Latest / The Well / Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram Daily Podcast - You Can't Give Away What You Don't Possess

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Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram Daily Podcast - You Can't Give Away What You Don't Possess · The Well

0:11
Today on Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram.
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Have you ever tried to fix something, but the
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tool that you needed wasn't in the toolbox? It
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just doesn't work, right? Well, the same thing
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is true when it comes to building great relationships.
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There is a specific key required. And if you
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have it, you're in business. If you don't, it's
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probably not going to work very well. If you
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want to learn what it takes to build great relationships,
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stay with me. I'm Dave Drury, and this is Living
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on the Edge. Today, Chip Ingram continues his
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series, Caring Enough to Connect, Building Bridges
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to Those We Love. With a principle he says completely
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changed his own marriage from the inside out.
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You simply can't give away what you don't already
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have. If you don't know deep down in your own
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heart that you are already loved by God, Chip
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says you'll spend your whole life trying to manufacture
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love and acceptance from everyone around you
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instead. Well, now let's get started with today's
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message titled, You Can't Give Away What You
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Don't Possess. I'm talking about basically life
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lessons in terms of building a great family and
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just great friendships. Principles that have
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to do with marriage, parenting, friendships,
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your boss. And so let me do a quick review. Principle
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number one, the biggest lesson I learned was
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it all begins with God. on how to have great
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ones by his intent. The second principle was
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that everyone is desperately insecure. We looked
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at the very beginning of time and Adam and Eve
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and that once sin entered the world, we're all,
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varying degrees, we're just desperately insecure
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people. And so we said the passage was Genesis
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chapter three and then our practice was take
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off your mask. Authenticity builds genuine relational
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intimacy and hypocrisy destroys it. Principle
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number three is everyone behaves in a way that
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makes sense to them. When people act in immature,
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inappropriate, or even have patterns that appear
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absolutely dysfunctional and damaging, they're
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doing it for reasons that at least inside their
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head and from their experience, it makes sense.
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Principle number four, you cannot impart what
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you do not possess. In other words, if you do
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not like you, You will never love others. And
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I don't mean that like pop psychology. I mean
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like Jesus. You know, we say, what's the great
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commandment? Matthew 22, 38 and 39. You shall
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love the Lord your God with all your heart, with
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all your soul, with all your mind, and love your
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neighbor, how? As yourself. Now, if we're desperately
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insecure and I don't like me, It's really hard
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if I don't feel whole, if I don't feel loved,
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it's really hard to give away something I don't
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have. And so most of us, some point in time,
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figure out how to get affirmation. And then by
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God's grace, many of us come to know Jesus. And
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we know intellectually what's happened. We were
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pulled out of the kingdom of darkness and the
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kingdom of God. All of our sins have been forgiven.
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We have a new father. We have a new family. We
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have a new peace. We have a new future. We have
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a certain. Our significance has been established.
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We're the object of God's love. The prayer of
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the upright is his delight. We're loved like
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we will never ever be loved, totally apart from
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our performance. And we're a brand new creature
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in Christ that we live out in this fallen world.
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But see, 2 Corinthians 5 .17 says, if any man
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or if any woman is in Christ, The old things
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pass away. Tense of the verb, they're gone forever.
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Behold, all things become new. Tense of the verb,
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it's a process. Yes, I was in darkness, now I'm
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in light. I was a child of the darkness, now
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I'm a son of the light. Yes, I'm forgiven, I'm
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significant, I'm loved, I have the Holy Spirit,
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I have gifts, I've been sealed, my future, I'm
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the object of God's affection, but it's a process,
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and so when I begin my marriage, some of these,
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Things that I've learned, they stick, don't they?
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It's called the flesh. And so I thought to myself,
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not consciously, let's see. If I want to have
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a good marriage and I want the most important
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person to love me, accept me, and affirm me in
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ways that really matter to me, I'll figure out
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what she wants. And so, okay, a good husband
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is this, this, and this. I'll do that. Oh, I
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guess it's this too. And then I need to do this.
