing
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  Speaker 3: the consequences of their decisions from time to time. But
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  Speaker 3: at the same time, when they really need something, you
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  Speaker 3: kind of just have to go and help them. Right.
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  Speaker 2: Look, I'm going to put you in the hot seat
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  Speaker 2: for a second, but I have had numerous phone calls
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  Speaker 2: in our time together where you may have left a suitcase.
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  Speaker 4: Behind or.
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  Speaker 2: You let's talk about laptop chords and charges that have
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  Speaker 2: been left behind, and I might have had to do
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  Speaker 2: a number of runs to either.
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  Speaker 4: The airport or you've probably to me I've.
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  Speaker 2: Gone down the coast a few times because you desperately
• 2:25
  Speaker 2: needed something. So I think that the reality is we
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  Speaker 2: need to recognize it and understand that our kid's a
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  Speaker 2: human and they're going to.
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  Speaker 4: Get it wrong just like we do.
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  Speaker 3: I'm really grateful that you said that. It's a beautiful
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  Speaker 3: point something that I remember reading in a book by
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  Speaker 3: Heim Ginnott. I think it was Who's one of the
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  Speaker 3: one of the best writers on parenting ever to ever
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  Speaker 3: to walk the planet, And Ginnott says, if a friend
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  Speaker 3: a neighbor comes to visit and when they leave the house,
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  Speaker 3: they leave their umbrella behind because it was raining when
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  Speaker 3: they arrived. If they leave their umbrella behind because it's
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  Speaker 3: cleared up, you don't chase them out the door and say,
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  Speaker 3: for goodness sakes, how how hard is it to remember
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  Speaker 3: your umbrella. I mean, gosh, you're an adult for crying
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  Speaker 3: out loud. I would have thought that I shouldn't need
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  Speaker 3: to remind you about these sorts of things. And if
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  Speaker 3: we wouldn't do it to our neighbors or our friends,
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  Speaker 3: we probably shouldn't do it to our kids. And you've
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  Speaker 3: just put me right in there. Well done. But we
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  Speaker 3: both went and looked after our kids. So I'm going
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  Speaker 3: to say that's a gold staff for us, and we
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  Speaker 3: are good parents. But we've still got to have the
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  Speaker 3: conversation with our children about helping them to not make
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  Speaker 3: that mistake too often. Is that reasonable?
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  Speaker 2: Look, the reality is some days we just can't do it,
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  Speaker 2: and that's part of the story as well.
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  Speaker 4: But today we were able to.
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  Speaker 3: Yeah, okay, well this is I'll do better tomorrow. The
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  Speaker 3: purpose of today's podcast is for us to reflect on
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  Speaker 3: the way that we could learn from the week that's
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  Speaker 3: just been and that wasn't actually what we're supposed to
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  Speaker 3: be talking about. We both had reflections this week, things
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  Speaker 3: that we've learned about being a parent, things that we
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  Speaker 3: might do better next week with or better tomorrow with
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  Speaker 3: because of the experiences we've had. That's what Fridays are
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  Speaker 3: all about. So I think that I might share my
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  Speaker 3: I'll do better tomorrow, first today and then because your
• 4:01
  Speaker 3: ones are always better. Your ones always make people cry
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  Speaker 3: and make people go oh, Kytie's just the best mom ever.
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  Speaker 3: So I'm going to share mine first out.
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  Speaker 4: Okay, you're hilarious.
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  Speaker 3: The other night you had a meeting on and because
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  Speaker 3: you had that meeting, I had to take all of
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  Speaker 3: the children to music lessons, but only two of them
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  Speaker 3: were actually having music lessons.
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  Speaker 2: I'm not pulling the violins out because for the last
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  Speaker 2: two weeks I've had to do exactly the same thing,
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  Speaker 2: because you've left me.
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  Speaker 4: I've been away.
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  Speaker 3: I've been working, I know. So I piled five children
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  Speaker 3: into the car and one of them really didn't want
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  Speaker 3: to get in the car at all. So we've driven
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  Speaker 3: down the street. Then I've realized that she didn't have
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  Speaker 3: her seatbelt on. She was so obstinate in her refusal
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  Speaker 3: and so vocal in her I hate fair all that
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  Speaker 3: carry on, that she refused to put a seatbelt on.
