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The BIGGEST Lie About Love & 3 Things to Look for in a Partner · INSPIRE STORY

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: I think a lot of the time in relationships, you
• 0:02
  make someone feel broken because you keep fixing them, Whereas
• 0:06
  if you teach people how to heal themselves, then you've
• 0:09
  actually helped them. So I always tell people that loving
• 0:12
  someone means you make them fall more in love with themselves,
• 0:16
  not more in love with you.
• 0:17
  Speaker 2: The best selling Arthor and Post, the.
• 0:19
  Speaker 1: Number one health and wellness podcast.
• 0:21
  Speaker 3: And Purpose with Jay Shetty.
• 0:24
  Speaker 1: Everyone, welcome back to On Purpose, the number one health
• 0:27
  podcast in the world. Thanks to each and every one
• 0:29
  of you that come back every week to become happier,
• 0:32
  healthier and more healed. Now, today's guest is someone who's
• 0:35
  so hard to book, like literally, like the most difficult.
• 0:38
  We we booke these incredible guests every single week, and
• 0:43
  this person, just like I just it's so hard to
• 0:45
  find a spot in their schedule, like no matter how
• 0:47
  much you try, Like we've been working with their team
• 0:49
  for the last two years, this guest hasn't come on
• 0:52
  the show for the last two years. We're talking about
• 0:54
  the one and only my heart, my wife, Radi de
• 0:57
  Lukeia two years. A drink to get you back.
• 1:01
  Speaker 2: I didn't even realize it's been two years, but also,
• 1:03
  what do we have to talk about every year yearly podcast?
• 1:08
  Speaker 4: But also I'm busy so annual check in?
• 1:11
  Speaker 2: I know?
• 1:12
  Speaker 1: Is it?
• 1:13
  Speaker 2: Sorry?
• 1:14
  Speaker 1: Are sharing our challenges, our weird.
• 1:18
  Speaker 2: It's been two years. Though it's been two years, doesn't
• 1:21
  feel like it.
• 1:21
  Speaker 1: It doesn't feel like that.
• 1:22
  Speaker 2: Thank you for having back on.
• 1:23
  Speaker 1: Yeah, I know. Sometimes it's just hard to like.
• 1:25
  Speaker 2: Number one health podcast in the world.
• 1:28
  Speaker 1: Sometimes it's hard to get you to walk from the
• 1:29
  house to the studio. I know, I know.
• 1:33
  Speaker 2: Also eight Rules of Love?
• 1:36
  Speaker 1: Where's the jingle?
• 1:37
  Speaker 2: I know? I need to come up with one. I
• 1:38
  did have one for Think Like a Monk, didn't.
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  Speaker 1: I know? Yeah, you think like among one?
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  Speaker 2: No, make a yeah, I thank you.
• 1:48
  Speaker 1: I know.
• 1:48
  Speaker 2: I'm going to come up with one for that. Yeah
• 1:51
  when it's going to be more of a wrap. I
• 1:53
  feel like we've got a number in it.
• 1:54
  Speaker 1: But the book's already help.
• 1:56
  Speaker 2: I know, I know, I know channeling.
• 1:58
  Speaker 1: What if someone makes a jingle.
• 2:00
  Speaker 2: To read the book and then I'll get inspiration from it?
• 2:02
  Speaker 1: Oh yeah, Rather he doesn't read my book, I'm going to.
• 2:04
  Speaker 2: I actually finish Think like well, nearly finished with Think
• 2:06
  Like a Monk. I've taken a break from it. Was
• 2:08
  just so good. Anytime to digest eight Rules of Love.
• 2:11
  I'm going to start on the plane journey today. And
• 2:14
  I started listening to the podcast a month ago. It's
• 2:19
  a brilliant podcast. Everyone who's listening. You used to listen
• 2:22
  to all the other three hundred episodes. How many have
• 2:25
  you done?
• 2:26
  Speaker 1: Four years? One hundred and fifty episodes? No, four years
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  one hundred episodes a year, so four hundred.
• 2:32
  Speaker 2: Oh my gosh, I've got so much to catch up on.
• 2:34
  But it's really good. Honestly, thanks, I appreciate it.
• 2:38
  Speaker 1: So we're actually recording this in a place that's quite
• 2:42
  meaningful Tridiy and I, when we first started dating, this
• 2:45
  was a place that we'd come for walks, for tea,
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  for hanging out together. It's the Grove Hotel. It's a beautiful,
• 2:53
  beautiful place. I'm so grateful that today we're getting to
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  record this podcast here. I can't wait to go outside
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  and take a walk here, enjoy the grounds. It's a
• 3:01
  really special place to us. So excited to be here
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  at the Grove. Yeah.
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  Speaker 2: I love this place.
• 3:05
  Speaker 1: I love it. But this is going to be fun because,
• 3:07
  as always, what we do when Rady's on the show
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  is we answer questions that my team comes up with.
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  So my team will randomly find ideas and thoughts and
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  topics for us to talk about. We have no idea,
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  We've never seen them, and so you truly get a genuine.
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  Speaker 2: Raw have no idea what we're going to talk about.
• 3:24
  Speaker 1: I me and rather, we have no idea. I will
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  be bringing up some stuff Raley's been working on in
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  the background, which I'm excited about. But yeah, all right,
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  So the first question our team wants us to answer
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  is what was the first? What the So what our
• 3:37
  team wants us to start with is what did we
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  love each other?
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  Speaker 2: So I did. The question that our team wants us
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  to answer first is what did we love most about
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  each other? First? What did we love? What do we
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  love most about each other? Now? What's changed? What's different?
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  And why?
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  Speaker 1: Well said, well done, give it this.
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  Speaker 2: I should basically be the host of this show.
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  Speaker 1: Should basically have a podcast.
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  Speaker 2: I should have a podcast. Okay, So I feel like
• 4:02
  it's pretty much still the same stuff that was from
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  the beginning. You're very consistently the same person in a
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  really good way, Like you're a solid human. You really
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  are like the same. Why are you laughing.
• 4:14
  Speaker 1: It's the same stuff, really the.
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  Speaker 2: Same stuff, but in like the best way, because you
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  have been consistently the same person you said you would
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  the things that you would be at the beginning of
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  the relationship. You are still that person all the good
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  stuff and what would they be let me tell you
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  they are.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah.
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  Speaker 2: You know what's funny about this, I'm not a PDA
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  person and I feel like this is where the podcast
• 4:38
  gets it all because it's consistent questions about it. You're
• 4:42
  extremely honest about who you are at the beginning, which
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  I think was really important. Like you always told me
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  what you were happy to do, not happy to do,
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  your priorities, your values. The main thing is your integrity.
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  Between what you say and what you do and who
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  you are on camera and who you are off right,
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  it's literally the same person. Like what you talk about
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  is the same person as who you are behind closed doors.
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  And I think that that's such a beautiful quality because
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  I think like living with integrity allows you to give
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  yourself so authentically, which means that you're able to just
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  give love constantly because you're you're constantly fueled by yourself.
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  But also you're just forever living in alignment, which is
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  the like people feel that energy from you, and I
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  feel like I feel that every single day, which is
• 5:30
  really cool.
• 5:31
  Speaker 1: Thanks for I actually think that what I loved about
• 5:35
  you when we first met was that You've always been
• 5:38
  absolutely adorable. You're absolutely hilarious.
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  Speaker 2: You're still want to amos something more.
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  Speaker 1: I know I'm saying, what, Yeah, you're You're hilarious, Like,
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  I think you're one of the funniest people. I know.
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  You make me laugh all the time.
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  Speaker 2: Thanks.
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  Speaker 1: And I think I love that I could always be
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  myself around you. I never felt judged and I never
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  felt I had to be a certain person. I never
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  felt like I had to perform or act in a
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  certain way. And I think you really give people permission.
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  I don't think you just do that with me. I
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  think you do that with everyone. You give everyone permission
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  to be who they are, and they don't feel pressurized
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  to impress you or change who they are mold themselves
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  to be more important to you. You like to make
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  everyone feel important for who they are. And I also
• 6:22
  fell in love with just how positive you are in
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  a sense of not positive in the way people think
• 6:27
  about it, like, oh, you're just happy about everything. But
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  positive in the sense that you never liked gossiping about people,
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  or you never like criticizing people, or you never liked
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  comparing yourself to other people. Like you were very happy
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  to let people live their own lives and not get
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  involved in anything negative to do with them, but be
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  happy within yourself. And I thought that was beautiful. Thanks,
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  And I think what's changed, And obviously I still love
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  you for all the same things, but I think what's
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  really amazing is I think you've been on a huge
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  journey to get to know yourself. Yeah, for sure, over
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  the last few years. So we've been together now for
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  nearly ten years, yeah, and we've been married for seven nearly,
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  and I feel like in the last seven years you've
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  truly found yourself and you've discovered who you are trying
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  to you what your values are, and yeah, trying, but
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  a lot has been revealed. And I think I love
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  you for going on that journey so confidently. When you
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  were scared to move to New York when we first
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  got married, So from going from the person who was
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  scared to move to a new city and a new country,
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  which is fair enough to be scared for, to now
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  be someone who's used that as a way of learning
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  about yourself and becoming more confident in who you are.
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  I love you for that because I think that that
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  takes a lot of courage, and I think that it
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  would have been easy to be negative about that, but
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  you didn't do that.
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  Speaker 2: Thanks amazing. This is fun, wonderful, brilliant.
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  Speaker 1: So the next topic that we're going to discuss is
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  rather than I have been on a crazy adventure. In
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  the last seven years, we've moved country, we've moved state,
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  we've moved apartments, we've moved homes, and the question is
• 8:04
  how has our relationship changed, how has it been impacted
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  by all of this, and what have we learned along
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  the way. I think it's really interesting going back to
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  that first question we answered, because I feel like I've
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  stayed so much the same. Yeah, I look at how
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  it's affected me as being very like similar in the
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  sense that I've just kept my head down. I've kept working,
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  I've kept building, kept growing, kept trying to do my best.
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  But I think that it just made me realize how
• 8:31
  not codependent and how tolerant you are. It's really interesting
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  to me, Like I don't think and this is to
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  your credit it's again I think I'm a good partner.
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  But more to your credit that in the last seven years,
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  you never once said to me you don't spend enough
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  time with me, you're never around, or you don't listen
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  to me, and like that is amazing, Like I think
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  that requires so much maturity from you to be so
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  happy in yourself and finding your own self because I
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  think even so I never want you to feel those things,
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  like I feel like I'm sensitive to those things as well.
