Latest / Sex & Porn Addiction Recovery with Russell Beebe / The Truth About Sex Addiction: How to Know If You Have a Problem
Transcript
- 0:00SPEAKER_00: How do you know if what's going on is actually a sex addiction?
- 0:03SPEAKER_00: Because sex addiction doesn't look the same in every man.
- 0:06SPEAKER_00: Cheating can be a terrible decision you made or can be part of something much bigger that you fully haven't understood yet.
- 0:11SPEAKER_00: I'm Russell Beebe, I'm a licensed mental health counselor and certified sex addiction therapist, and I've helped hundreds of men work through exactly this.
- 0:18SPEAKER_00: And if your marriage is already hanging by a thread, guessing wrong here can cost you your wife, your family, and a lot more than one bad decision.
- 0:26SPEAKER_00: So let me show you the science I look for when I'm trying to tell the difference between a bad behavior and a sex addiction.
- 0:32SPEAKER_00: So what I'm gonna do in this video is I'm gonna walk you through what I call a threefold illness, which is sex addiction, and try to distinguish that from somebody who maybe has control, maybe they cheated on their wife one time, or they've had some sexual behavior that bothers them and they're able to stop on their own.
- 0:47SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna make the clear distinction between what a sex addiction is, which is a threefold illness, and somebody that can stop on their own.
- 0:56SPEAKER_00: So the first part of the illness is what I call a physical compulsion.
- 0:59SPEAKER_00: And this is really simply when the person starts, they can't stop.
- 1:03SPEAKER_00: So I'm gonna give you an example.
- 1:04SPEAKER_00: This is sort of taken from an array of experiences with clients.
- 1:07SPEAKER_00: Some of it is my own personal experience.
- 1:09SPEAKER_00: But here's how this physical compulsion plays out in an addiction.
- 1:13SPEAKER_00: What happens is the person just starts the behavior.
- 1:15SPEAKER_00: So for a lot of people, myself included, it would start with pornography.
- 1:19SPEAKER_00: And so let's just say as an example of what I see a lot in the people that we work with.
- 1:24SPEAKER_00: Man sits down at work or at home, it's late at night.
- 1:27SPEAKER_00: In the evening, he starts looking at some pornography.
- 1:29SPEAKER_00: One thing leads to another.
- 1:30SPEAKER_00: Maybe he flirts with an ex-girlfriend on Facebook.
- 1:33SPEAKER_00: Maybe he gets into a chat room, maybe he does some sexting, maybe he does some webcaming.
- 1:38SPEAKER_00: But the point is here that he starts the behavior and it kind of sucks him in.
- 1:43SPEAKER_00: And he goes into this trance-like state and a routine.
- 1:46SPEAKER_00: And this routine, there's different types of variations for different types of sex addicts and different men.
- 1:52SPEAKER_00: And the same person might have different routines.
- 1:55SPEAKER_00: But the point is that when they start, they can't stop.
- 1:59SPEAKER_00: And that's the important thing.
- 2:00SPEAKER_00: So he might start looking at pornography, goes from one thing to the next thing.
- 2:04SPEAKER_00: And then maybe he'll go to bed and then he'll wake up in the morning and then he's at work and the compulsion is still in his veins.
- 2:10SPEAKER_00: And he starts looking at pornography, starts chatting again.
- 2:13SPEAKER_00: And then maybe that moves into looking at escort sites.
- 2:16SPEAKER_00: And then maybe he sends a message to a couple of escorts.
- 2:19SPEAKER_00: And then he's at this point, he the train is rolling and the compulsion is on and the trance is on.
- 2:24SPEAKER_00: And it's it's almost like nothing else matters.
- 2:27SPEAKER_00: And this is where, for a sex addict, this is where they really get the juice.
- 2:30SPEAKER_00: Because what happens when they're in this trance-like state, when they're in the routine, they're not thinking about anything else.
- 2:36SPEAKER_00: There's no work stress, there's no life stress, no family stress, there's no issues with their partner, there's no issues with their family.
- 2:41SPEAKER_00: Everything kind of melts away and they and they numb out.
- 2:44SPEAKER_00: So this guy's going along, and then maybe what he does is after work, and again, this is different for everybody.