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  Speaker 3: So I stopped after about eight hundred meters getting down
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  Speaker 3: the road when I realized that that was the case,
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  Speaker 3: and I thought, I've got this.
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  Speaker 4: I've got this.
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  Speaker 3: Moment now where I've got to try and get.
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  Speaker 4: It all right.
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  Speaker 3: So I did something that we haven't had to do
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  Speaker 3: for ages. I got out of the car. I opened
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  Speaker 3: the door. I asked her to get out of the
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  Speaker 3: car with me and walked her over to the footpath.
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  Speaker 3: I stood her on the footpath and then I knelt
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  Speaker 3: down in front of her. I gave her a great,
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  Speaker 3: big hug, and I said to her, you are just
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  Speaker 3: having the worst afternoon, and you wish so much that
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  Speaker 3: you did not have to go to music lessons while
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  Speaker 3: your sisters are there. And she looked at me, and man,
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  Speaker 3: she was so cranky. She was pushing back. She was like,
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  Speaker 3: I don't even want to hug. I'm like, okay, well
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  Speaker 3: you don't have to hug me, but I know you
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  Speaker 3: don't want to be there. And something happened really soon,
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  Speaker 3: really quickly. I took about thirty seconds and she calmed down.
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  Speaker 3: She knew that I got it, she knew that I
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  Speaker 3: was taking it serious enough that we'd pulled the car
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  Speaker 3: over to talk about it. Meantime, we're running late for
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  Speaker 3: music lessons, and I'm thinking, oh, for goodness sakes, I
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  Speaker 3: don't have time for this. But After about thirty seconds,
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  Speaker 3: she got into the car, she put her seatbelt on,
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  Speaker 3: she stopped crying, and.
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  Speaker 4: We drove happily to music lessons.
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  Speaker 3: I just felt like when we talk about old do
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  Speaker 3: better tomorrow, every now and again we get it right.
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  Speaker 3: And I just think that maybe as parents we could
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  Speaker 3: be a little more patient, a little bit more understanding.
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  Speaker 3: There's still a certain demand placed on the kids. They've
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  Speaker 3: got to get back in the car and we've got
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  Speaker 3: to go to music lessons. But when we do it
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  Speaker 3: with compassion and kindness, we just get better results.
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  Speaker 4: I love that story.
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  Speaker 3: Can I tell you what happened later, because it kind
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  Speaker 3: of went downhill from there once I dropped the two
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  Speaker 3: kids off to their different music lessons, which are obviously
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  Speaker 3: in the same building. At the same time, I said
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  Speaker 3: to the other kids that were in the car, let's
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  Speaker 3: go to the park. There's a park around the corner.
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  Speaker 3: I drove them to the park. When it was time
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  Speaker 3: to leave the park, same child wouldn't leave the park.
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  Speaker 3: I'm getting attacked by mosquitos. It's dark, you know, the
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  Speaker 3: night has fallen, and she's running away from me in
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  Speaker 3: the park and hiding in places where I can't reach
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  Speaker 3: her without climbing into or over or on top of
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  Speaker 3: the children's playground. I wasn't I wasn't quite as patient
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  Speaker 3: that time. I meant, I didn't do anything horrible, but
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  Speaker 3: I really I had to eventually I had to kind
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  Speaker 3: of tackle her and carry her, screaming and kicking to
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  Speaker 3: the car and non consensually put her in the car
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  Speaker 3: and put her seatbelt on and say we're going because
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  Speaker 3: there's two kids waiting at the end of their music lessons.
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  Speaker 3: So we It was a win and a loss.
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  Speaker 4: But I think it's maybe you should have started list
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  Speaker 4: left it at the first story. I know, I felt
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  Speaker 4: like such a good parent.
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  Speaker 3: Why I just spoiled it? But I think that's the really,
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  Speaker 3: that's the reality of parenting, right where you have these
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  Speaker 3: good moments and then you have these terrible moments, just
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  Speaker 3: moments later, where you think, oh my goodness, it's so hard.
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  Speaker 2: I really love how you know, Fridays, we don't actually
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  Speaker 2: even prep this together.
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  Speaker 4: We don't know what each other's going to share.
