Latest / Inner Work With MaryAnn Walker: Life Coach for People Pleasers / 106: Math vs Drama: What Are You Making it Mean?

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106: Math vs Drama: What Are You Making it Mean? · Inner Work With MaryAnn Walker: Life Coach for People Pleasers

• 0:20
  MaryAnn Walker's audio recording-6: Well, hello and welcome back.
• 0:22
  MaryAnn Walker's audio recording-6: So today we're going to be exploring the idea of math.
• 0:25
  MaryAnn Walker's audio recording-6: versus drama.
• 0:26
  MaryAnn Walker's audio recording-6: Now, math is the facts of the situation.
• 0:29
  MaryAnn Walker's audio recording-6: These are things we can prove in a court of law.
• 0:31
  MaryAnn Walker's audio recording-6: These are all neutral.
• 0:33
  MaryAnn Walker's audio recording-6: Okay?
• 0:33
  MaryAnn Walker's audio recording-6: That's the math.
• 0:35
  MaryAnn Walker's audio recording-6: The drama is whatever we're choosing to make the math mean.
• 0:38
  MaryAnn Walker's audio recording-6: It's our thoughts and ideas and opinions or beliefs around the math, around the facts.
• 0:44
  MaryAnn Walker's audio recording-6: So let me introduce this idea by talking about actual math.
• 0:48
  MaryAnn Walker's audio recording-6: When I was growing up, like most children on the earth, I had math homework and I wouldn't say that I was terrible with math, but I did have a lot of drama around math.
• 0:58
  MaryAnn Walker's audio recording-6: Math.
• 0:59
  MaryAnn Walker's audio recording-6: So, for example, I told myself that math is too hard, that story problems are impossible, and they just can't be done.
• 1:06
  MaryAnn Walker's audio recording-6: But the truth is that math is just math and my creating drama around it, it wasn't going to help me to get the math done.
• 1:13
  MaryAnn Walker's audio recording-6: In fact, the more drama that I created for myself around the math, the longer it took me to get things done.
• 1:21
  MaryAnn Walker's audio recording-6: And that is how it is for all of us as we create a lot of drama for ourselves due to our circumstances in life.
• 1:27
  MaryAnn Walker's audio recording-6: But more often than not, then that drama is actually making it harder For us to get what we want.
• 1:32
  MaryAnn Walker's audio recording-6: It's making it take longer for us to get what it is that we want.
• 1:36
  MaryAnn Walker's audio recording-6: And this might be around completing a math assignment, like it was for me.
• 1:39
  MaryAnn Walker's audio recording-6: Or it might be around creating change in your career or in your relationships.
• 1:43
  MaryAnn Walker's audio recording-6: Whatever it is, the drama that we create for ourselves can oftentimes get in the way and prevent us from actually just completing the math.
• 1:50
  MaryAnn Walker's audio recording-6: From figuring out, okay, this This is where I'm at.
• 1:52
  MaryAnn Walker's audio recording-6: Here's where I want to go.
• 1:53
  MaryAnn Walker's audio recording-6: How do I get there?
• 1:55
  MaryAnn Walker's audio recording-6: That is the math.
• 1:56
  MaryAnn Walker's audio recording-6: And we create all this drama that creates these detours, but ultimately that's the goal is, okay, let's just neutralize this so I can figure out best how to get from here to there.
• 2:06
  MaryAnn Walker's audio recording-6: So let me share a few more examples about where math and drama might be showing up for you.,
• 2:10
  MaryAnn Walker's audio recording-8: For this first example, we're looking at your bank account.
• 2:13
  MaryAnn Walker's audio recording-8: Okay.
• 2:13
  MaryAnn Walker's audio recording-8: So the math might be, I have X number of dollars in my bank account.
• 2:18
  MaryAnn Walker's audio recording-8: The drama on the other hand might be, that's too little money.
• 2:22
  MaryAnn Walker's audio recording-8: I'm broke.
• 2:22
  MaryAnn Walker's audio recording-8: I will never be able to afford a home.
• 2:25
  MaryAnn Walker's audio recording-8: Now our thoughts about our financial situation, then they can lead to a lot of unnecessary stress and anxiety, which ultimately is really going to prevent us from getting what it is that we want.
• 2:34
  MaryAnn Walker's audio recording-8: But remember that all of our thoughts, are optional.
• 2:38
  MaryAnn Walker's audio recording-8: Your brain is going to want to say, no, this is a fact.
• 2:41
  MaryAnn Walker's audio recording-8: I really want to believe that my thought is a fact.
• 2:44
  MaryAnn Walker's audio recording-8: But remember, when you can separate out the facts from your thoughts about the facts, it makes it easier for you to see which thoughts are optional and how you can navigate that.
