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A Visit To The Asylum For Aged And Decayed Punsters · Classic Humorous Short Stories from America

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Speaker 1: Story seven of the Best American Humorous short Stories by
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Speaker 1: Alexander Jessop editor. This LibriVox recording is in the public domain.
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Speaker 1: Story seven, A Visit to the Asylum for Aged and
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Speaker 1: Decayed Punsters eighteen sixty one by Oliver Wendell Holmes eighteen
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Speaker 1: o nine eighteen ninety four from The Atlantic Monthly, January
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Speaker 1: eighteen sixty one. Republished in Soundings from the Atlantic eighteen
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Speaker 1: sixty four by Oliver Wendell Holmes, whose authorized publishers are
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Speaker 1: the Houghton Mifflin Company. Having just returned from a visit
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Speaker 1: to this admirable institution, in company with a friend who
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Speaker 1: is one of the directors, we propose giving a short
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Speaker 1: account of what we saw and heard. The great success
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Speaker 1: of the Asylum for Idiots and feeble minded youth, several
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Speaker 1: of the scholars from which have reached considerable distinction, one
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Speaker 1: of them being connected with a leading daily paper in
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Speaker 1: this city, and others having served in the state and
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Speaker 1: national legislatures. Was the motive which led to the foundation
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Speaker 1: of this excellent charity. Our late distinguished townsman Noah dow Esquire,
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Speaker 1: as is well known, bequeathed a large portion of his
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Speaker 1: fortune to this establishment being thereto moved, as his will
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Speaker 1: expressed it by the desire of endowing some public institution
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Speaker 1: for the benefit of mankind. Being consulted as to the
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Speaker 1: rules of the institution and the selection of a superintendent,
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Speaker 1: he replied that all boards must construct their own platforms
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Speaker 1: of operation. Let them select anyhow, and he should be
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Speaker 1: pleased in e how esquire was chosen. In compliance with
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Speaker 1: this delicate suggestion, the Charter provides for the support of
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Speaker 1: one hundred aged and decayed gentleman punsters. On inquiry if
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Speaker 1: there were no provision for females, my friend called my
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Speaker 1: attention to this remarkable psychological fact, namely, there is no
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Speaker 1: such thing as a female punster. This remark struck me forcibly,
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Speaker 1: and on reflection I found that I never knew nor
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Speaker 1: heard of one, though I have once or twice heard
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Speaker 1: a woman make a single detached pan, as I have
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Speaker 1: known a hen to crow. On arriving at the south
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Speaker 1: gate of the asylum grounds, I was about to ring,
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Speaker 1: but my friend held my arm and begged me to
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Speaker 1: rap with my stick, which I did. An old man
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Speaker 1: with a very comical face presently opened the gate and
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Speaker 1: put out his head so you prefer a cane to
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Speaker 1: a bell, do you? He said, and began chuckling and
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Speaker 1: coughing at a great rate. My friend winked at me.
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Speaker 1: You're still here, old Joe, I see, he said to
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Speaker 1: the old man. Yes, yes, and it's very odd considering
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Speaker 1: how often I've bolted nights. He then threw open the
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Speaker 1: double gates for us to ride through. Now, said the
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Speaker 1: old man, as he pulled the gates after us. You've
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Speaker 1: had a long journey. Why how is that, Old Joe,
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Speaker 1: said my friend. Don't you see, he answered, there's the
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Speaker 1: East Hinges on the one side of the gate, and
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Speaker 1: there's the West Hinges on the other side. Ah, we
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Speaker 1: had no sooner got into the yard than a feeble
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Speaker 1: little gentleman with a remarkably bright eye came up to us,
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Speaker 1: looking very serious, as if something had happened. The town
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Speaker 1: has entered a complaint against the Asylum as a gambling
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Speaker 1: a stablishment, he said to my friend the director. What
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Speaker 1: do you mean, said my friend. Why they complain that
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Speaker 1: there's a lottery on the premises, he answered, pointing to
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Speaker 1: a field of that grain, and hobbled away, his shoulders
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Speaker 1: shaking with laughter as he went On entering the main building,
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Speaker 1: we saw the rules and regulations for the asylum conspicuously
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Speaker 1: posted up. I made a few extracts which may be interesting.