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  Speaker 2: And my story really supports your story today, So let's
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  Speaker 2: talk about that after the break.
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  Speaker 3: Family life is pretty tough going. Sometimes most days are
• 7:37
  Speaker 3: a struggle between strong willed children and frazzled parents, but.
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  Speaker 4: It can be better.
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  Speaker 3: The twenty one Days to a Happier Family program is
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  Speaker 3: designed for busy parents who want a calmer, happier family,
• 7:49
  Speaker 3: and it can be done with evidence based strategies and
• 7:52
  Speaker 3: practices that really work in twenty one days. All resources
• 7:56
  Speaker 3: are available for your family for twenty one Days to
• 7:58
  Speaker 3: a Happier Family Happy families dot com dot au.
• 8:02
  Speaker 4: It's the Happy Famili's podcast.
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  Speaker 2: So the podcast for the time poor parent who just
• 8:06
  Speaker 2: wants answers now, and today is Friday. It's our favorite
• 8:09
  Speaker 2: day of the week. We get to share our insights
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  Speaker 2: from the things that we've learned through the week in
• 8:14
  Speaker 2: our parenting journey.
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  Speaker 3: Quick question before we talk about your old do better
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  Speaker 3: tomorrow moment, what's to take my message from mine is
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  Speaker 3: that when the children are not behaving that we sometimes
• 8:24
  Speaker 3: just need to wrestle them into the car. Or is
• 8:26
  Speaker 3: it when the children are not behaving we sometimes need
• 8:28
  Speaker 3: to stop the car and hug them or or both.
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  Speaker 2: I'm going to suggest let's collect the gold flex, let's
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  Speaker 2: let's celebrate the wins, because there are plenty of not
• 8:37
  Speaker 2: wins we're going to lose along the way, but let's
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  Speaker 2: focus on those wins.
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  Speaker 4: I've got a bit.
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  Speaker 3: It did feel good when I got it right, it
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  Speaker 3: did feel good, and when I got it wrong an
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  Speaker 3: hour later, it felt like it really felt bad. And
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  Speaker 3: I thought to myself, Ah, how hard is it to
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  Speaker 3: get it right consistently, even when you're the expert. Anyway,
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  Speaker 3: what's your old do better tomorrow?
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  Speaker 2: I realized the other day, I've actually now read, officially
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  Speaker 2: read of your six books.
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  Speaker 4: I'm getting there. If you are, I'm getting there.
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  Speaker 2: One of the things that jumped out at me was
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  Speaker 2: literally just this tiny little line in the book which said,
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  Speaker 2: autonomy supportive parenting is hard work.
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  Speaker 4: It's hard work.
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  Speaker 3: And the book is Nine Ways to a Resilient Child.
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  Speaker 3: It's I think it's the third book that I wrote,
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  Speaker 3: and it's all about resilience, and it's one of the
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  Speaker 3: best selling books about kids and resilience in the country
• 9:23
  Speaker 3: over the last few years.
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  Speaker 2: So many times as a parent, I feel like I
• 9:27
  Speaker 2: must be getting it wrong, because this is just so hard,
• 9:32
  Speaker 2: and just.
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  Speaker 4: Like your experience with one of our children the other night.
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  Speaker 2: You get it right, and then within five or ten
• 9:38
  Speaker 2: minutes or an hour later, you've got it wrong again.
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  Speaker 4: And it just feels like you're hitting your head against
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  Speaker 4: a brick wall all the time.
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  Speaker 2: And I was so grateful that I just read that
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  Speaker 2: one little line because it kind of just put everything
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  Speaker 2: into perspective again and helped me to remember that this
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  Speaker 2: job that we do, we call parenting, is not easy
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  Speaker 2: for any of us.
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  Speaker 4: And it doesn't matter what's in our toolkit. It's still hard.
