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Transcript

160. How to Let Go of Mom Guilt for Good | With Esther Buerki · LIVING WITHOUT FEAR

• 0:00
  What if the guilt you've been carrying is only half the story?
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  My name is Esther. I coach people in Switzerland,
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  and I used to call myself a bad mother.
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  Today, I want to show you why that story was only half the
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  truth. Hello, beautiful soul.
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  Welcome back. Today I want to talk about
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  something that lives quietly in so many of us, Something we
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  don't always say out loud. Regret.
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  Not the dramatic kind. Not the life ruining kind.
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  The soft, aching kind. The kind that shows up on a
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  quiet evening when you're looking at old pictures.
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  The kind that whispers I wish I had been there more.
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  And maybe for you, it's your children.
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  Maybe it's a parent, a sibling, a friendship that slowly faded
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  because life got too loud. Whatever it is, I want you to
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  know you are not alone in this. Today I'm going to share
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  something very personal with you, something I haven't always
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  found easy to say. And then I'm going to offer you
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  a way through it. Not around it, through it.
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  Because that's where the healing is.
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  So take a breath, get comfortable, and let's go there
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  together. A few years ago, I started
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  looking back at my son's childhood, MY2 boys, my greatest
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  teachers, and what I saw. It was beautiful in many places,
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  but in some places it was hard to look at.
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  I've remembered moments I wasn't there.
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  Birthdays the Arabelli Klum took.
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  If you're not Swiss, that's this magical Lantern parade the
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  children do in autumn. The kids walk through the
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  streets holding their little carved turnip lanterns, and
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  parents walk alongside them in the dark.
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  It's one of those moments that seems small, but it stays with
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  you forever. I wasn't always there.
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  I chose yoga over the school event one evening because the
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  small talk, the noise, the cows it, it exhausted me and I knew,
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  I knew that yoga would bring me back to myself.
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  I went on the company retreat to Germany instead of celebrating
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  my son's birthday at home. And for a long time I carried
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  this guilt like a stone in my chest.
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  I told myself, what kind of mother does that?
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  I called myself selfish, egotistic.
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  Not enough. But here's what I know now.
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  That woman, the one who went to yoga, the one who boarded that
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  plane to Germany, she wasn't abandoning her children.
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  She was desperately trying to find herself.
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  She was in the middle of a transition that was breaking her
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  open. She had left the identity of the
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  stay at home mother. She was becoming something new.
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  And that process, it wasn't graceful, it was raw.
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  It was painful and sometimes it meant she wasn't at the Lantern
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  parade. That doesn't make her a bad
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  mother. That makes her human.
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  But I also want to tell you this because we so often only see one
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  side of ourselves when we are in shame.
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  I remember the meetings with the teachers and the therapist for
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  my older son. There were difficult times,
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  moments where I had to fight for him, and I showed up.
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  I showed up like a lioness. I set across from all those
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  teachers. I built a bond with a therapist.
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  I fought quietly, fiercely, with love for what my son needed, and
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  I am proud of that woman, too. She was there, she was present,
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  she was brave. The same woman who missed the
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  Lantern parade also fought in that room like her child's
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  future depended on it. Because it did.
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  We are never just one version of ourselves.
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  We are never only the regrets. We are also the moments where we
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  showed up exactly right, even when nobody was watching, even
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  when it cost us something. Do you hear that?
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  You are not just your failures, you are also your fears.
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  Quiet victories. Something shifted in me over the
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  past few years. Gradually, gently, the way real
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  change always happens, I started showing up differently.
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  My younger son did his military service mandatory in
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  Switzerland, and every time he needed a lift to come home to
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  get back to the base, I was there every single time.
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  And here's the thing, I didn't do it out of guilt.
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  I didn't do it to make up for lost time.
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  I did it because I wanted to. Because those 30 minutes in the
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  car, just the two of us driving through the dark or the morning
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  light, they were gold. I got to hear what he was going
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  through, what he was feeling, what military life was teaching
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  him about himself. 30 minutes, just all it took.
