Latest / System Speak: Complex Trauma and Dissociation / Islands Unbanished

Transcript

Islands Unbanished · System Speak: Complex Trauma and Dissociation

• 0:08
  Speaker 1: Over: Welcome to the System Speak Podcast,
• 0:13
  Speaker 2: a podcast about Dissociative Identity Disorder. If you are new to the podcast, we recommend starting at the beginning episodes and listen in order to hear our story and what we have learned through this endeavor. Current episodes may be more applicable to long time listeners and are likely to contain more advanced topics, emotional or other triggering content, and or reference earlier episodes that provide more context to what we are currently learning and experiencing. As always, please care for yourself during and after listening to the podcast. Thank you.
• 1:00
  Speaker 1: This is real time. Last week was so hard and so rough, and, also, I had the most amazing dream, and I wanna share my dream. For background context, I had a friend who was out of the country last summer, and they were near an ocean, and there was a cliff they decided to climb. I don't know anything about rock climbing. They didn't have any equipment.
• 1:32
  I don't know how that works or what it's called, but they were wanting to climb these rocks. And they're really good at this sort of thing, so it's not like they were doing anything wrong. But for whatever happened, they did slip and fall, and it was a bad fall. They got really scraped up, and it was scary. I don't know more than that.
• 1:59
  I wasn't there, and that's their story to tell. But I dreamed about it the other night. We've had flooding, as you heard. We've had flooding that was really bad. It's been an adventure here with weather I've never experienced before.
• 2:21
  We've had volcano smoking. We had a tsunami earlier this year. It was small. It didn't get to where I lived. It was after the earthquake in Russia, and so we were on tsunami alert.
• 2:35
  When we drive down the street, it says entering tsunami zone. Like, it is just fascinating weather. I'm used to tornadoes. I have been in very cold snow with a lot of snow in Idaho. This is new to me.
• 2:55
  What happened was something they called an atmospheric river. I don't know exactly what that means. But, basically, something about the rain, which we always have a lot of, was extra. And the extra was basically pointed at us, And it was too much rain too soon altogether, plus the rain that landed in the mountains coming down the mountains into our rivers, all of that combining to rivers flooding, levees failing, dikes failing, not this dike failing, but all of the things that causes flooding. It was fascinating because we had enough warning to make sure we got extra water and that we got extra food.
• 3:48
  We got to help at the food bank that's down the street that has been so kind to us, And we got to help with sandbags downtown in this little place that we love so much. And really, it is the first place that we have ever lived where we were starting completely from scratch and didn't know anyone. There are a couple people in the community that live in like an hour radius that some of which we've been able to connect with and some of which we haven't. But really, we have been on our own, and there is no one that came here with us. Right?
• 4:30
  And no one has been here with us. And so it has been our first experience really to be like, to be like in home alone, like, this is our house. We have to protect it. That's what it felt like. Now I do not mean to say that we have not gotten help.
• 4:53
  There were people in Al Anon who gave us couches and furniture and a new piano as soon as we arrived. It was beautiful and kind and very generous and helpful. And also even that was new to us. And so it was absolutely a very fresh start and has just been a wonderful experience. The kids love their schools here.
• 5:18
  The kids are getting straight a's. Not that that matters or is primary. We want them to try and we want them to reach their capacity and to increase, like, be more of who they are than what people say is only their limited capacity. But I don't care about grades so much as really just try, make sure you're turning in assignments like the follow through of things. That's what has mattered.
• 5:44
  But they are doing so well here and are so supported here and are so happy here that the grades have just followed, and they are delighted. They've none of them have ever had straight a's, not like this, and they are loving it seriously. Now also all the triplets have jobs, and they are loving their jobs. They are loving getting a paycheck. They are loving being in control of their own finances, and it's a big deal.
• 6:14
  So there's just been lots of like, has been almost a year. So it really feels like home. And we have had safety like never before. And safety meaning not just the absence of danger, but the presence of safe connection and stability. Like we learned from Chuck and Laura and Doctor.
