Latest / Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud / S4 Ep8: The Wild Mind of Pete Davidson 🤣

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S4 Ep8: The Wild Mind of Pete Davidson 🤣 · Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_01: I was on a magical drug for the last two and a half, three years called ketamine.
• 0:04
  SPEAKER_01: It was amazing.
• 0:06
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, what a time.
• 0:08
  SPEAKER_01: I thought of amazing ideas.
• 0:10
  SPEAKER_01: Great ideas.
• 0:11
  SPEAKER_01: Like uh an Italian sleep aid called melaton.
• 0:16
  SPEAKER_01: Sorry.
• 0:18
  SPEAKER_01: So dumb.
• 0:19
  SPEAKER_01: You go to sleep right away with melaton.
• 0:24
  SPEAKER_01: No prescription.
• 0:25
  SPEAKER_01: Some guy just gives it to you under a bridge and kisses you on the cheek.
• 0:32
  SPEAKER_01: Take one when you ate the thermpike, alright?
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_01: I had an AIDS scare this year.
• 0:44
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I did.
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_01: And you're like, Pete, wow, what's going on in your life?
• 0:48
  SPEAKER_01: Are you uh sharing needles?
• 0:49
  SPEAKER_01: Are you doing heroin?
• 0:50
  SPEAKER_01: Are you having tons of unprotected sex?
• 0:54
  SPEAKER_01: No, Kanye told me I had AIDS.
• 0:59
  SPEAKER_01: And uh and his uh he's a genius, so I was like, oh fuck.
• 1:07
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, I better call my doctor.
• 1:10
  SPEAKER_01: I even made college dropout thinks I have AIDS.
• 1:15
  SPEAKER_01: So I went to the doctor.
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_01: I actually got checked because I was like, maybe he's right, I don't know.
• 1:21
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, I don't know.
• 1:23
  SPEAKER_01: So my doctor told me I don't have AIDS, I just look like I have it.
• 1:27
  SPEAKER_01: So it's a completely different thing.
• 1:31
  SPEAKER_01: You know what's really funny about that?
• 1:32
  SPEAKER_01: AIDS is just such an old school like thing.
• 1:35
  SPEAKER_01: They're like, you have AIDS.
• 1:37
  SPEAKER_01: It's like it's just such a 90s, early 2000s thing to like, you know what I mean?
• 1:44
  SPEAKER_01: John Mullaney called me and he's like, AIDS, you should spread a rumor that he has polio.
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_01: Does anybody else secretly hope that like Kanye pulls like a Mrs.
• 1:59
  SPEAKER_01: Doubtfire?
• 2:06
  SPEAKER_01: I come home one day and they're like, this is the new housekeeper.
• 2:09
  SPEAKER_01: And he's like, What's up, man?
• 2:15
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, it's uh it's it's been it's it's a really weird thing to go through.
• 2:19
  SPEAKER_01: Like uh, there's because you know, people try to give you advice, but even friends that are like older, they're like, I don't know.
• 2:28
  SPEAKER_01: He's like, it looks pretty bad, bro.
• 2:30
  SPEAKER_01: I hope.
• 2:31
  SPEAKER_01: Good luck.
• 2:32
  SPEAKER_01: Sorry, here if you need, but like no advice.
• 2:35
  SPEAKER_01: No one was like, this is what you do.
• 2:37
  SPEAKER_01: Everyone was like, oh yeah.
• 2:40
  SPEAKER_01: Stay with your mom, you're in a safe spot.
• 2:46
  SPEAKER_01: But people ask me weird questions.
• 2:48
  SPEAKER_01: So it's that's the only thing I don't like.
• 2:50
  SPEAKER_01: They ask you weird stuff.
• 2:51
  SPEAKER_01: Like the other day, somebody came up to me and was like, I I heard uh you're friends with Jack Harlow.
• 2:57
  SPEAKER_01: I I am.
• 2:58
  SPEAKER_01: He's a very great, talented rapper, he's a cool dude.
• 3:01
  SPEAKER_01: Nice guy.