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  I still feel like if I told you have got
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  to jump on a flight tomorrow, I'm going to be
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  gone for two weeks, that would just be normal to you,
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  Like you wouldn't ever make me feel bad or guilty
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  about that. And so I think that it's made me
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  appreciate you more because we've actually been through so many
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  of the biggest changes. There's a study that showed like
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  the changes that stress people out the most and even
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  put stress on relationships, And it's moving countries up there,
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  moving job is up there, moving home is up there,
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  and then I think it's having kids. So we've literally
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  done three out of the four constantly over the last
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  seven years. And the fact that we've constantly found a
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  way to find our way back to each other and
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  connect with each other, and had the openness to not
• 9:47
  just point the finger and blame or I've just never
• 9:49
  felt like it's been my fault if life's been harder
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  or easier. And so there were times when when we
• 9:55
  were close to being four months away from being broke
• 9:57
  and you didn't change how you felt, And now that
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  things are better, you haven't changed towards me, and so
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  I just feel like that kind of support is really special,
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  where you just feel like someone's consistently in your corner,
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  and that's how I feel with you.
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  Speaker 2: Thanks, I do feel those things. I think again, it
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  goes back to the consistently because you're the same person.
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  It's not been something that you didn't it was always
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  on the table, like change was always on the table.
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  I think now my perspective has changed in the sense
• 10:23
  of before I felt like I really knew where I
• 10:27
  would be living, what I would be doing. You know,
• 10:29
  before we got married, I had an idea of what
• 10:32
  that would be. Now I feel like I live more
• 10:34
  day to day, year to year, not even like expecting
• 10:38
  what the next year is going to bring, or like
• 10:40
  not allowing myself to build expectations of what the next
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  year is going to bring, because I know they could
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  like change is just always happening, and I think I
• 10:47
  used to be someone who was quite scared of change generally,
• 10:49
  and this has really helped me not be like that
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  because we've had so many changes that it's I feel
• 10:57
  like it's a better way of living where there's no
• 10:59
  ex spectation of what's coming next. You just kind of
• 11:02
  live in the flow of what's happening. So yeah, I
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  think in that respect, I think the change part for
• 11:07
  me was scary at the beginning, but became something that
• 11:10
  I was quite excited to embrace because it felt like
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  it kind of felt more like freedom rather than like
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  even though I even though when you're not in control
• 11:18
  you feel like that wouldn't be freedom, actually not expecting
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  to be in control and not knowing what's going to
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  happen feels more free than having that control or thinking
• 11:28
  you have that control. But then also I have those
• 11:31
  times where I'm like, oh, this is great, and then
• 11:32
  like the next one, I'm like, I just want to
• 11:33
  go away to a forest and do like and just
• 11:35
  hide away, like I feel like I go in like
• 11:37
  such two different directions and I feel like you deal
• 11:40
  with that really well, because I am someone who can
• 11:43
  go from being like so excited about something to then
• 11:46
  being like, oh, I just want to delete my Instagram
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  and go live in a forest for like six weeks
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  and not talk to anyone, And you're like, okay, okay,
• 11:54
  that's what you mean. And so yeah, no, I know,
• 11:59
  I just I have like an erraticness about me. So
• 12:02
  I feel like you you handled that pretty pretty well.
• 12:06
  Speaker 1: No, I think you've handled the change remarkably well. I
• 12:08
  don't know anyone else would be able to handle how
• 12:11
  much change we've been through. I don't know the way
• 12:13
  you have. So in my book Eight Rules of Love,
• 12:17
  I talk about how we play different roles in relationships,
• 12:20
  and if you have the book, there's a relationship roles quiz,
• 12:23
  so you can find out which role you've been playing
• 12:26
  in previous relationships or in this one. So the team
• 12:29
  have asked us to answer the question, if we're usually
• 12:32
  a parent, a partner, or a child in a relationship,
• 12:36
  where do we find those dynamics in the way we
• 12:38
  connect with each other? So where do you feel Let's
• 12:41
  start with where do we feel with the parents.
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  Speaker 2: With the parents, I think you've been.
• 12:47
  Speaker 1: My parent when it comes to Yeah, I get the look.
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  Imagine I had like lots of sugar right now in
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  front of me. So you're the parent when it comes
• 13:00
  to my food, because I'm the kid when it comes
• 13:03
  to food, Like, I'm the kid who wants to eat
• 13:05
  sour Patch kids. Yeah, the kid who wants to eat
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  like candy. I'm the kid who wants to eat chocolate,
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  like that's all I want to do because of my
• 13:13
  mom who's sitting here as well. My mom fed me
• 13:15
  for chocolate products a day when I was growing up. Biscuit,
• 13:19
  chocolate yogurt, chocolate bar, chocolate ice creams. I became addicted.
• 13:24
  And then this parent has been learning me from eating sugar.
• 13:27
  So yeah, that's where you're.
• 13:28
  Speaker 2: Definitely also love some sugar in my life.
• 13:30
  Speaker 1: Yeah, but you're you're a bit more. You've had to
• 13:33
  wean me up. So yeah, you've been a parent when
• 13:35
  it comes to that.
• 13:36
  Speaker 2: You've definitely been a parent in you know, they call
• 13:39
  it like midlife crisis. I have like a weekly or
• 13:41
  monthly crisis. You're definitely the parent. And I'm like, I
• 13:45
  don't know what I'm doing. I don't know what I
• 13:47
  don't know whether I want to do what I'm doing
• 13:49
  right now. I don't know whether what I'm doing is
• 13:51
  the right thing. I don't know whether I love it.
• 13:52
  I don't know whether I like it. I don't know
• 13:54
  who I am. That's pretty much what happens every month.
• 13:58
  And you're definitely the parent in that situation. Yeah, but
• 14:01
  parents slash partner like you you're not like telling me
• 14:04
  what to do. You're kind of guiding me through, so
• 14:06
  I say you're also I feel like you're not very
• 14:08
  parenting in many you're not.
• 14:10
  Speaker 4: Parents in the health stuff either, Like I've always said,
• 14:12
  like I've never yeah you know what you mean, judged,
• 14:14
  been criticized or like it's not like you're like telling me,
• 14:17
  but like guid Yeah, parent is just the person who's
• 14:20
  making you, looking after you and you're being.
• 14:21
  Speaker 2: Child Yeah, Childlike I definitely am that in that situation. Yeah,
• 14:26
  I think like running late for things and getting to
• 14:30
  places on time and making sure I like actually follow
• 14:35
  through with things, plan out my life.
• 14:41
  Speaker 1: I feel like I feel like I'm a child sometimes
• 14:45
  when I'm like like just being being literally being a child,
• 14:49
  and I'm just like love me now just being like
• 14:52
  a kid about like wanting attention and just being a
• 14:55
  bit moody.
• 14:56
  Speaker 2: And like you don't like throw yourself on the floor
• 14:59
  and to it.
• 15:00
  Speaker 1: I still put that voice on sometimes I'm doing that.
• 15:04
  So then that's when I'm like being a child for sure.
• 15:07
  Where else I.
• 15:08
  Speaker 2: Think that's it. I didn't think you much of a
• 15:10
  child in that respect a parent and then we were
• 15:14
  a child now.
• 15:15
  Speaker 1: No parent, child and partners, So partner is when you're
• 15:17
  like actually supporting each other.
• 15:18
  Speaker 2: Yeah, and I.
• 15:19
  Speaker 1: Think we do that overall. Say that that's overall where
• 15:23
  I think you've been my partner. For my health, I
• 15:25
  think I think you've been a great partner when it
• 15:26
  comes to like encouraging me to exercise more and work out.
• 15:29
  Like when we met, I did so much for my mind,
• 15:32
  but I never exercised my body. I just played sports
• 15:35
  where I walked, and I thought that was enough. And
• 15:38
  you were the one who was like training me and
• 15:39
  encouraging me and educating me. And then during the pandemic
• 15:42
  we worked out together every day, which I miss because
• 15:45
  then she left me to work out with people who
• 15:46
  actually know how to work out, so like with me, No,
• 15:50
  that's what I'm saying. I think like you were.
• 15:52
  Speaker 2: Oh, I left you need.
• 15:54
  Speaker 1: To work out with people that actually, yeah, because that
• 15:56
  was you parenting me, like you'd be like, what we do,
• 16:00
  this is what we do, like this is what you're
• 16:01
  a squat like, you know, and then all of a sudden,
• 16:04
  now are you just like real workout classes? I'm not
• 16:07
  allowed to come to this?
• 16:08
  Speaker 2: Yeah, no you are. I feel like you partner again
• 16:15
  just day say stuff. But I you definitely think you
• 16:16
  helped me to have like figure out my own voice
• 16:21
  through not just giving to me what I'm asking for,
• 16:24
  but to help me, you know, see my own journey
• 16:28
  through figuring it out. And I think that takes a
• 16:30
  lot because it kind of is, you know, it takes
• 16:33
  a lot of patience to do that, and I think
• 16:35
  it's the easier option is actually just being like okay, here,
• 16:37
  just just just do this and just you know, this
• 16:40
  is how you can fix this, and this is how
• 16:43
  you do this. And I always I'm someone who has
• 16:45
  a habit of not being certain in my own decisions,
• 16:50
  and so I think you really helped to let me
• 16:54
  navigate it. Even though I'll be like, no, just tell me,
• 16:55
  like what should I do? And you'll be like, no,
• 16:57
  I'm not telling you what to do, like, I'm going
• 16:59
  to show you how you can get to the answer
• 17:01
  you wou and say this, but that's how you would act,
• 17:03
  like I'm going to say how to get the answer,
• 17:04
  but I'm not going to just give it to you
• 17:06
  like that, because then you're never going to be able
• 17:08
  to do that for yourself. And so I feel like
• 17:10
  you really did guide through that as a partner.
• 17:14
  Speaker 1: Yeah. I think a lot of the time in relationships,
• 17:17
  you make someone feel broken because you keep fixing them. Yeah,
• 17:22
  and if you keep fixing them, then that means they
• 17:24
  remain broken and then whenever they feel broken, they have
• 17:28
  to run to you and depend on you, Whereas if
• 17:30
  you teach people how to heal themselves and nawage your
• 17:34
  life themselves, then you've actually helped them. So I always
• 17:37
  tell people that loving someone means you make them fall
• 17:43
  more in love with themselves, not more in.
• 17:45
  Speaker 2: Love with you, and not more dependent on you. Yeah,
• 17:47
  that's so true actually, and again that takes so much more.
