Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #475 Conspiracy Theory Chaos
Transcript
- 0:03Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast.
- 0:05Speaker 2: It's the podcast for the time poor parent who just
- 0:09Speaker 2: on answers.
- 0:10Speaker 1: Now, And I think that as a parent of those
- 0:12Speaker 1: young children, you're well within your rights to politely say hey,
- 0:16Speaker 1: just before you go on with that particular line of conversation.
- 0:19Speaker 1: I know this a bit awkward, but we're not actually
- 0:22Speaker 1: into talking about that. And now here's the stars of
- 0:25Speaker 1: our show, my mum and dad. We love it when
- 0:28Speaker 1: you send us emails via podcasts at happy families dot
- 0:31Speaker 1: com and ask us your questions. We can't answer them all,
- 0:33Speaker 1: but now and then we get an absolute doozy that
- 0:35Speaker 1: we just have to talk about on the podcast. An
- 0:37Speaker 1: anonymous emailer has said, I've been listening to your podcasts
- 0:41Speaker 1: off and on for a little while, but more regularly lately.
- 0:44Speaker 1: I find your advice realistic and therefore is actually helpful
- 0:47Speaker 1: rather than make me feel like a failure. How nice
- 0:50Speaker 1: is that, Kylie. We're actually helping somebody. Thank goodness for that. Right.
- 0:55Speaker 1: This person says, how do we talk to our kids
- 0:57Speaker 1: respectfully about family members that have conspiracy theory? School holidays
- 1:01Speaker 1: is just around the corner. We're going to spend some
- 1:02Speaker 1: time with our family and We have grandparents on my
- 1:07Speaker 1: side and an auntie that are deep into conspiracy theories
- 1:12Speaker 1: that I won't go into. We do live away from them,
- 1:14Speaker 1: which means that usually isn't an issue. However, we're kind
- 1:17Speaker 1: of visiting. We're going to be visiting them during the holidays,
- 1:19Speaker 1: and I want to know how to handle this, Well,
- 1:21Speaker 1: how do I talk openly with my kids about this
- 1:24Speaker 1: without them thinking that my family is crazy. I want
- 1:29Speaker 1: them to have a respect for relationship with that person
- 1:31Speaker 1: without taking their opinions on board. And this is the thing, right,
- 1:34Speaker 1: Sometimes the grandparents, or the aunties, or the uncles, sometimes
- 1:36Speaker 1: the family members, Kylie, they they kind of dive in
- 1:39Speaker 1: and say, kids, I know you're on the eight, but
- 1:41Speaker 1: I need to tell you something important about the world.
- 1:43Speaker 1: It's messed up, and then they dive into their weird stuff.
- 1:46Speaker 1: You and I have had this happen with a couple
- 1:48Speaker 1: of our kids, and it gets kind of tricky.
- 1:51Speaker 2: Yeah, And I think usually I would be kind of
- 1:54Speaker 2: suggesting that whole idea around getting furious and not curious.
- 1:58Speaker 1: And sorry, I just need to repeat what you said,
- 2:01Speaker 1: because I think you might have gotten back to the front.
- 2:03Speaker 1: You said, We've got to get furious not curious. In
- 2:05Speaker 1: other words, let's just blow up.
- 2:07Speaker 2: I did not you wait curious, not furious.
- 2:10Speaker 1: You wait until we hear the replay on this, and
- 2:12Speaker 1: you're going to discover that you got around the wrong way.
- 2:15Speaker 2: I don't think I did anyway, go.
- 2:17Speaker 1: On, I know what you mean. You may get curious,
- 2:19Speaker 1: not furious. How funny is it going to be? By
- 2:20Speaker 1: the way, if it gets replayed, We're not going to
- 2:22Speaker 1: edit this out. If it gets replayed and you're right
- 2:25Speaker 1: and I'm wrong, I'm going to apologize.
- 2:27Speaker 2: I will be groveling that whole idea around getting furious,
- 2:31Speaker 2: not curious, furious not curious.
- 2:39Speaker 1: This is kind of aligned with the conversation. This wasn't
- 2:42Speaker 1: a setup. But what if your belief is wrong, Kylie?