• 3:01
  SPEAKER_01: So we're pals, right?
• 3:03
  SPEAKER_01: And uh Kanye put him on his on his new album.
• 3:07
  SPEAKER_01: Uh even you know, even though I've been friends with him for like two, three years, you know, he did it anyway.
• 3:13
  SPEAKER_01: And people call to me and they're like, how does that make you feel?
• 3:16
  SPEAKER_01: Does that bother you?
• 3:17
  SPEAKER_01: Does that get under your skin?
• 3:21
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm like, no, he's a rapper.
• 3:25
  SPEAKER_01: That's his field.
• 3:26
  SPEAKER_01: That's that's what they do.
• 3:28
  SPEAKER_01: That doesn't hurt my feelings.
• 3:29
  SPEAKER_01: It would hurt my feelings if I saw like Bill Burr at Sunday service.
• 3:35
  SPEAKER_01: I'm like, what the fuck, Bill?
• 3:36
  SPEAKER_01: He'd be like, fine God, Petey, don't fuck yourself.
• 3:40
  SPEAKER_00: Jesus.
• 3:43
  SPEAKER_01: It's embarrassing when you're not on ketamine anymore, though.
• 3:46
  SPEAKER_01: You're like, ooh.
• 3:49
  SPEAKER_01: I'm embarrassed.
• 3:50
  SPEAKER_01: I was out and about like that.
• 3:51
  SPEAKER_01: That's not cool, you know.
• 3:53
  SPEAKER_01: And I was at funerals like that.
• 3:55
  SPEAKER_01: That's fucked up, right?
• 3:56
  SPEAKER_01: I was at Aretha Franklin's funeral like that.
• 4:00
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I have to live with that.
• 4:01
  SPEAKER_01: You know what I mean?
• 4:03
  SPEAKER_01: She'll never know, but still, it's not the point.
• 4:05
  SPEAKER_01: You know what I mean?
• 4:06
  SPEAKER_01: If she was there, she would probably be like, hey, who are you?
• 4:09
  SPEAKER_01: What the fuck are you doing at my funeral?
• 4:11
  SPEAKER_01: You know, I don't know.
• 4:13
  SPEAKER_01: It's embarrassing.
• 4:14
  SPEAKER_01: I was so high, I thought it'd be a good idea to go up to her family and go, hey, I'm just here to pay my R E S P E C T.
• 4:22
  SPEAKER_01: Yes.
• 4:24
  SPEAKER_01: My my dad, he died in 9-11.
• 4:27
  SPEAKER_01: I was told I had to explain that before I do these jokes because some people don't know.
• 4:31
  SPEAKER_01: To which I retorted uh that uh I don't think I should say that because it will just stop the show and make things awkward.
• 4:39
  SPEAKER_01: I won.
• 4:41
  SPEAKER_01: I was right.
• 4:43
  SPEAKER_01: Uh when your dad dies uh and he works for like the state or the government or whatever, I don't know, he's a fireman, whatever that is.
• 4:49
  SPEAKER_01: Um you uh sometimes your family gets like a little bit of money.
• 4:54
  SPEAKER_01: Not a lot of money, a little bit.
• 4:56
  SPEAKER_01: So we got a little bit of money, and I remember my mom, you know, to make me and my sister feel better, uh, she won she wanted to get us a pool with the money, right?
• 5:07
  SPEAKER_01: Uh she she figured she'd get us a pool, and then you know, like people would want to be our friends and they would come over and swim in it, you know, which is dark.
• 5:18
  SPEAKER_01: Um swim in the death pool.
• 5:21
  SPEAKER_01: Uh yeah.
• 5:23
  SPEAKER_01: Like it's a nice idea, but the sentiment, every cannonball has a weird meaning behind it.
• 5:35
  SPEAKER_01: Just doing laps every day, like, is this even?
• 5:38
  SPEAKER_00: Is this even No.
• 5:39
  SPEAKER_01: Uh No, I remember my mom got us a pool, me and my sister, right?
