Latest / Lightbearer's Library / The price a highly sensitive man pays for kindness (INFJ / INFP)

Transcript

The price a highly sensitive man pays for kindness (INFJ / INFP) · Lightbearer's Library

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Hello, dear soul, and welcome to the Light Bears Library.
• 0:03
  SPEAKER_00: Perhaps it's a generalization that as HSPs, highly sensitive people, or INFPs or INFJs in the Myers-Briggs system, that we are we try to be as kind as possible to people and we try and give others the benefit of the doubt and we treat them like good people.
• 0:26
  SPEAKER_00: And this can mean, I think, that sometimes we end up getting screwed over and over and over again.
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_00: Because it seems like we live in a world where a world of power dynamics, where the the language of the culture we live in is power dynamics.
• 0:48
  SPEAKER_00: Or as someone put it in last week's live, it's either, you know, we're the hunter or the hunted.
• 0:55
  SPEAKER_00: And I don't know about you, but it's it's exhausting.
• 1:00
  SPEAKER_00: It's exhausting, you know.
• 1:02
  SPEAKER_00: And as you know, I'm an INFP and my husband's an INFJ.
• 1:07
  SPEAKER_00: And it just comes up usually, usually it comes up with landlords.
• 1:14
  SPEAKER_00: And that's what's happening for me this week.
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_00: So, you know, this channel is all about my journal entries.
• 1:20
  SPEAKER_00: So when I'm talking about myself and I'm talking about my husband, it's because these are these are things that, you know, come up in my life and maybe they come up in your life.
• 1:30
  SPEAKER_00: And the point is, is that you know, we can feel not so alone if you're watching and this happens in your life, then I'd love to hear from you.
• 1:39
  SPEAKER_00: Um, you know, and I hope if you do go through it, that it makes you feel not so alone.
• 1:44
  SPEAKER_00: Because I think there's it's like there's this invisible points system where if you're a highly sensitive person, if you're an INF, INFP, INFJ, you know, it's like the points go down, right?
• 2:00
  SPEAKER_00: It's like points, points down for that, points down for that.
• 2:03
  SPEAKER_00: You know, we're we we rent, we're renters, we are debt-free, so we choose to rent and not have a mortgage.
• 2:10
  SPEAKER_00: And but that means like renters are typically looked down upon, right?
• 2:15
  SPEAKER_00: It's like less than and treated as such.
• 2:19
  SPEAKER_00: And while we try and find landlords who treat it like a business, we're actually paying them a shit ton of money to to to like it's it's a business transaction, but it's treated as this like weird thing of like they're doing us a favor.
• 2:36
  SPEAKER_00: Give me a break.
• 2:37
  SPEAKER_00: Anyway.
• 2:38
  SPEAKER_00: Um, you know, or if you're if you're low income, like as we are right now, it's just like points are taken off, and it's like, oh, you know, you can be treated less than if you're low income.
• 2:52
  SPEAKER_00: If you're kind and thoughtful, then you could be treated as less than, or as it's like, oh, well, clearly, clearly we could take advantage of them.
• 3:00
  SPEAKER_00: They're just some, you know ridiculous, they don't know what they're they don't like, they don't know anything.
• 3:09
  SPEAKER_00: They it's just all these things seem to be like points that are getting taken off, and then they're all signs that oh, I can take advantage of this person or treat them like shit, or you know, walk all over them.
• 3:25
  SPEAKER_00: And it's it's so it's like, how do we survive this kind of world where we have to, in order to survive it, we have to not be ourself.
• 3:41
  SPEAKER_00: We have to be maybe not be as kind, we have to not be as like we have to just hide all sorts of parts of ourselves and and how do we survive in that?
• 3:57
  SPEAKER_00: And so I guess that's my question to you, and I'll keep asking this question is you know, how have you changed yourself to not get screwed?
• 4:09
  SPEAKER_00: Like, did you used to and now you don't?
• 4:11
  SPEAKER_00: Because what did you figure out?
• 4:13
  SPEAKER_00: And I know a lot of you have said said things, but it's like how how on a more specific level, it's how do you change the internal parts like on a more to be more nuanced as opposed to just saying like I I hardened myself or I, you know, whatever it's like, but how do you live with that inside of of that incongruency with you know being something on the inside within your own home, and then having to be someone different with the people you interact with in whatever it is, in jobs or in landlord situations or whatever situations that you might need to protect yourself from.