• 17:49
  I think that takes so much more patience to do
• 17:51
  it that way than it does to just be like, okay, fine,
• 17:54
  let me just do it for you, like you know,
• 17:56
  it feels like it's actually the faster option. You think
• 17:59
  you're sacrificing more by being that person that's fixing, but
• 18:03
  actually it's more of a selfish way of dealing with it.
• 18:06
  From my experience of doing it for other people around
• 18:08
  me and in other relationships around me, that you end
• 18:11
  up being someone who, yeah, actually thinking about it, it's
• 18:14
  probably more of a selfish thing because it also allows
• 18:16
  you to feel more important versus letting them feel their
• 18:20
  importance and their value.
• 18:22
  Speaker 1: I think a lot of people love people being dependent
• 18:26
  on the definitely because it gives them a sense of significance.
• 18:29
  Speaker 2: Definitely, especially if you don't know what you're doing in
• 18:31
  your life or if you feel like you're a bit
• 18:32
  lost helping other people. And although that's a great thing
• 18:35
  when you help other people, but the intention behind it
• 18:39
  and what you're receiving from it can make a huge
• 18:41
  difference in how you actually feel about it. So like
• 18:44
  if you're helping someone through intention of genuinely caring for them,
• 18:48
  genuinely helping them, or are you helping them because it
• 18:51
  fuels you into feeling valuable and therefore, like for me,
• 18:56
  I remember it used to be just a way that
• 18:57
  I would throw myself into so I didn't have to
• 18:59
  think of about what I was doing in my life
• 19:01
  for how to figure out my own things. It was just, oh,
• 19:05
  this is great. I need to be doing this. This
• 19:07
  person needs my help. I need to like create this
• 19:10
  space for myself in their life because then I don't
• 19:13
  have to think about all the important stuff I actually
• 19:15
  need to deal with. So was the easier option and
• 19:17
  more of a selfish option. Yeah, that's very true.
• 19:20
  Speaker 1: So the next topic is that sometimes your partner can
• 19:24
  be extremely annoying or you find them annoying. In that case,
• 19:29
  when of me and Rady ever experienced that? When is
• 19:32
  that as far as a deal breaker and how to
• 19:35
  deal with feeling annoyed by your partner.
• 19:37
  Speaker 2: I don't think you've annoyed me. Wow, Like you're not
• 19:41
  an annoying person in that way. Like I feel like, yeah,
• 19:44
  there are things that irritate me, and I'll have it.
• 19:47
  I don't really remember stuff like that, but this is
• 19:50
  the best thing. When yeah, I have a terrible.
• 19:52
  Speaker 1: Memory bad stuff and you forget the good thing.
• 19:53
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I forget all. You can't have you can't have
• 19:55
  one or the other. You either have you have both.
• 19:58
  But I would I would say that Obviously there are
• 20:00
  times where I've got agitated and been really snappy. I
• 20:03
  definitely have more of a short fuse than you do,
• 20:07
  and I have a not tantrums. I wouldn't call them tantrums,
• 20:11
  but I definitely can be more defensive and have more
• 20:16
  of an ego about arguing. But that's very difficult when
• 20:19
  the other person doesn't have that. And that's probably the
• 20:22
  most annoying thing that you do. That It's like I
• 20:25
  want to have a fight and you're just like trying
• 20:28
  to resolve it within the first three seconds when I'm
• 20:30
  still in fight mode and I'm not, for goodness sake,
• 20:32
  just fight a little bit, like please just just give
• 20:35
  me something, and he's just always trying to just make
• 20:38
  things better. It's so annoying. That's it, really, Yeah, that
• 20:46
  is the thing that annoys me as in because sometimes
• 20:48
  you just need to have a fight. Certainly, you just
• 20:50
  need to like argue out say things you don't mean,
• 20:53
  you know, just I know I don't think I don't
• 20:57
  say things that I mean, but what I mean is
• 20:58
  just like sometimes it's just want to have it out,
• 21:01
  and we knew it's like me going and you're going.
• 21:05
  That's basically how our fights go.
• 21:07
  Speaker 1: You've never said something mean to me?
• 21:09
  Speaker 2: No, okay, I don't. I don't say that's true. I'm
• 21:11
  very thoughtful about my words, like I really with everybody
• 21:13
  that I talk to and that I argue with. I
• 21:16
  may say things irrationally, but I never say things I
• 21:19
  don't mean, or I'm very specific with my words. But
• 21:21
  I'm just saying sometimes I like to, you know, have
• 21:23
  a bit of a tift.
• 21:24
  Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, but I would, I would agree that I
• 21:27
  genuinely don't believe you've ever said something you don't mean,
• 21:29
  or said something like. I don't think you've said something harsh.
• 21:32
  You might be upset with me or irritating.
• 21:35
  Speaker 2: I think I just go silent or I don't say things.
• 21:38
  That's probably the thing that annoys you.
• 21:40
  Speaker 1: No, not anymore. That used to. But I talk about
• 21:42
  that in the book.
• 21:43
  Speaker 2: Oh yeah, yeah, that's the other thing. You know what,
• 21:47
  I know, you know what the other thing is. I
• 21:49
  never know what's going to be in podcasts. Never know
• 21:51
  what's going to be podcasts, never know what's going to
• 21:53
  be in a book. I didn't even know that there
• 21:54
  was going to be a love book, but somehow there's
• 21:56
  a book about love and this happens to do with us.
• 21:58
  I'm quite private with certain things, and then suddenly it's
• 22:01
  all over the news, It's everywhere, and I just notice
• 22:04
  I think about it, I'm like, I don't think I
• 22:06
  had a choice in this. I think there are certain
• 22:12
  times I'm like, oh, but but I also think it's
• 22:14
  like a it's a personal choice of how much you
• 22:16
  want to share about different parts of your life. And
• 22:18
  I think it's like, no, not in a bad way
• 22:22
  at all. Like I think you are just someone that
• 22:23
  really wears every like your heart on your sleeve. You're
• 22:25
  someone who wants to share things to give lessons and
• 22:28
  experiences to people. You're never someone who shares to show off.
• 22:32
  You're never someone who shares to prove a point to anybody.
• 22:35
  Like you are so wise with how you share things.
• 22:38
  And that's why it's not an annoying thing. I don't
• 22:41
  mean an annoying thing, but it's one of those things
• 22:43
  that I'm sure there are different types of partners where
• 22:45
  one person's like way more like I. Everybody always says
• 22:49
  to me like, oh my god, you're so eccentric. I
• 22:50
  can't believe that you don't like doing things in public,
• 22:53
  or that you don't, and it's such an interesting thing
• 22:55
  because you would you your nature is like you, your
• 23:00
  nature is to be around people, in front of people
• 23:02
  in terms of like you are, so you exude that
• 23:06
  you thrive off it. Like that's when I think that
• 23:07
  that's when your nature is. It's when you thrive off
• 23:09
  something like part of it at least. Whereas for me,
• 23:12
  it's something I definitely learned to grow into and it's
• 23:15
  something that I absolutely love, Like I love sharing things
• 23:18
  with people, but I think the way that you share,
• 23:21
  like you're you're a very open person, and so it's
• 23:24
  less annoying thing. It's just something I randomly thought of.
• 23:26
  Y're like, yeah, actually I don't know, Like some people
• 23:28
  were telling me, oh, I've had this about you on
• 23:30
  the podcast, and I was like, oh my god, I
• 23:32
  didn't even know that was on the podcast, or like
• 23:34
  I didn't even know this was in the book. And
• 23:36
  so I think it's just it's different ways and it's
• 23:39
  just understanding the person's intention behind it so it doesn't
• 23:42
  upset me. I think I'm very different in terms of
• 23:44
  how I share about us. But it's like it's you're
• 23:48
  also in the relationship.
• 23:49
  Speaker 1: Yeah, but I really appreciate that kind of lends to
• 23:52
  it because I think someone else could be upset. But
• 23:55
  you're right. I only share our ups or downs or
• 23:58
  challenges because I want people to recognize that there is
• 24:03
  no perfect partnership. And I think when we first started
• 24:06
  sharing about relationship.
• 24:07
  Speaker 2: That's why I stopped. Yeah, that's because I hate being
• 24:10
  seen like I find it really suffocating when if people
• 24:14
  think anything about perfection to do with me, because I
• 24:17
  know I'm not that person. I'm not that person in
• 24:19
  the ratio. I'm like, trust me, he wrote this book
• 24:21
  for me to read because I need the stuff that's
• 24:23
  in the bog. But like, I genuinely don't feel that
• 24:26
  I'm a perfect person, and so I find it really
• 24:28
  suffocating and kind of difficult to handle.
• 24:31
  Speaker 1: And I and said I, and that's my point. That
• 24:34
  the reason why I started talking about you're right, show
• 24:37
  you a tisane, you're good, You're right. What's waters? Well?
• 24:52
  Speaker 3: That was so beautiful? Thanks, thanks man. Sorry, just break
• 25:06
  your mind.
• 25:10
  Speaker 5: I'm gonna cry everyone, Okay, when I'm happy, I cry
• 25:15
  when I'm angry, I cry when I'm sad, I cry
• 25:17
  with every emotion. It's just how every these things for
• 25:20
  anyone who doesn't know that I've spoken about that thousand times,
• 25:22
  So don't.
• 25:23
  Speaker 2: Worry if you've seen me cry. I'm no I know know,
• 25:26
  I'm just telling that.
• 25:27
  Speaker 1: Yeah, that's actually why I started to share, and we
• 25:30
  always did, but like share like fights that we had
• 25:33
  or challenges that we had or things like that, because
• 25:36
  I just found that I too, don't ever want to
• 25:39
  portray a perfect image of me, of me and you,
• 25:44
  of anything in my life, because no one's perfect. We're
• 25:46
  all making mistakes, We're all a work in progress. And
• 25:50
  the last thing I want is for people to think
• 25:52
  that me and you never fight, or that me and
• 25:53
  you have it all figured out, or that we're not
• 25:55
  having to transition and grow because we have to do
• 25:58
  all those things all the time, And I.