- 2:45Speaker 1: How are you going to respond when you hear that I.
- 2:47Speaker 2: Was right, You're not right?
- 2:49Speaker 1: How do we get people to take notice, to think again,
- 2:52Speaker 1: to change their mind? This is fascinating, isn't. When one
- 2:55Speaker 1: person and it fits in so well with the conspiracy
- 2:58Speaker 1: theory conversation, You've just created it for us. How do
- 3:01Speaker 1: you have the tricky conversation so that they're open to
- 3:03Speaker 1: hearing that maybe a different point of view might be helpful. Now.
- 3:07Speaker 1: I know conspiracy theorists are also listening to this and
- 3:09Speaker 1: saying it's not a conspiracy, and if everyone would just
- 3:11Speaker 1: be more open to it, they'd realize that I was right.
- 3:13Speaker 1: We're also convinced, aren't we, that our opinions are right? Anyway, Kylie,
- 3:19Speaker 1: Let's just focus on the adult side of things for
- 3:21Speaker 1: a sec.
- 3:21Speaker 2: Okay, we've got I think the reality is we live
- 3:25Speaker 2: in a world that is full of different opinions. We're
- 3:27Speaker 2: going to come across someone who has a different opinion
- 3:30Speaker 2: with us, probably every I don't know, every hour of
- 3:34Speaker 2: every day.
- 3:35Speaker 1: Well if you're on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, only that every
- 3:38Speaker 1: couple of minutes, and what happens is people do get furious,
- 3:41Speaker 1: not curious, don't they.
- 3:43Speaker 2: They do. So I have a few tips now as
- 3:47Speaker 2: we work through this situation.
- 3:49Speaker 1: Okay, all right, let me recover while you share your tips,
- 3:51Speaker 1: and let's see. Let's see how much they coincide with
- 3:55Speaker 1: the kinds of things that I would say. I wonder
- 3:56Speaker 1: if there's a conspiracy operating right now? What do you reckon?
- 3:59Speaker 2: If adults, it's important that when we have a differing
- 4:02Speaker 2: opinion that we stay calm.
- 4:05Speaker 1: Did you feel like you stayed calm when you said furious,
- 4:08Speaker 1: not curious, and I corrected.
- 4:09Speaker 2: You I did not so furious.
- 4:13Speaker 1: Okay, all right, So staying calm is important, yes, but
- 4:16Speaker 1: that didn't answer my question. Did you feel like you
- 4:18Speaker 1: stayed calm?
- 4:21Speaker 2: Yes? I did.
- 4:23Speaker 1: It will be interesting when we play it back to
- 4:24Speaker 1: see how calm you stayed as well.
- 4:26Speaker 2: The next tip would be to be an active listener.
- 4:29Speaker 2: We're so busy talking and we struggle at times when
- 4:34Speaker 2: somebody else has a different opinion because we really want
- 4:37Speaker 2: them to understand our point of view, but we're not
- 4:41Speaker 2: so willing to listen to hear their point of view.
- 4:43Speaker 1: Great point. Did you notice how much I was listening
- 4:46Speaker 1: to what you had to say?
- 4:47Speaker 2: Then you are such a good listener, are I?
- 4:50Speaker 1: I I just want to model. I want to be
- 4:52Speaker 1: a great example here.
- 4:55Speaker 2: Number three would be to respect differing opinions. We're not
- 4:58Speaker 2: going to agree all the time. We don't actually have
- 5:00Speaker 2: to hate the person, or dislike the person, or get
- 5:03Speaker 2: angry at the person because they don't see the world
- 5:05Speaker 2: the same way we do. If everybody saw the world
- 5:07Speaker 2: the same way I did, it would be a really
- 5:09Speaker 2: boring place.
- 5:10Speaker 1: Having said that, I mean, so we've got a mutual
- 5:13Speaker 1: friend who really does believe that everything that happened on
- 5:17Speaker 1: September eleven was a great, big conspiracy theory and that
- 5:19Speaker 1: it was all manufactured by the US government to justify
- 5:22Speaker 1: war and all that sort of stuff. It can be
- 5:25Speaker 1: really hard. And I'm not saying this in a disrespectful way.