• 5:05
  SPEAKER_00: That's that's what I'm doing because we come up against these situations, my husband and I, and he's always like, I just need to not be myself.
• 5:13
  SPEAKER_00: And it's so hard.
• 5:14
  SPEAKER_00: Um, you know, he's also he's also an immigrant to Canada, like he grew up in South Africa.
• 5:20
  SPEAKER_00: He's actually, you know, British uh UK citizen, but um it's it's a different culture here where it's much more, you know, like doggy dog, I guess.
• 5:35
  SPEAKER_00: And so it means that we're sort of fish out of water in the culture.
• 5:43
  SPEAKER_00: And and so when we're ourselves, it seems to be that we get taken advantage of more.
• 5:53
  SPEAKER_00: And it gets treated like and and and also this whole thing, I don't know if you've noticed recently in your own life or in the culture, like we live in a bit of a bubble, but it seems like we've had a few um a few interactions this week, and it's like sort of blame, blame gets immediately put back on you um for like nothing.
• 6:21
  SPEAKER_00: For instance, you know, like our landlord comes, likes to come home drunk in the middle of the night, you know, at like two or three with his girlfriend, and they usually like go upstairs and don't make noise.
• 6:36
  SPEAKER_00: But like a couple of weeks ago he came home and was like yelling and screaming and dropping things at 4:30 and re-texted.
• 6:44
  SPEAKER_00: My husband texted and was like, hey, you know, very kindly, very, very kindly, was just like please, please be quiet, you know.
• 6:56
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and like the landlord texted back and is like, you should have, you should have texted me earlier.
• 7:04
  SPEAKER_00: And no sorry, no reply the next day to be like, hey, sorry, you know, like anyway, it's like so it's our fault for not telling him that he's like screaming, probably could hear him outside.
• 7:18
  SPEAKER_00: And just this last week, because the winter's coming and the snow is coming, there's stairs.
• 7:24
  SPEAKER_00: Our only entrance to our place that needs like the stairs are actually not to safety code, not to fire code, we realized this week, um, because we looked it up, trying to get our landlord to to fix it, which he said he would when we moved in.
• 7:38
  SPEAKER_00: And it's now almost winter here.
• 7:45
  SPEAKER_00: So it's kind of like people are tripping, like we've tripped, people have tripped on the stair and the and the path.
• 7:56
  SPEAKER_00: Anyway, so now we're thinking of moving because uh he clearly also is unconsciously or consciously you know, he's was is like much louder than he used to be, and it's kind of like this.
• 8:16
  SPEAKER_00: Um what is it when when you like it's such a foreign concept.
• 8:20
  SPEAKER_00: You punish people punish, he's like punishing us by being louder.
• 8:26
  SPEAKER_00: Anyway, it's so disheartening.
• 8:28
  SPEAKER_00: So thank you for listening to that story.
• 8:32
  SPEAKER_00: Um so now having lived here five months, we're thinking about moving again.
• 8:38
  SPEAKER_00: So we're trying to figure out what it is that we want.
• 8:43
  SPEAKER_00: Do we want to move, you know, with everything that's going on with just the noise and the the unsafe step in winter?
• 8:51
  SPEAKER_00: And or do we want to try and move before the snow falls?
• 8:57
  SPEAKER_00: Which I mean, you know, that could happen in October, but you know, we we could we could move before November.
• 9:03
  SPEAKER_00: So it needs to be within the next little while that we decide whether we're moving again, which is exhausting in itself.
• 9:12
  SPEAKER_00: But if it means not dealing with the landlord.
• 9:18
  SPEAKER_00: And I always come when we come to this part of it, it feels like we try and we try and take responsibility for the things we can and for what's ours, and we try and be psychologically aware of what's what's unconscious, what unconscious patterns are we maybe not seeing in our own patterns, and trying to take responsibility for those and change them.
• 9:42
  SPEAKER_00: So, in in terms of being screwed or taken advantage of, trying to understand what what keeps going wrong.
• 9:49
  SPEAKER_00: Um, but when we're dealing with a world full of what's what it seems like, maybe we should just assume that I mean, maybe the Christians got it right, right?
• 10:00
  SPEAKER_00: It's like everyone's a sinner.
• 10:01
  SPEAKER_00: Just assume that everyone's a sociopath until proven otherwise.