• 25:59
  Speaker 2: Think the mistake that happens there sometimes with like obviously,
• 26:02
  like the question the question I get asked all the
• 26:04
  time now that you've wtten a book about love obviously
• 26:06
  is like, oh my gosh, and you are You're like,
• 26:09
  just to be clear, Jay's literally like one of the
• 26:11
  most amazing partners you could ever ask for, But they
• 26:14
  assume that the relationship is just like I just don't
• 26:17
  like the idea of perfection. I find that with my
• 26:19
  stuff as well, Like, because people think that you're just
• 26:22
  a positive person and same with you, you must get
• 26:24
  that all the time, where it's like, oh my gosh,
• 26:26
  you must never get upset and you must you just
• 26:28
  seem happy all the time. And I'm like, and then
• 26:30
  it makes you want to kind of be like, oh
• 26:32
  I'm sad today everyone, And I'm like, I choose what
• 26:34
  I share because I don't want to share the energy
• 26:36
  with people because I know the energy I want other
• 26:38
  people to feel when they watch my things or when
• 26:40
  they experience it. That doesn't mean I don't harness that
• 26:43
  energy within me. It's what I then choose to let
• 26:47
  other people experience. And I think that's also important to
• 26:50
  know what you're giving out to people. I know that
• 26:52
  if someone's sad around me, that's going to make me sad,
• 26:56
  and so I'm sorry, And where people are happy is
• 27:00
  the same thing. And so I'd rather give off contagious
• 27:03
  happy energy than sad. But that doesn't mean people don't
• 27:05
  feel it.
• 27:06
  Speaker 1: Yeah, definitely, definitely, I fully agree with you. And that's
• 27:11
  why I talk about I mean, I've constantly been talking
• 27:13
  about it, Like when I get irritated, or when I
• 27:16
  get agitated, or like I always talk about how I
• 27:18
  get more moody and I can get snappy, and yeah,
• 27:20
  all those things with you. And that's what I talk
• 27:23
  about in the book about how when I get when
• 27:25
  we have a fight, I want to solve it. When
• 27:27
  we have a fight, you want to hide, and so
• 27:29
  I call it venting and hiding. And then there's another
• 27:32
  one called exploding, which are the three fight styles. Exploding
• 27:35
  is when someone just wants to let all their emotions out.
• 27:38
  And we found a way where in the beginning, when
• 27:41
  you used to want to hide, you take some time out,
• 27:44
  and I wanted to vent. In the beginning, I used
• 27:46
  to think you didn't care, and so I literally would
• 27:49
  feel like you didn't love me as much, you didn't
• 27:50
  care as much, and I would say that to you,
• 27:53
  only to realize that none of that was true. What
• 27:55
  I realized was that's just how you process an argument.
• 27:59
  And learning that that's how you process an argument and
• 28:02
  that what I'm doing isn't right, it's just how I
• 28:04
  process an argument helps you realize that you could actually
• 28:08
  be on the same team. And then saying, okay, let's
• 28:10
  get back to this. In twelve twenty four hours, we
• 28:13
  can actually come back having digested what the problem is
• 28:16
  and talk about the problem. And so I shared those
• 28:19
  kind of examples of our relationship in order to help
• 28:22
  people understand that even I used to think you didn't
• 28:24
  love me because you wanted to not talk to me
• 28:26
  for two days. Yeah, but that's not true. You just
• 28:28
  needed time to think about it. And just because I
• 28:31
  wanted to talk about it now doesn't mean I care more.
• 28:34
  But that's how we think about things. We all think
• 28:36
  we care more in the way we act, or that
• 28:39
  someone else cares less. And so yeah, and I.
• 28:43
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I think it's just it's that thing of whenever
• 28:45
  you're sharing things about you know, you share so many
• 28:48
  different topics and there's so many things that you speak on,
• 28:51
  and you know, when it was purpose, I'm sure you've
• 28:52
  got lots of questions about purpose. When it's love, you
• 28:54
  get so many questions about love. And I just think
• 28:56
  there's this like I think I'm still learning to do
• 29:00
  You've already I feel like you have this thing I'm not.
• 29:03
  You're very good at digesting, not really knowing what your
• 29:07
  intentions are, knowing what you're grounded in, knowing your purpose
• 29:10
  and therefore what other people's perception of that is doesn't
• 29:13
  affect you as much. I think I'm still working through
• 29:15
  the pressure of perfection, which I'm just like it's so
• 29:18
  hard to be like I'm just not perfect, Like it's
• 29:19
  not I'm not happy all the time, I'm not this
• 29:21
  all the time. But it's very difficult to vocalize that
• 29:25
  in a way that's not like Okay, you're just saying
• 29:27
  that because you know, it's it's so hard to communicate
• 29:30
  it to people if they've already got that perception of you.
• 29:33
  And I think that's why sometimes I hide away or
• 29:35
  shy away from like discussing certain things because for me,
• 29:38
  it's like I just I find that too difficult to
• 29:42
  at the moment something that I'm dealing with myself of
• 29:44
  Like that's not why I like whenever, Yeah, that's just
• 29:47
  the phase of my life that I'm in right now.
• 29:49
  Speaker 1: I think I think everyone in the world is looking
• 29:52
  for perfection.
• 29:54
  Speaker 2: Yeah yeah, yeah, no, but there's a part of us
• 29:56
  totally you want to know, like what is that? Yeah,
• 30:00
  it's like once you know, biggest perfection in when I
• 30:04
  think about it and have tried to think about that
• 30:07
  mindset it's like, okay, because perfection equals happiness in minds,
• 30:11
  like and I can understand. It's like, whenever I see
• 30:13
  someone who I think whatever perfect is to me has
• 30:16
  that perfect life, I'm like, oh, that is what happy is.
• 30:20
  And I think it's just through my own thing of
• 30:22
  whenever I've got the things that I think mean perfection
• 30:26
  or what like the things that people perceive of you
• 30:29
  as being perfect, You're like, that doesn't make me feel
• 30:30
  happy at all, Like those things that you're saying to
• 30:33
  me or messaging me saying that, oh you've got this,
• 30:36
  which is like that's like the perfect this, or whether
• 30:39
  it's to do with physical appearance or mental state or
• 30:42
  whatever it is. It's like there's so many parts to
• 30:45
  perfection that people think equal perfection. But it's like when
• 30:49
  you hear that from the other side, I'm like, oh, wow,
• 30:52
  that's perfection. Like that hasn't made me happy, and so
• 30:54
  I think there's for me. When I think about perfection now,
• 30:57
  it's like I've realized stripping back so much to be like,
• 31:01
  what is what would make me the most happy? And
• 31:04
  that's what perfection is. And to me right now, it's
• 31:06
  really leaning back into my spiritual journey and like really
• 31:09
  trying to harness that because I know that was the
• 31:11
  only thing that made me so happy, not only, but
• 31:13
  like the main thing that made me so happy. And
• 31:15
  that includes the people around you who really support that.
• 31:18
  But I think when you end up just constantly hearing
• 31:22
  what perfect is and what people think you are as
• 31:26
  being perfect, it stops you from actually being yourself. And
• 31:28
  I'm like, this year, I just want to be so
• 31:30
  much more less trying to be what other people's perception
• 31:34
  of me is and just be just yeah.
• 31:37
  Speaker 1: Yeah, I love that. Yeah. And I don't think there's
• 31:39
  a perfect person. I don't think there's a perfect partner.
• 31:43
  I think there's just navigating our imperfections and figuring them out.
• 31:47
  And the reason I wrote a book about love was
• 31:49
  not because I'm a love expert or a love guru,
• 31:52
  or because I think I know everything about love or
• 31:55
  that we have a perfect love. I wrote about it
• 31:57
  because I think I'm fascinated by it.
• 32:00
  Speaker 4: Yeah.
• 32:00
  Speaker 1: I wanted to spend time studying it and learning about it,
• 32:04
  and I wanted to be able to share insights and
• 32:08
  frameworks that I've created to not just manage our relationship,
• 32:12
  but manage and coach other people's relationships that I've worked with,
• 32:15
  And so what I'm sharing in the book is there
• 32:17
  is no story of a perfect love that really it
• 32:20
  doesn't exist in the book. There is no perfect story.
• 32:22
  Even our proposal story I tell as a mistake and
• 32:25
  something that went wrong and not wrong because you were
• 32:28
  upset or because you were sad, wrong because it made
• 32:31
  me realize I was just trying to love you in
• 32:33
  the way that I thought the movies taught us how
• 32:35
  to love. I wasn't loving you in the way that
• 32:38
  you wanted to be loved.
• 32:38
  Speaker 2: No, but I think the tools and the frameworks that
• 32:40
  you've even shared with me have been so useful for
• 32:44
  not just our relationship, but like every relationship that I have.
• 32:46
  So I personally think like everything that you've even taught
• 32:49
  me in the relationship has been applicable to every relationship
• 32:53
  that I have. And I think, like genuinely think you're
• 32:56
  like the perfect person to write this book because it's
• 32:59
  it is so much about now You've spent so much
• 33:02
  time and so much energy building like the relationships that
• 33:04
  you have, not even just romantic relationship, the relationships that
• 33:08
  you have with people that for me has been like
• 33:11
  the when you have a qualification, but not the qualification
• 33:14
  whatever that word is, but the qualification for you to
• 33:16
  write the book, like because seeing your relationships with people,
• 33:20
  how deep they are, how genuine they are, how authentic
• 33:23
  they are, like that is that in itself is the
• 33:26
  most beautiful thing, because it's so hard to build relationships
• 33:28
  in the world, like through all of this stuff that
• 33:30
  happens throughout life, through the barriers that we put up,
• 33:35
  through the social media filters, through every filter. There's so
• 33:37
  many filters that we end up having throughout our life now,
• 33:40
  especially because you're exposed to so many people. The more
• 33:43
  people you're exposed to, the more you feel like you
• 33:45
  have to adapt, the more you feel like you have
• 33:47
  to change. And sometimes you're putting on different clothes and
• 33:50
  different things, not clothes, but different clothes and layers to
• 33:54
  be different people for different people. And I think you
• 33:57
  are someone who, literally, through every relationationship I have seen,
• 34:01
  remain the same person. You react to things in the
• 34:03
  same way, you treat things in the same way. So
• 34:06
  this is me saying separately as your partner, saying that
• 34:09
  the way that you have cultivated relationships and really work
• 34:12
  through how you create authentic relationships. That for me is
• 34:16
  like I want to read the book because of that.