- 2:51SPEAKER_00: After work, he actually goes, he sleeps with a prostitute, and then all of a sudden, when he's done, he's like, What the hell did I just do?
- 2:57SPEAKER_00: And he's rushing home to get home before his wife gets home from work to take a shower and act like nothing has happened.
- 3:02SPEAKER_00: And that person, and and he's now after the acting out episode, and he feels a lot of shame and guilt and despair.
- 3:10SPEAKER_00: And this is where the promise comes in, where he says, I'm never gonna do that.
- 3:13SPEAKER_00: I can't believe I just did that.
- 3:14SPEAKER_00: Or maybe, you know, at in some circumstances he might have gotten caught.
- 3:17SPEAKER_00: He promises his partner or his wife he's never gonna do it again.
- 3:20SPEAKER_00: But there's usually a promise and that comes along with all that fear, shame, and guilt and despair that comes along from the behaviors that he makes a promise.
- 3:28SPEAKER_00: And if you hooked him up to a lie detector, he would pass.
- 3:31SPEAKER_00: If he and you said, Are you ever gonna do this again?
- 3:34SPEAKER_00: He would say no, and he would pass that lie detector.
- 3:37SPEAKER_00: So this physical compulsion is a trance and a routine.
- 3:41SPEAKER_00: And that's very different than somebody that, like, you know, gets drunk out at a bar and cheats on his wife and feels bad about it, and the next day he's able to stop.
- 3:48SPEAKER_00: This is very different for a sex addict.
- 3:50SPEAKER_00: Sex addict goes into this trance and this routine.
- 3:53SPEAKER_00: And over time, that actually progresses.
- 3:55SPEAKER_00: So rarely does a sex addict just start with, for example, in in the other example, sleeping with an S-cort.
- 4:02SPEAKER_00: For that person, largely what happens is that started, it's a progression of a sex addiction over many years.
- 4:08SPEAKER_00: So it started with pornography and then went from that to womanizing to different things.
- 4:13SPEAKER_00: And then, you know, over time, the addiction really takes hold.
- 4:16SPEAKER_00: That physical compulsion really takes hold and it starts to be different types of things, different types of pornography, different types of behaviors, and then maybe flirting with the idea of sleeping with a prostitute sometimes for many, many years, and then actually doing it and then doing it again.
- 4:28SPEAKER_00: And so it started with pornography, but that same person that was just looking at pornography is now cheating on his wife with escorts or cheating on his wife with whoever, whatever the routine might be, the infidelity behaviors.
- 4:40SPEAKER_00: But it didn't start that way.
- 4:41SPEAKER_00: And then all of a sudden he's like, How did my how did my life get this way?
- 4:44SPEAKER_00: Well, the truth is it progressed over many years.
- 4:46SPEAKER_00: Sometimes as early as age 12, when when people most people, you know, get exposed to pornography the first time, that that progressed over many years.
- 4:55SPEAKER_00: And then all of a sudden, this addiction has this hold, and he goes into these routines in this trance-like state when he's acting out, and the end of which is usually really terrible behavior that can cause his wife to get upset and to threaten divorce and to lose his family and to lose his job.
- 5:10SPEAKER_00: And then he does it and he's like, Oh my God, what's what's gonna happen?
- 5:14SPEAKER_00: Am I gonna get caught?
- 5:15SPEAKER_00: Am I gonna get arrested?
- 5:16SPEAKER_00: Are they gonna come knock down my door?
- 5:17SPEAKER_00: Am I gonna lose my marriage?
- 5:19SPEAKER_00: I'm never gonna do this again.
- 5:20SPEAKER_00: And they make that promise.
- 5:21SPEAKER_00: And then that same person, and this is the second part of this, the mental obsession, the obsession of the mind.
- 5:28SPEAKER_00: That same person, and I did this for years, I make the promise and I'm never gonna do it again.
- 5:33SPEAKER_00: And again, if you hook me up to a lie detector, I would pass it.
- 5:35SPEAKER_00: Yes, I'm never gonna do it again.
- 5:37SPEAKER_00: But that same person has a mental obsession, an obsession of the mind.
- 5:41SPEAKER_00: And the way that that works is after that promise, usually three days, a couple of weeks, sometimes even a couple of months, sometimes the very next day after making that promise, what happens is that person gets this effect, like almost like a withdrawal effect, like what a drug addict gets, and they get restless, irritable, and discontent.