• 2:52
  MaryAnn Walker's audio recording-8: It helps you to differentiate between the math and the facts.
• 2:55
  MaryAnn Walker's audio recording-8: Okay.
• 2:56
  MaryAnn Walker's audio recording-8: The math and separating that from the drama.
• 2:59
  MaryAnn Walker's audio recording-8: And I also want to point out that the brain, it is going to be looking for evidence that whatever we're thinking about is true.
• 3:05
  MaryAnn Walker's audio recording-8: So for example, if I'm thinking I'm broke and I will never be able to afford a house, then that's going to be giving our brain the assignment to be looking for all of the ways that we are under earning, look for all of the ways that we are overspending and When we're really struggling with that, we might think, boy, I'm really having a hard time finding a positive thought, because your brain is going to show you all the reasons why you are a failure and forever will be, and you'll never be able to get that house.
• 3:28
  MaryAnn Walker's audio recording-8: And so maybe it is a struggle to actually have a positive thought in that moment.
• 3:32
  MaryAnn Walker's audio recording-8: And if you are struggling to have a positive thought, then just see if maybe instead of coming with a positive thought, if you can come up with something that is more neutral.
• 3:40
  MaryAnn Walker's audio recording-8: So, for example, maybe you try on the thought.
• 3:43
  MaryAnn Walker's audio recording-8: You know what?
• 3:43
  MaryAnn Walker's audio recording-8: I have this much money in my bank account and I need this much money to put a down payment on to a home.
• 3:49
  MaryAnn Walker's audio recording-8: I wonder how I could bridge that gap.
• 3:52
  MaryAnn Walker's audio recording-8: Now your brain is going to have the assignment to be looking for ways that you can increase your wealth, the ways that you can save money little by little each day and it is coming from a place of abundance.
• 4:02
  MaryAnn Walker's audio recording-8: rather than a place of lack and of shame.
• 4:06
  MaryAnn Walker's audio recording-8: All right, here's another example is in relationships.
• 4:08
  MaryAnn Walker's audio recording-8: So the math might be my partner hasn't texted me back yet.
• 4:13
  MaryAnn Walker's audio recording-8: Now I get it.
• 4:13
  MaryAnn Walker's audio recording-8: We have all been there where we have sent somebody a text and they have not replied in a timely manner and it's easy to come up with a lot of drama around it.
• 4:20
  MaryAnn Walker's audio recording-8: Right?
• 4:21
  MaryAnn Walker's audio recording-8: So in this example, let's say that the drama around it is, well, they must be ignoring me.
• 4:25
  MaryAnn Walker's audio recording-8: They don't care about me anymore.
• 4:27
  MaryAnn Walker's audio recording-8: Now remember that our thoughts create our emotions.
• 4:31
  MaryAnn Walker's audio recording-8: And we are always showing up through that lens of our emotions.
• 4:35
  MaryAnn Walker's audio recording-8: We're always showing up because of how we are currently feeling.
• 4:38
  MaryAnn Walker's audio recording-8: So think for a moment.
• 4:39
  MaryAnn Walker's audio recording-8: If you're thinking, they must be ignoring me and they don't care about me.
• 4:43
  MaryAnn Walker's audio recording-8: What emotions is that going to create for you?
• 4:45
  MaryAnn Walker's audio recording-8: And how are you going to show up through those emotions?
• 4:49
  MaryAnn Walker's audio recording-8: Now, more than likely, these kinds of thoughts would be creating feelings of insecurity.
• 4:53
  MaryAnn Walker's audio recording-8: inadequacy, or possibly even sadness and grief.
• 4:58
  MaryAnn Walker's audio recording-8: Now remember that the brain really does want to believe that our drama is the math, but our thoughts are optional and we can change the way that we think about it.
• 5:08
  MaryAnn Walker's audio recording-8: So some other thoughts that are available to you are, they must be busy.
• 5:12
  MaryAnn Walker's audio recording-8: I am secure enough in our relationship that I trust that they'll get back to me when they can, or maybe you want to think, you know what?
• 5:19
  MaryAnn Walker's audio recording-8: They probably just forgot to reply.
• 5:21
  MaryAnn Walker's audio recording-8: I'll just text them again.
• 5:22
  MaryAnn Walker's audio recording-8: Okay.
• 5:22
  MaryAnn Walker's audio recording-8: and make another request for reply.
• 5:24
  MaryAnn Walker's audio recording-8: So whatever it is that you were thinking about is going to shift how you feel and how you are showing up in relationship.
• 5:31
  MaryAnn Walker's audio recording-8: And as a coach, I'm also just going to add that all of the thoughts that come up around this, all the thoughts that you have around this lack of response in a text, it's really great information for how it is that you are currently feeling about the relationship and how you are currently feeling about yourself.