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Speaker 1: Section one of verbal Exercises Number five. Each inmate shall
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Speaker 1: be permitted to make puns freely from eight in the
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Speaker 1: morning until ten at night, except during services in the
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Speaker 1: chapel and grace. Before meals six at ten o'clock, the
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Speaker 1: gas will be turned off, and no further puns, conundrums,
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Speaker 1: or other play on words will be allowed to be
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Speaker 1: uttered or to be uttered aloud. Nine inmates who have
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Speaker 1: lost their faculties and cannot any longer make puns shall
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Speaker 1: be permitted to repeat such as may be selected for
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Speaker 1: them by the chaplain out of the work of mister
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Speaker 1: Joseph Miller. Ten violent and unmanageable punsters who interrupt others
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Speaker 1: when engaged in conversation with puns or attempts at the
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Speaker 1: same shall be deprived of their Joseph Millers, and, if necessary,
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Speaker 1: placed in solitary confinement. Section three of deportment. At meals four,
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Speaker 1: no inmate shall make any pun or attempt at the
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Speaker 1: same until the blessing has been asked and the company
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Speaker 1: are decently seated seven. Certain puns having been placed on
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Speaker 1: the Index Expurgatorious of the institution, no inmate shall be
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Speaker 1: allowed to utter them, on pain of being debarred. The
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Speaker 1: perusal of punch and vanity fair, and, if repeated, deprived
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Speaker 1: of his Joseph Miller. Among these are the following allusions
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Speaker 1: to attic salt when asked to pass the salt cellar,
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Speaker 1: remarks on the inmates being mustard, et cetera, et cetera,
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Speaker 1: associating baked beans with the benny factors of the institution,
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Speaker 1: saying that beef eatings is befitting, et cetera, et cetera.
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Speaker 1: The following are also prohibited, excepting to such inmates as
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Speaker 1: may have lost their faculties and cannot any longer make
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Speaker 1: puns of their own. Your own hair or a wig,
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Speaker 1: it will be long enough, et cetera, et cetera, little
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Speaker 1: of its age, et cetera, et cetera. Also playing upon
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Speaker 1: the following words hospital mayor pun pitied bread sauce, et cetera,
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Speaker 1: et cetera, et cetera. See Appendix Expurgatorious printed for use
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Speaker 1: of inmates. The subjoined conundrum is not allowed. Why is
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Speaker 1: hasty pudding? Like the Prince because it comes attended by
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Speaker 1: its suite, nor this variation to it to wit because
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Speaker 1: the lasses run after it. The superintendent who went round
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Speaker 1: with us had been a noted punster in his time
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Speaker 1: and well known in the business world, but lost his
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Speaker 1: customers by making too free with their names, as in
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Speaker 1: the famous story he set afloat in twenty nine of
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Speaker 1: four jerries attaching to the names of a noted judge,
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Speaker 1: an eminent lawyer, the secretary of the Board of Foreign Missions,
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Speaker 1: and the well known landlord at Springfield. One of the
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Speaker 1: four jerries he added, was of gigantic magnitude. The play
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Speaker 1: on words was brought out by an accidental remark of Solomon's,
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Speaker 1: the well known banker capital punishment. The jew was overheard saying,
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Speaker 1: with reference to the guilty parties, he was understood as
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Speaker 1: saying a capital pun is meant, which led to an
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Speaker 1: investigation and the relief of the greatly excited public mind.