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And so I performed, performed, and worked, and
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worked, and worked, and worked. But an amazing
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thing happened. I was working in the relationship
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to get my wife to love me in ways that I thought
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were significant to me. And it was all built,
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came out of what? Came out of a hole. Came out
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of my need. It came out of manipulating and trying
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to do the right thing, to push the right buttons,
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to get someone to love me. I wasn't loving her
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unconditionally. I was loving her in a way that
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I hoped I'd get love back. The passage is Ephesians
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5, 1 and 2. It says, therefore, be imitators
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of God as beloved children and walk in love just
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as Christ also loved you and gave himself up
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for us as an offering and a sacrifice to God
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as a fragrant aroma. If you open your Bibles
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to this one, you've got to do a little work,
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okay? There's two commands there. But you've
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got to open your Bibles because the therefore
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means something happened in verse 32 and 31 of
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chapter 4. As you turn there, you'll notice that
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the point is you can't impart what you don't
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possess. In other words, if you are not sensing,
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knowing, accepting the love that you already
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have from God, You can't give away love to others.
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You will be forced into some dysfunctional means
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of trying to manipulate, pretend, image cast
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to get people to affirm and to love you. But
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notice it says, therefore, command one, be an
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imitator of God, a mimic. Well, what are you
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supposed to mimic? Look in your Bibles. What's
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verse 32 say? Go ahead, look in your Bibles.
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therefore be kind to one another, right? Tenderhearted,
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forgiving one another, just as God also in Christ
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has forgiven you. Well, what's verse 31? Skip
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up. Therefore, he says, you're this brand new
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person in relationships, do something. Let all
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malice and wrath and anger and slander and all
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these negative attitudes, what's it say? Put
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them away, but instead be kind to one another,
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tenderhearted, forgiving one another. And then
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the verse that we looked at is, therefore be
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a mimic of God. You're to mimic God. Well, what's
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a mimic? A mimic, if one person does this, they
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do that. They do that, they do this. So what
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are we to mimic? We're to mimic to be kind in
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relationships the way God is kind. We're to be
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tenderhearted with people the way God is tenderhearted.
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We're to forgive or release or let people go
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the way God has let us go and forgiven us based
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on Christ's work. And so you have a command that
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says, mimic God. And did you notice the second
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command? It says, walk in love. And then it describes
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what love looks like. This isn't an ooey -gooey
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feeling. How do you love? Just as Christ loved
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us, well, how did he love us? An ooey -gooey
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feeling in his heart? Well, I hope there was
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some of that. But the Bible says the way he loved
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us, he gave himself up for us, a sacrifice, and
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he made his life a sacrifice he gave. He radically
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gave himself whether we responded or not. Now,
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here's what I want you to do. Between mimicking
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God and walking in love, in parenthesis, and
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you could put a circle around it in your Bible,
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what's the little phrase between those? Mimic
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God, how? As a beloved child. Or literally, as
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a dearly loved child. Do you understand what
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the passage is teaching? He's saying, I want
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you to love in this impossible way. Forgive like
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God forgives. Be kind like God forgives. Be compassionate
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like God. And I want you to live this amazing,
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supernatural, sacrificial life toward others.
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But where's the resource? As a dearly loved child,
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you can't give away what you don't possess. My
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experience is the average Christian may intellectually
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know they're loved. The average Christian doesn't
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feel loved. You are significant. You are valuable.
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You are loved by God today apart from anything
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you could ever do as much as you will ever be
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loved. There's nothing you can do to diminish
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his love. There's nothing you can do to get more
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of his love. He loves you. And the basis of the
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Christian life is not, I'm going to read my Bible,
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I'm going to pray, I'm going to go on a mission
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trip, I'll try and be a good Christian, I'll
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try and have really good morals. Now, God, will
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you accept me? Do you love me? No, no, no, no,
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no. Completely opposite. It's you've already
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been forgiven. I love you. I care for you. The
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object of my affection, you are my child now.
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Walk in a manner worthy of who you already are.
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And you don't read your Bible to get brownie
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points. It's because you like being together.