• 34:19
  Then that obviously applies to our relationship, the way that
• 34:21
  you communicate, the way that you share things like it
• 34:24
  takes so much work to become that person and to
• 34:27
  just read the book to understand. And by the way,
• 34:29
  this is not a book, plug, guys, I haven't ready yet,
• 34:32
  but I know it's going to be good just because
• 34:35
  of having experienced that and seen it like for ten years,
• 34:39
  day in day out. The way that you are and
• 34:40
  that's why people who are close to you and the
• 34:43
  people that you have in your life and the way
• 34:45
  that you have created those relationships they are relationships that
• 34:48
  you have for years and years and years, or they're
• 34:51
  really not. Even if they're not, they're relationships that have
• 34:54
  got so deep so fast that it's never been about
• 34:56
  the surface level stuff. And I think, like that is
• 34:59
  just so power and so amazing because I know I've
• 35:02
  had relationships. I've had friendships that I've had or relationships
• 35:05
  for years and years and this you know, they still
• 35:08
  don't feel what they should feel like because I haven't
• 35:11
  invested the time to figure out how to make it
• 35:14
  that and each relationship is so individual that you have
• 35:17
  to invest that time. So if you want that relationship
• 35:19
  with someone, and you want that friendship, you want that brothership,
• 35:23
  whatever it is, it takes that time investment, It takes
• 35:26
  creating those frameworks, it takes creating whatever it is. But
• 35:30
  you know, it is an investment of time and energy.
• 35:32
  And I think that the amount of relationships that you've
• 35:35
  had throughout your life that have been so meaningful that
• 35:39
  in itself shows that you have so much to share
• 35:42
  and wisdom to share on it. And so you know,
• 35:45
  romantic plus other relationships. I think that's such an important
• 35:48
  skill that you have to have through your life. And
• 35:50
  I feel like I would be so sad if I
• 35:51
  got to the end of my life and I was like, wow,
• 35:53
  I had all these friends, but like no real relationships.
• 35:57
  The whole thing we need as humans, I feel, is
• 36:00
  to feel that connection. And you can go fifty sixty,
• 36:03
  seventy eighty years of your life not even having one
• 36:06
  connection to someone in that way, And how sad to
• 36:09
  have missed out on life. Sad I'm talking sad for me,
• 36:11
  not like oh that's sad, but like genuinely sad to
• 36:15
  go through a whole life's worth of living and not
• 36:19
  actually having experienced what a relationship means like that that
• 36:23
  would just you know, how unfulfilling that would be. And
• 36:26
  so yeah, I'm like, I genuinely am excited to read
• 36:29
  it because I feel like and you're like, they're teaching
• 36:31
  me along the way. But sometimes it's hard to really
• 36:33
  hear from someone that you spend time with or like
• 36:36
  that you really that you not take for granted, because
• 36:40
  I really value what you do, but you kind of
• 36:42
  take the words for granted when you're not studying it
• 36:45
  or when you're not actually in you know, when you're
• 36:47
  not in a place to even receive it. And so
• 36:49
  I feel like I'm in that place where nowhere I
• 36:51
  really want to build deeper connections. And I think that's
• 36:53
  why it's. Yeah, I think it's such an important thing
• 36:55
  from you. From other people started listening to the podcast recently,
• 36:58
  I did.
• 36:59
  Speaker 1: This this is purpose. The question was what did we
• 37:01
  find annoying about each other?
• 37:03
  Speaker 2: Right, I did? I said that it's when you share
• 37:06
  things about me that I don't know about that is
• 37:08
  something that genuinely annoys me. And also because it seemed
• 37:12
  from your perspective and you have like filter over your
• 37:15
  eyes when it comes to me, because you always think
• 37:16
  things I do are nice when actually I can be
• 37:18
  a terror. But yeah, I changed the question. Sorry.
• 37:21
  Speaker 1: Yeah. So I have a chapter in this book called
• 37:24
  your Partner is Your Guru. Yeah, and this was inspired
• 37:29
  by you, great amazing Well, really it was inspired from
• 37:36
  our tradition and the idea that relationships are more about
• 37:41
  education and enlightenment than they are about entertainment.
• 37:44
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 37:45
  Speaker 1: And I think that you get into relationships because of pleasure,
• 37:48
  but actually relationships that last are ones in which you
• 37:53
  grow and which you find a purpose. And I think
• 37:57
  that sounds really unsexy and uncool. People think like, oh,
• 38:01
  my partner should just be someone I have fun with
• 38:03
  all the time. And we have a lot of fun together.
• 38:05
  We've had a lot of fun over the last ten years,
• 38:07
  for sure, without a doubt, Like whether it was when
• 38:09
  we've traveled together, when we've started Joyo together, when we've moved,
• 38:15
  whether we you know, we're in this tiny shoe box
• 38:18
  apartment or whatever it was, We've had a great time.
• 38:21
  But the greatest great time is when you're learning and
• 38:25
  growing together, because you actually learn how to improve your relationship,
• 38:30
  and that's what makes your relationship better. So when I
• 38:32
  talk about your partner is your Guru, what I love
• 38:35
  is that if you look at Eastern traditions, gurus are
• 38:39
  not the people who tell you what to do, or
• 38:41
  preach to you or act smarter than you. The guru
• 38:45
  like the monk gurus. They would come and sit at
• 38:47
  the back of the class and listen to a young
• 38:50
  monk give a talk like that's what gurus did. Or
• 38:53
  when you bow down to an elder guru, the guru
• 38:56
  would bow down to you on the floor, even if
• 38:58
  they were twice your age, Like, the guru was not
• 39:01
  a figure that made you feel inferior. Yeah, but the
• 39:06
  guru was a figure that constantly made you feel like
• 39:10
  they believed in you and that you had potential and
• 39:13
  that you had value to offer. And so when I
• 39:16
  wrote this chapter called your Partner is your Guru, I
• 39:18
  break down the qualities of a student, and I break
• 39:21
  down the qualities of a guru, and all of the
• 39:23
  qualities are a guru is generally your partner who believes
• 39:27
  in you. And I found what I found in relationships
• 39:29
  is that it's so easy for you to be the
• 39:32
  most critical person of your partner. Yeah, it's so easy
• 39:35
  for you to say that, Oh, yeah, you're just the worst,
• 39:38
  and you're so like lazy, and you're just like you're
• 39:41
  not ambitious enough and you're not organized enough. Like it's
• 39:44
  so easy. And I found so many couples were in
• 39:48
  that space, even if you don't say it. We feel
• 39:50
  that about our partners because people say it to other people.
• 39:53
  The amount of people that come to me and say,
• 39:55
  my partner's not ambitious enough, he doesn't work hard enough, like, oh,
• 39:58
  she doesn't understand enough, she's too clingy. Like we have
• 40:01
  these negative views, and actually we should be the ones
• 40:04
  who see the potential in our partner. Of course, beyond
• 40:07
  any and I make this very clear in the book,
• 40:09
  beyond any abusive or toxic relationships, we should look at
• 40:13
  the potential in our partner. We should be the ones
• 40:15
  who are like making them feel like they can grow
• 40:17
  and become something, of course, not ridiculous in stupid ways,
• 40:21
  but in a healthy way. Yeah, that's why I think
• 40:23
  that when I wrote this chapter, one of the ways
• 40:26
  in which you've been my guru is that. And I've
• 40:28
  said this multiple times to other people. I don't think
• 40:31
  i've said it to you fully, but I think that
• 40:34
  as I became more materially successful, I wanted you to
• 40:38
  love me more for my material success, and you didn't.
• 40:42
  Like you just didn't budge. So even if i'd like
• 40:45
  win an award, or i'd be number one, or I'd
• 40:48
  whatever I did, I never felt like you loved me more.
• 40:51
  And for a long time in our relationship, I just
• 40:53
  felt like you didn't love me like because of that,
• 40:56
  because you didn't love me more. And then when I
• 40:58
  would talk to you or I would hear about what
• 41:00
  you said to someone else, and even when I listen
• 41:01
  to you today, it's like I'm constantly reminded that you
• 41:05
  love me for who I am, not what I achieve.
• 41:08
  And that has been the greatest guru thing that you've done,
• 41:13
  because I think I would have started to love myself
• 41:16
  for what I've achieved and not who I am if
• 41:19
  you love me for what I achieved and not. And
• 41:21
  so that is such a subtle, intricate point. But that's
• 41:26
  the kind of stuff that your partner can do for you,
• 41:28
  because your partner actually sees you and then in a
• 41:31
  more like, in a more tangible way, you're the person
• 41:35
  like if I'm practicing a talk to you, or i'm
• 41:37
  practicing comes to you, or I read you a part
• 41:39
  of the book when i'm first writing it. You'll call
• 41:42
  me out and be like that's average, or.
• 41:44
  Speaker 2: I don't have that, or I'm so great, And it's.
• 41:48
  Speaker 1: Like your partner is only doing that, and you say
• 41:52
  this to me all the time when my ego gets
• 41:53
  in the way, and you'll be like, I'm only doing
• 41:55
  that because I want it to be amazing, because I
• 41:56
  care about you. Yeah, the person who doesn't care about
• 41:58
  you're just gonna be like, oh, that's an Like that's awesome,
• 42:01
  just keep doing it, which you're like, I don't want
• 42:03
  you to look stupid on stage tomorrow. I want you
• 42:04
  to think about it. And so I find that that
• 42:07
  also is how your partners your guru, because they're the
• 42:11
  only one who can coach you through your ego. Because
• 42:14
  if anyone else said that, I probably wouldn't take it.
• 42:16
  But because you're saying it's like I know she wants
• 42:19
  only what's for my beluere, and so I would listen
• 42:21
  more as well.
• 42:22
  Speaker 2: Yeah, thanks, But I also think with what you were
• 42:25
  saying about, you know, the awards and stuff, I think
• 42:28
  there's you know what I've learned from those situations is
• 42:31
  that there's still an element to like even though you know,
• 42:34
  I always think about people who achieve a lot in
• 42:36
  their life, and it must not saying, oh my god,
• 42:38
  it's so hard to achieve it in enough, but it
• 42:40
  just is. No, I mean, no, what I mean it's
• 42:42
  so it's such a hard life to achieve a lot.
• 42:44
  What I'm trying to say is that it's it's difficult
• 42:47
  sometimes for people who and by the way, this doesn't
• 42:50
  mean achieves a lot in the limelight or achieves a
• 42:53
  lot in their day to day life. But you know,
• 42:55
  people can get so used to people achieving that every
• 43:00
  success doesn't end up feeling like a success to the
• 43:03
  to the other people, but the not grow out. What's
• 43:07
  like the graft that's gone into it. Only the person
• 43:11
  who's done it knows. And even as someone who's watched
• 43:13
  you through it or watched, you know, watched you actually
• 43:17
  do what you need to do to get you know,
• 43:19
  those achievements, it's still not the same as being that person.