• 10:06
  SPEAKER_00: And sort of when when we have that in our mind, we can be very much more um cautious or aware or protective of ourselves.
• 10:22
  SPEAKER_00: And um, because sometimes it's not our fault.
• 10:27
  SPEAKER_00: Like you know, we've we've done everything in our power possible with it with what resources we have and what knowledge we have and what um, you know, so I'm not trying to complain, but I am saying, I am, you know, saying that there's a there is a space to to witness one another in that space to say, I feel you.
• 10:53
  SPEAKER_00: Like it's not always our fault, and it can really, really suck and cause a lot of it's just so energy draining on our systems as HSPs, you know, dealing with conflict, dealing with these uncomfortable situations where and we do, we do.
• 11:12
  SPEAKER_00: We, we I mean, my husband puts up boundaries when he needs to.
• 11:15
  SPEAKER_00: He doesn't put up with shit in the end.
• 11:17
  SPEAKER_00: Like, you know, INFJ door slam, it's a thing.
• 11:20
  SPEAKER_00: When he's done with people who who push that boundary and screw him over, it's like he will, he will, but it's like it's like that it kicks in too late.
• 11:32
  SPEAKER_00: It's like the the the the boundary and the not putting up with any bullshit needs to happen earlier.
• 11:39
  SPEAKER_00: But it's it's like sometimes we just we we are who we are, we have our nervous systems the way they are, and it's like requ it requires just like massive changes on our part to try and figure out how to live in this culture.
• 11:56
  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes we just have to be really gentle with ourselves and say, you know, we did our best and and it and it can suck.
• 12:08
  SPEAKER_00: So I would love to know, yeah, again, how do you how do how have you navigated this or to or maybe share stories if you have stories that you'd like to share about things that haven't gone where you have been screwed and how you've how you've figured out a way of not getting screwed.
• 12:30
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know, is there is there such a thing?
• 12:33
  SPEAKER_00: Like and how to set us ourselves up not to.
• 12:37
  SPEAKER_00: And maybe it's a matter of like different living in different parts of the world or different parts of of different countries have different kinds of people.
• 12:47
  SPEAKER_00: And it could be that where where we've like for us, it's been on the west coast of Canada and in Alberta that this this happened.
• 12:58
  SPEAKER_00: So it's kind of like all Canadians.
• 13:01
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know, like you know, not all Canadians, but you know, it's it's just it's the culture.
• 13:06
  SPEAKER_00: So yeah, and I think there's differences in being a man and being a woman in the culture, you know, women can get taken advantage of in a lot of situations.
• 13:16
  SPEAKER_00: Like we were just talking about um, like at mechanics and stuff, you know, the mechanicals say to a woman's, you know, it's like, well, if this is broken and needs fixing or whatever, and she'll take it somewhere else.
• 13:26
  SPEAKER_00: And they're like, no, they're being thought that was bullshit, you know, or men being taken advantage of by other men who see them as weaker or less than.
• 13:37
  SPEAKER_00: So there's all sorts of specific specifics, but I just wished we lived in a world where people were kind to one another and thoughtful.
• 13:52
  SPEAKER_00: And that's the kind of community that we're building here.
• 13:55
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm glad that you're here.
• 13:59
  SPEAKER_00: And I um yeah, maybe this is something we can bring up on Sundays live this week and we can talk about, we can talk about that.
• 14:08
  SPEAKER_00: And so we'll be doing that at 3 p.m.
• 14:11
  SPEAKER_00: Eastern.
• 14:12
  SPEAKER_00: Uh I think I can't, I did write it down last time.
• 14:16
  SPEAKER_00: Where was it?
• 14:17
  SPEAKER_00: 3 p.m.
• 14:18
  SPEAKER_00: Eastern, 8 p.m.
• 14:19
  SPEAKER_00: UK, and 5 a.m.
• 14:20
  SPEAKER_00: Monday in Sydney.
• 14:22
  SPEAKER_00: So that's when we're having our next live.
• 14:24
  SPEAKER_00: And um, maybe we could chat more about this because this seems to be a thing we're gonna be trying to decide whether to move or not.
• 14:32
  SPEAKER_00: And um yeah, but if you have been in this place, I know what it's like.
• 14:37
  SPEAKER_00: I feel you, and it sucks.
• 14:40
  SPEAKER_00: So with that, I wish you so many blessings.
• 14:44
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you for being here.
• 14:46
  SPEAKER_00: XOXO Kate.