- 5:29Speaker 1: I just want to make the point. It can be
- 5:31Speaker 1: very hard to be respectful when somebody is saying something
- 5:34Speaker 1: that seems so outlandish, too so so far fetched, and
- 5:38Speaker 1: so inconsistent with all of the all of the seemingly
- 5:43Speaker 1: obvious evidence that's in front of us. It's so hard
- 5:46Speaker 1: to stay respectful. And yet we're still friends with this person.
- 5:50Speaker 1: We think that they're a little bit kooky for believing
- 5:52Speaker 1: that particular thing, but it doesn't stop us enjoying a
- 5:55Speaker 1: really great relationship, do you know what I mean? And
- 5:57Speaker 1: I think that's kind of where they're going here. You
- 6:00Speaker 1: can just accept that that's what they believe, but that
- 6:02Speaker 1: doesn't mean that everything in their life is nuts and
- 6:04Speaker 1: we need to stay away from them. To the contrary,
- 6:07Speaker 1: this person is actually a really good guy. His family
- 6:11Speaker 1: is wonderful. We just happen to disagree on that particular issue,
- 6:15Speaker 1: and so we don't talk about September eleven ever, because
- 6:17Speaker 1: it's just a lightning rod.
- 6:18Speaker 2: I think that fits in beautifully with tip number four
- 6:21Speaker 2: because it's about considering the bigger picture. Yes, our relationship,
- 6:26Speaker 2: more times than not, is more important than a lack
- 6:28Speaker 2: of congruency in opinions.
- 6:31Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, there's an issue, So let the issue be there,
- 6:34Speaker 1: but let's focus on the big picture of the relationship.
- 6:35Speaker 1: I love that. Anything else that you wanted to highlight
- 6:38Speaker 1: in terms of just working through this from an adult
- 6:41Speaker 1: to adult perspective before we talk about the kids.
- 6:43Speaker 2: Well, the last thing would be just making sure that
- 6:45Speaker 2: we create safe boundaries, and that could be any number
- 6:48Speaker 2: of things. If you know, we're open to having conversations,
- 6:51Speaker 2: but at any point in time we feel like we're
- 6:53Speaker 2: threatened by the conversation or it's no longer becoming a
- 6:57Speaker 2: conversation that is benefiting anyone, you know, having some boundaries
- 7:02Speaker 2: around what you might do in that situation. Can we
- 7:04Speaker 2: change the subject. I don't think where this is kind
- 7:07Speaker 2: of helping either of us. Maybe we can talk about
- 7:09Speaker 2: something different. Distraction is always a really good tool.
- 7:12Speaker 1: Yeah. Yeah, In fact, I'm going to talk about that
- 7:14Speaker 1: when we come back after the break. I think there's
- 7:16Speaker 1: a useful idea there, but that idea of having that
- 7:20Speaker 1: boundary around it. Like I said, the friend of ours
- 7:22Speaker 1: who's got those views on September eleven that are not
- 7:25Speaker 1: consistent with ours and not consistent with what most people
- 7:28Speaker 1: accept is historically accurate. We just don't talk about that
- 7:30Speaker 1: topic with them, and we have a great relationship outside
- 7:33Speaker 1: of that particular topic. So creating the boundaries makes a
- 7:36Speaker 1: big difference after the break. Four or five ideas for
- 7:38Speaker 1: how this emailer and you as well, if you've got
- 7:42Speaker 1: family members with differing opinions on some of these lightning
- 7:45Speaker 1: rod issues, how we can actually talk to our kids
- 7:47Speaker 1: about what's going on and how to keep the relationship
- 7:50Speaker 1: safe and happy. It's their Happy Families podcasts Our Boys
- 7:59Speaker 1: are struggling with friends, mental health, alcohol, drugs, pornography, emotions,
- 8:05Speaker 1: and so much more. But science tells us that the
- 8:08Speaker 1: most important thing for your son's well being is his
- 8:11Speaker 1: connection with you. The Bringing Up Boys Summit is about
- 8:16Speaker 1: one thing, taking you into your son's world and helping
- 8:20Speaker 1: you connect with him in the way he needs you.