• 43:23
  And so to even be a person watching and observing
• 43:26
  still to have that respect and that value for it
• 43:28
  and to share that, oh my gosh, that's amazing like
• 43:32
  and I think, I, you know, I genuinely think I
• 43:34
  just got so used to you achieving and you've always
• 43:37
  been a person who's achieving in but the work has
• 43:40
  just always been there. But I think it's even just
• 43:43
  appreciating the work even if you don't appreciate the what's
• 43:46
  come from it, even if I'm like, oh my gosh,
• 43:48
  this award, because sometimes I'm like, oh wow, another streaming,
• 43:51
  Oh wow, another this like okay, cool, because I know
• 43:54
  that there's always more coming because I know you are
• 43:56
  just such an achiever and like you are, you put
• 43:59
  in the work, so there's going to be achievement. But
• 44:01
  I think there is so much in even though you're
• 44:04
  not looking for it. What I've learned from it is
• 44:07
  there is so much to actually so much too sharing
• 44:10
  that Wow, I see the work that you're doing, like
• 44:12
  that's amazing. And I never felt like you needed that
• 44:15
  validation because I was like, oh, you just keep going
• 44:17
  and you know that you're doing great, like you must
• 44:19
  know it because you are. But I think it's really
• 44:21
  important for loved ones, partner, family to keep sharing people's
• 44:27
  success and there's so and you know, when you end
• 44:29
  up celebrating other people's success. I've realized that in my
• 44:32
  life it makes you so much more of a better
• 44:34
  person because you're really thinking about how amazing it is
• 44:38
  for someone to have done that way, and not even
• 44:40
  just the success, the legwork that's happened before that. And
• 44:43
  I really it's so important to do that. It's not
• 44:46
  about boosting someone's ego. It's not about making someone feel like, oh,
• 44:51
  what they've got is it's so valuable, but making someone
• 44:54
  know that we see the work that you're doing, and
• 44:57
  we see the hard work that's going into it, and
• 44:59
  I see you, know. I just it's a way of
• 45:01
  saying I see you in a subtle way. And I
• 45:04
  think it's really underrated because because I think people are
• 45:08
  used to being like, oh, Wow, that's amazing, you got this,
• 45:11
  but they don't think about everything else before. So now
• 45:13
  when I think about celebrating someone's success or celebrating your success,
• 45:17
  it's like me actually saying to you, Wow, I see
• 45:21
  everything that's happened for you to get there, And I've
• 45:24
  realized how important that is and I don't normally and
• 45:26
  I've not been someone to do that for you. So
• 45:29
  now I'm like, oh, I really do want to do
• 45:31
  that for you and for other people around me, And
• 45:32
  I think you're right. The group art is true, Like
• 45:34
  whatever I've noticed I haven't been doing has been instrumental
• 45:38
  for this, but also in every relationship that I have,
• 45:42
  because it's showing me that the little thing you know,
• 45:46
  you notice so much about yourself. Obviously they always as
• 45:47
  you notice the most about yourself in relationships, right, like
• 45:50
  who you actually are. And I feel like in a
• 45:52
  lot of other relationships I haven't seen that. You know,
• 45:55
  with my mom, she's always just like whatever, you know,
• 45:58
  whatever you end up doing, your Mom's love like all
• 46:00
  the time. It's like unlimited amount of love. But I
• 46:03
  think in relationships you're constantly reflected back to you. They
• 46:06
  they don't in your relationships, you don't allow, you know.
• 46:09
  I feel like I see it on a constant basis
• 46:11
  of what I'm not doing, especially if your partner is
• 46:14
  someone who is so loving that the reflection is you know,
• 46:19
  you can't help but see the things about you need
• 46:21
  to change because that person is constantly just pouring love
• 46:24
  into you. And so I think it's just anyway, I
• 46:27
  just think it's such an important part. But that group
• 46:28
  part that you were saying I completely agree because I
• 46:30
  feel like I've had that and that's been pouring into
• 46:33
  other areas of my life too, And so yeah, that's it.
• 46:40
  Speaker 1: Why not you always do that at the end of
• 46:42
  when you're talking about something you're really passionate. Yeah, so
• 46:46
  that's it.
• 46:47
  Speaker 2: Yeah, because I feel like I just end up repeating
• 46:49
  it in different ways. Going to be six SCINCD.
• 46:53
  Speaker 1: So the question is what have we prioritized in a
• 46:55
  previous relationship that we don't prioritize in this relationship. Something
• 47:00
  we basically thought was important before but we no longer
• 47:03
  think is important now in this relationship.
• 47:06
  Speaker 2: I think it's what you've talked about a lot, and
• 47:09
  I'm sure many people have heard you say this, But
• 47:11
  the time quality thing, I think that's been something that
• 47:15
  you You know, the more time you spend with someone,
• 47:19
  you think that time is the investment. People think that
• 47:21
  time is the investment, Like the amount of time you
• 47:23
  spend with someone is what the investment is. This person
• 47:26
  is willing to spend two hours with me, but this
• 47:28
  person's willing to spend fifteen minutes with me. That must
• 47:30
  mean the two hour person values me more, loves me, more,
• 47:34
  cares for me.
• 47:34
  Speaker 3: More.
• 47:35
  Speaker 2: But what is the quality of those two hours? What
• 47:37
  is the quality of those fifteen minutes? Makes such a difference.
• 47:40
  And I think, you know, I've just been so used
• 47:44
  to that concept that that's what I always you know,
• 47:47
  related to this friend or this relationship. This person wants
• 47:51
  to spend the most amount of time with me, that
• 47:52
  must mean you know, that person loves me more. And
• 47:55
  so I think that's something I've really changed, because you
• 47:59
  can feel so much more fueled from a fifteen minute
• 48:03
  interaction with someone and loved with presents than you can
• 48:07
  with you know, two hours of someone's distracted time. And
• 48:11
  that's something I'm still working on as a person of
• 48:14
  being someone who's present. I think it's something i've really
• 48:17
  you know, I've been up and down with it. There
• 48:19
  are different times where my mind can just you know,
• 48:22
  go everywhere and do everything and not even be in
• 48:24
  the same room as everybody else that I'm in the
• 48:26
  room with. But I think it's something that I know,
• 48:29
  it's it's it's I want to be working on and
• 48:32
  something I want to be improving on. But I think
• 48:34
  that's a value that I have changed.
• 48:38
  Speaker 1: I love that I think I've talked about this a
• 48:41
  few times, but I do think it's it's important to
• 48:43
  keep reitering. Like I think I used to see romance
• 48:46
  very one way. I had a very singular view of
• 48:50
  what romance meant, which was like nice dinner, candlelight Flowers
• 48:56
  movie like that kind of very typical idea of what
• 48:59
  romance looks like. Or like Netflix and chill, where you
• 49:02
  like snuggled up on the couch watching, Like I think
• 49:03
  we all have these very basic views. Like I had
• 49:06
  someone ask me the other day. They were like, you know,
• 49:09
  if I'm Netflix and chilling with someone, like we've gone
• 49:12
  beyond the first date phase of having a drink together,
• 49:14
  but now when Netflix and chilling, Like, but I don't
• 49:16
  feel chemistry And I was like, you're not gonna film
• 49:18
  chemistry Netflix and chilling.
• 49:20
  Speaker 2: Yeah, just watching a movie, just watching a TV.
• 49:22
  Speaker 1: Show a movie, Like you can't feel chemistry for someone
• 49:24
  doing that because it's such a basic activity. And I
• 49:27
  think our relationship by almost chance, and I don't know how,
• 49:33
  but we kind of started on that foot of Like
• 49:35
  one of our first dates was go ape. Yeah and
• 49:38
  go Epe For anyone who doesn't know what that is
• 49:40
  is an assault course that's eighty feet up in the air.
• 49:43
  You know, we're like swinging from branch to branch. We're
• 49:46
  helping each other out, Like you got to see what
• 49:49
  scared me, I got to see what scared you. Like,
• 49:51
  there's just so much opportunity for chemistry there, and we
• 49:55
  would have very easily figured out if there wasn't any
• 49:57
  chemistry there. And another thing that we've done a lot of,
• 50:00
  which we talked about before, is escape rooms. Again, it's
• 50:02
  very easy to like get a conversation started and like
• 50:05
  you don't have to have that awkward silence because there's
• 50:07
  something to solve. And I think that's what life's kind
• 50:10
  of like, Like life's about solving a problem. Life isn't
• 50:12
  just talking to each other. And often when you go
• 50:14
  to dinner, I see so many couples on their phones
• 50:17
  and no one's talking for like an hour and a half,
• 50:20
  and the food comes and you kind of mention a
• 50:22
  few things that you like and then you're back to
• 50:23
  your phone. And that's because you can't just sit there
• 50:26
  and have random conversation. You need another almost activator or
• 50:31
  something interesting or fascinating to do. Like I know when
• 50:34
  we've been to like a pottery class or a painting class,
• 50:36
  or recently you tried to do wakeboarding right, and it's
• 50:39
  like that to me is so much more. I learned
• 50:42
  so much more about you watching you try to do
• 50:45
  this impossible.
• 50:46
  Speaker 2: Task, but an extreme sport.
• 50:48
  Speaker 1: I might at an extreme sport which made you feel
• 50:51
  like you had whiplashed.
• 50:51
  Speaker 2: The next way, I thought I was in so much pain.
• 50:53
  Speaker 1: Yeah, but it was like so fun watching you try
• 50:56
  something new, as opposed to like if we just sat
• 50:59
  at the bit and at dinner, like it just goes
• 51:02
  to and I appreciate it by the way, like we're
• 51:05
  tired at the end of the day. We do want
• 51:06
  to turn a sean on. That's fine, But at least
• 51:08
  once a week, I think it's really important to go
• 51:10
  do something different.
• 51:11
  Speaker 2: Thing that builds.
• 51:12
  Speaker 1: Yeah, something that builds, something where you're learning about someone,
• 51:14
  someone where you get more curious, you laugh at each other,
• 51:17
  you laugh at yourself, something where you're both doing a
• 51:19
  new experience. Because I find that in my old relationships,
• 51:23
  I literally thought of love and romance as a very
• 51:26
  typical date night, and I don't think we have a
• 51:29
  typical date night. I think we try and avoid it generally. Yeah,
• 51:32
  but if we go to watch a movie we don't
• 51:34
  see that as date night. We just see that as
• 51:35
  watching a movie. Yeah, we're both like we really want
• 51:37
  to see this movie. Yeah, let's go and watch it.