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Speaker 1: The superintendent showed some of his old tendencies as he
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Speaker 1: went round with us. Do you know he broke out
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Speaker 1: all at once? Why they don't take steps in tartary
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Speaker 1: for establishing insane hospitals. We both confessed ignorance, because there
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Speaker 1: are no mad people to be found there, he said,
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Speaker 1: with a dignified smile. He proceeded to introduce us to
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Speaker 1: different inmates. The first was a middle aged scholarly man
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Speaker 1: who was seated at a table with a Webster's Dictionary
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Speaker 1: and a sheet of paper before him. Well, what luck
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Speaker 1: to day, mister Mouser, said the superintendent. Three or four only,
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Speaker 1: said mister Mouser, Will you hear him? Now? Now I'm here,
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Speaker 1: we all know, don't you see? Webster errs in the
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Speaker 1: words centur and theatur. If he spells leather leather and
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Speaker 1: feather feather, isn't there danger that he'll give us a
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Speaker 1: bad spell of weather? Besides, Webster is a resurrectionist. He
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Speaker 1: does not allow you to rest quietly in the mold.
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Speaker 1: And again, because mister Worcester inserts an illustration in his text,
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Speaker 1: is that any reason why mister Webster's publishers should hitch
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Speaker 1: one on in their appendix. It's what I call a
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Speaker 1: connect to cut trick. Why is his way of spelling
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Speaker 1: like the floor of an oven? Because it is underbred,
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Speaker 1: Mouser said the superintendent. That word is on the index.
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Speaker 1: Oh forgot, said mister mouser. Please don't deprive me of
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Speaker 1: vanity fair this one time, sir. These are all the
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Speaker 1: this morning, Good day, gentlemen. Then to the superintendent, adieu, sir.
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Speaker 1: The next inmate was a semi idiotic looking old man.
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Speaker 1: He had a heap of block letters before him, and
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Speaker 1: as we came up, he pointed, without saying a word,
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Speaker 1: to the arrangements he had made with them on the table.
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Speaker 1: They were evidently anagrams, and had the merit of transposing
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Speaker 1: the letters of the words employed without addition or subtraction.
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Speaker 1: Here are a few of them. Times Smite, post stop, Tribune, true,
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Speaker 1: nib world, doctor, Owl, advertiser, race vari dat is true,
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Speaker 1: read allopathy, all of the pay homeopathy of the oh
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Speaker 1: oh my pa. The mention of several New York papers
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Speaker 1: led me to two or three questions. Thus, whether the
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Speaker 1: editor of the Tribune was h G really, if the
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Speaker 1: complexion of his politics were not accounted for by his
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Speaker 1: being an eager person himself, Whether Wendell Phillips was not
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Speaker 1: a reduced copy of John Knox, Whether a New York
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Speaker 1: Foya tunist is not the same thing as a fellow
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Speaker 1: down east. At this time, a plausible looking bald headed
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Speaker 1: man joined us, evidently waiting to take part in the conversation.
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Speaker 1: Good morning, mister Wriggles, said the superintendent. Anything fresh this morning,
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Speaker 1: any conundrum? I haven't looked at the cattle, he answered, dryly. Cattle?
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Speaker 1: Why cattle? Why to see if there's any corn under um?
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Speaker 1: He said, and immediately asked why is Douglas like the earth?
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Speaker 1: We tried but couldn't guess because he was flattened out
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Speaker 1: at the poles, said mister Wriggles, A famous politician, formerly,
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Speaker 1: said the Superintendent. His grandfather was a sea's hessianist in
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Speaker 1: the Revolutionary War. By the way I hear the freeze
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Speaker 1: oil doctrines don't go down at New Bedford. The next
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Speaker 1: inmate looked as if he might have been a sailor formerly.
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Speaker 1: Ask him what his calling was, said the Superintendent. Followed
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Speaker 1: the sea, he replied, to the question put by one
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Speaker 1: of us, went as mate in a fishing schooner. Why
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Speaker 1: did you give it up because I didn't like working
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Speaker 1: for two masters, he replied. Presently, we came upon a
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Speaker 1: group of elderly persons gathered about a venerable gentleman with
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Speaker 1: flowing locks, who was propounding questions to a row of inmates.
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Speaker 1: Can any inmate give me a motto for m Burger?