• 5:44
  SPEAKER_01: And uh kid, I was like seven when my dad died, so like kids don't understand that shit.
• 5:48
  SPEAKER_01: They don't they don't know what's going on, right?
• 5:51
  SPEAKER_01: So I remember I got the pool, and kids at school would be like, yo, you're so lucky, man.
• 5:56
  SPEAKER_01: You're rich.
• 5:56
  SPEAKER_01: You have a pool, you know?
• 5:58
  SPEAKER_01: I'd be like, yeah, luckily I have a pool that I fill up with tears every summer.
• 6:03
  SPEAKER_01: Because that's how you know you're rich when you can swim in your own sadness.
• 6:08
  SPEAKER_01: Thank God Osama bin Laden didn't miss his alarm clock.
• 6:10
  SPEAKER_01: You know why?
• 6:11
  SPEAKER_01: I want to have a fucking pool.
• 6:14
  SPEAKER_01: I'm sorry, please come over later.
• 6:15
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I appreciate it.
• 6:16
  SPEAKER_01: I just uh I just stopped, I had to stop doing hard drugs because you can't be a drug addict in your 30s, you know.
• 6:24
  SPEAKER_01: I'm not I'm not like that guy.
• 6:25
  SPEAKER_01: You know that guy that could just do like one bump of coke and he's like, oh, I'm so bad, you know.
• 6:31
  SPEAKER_01: Or that guy will have like two beers and he'll be like, I might have diarrhea tomorrow.
• 6:34
  SPEAKER_01: You're like, fuck you, dude.
• 6:35
  SPEAKER_01: Fucking doing drugs in your 20s is fine.
• 6:39
  SPEAKER_01: There's an excuse, you know.
• 6:41
  SPEAKER_01: You're like, I'm finding myself, you know?
• 6:42
  SPEAKER_01: It's like it's cute, you know?
• 6:45
  SPEAKER_01: Do a little bump off an iPad with your friends, it's adorable.
• 6:49
  SPEAKER_01: Say cute things like I'm a crispy little dolphin.
• 6:52
  SPEAKER_01: You know?
• 6:54
  SPEAKER_01: All your boys are like, you know.
• 6:57
  SPEAKER_01: And then one of your boys has a kid and you're holding it, and you're like, I think I'm a drug addict.
• 7:03
  SPEAKER_01: I need some help.
• 7:04
  SPEAKER_01: Anyway, so he looks very confused and he's like, sit down, so I do.
• 7:07
  SPEAKER_01: Uh, and he goes, uh, so uh um Louie uh came in and told me that uh you smoke weed.
• 7:19
  SPEAKER_01: Uh and I was like, uh, yes.
• 7:22
  SPEAKER_01: Uh the rumors that you have heard ring true.
• 7:30
  SPEAKER_01: And then I saw with his eyes he kind of looked deflated, like he didn't know what to say, you know?
• 7:34
  SPEAKER_01: Like, because with his eyes, he's like, I'm sorry we're having this conversation, but like Louie told on you and he told me to talk to you, and like, you know, personally, I don't think this is a big deal because people used to do coke here, and I kind of think you're a pussy, actually.
• 7:46
  SPEAKER_01: So I'm really sorry we're having this conversation.
• 7:49
  SPEAKER_01: You know, and I read that with his eyes, and with my eyes, I said, No doubt, homie.
• 7:54
  SPEAKER_01: So, you know, it was just like awkward for another second, and it was quiet, and then he goes, uh, yeah, so I guess uh, you know, what you could do is I guess, you know, because I he said you smoke a lot of weed, so maybe you could just like watch uh the amount of weed that you smoke.
• 8:12
  SPEAKER_01: And I was like, all right, I'll watch.
• 8:16
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, I'll never leave it out of my sight.
• 8:18
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, no problem.
• 8:20
  SPEAKER_01: Man of my word.
• 8:21
  SPEAKER_01: And I was like, uh, he goes, yeah.