- 8:22Speaker 1: To find out more on The Happy Family's webshop and
- 8:26Speaker 1: start connecting with your son. Today.
- 8:29Speaker 2: It's the Happy Families podcast, the podcast for a time
- 8:31Speaker 2: poor parent who just wants answers. Now, I'm thinking justin
- 8:35Speaker 2: I remember a conversation we had with an author, Michael
- 8:38Speaker 2: Parker about his book Talk to Your Kids About Things
- 8:41Speaker 2: That Matter. Yeah, And as I was thinking about this
- 8:44Speaker 2: particular scenario and the acknowledgment that these family members are
- 8:48Speaker 2: not in these children's space all the time, and so
- 8:50Speaker 2: with the coming up of holidays and the outlook of
- 8:54Speaker 2: being able to be together, there's this wonderful opportunity to
- 8:58Speaker 2: start to have conversations to prepare you children for the
- 9:00Speaker 2: inevitable conversations that might come up at the dinner table.
- 9:05Speaker 1: So Michael Parker, we will link to that podcast in
- 9:08Speaker 1: our show notes. It's a really great conversation that I
- 9:11Speaker 1: think will be helpful for a lot of parents other
- 9:13Speaker 1: than working through a book like that and actually doing
- 9:16Speaker 1: the philosophical groundwork so that kids are open to different
- 9:20Speaker 1: ideas but also know how to interrogate them critically and
- 9:23Speaker 1: analyze them for what's healthy and what's a positive way forward.
- 9:28Speaker 1: A couple of other ideas that might be helpful I think.
- 9:32Speaker 2: That if the relationship is strong enough talking to the
- 9:35Speaker 2: adults in question beforehand about your concerns that, you know,
- 9:40Speaker 2: the conversations that might come up around the dinner table,
- 9:42Speaker 2: conversations that you prefer not to have with the eight
- 9:45Speaker 2: and ten year old in the room. Yeah, we would
- 9:48Speaker 2: hopefully alleviate any concerns that you have about the children
- 9:52Speaker 2: being in those you know, kind of spaces where they're
- 9:55Speaker 2: not capable of navigating them adequately at that age.
- 9:58Speaker 1: That could be really tricky, but also really helpful, depending,
- 10:01Speaker 1: like you said, on the quality of the relationship that
- 10:03Speaker 1: you have. And it's not that hard to have that discussion.
- 10:06Speaker 1: You simply give the in laws or you give your
- 10:09Speaker 1: parents a call and say, hey, you know, we're looking
- 10:11Speaker 1: forward to being with you. I just wanted to highlight
- 10:14Speaker 1: you and I differ really strongly on that particular issue.
- 10:17Speaker 1: Let me just point straight to vaccination because that still
- 10:19Speaker 1: is the lightning rod issue of the day right now.
- 10:21Speaker 1: We've got really different opinions on vaccination. I know you've
- 10:23Speaker 1: decided that you don't want to do it. We've gone
- 10:25Speaker 1: the other way and gone with it, really hoping that
- 10:28Speaker 1: while we're there we can just not have that conversation,
- 10:30Speaker 1: especially in front of the kids, because it just makes
- 10:32Speaker 1: everyone feel gross and we have a whole lot of
- 10:34Speaker 1: conflict and we won't have a great time with you.
- 10:37Speaker 1: Like if you frame it like that, and if your
- 10:38Speaker 1: relationship's sturdy enough to have the conversation in the first place,
- 10:42Speaker 1: chances are it will go really well. But sometimes it won't.