• 5:47
  MaryAnn Walker's audio recording-8: So just know you're going to have these stories.
• 5:49
  MaryAnn Walker's audio recording-8: That's very valuable information that we can definitely address in a coaching session.
• 5:53
  MaryAnn Walker's audio recording-8: And also even though you have these stories and all feelings are valid, it doesn't change the fact that your partner's lack of response is completely neutral until you have a thought about it.
• 6:05
  MaryAnn Walker's audio recording-8: But remember that your thoughts are reflection of you and where you are at and they might not be a reflection of them at all.
• 6:12
  MaryAnn Walker's audio recording-8: All right.
• 6:13
  MaryAnn Walker's audio recording-8: Example number three at work.
• 6:15
  MaryAnn Walker's audio recording-8: So, the math might be, I have a deadline at work.
• 6:18
  MaryAnn Walker's audio recording-8: And the drama might be, I'm going to fail.
• 6:21
  MaryAnn Walker's audio recording-8: My boss is going to be so disappointed, I'm probably going to get fired.
• 6:25
  MaryAnn Walker's audio recording-8: Now the brain really loves to catastrophize, but catastrophizing it really escalates our stress levels and it just keeps us stuck.
• 6:33
  MaryAnn Walker's audio recording-8: It's kind of like me with my math problems, right?
• 6:35
  MaryAnn Walker's audio recording-8: When I was younger.
• 6:36
  MaryAnn Walker's audio recording-8: So maybe you will fail and maybe you won't, but thinking on all of the ways that you could fail rather than focusing on all the ways that you could succeed, it's going to shift not only your feelings, but also how you show up for that project as that deadline approaches and you actually present it to your boss.
• 6:53
  MaryAnn Walker's audio recording-8: So some more positive or some more neutral thoughts might be just coming from a place of curiosity.
• 6:59
  MaryAnn Walker's audio recording-8: When in doubt, always take the approach of curiosity.
• 7:01
  MaryAnn Walker's audio recording-8: It's fantastic.
• 7:02
  MaryAnn Walker's audio recording-8: So some other thoughts might be, I wonder how I can best maximize my time for this deadline.
• 7:08
  MaryAnn Walker's audio recording-8: How can I maximize my strengths?
• 7:12
  MaryAnn Walker's audio recording-8: What might I need in order to maintain my mental clarity and also maintain my energy levels so that I don't burn myself out as I'm working on this?
• 7:22
  MaryAnn Walker's audio recording-8: Now these kinds of thoughts are far more supportive for the result that you actually want to create.
• 7:28
  MaryAnn Walker's audio recording-8: Alright, example number four, and this is especially for you highly sensitive people, very empathetic people, that oftentimes feel very responsible for other people's emotions.
• 7:37
  MaryAnn Walker's audio recording-8: So here is the math, okay?
• 7:39
  MaryAnn Walker's audio recording-8: A friend has said that they are feeling overwhelmed.
• 7:43
  MaryAnn Walker's audio recording-8: Now the likely drama coming up around this is, uh oh, somebody's having a feeling.
• 7:48
  MaryAnn Walker's audio recording-8: That's bad.
• 7:49
  MaryAnn Walker's audio recording-8: They shouldn't be having that bad feeling.
• 7:51
  MaryAnn Walker's audio recording-8: It's my job to fix it.
• 7:52
  MaryAnn Walker's audio recording-8: I need to rearrange my schedule in order to help them.
• 7:55
  MaryAnn Walker's audio recording-8: I better fix them dinner.
• 7:57
  MaryAnn Walker's audio recording-8: We have a lot of ideas around what it is that we should be doing around their overwhelm.
• 8:03
  MaryAnn Walker's audio recording-8: And while these thoughts aren't bad thoughts to have, in fact, a lot of these, they sound very helpful and kind, and also, check in with your motives, check in with your own emotional compass, and see what is coming up for you.
• 8:14
  MaryAnn Walker's audio recording-8: For example, are you feeling overwhelmed by their overwhelm?
• 8:18
  MaryAnn Walker's audio recording-8: So, you're trying to manage their overwhelm in an attempt to make you feel better?
• 8:22
  MaryAnn Walker's audio recording-8: If so, just kind of check in with yourself about, okay, what other ways could I manage my overwhelm around their overwhelm?
• 8:29
  MaryAnn Walker's audio recording-8: Are you maybe feeling inadequate and equating your ability to help other people with your own self worth?
• 8:35
  MaryAnn Walker's audio recording-8: Are you genuinely wanting to help them?
• 8:37
  MaryAnn Walker's audio recording-8: There are really no wrong answers here, but just be really aware of what is coming up for you.