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I mean, I don't go have coffee with my wife and
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say, okay, excuse me, dear, do we have the little
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box? Talked with wife today. Okay, the next little
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box. Oh, help clean up around the house. Now
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do you love me? I do that. Are you ready for
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this? I like her. I just want to be with her.
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She loves and accepts me. The Christian life
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is knowing, believing and feeling that you are
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so loved and accepted that now you can be a giver
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in relationships. And no relationship works if
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ultimately your desire is to get something from
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it. If you pretend to give affection or give
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it, but the string is, I will be affectionate
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if you do this. If you give gifts so that this
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will happen. If you play little games to manipulate
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one another, what happens is as soon as the other
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person isn't coming through, then what happens?
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You're hurt, you're rejected, you're angry. See,
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God's not asking you to be nice to your mate
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or nice to your kids or nice to your parents
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or be a good old Joe out there in the marketplace.
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He's asking you to mimic God. Treat them the
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way Jesus would treat them if he was walking
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around inside your body. And you do need to remember
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he is, right? He dwells in you. How in the world
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can you do that? You can only do it when you
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so accept, know, and believe that you are dearly,
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dearly loved by God. Otherwise, I jot in my notes,
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until I find my significant security and value
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from my relationship with Jesus, Every relationship
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will be a dysfunctional attempt to get love and
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acceptance from others through my performance,
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manipulation, looks, barter or deceit. You're
11:35
listening to Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram.
11:37
Just a quick reminder before we get back to today's
11:40
message. Did you know you can take Chip's teaching
11:42
with you everywhere you go? The Chip and Grow
11:45
map puts hundreds of messages, reading plans,
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and daily encouragement right in your pocket
11:50
anytime you need it. It's free to download wherever
11:53
you get your apps. And for even more resources,
11:55
visit us online at livingontheedge .org. Now
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back to today's lesson. Can I tell you the greatest
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thing that will ever happen in any of your relationships
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is for you to really believe not just with the
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head, but from the heart, that you are so loved
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by God that you are now secure enough to risk
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loving and caring and giving, even if it doesn't
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come back. And so here's the practice. Loving
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others demand I learn to know, accept, and feel
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God's unconditional love for me. You need to
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know, accept, and feel God's unconditional love
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for me. And if you feel like you're a little
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behind on this, I was probably a Christian at
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least 10 years and a pastor before I realized
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how much of my energy and my service to God was
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really about trying to gain his approval and
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people's approval rather than living out of being
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already loved. Let me give you some specific
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ways to go to work on this. The first one is,
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how do you know? Knowledge is an intellectual
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issue. Jot down, if you would, Romans 5 .8. Romans
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5 .8 says, while you were yet a sinner, Christ
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demonstrated his love for you and that he died
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for you. So, I mean, before you even join the
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family and those people who choose not to join
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the family, those people who God loves them,
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they won't receive the benefits of that love
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because of their pride and their unwillingness
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to surrender to his love. But isn't it good to
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remember to know God loves you apart from your
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performance? Now, it doesn't mean your performance
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isn't important because that's the way I express
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my love to him, but you can't earn it. Well,
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then how do you accept God's love? How do you
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get where, just being the regular old normal
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people that we all are, how do you get where
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you begin to know and accept that you really
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are loved so you don't have to manipulate and
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perform and do all this stuff that, by the way,
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we will all do to some degree until we die, right?
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Well, first of all, I think jot down, if you
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would, in your notes, Psalm 139. Here's what
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God thinks of you. You are fearfully and wonderfully
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made. God doesn't compare you to the person on
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the front of Cosmo or people. God doesn't compare
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you to someone on the front of Fortune 500. You
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are fearfully and wonderfully made. The all -knowing,
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all -powerful, all -wise God of all the universe,
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and we're just this one little tiny part of it,
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created you. And he loves just what he made.
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Like we say, oh, that's a Rembrandt. What a great
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work of art God says. He made you and then he
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steps back and goes, you want to see greatness?
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There it is. Try looking in the mirror this week.
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I'm fearfully and wonderfully made. I look exactly
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how God wanted me to look. God's standard of
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beauty and value and significance is the only
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one that matters. Tell you what, you begin to...