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Speaker 1: He said? Nobody responded for two or three minutes. At last,
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Speaker 1: an old man, whom I at once recognized as a
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Speaker 1: graduate of our university on No. Eighteen hundred, held up
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Speaker 1: his hand. Ramacu tetiget go to the head of a class, Joscelyn,
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Speaker 1: said the venerable Patriarch. The successful inmate did as he
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Speaker 1: was told, but in a very rough way, pushing against
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Speaker 1: two or three of the class. How is this, said
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Speaker 1: the Patriarch, You told me to go up, Joscelyn, he replied.
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Speaker 1: The old gentleman, who had been shoved about, enjoyed the
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Speaker 1: pun too much to be angry. Presently, the Patriarch asked again,
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Speaker 1: why was m Burger authorized to go to the dances
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Speaker 1: given to the Prince. The class had to give up this,
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Speaker 1: and he answered it himself, because every one of his
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Speaker 1: carombs was a ticket to the ball. Who collects the
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Speaker 1: money to defray the expenses of the last campaign in Italy,
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Speaker 1: asked the Patriarch. Here again the class failed. The war
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Speaker 1: clouds rolling done, he answered, And what is mulled wine
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Speaker 1: made with three or four voices exclaimed at once sizzly
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Speaker 1: Madeira here. A servant entered and said, lunch and time.
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Speaker 1: The old gentlemen, who have excellent appetites dispersed at once,
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Speaker 1: one of them politely asking us if we would not
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Speaker 1: stop and have a bit of bread and a little
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Speaker 1: mite of cheese. There is one thing I have forgotten
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Speaker 1: to show you, said the superintendent, the cell for the
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Speaker 1: confinement of violent and unmanageable punsters. We were very curious
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Speaker 1: to see it, particularly with reference to the alleged absence
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Speaker 1: of every object upon which a play of words could
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Speaker 1: possibly be made. The Superintendent led us down some dark
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Speaker 1: stairs to a corridor, then along a narrow passage, than
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Speaker 1: down a broad flight of steps into another passageway, and
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Speaker 1: opened a large door which looked out on the main entrance.
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Speaker 1: We have not seen the cell for the confinement of
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Speaker 1: violent and unmanageable punsters, we both exclaimed. This is the cell,
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Speaker 1: he exclaimed, pointing to the outside prospect. My friend, the
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Speaker 1: director looked me in the face so good naturedly that
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Speaker 1: I had to laugh. We like to humor the inmates,
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Speaker 1: he said. It has a bad effect, we find on
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Speaker 1: their health and spirits. To disappoint them of their little pleasantries.
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Speaker 1: Some of the jests to which we have listened are
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Speaker 1: not new to me, though I dare say you may
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Speaker 1: not have heard them often before, the same thing happens
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Speaker 1: in general society, with this additional disadvantage that there is
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Speaker 1: no punishment provided for violent and unmanageable punsters as in
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Speaker 1: our institution. We made our bow to the Superintendent and
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Speaker 1: walked to the place where our carriage was waiting for us.
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Speaker 1: On our way, an exceedingly decrepit old man moved slowly
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Speaker 1: toward us, with a perfectly blank look on his face,
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Speaker 1: but still appearing as if he wished to speak. Look,
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Speaker 1: said the director, that is our centenarian. The ancient man
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Speaker 1: crawled toward us, cocked an eye with which he seemed
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Speaker 1: to see a little up at us, and said, sarvant,
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Speaker 1: young gentleman, why is a A A like a A ah?
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Speaker 1: Give it up because it's a a a ah. He
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Speaker 1: smiled a pleasant smile, as if it were all plain enough.
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Speaker 1: One hundred and seven last Christmas, said the director of
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Speaker 1: late years. He puts his whole conundrums and blank, but
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Speaker 1: they please him just as well. We took our departure cure,
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Speaker 1: much gratified and instructed by our visit, Hoping to have
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Speaker 1: some future opportunity of inspecting the records of this excellent
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Speaker 1: charity and making extracts for the benefit of our readers.
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Speaker 1: End of Story seven.