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  That was my younger son. And then one day I came home and
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  there were lilies on the kitchen table.
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  Just lilies left quietly, no notes needed.
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  The first time my elder son had ever done something like that, I
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  stood there in my kitchen and I cried because those flowers,
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  branches, flowers, they were a message.
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  I feel you, I see you. You are here with me now, and
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  that moment, that small, soft, extraordinary moment, it told me
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  that something had healed. In my elder son, in me, in US.
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  You can never go back, but you can always start now.
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  So what do you do when the regret comes first?
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  Let yourself feel it, don't push it away, don't justify it
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  immediately, just sit with it for a moment because regret,
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  when you really listen to it, it's not your enemy, it's a
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  signal. It is your heart Saying this
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  mattered to me and that is beautiful.
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  Not painful, beautiful. It means you laugh deeply.
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  Second, ask yourself this question, not why did I do that?
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  Because that leads you straight back into shame.
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  Ask instead, what was I carrying then?
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  What was happening inside you during those years?
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  What were you struggling with? What were you trying to become
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  or survive or understand about yourself?
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  Have compassion for that version of you.
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  She was doing her best with what she had.
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  You cannot pour from an empty cup.
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  And if you were depleted, if you were in the middle of rebuilding
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  your identity, fighting for your mental health, trying to stay
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  afloat, then choosing yoga over the Lantern parade wasn't
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  selfish. It was survival.
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  And survival is not something to be ashamed of.
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  Third, act now. Not from guilt.
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  From love. The difference matters.
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  When you act from guilt, you give something hollow.
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  When you act from love, even a small gesture carries
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  everything. A car ride, a phone call,
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  staying up late because someone needs you, Sitting in silence
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  beside a parent who is becoming more fragile, bringing flowers,
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  sending a voice message that says nothing important and
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  everything real. These small things, they are not
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  small. They are everything.
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  And 4th, remember this. The people who love you are not
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  keeping score. They don't have a spreadsheet of
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  your absences. What they remember is how you
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  made them feel over the whole course of a life.
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  Not one missed birthday, not one Lantern parade.
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  The whole of you, the whole of your love.
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  I want to say something directly to you.
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  If you have been carrying guilt about time you didn't spend with
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  someone you love, put it down. Not because it doesn't matter,
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  but because keeping it doesn't help them.
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  It only keeps you frozen in the past, and the people who love
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  you need you in the present, alive, present, real.
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  The most loving thing you can do with your regret is to let it
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  transform you, not define you. Let it make you softer, Let it
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  make you more present. Let it crack you open just
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  enough for more love to come through.
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  You're not your worst moments. You are the sum of all your
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  love, every drop of it. Even the awkward, imperfect,
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  beautifully human love that missed some birthday parties.
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  I hope today's episode reached you somewhere real.
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  I hope it gave you permission to be human, to have been
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  imperfect, and to begin again today, tonight, in the next
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  conversation you have with someone who matters to you.
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  You don't need a grand gesture. You just need to show up with
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  honesty, with presence, with love.
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  That is more than enough. That is everything.
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  We don't get to rewrite the past, but every single day we
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  get to write the next line of the story.
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  And that line, that one can be the most beautiful one.
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  And if today's episode steered something in you that you'd like
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  to explore more deeply, if there's a relationship, a
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  regret, a conversation you've been avoiding, or a chapter of
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  your life you haven't known how to close or begin, I want you to
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  know that I'm here. Ioffer a free, no obligation
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  coaching session. Just you and me.
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  One hour, honest, warm, judgement free.
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  We'll look at what's been waiting on you and we'll find a
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  way forward together. Because you deserve that.
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  You deserve to stop carrying what's no longer serves you.
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  You can reach me through the link in the show notes or just
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  send me a message. Tell me you heard this episode
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  and we'll take it from there. Thank you for being here, for
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  trusting me with your time, for choosing to grow.
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  I love what we're building together.
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  Until next time, be brave, be real, be you with all my heart
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  from Switzerland.