• 8:23
  SPEAKER_01: He goes, I'm I'm I'm again, I'm sorry to have this conversation with you, but Louie brought it to my attention and said, you know, you're smoking uh your career away, and you smoked so much weed in the office the other day that it actually made him uncomfortable.
• 8:35
  SPEAKER_01: And I was like, oh shit, like really?
• 8:38
  SPEAKER_01: And he's like, Yeah.
• 8:39
  SPEAKER_01: And I was like, oh, uh, so like, am I fired?
• 8:42
  SPEAKER_01: And he was like, no.
• 8:44
  SPEAKER_01: And I was like, why?
• 8:45
  SPEAKER_01: And he was like, I don't know.
• 8:49
  SPEAKER_01: Which again is a conversation we have yearly on a yearly basis.
• 8:55
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know, not yet.
• 8:55
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know.
• 8:56
  SPEAKER_01: We'll figure it, we'll figure it out.
• 8:58
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know.
• 9:02
  SPEAKER_01: And that fucking killed me, you know, like I had to leave that office like with that, you know, just like Louis C.K.
• 9:08
  SPEAKER_01: doesn't like you, you know.
• 9:09
  SPEAKER_01: One of the best comedians, arguably ever, you know, and especially at the time, like one of the it just killed me, you know, because that if like, why am I even doing stand-up if this guy doesn't like me?
• 9:21
  SPEAKER_01: You know, that's what somebody's approval you want.
• 9:23
  SPEAKER_01: And I was like, this guy fucking doesn't like me because I smoke weed, that's that sucks, you know?
• 9:28
  SPEAKER_01: And I had to like sit with that for like five years, you know.
• 9:32
  SPEAKER_01: And then one glorious morning.
• 9:39
  SPEAKER_01: I woke up and I read Louis C.K.
• 9:44
  SPEAKER_01: jerks off in front of women.
• 9:46
  SPEAKER_01: And I went, yes.
• 9:50
  SPEAKER_01: I'm sorry, I'm you know what I mean.
• 9:52
  SPEAKER_01: Like, I didn't want it to happen, but if it was gonna happen to anybody, I'm glad it was hit.
• 9:56
  SPEAKER_01: You know, does that make sense?
• 9:57
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 9:58
  SPEAKER_01: My mom's like an Irish Catholic Staten Island mom.
• 10:01
  SPEAKER_01: Like, she didn't tell me I was Jewish until I was 25, and that's because I found out.
• 10:07
  SPEAKER_01: I did a 23 of me or Ancestry, or whatever, whatever.
• 10:10
  SPEAKER_01: One of my boys came back, Neanderthal, he did it, he came back Neanderthal, and he was talking all this like weird Neanderthal shit.
• 10:15
  SPEAKER_01: He was like, I'm Neanderthal.
• 10:17
  SPEAKER_01: It's actually like the rarest fucking fucking dun.
• 10:20
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, you're still a dork.
• 10:22
  SPEAKER_01: You're still a fucking stupid dork.
• 10:25
  SPEAKER_01: So he was talking all this shit, and I was like, I gotta get swabbed.
• 10:28
  SPEAKER_01: Maybe I'm Neanderthal or something, I don't know.
• 10:30
  SPEAKER_01: And it came back, I was like 50% Jewish, and I called my mom because I was raised Catholic and you know all that forever.
• 10:38
  SPEAKER_01: You know.
• 10:39
  SPEAKER_01: And I was like, mom, am I Jewish?
• 10:40
  SPEAKER_01: And she was like, Yeah.
• 10:44
  SPEAKER_01: This is the only thing I didn't like that I got out of it, which everybody is a common misconception.
• 10:48
  SPEAKER_01: Uh, I don't like that she talked all the shit on like behalf of my dick.
• 10:52
  SPEAKER_01: I thought that was like super weird.
• 10:54
  SPEAKER_01: She was like, Yeah, it didn't work out, but like, nice dick.
• 10:58
  SPEAKER_01: I thought that was really weird because like everybody was like, oh, that that's what a nice, what a nice uh girl.
• 11:06
  SPEAKER_01: First of all, just take a step back.
