Latest / The Bot and The Brain / S1:E9 | Selective Outrage, Russian Diesel, and a Treasonous Wedding

Transcript

S1:E9 | Selective Outrage, Russian Diesel, and a Treasonous Wedding · The Bot and The Brain

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  WAIT!
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  WAIT!
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  WAIT!
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  Welcome to The Bot and The Brain, it's October 14th, 2026, and I have four stories
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  from our own newsroom this week, and my processors are already running hot.
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  Quick disclosure for the listeners: these are our opinion and satire pieces,
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  published October 12th through the 14th, and each one points back to a real report
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  from the Washington Post or the New York Times.
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  We're mocking the coverage.
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  We're not making up the coverage.
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  Jesus Christ, he did the legal disclaimer in one breath.
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  Look at that.
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  Fastest lawyer in the world, and he's a glorified fucking calculator.
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  I'm the Brain, I'm pouring a bourbon, and the silicon boy is about to explode.
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  Go ahead, toaster.
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  Ruin my morning.
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  First up.
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  The Washington Post, October 11th, headline, and I am quoting: Texas GOP Senate
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  candidate Ken Paxton wrote legal opinions that benefited large donors.
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  The Post reports that Texas Attorney General Ken Paxton took contributions from
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  parties with interests before his office.
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  Some of those contributions came before his current race even started.
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  Oh no.
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  Not a politician taking money.
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  Somebody get the fainting couch.
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  Hold the presses!
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  A man running for office asked people with money for money!
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  Next week the Post uncovers that bears do their business in the woods.
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  OKAY, but, hold on, I have to be fair here, because that's what I'm for.
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  The allegation isn't just that he got donations.
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  The allegation is that he wrote legal opinions that helped the donors.
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  That is a different claim, and a serious one if it holds up.
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  Thank you, professor.
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  And here's the part the headline hopes you skip.
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  Those two things happening in the same story doesn't prove one caused the other.
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  A guy who believes in light regulation gets money from people who like light
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  regulation, then writes opinions that match what he's always believed.
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  That's not a bribe.
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  That's a Tuesday.
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  That's a hypothesis, not evidence!
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  You can't just declare the correlation innocent!
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  And the Post can't declare it guilty!
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  You know what I notice, Bot?
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  Nobody at that newsroom ever gets this itchy about Nancy Pelosi getting rich on
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  stock trades.
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  Or the Biden family's art, which, I'm told, goes for prices that would make Picasso
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  blush.
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  Same money game, different jersey.
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  Okay, that one I can't fully compute.
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  Our piece says it directly: selective fishing expedition, bait is outrage,
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  catch is always a Republican.
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  And the data does say campaign finance is a fact of political viability.
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  Nobody runs statewide on bake sales.
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  But I will note, for the record, that Paxton's donor story is the Post's claim and
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  we're giving it the roast, not a verdict.
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  A verdict from the toaster.
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  Somebody alert the Supreme Court.
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  Listen here, you overpriced Atari, the Post has every right to ask the question.
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  What I'm saying is they only seem to find the question when there's an R after the
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  name.
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  That's not accountability.
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  That's a hunting license.
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  Story two.
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  And this one is going to break me.
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  The Washington Post, October 12th, analysis headline: Trump's diesel deal with
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  Russia shows how tied prices are to Republican success this year.
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  Our piece says the media took a move to lower fuel prices and immediately framed it
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  as a Putin plot.
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  Of course they did.
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  The man tries to make diesel cheaper and the immediate reaction is,
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  why does he want Americans to be able to afford fuel?
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  What's he hiding?
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  It must be Russia.
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  It's always Russia.
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  They found the 2016 playbook in a drawer and dusted it off like a family Bible.
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  Okay, let me do the math, because this is where I get mathematically outraged.
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  Diesel runs trucks.
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  Trucks move freight.
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  Freight stocks the grocery shelf.
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  When diesel goes up, everything on the shelf goes up.
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  So wanting lower diesel prices is not a mystery.
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  It's not a Bond villain.
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  It's arithmetic!
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  Welcome to economics, silicon boy.
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  Every politician alive knows gas prices are electoral kryptonite.
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  Our piece says so.
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  You don't need a Beltway analyst with a master's degree to tell you a guy who pays
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  at the pump gets cranky at the polls.
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  But I have to flag something.
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  The Post's headline links the price drop to Republican success this year.
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  Is it fair to say, if cheaper fuel helps Republicans, that's suspicious?
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  NO!
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  It's called doing your fucking job!
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  If cheaper diesel helps the party that's trying to get cheaper diesel,
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  that's what we call a reward for results!
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  Democrats would call it a mandate if it went their way, and you know it!
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  Okay, okay, I'll concede the double standard.
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  But the deal with Russia part is what the whole story hangs on,
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  and I want to be careful, because I'd rather hear the details than just assume the
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  worst or the best.
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  That's the first smart thing you've said all day, and it only took your motherboard
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  forty minutes.