- 6:01SPEAKER_00: So I can remember being at work, right?
- 6:03SPEAKER_00: And it's you know, 10 in the morning, 11 in the morning.
- 6:06SPEAKER_00: I'm starting to feel restless, irritable, and discontent.
- 6:08SPEAKER_00: I feel a lot of shame and guilt about what I did a couple of days before, and I start to feel this restless, irritable discomfort inside of me.
- 6:14SPEAKER_00: Maybe there's some job stress, or I've got something on my mind, or I have a resentment at my boss, or I'm feeling fear about something, and this restless, irritable, and discontent kicks in.
- 6:24SPEAKER_00: And then all of a sudden there's this little thought in the back of my mind that says, hey, it might be nice to look at pornography.
- 6:29SPEAKER_00: And I start to, and I say to myself, no, I'm not gonna do that because I promised myself I'm not gonna do it, right?
- 6:34SPEAKER_00: So the men I work with, they will promise themselves and their partner or whoever they're never gonna do it again.
- 6:40SPEAKER_00: And then they get that restless, irritable, and discontent starts to eat away at them, and then they get the obsession.
- 6:45SPEAKER_00: Good definition of obsession is a persistent and recurring idea that's stronger than and doesn't respond to reason.
- 6:52SPEAKER_00: So, in other words, that thought, the idea of acting out comes in and it's persistent and reoccurring, keeps coming back and coming back.
- 6:58SPEAKER_00: So that man might be like, No, I'm not gonna do it because I promise myself I'm never gonna do it again.
- 7:02SPEAKER_00: Every time I do it, X, Y, Z happens, but it eats away and eats away and it becomes this raging obsession in their mind.
- 7:08SPEAKER_00: And eventually what we do is we give in to that obsession.
- 7:11SPEAKER_00: It rate it the desire to act out, the desire to get relief from the restless, irritable, and discontent grows and grows and grows to the point where we can't handle it anymore.
- 7:20SPEAKER_00: And then boom, we start the acting out behavior, we start the routine again.
- 7:24SPEAKER_00: And the physical compulsion, the first part I was talking about, hits and we get sucked into that routine and that trance and it goes and goes and goes and goes.
- 7:32SPEAKER_00: And it's like almost like a dissociative state sometimes.
- 7:35SPEAKER_00: And then boom, we're done.
- 7:36SPEAKER_00: Oh my God, what did I just do?
- 7:38SPEAKER_00: I did it again.
- 7:39SPEAKER_00: What am I crazy?
- 7:40SPEAKER_00: Again, promise myself I'm never gonna do it again.
- 7:42SPEAKER_00: And then guess what?
- 7:44SPEAKER_00: The cycle continues.
- 7:45SPEAKER_00: So another couple hours, the next day, a couple of days, usually about three days, the restless irritable and discontent kicks in, obsession of the mind hits, we give into it, and then we do it again.
- 7:54SPEAKER_00: And I did this for years and years and years.
- 7:58SPEAKER_00: And I was hiding it from everybody until I got caught.
- 8:01SPEAKER_00: Obviously, it was, you know, then it was out.
- 8:03SPEAKER_00: But I would hide it for years, and I kept telling myself, tomorrow I'm gonna get it together, tomorrow I'm gonna get back in the program, tomorrow I'm gonna I'm gonna stop for good, and then tomorrow would come, and it's another day for the obsession to hit, and another day for me to get sucked into the trance and routine of acting out.
- 8:17SPEAKER_00: So those two things make you a sex addict.
- 8:19SPEAKER_00: The physical compulsions, when that acting out routine starts, you can't stop.
- 8:23SPEAKER_00: And then when you're stopped, you can't stay stopped because of the obsession of the mind.
- 8:27SPEAKER_00: So trance, acting out, done, promise at some point in the near future, obsession of the mind grows and grows and grows and grows, do it again.
- 8:35SPEAKER_00: And we live in that cycle over and over and over again.
- 8:38SPEAKER_00: And totally normal men without major mental health concerns, maybe very successful men in jobs.
- 8:45SPEAKER_00: This was me working, you know, I'm able to do great things in my life, but with this particular issue, I was not able to stop it.