- 10:45Speaker 1: Sometimes it's going to be way too tricky. Sometimes people
- 10:48Speaker 1: will be offended. So I think Kylie, it's also helpful
- 10:51Speaker 1: to pre warn the kids. If they're old enough, you
- 10:54Speaker 1: might say, just before we arrive at Nana Pops, I
- 10:57Speaker 1: know we've been on the road for a long time
- 10:58Speaker 1: and we're all tired. We're excited to be there, but
- 11:00Speaker 1: I just want to give you a quick warning. You
- 11:02Speaker 1: know that Nan and Pop feel differently about this particular
- 11:05Speaker 1: topic than we do. We're just going to let you
- 11:07Speaker 1: know that if they start talking to you about it,
- 11:10Speaker 1: you're welcome to listen. It's probably polite too, but you
- 11:12Speaker 1: don't have to. You can just say, oh, Mom and
- 11:15Speaker 1: Dad said that they didn't really want us to talk
- 11:17Speaker 1: about that and leave it with that, and then Nan
- 11:20Speaker 1: or Pop can come and have the argument with you
- 11:22Speaker 1: as an adult, rather than with the kids, because the
- 11:24Speaker 1: kids really shouldn't be involved in it. So just pre
- 11:27Speaker 1: warn the kids, let them know what might come up,
- 11:29Speaker 1: and they've got your permission, you've got their back. They're
- 11:32Speaker 1: allowed to walk away or if they choose not to,
- 11:36Speaker 1: you just want them to come and have a chat
- 11:37Speaker 1: with you about it afterwards, so that you can do
- 11:39Speaker 1: a debrief and help them to interrogate those ideas more effectively.
- 11:44Speaker 2: Yeah. I think that's a really important part, because you
- 11:46Speaker 2: can't be in your children's space, you know, twenty four
- 11:49Speaker 2: to seven, especially when you're in other people's homes, and
- 11:52Speaker 2: so helping your children to recognize and know that if
- 11:55Speaker 2: they hear things that they're not comfortable with, whether it
- 11:57Speaker 2: be in the school playground or in grandma's house or
- 12:00Speaker 2: aunties or uncles, that they know that they can come
- 12:03Speaker 2: and talk to you about it and debrief and kind
- 12:05Speaker 2: of just understand and unpack things in a safe space.
- 12:09Speaker 2: It's really important.
- 12:10Speaker 1: Yeah, two other really quick ones as well. This one's
- 12:14Speaker 1: a bit of an awkward one. But every now and again,
- 12:15Speaker 1: you'll be at the barbecue or in the swimming pool
- 12:17Speaker 1: or around the dining table, you'll all be together doing
- 12:20Speaker 1: something and every now and again, they'll bring something up
- 12:23Speaker 1: that you really don't want to have discussed in front
- 12:25Speaker 1: of the kids. It might be they've been watching the
- 12:28Speaker 1: latest thing on your streaming service and it's a controversial
- 12:33Speaker 1: or provocative program that you don't want to be talking
- 12:35Speaker 1: about in front of the kids. Or it could be
- 12:37Speaker 1: that it's going to be one of those lightning rod issues,
- 12:39Speaker 1: and I think that as a parent of those young children,
- 12:42Speaker 1: you're well within your rights to politely say hey, just
- 12:46Speaker 1: before you go on with that particular line of conversation.
- 12:48Speaker 1: I know this is a bit awkward, but we're not
- 12:51Speaker 1: actually into talking about that. We just don't feel good
- 12:55Speaker 1: about having those conversations, at least when the kids are here.
- 12:58Speaker 1: We know that it's real life, we know that it's
- 13:00Speaker 1: going on, but we've been teaching the kids something else,
- 13:02Speaker 1: and we don't really want to have that discussion now.