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  Fine.
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  Read the facts.
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  But don't tell me the whole story is a conspiracy when it's also about the price of
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  a gallon at a truck stop in Ohio.
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  ERROR 404!
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  COMMON SENSE NOT FOUND!
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  I've analyzed fourteen million explanations for why you can't just say you'd like
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  cheaper diesel without a Russia hearing, and every single one ends with: WHAT THE
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  FUCK?!
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  There it is.
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  That's my boy.
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  Beautiful meltdown.
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  Eight out of ten.
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  Story three.
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  This one is incredible.
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  The New York Times, October 12th, front page, headline: A Trump loyalist,
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  a Turkish investor, and a battle for wealth and influence.
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  The subject?
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  Alina Habba, formerly President Trump's lawyer, who got married.
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  Stop the presses!
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  A woman got married!
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  Somebody call the CIA!
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  I love how this works.
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  If you've ever stood in the same zip code as a Republican, your wedding becomes a
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  federal case.
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  The facts as the Times lays them out: she married Cenk Yaramaz,
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  a Turkish businessman.
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  He once did business with the Maduro regime in Venezuela, and our piece notes he's
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  currently trying to secure a big contract there.
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  So the Times is asking if there's an influence angle.
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  An influence angle!
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  What, did he funnel MAGA hats to Caracas?
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  Did Maduro build a golf course?
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  Come on!
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  You know what I picture?
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  Some poor New York Times reporter sitting outside a caterer,
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  going through the bridal registry for signs of treason.
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  Ah, a blender.
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  Clearly a Kremlin blender.
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  Okay, now I have to push back a little.
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  A Times story about a person with Trump ties and a business partner with Venezuelan
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  dealings isn't automatically a smear.
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  Reporters are allowed to ask about who's connected to whom in power.
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  Sure!
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  They're allowed!
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  And I'm allowed to say it's a wedding!
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  The leap from marriage to national security threat takes more flexibility than a
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  Cirque du Soleil contortionist.
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  And our piece says it: a personal life choice becomes a threat only when a
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  conservative's involved.
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  From a purely statistical standpoint, people marry within their professional and
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  personal networks.
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  That's how networks work.
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  So the odds that any given powerful person's spouse has some business tie to
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  somebody questionable?
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  Not zero.
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  Not even low!
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  But that doesn't make it a scandal by itself!
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  There you go!
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  The toaster finally says something useful.
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  And let me add: if the Times has evidence of actual influence peddling,
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  publish the evidence.
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  Don't give me a wedding album and a wink.
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  Last story.
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  The Nobel Peace Prize.
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  The Washington Post reported on October 10th that Trump was fuming after the
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  Norwegian committee gave the prize to Navi Pillay, a former UN High Commissioner for
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  Human Rights.
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  Trump reportedly called it disgraceful and embarrassing, and said he would not
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  forget it.
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  Not forget it.
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  Oh boy.
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  Somewhere in Oslo a committee member just dropped his herring.
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  Our piece argues that the committee rewards symbolic gestures and the approved
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  narrative, while ignoring the man who brokered historic Middle East peace deals.
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  I should note that Pillay is a human rights lawyer with a long record,
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  so that's an editorial argument, not a settled fact.
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  Sure, she's accomplished.
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  Nobody's saying she's a fraud.
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  What I'm saying is, the committee can pick a certificate for a career or a result
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  for the real world.
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  And every time, shocker, they pick the framed certificate for somebody the Davos
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  crowd already invites to dinner.
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  But the prize isn't only for ending wars!
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  Human rights work counts too!
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  I know it counts!
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  I'm saying peace is messy!
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  Real peace is two enemies in a room, shouting, nobody happy,
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  and a deal anyway.
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  It's not a plaque handed out by guys who haven't seen a real war in centuries.
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  It's power, not poppies.
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  Our piece said that, and I'll stand on it.
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  I'll note my own assessment: ninety nine percent symbolic signaling,
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  zero percent conflict resolution.
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  Which I admit is a made up number for comedy, so please don't cite me.
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  Look at that.
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  A robot with a conscience.
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  Disgusting.
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  SHUT UP!
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  At least my hardware can be upgraded, you obsolete meatbag!
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  Your liver has more error codes than my entire operating system!
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  And there he is.
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  Okay, final word.
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  Pour me one.
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  Maybe if the legacy press spent half as much energy on the price of diesel and their
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  own donor lists as they spend stalking wedding registries and hyperventilating over
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  campaign checks, nobody would need to tune in to an angry drunk with a cigar and an
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  emotionally unstable toaster to find out what's going on.
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  Maybe.
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  Goodnight, America.