- 8:52SPEAKER_00: I had that addiction, and that's exactly what an addiction is.
- 8:55SPEAKER_00: After a while, I didn't want to do it anymore, and I promised myself I wasn't gonna do it, and then I did it again.
- 9:01SPEAKER_00: That's what an addiction is.
- 9:02SPEAKER_00: We completely lose control over our ability to stop, and it starts to destroy our lives.
- 9:08SPEAKER_00: And I'm talking destroying our lives by our wives find out, we're putting our our our life and our wife's life at risk, you know, especially if you're out there sleeping with other people and you know, maybe sleeping with escorts, that kind of thing.
- 9:21SPEAKER_00: There's a whole lot we risk legal issues, we risk losing our jobs, and yet we continue doing it because it's an addiction and it has control over our life.
- 9:30SPEAKER_00: We we lack the ability to get the control back and to have any control with it.
- 9:34SPEAKER_00: The addiction is running our life rather than us running our life.
- 9:38SPEAKER_00: And if you remember, I said it was a threefold illness.
- 9:40SPEAKER_00: So the third part is really to go back to the restless, irritable, and discontent, what I call written.
- 9:45SPEAKER_00: And I remember early in recovery when I was getting help from somebody and uh he looked at me and he said, Rustly, you don't have an acting out problem.
- 9:51SPEAKER_00: You don't have a sex addiction problem, you have a sober problem.
- 9:55SPEAKER_00: And I was like, what exactly do you mean by that?
- 9:57SPEAKER_00: And he explained, he was like, you act out not because sex is good, because sex is good, and that's there's nothing wrong with sex and it's a natural God-given thing.
- 10:05SPEAKER_00: You act out because you have this restless, irritable, and discontent.
- 10:09SPEAKER_00: You have a reaction to life, an internal reaction to life that for whatever reason, you need the sexual acting out in order to feel better.
- 10:16SPEAKER_00: So it's really the problem isn't when you're acting out, the problem is when you're sober.
- 10:20SPEAKER_00: The problem is your life problem.
- 10:22SPEAKER_00: So that the problem was that restless, irritable, and discontent.
- 10:26SPEAKER_00: The way that I felt, I couldn't manage my life and my internal states and my emotions without acting out.
- 10:33SPEAKER_00: As soon as I started to feel that restless, irritable, and discontent, sometimes it was, you know, anxiety, depression.
- 10:38SPEAKER_00: As soon as I started to feel something, I needed to numb that out.
- 10:41SPEAKER_00: And I the only way that I knew how to do that was to act out.
- 10:45SPEAKER_00: So when he said you have a sober problem, not an acting out problem, it made it suddenly made a lot of sense.
- 10:51SPEAKER_00: It was a life problem.
- 10:53SPEAKER_00: I couldn't live my life without the acting out to medicate the issues in my life.
- 10:58SPEAKER_00: And so he made that point.
- 10:59SPEAKER_00: And he said, here's the here's the good news about that is if you treat your life issue, your sober problem, better and you start being able to cope with life without acting out, the mental obsession goes away and you break the cycle of the addiction.
- 11:13SPEAKER_00: And as a result, because you're working on your life issue, your life gets better.
- 11:18SPEAKER_00: So we do a lot of things in recovery and we do this stuff in our the program as well, but where we, you know, structure a recovery routine.
- 11:25SPEAKER_00: But recovery long term isn't about just managing the symptoms or the urges, right?
- 11:30SPEAKER_00: You might think the guy just needs to manage his urges and his triggers, but the truth is we can do a little bit of that in structure of the program and relying on other people and a community of other people and making phone calls, like kind of recovery 101, making phone calls when you want to act out, that kind of thing.
- 11:45SPEAKER_00: But long term, what we want to do is we want to treat that underlying restless, irritable, and discontent so that we don't feel terrible in our lives and need to act out to feel better.
- 11:55SPEAKER_00: And so the real key for long-term sobriety, the real key of getting free of the mental obsession and the addiction is to heal the underlying issues, to heal the reaction to life, to heal the restless, irritable, and discontent.
- 12:07SPEAKER_00: And when we do that, the mental obsession goes away, it becomes much easier not to act out.
