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How False Narratives Control Your Life — And How To Change Them (Part 2 with Daniel Schulerr) · It's A Grand Life

• 0:08
  SPEAKER_01: Welcome to It's a Grand Life, where our mission is to be a voice for grandfamilies and kinship caregivers everywhere.
• 0:16
  SPEAKER_01: Did you know that in the United States alone there are 2.3 million grandparents raising their grandchildren?
• 0:24
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• 0:26
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• 0:30
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• 0:35
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• 0:49
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• 1:01
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• 1:24
  SPEAKER_01: Welcome to another episode of It's a Grand Life.
• 1:28
  SPEAKER_01: Hello, my name is Craig Nash.
• 1:29
  SPEAKER_01: I'd like to welcome you to another It's a Grand Life.
• 1:32
  SPEAKER_01: And today, if you enjoyed our show last week, you're really going to be blessed because we've got Daniel Schuler back again for part two of Coaching Grandparents Raising Their Grandkids.
• 1:44
  SPEAKER_01: This is a professional life coach from Austin, Texas, a friend of mine, just an absolute great guy.
• 1:49
  SPEAKER_01: And he has coached over 1,200 individuals from eight-year-old soccer players to 70-year-old CEOs of corporations, and you'll be able to pick up on some very practical tips during today's podcast of experiencing transformation.
• 2:06
  SPEAKER_01: How to experience transformation and what uh and where do you want transformation?
• 2:11
  SPEAKER_01: These are the questions that Daniel Schuler, our host, our guest today, answers on It's a Grand Life.
• 2:17
  SPEAKER_01: And just stay tuned.
• 2:18
  SPEAKER_01: I know you're gonna be blessed.
• 2:19
  SPEAKER_01: And thank you so much for joining us for Daniel Schuler and It's a Grand Life.
• 2:25
  SPEAKER_00: I want to change my mind.
• 2:26
  SPEAKER_00: I want to change the way I think about love.
• 2:28
  SPEAKER_00: I want to change the way I think about money.
• 2:31
  SPEAKER_00: I want to change the way I think about my parenting capabilities.
• 2:35
  SPEAKER_00: And once you figure out where you want to change, then you go, how is the current way I'm thinking showing up in my life?
• 2:43
  SPEAKER_00: What is it keeping me from doing?
• 2:45
  SPEAKER_00: Well, the way that I think about love is keeping me from experiencing it.
• 2:49
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 2:50
  SPEAKER_00: The way that I'm thinking about money is keeping me from saving or from whatever it is.
• 2:56
  SPEAKER_00: And so then from there, then you have to figure out the definitions.
• 3:01
  SPEAKER_00: So there's it's a lot of layered work and it seems complex, but rather than asking, you know, 25 different questions, it's asking the same question, you know, maybe 25 times.
• 3:13
  SPEAKER_00: So what do I believe about this?
• 3:14
  SPEAKER_00: And where did I learn that?
• 3:15
  SPEAKER_00: And then you get an answer, and where did I learn that?
• 3:18
  SPEAKER_00: And what did that remind me of?
• 3:19
  SPEAKER_00: And where did I learn that?
• 3:20
  SPEAKER_00: And what's that definition?
• 3:22
  SPEAKER_00: And where did I learn?
• 3:23
  SPEAKER_00: And you just want to get to that origin point because most of us in this world are functioning out of our default.
• 3:33
  SPEAKER_00: Where when something happens, it's your your default is the first place you go mentally when something happens.
• 3:38
  SPEAKER_00: So if I so if I hear someone say something about me in the realm of adequacy, let's say, oh yeah, you didn't really do great on this assignment, for example.
• 3:50
  SPEAKER_00: Not that I'm in school, but this is just an example, it's no longer about the assignment, it's about me.
• 3:56
  unknown: Right?
• 3:56
  SPEAKER_00: Because if if my identity is tied to performance, when I don't perform well, I now as an individual have lost worth.
• 4:06
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 4:08
  SPEAKER_01: So when so when you deal with folks, you you have to um uncover these core questions that they need to ask themselves.
• 4:15
  SPEAKER_01: Is that part of the first visit you have with with when you're uh coaching someone?
• 4:19
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, so there's there's a you know, there's sort of a pre-call that we'll do for 15, 20 minutes and just kind of get where they're at, you know, because they'll come to me and they'll say, hey, what does it look like to work with you, or whatever the case may be?