• 6:37
  Tema. And it has been amazing, and we are so, so grateful. So the threat of the flood felt very real. We helped move library books up to higher shelves at the library, and we helped in the other ways that I said. So we also didn't know if we were supposed to leave or not.
• 6:59
  Our town was getting evacuated. Parts of the town were getting evacuated. The town next door was getting evacuated. What do we do and where do we go? Because I don't see anything but mountains that at this point are covered in blizzards.
• 7:14
  It has been so epic. I can't even say. And so but the National Guard came, and the National Guard was helping with evacuations. The police were going door to door. National Guard was going door to door.
• 7:31
  And what we were told is that because we were up on this hill, at the top of the hill, really, we were supposed to stay put so that folks in town who were lower could get out and we were not adding to traffic. That was really scary. Talk about taking an opportunity for growth to trust them, even though also admittedly, they didn't know for sure what was gonna happen and it was frightening. And also it made sense. We were at the top of the hill.
• 8:04
  So I made a joke just trying to keep things light about how that's fine. We're at the top of the hill. We'll just watch the flood. And he was like, no, you need to watch the ground and you need to watch the foundation because you're at risk for landslide. What?
• 8:21
  Are you kidding me? So it was a whole epic experience. But basically, at the height of the water, the floods came around the edges of the town. But because roads were being washed away and because they didn't know if the walls failed or the levee failed or anything, like these kinds of things, downtown was blocked off and we weren't supposed to go there. So really, it was like our hill became an island temporarily.
• 8:55
  Now, most of this is metaphorical in our head, of course, right? And so, and the image of this, even the metaphorical image in my own brain, really reminded me of all the way back in the pandemic when I lost my first therapist and Nathan went to care for his parents. We didn't know how long the pandemic was gonna be. We lost all the support that had been helping the kids, the physical therapists and occupational therapists. And, like, the best thing we could do was make sure they were playing outside and active and doing the exercises and things like all the things we knew how to do, we had to practice on our own.
• 9:39
  And it was so isolating and so terrifying and so exhausting. And I had this image at the time that I talked about on the podcast where it felt like part of me just had to be banished to an island while I tried to survive what was happening in now time. So banished may not have been the right word in English because it sounds punitive. Obviously, it sounds punitive, but I didn't mean it in a punitive way. I did not know how else to explain the extreme exile experience that also was intentional.
• 10:25
  Right? So then feeling extra disconnected from myself. And what happened between then and now is really fuzzy, and that's what has been so good that I've been talking about. If you've heard it, maybe it hasn't aired yet, about bringing the original episodes back, of hearing those connections of what has happened over time and how one thing leads to another thing and what I have been learning along the way, even while waiting on good therapy and also now having good therapy so that even during the flood, we could check-in with our therapist to make sure she wasn't drowning because we had a therapist to check-in with, right? Does that make sense?
• 11:16
  And so looking at these layers, feeling this connection to the island from vanishment from during the pandemic to the island from the flood happening in now time really brought up a lot for me. That along with the kids talking about the chicken party on that episode brought me back to so many memories that really did like talk about flooding. The memories just flooded over me from when we were in Oklahoma, when I was living with Nathan. Because I think when I left Oklahoma, it was just so hard that I just let all of that pause. And so going back to that island metaphorically, internally, really reconnected me to a lot of that in ways I hadn't thought about in a long time.
• 12:11
  And I even went, I did this on the ShareCast so people could see because I wanted to share pictures. Maybe I can publish some on Substack or, in the community. But going back to really what was writing that I did before I ever had the podcast. So there's like these writings that I did before the podcast to the point of getting the children, and that writing all was saved through the book about our family, that first memoir. And then from there, we have the podcast that is like like, I'm trying to find my own timeline, right?
• 13:00
  And from there, we have the podcast and our whole history on the podcast, plus the memoir that came from that, so the second memoir, and then connecting through to now going back for the first time in hindsight, as we bring back original episodes intentionally, it just felt like there was starting to be structure to where I could connect to my own timeline and also reconnect to myself after such intentional work about leaving Oklahoma, everything with religious trauma, everything that is happening politically, all of these things that come back to safety. And also when we have safety, those things are easier to access. Right? And what it is that I'm accessing is myself. So last night on the ShareCast, I went to these old writings and I have it all printed in books.