• 51:39
  But we're not like, oh, this is date night, Like
• 51:41
  that doesn't become our bonding. That just becomes something fun
• 51:44
  we want to do. Yeah, Or we don't watch a
• 51:46
  TV show and think this is us bonding.
• 51:48
  Speaker 2: Like the releast where you're not connecting can't be something
• 51:51
  that deepens or strengthens or creates, you know, a different
• 51:57
  perspective on your relationship. It's just you know, I used
• 51:59
  to feel the same way where it's like, oh, you
• 52:01
  know that thing of going on a Friday like movie night,
• 52:05
  you know, and if if every single time you're hanging
• 52:08
  out it's an activity where there's little connection, little like
• 52:14
  a connection on like all of us, connection on a
• 52:17
  mental level, connection on talking Like there's so much to
• 52:19
  do with connection that needs to happen within within a
• 52:24
  day or within spending time with someone where if you're
• 52:27
  watching something or if you're doing something with little of that,
• 52:30
  how can you get to the end of the day
• 52:32
  and be like, you know what that was? That was
• 52:34
  really good? I really felt like I connected with that person,
• 52:36
  because really you were just sitting there together in the
• 52:38
  same space. But there's connection, isn't You know, that's a
• 52:42
  different type. There's not a deeper connection that you're building
• 52:45
  during that time. And again, I love going to watch
• 52:47
  movies and stuff, but I think I've learned even if
• 52:49
  I want to get to know a friend, I won't
• 52:51
  ask her to come to watch a movie with me.
• 52:54
  That won't be the first time I'm spending with a
• 52:56
  girlfriend I'm trying to get to know. It will be
• 52:58
  let's go work out together, let's go food shopping together.
• 53:02
  Like it sounds so much, but something where we're able
• 53:04
  to connect on things, find out mutual things that we
• 53:06
  like or love, and you know, that's what really builds
• 53:09
  familiarity and a connection. And so yeah, I agree.
• 53:14
  Speaker 1: So the question is, if we rewinded ten years, what
• 53:18
  would have been our top three things we were looking
• 53:20
  for in a person.
• 53:22
  Speaker 2: Yeah. At that time, I think my mom was more
• 53:25
  worried about me looking for a partner than I was.
• 53:29
  And I'm checking she wasn't like pushing or anything, but.
• 53:33
  Speaker 1: Your mom forced to marry me.
• 53:34
  Speaker 2: Yeah, basically, I don't know. I was like in a
• 53:38
  big transitional phase of my life when I was when
• 53:43
  I started getting to know you, or when I met
• 53:45
  you at.
• 53:45
  Speaker 1: Least, Oh, that's long time.
• 53:47
  Speaker 2: Well, we're talking when we first started dating.
• 53:49
  Speaker 1: Ten years ago, when we first died dating.
• 53:50
  Speaker 2: Right, So at that point, I don't think I knew.
• 53:52
  I think I was just at the point in my
• 53:54
  life where I was like, oh, I knew I wanted
• 53:56
  someone that I could grow spiritually with. I think that
• 54:00
  was that was probably top of my list at the
• 54:02
  time because of the phase I was in. I was,
• 54:04
  you know, in deep at that time of really trying
• 54:08
  to explore that phase of my life at that part
• 54:10
  of my life, and so that was probably number one
• 54:13
  for me. Was someone that I know has has a
• 54:18
  spirit in them that wants to explore that part of
• 54:20
  their life too. That's what I wanted. And I didn't
• 54:25
  really have any like at that time, had any like
• 54:28
  financial goals or anything that wasn't something I thought about
• 54:31
  very often. And then apart from that, I'm trying to think, oh,
• 54:36
  and just laughing, Like I knew that I wanted someone
• 54:39
  that I could laugh with and crack jokes with and
• 54:42
  just yeah, I think laughing was really important to me
• 54:46
  and I don't think I hadn't spend time to think
• 54:48
  about that at the time, So that's that's about all
• 54:51
  I can think of it.
• 54:52
  Speaker 1: I don't think I ever had a list either, Like
• 54:53
  I don't think I was ever that kind of a person,
• 54:57
  and that's why I'm not a big list person now,
• 54:59
  like I don't. I think lists can often minimize who
• 55:03
  you meet because you have such a criteria and then
• 55:06
  you're finding this person who has all of this perfect criteria.
• 55:10
  But someone can be perfect on paper and still not
• 55:14
  be the right person. And I think you see this,
• 55:16
  like I mean, I'm giving a sports analogy here, but
• 55:19
  bear with me. It's the idea that sometimes a team
• 55:22
  on paper can be the perfect team they have all
• 55:25
  the best players in the world, but they don't perform
• 55:28
  on the pitch or on the field. And I feel
• 55:31
  like that's what relationships end up like, where you have
• 55:34
  this person who takes all your criteria, but then they're
• 55:37
  not that in real life, like you don't feel that
• 55:39
  with them, And so I think relationships are more about
• 55:42
  discovering someone like I couldn't have known what you would
• 55:46
  be like in ten years. You just can't know that.
• 55:49
  You just can't know what someone's going to be like
• 55:51
  in ten years, and so all I can do is
• 55:53
  be curious and open and learn. You are so many
• 55:57
  more things than I ever thought you were or would be,
• 56:00
  or could be or anything. But you either have to
• 56:02
  figure it out as you go and go, oh, I
• 56:04
  like that or don't like that, and let that be
• 56:07
  what leads you, rather than be like, Okay, I think
• 56:08
  I know who this person is. But then what if
• 56:10
  they change? What if those three things you wanted became
• 56:12
  completely different? Like I did want someone who is spiritually grounded.
• 56:16
  You are still spiritually grounded, and that is a massive
• 56:19
  pursuit in you. I wonder what I would feel like
• 56:21
  if you weren't. Well, I don't know, Like, I don't
• 56:24
  even know how I feel about that, because that would
• 56:26
  be something you'd have to be open to it if
• 56:27
  it came to them, right, right, And So I think
• 56:30
  criteria interesting, but I think it's more about exploring and
• 56:35
  discovering a human being.
• 56:36
  Speaker 2: That's true. Actually, so many people have lists of Like
• 56:38
  so many of my friends who are looking for a
• 56:40
  partner will have all these lists of what they want,
• 56:42
  and every category they'll have something that they want in it.
• 56:45
  And sometimes it's like, oh, I met this person and
• 56:47
  they make me laugh and they you know, they really
• 56:49
  give that feeling that they've been looking for. But then
• 56:52
  they don't meet the criteria and it kind of completely
• 56:55
  throws them off and they don't even know where to
• 56:56
  go on a second date with them, and it kind
• 56:58
  of feels like a missed opportunity because is you know,
• 57:01
  it's so a lot of the time it should be
• 57:02
  so much more about emotion and how someone makes you
• 57:04
  feel versus whether they fit that that perfect that you've created.
• 57:09
  Speaker 1: Yeah, like some people like he has to be six
• 57:10
  foot two, yes.
• 57:11
  Speaker 2: So oh my gosh, so many people. And I'm like,
• 57:15
  like friends like has we tore dark and handsome?
• 57:17
  Speaker 1: And I get being attracted tattoos, and I get being
• 57:21
  attracted to your partner.
• 57:22
  Speaker 4: Yeah.
• 57:22
  Speaker 1: I'm not saying don't be attracted obviously obviously right, just
• 57:26
  putting it out there, But you can't make that the
• 57:29
  criteria of it all.
• 57:30
  Speaker 2: Like, you know, if you're already getting along with Like,
• 57:32
  if you get along with someone and you've got that
• 57:34
  you know, connection to then go back to your list
• 57:37
  and be like tick tick a cross because they're.
• 57:38
  Speaker 1: Six foot two is not going to keep that relationship.
• 57:41
  That's the point. Whether you know that's not going to
• 57:44
  make sure.
• 57:44
  Speaker 2: You're all going to shrink, you know, that's what happens
• 57:46
  with the old age. Then so they're married someone six
• 57:49
  four exactly exactly.
• 57:52
  Speaker 1: So the question is how do we shot up for
• 57:54
  our partner even when our partner has so many other priorities,
• 57:57
  has a purpose, has things that keep them busy. How
• 58:00
  do we still show up for each other when we're
• 58:02
  busy and they're busy and have so much going on. Yeah,
• 58:05
  I think this was actually our weakness because being busy
• 58:09
  in our life came about on us so quickly, Like
• 58:12
  I don't you know, I always say this to people,
• 58:14
  like I didn't plan for this life. We didn't plan
• 58:16
  for this life. Things transformed and moved very quickly and
• 58:20
  changed very quickly, and it took off quickly, even for us,
• 58:24
  and we almost had to play catch up with it.
• 58:26
  And so I never thought when we got married that
• 58:29
  we'd ever spend any time apart, right, and all of
• 58:32
  a sudden, months in our relationship before the pandemic, in
• 58:36
  the first two years of our marriage, we spent like
• 58:38
  eight months apart. And then it was the pandemic and
• 58:41
  we spent every day together and I loved it. I'd
• 58:43
  have to say it was two of my favorite years
• 58:45
  of spending time with you. I love spending time with
• 58:47
  you for those two years. And then when the pandemic
• 58:50
  was over again, our lives again they have been like
• 58:53
  we spent like nearly six months apart last year, this month,
• 58:56
  at the start of this year, we've already spent a
• 58:58
  month apart obviously different reasons. And last year again was
• 59:01
  a surprise. It wasn't part of the plan. Yeah, it
• 59:04
  was challenges beyond us that we couldn't control that were
• 59:07
  keeping us apart. Visa issues, things like that that are
• 59:10
  like complex and you know, things that we have to
• 59:12
  deal with when you are from different countries and live
• 59:14
  in different countries. And that was like the first time
• 59:17
  where I realized that I didn't have good tools for
• 59:20
  that kind of distance, and actually because I just thought
• 59:25
  that it didn't matter, you just stay the same and
• 59:28
  things would be fine. And so I think I've actually
• 59:31
  learned the hard way sometimes where I haven't been as
• 59:35
  well informed or didn't think I had all the tools
• 59:37
  or I had it all figured out, and I've realized
• 59:39
  the importance of checking in every day, which I never
• 59:42
  really used to think that was the thing. I never
• 59:44
  thought you had to check in every day. And I
• 59:46
  know that sounds stupid to a lot of people, but.
• 59:48
  Speaker 2: No, I think it's also because we're both very safe deten.