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renew your mind. I started writing these things
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on cards and that verse, Psalm 139, I began to
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pray them back to God. Until you like you, you
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can't love other people. And by like, I don't
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mean that you're content with, you know, behavior
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or issues that you know are ungodly. I mean where
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you say, you know something? I have these strengths
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and I have these weaknesses and this is the package
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that God made. And the strengths are to build
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confidence and a part of God's glory. And the
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weaknesses are so that I'm always dependent on
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other people and realize that I can't make this
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little world by myself. I can never make it without
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others. The second way I think you get a grasp
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of how loved you are is by the price or your
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value to God. I mean, if we lined up, can you
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imagine? What if we lined up everyone on this
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back wall, every single person, and then we brought
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in a multi, multi -billionaire, and we said you
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can only Choose one person and you have to pay
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$1 billion for this one person. And when you
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pay that, you can have them and they're yours.
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And what if he looked and looked and looked and
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did research and did all kind of things and looked
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at everything that everyone in this whole room
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brought and then he said, you, $1 billion for
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you. Or he said, you. Or he said, you. And then
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all of us are here and he writes out a check
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for $1 billion and you step out. Would you not
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feel pretty good about yourself? Huh? Jot down,
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would you, 1 Corinthians 6, 19 and 20. God didn't
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pay a billion dollars for you. Do you not know
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that you are not your own? That you have been
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purchased with a price. Jesus, all knowing, all
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powerful, looking down all the corridors of all
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time and eternity, said, when your name comes
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up on the computer screen, of the eternal Godhead,
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I'll pay the blood of my son for the person sitting
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in your seat. That's how much you matter. See,
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part of us, we just need to begin to grasp how
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valuable we are because of who made us and how
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valuable we are because we've been purchased.
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And then I think we need to practically not just
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know, not just accept. But my journey has been,
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how do you feel? How do you get that from here
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to here? And as I read Scripture, for the last
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30 years, I took this little book on the character
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of God, and there's lots of chapters. It's a
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book on God's character, the knowledge of the
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holy bitoser. But I've read the goodness of God
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probably 10 times more, and on the love of God
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10 times more than any chapter in this book for
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30 years. In some stages for a decade at a time,
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I read at least a chapter a week or more. And
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then I would write on a card a little quote and
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a passage. And the only way I could learn to
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get it from my head to my heart was to take that
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truth and pray it to God and ask him to make
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real in my heart what is true and help me to
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feel it. And then I learned from scripture from
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David that if I would sing that and share that
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with God and rejoice over it, I would begin to
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emotionally experience it. What if you said to
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yourself as your eyes open in the morning, you
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could hear the Lord saying, Zephaniah 3 .17,
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I am the Lord your God. I am with you. I will
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protect you and cover you with my love. I rejoice
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over you with singing. What if God wasn't down
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on you? What if he really likes you? What if
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he has a great plan for you? And what if you
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are so significant and valuable already that
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what other people think matters, but it doesn't
18:52
dictate who you are? You see, you can't impart
18:56
what you don't possess. And as you listen to
19:00
the Apostle Paul building the church, what did
19:02
he pray? Chapter one, I pray that the eyes of
19:05
their heart might be enlightened, that they might
19:07
grasp or understand the strength of your power,
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the power of Christ's resurrection dwelling in
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them. And then chapter three says, I bow my knee
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with all the family of God that you might be
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strengthened in your inner man so you could comprehend
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beyond. Just intellectual aspects. What is the
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height and depth and length and breadth? And
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to know, and the word is by way of experience,
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God's love for you. Having been deeply rooted
19:32
and grounded in faith. See, I'll tell you what.