• 14:15
  Not like books you can buy or that you can sell, just like books I had printed of old essays and scripture studies and these different things that I had done for years and years and years. But in them were these amazing pictures and essays of some of those stories. Everything from getting my cochlear implants and seeing those pictures again from the actual staples in my head, like, so graphic, I won't go into detail. But seeing those pictures of like, oh, yeah, this left one was the first one. I got it in June.
• 14:57
  This one, the right one, I got in December. And what a brutal year that was of healing and recovery. All the way from that to the final pictures of my mom, to a picture I didn't even realize I had with my dad, to marrying Nathan and how, like, that was arranged in such a way that he came home. He was living in New York and he came home to visit his parents for father's day weekend. And he was there for, I think, three days.
• 15:36
  And I saw him for a date each of those days. And then he went back to New York. And then in the summer, I went to New York and stayed with his bishop so everything was appropriate. Right? And then we had three dates that weekend.
• 16:03
  And then I came back to Oklahoma. And then he flew down in October, and we got married after only, like, six days together in person. We got married, and then he flew back to New York. Like, I think until Thanksgiving, I'll have to ask him. I think until Thanksgiving, he is still in New York.
• 16:26
  And then he came back, and then it was, like, the death of my parents. Bam. Bam. And I even read part of the essay that I wrote about getting the news that my mom died. And I know part of that is in the I think both memoirs actually.
• 16:45
  But it was powerful to just sit with and remember and feel that, I guess. But also not all of it was bad. Like like, one of the reasons I even church aside, religious trauma aside, one of the reasons I was really willing to marry Nathan, aside from the motivating factors of, like, I could sacrifice being gay if that meant saving my parents an eternity, that's the religious trauma part. Right? And I was willing I did that willingly to the degree I understood things.
• 17:23
  I understand things differently now, but I did that willingly. But what was really, what really but what I really appreciated was that I was safe with him emotionally and mentally in the I don't mean about religious trauma pieces. I'm not like, I don't mean to downplay that or or any of that. But I mean, when I shared something with him, he was safe with that. He always believed in me and the good in me.
• 18:07
  And I think that is what I mean when I say he is kind. I think some of us with religious trauma are so quick to assume that we are in danger or someone is endangering us that we don't follow through on giving people a chance. And he really taught me how to trust the good in people, even when people are struggling because of trauma and deprivation. I know that that's tricksy and I'm not sure I have non church words for that, but something akin to compassion despite circumstances and not in a making excuses way or a toxic positivity way either. He just really gifted me with that, and it created so much safety.
• 19:06
  Plus the things that we did together, like when we hang out together, we legitimately have a lot of fun. And so he also, even with his depression, which he's been very public about, can hold a lot of space for joy, which helped me hold on to hope, because I think I needed that foundation of being able to be fully me. I had, my mother was so, so depressed and I was not allowed to have joy and really part of who I am is soaking in and expressing the good and the truth and the authentic and the vulnerable in ways that contribute to the balance of things in ways that I hope that bring healing. And I don't mean saying that, oh, like, I'm awesome, and I'm good at this. I mean, that is one of the things I have capacity to help with and support with when there's lots of other things I'm not good at, like being on time or Excel spreadsheets.
• 20:18
  Right? And so seeing those pictures with him and us, like the paper flowers, when we got married, I made all of the flowers for our wedding out of paper and out of books. And you're seeing how pretty it was and how fun that was and that being something that we shared and that he could appreciate without ever taking it away from me. So, like, his art and my art were very, very different, and that was always okay. Like, the chicken party, I'm gonna just have him tell you about the chicken party again.
• 21:01
  I know we've talked about it in the past, and I know the kids are saying that one time we did the chicken party with the community. I don't remember that. But I know it's been a long time, so I'm gonna I'm just gonna ask him about it. But, we could parallel play together very well in our art without either of us doing it wrong or being bad or being torn down by the other. Right?