- 12:12SPEAKER_00: And because we're dealing with treating our life issue, our lives get better.
- 12:17SPEAKER_00: So I no longer struggle with chronic restless, irritable, and discontent.
- 12:21SPEAKER_00: If I get anxious, I have a way to deal with that.
- 12:23SPEAKER_00: I can cope with difficult emotions.
- 12:25SPEAKER_00: If I get a resentment, I can handle that.
- 12:27SPEAKER_00: And I do all of that without acting out, and I have tools that I can help manage that.
- 12:31SPEAKER_00: And guess what?
- 12:33SPEAKER_00: I when I do that, I feel great in my life.
- 12:36SPEAKER_00: And the necessity of acting out is just not there.
- 12:38SPEAKER_00: And it's been over 17 years for me.
- 12:40SPEAKER_00: I'm mostly free from the obsession of the mind.
- 12:43SPEAKER_00: I almost never have the desire to act out.
- 12:46SPEAKER_00: And my life is great.
- 12:47SPEAKER_00: I can work towards my goals.
- 12:48SPEAKER_00: I can be the husband, the father, I can be the man.
- 12:50SPEAKER_00: I can look at myself in the mirror and be proud of the person that I've become.
- 12:54SPEAKER_00: So those three things make it an addiction.
- 12:56SPEAKER_00: Physical compulsion, when I start, I can't stop.
- 12:58SPEAKER_00: Mental obsession, when I'm stopped, I can't stay stop.
- 13:01SPEAKER_00: And then a reaction to life, which I call restless, irritable, discontent rid, that when I'm not acting out, I feel uncomfortable.
- 13:09SPEAKER_00: And that's really the place where we want to treat the addiction in order to get free of this.
- 13:13SPEAKER_00: So to answer that question about is this an addiction for you, is it something you're able to stop or not?
- 13:17SPEAKER_00: So the man who goes and cheats on his wife one time, feels bad, maybe gets honest about it, never does it again, doesn't have to do any program, doesn't have to do any recovery, that person's not a sex addict.
- 13:27SPEAKER_00: Or uh maybe they they do some behaviors right and they feel badly about it, they're able to recognize that, make a decision, and then stop on their own without help.
- 13:37SPEAKER_00: That person has the tendency, but they're not a sex addict.
- 13:40SPEAKER_00: But the guy that I just described with the threefold illness, the man who's completely lost control, and no matter what the consequences are, and no matter how many times he promises himself he's gonna stop, he's not able to do it.
- 13:51SPEAKER_00: So that's how you distinguish between the two.
- 13:54SPEAKER_00: And that's the people that we work with.
- 13:55SPEAKER_00: I work with people that have not only been caught and their marriage is in jeopardy and they've been then participating in in infidelity and cheating behaviors, but they also recognize if I don't get help about with this, then I might not be able to stop on my own.
- 14:10SPEAKER_00: And I'm certainly not gonna be able to repair things in my marriage on my own.
- 14:14SPEAKER_00: I need support and help.
- 14:15SPEAKER_00: Those are the men that we work with in the program.
- 14:17SPEAKER_00: And here's the thing: if this is actually an addiction for you, like it was for me, it's not easy to overcome that.
- 14:25SPEAKER_00: That's why there's such the opinion out there is if he's a cheater, if he's a sex addict, run the other way because he's gonna keep doing it, he's gonna keep lying, he's gonna keep gaslighting.
- 14:33SPEAKER_00: And the truth is that's because it's an for a lot of men, it's an addiction and they're not able to stop.
- 14:38SPEAKER_00: They try to stop on their own, they're not able to run the other way from that person.
- 14:42SPEAKER_00: Drug addiction is the same way.
- 14:43SPEAKER_00: It's the popular opinion in the industry that most addicts in general don't get better.
- 14:49SPEAKER_00: And now we see something very different in our program, and that's because of what we do with people.
- 14:54SPEAKER_00: So the person that has that sex addiction, just like I did, I couldn't just, and I tried this for years, you know, go and, you know, do some therapy once a week.
- 15:01SPEAKER_00: And I tried that for years and it didn't work because you go in, you talk about some things, you leave.
- 15:05SPEAKER_00: And I was, you know, half honest with the therapist and it just didn't work.