- 13:04Speaker 1: But directon we could talk about and have something ready
- 13:06Speaker 1: to talk about instead. Directly, we could talk about how
- 13:09Speaker 1: the kids went at their cross country the other day. Directon,
- 13:11Speaker 1: we could talk about how the boys are going with
- 13:16Speaker 1: their karate or building that Billy card or their BMX jumping,
- 13:21Speaker 1: or how the girls are going with their netball or
- 13:24Speaker 1: whatever activity is they're involved in, if you've got something
- 13:26Speaker 1: that you can pivot into after that awkward interruption, we're
- 13:30Speaker 1: just not into talking about that direct and we could
- 13:31Speaker 1: talk about this instead. What you're usually going to find
- 13:34Speaker 1: is that everyone in the family, unless they're particularly obnoxious,
- 13:37Speaker 1: is going to go, oh, yeah, fair enough, Well, so
- 13:39Speaker 1: how did you go at the cross country? And I
- 13:41Speaker 1: think that's a really helpful thing to do. Have a
- 13:44Speaker 1: topic change ready. That's kind of my little bit of
- 13:47Speaker 1: advice that is hopefully going to be helpful for our
- 13:50Speaker 1: person who sent us this email, Kylie, anything else to
- 13:54Speaker 1: wrap things up? Well, I see.
- 13:55Speaker 2: On the other thing I'd suggest is that you know,
- 13:57Speaker 2: more times than not, when you're getting together with extended family,
- 14:00Speaker 2: there's cousins involved, so there's children, and so if you're
- 14:03Speaker 2: really concerned about conversations that might being had around various topics,
- 14:09Speaker 2: then maybe just kind of encouraging, you know, there to
- 14:12Speaker 2: be a kid's space where the kids can all hang
- 14:14Speaker 2: out and they can indulge in their own conspiracy theories
- 14:19Speaker 2: about what the adults are talking about. Yeah, so when
- 14:22Speaker 2: we go to your parents' house, the adults usually sit
- 14:24Speaker 2: at the table inside and the kids have the patio outside,
- 14:27Speaker 2: and it just means that, you know, adults are a
- 14:30Speaker 2: little bit more free to have conversations. And yes, every
- 14:32Speaker 2: now and again a child does walk in, but the
- 14:34Speaker 2: chances of them being a full participant of the conversation
- 14:37Speaker 2: as opposed to, you know, just a fleeting walk by
- 14:40Speaker 2: because they want to fill their plate up again or
- 14:42Speaker 2: something is going to be a lot less in your face.
- 14:45Speaker 1: I guess we really hope that this is helpful for
- 14:48Speaker 1: any of you who are traveling during the holidays and
- 14:51Speaker 1: hanging out with some of the other adults in your
- 14:53Speaker 1: family who may or may not view the world exactly
- 14:55Speaker 1: the way that you do. Thank you so much to
- 14:57Speaker 1: our email up podcasts and Happy Families dot au for
- 15:02Speaker 1: asking the question. Your questions are always welcome. We will
- 15:04Speaker 1: do our best to answer some of them from time
- 15:06Speaker 1: to time where we have spots in the podcast routine
- 15:08Speaker 1: to get to it. Justin Rulan from Bridge Media is
- 15:11Speaker 1: our executive producer. Center Oh, I just promoted him. Sorry, Justin,
- 15:14Speaker 1: You're not the EP. That's Craig Bruce. Justin Ruland is
- 15:17Speaker 1: our producer. He's from Bridge Media and he makes the
- 15:19Speaker 1: podcast sound great. Craig Bruce is the executive producer, and
- 15:22Speaker 1: he's the one who helps us decide what to talk about,
- 15:24Speaker 1: like conspiracy theories and adults to try to influence our
- 15:28Speaker 1: children in ways that we don't like. We hope that
- 15:30Speaker 1: it's been a helpful conversation for you. Enjoy the school holidays.
- 15:33Speaker 1: We've got one more episode tomorrow, I'll do better tomorrow,
- 15:35Speaker 1: and then we're away for a couple of weeks while
- 15:37Speaker 1: we try to figure out if we can ever find
- 15:39Speaker 1: ourselves a place to live in this never ending move.
- 15:42Speaker 1: We look forward to joining you again after the holidays. Oh,
- 15:45Speaker 1: by the way, during the holidays, we're going to continue
- 15:47Speaker 1: the content. We've got a whole lot of our very
- 15:49Speaker 1: best bits snippets from some of our favorite interviews to
- 15:52Speaker 1: inspire your parenting throughout the upcoming Easter break. In the meantime,
- 15:57Speaker 1: any other info you need about making your family happier
- 15:59Speaker 1: is available at Happy families dot com dorite