• 21:33
  You can we can uplift and support each other without one of us having to be bad or to be wrong, which is so interesting because the culture around us was so shiny, happy, but that was a really healthy aspect. And I really got a lot of strength from that, and it's part of why I could be so expressive. So he did not ever make me smaller, And that is what I am talking about when I say that he was safe and he was kind. I know there's religious trauma layers. I know there's the impact of his own struggles with depression and things like that.
• 22:23
  In the same way that my dissociation or my trauma added baggage that was hard in some ways. And also neither of us were bad or malicious with that. And neither of us weaponized it against the other, I don't think. So I don't mean in a euphoric recall kind of way. I just mean, like, why was me as a person, why was I okay in that relationship for a decade?
• 22:50
  That's why. There was so much good in it and so much good about it. And those are things that we get to take into our co parenting relationship and things we get to take into our friendship. Created, We never had biological children the way was expected of us in shiny happy language, but we absolutely created a family together, and I love our kids. We also co created a lot of experiences.
• 23:19
  When our youngest was born, we knew two things. One, that she was going to have a lot of medical problems, and two, she was not likely to live long. We knew this because her half sister was already adopted. Our middle girl was already adopted. And so, we already knew the mother, and there were so many challenges that she faced during that pregnancy.
• 23:49
  They kept telling us that child is going to have issues, that child is going to have issues because of this and this and this. So we knew something, but we didn't know what. And when she was born and had all the problems that she had, and originally was on hospice, one of the things that came up was this battle between do they just leave her in the hospital and let her pass, or do we go through the process of actually bringing her home to pass away? And then having the paperwork and documentation of what would be ready and what we would need if that were to happen. And so we learned through all of that together, but then we thought about like, what about other foster babies that this is happening to, or foster parents who don't know, or hospitals who don't have choices?
• 24:38
  What are we gonna do about that? And so we created this it wasn't a nonprofit because it was going because the state was asking about it, and the people at the I worked at the hospital at the time, and so the hospital had questions and people I knew were talking and networking and trying to support. And so we did file this, like, business paperwork. I don't know what it's called, the licensing, whatever, to open what we were gonna call Kyrie's Kids, where foster babies could get placed in, a group home, and we had a property ready, like kind of a group home setting where volunteers could come hold the babies while they were sick and nurses could come in to take care of them in a home setting while they passed away. Now, this never happened.
• 25:31
  It was an idea that we had. We had the paperwork ready. We filed the paperwork and we were going to, and right as we did, they changed the laws about how group homes were defined and how kids, foster kids could be placed, and they can no longer be placed in that kind of setting. So what we did instead was help with some curriculum writing about what those families need for support to be able to do that. And so it was an idea that we had, this is classic for me and Nathan, an idea that we had that didn't actually get to come to fruition, and also still change the world for those kids.
• 26:11
  So for example, one of the people that we keep our kids close to because attachment is this woman who used to babysit our two youngest boys before they were in foster care. Later, she was able to go to school to become a hairstylist. That may not be the right words. I'm sorry if that's the wrong language, But she was able to open her own salon. And she is a BIPOC woman.
• 26:43
  And if I am not braiding the girl's hair, she is the one braiding the girl's hair. And we take the boys also to visit her because attachment, right? So we have so many of these people that we were able to keep in the kids' lives so that they can maintain attachment even though adoption happened. We have not talked about this enough on the podcast. Adoption is traumatic.
• 27:10
  There's nothing about adoption that is not traumatic. Adoption is always a story of loss. And we really need to hold space for that and honor that even in the context of complex trauma and dissociation. But being aware of that, one thing that we tried really hard to do, not perfectly because we are human, but that we tried really hard to do was to maintain these attachments with community members for our kids. So for example, the kids had the same doctor their whole lives because she was an attachment figure they could maintain before, during, and after foster care.
• 27:50
  Does that make sense? And so this woman is another one of those who had babysit the two younger boys, but then became the braider of the hair for the two older girls. Right? So isn't that interesting? And we were able to keep those attachment connections.