• 11:07
  SPEAKER_01: Can you imagine if I said that shit?
• 11:10
  SPEAKER_01: Sorry it didn't work out.
• 11:11
  SPEAKER_01: Nice pussy, no! That shit went!
• 11:15
  SPEAKER_00: Woo!
• 11:16
  SPEAKER_01: Good pussy, but sorry.
• 11:25
  SPEAKER_00: It's ridiculous.
• 11:32
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 11:32
  SPEAKER_01: This is the only thing it just did, I didn't like it because uh it's just simply not true.
• 11:37
  SPEAKER_01: Uh yeah, yeah, it's just not, she has little tiny little hands.
• 11:41
  SPEAKER_01: She has just very little hands.
• 11:43
  SPEAKER_01: Everything's fucking huge to her.
• 11:46
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 11:49
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, you know, huge to you, but small to everyone else.
• 11:51
  SPEAKER_01: This rocks.
• 11:53
  SPEAKER_01: You know.
• 11:56
  SPEAKER_01: So you ask yourself, you're like, why?
• 11:58
  SPEAKER_01: Then why?
• 11:58
  SPEAKER_01: If she knows this information, then why would she tell everybody what a great big penis you have, right?
• 12:04
  SPEAKER_01: Why would she do that?
• 12:05
  SPEAKER_01: You know?
• 12:06
  SPEAKER_01: Because to the outside, you're like, wow, what a nice lady.
• 12:08
  SPEAKER_01: Didn't work out.
• 12:09
  SPEAKER_01: Gave him uh gave him a nice word, you know?
• 12:13
  SPEAKER_01: Told everybody has a nice penis, right?
• 12:15
  SPEAKER_01: That's not why.
• 12:17
  SPEAKER_01: She did that so that she's a genius.
• 12:19
  SPEAKER_01: Remember this.
• 12:20
  SPEAKER_01: She's a very smart person, okay?
• 12:22
  SPEAKER_01: She did that so that every girl that sees my dick for the rest of my life is disappointed.
• 12:32
  SPEAKER_01: It's genius.
• 12:34
  SPEAKER_01: It's a lifetime elf.
• 12:37
  SPEAKER_01: You know, it's weird when you get a stalker because there's two parts of your brain.
• 12:40
  SPEAKER_01: You know, first time you get a stalker, you're like, oh my god, this is so weird and scary.
• 12:44
  SPEAKER_01: But then there's the other part of your brain that's like, I guess I'm doing well.
• 12:49
  SPEAKER_01: And then you get a good look at your stalker and you're like, maybe not so well.
• 12:55
  SPEAKER_01: I'll never forget I met her.
• 12:57
  SPEAKER_01: She was outside my house wearing a shirt with my face on it.
• 13:01
  SPEAKER_01: And it wasn't even a flattering photo.
• 13:04
  SPEAKER_01: It was like blown up and warped.
• 13:06
  SPEAKER_01: My eyes were all over.
• 13:08
  SPEAKER_01: It was like a nightmare.
• 13:10
  SPEAKER_01: It was so I it insulted me.
• 13:11
  SPEAKER_01: I almost wanted to go, it was so bad.
• 13:13
  SPEAKER_01: I wanted to go up to her and be like, hey, if you're ever gonna do this, like, here's five photos of myself that I like, okay.
• 13:22
  SPEAKER_01: So, you know, I pull up, she's out there, you know, and she's a stalker, you know.
• 13:26
  SPEAKER_01: So, you know, not hot, you know.
• 13:30
  SPEAKER_01: That's just what you picture when you picture a stalker, you know, not hot, you know.
• 13:34
  SPEAKER_01: If they were hot, they wouldn't be a stalker.
• 13:36
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, they'd be my girlfriend, you know what I mean?
• 13:38
  SPEAKER_01: So, yeah.
• 13:39
  SPEAKER_01: How much do you love me?
• 13:40
  SPEAKER_01: We'll figure it out.
• 13:41
  SPEAKER_01: Get up there.