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  Speaker 2: And we've got this full toolkit and we know the
• 10:04
  Speaker 2: things that we should do, and yet it is still
• 10:06
  Speaker 2: just hard work. And so as I kind of just
• 10:10
  Speaker 2: lived into that moment, it was an opportunity for me
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  Speaker 2: to just take a step back, give myself a pat
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  Speaker 2: on the back, and so, you know what, you're doing
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  Speaker 2: a great job. This is hard, but it's supposed to
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  Speaker 2: be hard. And as we involve our children in that
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  Speaker 2: parenting process, and as we let them be a part
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  Speaker 2: of their destiny, so to speak, their lives, they get
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  Speaker 2: to be in charge of it. In some way, We're
• 10:32
  Speaker 2: going to come up against hard things, but that's part
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  Speaker 2: of the process. We're helping them to become the people
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  Speaker 2: that we want them to be and that they want
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  Speaker 2: to become, and that requires effort.
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  Speaker 3: What I've also noticed is that when we are doing
• 10:46
  Speaker 3: parenting right, it is really really hard, because children have
• 10:51
  Speaker 3: ways of being that are not consistent with how we
• 10:54
  Speaker 3: want them to be being. When we get it consistently right, though,
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  Speaker 3: it gets easier even when the times are tough. They
• 11:01
  Speaker 3: are easier than if we are not stepping up, if
• 11:05
  Speaker 3: we are being overly controlling, if we're not being warm
• 11:08
  Speaker 3: and kind and compassionate. There's something extraordinary that comes from
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  Speaker 3: being kind and caring, but also being really clear about
• 11:16
  Speaker 3: what those limits are and letting the children know that
• 11:18
  Speaker 3: there are certain expectations. And I think that's really at
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  Speaker 3: the essence of what autonomy supportive parenting, which is an
• 11:24
  Speaker 3: I think the gold standard in terms of parenting styles.
• 11:27
  Speaker 3: When we look at the idea of authoritative parenting, which
• 11:31
  Speaker 3: is widely sprut as the gold standard, what authoritative parenting
• 11:35
  Speaker 3: really is is number one supportiveness and warmth and nurture
• 11:41
  Speaker 3: combined with demanding this and limits and structure along with
• 11:47
  Speaker 3: autonomy support This is the way that the very best
• 11:51
  Speaker 3: parenting textbooks have described the very best parenting since the
• 11:54
  Speaker 3: nineteen fifties, nineteen sixties, and now here we are in
• 11:57
  Speaker 3: the twenty twenties and the rules haven't changed, the parenting
• 12:00
  Speaker 3: science hasn't changed, and that's I think that's a really
• 12:04
  Speaker 3: great insight. So your take home message after mine is
• 12:06
  Speaker 3: it's easier that it's hard and someone as we're doing
• 12:08
  Speaker 3: the best, we're going to make mistakes. But let's take
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  Speaker 3: the gold flex. What's your take home message?
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  Speaker 2: I think for me, it's just the acknowledgment that sometimes
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  Speaker 2: things are going to be hard. Family life is messy,
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  Speaker 2: but that if we are striving to be the support
• 12:24
  Speaker 2: that our children need to be, that we're doing the
• 12:27
  Speaker 2: best we can and we just need to take a
• 12:29
  Speaker 2: step back, give ourselves a pat on the back and
• 12:31
  Speaker 2: move forward.
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  Speaker 3: Yeah, just because it's hard doesn't mean you're doing it wrong.
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  Speaker 3: Sometimes it actually means the opposite, you're doing it absolutely right.
• 12:37
  Speaker 3: Have We really hope that you enjoy the podcast. If
• 12:39
  Speaker 3: you do, please jump onto Apple Podcasts or wherever you
• 12:42
  Speaker 3: get your podcasts and leave ratings and reviews so that
• 12:43
  Speaker 3: people can find out about the podcast. The more ratings
• 12:46
  Speaker 3: and reviews there are, the more people that get to
• 12:47
  Speaker 3: find out about the podcast, and the happier people's families become.
• 12:51
  Speaker 3: We really appreciate the work of Justin Rulan from Bridge Media,
• 12:53
  Speaker 3: who produces the Happy Families podcast. Our executive producer is
• 12:56
  Speaker 3: Craig Bruce. If you'd like more info about making your
• 12:59
  Speaker 3: family happy, whether it's joining in with the Happy Families
• 13:02
  Speaker 3: membership or I don't know, just getting more support for
• 13:06
  Speaker 3: making your family happier, you can get all the info
• 13:08
  Speaker 3: you need at happy families dot com dot au