• 28:08
  But she ended up becoming one of the foster parents that got one of Kirier's kids to and really tended to that child while that child passed away. So it became full circle and we still got to participate in that in a very distant way. Like she did all of that love and care, but we got to participate in supporting her and maintaining the attachment with the kids. And it really was just a beautiful experience. The other thing we co created similarly is later when Kiriade did not pass away and did not pass away and did not pass away, what we learned is how much medical equipment and supplies and services cost beyond what Medicaid will pay.
• 28:56
  So even though they had state Medicaid because they were foster kids, there were things like I'm trying to think of random examples. If Kirillet got life flighted to a hospital out of state, they would pay for that flight but not the flight back. Or they would pay they would not pay the hospital if it was out of state unless it was prearranged and pre contracted ahead of time. So we went through all these battles of having to appeal things and having to get and request, which you did. If you don't know that you can, you can.
• 29:35
  You can get a nurse manager assigned to your insurance case, And we had to, get her to help advocate for us and to advocate for Curie and take care of those things. But there were other things that were supply related, like if her tube food costs $600 a month, but they only paid for one box. Or if they paid for a G tube every other month, but hers had to be changed every month. Or if they paid for two cannulas a month, but if she got sick or something happened, then just rinsing out a cannula or reusing a cannula, washing a cannula isn't enough. Like we would have to change it more often.
• 30:17
  And so they wouldn't pay for that. So of course, these things are not thousands of dollars, but over time they add up. And when there's so many different things that are needed, it adds up. So they would pay for the big oxygen tanks at the home, but not the portable concentrator for the car, right? Like things like that.
• 30:36
  And so what we did was start another nonprofit, and I'll have to ask him what it was called. I'm trying to remember. I can't remember what he was gonna call it. Nathan. This one was more Nathan based because what he wanted to do in his creative world was to use some of the theater experiences that he could create to create events people could experience, and the tickets were the money for the tickets to attend the event were used to buy the equipment kids needed.
• 31:13
  So like this little boy got this specialized walker for cerebral palsy kids that had this extra stuff on there that Medicaid wouldn't pay for. And so we were able to do that. But then we didn't keep that nonprofit because we moved to Kansas City. So that he got his walker, right? So, like, on a very small scale, with all that was happening in our lives, we did what we could to help even though it didn't, continue.
• 31:41
  So my point is we had all these experiences that we were able to co create together and really co parenting being the very best thing we created together. And even though it has had its challenges and there has been hard things about that and that even religious trauma we've handled differently. It has been, I don't want to lose the things that are good. And seeing all of these pictures really helped me with that. And so I'm really thinking about that as I go into the holidays this week, the end of the year.
• 32:20
  And, you know, at the end of the year, you're reflecting on things anyway. So what I wanna tell you about is this dream that I had where I was on the island, which is the now time flood hill, except in my dream, it was just like an actual island, almost like a raft. It's I could it was about as big as I was, and so it was not a very big island. It was not the actual hill, but I can see what my brain was doing. But anyway, I was on the island, and I was a whole ocean away from my friend who fell from the rocks.
• 32:57
  Now this part is not in real life. This part is my dream, but that's why I did tell you that part of the story about the rocks. So, I was a whole ocean across from my friend who fell from the rocks and got so badly hurt. And also, even though I was an ocean away, I could see her and I could see what happened and I knew what happened. Now, obviously, this is dream logic, which is like trance logic, except when you're asleep.
• 33:23
  So I was shouting at her, but here's the thing. This part is only in my dream. It was not in real life. When I saw her fall, I saw people run off from the top of the cliff. And I was like, oh my goodness, they pushed her.
• 33:40
  And then they have just left her there. And I was in shock about this, which really is just reflecting everything else. Right? But in my dream logic, I could see that she had fallen. I could see she was not moving, and I was scared she was not okay.
• 33:56
  I so I started signing and started shouting of like, are you okay? Are you okay? Are you okay? But she couldn't hear me. It was like the wind carried it all away.
• 34:07
  She couldn't see me. She couldn't hear me. If I tried shouting, the wind would carry it away. If I waved at her or tried to sign to her, like seagulls would get between us. Like, I had all these obstacles where I literally was not allowed to communicate.