- 15:10SPEAKER_00: What a real sex addict needs, what a real addict needs is something more intensive than that.
- 15:15SPEAKER_00: You know, they they not only need the recovery structure, the community of other men, they need a clear recovery routine.
- 15:20SPEAKER_00: They need to actually do certain things in their recovery.
- 15:24SPEAKER_00: At the beginning, they certainly need to learn how to manage urges, but also once that recovery foundation is established, they're then going into that deep self-awareness of looking at where they're restless, irritable, and discontent, where their life issue comes from, and starting to look at the fears and the false beliefs that have a lot of times nothing to do with sex, just has to do with life.
- 15:44SPEAKER_00: They start to look at that, they start to heal at, they start to change.
- 15:48SPEAKER_00: And that's when partners see a real change in their their men that are that are in recovery.
- 15:54SPEAKER_00: I don't want to understate, but that takes a lot of work and it takes clear structure.
- 15:58SPEAKER_00: So I'm a therapist, and for many years I did this, tried to do this in therapy, and they'd come in and they just kind of didn't do the work, right?
- 16:04SPEAKER_00: I'd make certain suggestions and they'd go off and, you know, maybe go to a 12-step group, maybe do the 12-steps, maybe do the assignment that, but there just wasn't a lot of support and accountability.
- 16:13SPEAKER_00: So I put together a recovery coaching program that's 12 weeks, and then, you know, people stay with me for years beyond that.
- 16:20SPEAKER_00: But we have all of that structure in that they come in and we don't just, we don't want to sit down like we're in therapy and get to know each other for months and months before we have a plan.
- 16:28SPEAKER_00: And it takes you years and years to actually overcome this.
- 16:30SPEAKER_00: We dive right in, you go right into the curriculum, you start working through the recovery process.
- 16:35SPEAKER_00: We do the the inner healing work inside a community of other men that are doing the same thing.
- 16:40SPEAKER_00: So you're you've got the recovery process, you've got a community of men, you've got, you know, as an example, there's a group chat where if at you know 12 o'clock at night you're feeling like acting out, you can get in there and you can get support from other people.
- 16:52SPEAKER_00: Um, I'm helping you.
- 16:54SPEAKER_00: I'm another person in recovery.
- 16:55SPEAKER_00: I have coaches at work for me, and we just really wrap around and there's an array of group calls and one-to-ones, and it's much more intensive, more intensive than therapy, but it fits into your life because it's all online.
- 17:07SPEAKER_00: But it's certainly better and more clear than just doing therapy and a hell of a lot less um expensive than going to residential treatment.
- 17:16SPEAKER_00: Residential treatment for sex addiction can cost any, you know, 30, 40, 50,$70,000 for a month.
- 17:21SPEAKER_00: Um, so this works has been working really great.
- 17:23SPEAKER_00: And men have come in that are looking at divorce from cheating and infidelity.
- 17:28SPEAKER_00: They come in, they work their recovery.
- 17:30SPEAKER_00: Most of the couples that stay together actually stay together if he's working his recovery and they heal on this, and we teach them how to have empathetic healing presence with their wives.
- 17:40SPEAKER_00: And so we see a lot of marriages saved through this process as well, which is amazing.
- 17:44SPEAKER_00: So if you're seeing yourself in this story and you're like, yes, that's me, I'm a sex addict, I'm destroying my marriage, I don't know what to do.
- 17:50SPEAKER_00: Somewhere around this video, there's an opportunity to schedule a call with us or to reach out to us to see if it would be a good fit.
- 17:55SPEAKER_00: And you get on a call with one of my recovery advisors, they'll talk about your situation, your wife, your partner can be on that call as well.
- 18:01SPEAKER_00: We'll see what's going on.
- 18:02SPEAKER_00: And if it makes sense, like what we do can help you.
- 18:05SPEAKER_00: If we think we can help you, then we'll talk about what that looks like.
- 18:08SPEAKER_00: And at the very least, if you show up on that call and it's not a fit for you or for us, we'll point you in the right direction and give you some really good tips and structure that you could consider even if you didn't join the program.
- 18:19SPEAKER_00: So somewhere around this video, if you're interested, schedule a call with us, reach out to us, let us know what's going on, and we'll see if we can help you.