• 4:31
  SPEAKER_00: And I'll say, Well, we, you know, we got to make sure you're good fit first.
• 4:35
  SPEAKER_00: So if they're uh um, I typically will not work with someone if they're heavily medicated for something or if they've been diagnosed with some sort of um mental chronic something just because I'm not, you know, I'm not uh I'm not able to prescribe or diagnose or anything.
• 4:58
  SPEAKER_00: And so the other thing, liability-wise, even if we're doing really good narrative work, if there's a day where their medication is off, I don't have any protection for that.
• 5:08
  SPEAKER_00: You know, so that would be kind of the only disqualifying thing.
• 5:11
  SPEAKER_00: But it's usually just what what what makes you think you want to change?
• 5:16
  SPEAKER_00: What is happening right now that makes you want to change in the first place?
• 5:20
  SPEAKER_00: You know, is it that you you don't like that you can't hold conversations with people?
• 5:24
  SPEAKER_00: Do you get annoy?
• 5:25
  SPEAKER_00: I don't some people literally just come to me and say, I don't like how annoyed I get at stuff.
• 5:30
  SPEAKER_01: Really?
• 5:31
  SPEAKER_00: I just get annoyed at everything, and I really wish I could change that.
• 5:34
  SPEAKER_00: So then it's a really short call at that point, and I'll just say, okay, yeah, we can work together.
• 5:40
  SPEAKER_00: And so the you know, within those those first sessions, I kind of call the excavation.
• 5:44
  SPEAKER_00: So we're doing a lot of digging, you know.
• 5:46
  SPEAKER_00: So I'll just I would start by so tell me more about this annoying.
• 5:51
  SPEAKER_00: What annoys you?
• 5:52
  SPEAKER_00: How do you know that you're annoyed?
• 5:54
  SPEAKER_00: Because they're not annoyed all the time.
• 5:56
  SPEAKER_00: People will typically tell me the belief, but it's not the truth.
• 6:00
  SPEAKER_00: Everybody annoys me all the time.
• 6:03
  SPEAKER_00: I know it's not everybody, and I know it's not all the time.
• 6:05
  SPEAKER_00: I know it's sometimes in some people in some situations.
• 6:08
  SPEAKER_00: They don't know that, but they're using the rep the the narrative to describe how they feel.
• 6:14
  SPEAKER_00: They're saying how they feel, not what's happening.
• 6:16
  SPEAKER_00: So I'll say, tell me, you know, tell me a situation where someone annoyed you.
• 6:19
  SPEAKER_00: And so we kind of just work from there, and it's really just a dialogue because I I actually was on a podcast the other day, and I've said this there's way too much informing in the coaching space and not enough equipping and discovery where I don't want to be on this high horse of wisdom where I just sound like a guru to you.
• 6:44
  SPEAKER_00: I'm bringing you into yourself, helping you learn, using your words, your methods, your questions, and your belief systems to help you figure out how you even got to where you are today.
• 6:56
  SPEAKER_00: Because if you still need me when we're done, I haven't done my job.
• 7:01
  SPEAKER_01: Really?
• 7:02
  SPEAKER_01: And that that's so one of the things I used to think about your profession, all of the uh um you know the coaching and the psychologists and what have you, is that they all I know many psychologists that almost have clients for life.
• 7:16
  SPEAKER_01: You know, what you sign up, you come in, I'll see you next Tuesday.
• 7:19
  SPEAKER_01: We're gonna take it where we left off.
• 7:21
  SPEAKER_01: But that's not your approach.
• 7:23
  SPEAKER_00: No.
• 7:24
  SPEAKER_00: And and to be clear, I'm not saying that people that do have clients for life aren't doing their job.
• 7:31
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm not saying that the people who go for life aren't getting results.
• 7:36
  SPEAKER_00: For me specifically, there's a difference between wanting to speak with me and needing to speak with me in order to experience freedom every time.
• 7:46
  SPEAKER_00: So there are plenty of people who keep talking to me because they want to, but but if I wasn't there, they'd be able to use what we did to kind of walk themselves through it.
• 7:57
  SPEAKER_00: Because my goal is to create autonomy, not codependence.
• 8:00
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, love that.
• 8:02
  SPEAKER_00: The whole reason they're coming to me is because of their codependence with their false narrative.