• 34:23
  Right? So again, just reflecting everything. So what I noticed though was that if I said, I see you. Like, I shouted, I see you. I'm holding up my hands like I'm shouting across the ocean.
• 34:38
  I see you. I'm trying to get to you. Like, if I witnessed instead of asking or if I had presence instead of telling her, like, I tried to shout at her to get up, get up, get up, then nothing happened. But if I said, I see you, then the island moved closer to her. So it was like my words became the oars.
• 35:04
  There were no actual oars in my dream, but it was what moved the island closer. So I had to say things like, I see you. I saw them run away. I know you're alone. Like, I had to say these kinds of things to move the island closer and closer and closer.
• 35:23
  And then what came to me once I realized that was that I could use affirmations from recovery, which normally just annoy me. But I realized if I meant them, I could use them. And so I was trying to think of ones I could actually use. So I was trying to think of what I could say and what I could use that was authentic. And if it was about presence for her or authentic to me, the island move closer.
• 35:53
  I realized this work and I kept doing it. I kept doing it until the island got so close that all of a sudden in my dream logic, I am there on the rocks, like on the beach. And so I start running to her and running to her and running to her, but that turned into one of those dreams where you're running but not getting anywhere. So I was running but no distance is being covered and I just can't even breathe because I'm in a panic. I don't know what to do.
• 36:20
  There's nothing I can do to get to her. It's not working. And then I'm like, who is it I'm trying to get to? And how can I not get to her? I thought it was my friend.
• 36:30
  Then I thought it was somebody else. Then I thought it was somebody else. There were so many blank spaces of that in my dream, I could just keep filling in. And also, was nothing I can do. So I realized like, okay, I have to go back to focusing on what I am, how I'm being present for her and authentic to myself.
• 36:50
  And every time I recentered on that, I moved closer to her and the distance got less and less and less until finally what felt like days later, but I don't know how long I was dreaming. I got to her close enough I could reach my hand out. And when she grasped my hand and I looked at her as I pulled her up to stand, it was me. It wasn't my friend. It was me.
• 37:23
  And that was all I needed was to reconnect to myself. And so I went to therapy with this dream of, like, you're not going to believe this, that I've had this dream about reconnecting to myself and how I literally connected the two islands, the one that is now pandemic memory time and now time, and how that experience of realizing that my hill had become an island connected me back in time to that island where I had banished myself, bringing the two together in a way that I have not experienced since then and how having safety that is connection and support so that I'm not alone in hard things, that I am supported through hard things, so that no matter what the traumas are, I am not deprived of safety or presence or permission to exist. That empowered me to reconnect to myself. So I can't thank y'all enough for all the support and also to reconnect to myself and to my own memory time was huge. It was huge.
• 38:59
  And in therapy, I was just sketching these little squares, these rectangles. And I was like, I don't even know what these are. I even showed her. I was like, I don't know what these are. And as we continued this session and telling the story about reconnecting to myself and what a powerful growth week, What a beautiful week this was that was such a corrective experience.
• 39:29
  Like, have been docs before. I have had hard weeks before. I have been through natural disasters before. But to have all of this happen this week plus another Jewish massacre plus all of these things happening at the same time, and it is Hanukkah, which my friend reminded me is about the light in the dark and enoughness and enduring. And that miracle being what gives us capacity to endure through to the other side.
• 40:21
  And then to experience my dream of finally arriving to the other side, reconnecting with myself that was banished on the island and drawing these boxes. And I kept saying to her, I don't know what these boxes are. I don't know what these boxes are. And then I started connecting them. And I said, I think they're on a bookshelf.
• 40:43
  I think they're I think it's a bookshelf. And then drawing more and more and more and just letting it go while we keep talking. I'm just doodling. And I don't know if that's a deaf person thing, a visual person thing, dissociation thing. I don't know what that is, but I'm just doodling.
• 41:00
  And it connecting to all of these different, I don't know, like shelves or something. And I'm remembering telling my therapist about this island, and I'm remembering, oh my goodness. Y'all, I just remembered. I I mean, I have known, but I remembered remembered. And I told my therapist about using the hammock and the ceiling fan to EMDR myself when the pandemic happened and how I was having to brick up all of the things I had unpacked in therapy.