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Relationships begin with really understanding,
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hey, it's all about God's way of doing it. Accepting
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yourself and one another. We're all a bunch of
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desperately insecure people. That people really
19:48
do behave in ways that make sense to them, but
19:50
not usually to us. And that I just can't give
19:53
away what I don't have. And maybe the greatest
19:55
thing I could do for every relationship is to
19:58
know, accept, and believe. And to feel that I
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am loved for who I am apart from any performance
20:05
today by the eternal God of the universe. And
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then kind of take the pressure off of... trying
20:12
to impress you all as much I try to impress you
20:14
and try and look or do different things that
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get your affirmation and just kind of say, you
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know, Lord, you know, if they like you today,
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they kind of hate you tomorrow. That was the
20:24
way with you, right? You know, they're cheering
20:26
one day, crucifying you three days later. There
20:29
was something to the heart of Christ who said
20:31
he didn't entrust himself to people. We're all
20:34
a bunch of fallen human beings, but you're valuable.
20:38
And he wants you to be a giver. And he, loves
20:42
you just the way you are. You're listening to
20:47
Living on the Edge with a message titled, You
20:50
Can't Give Away What You Don't Possess. If you
20:53
ever miss one of these daily messages, We're
20:59
in a series called Caring Enough to Connect,
21:01
building bridges to those we love. And if you'd
21:04
like to catch anything you missed, including
21:06
Chip's special interview with Aaron Pierce, subscribe
21:09
to the Living on the Edge podcast. Real love
21:13
only flows out of people who already know deep
21:15
down that they're loved by God. And that's just
21:18
as true for the hardest relationship in your
21:21
life as it is for the easiest one. If there's
21:24
someone in your own life who feels far from God
21:26
right now, don't let today be the end of it.
21:29
Aaron Pierce's book, Not Beyond Reach, picks
21:32
up right where his recent interview with Chip
21:34
left off, walking you step by step from friendship
21:37
to real spiritual conversation to the gospel
21:40
itself, so you know exactly what to say and when
21:43
to say it. So get your copy of the book, Not
21:46
Beyond Reach, at a special price today at livingontheedge
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.org slash offers. You know, these powerful,
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honest teachings only reach people because listeners
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like you decide again and again that it's worth
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or call our team at 888 -333 -6003. Or send your
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gift by mail to Living on the Edge, P .O. Box
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3007, Sewanee, Georgia 30024. Well, now here's
22:27
Chip Ingram. As we close today's program, I would
22:30
just bring your mind back to those prayers that
22:34
I quoted by the Apostle Paul. Isn't it interesting?
22:38
These people living in such a difficult time
22:40
and in a difficult place, that what he prays
22:43
for them is that they would be able to grasp,
22:46
that they would understand, not just with their
22:48
mind, but with their heart. In fact, he prays
22:50
that beyond their human comprehension, that we
22:55
would understand and grasp and feel and experience
22:58
the love of God. Could I just ask you to just
23:02
lean back and think of how you would think differently
23:05
and relate differently if you could hear in your
23:09
heart God saying, hey, today, I'm with you no
23:13
matter what. Hey, I'm not down on you. I love
23:17
you. I'm for you. What if you believe just even,
23:21
as you and I are talking right now, that, you
23:23
know, today is a part of an amazing and a great
23:27
plan that God has for my life. And he literally
23:30
loves me and just wants me to kind of have my
23:33
spiritual antenna up and listen to him and take
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the next step that he shows me so he could give
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me the very, very best in life. You see, when
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you begin to internalize how lavishly God loves
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you, only then can you begin to pass it on. I
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can't imitate unconditional kindness and love
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and forgiveness unless I've experienced that.
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And so what we're really talking about here is
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you saying to the Lord, Lord, will you help me
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grasp and understand how much you love me? And
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then, you know, it's not just some ooey -gooey
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feeling. It's getting into the scriptures. It's
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trusting the promise that draw near to God and
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he'll draw near to you. It's arranging your life
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where you actually experience God's love. Because
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there are some relationships that are always
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going to be hard, and you cannot give away what
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you don't possess. Unconditional love and forgiveness
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for some people in your life, I call them hard
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relationships, can only be achieved when you
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receive that same love. That's Chip Ingram and
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the end of today's program. Join us next time
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as we continue our series, Caring Enough to Connect,
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here on Living on the Edge. Today's program is
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produced and sponsored by Living on the Edge.