• 59:50
  Speaker 1: Oh yeah, we're very independent as well, and we're safe
• 59:53
  and secure and we trust each other. And then I
• 59:55
  realized checking in every day was so important when we
• 59:57
  were traveling or not in the same place. That was
• 1:00:01
  a big one. I'd say that the other one was
• 1:00:04
  for every day you spend a part you need to
• 1:00:07
  have a quality day together. I really believe that. Like
• 1:00:11
  I felt like last year, when we didn't see each
• 1:00:13
  other for six months, I felt like I spent the
• 1:00:15
  next six months only thinking about a relationship because it
• 1:00:19
  had to be the priority. You can't just expect a
• 1:00:22
  plant or a tree to grow in your house when
• 1:00:25
  you don't water it and you don't take care of it.
• 1:00:27
  And so if you've not seen it for six months
• 1:00:29
  because you've been traveling, you don't just get to come
• 1:00:31
  back plant. Yeah, you don't just get to come back
• 1:00:33
  to it and go, oh great, like I'm back now,
• 1:00:36
  like start blooming. Like it doesn't work that way, Like
• 1:00:39
  it takes so much of that effort, and I think
• 1:00:41
  I didn't fully digest that. And last year was that
• 1:00:45
  year where I was like, all right, that's what it's
• 1:00:47
  going to take. It's going to take six months of recreating, refocusing, reprotesting.
• 1:00:53
  That's what I did last year. That's how I felt
• 1:00:55
  that I focused on that at the end of last year. Yeah,
• 1:00:57
  and that's how I feel now as well. Like, you know,
• 1:00:59
  you've been here because of family challenges and things like that.
• 1:01:02
  With your grandma, it's not been well. And who obviously
• 1:01:05
  we know is your favorite person in the world, and
• 1:01:07
  it's like you've obviously wanted to be with them. And again,
• 1:01:09
  we haven't seen each other for a month because you've
• 1:01:11
  had to be with an hospital. And so there's so
• 1:01:13
  many things that come up in our lives that are
• 1:01:16
  always going to be there. So we can't live in
• 1:01:18
  this perfect world of like, oh, never go two days
• 1:01:20
  without each other. Life doesn't work that way. Life. You
• 1:01:24
  can't make fake rules. But the rule I have made
• 1:01:26
  is that when we are reconnecting, you have to go
• 1:01:29
  deeper in less time to rebuild the relationship. When you
• 1:01:33
  are busy and you have to spend quality time one
• 1:01:36
  of the things I loved that we did was and
• 1:01:39
  I want to get back to it as soon as
• 1:01:41
  we're in a flow of being together again. It's like
• 1:01:43
  the idea of every thirty days. We used to take
• 1:01:46
  three days we disappeared three hours away from LA we'd
• 1:01:51
  lock our phones away in the room and we'd just
• 1:01:53
  bike together, walk together, and be together. And to me,
• 1:01:57
  when you all have a busy month, I think three
• 1:02:00
  days a month where you go so deep with each
• 1:02:03
  other is so needed because you are busy every month
• 1:02:06
  and not everyone has time every day or the energy
• 1:02:08
  every day to like sit down with their partner and
• 1:02:11
  check it in and make it You can't, but you can
• 1:02:13
  once a month. And I think you have to have
• 1:02:15
  a monthly check in. Even when we do these annual
• 1:02:18
  check ins, I think these are really important. Like, yes,
• 1:02:21
  we recorded and it goes out as a podcast, but
• 1:02:23
  I think every couple should have an annual check in
• 1:02:25
  and answered these questions that we're answering. Otherwise, like years
• 1:02:28
  go by and then a decade later you're thinking about
• 1:02:30
  your relationship. And so I think reflecting is such a
• 1:02:34
  powerful tool. Yeah, and recording is actually a powerful tool.
• 1:02:37
  And I think if we were to reflect and record
• 1:02:39
  more often every month and every year with our partners,
• 1:02:42
  your relationship will go in the right direction as opposed
• 1:02:45
  to your relationship going off in a wrong direction. Yeah,
• 1:02:48
  and then you're trying to save it years later.
• 1:02:50
  Speaker 2: Yeah, that makes sense. I think check ins. Yeah, I
• 1:02:52
  think I didn't think that that was like, oh, we're
• 1:02:55
  on two different time zones. It's so hard to just
• 1:02:59
  we'll just figure out when we see each other, and
• 1:03:00
  we'll talk when we see each other. We'll catch up
• 1:03:03
  with each other when we see each other. But yeah,
• 1:03:05
  I think daily chickens is a really important part of it.
• 1:03:09
  Message or call, like whatever is feasible and easy today.
• 1:03:14
  Speaker 1: I think, be really honest about what you need as well,
• 1:03:16
  Like I feel, yeah, just catching the person, like you
• 1:03:20
  know that even if I've had a busy day, if
• 1:03:22
  you said to me, I really need to talk to
• 1:03:25
  you tonight or let's chat, you know, I'd be there,
• 1:03:28
  even if I've had a really busy day and I'm
• 1:03:30
  exhausted or whatever it may be. But if you don't know,
• 1:03:33
  sometimes you assume your partner just knows. And I think
• 1:03:36
  that's always where things go wrong, where it's like, well,
• 1:03:38
  why haven't you checked in with me for a month?
• 1:03:40
  That mentality really ruins relationship rather than you're saying, let's
• 1:03:43
  agree to have a checking out and they see how
• 1:03:46
  we're doing, see what you need help with. One thing
• 1:03:49
  I recommended in the book was four questions. So once
• 1:03:53
  every day is what have you done for yourself today?
• 1:03:57
  Once every week is what you've got coming up this week?
• 1:04:01
  And what support do you need? Every quarter is is
• 1:04:04
  this relationship going in the direction you want? And how
• 1:04:07
  can we get it in there? And the fourth question
• 1:04:09
  every year is what are your goals? And how can
• 1:04:11
  I help you? I ask you a lot of those
• 1:04:13
  questions all the time, and so I just broke it
• 1:04:15
  down into that formula because I really wanted people to
• 1:04:17
  have like really clear things that they could do.
• 1:04:20
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I'll ask you them from Nowah cool, get my
• 1:04:24
  notepad out.
• 1:04:25
  Speaker 1: So the question is it's early twenty twenty three, what
• 1:04:28
  are our goals? What are we pursuing? What's important to
• 1:04:30
  us as a couple for this year. I always talk
• 1:04:33
  about in the book how there's three types of relationship,
• 1:04:36
  the one you have with your own purpose, the one
• 1:04:38
  your partner has with their purpose, and then having a
• 1:04:41
  purpose together as well, and so looking at that third
• 1:04:43
  part of it, I think for me it's I really
• 1:04:48
  feel that even though I haven't been neglectful or I
• 1:04:56
  don't feel I've put our relationship second or less important
• 1:05:00
  for this much time, I'm definitely in a place this
• 1:05:03
  year where I want it to be really important, and
• 1:05:07
  so I want to travel more together. I want to
• 1:05:09
  spend even more quality time together, especially because we've kind
• 1:05:12
  of gone from having like two years when we first
• 1:05:16
  we went together, two years married, where we were like
• 1:05:18
  in the pandemic, where we're together every day. So now
• 1:05:20
  again the busyness, and it's almost like I want to
• 1:05:23
  make sure that I'm constantly investing in that in our relationship.
• 1:05:27
  And I think traveling together more, having that deep time
• 1:05:30
  as I'm talking about together more, those weekend breaks more
• 1:05:34
  like that stuff is so important to me and I'm
• 1:05:39
  really looking forward to that with you.
• 1:05:40
  Speaker 2: Yeah, me too that And like I think for me,
• 1:05:43
  it's like learning how to schedule in time for that
• 1:05:46
  because sometimes I can be like, oh, yeah, will happen
• 1:05:48
  and we can do it whenever and we'll just hang
• 1:05:51
  out and like planning things and creating experiences and moments
• 1:05:55
  for that to happen. I think that's that's something I
• 1:05:58
  want to work them because I'm not very good at that.
• 1:06:01
  Speaker 1: Yeah, thank you Raddy for coming back on. All right,
• 1:06:04
  You'll be coming back on a lot this year and
• 1:06:06
  next year because you've got so many exciting things.
• 1:06:08
  Speaker 2: Sorry, I'm like fully booked for the rest of the year,
• 1:06:10
  so you had.
• 1:06:11
  Speaker 1: So many exciting things coming up. I'm so excited. I'm
• 1:06:13
  so proud of you, Like I've been watching you in
• 1:06:16
  the background work on so many incredible things. Yeah that
• 1:06:18
  I'm gonna excite and delight so many people, surprise so
• 1:06:22
  many people, and I can't wait for you to share
• 1:06:24
  them with the world.
• 1:06:25
  Speaker 2: Me too. I'm excited and I.
• 1:06:28
  Speaker 1: Love you, and it's been fun watching you grow. It's
• 1:06:30
  been fun doing this video as always. I can't believe me.
• 1:06:32
  I've done it for two years.
• 1:06:33
  Speaker 2: I know, I can't even and what we're doing.
• 1:06:35
  Speaker 1: Last year, well I didn't see you.
• 1:06:37
  Speaker 2: Oh yeah, that was it.
• 1:06:40
  Speaker 1: But I love you so much and I'm so grateful
• 1:06:42
  to be in this journey of life with you. And
• 1:06:44
  I don't think I would have learned a half of
• 1:06:46
  what I've learned in life or what I put in
• 1:06:49
  this book if I wasn't with you same and so
• 1:06:52
  you've taught me so.
• 1:06:52
  Speaker 2: Much same you took me so much.
• 1:06:55
  Speaker 1: I still find you as adorable ten years ago.
• 1:06:58
  Speaker 2: And that's the wrap.
• 1:06:59
  Speaker 1: Guys, Thank you so much for watching and listening today.
• 1:07:04
  Make sure you tag Raddy and I with anything that
• 1:07:06
  stood out to you or anything that connected or resonated
• 1:07:09
  with you. As always, Roddy and I try to be
• 1:07:11
  extremely open and organic with you with these conversations. I
• 1:07:15
  hope you enjoyed it. I hope it helps you in
• 1:07:17
  your daily life, in your relationships and with the people
• 1:07:21
  that you connect with. That's our only intention and our
• 1:07:23
  only goal. Thank you so much for listening to on Purpose,
• 1:07:27
  and I'll see you on another episode. Thank you so much. Hi,
• 1:07:31
  if you love this episode, you're going to love my
• 1:07:34
  conversation with Matthew Hussey on how to get over your
• 1:07:37
  ex and find true love in your relationships.