• 41:41
  This was before I got the notebooks back, so I hadn't sorted them into stacks yet, which became chapters. Right? Like, that hadn't happened yet. So I was just trying to brick up internally, box up and brick up all that I could to contain what I could while I had no therapy and the pen and we were in quarantine because of the pandemic. And I'm realizing what I am drawing are the shelves with the bricks pulled down.
• 42:15
  You all not only have I reconnected with myself, but I was able to unbrick the boxes of the things that I had been working on in therapy, which really ultimately, my therapist, of course, is like, oh, what does that represent? I'm like, well and I told her about getting the notebooks back and sorting the papers into stacks and then making those stacks chapters so that I could burn all the pages. And it depends on how you look at it, I guess. Right? Because DID.
• 42:53
  In some ways, it could be topical, like all of these things are in this box and all of these things are in this box. But really, because we focus on it being relational, what it means is whose box is this and whose box is that? And my therapist and I are still new enough that, like, I don't wanna talk a lot about names for lots of reasons, and I don't need to talk I don't need to talk about names on the podcast. That's not safe. And also, just having this experience of looking back through those essays and listening through the original episodes and connecting all of this together with the island and the dream and everything and telling all this to my therapist made me think of when my kids, my triplets got their jobs, we had to turn in their paperwork, which meant I had to open the safes, the little safe boxes that have everybody's passports in there.
• 44:02
  Right? And what is in that also for me is my history, which the friend who fell is the same one who understands this because of her own story that I don't need to get into, but what it's like to have your name changed. And so my kids also had their names changed when they were adopted, different ones in different ways, but their names were changed when they were adopted. That's part of the adoption trauma, part of adoption deprivation. That's again, could be its whole podcast, and maybe we do need to talk about it.
• 44:39
  But I have my name from when I was born. I have my name from when I was adopted. I have my name from when I got married. I have my name from my legal name now. And so I saw all of that paperwork when I was getting their stuff.
• 44:59
  Right? And so I'm telling my therapist about that. And I also have copies in one notebook, like a not a writing journal notebook in a what is it called? Binder, where I also have the few pictures from growing up or few records or things like that, the few of those that I have all in a big notebook. Now here's why this matters.
• 45:26
  That notebook, I or binder, that binder, I take to the spring symposium every year as an example of mapping. Because I can map some of my experiences by what name I had, because of what decade it was, because of what happened to me in that decade, right? There are some mappings that we can do by looking at the pictures from childhood. There are some mappings that we can do by what school I went to, where I lived, which house I lived in. These kinds of things all give me clues to mapping.
• 46:11
  And when I'm looking at this picture with the little rectangles with all the boxes on the shelves, I am seeing suddenly, like, internally, which names and papers and photos and documents go in which of those boxes. And it's like all of a sudden, had access to myself again for the first time in ages. This was amazing. This was amazing. I know it takes time to unpack those boxes.
• 46:46
  There are some boxes that I feel like have been unpacked really well and are as they need to be. There are other boxes. I don't know what's in there, but what I know is that thanks to the focus on safety over the last week and the enormous support that I have had, I was able to access myself, and I am aware of it differently than I have been in years because safety. And do know what my therapist said? Beautiful.
• 47:22
  She said, that is beautiful. And I cried. I cried for a really, really long time. And, also, I'm okay.
• 48:12
  Speaker 2: Thank you so much for listening to us, and for all of your support for the podcast, our books, and them being donated to survivors and the community. It means so much to us as we try to create something that's never been done before, not like this. Connection brings healing. One of the ways we practice this is in community together. The link for the community is in the show notes.
• 48:39
  We look forward to seeing you there while we practice caring for ourselves, caring for our family, and participating with those who also care for community. And remember, I'm just a human, not a therapist for the community, and not there for dating, and not there to be shiny happy. Less shiny, actually. I'm there to heal too, being human together. So, yeah, sometimes we'll see you there.