• 8:43
  MaryAnn Walker's audio recording-8: Because again, whatever thoughts we attach to it is going to impact how we think and how we feel and how we show up.
• 8:48
  MaryAnn Walker's audio recording-8: So if we burn ourselves out in an effort to prevent someone else from being burned out, we haven't actually solved the problem.
• 8:57
  MaryAnn Walker's audio recording-8: We've just shifted it.
• 8:59
  MaryAnn Walker's audio recording-8: We have made their burnout, our burnout, but the burnout still exists.
• 9:04
  MaryAnn Walker's audio recording-8: So also notice that the only math that actually happened here is somebody said that they had a feeling.
• 9:11
  MaryAnn Walker's audio recording-8: Our friend said they were feeling overwhelmed.
• 9:14
  MaryAnn Walker's audio recording-8: They did not actually ask for help.
• 9:16
  MaryAnn Walker's audio recording-8: We have assumed that they've wanted our help and we have assumed that they want help in a very specific way.
• 9:23
  MaryAnn Walker's audio recording-8: Okay, so maybe they actually just want a friend to listen to them and actually encourage them on their journey.
• 9:30
  MaryAnn Walker's audio recording-8: Or maybe they want a sounding board to help them to find ways that they can resolve their own overwhelm so that they can better manage it and prevent burnout in the future.
• 9:39
  MaryAnn Walker's audio recording-8: So really what has happened in this situation is we have just assigned a significant amount of meaning to our friend saying that they are overwhelmed So slow it down, identify what your story is and see what it is that that story is creating for you.
• 9:55
  MaryAnn Walker's audio recording-8: Maybe you do want to just genuinely show up and love and support and do some nice things for them.
• 9:59
  MaryAnn Walker's audio recording-8: If so, that's fantastic, but still just check in with your motives and see what's coming up for you.
• 10:04
  MaryAnn Walker's audio recording-8: People pleasers are especially good at giving themselves assignments.
• 10:09
  MaryAnn Walker's audio recording-8: They assume that it is their job to fix everybody else's problem, and they assume that they know exactly what it is that everybody else needs.
• 10:16
  MaryAnn Walker's audio recording-8: So really slow it down, become a little bit more mindful about what's coming up for you, and then consciously choose how it is that you want to move forward.
• 10:25
  MaryAnn Walker's audio recording-8: Alright, so this week, practice separating out the
• 10:27
  MaryAnn Walker's audio recording-6: math.
• 10:28
  MaryAnn Walker's audio recording-6: versus drama.
• 10:29
  MaryAnn Walker's audio recording-8: If you can't come up with a positive story, see if you can find a more neutral one.
• 10:34
  MaryAnn Walker's audio recording-8: Thought around it.
• 10:35
  MaryAnn Walker's audio recording-8: Okay, just be aware of what is the story I'm telling myself.
• 10:38
  MaryAnn Walker's audio recording-8: Can I make this either more positive or more neutral?
• 10:41
  MaryAnn Walker's audio recording-8: So that it can feel a little bit more supportive for you and help you to just see the math problem a little bit more clearly without all the drama.
• 10:47
  MaryAnn Walker's audio recording-8: It's kind of like clearing off your glasses when you're having a hard time seeing something clearly.
• 10:52
  MaryAnn Walker's audio recording-8: That's the drama.
• 10:53
  MaryAnn Walker's audio recording-8: It's harder to see it.
• 10:54
  MaryAnn Walker's audio recording-8: It's harder to address it.
• 10:55
  MaryAnn Walker's audio recording-8: And separating out the math from the drama is like just clearing off those lenses.
• 10:59
  MaryAnn Walker's audio recording-8: So you can see things a bit more clearly as you work to get to where it is that you want to go.
• 11:04
  MaryAnn Walker's audio recording-8: And this will help you to not only increase your own inner peace, but it will also help you to improve the quality of your relationships while also minimizing your own negative emotions and your own burnout.
• 11:16
  MaryAnn Walker's audio recording-8: Now, I have worked with many people who have told me that as they've gotten into coaching, they have realized that they are really, really good storytellers and they have a story for everything that's going on in their lives.
• 11:28
  MaryAnn Walker's audio recording-8: but when it's our stories or our dramas, That are the deciding factor in our lives.
• 11:33
  MaryAnn Walker's audio recording-8: It's really very self limiting and so acknowledging that okay, that's drama I'm gonna set that aside and I'm going to focus on the math Then that's taking more control of your life and actually moving forward more productively.
• 11:45
  MaryAnn Walker's audio recording-8: So if you recognize that you are storyteller and you would like some support learning how to navigate that come and work with me I am filling up my summer schedule and I would love to work with you.
• 11:55
  MaryAnn Walker's audio recording-8: All right Well, I hope you have a great week and let's talk soon