• 8:10
  SPEAKER_00: Even if you're alone, you know, you are codependent on whatever story you're believing at that point in time.
• 8:18
  SPEAKER_00: And so I want to create autonomy to where most people don't even know they have a narrative at all.
• 8:24
  SPEAKER_00: So the first step to fixing a false narrative is to knowing that you have one, and then that way you start using language like I'm, oh, that was my false narrative.
• 8:36
  SPEAKER_00: You'll have you'll have an emotion about something and you'll say, Oh, false identity.
• 8:41
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, what's the truth?
• 8:42
  SPEAKER_00: People start doing that, and that's that's true equipping.
• 8:47
  SPEAKER_00: That's huge.
• 8:48
  SPEAKER_00: That's huge.
• 8:49
  SPEAKER_00: Where people start using the language you use in the session to process their life when you're not there.
• 8:55
  SPEAKER_00: And that's how transformation happens.
• 8:56
  SPEAKER_00: I can't, I can't, you know, coach a million people.
• 9:01
  SPEAKER_00: Like if you want to coach, uh there's a uh there's a quote and it says, if you want to go fast, go alone.
• 9:08
  SPEAKER_00: If you want to go far, go together.
• 9:10
  SPEAKER_00: And it's the same kind of situation.
• 9:12
  SPEAKER_00: I want to go far.
• 9:13
  SPEAKER_00: And so the way that I coach is to equip them to bring it into their communities because I'm not like, for example, I'm not talking to you.
• 9:22
  SPEAKER_00: I'm talking to you and everyone you communicate with on a day-to-day basis.
• 9:27
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 9:28
  SPEAKER_00: And so my goal is for you to start using language where people go, you always talk so different.
• 9:35
  SPEAKER_00: Where what do you how do you do that?
• 9:37
  SPEAKER_00: What it where what is that?
• 9:39
  SPEAKER_00: And you'll say, Oh, it's it's uh, you know, I just do a lot of identity work, and then they'll go, well, what's identity work?
• 9:45
  SPEAKER_00: And then rather than you sending them to me, you're now equipped to do it with them.
• 9:50
  SPEAKER_00: And that's how you change the community, isn't by everybody needing to go to the one shaman in the corner.
• 9:55
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 9:56
  SPEAKER_00: You know, it's it's no, this is this is a a system that's duplicatable and bringing people into themselves, and it's it's powerful to know how to think, but it's way more powerful to know how to know how you think.
• 10:11
  SPEAKER_01: That's absolutely great.
• 10:12
  SPEAKER_01: It's and which leads me to my next question.
• 10:16
  SPEAKER_01: I know you are certified in neuro-linguistic programming.
• 10:20
  SPEAKER_01: Is that included in what we just discussed?
• 10:23
  SPEAKER_00: At times, yeah.
• 10:24
  SPEAKER_00: I in in theory, you use it all day because again, it's just the filters that you use to determine the world.
• 10:31
  SPEAKER_00: And and uh, you know, for example, if I ask someone to describe a past event, based off of some of the wording they use, I can tell the best way they learn, whether it's audio, visual, kinesthetic, or whatever it is.
• 10:46
  SPEAKER_00: And it's not to be confused with, you know, I'm not reading people, right?
• 10:51
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not I'm not doing psychoanalyzing because the other thing is um you there's people that can be pretty accurate to a point, but in my opinion, if I'm psychoanalyzing someone, I'm projecting onto them because I'm using my filter to determine what I think I'm seeing when I could figure all of that out by just asking them a question.
• 11:13
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 11:13
  SPEAKER_01: That's good.
• 11:14
  SPEAKER_00: You know, and so and it just it just leaves it just leaves more room for for dialogue and interaction.
• 11:20
  SPEAKER_00: And you know, sometimes even certain eye movements, you know, when I ask someone to um, you know, tell me about a time, blah, blah, blah.
• 11:29
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes based off of where their eyes go, I'll kind of know if they're seeing a picture or remembering a time or recreating it based off of the angle, whatever.
• 11:38
  SPEAKER_00: And and again, I don't I'm not saying that in there.
• 11:41
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, oh, I noticed your eyes went up and to the left.
• 11:43
  SPEAKER_00: What were you thinking about?
• 11:44
  SPEAKER_00: My next question would just be, what did you see?
• 11:48
  SPEAKER_00: Or where did you just take yourself?
• 11:51
  SPEAKER_00: Things like that.
• 11:52
  SPEAKER_00: But it's not this, um, yeah, it's it's yeah.
• 11:58
  SPEAKER_01: That's that's it, that's absolutely great.
• 12:00
  SPEAKER_01: Now I'm thinking about um these wonderful grandparent groups that I work with across the country.
• 12:05
  SPEAKER_01: You know, and there's there's one really close to you.
• 12:07
  SPEAKER_01: The lady who runs it is just terrific.
• 12:09
  SPEAKER_01: Her name is Mercedes, and uh she is a grandma who's raising five grandkids.
• 12:16
  SPEAKER_01: Wow grandkids.
• 12:17
  SPEAKER_01: Yep.
• 12:18
  SPEAKER_01: And she is uh a young lady, I won't tell you her age because I don't want her mad at me.
• 12:23
  SPEAKER_01: But she's uh she runs the you know, Texas where you live is huge.
• 12:28
  SPEAKER_01: And she runs the organization for the whole state of Texas.
• 12:31
  SPEAKER_01: And she's got an office, I think, in Dallas and in San Antonio, I think they're in Austin as well.
• 12:37
  SPEAKER_01: But uh they have relationships at each of these locations with grandparents that are raising their grandkids, and they're all dealing with uh the negative beliefs that they believe, grandparents, and the kids believe.
• 12:51
  SPEAKER_01: So, in a scenario like that, if you were to chat with my friend Mercedes, would you say, hey, I want all the grandparents lined up?
• 12:57
  SPEAKER_01: I'm gonna do a one-on-one with them, and we're gonna have just a good old time as I get to know Mrs.
• 13:01
  SPEAKER_01: Jones and Mrs.
• 13:02
  SPEAKER_01: Ortega, or would you do something at a um at a community center, let's say with a room full of grandparents?
• 13:09
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, situation like that, I would definitely go with a group.
• 13:12
  SPEAKER_00: Um the individual stuff might happen, but you can bring a lot of this into community and have it have a lot of power because you can give people a general framework that they can then individualize.
• 13:25
  SPEAKER_00: So I could ask you a question here that you could ask in a room of a hundred people and have it be just as effective.
• 13:32
  SPEAKER_00: Right?
• 13:32
  SPEAKER_00: And so because whether it's Mrs.
• 13:36
  SPEAKER_00: Jones or Mrs.
• 13:36
  SPEAKER_00: Whoever, I'm gonna be asking them the same questions.
• 13:39
  SPEAKER_00: The only thing that's gonna change is their responses, and I might reframe the way I ask the question based off of what they say, but it's the same route.
• 13:49
  SPEAKER_00: And we're still getting to the same origin point of what is being believed in this moment, how is it being acted upon, and how is the way in which it's being acted upon affecting those around us and ourselves and the environment.
• 14:06
  SPEAKER_00: And if we don't like that outcome, it's not that we're doing the wrong thing, it's that what we believed right before we did that thing is leading us in the wrong direction.
• 14:16
  SPEAKER_01: And friends, we're gonna have to stop it right there.
• 14:18
  SPEAKER_01: This uh uh these last two shows have been just really impactful with Daniel Schuler from Austin, Texas, and with all the work that he has done, uh counseling folks all over the country, all ages, and and had a lot of success and just such a dear friend of mine.
• 14:34
  SPEAKER_01: And I just uh I hope you enjoyed this as much as I did.
• 14:38
  SPEAKER_01: You gotta come back next week when we talk about what are some of the best outcomes, Daniel, from your coaching practice.
• 14:45
  SPEAKER_01: And I know you're gonna be blessed with that.
• 14:47
  SPEAKER_01: And he does talk about the space we're in of grandparents raising grandkids.
• 14:51
  SPEAKER_01: So thanks so much for joining us for another It's a Grand Life.
• 14:54
  SPEAKER_01: We'll see you next week for part three of Daniel Schuler and how do you coach grandparents raising grandchildren?
• 15:01
  SPEAKER_01: Thanks so much.
• 15:02
  SPEAKER_01: See you next time.
• 15:03
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• 15:06
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• 15:24
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• 15:29
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• 15:34
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• 15:38
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• 15:44
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• 15:48
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• 15:52
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• 15:56
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